How can I get past the tremendous sadness that my spouse’s extramarital affair has caused me?
“Impact! Dead on impact. Maybe I have confused separateness with the feeling of being dead. The tears fall like rain drops.”
“The pain is physically exhausting but I am still here.”
“Lord I give up. I am not even going to pretend to be brave because I am actually totally broken. I give up. Please, I don’t want this anymore. I can’t take this anymore. Really… I can’t Lord; I can’t. My heart is completely shattered.”
Will I Ever Be Happy Again? I Feel So Much Sadness!
These are the feelings of sadness expressed by those who have been betrayed. It is the feeling of death, except one is still alive and must continue to live. But how? When will it ever go away? Will I ever feel happy again? It seems impossible. And my family tells me to just ‘get over it!’ That hurts me even more. My friends don’t understand.
When I discovered my husband’s affair, I felt as if I had gained a new companion, a companion whom I didn’t want, who wasn’t welcome, who had not been invited and who would not go away.
That companion was pain. For me it was 2 ½ years until I felt happiness again, and I distinctly remember feeling it again, and I remember why.
Feeling Unloved
The feeling of sadness for me was caused by thinking that I was unloved, perhaps even unlovable. Surely if I was a lovable person, the one I loved the most would not have hurt me so deeply with betrayal, abandonment, deceit and lies. The problem was that what I believed about myself, about my life and about the people around me was untrue. The truth is that I am lovable and therefore I will always have lots of love in my life.
I wanted a guarantee. I wanted to be guaranteed that I would never be betrayed by my husband again. He gave me his guarantee, yet I still didn’t feel guaranteed. After all, had I not been given a guarantee the day we exchanged our wedding vows? I thought what I needed was to throw away the old and start over with the new.
Start Anew?
“Yes, that’s what I needed,” I thought to myself, “a new relationship with my very own husband of 18 years.” Yes, we should redo our wedding vows. Yet others have redone their wedding vows and been betrayed again! Wedding vows are no guarantee.
Then I realized that I can never be guaranteed what all of the future choices of another individual will be. Neither can anyone else on the planet be guaranteed that their spouse will never have an affair. There are no such guarantees in life. I wish it were different, but that is reality. One thing no person can take away from another is their own right to choose. And really…would we want to?
But How Can I Get Past the Tremendous Sadness?
How loved would I feel if another was forced to love me?
Prior to our meeting this week, I put out an email to the Beyond Affairs Network asking other coordinators, how they got past the sadness. Here are their responses which I shared at our meeting:
“It was the hardest of emotions for me to overcome, but I finally accepted the fact that it happened and that I had no control over the actions of my spouse. I continually reminded myself that unless I controlled my own actions, I would be bound by my own stubbornness to remain in the anger and resentment stage. The constant dwelling on what happened is what keeps people stuck there. Again I had to control my own thoughts and move ahead. It’s not an easy thing to do, but it can be done especially if you choose to stay focused.”
Another wrote:
“I think, hard as it is to accept, that ‘tincture of time’ is the best way to get past both the hurt and the anger. I also know that it is possible to get stuck in either place. So what I did, instead of trying to rush the process, was to really LET myself be sad and then to LET myself be angry for a while. I had spent so much time and energy trying to move on, that I found I was denying myself the right to feel what I NEEDED to feel in order to heal.
Once I acknowledged my feelings and that I wasn’t crazy for feeling them, it was much easier to let them go. Now when negative feelings come, I can acknowledge them and put them away much faster. But it doesn’t happen overnight. It has been nearly 3 years for me and I’m finally getting there.”
Another affair survivor wrote:
“For me, the greatest skill for dealing with sadness is gratitude. Define it. Practice it. It seems trite to say count your blessings when you’re in the midst of such pain, but there is no denying the practical benefits of just doing. It’s scriptural and I think it’s psychologically sound. This is NOT denial. It’s perspective and coping until time has had the chance to work its magic.”
Then I read Peggy Vaughan’s article “Moving from Pain to Recovery”, where she talks about the importance of controlling your thoughts. What we feed grows. If we allow ourselves to replay the pain over and over again in our minds, we don’t move forward, in fact, it can get worse with time, if time is spent nursing and rehearsing the wound over and over again. This is where it becomes so important in the healing process to educate ourselves and to share with others who understand, which is the purpose of Beyondaffairs.com, constructive ideas and efforts to get beyond the painful emotions.
NOTE: Anne writes further about this particular marriage in an article (that we encourage you to read):
• KEY #1 TO GETTING UNSTUCK: Whatever You Focus on Expands
Managing Pain and Sadness
One woman shared how taking anti depressants (only for 6 months) had helped her to cope with life at somewhat of a normal level during the initial discovery period. Others managed their pain, and often depression that accompanies discovering marital infidelity, through cognitive therapy (which is learning to understand, recognize and control your thoughts).
