Are you suffering from physical abuse? If you are, please pray, read, and glean through the following info. This is not a “one-size-fits-all” situation. Prayerfully proceed. But:
Let me begin by saying that I cannot think of a circumstance in a marriage or family that could justify abuse of any kind. That includes physical abuse, emotional, mental, or sexual abuse. Abusive behavior was never and can never be a part of God’s plan for a marriage or a family.
For the sake of clarity, I’m going to limit this answer to physical abuse. And by this I mean assaulting, threatening, or restraining a person through force. It would include hitting, slapping, punching, beating, grabbing, shoving, biting, kicking, pulling hair, burning, using or threatening the use of weapons, blocking you from leaving a room or the house during an argument, driving recklessly, or intimidating you with threatening gestures…
That’s the first few paragraphs of an article written by Dennis Rainey and Leslie Barner, posted on FamilyLife.com. Dennis and Leslie give a lot of great insights within this article.
We recommend you read it by clicking onto the link web site link below to learn:
• HOW TO RESPOND TO PHYSICAL ABUSE
— ALSO, Concerning Physical Abuse —
Here is another great article that can clear up some of the myths about how you should respond to abuse. It can help to clear up some of the misconceptions spouses and others can have. They are truly worth your time to read them. We believe there is something within this article for everyone to learn. Please read:
• 4 MYTHS ABOUT RESPONDING TO SPOUSAL ABUSE
Additionally, you will find below two blogs that are written by Leslie Vernick. Leslie specializes in abuse situations within relationships. As she says:
“Good relationships are so crucial for our emotional and mental health. An old Jewish proverb wisely states, ‘Sticks in a bundle are not easily broken, sticks alone can be broken by a child.’ We all need loving connection, but for many individuals instead of love and safety, they experience abuse.”
These articles approach physical violence in different ways. We believe you will find the information to be insightful as she poses questions, and then gives her responses. This first blog gives you scriptural references to read and then prayerfully consider as you look at:
• A BIBLICAL RESPONSE TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
And then this next blog, written by Leslie Vernick, is a bit different. In it, she shares the advice, which was given to her by a former abuser on this matter of how to respond to physical abuse.
In this article Edmund Burke’s statement is highlighted, “All that is necessary for evil to triumph is that good men (or women) do nothing.” This is something to prayerfully consider. After reading this article and the others, what would God have you do?
Again, please pray, read, glean, and use what you believe God would have you pertaining to:
• AN ABUSERS RESPONSE TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Filed under: Abuse in Marriage
I’m at my breaking point. I have two daughters 2&3 been with their father over 11 years. Again today I was assaulted; he threw his cell phone at me while my 3year old hid behind me. I ask as calm as I can to get him to stop it in front of the kids but he brings them into the argument as if they’re adults. He is a recovering alcoholic that I
believe still drinks. He’s hit me often since we’ve been together and he calls me names, puts down my weight, laughs at me if I cry. I have no job, no money, no vehicle. I have no friends or family to help. He’s threatened if I leave he will take my kids from me he is a very careless person that is easily irritated. I don’t want my kids to be with him. He’s threatened to say that I abuse my kids and that I’m on drugs to have them taken away… and says if he can’t have us under his roof then than he’d rather the state take them. I’m very stuck and very afraid we will be homeless. The shelters where I live offer close to nothing; what can I do?
Hello, I came across this site because I’m looking for help. First of all I want to explain my situation. I have been with my partner for 7 years; he has never asked me to marry him and we have two kids. Things have gotten really bad over the past few years that I finally gave up and well, I had an affair. I told him what I did and he took so bad. Although I’m aware that was not the best decision, I really wish I had not separated myself from God. Point is that it happened a year ago. I have asked for forgiveness and have decided to move forward, learn, and be mature.
He has taken this so bad that in the middle of the summer he hit me and kicked me. I called the police and he was taken in. Our relationship is far worse now. He refuses to acknowledge the wrongs he has done. He always speaks to women and makes them feel like they are special. This is part of the reason why I made a poor decision. He has put his hands on me again. He says that I made him into the monster that he is. It Is All My Fault. I feel so confused and lost. I asked him to forgive me, I know he won’t do it until he is ready. He comes from a very macho mentality, a man can do whatever and he has the right but a woman is less. There are other issues he has faced.