During our meeting, one individual brought to our attention the value of a good comedy!!! What a great, but often overlooked point! Sometimes you’ve just been dealing with the darn stuff too long.
Need to Laugh
You need to go out and have a good laugh. Give all those serious, deep thinking, tragedy moments a rest. Search for things that make you laugh. A good laugh is medicine for the soul.
Getting past the sadness, it’s a choice. We choose whether we will read books, educate ourselves, increase our understanding, learn from others and most of all whether or not WE will control our thoughts. Can you get past the sadness? Absolutely! But it takes time and it is YOUR choice.
This article was written by Anne Bercht and is featured on the web site for PassionateLife Seminars, which is a dedicated to helping others survive marriage affairs, infidelity, adultery and betrayal. Anne’s book, My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me
This particular article is one of many they have posted on the subject of surviving infidelity and healthy recovery from extra marital affairs. You may want to visit their web site to see what else they offer which might further help you in some way with this issue. You can visit their web site by going to Beyondaffairs.com.
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
(UNITED STATES) I cannot get past all the pain. My husband was very abusive, controlling, and manipulative. He told me if I ever left him that he would turn my own children against me and leave me penniless. Well, I did leave him. It has been 2 years and it has been a living hell. He has turned 2 of 3 children against me. They had to pick sides or he would not have anything to do with them. Most of his relatives have turned against me. Financially it has been unbelievable. The divorce proceedings continue on and on with his delay tactics. I was so close to my daughter and he took her away. I would have never in my wildest dreams believed that he would have been able to do this. There is no answer to this much pain.
(USA) I never would have imagined the pain that I am feeling inside. My wife of 12 years is having a affair with a man, and we are still married. While she is doing this I am praying everyday that the Heavenly Father intervene and bring her back home to me. And I wouldn’t even care what she is doing or has done. I would again take her with open arms and an open heart letting her know that I love her still, no matter what. But she won’t talk to me, and she has distanced herself from our children, causing them hurtful pain.
I don’t think I can hang in there much more, my heart is hurting so much that I just want to scream. And this is the quencher, I am holding a pillow tight every night living with my brother and his wife. They are newlyweds working on their marriage. I sit and watch this, happy for them, but screaming for help inside. Sounds like a soap opera. More sounds like a real big fool. I am confused to the max, my mind tells me let her go, and move on, but my heart says stay, and fight, and she will come back home. YEA RIGHT!!
God is not listening to me for some reason. I am not the one cheating. I am not being, or doing foolish things. And to top it off, I am a sober alchoholic, been sober for 19 years and can’t even take a drink, and I am around people that drinks everyday. Now Aint That Something? I always say that God has a big sense of humor but it really isn’t funny anymore. I thought that I could be a man and handle it. No way no how. So what must I do? Be the fool, or leave and be cool? Now that is the question.
(UK) Brother I have walked this path you’ve been. And I know how the emotional turmoil rips one’s soul and view of God.
Your wife has made a choice and it is not a sin on your part to walk away from her. Adultery is a scriptural reason to divorce, which is what your wife is habitually doing. Given that you have adjured your wife to return (showing you are still even willing to take her back) and if she will still not listen she has rejected not only you but has rejected God Almighty as He has clearly toldus how he not only abhors adulterers but hates adulterers. Taking this into account you need not subject yourself to this heart wrenching turmoil if she is not willing to return to you.
Please kindly visit this site that answers a lot of questions asked by many who have and are going through what you are going through. http://lavistachurchofchrist.org/answersTopicA.htm#Adultery http://lavistachurchofchrist.org/answersTopicD.htm#Divorce
Well, your story is so real to me. I have been with my wife for 12 years. In January 29 2013 she left abruptly saying she hated me. It totally crushed me. We have a 10 year old daughter together and we both love my wife very much. The man she left me for was my neighbor and friend. His wife grew up with my wife and she is crushed also.
What makes matters even worse is this guy got my wife back into drugs and they are both totally out of control. They were able to munipulate the courts to ubtain a restraining order against me. They took over my house and stole and sold everything I owned and left me broke and homeless. I pray everyday sometimes 30 times a day. Things have gotten better. I have custody of my daughter and we now have a solid place of our own. My dilemma is I still love my wife with all my heart and I pray we can save our marriage. Its been difficult due to the fact she has rarely contacted me and I have only seen her once in six months. I have total faith in God but I am so heartbroken I do not know what to do…please pray for my family… God bless.
I am in a similar circumstance. It’s like watching a soap opera. I actually wake up and for a few minutes think I had a horrible dream. I keep praying for my husband because as awful as he has been I can’t think of that person as the man I was married to -he’s like a stranger to me. I have incredible friends and am very blessed by them. GOD please hold my son and I as we journey through this pain. I pray this for all people who are suffering.