First off let me start with I know we are both not perfect. We’ve been together 8 years and married the last 3. I was the abusive one in the beginning, emotionally and even hit him. Looking back we should have ended it than. Two years later we moved and suddenly the roles reversed. I recognized I had a problem and had been doing my best to change ever since. I got a lot better…but it seemed as though as I got better he got worse.
The first couple years after the move I took the verbal abuse because I thought he was depressed about the move. But after a couple years of being settled he got worse, so than I took the verbal abuse because I thought I deserved it. Made him that way, made him mean because of how I was in the beginning. Eventually after we got married he admitted that he had anger towards me and he felt different. He admitted to blaming me for his change he said we could work on it but things never changed.
He sometimes gets better but then when he gets abusive it keeps getting worse. He recently told me I actually made him more of a man by teaching him to stick up for himself and not tolerate verbal or physical abuse. Now he demands respect from me. His yelling has gotten worse. And now the physical abuse. He’s grabbed me before but I cornered him or provoked him by not leaving when he asked during a fight. In the past I did deserve his anger because I caused it but recently he is lashing out over anytime I raise my voice in the car.
It’s been like this for years now, he’s the only driver and I’m not allowed to talk when he’s driving. My rides to and from work are a favor and I’m not allowed to ever disrespect him in the car. I’m usually ok with this but lately I feel like he’s getting more violent. I admit I challenged him, at least in the beginning but for a while now I’ve just succumb to it. But a couple months ago we were both yelling at each other and he threw a water bottle at me, hit my leg and went all over the car. Than he shoved/pushed my leg hard. He justified it with me yelling at him and not respecting he’s driving.
Well I thought it would end but it happened again. I was upset but was not talking because I’m not supposed to and he lost it, yelling at me so I yelled back and this time he slapped my leg hard. Says I can take the bus from now on. He’s done being disrepected when he does me a favor. Says I need to learn my lesson and remember how privileged I am to have him as a ride. I will have to take bus but now my 20 min commute is going to be an hour and a half ride. What scares me is he is not sorry and I can’t tell anyone. He won’t get counseling and I’m afraid if I let this go again that maybe next time he will do something else.
Where do I get help? Should I? Is it a big deal? He does a lot for me, takes care of the house, bills and drives me. But I work a full time job too. Maybe I am to blame, he needs to concentrate when he’s driving and I just need to shut up like he says I should. But deep down I know it’s not ok. Help what’s my next step?
Ann, this is difficult because BOTH of you are being abusive and are not handling your anger in healthy ways. Marriage is for grown ups, and you both need to work on growing up and treating each other more respectful –anger management skills are definitely needed, plus, learning not to trigger each other so much. With that said, I appreciate the fact that you admit your part. Many spouses don’t –they only see and talk about their spouse’s faults.
You ask for help. I’m so glad you see the fact that you shouldn’t keep going on like this. The best we can offer you is what we have on our web site. If you go into the “Abuse in Marriage” topic at https://marriagemissions.com/category/abuse-in-marriage/ you will see all kinds of articles that you can read and glean through, plus in the “Links and Recommended Resources” part of it you will see additional help you can go to and also obtain. And please look around the web site for additional topics you can go through. We have Communication Tools and articles dealing with Communication and Conflict –some of them dealing with anger issues.
You both need to sit down at a time when the stress level is low and it isn’t a H.A.L.T. time – which would be a time when neither of you is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. There’s more vulnerability to be less tolerant during those times. As author Scott Stanley says about approaching during a vulnerable time, “A number of studies demonstrate that we tend to give people more benefit of the doubt [and grace] when we’re in a good mood and less benefit of the doubt when in a bad mood [or one of the above factors is in play]. If you’re in a bad mood, you’re more likely to perceive whatever your partner says or does more negatively, no matter how positive he or she is trying to be.”