I pray for you and others. I’m pregnant and my husband is cheating on me. I’m so depressed. I want to divorce him but I’m scared. I pray God will heal all of us.
(UNITED STATES) I can relate to what you are going through. I have a husband treating me the same way .The only thing I have held onto has been my faith in God.
(US) I have been going through a very bad divorce. My husband cheated on me with his brother’s girlfriend. I’m still going through my divorce. I have held onto my trust and faith in God. That has been the only way I have been able to deal with everythomg that my husband has done. He was always in control of everything. I now know why. He lived another life. He would never tell me anything about our finances or our buisness we owned. He kept everything a secret. I’m still trying to figure everything out by myself. He does have money. I never was the type to be about money. He always was.
I was always happy with the little amd simple things in life. I was the type of mother and wife who just felt blessed to have my children and a husband and a home and thanked God everyday for my blessings. I raised five children. I was dedicated wife and mother. I kept a clean home, dinner on table every nite; I was the type to make my children and husband happy. My life revolved around them. I kept my family first before anything or myself. I have many times stood beside my husband, never doubting him always, believing him. I gave him my love for what I thought was to be for life.
He had other women behind my back for longer than I expected. I really could not get over it being his brother’s girlfriend. How gross! I felt very hurt, lost, angry, and I grieved so badly …it hurt my heart bad. I found out my husband had went and took out a second mortgage on our home without me knowing. I also found out he opened a post office box and I knew nothing about it. All of the bills on my house were going into his post office box. I had no clue who my mortgage company was; I had been left in the dark for yrs. I lived with abuse from this guy and never told anybody about it. He was a control freak. I lived in my own house with him for years. He kept everything locked up with him only having the keys to our office, and our garage. I wasn’t even allowed to open my own doors to certain rooms on my home.
I found out why one day. He forgot to lock the office door. I saw hidden bank accounts, hidden receipts, and a room ful of lies. He hid thousands and thousands of dollars on top of changing his company name. He lived a double life. It’s not normal the things he has done. He is getting by with it. I keep saying God knows the truth. I know, and I am sure God has seen it all. I have been the nice person in this divorce. I don’t know why but I have been taken and drug through heck and back by this man. I just keep praying God will keep me strong and guide me through this everyday.
My heart truly pours out to you. I was in a marriage with a controlling, manipulative and verbally/mentally abusive husband. It’s been 9 years since the divorce proceeding started and it was a living hell. My husband prepared for this divorce for over a year. He was well organized. The day I was served with the divorce papers, I was shocked. He then proceeded to turn off my cell phone, cancelled the car insurance and moved all the funds from our account. He locked me out of our $3 million house, kept our 5-year old daughter and I was truly devastated and penniless! I had a car, but that was it. I was devastated.
Being devastated, not being able to see my very precious 5 year-old daughter and going through a divorce is very painful, depressing and even more devastating. It was hard to prepare for court! I didn’t have any resources and everything I needed was in our marital home. I had nothing to work with. He painted a very bad picture of me and I eventually lost joint custody of our child. He would only let me see our daughter for 1 1/2 hrs per week and I made the very best of it!
He previously went through an ugly divorce, so he knew all the steps to take to “win” in the divorce proceedings. He “won” full custody of his daughter in his 1st marriage. When his 1st daughter was 10 yrs old, he told the court that she did not want to see her mother anymore, so mom didn’t see her for months and I was afraid of the same thing happening. Eight months ago, he claimed that our daughter didn’t want to see me anymore. I was heartbroken! Our very, very beautiful, sweet daughter is 15 years old now and I haven’t seen her or talked to her for 8 very long, grueling months. I’m so very sad and heartbroken. I searched Facebook, Instagram and twitter just to see if I could find her. Finally, 7 months later, I found a pic she posted. She looks good and is so very beautiful! I feel like that is her way of letting me know she is okay. I believe that she knows I am devastated and ache to see her all the time. I’m tearing while writing this reply…
Imagine… imagine how your child must feel not being able to see you. That is very traumatic. It’s hard to believe that they turned against you. I believe it’s all about what dad did. He forced them to choose his side. Parental alienation. That’s what it is. I beg you to please take care of yourself. Please anticipate that one day you will see your child or children, so you need to look good and be healthy enough to enjoy them. You don’t want them to worry about you when that day comes. That’s one of the best gifts you can give or do for your children… to be healthy and happy…for them! Have a strong mind, love yourself and be healthy! I wish you Peace… the type of Peace that penetrates your heart deeply!
(MANILA PHILIPPINES) I become a solo parent and now I realize that during the 27 years of my marriage I cried in silence. I always hold to what my daughter said “that GOD doesn’t want us to be miserable with him.” And it’s true for now the Prodigal Dad is alone with no money… no job at 53 yrs. …no family (10 kids in 4 woman). I really pity him. After I forgave and I saw him as a friend I asked many questions WHY… but he just kept silent and in tears. I wish God would change him and that he would have another family for good.
I cannot be with him. I stayed clean for the past 27 yrs. up to the present. I have to take good care of myself. In the past 7 months I just see in his face that this not the man I was so proud of during the 4 yrs he was with us and then totally abandoned us to show up with nothing to offer… no money. I brought him food and bought him clothes and shoes hoping he would go back to America and work to see his other children… I don’t know how. He can’t even call his children in Cebu nor our children to ask forgiveness.
But my children have forgiven him by text and told him not to be with us anymore. I’m worried about his present situation. But my daughter who is now a doctor and my son in IT, said we are used to this situation. Now we plan to migrate to Australia and have a beautiful life with God’s blessing. God will totally heal all of us.
(AFRICA) I need more resources on the offending spouse as she/he hurts as well. In this case I am the offending one who tried to hit back at my hubby by having an affair of my own.
I am hurting too and he can’t seem to understand why I had to do that. I regret my actions of avenging and need my marriage back. My hubby can’t seem to forgive me and he hates me so much. How do I get past the pain of knowing I am already not in the home with him and I can’t reach him. How do I get through to him?
You should have thought about it before you decided to do it. The pain and suffering you caused, it does not go away.
(ZAMBIA) I have been crying day and night. I sued my hubby for reconciliation. I don’t know how it will turn out. What if he decides not to forgive me and agrees to the divorce? I am so confused and weak. I try to pray but I don’t know what to say anymore. Please, I need prayers so that instead of divorce there would be reconciliation between us. The last 3 months have not been easy.
(ZAMBIA) The date of the court hearing has been changed to the 29th of March. I hope God is saying something so that it is delayed until my hubby and I settle issues between us. Pray for my hubby and I for the restoration of our marriage.
(UK) I am going through the same thing. My partner of 18 years had been having an affair for 4 years, living double life. He claimed that the affair was over and ended. But this year 2012, it had became clear to me that she was still there. I know this through seeing texts and me answering the phone to her telling her to leave him alone because she is breaking up a family. She didn’t care. I felt like they were playing game with my brain as he would tell me she’s silly. Then I would see a text after from him to her saying “hi babes, I’m just sorting out the kids… call you when I get out the house.”
Now this has broken me down so much because I wanted to believe him so much that it was her and not him. We were due to get married next year with the venue booked and everything. So he started sleeping out. One day he came out the shower with love bite on his chest. Once accused he decided to beat me up. Now this hurt me even more. It made me feel like I was nothing. How could I be getting hit for something he did wrong again?
It’s now finished between us. But I still feel so lost with no answers. What could cause a person to be so evil? Everyday I pray to God for help to understand. How does one get over such pain? We’ve also just had our third child so I feel so stuck and can’t even begin to move. Also he’s still seeing her. Imagine that!!!
Please pray for me. I need the prayer to strengthen me more and more each day as the court date for him hitting over this situation is vastly approaching. I don’t want anything to happen to him. I pray god will take full control of this situation. It’s all out of my hands. Pray for me. Please I’m just not strong enough.
(USA) Pain is a funny thing in that you have no control over it, at times it reduces to you to nothing or lets you know that you are still alive. I was married for 17 years. He was my best friend, the love of my life, in fact my only love, my first love. I found out that he was cheating with woman that I knew that also pretended to be my friend. It was like my world caved in life as I knew it was over. The part that I wish that I could redo is my reaction to the betrayal, as I slept with a stranger that I did not know.
I truly thought that it would hurt him as much as he hurt me, but I was wrong! I in turn just felt dirty, cheap and thus was more unhappy for what he pushed me into doing. He was the only man that I had ever slept with and it truly meant something to me. It was about honor and respect for him as well as myself. I always kept myself up, never was out of shape nor unattractive. I always did special things for him to show him how much I loved him.
At first I hated the other women and yes, I did say other women, as there were many. He slept with drug addicts, manipulators and a preacher’s wife, in other wards women that had no respect for themselves so why would I expect them to respect my family? Some of these women did vile acts towards me. I would tell him about it and he would just look the other way as if he didn’t care. I wanted life over, I was done. What kept me going was that I had two kids one of which was hit by a car on his watch and his girlfriend at the time. These women stole my jewelry, my clothes as if they could fit into them.
I have to say that all the hurt, deception, disrespect, lies, emotional damage caused me to not trust anyone leaving me with a hate towards the garbage that destroyed my family. It has been 15 years since the divorce and I have not remarried nor will I ever. In my heart I feel still married to the man that I said my vows to. I now talk to him and you might say that we have become friends again. The women in the beginning are now gone. He married one of them which lasted for four months as he found out about her deceitfulness.
One might say how do you get through each day? My answer would be PRAYER! When life has brought so much sadness only he can bring joy. I pray that if it is God’s will for us to be together that he will soften my heart as well as change my x-husbands heart. I still love him though I hate the things that he has done. Only God can heal my hurt because heaven knows I have tried everything that I can on my own with no success. I do not understand why we go through times of sadness, betrayal, hurt, loss and anger but I know that I am stronger now then I have ever been in the past.
A person once asked me, “what grows on top of a mountain? Nothing. What grows in the valley? Everything.” God has had me in the valley to mold me for his purpose and his plan for my life. This world is a sad place right now there is so much uncertainty as concerns to the Obama administration and his leadership or lack of. I challenge you to read your Bible get back to the Lord or get to know him for the first time. If you try to do it on your own just like I did, failure is a certainty. I thought well God was never married nor was cheated on so he doesn’t really know how I feel. But he does know my heart.
Divorce is never a good thing as there will always be hurt involved. But there is truly an after life when time has healed and the pain begins to fade. The best example that I can give is like childbirth as you remember the birth and the pain that went with it but you don’t actually feel the pain again. There is hope. Do not stop living as you will begin to die inside. I started a construction company so that I could take care of my family. Put yourself around good people, positive people, and do not dwell in the past as it will tear you up inside. That is one of the mistakes that I did in the beginning. If God cares about the little sparrow that falls just think how much he cares about you!
(INDIA) Lady your sorrow touched my heart. You had a cheater husband, I had a cheater wife. I did everything for her. I never spoke to any girl like I did her in my life. I thought I would love 1 person and that too after my wedding. But she took my advantage of me. We were together for 15 months and she never respected me, never loved me like I needed.
I never touched a beer bottle in my life. She made me take an alcohol at a disco where we celebrated our anniversary. I did things for her beyond my parents liking. I fought for her, but she had 2 affairs, one with her professor and one with some jewelry store guy. She took my money for her school fees, and filed for divorce in May of last year.
For the past 17 months I have been living with this burden and sadness. I know I had to resort to the ALMIGHTY to give me peace and salvation, but I am paying for being nice and honest, and for sins I did not commit. This world is not a place for nice people, only for wicked people to make merry here.
(USA) I have just recently found out my husband cheated on me 2 times with two different women while he was traveling on business. Its been 7 months since I found out. This man was also my first love and only love. I have been crushed, bewildered, dismayed. angry, resentful, and I can go on. I have a 5 year old and a 10 month old with him and when I found out I chose to give him an option. Stay and change or leave. He chose to stay and work on changing.
I made him get tested for disease and go to counseling which was part of the deal. We made a point to seek Christian faith based counseling and I can only tell you that through lots of pain and at times wanting to give up, we placed God first and prayed and we are making it. We have both had many issues in our last 10 years of marriage but I can only say that with God’s love and grace we have been working things out.
God has comforted me in the midst of this tremendous pain I have felt and still feel at times. I can honestly say the pain is slowly leaving and I am standing on God’s word to heal our marriage. I can’t trust him at this point, but I can trust God that he is restoring my husband, myself, and giving us hope for the future. If I can encouarge anyone… take things day by day and focus on the promises of God.
(AFRICA) Hi T, Can I ask if your husband’s affairs carried on for a while or not? Its been 8 mths since I found out about my husband’s 1 time fling with an ex of his (this happened b4 our 1 year anniversary -so our marriage is still so new). From the sound of things they started talking & arguing about past issues they had and they ended up sleeping together (once) after talking about these past issues (this all happened away from home, in his hometown, when I wasn’t with him).
He keeps saying that it had nothing to do with our marriage and that he was not unhappy, that he loves ME, and that it was a big mistake and still he himself cannot believe that he did what he did. I still find it difficult to believe that you do something like this to the person you say you love so much! Although, from what I’ve read so far, its quite common to hurt the one you love in this way.
I’m still stuggling to get to terms with fact that it happened but am working on it especially since I cannot change what happened, no matter how much I wish I could. I’m trying to come to terms with fact that there are a couple of reasons why it happened. I understand this now but still struggle to come to terms that it actually happened! We have God in our lives & pray for our marriage everyday.
How long did it take you to come to terms with what has happened? Our marriage was still so new & that’s what makes me so sad about all this! He is also my first & only love. I feel like I’m doing quite well at times but then other times, it hits me like a brick between the eyes again…
(USA) Ooh, that is jut spooky. My husband did the same. He found his ex-fiance on facebook and contacted her to recover the engagement ring that he had given her some 23 years ago. Unknown to me was that once they started reminiscing about the past, they fell for each other again; needless to say it ended in a physical affair, and even though I knew what had happened it took 9 long months before I finally got confirmation. We are still together, I have not nor will I ever forgive him, but I do trust him again and believe that a lesson was learned by both of us. If you really do love him, take the chance. I told my husband that I would have “good” days and “bad” days, and that he was going to have to figure out how to deal with them as his actions were the cause, he accepted this and we are doing just fine. Good Luck to you.
(USA) I am just so torn. I found my husband’s affair with a coworker in Oct. ’09 but did not confront him with it until January ’10. When I first found out about his affair (through his email acct. he left opened) I did some soul searching. I realized I had not been the wife that I should have been for him. So starting the moment I found it I tried hard to be that wife (i.e. kiss him and ask him about his day, got the kids out of our bed, really take an interest in his life). Two kids and busy lives (me going back to school, etc) you start to take each other for granted. We seemed to be happier, he seemed to be happier.
I finally confronted him in January after finding a text msg. about them meeting and then everything was out on the table. He said he wanted his family and he would break it off with her. Their affair had been going on for the past 4 years. I believed him until I found more text msgs. about 3 weeks later. We decided that we would go to a Christian marriage counselor. We did for about 5-6 weeks and everything seemed to be going good until I found he and her chatting on gmail. Right there in front of me, he was telling her he loved her and that he wanted to be with her but he wasn’t leaving his children. I had made my mind up that I was leaving. At the last minute I changed my mind. It would be so inconvenient for the kids at this point in their lifes and they would be devastated. So in front of our counselor we worked things out yet again. Since April I have found that he has opened two email accounts (one I just found last week). The latest one I found he was still talking to her.
I am just beside myself. I know I should just pack the kids and myself up and leave, but why won’t I? Is it because of the comfortable factor? I have not been with another man, let alone kissed anyone other than my husband, in over 20 years. So it could be the fear of being alone. I will be 46 on the 22nd and have had 2 beautiful children (so I don’t have a great body). At first I was saying that if we divorced I would never remarry or would even want a boyfriend, but now I am thinking that is just not right. I deserve to be loved and to have someone deserving of my love. It is just so hard to walk out that door.
(USA) Take the walk. You have done all that you can do. If he cannot respect himself enough to remain faithful, then neither should you. You and your children will be fine. You will no longer have to look at yourself in the mirror and ask why, been there done that. You deserve to be happy, even if that means being alone. Maybe he “cannot” help himself, and that is his burden to bare. Let him be, you alone cannot change him, and obviously he doesn’t want to either.
Hi, I pray everything gets better. I’m pregnant and am being cheated on. We’ve been together 10 yrs, married going on 2 yrs. I want to divorce him but I’m scared too. I don’t want to be alone or cheated on again. If your husband doesn’t change I pray you find a faithful Christian husband. Pray for me, please.
(USA) This article seems like it was written by me. It helps me to know that what I am doing and feeling is completely natural. I recently discovered that my husband of 20 years was having a cross country internet (facebook) affair with an old, close family friend.
I have forgiven him. I’m really not even mad anymore. My emotions are sadness and hurt. My heart physically aches and hurts almost everyday. My family, like that in the article, thinks since I elected to try and work on it that I need to get over it. But, I can’t. I dream of them together or I question everything. I have become a jealous person. These are things that have developed as a result of his cheating, although it didn’t get physical, and God stepped in right before it did. They spoke intimately and sexually so to me, it feels like it was physical. Anyway, at least I know I am normal and I thank you for new tools that I can use to “get over it.”
(US) Dear Going Crazy, After reading your story I had to reply right away. Your pain is somewhat similar to mine. I found out my husband had an emotional affair with an old friend from high school as well. I found out about this more than a year ago on October 2009. After finding out about this affair, I opened up my eyes and did some detective work. I found out that for almost a decade he had been doing things it would have been unacceptable for me to do. For example, he joined social network sites, passing himself off as a single guy, befriending his co-workers to the level of best friends and hiding it from me.
One co-worker became his confidant. He could talk to her about anything including our sex lives and marriage problems. Like you, I did not find any evidence of sexual activity. However, I did get my hands on over 30 email exchanges between him and three from the woman, one of them the friend from high school. Those conversations were indeed of a flirtatious nature and he talks to her about every bad thought he had towards me. He even tells her that he lied to me when he had to tell me he loved me because he was no longer in love with me. Like I said, this was over a year ago and tonight I find myself on this page because my husband and I got into an yet anther argument.
I don’t trust him or believe anything he says. I have tried so hard to deal with my pain, hoping that time will help me heal. Now his attitude towards me is that I am bullying him because I should move and stop bringing it up. Since we decided to move on he has been working from home in an effort to keep me calm. But to me, it doesn’t make any differece because I feel like he is going to do whatever he wants whenever he wants. He has not tried hard enough to convince me that he won’t do it again.
(USA) I recently discovered the pain that all the posts are talking about. My spouse of 15 years had an affair with a woman. I can’t believe all the gammut of emotions that I have encountered. I sometimes feel like I am losing my mind. I am extremely worried about the mental state of my spouse as well. He says his mind is mixed up and does not want to be pushed.
I feel dead after all this. The one person who I loved and trusted betrayed me. I have lost my best friend to someone I don’t even know. He asked me not to blame her; it was all his fault, but it takes two to do this. My gosh, will the pain ever end? I have to pray constantly to overcome the sanity.
I also look at it for the biblical prospective that Satan walks around the world like a lion seeking whom he may devour. I don’t know if this post will help anyone else but I pray that it does. The pain seems fresh and finally finding out that he did sleep with her, that hurts worse.
(USA) You are wrong, it does not take two. It takes one to lie. She may have been totally led to believe whatever he was telling her, I’m not saying that she was right or that you don’t deserve to have harsh feelings toward her, but the fault is with your husband. It was his choice, they are his lies. Probably to you, her and himself. He needs to do some real sole searching, he needs to admit that he did wrong by choice, and then he needs to understand the pain he has caused you. Only then can you consider working toward making a future. Good Luck
(USA) I see I am not alone and this world is truly evil. Here is my story. I turned my life upside down for my husband by honoring his consistent request for a child. I had no intentions on ever having another child after so many years since I had given birth to my son 26 years ago. I thought in my heart I had made the right decision. My husband was very charming and passionate and seemed to only have eyes for me. We had a fabulous wedding and I was so very happy.
My doctor told me to hurry up and get pregnant because of my age. Two months after marriage I was pregnant and several months into my pregnancy my husband was no longer the passionate charming husband I grew to love. I thought about aborting my pregnancy at six months, but I knew I loved my baby no matter what and decided to make my marriage work no matter what.
A couple of months after my daughter was born, my husband became very withdrawn from me both emotionally and physically. I was heartbroken and did everything humanly possible to get his attention. Nothing I did seem to help our marriage and I fell into a routine of working full time, breaking my neck to come home to cook his dinner and try to be a loving mother.
I found receipts from lunch showing he had lunch with someone and other items which I prefer not to mention. I asked him if there was someone else and he would scream back and accuse me of cheating. I had been married before and did not want to go back to living the life of a single middle aged women raising a child alone. He always seemed preoccupied and I did not want to be a burden, so I would always handle all family finances and events.
All my husband had to do was come home, shower and sit down for dinner on a daily basis. I wanted him to feel like a king, but I was never treated like I was his queen. He appeared to focus more on his family back in Africa and his culture than on me and our daughter. I often blamed myself and wish I did not rush into marriage because he wanted a child and I was getting older. I convinced him to go to counseling and he agreed. Several months later the marriage became more passionate and I felt we are going to survive.
All of a sudden, our luxury apartment had mice and I refused to have my toddler live amongst pests. I immediately wanted to move and he suggested we buy a house. I was not happy about him wanting to purchase a house because of our past history. He finally convinced me and I started looking for a home and was searching the Internet like crazy. On most occasions my husband went to bed early, not to mention he was never much of a companion or husband during the majority of the marriage.
I was using his laptop and noticed his hotmail account was opened. Well, you know what happened next. I started reading his emails as far back as 2001. He had saved all of his emails and I noticed there was a woman he had known for the past 10 years and they had been going to lunch together for the past 2 years. We were married for 3 1/2 years at this point. They had been having lunch together for almost 2 years and I never knew he had a female friend. Their jobs were a couple of blocks from each other, how convenient.
I questioned him on this and he refused to give me a straight answer. He told me I was crazy and she was only a friend. He asked me to please drop the topic and forget about it. A big issue I had with my husband was he was very private and secretive. He had passwords on everything and when I confronted him he would just say, why wouldn’t I have a password? I told him it does not work that way, I need answers. Since he refused to give me answers, I emailed this woman and received no reply.
I asked him to go to counseling with me and he agreed but did not show up for the meeting, but instead moved to his condo. I was devastated and confused but felt like a load of bricks was lifted off of my shoulders. Finally, I knew most of my suspicions were right; he was a cheater and a pathological liar. My immediate thoughts were, why didn’t he marry her instead of me?
The one good thing that came from this horrible marriage was my beautiful daughter. The pain is still there, but each day I realize how blessed I am to have such a beautiful daughter who demonstrates more love and compassion than any human being I have ever known. During the separation, I was determined to purchase my home by myself and move on with my life, no matter the amount of pain involved. Now, we are awaiting our divorce which will be finalized in several months. My daughter and I are happy living in our new home alone and I know that if it were not for JESUS, I would not have made it this far.
(S. AFRICA) I am just 4 months into our divorce. The anger has gone and terrible sadness has set in. With Christmas around the corner my heart aches for the wonderful family celebrations filled with laughter we used to have. After 37 years of marriage, suddenly all went wrong because of a failed affair and the divorce he wanted so badly. He is now living with a young girl, 30 years his junior and the same age as our eldest son. She has a son of 2 years old.
My heart bleeds as to how deceptive Satan can be. My sorrow is also is for my husband who is lost and seems destined to be hurt again. “Just when I needed him most” after all the hard work was done, plans to travel and support and love each other in our aging years. All gone. In God I trust, as I move on with a broken heart. I beg all who are on the edge of the “slippery slope” to think very carefully before it’s too late. May you go to God in prayer asking for strength to overcome the Evil one. Christmas greetings to you all.
(U.S.) I just found out two weeks ago my husband has been having a one year long affair with my so called friend. Our families took trips together. We did everything together. They used it to be together. He bought her expensive things. Our finances are in shambles. I am devastated. We have two childen, eight and twelve. My twelve year old seems to know.
I go between hate, sadness, my heart feels as if it is an open wound and someone keeps putting their knife in it. I am physcially ill. I go to work daily and sometimes just sit there. I am a professional women and lock myself behind my door and try to get through the long days. He wants to try and work on it. This is his second affair. I had a one night stand after the first. The women he was cheating on told him about it. Told him all the things I said.
I am normally such a happy, light hearted person who is so trusting. I feel like I have nothing to believe in. When I read advice it says to not dwell on the past. I can’t even begin to look forward. Please help me. I am lost.
(INDIA) My husband cheated on me after 15 years of marriage. When I was busy with my 5 month old baby he went out of town saying it was a business trip. Then I found out he was with a girl known to us. The worst part is he felt no remorse and has still has not apologised after a year. He is now behaving normal like nothing has happened even though there is nothing physical between us anymore. But I personally feel our basic values on this are different, and I cannot go further. Unless he apologises there is no way I can move ahead. Am I wrong?
(USA) Here is my problem. Three years ago my husband had an affair, total time together physically 6 days, emotional time before about 3 months, time before the truth finally was revealed 9 months. But like I said that was 3 years ago. Have I forgiven him? NO Do I ever think that I will? NO BUT, I do love him and I do once again “trust” him. The problem remains that since the affair my husband is unable or unwilling to kiss me passionately, a peck here and a peck there is it. Never a kiss on the neck, nothing. Just Nothing. I am to the point of wondering if that part of our lives will ever return? I have mentioned this to him, but nothing. If I try to kiss him he turns away. Sex is still a part of our lives, but it is not enjoyable for me, so surely it is not really enjoyable for him. We go to bed and the distance just seems to continue to grow. I know that I am not the same, I don’t expect things to ever really be the same, but I miss the intimacy that we once had. How do I get that part back? The rest of it, the daily fears, the “trust,” it’s all good, just this one sticking point, and I can’t stand it ! Anyone have any ideas?
(U.S.A.) I have been married for 14 years and have been with my husband for 22 years. He was my first love, the love of my life. I noticed about a year ago, little time before he turned 40, that he was starting to distance himself from me and started changing his opinions and reactions on things. I thought he was stressed at work since he had changed positions and was not thrilled about the change. He had also always expressed stress at turning 40 and would joke about having a midlife crisis. I had been very emotional about his distancing from me and we were arguing more than usual because of the changes I felt were happening on his part. I never thought he would cheat on me or want to leave the marriage.
Long story short, I found out he was having a relationship with a 26 year. He ended up telling me he loves me but is not “in love” with me and that hs is done with the marriage and wants to continue seeing the 26 year old. Needless to say I am shocked, devastated and sick. He was my best friend and we have 8 year old twins together. How could his life be so terrible that he would give up everything we had, my family whom he was close to and give up seeing his children every day? He was always a great dad and a great husband. How could I have been so completely wrong? How can someone change their values and actions so drastically?
He is an educator and this person is as well. They both know very well the damage that divorce takes on a family and children. The pain and sadness that I feel is tremendous and will not go away. I am in counseling and seeing a lawyer to ensure my children and I get what we deserve. I have peace in my actions and I accept that I can’t change or control what he has done or is doing. I know I need to stay strong and focus on my and my children’s future but it’s so hard and I feel so alone.
I can’t get over the hurt that he would do this to me and I completely put my trust in him and what I thought our future would be. We were still sleeping in the same bed, doing everything together and the thing I will never understand is that we had a romantic anniversary trip 1 week before he decided he wasn’t “in love” with me. This is after he told me on the trip that he was. I would have never been that intimate with someone who didn’t love me, so I feel used in a way. It is hard to not see an end to this pain in sight.