So, the point is to discern when would be the best time to talk with your husband. You may still get a negative reaction from your him, but there’s less of a chance of it if you pick a better time to make your approach. But first do some reading so you are better informed, and pray about it. Some positive changes need to be made. Don’t keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results –expecting things will magically get better on their own. That would be crazy. Be the hero here and see what you can learn that can help both of you in your marriage. Just take one small positive step at a time and you will be amazed at how better things can get eventually.
I have only been married for 4 months, and I am afraid our marriage is taking a turn for the worst. My husband is 10 years older than me, and we only dated 10 months before getting married, but we met at Bible school and seemed like the right choice. Ever since we got married he has had outbursts. He will yell at me, sometimes call me names, and twice he has run at me (acting as if he were going to hit me, then didn’t). He has a horrible insecurity issue, and is afraid no one likes him, and his dreams will not come true etc. He even told me I am not allowed to go to dinner with my dad ever again, because I left my parents household and he is the head now (biblical terms).. I feel he is becoming very controlling and I am terrified it will escalate. He does get very apologetic, to the point of crying, but then I feel like I end up comforting him? I don’t know what to do. I want this marriage to work, but I am at a loss. Any advice?
My husband was the nicest person for weeks until we had kids. He started drinking and calling me names. Then he threatened to kill me and my kids. This bothers me. I don’t think God likes him, but he hates me. I feel violated.
My husband grabbed my hair after we were having an argument. He was mad because my 3 yr old boy was playing with other kids and he was getting cranky cause he missed his nap. We were at a farm auction. It was our first time. Every time my son acted up, I’d take him aside and parent him. Then he’d go back and play. I noticed my husband tensing and it was making me nervous. I hate when he becomes like this, more because my beautiful son believes that it’s his fault. It’s not, of course, his fault his dad can’t handle a little pressure. My husband expects us to be robots. Especially when around other Hispanic people.
So, he hurt my son, physically. It was done out of anger not parenting. I defended my son. He started telling me to shut up. My son was screaming. Then he grabbed my hair and yanked. My son was hysterical. He’s afraid of my husband when he’s like this. I told him to get out. He found a ride with a friend. Am I wrong for setting boundaries? Was I wrong for kicking him out of the car? My son cried for daddy and I just said daddy wanted to visit friends but he’ll be back home later. It made me feel bad, for my son and then also the embarrassment I caused my husband by him needing a ride. Was I wrong?
Hi. I live in a household with a father with anger issues. Who’s in denial about it. He has laid his hands on my mom twice already, and is verbally abusive to her. She never speaks up and is scared to confront him. I came home with my purse smelling like weed and he pinned me down to the ground and started choking me. He already has choked me once before to the point of losing consciousness. My brother stepped in and started to defend me, as I was getting up I got a quick glimpse of what was happening and I noticed he started choking him also leaving a red imprint on his neck. I don’t have a older adult I can trust and tell this too. I feel trapped in this house.
Help?? I’ve been married a year, and I’m 15 weeks pregnant. My husband did something really weird the other night. He rolled over to go to sleep, so I turned off the light and tried to go to sleep. After about 10 or 15 mins I was almost completely asleep and he rolled over and sort of cuddled me (maybe to see if I was awake). I smiled and gave a pleasant sigh (we had had a pretty emotional argument earlier that night so I was glad to have it all back to normal). Right after he did that he started yanking my hair really hard a few times, and then started jabbing my back super hard with his fingers. It HURT!! I didn’t know what to do, so I went into the bathroom and cried.
After I came back into the room, he said “you killed my wife and stole her hair” and I said “no you did!” (Because he had hurt me). Then he realized I had been crying and said he was just playing and trying to have fun because he missed me when I was sleeping? Ever since then I’ve felt really awkward and unsafe around him, and he keeps asking if I’m mad at him.
Is there a chance he was on some type of drug, or had a psychotic episode? I would feel awkward too. I’m not sure if it’s unsafe to be with him, but just be on the alert, just in case.
Their marriage has soured and they have two children together. She and he have both fallen out of love for each other. He is a Christian, I did not say perfect, and she does not act as if she is a Christian. He stays home and takes care of the kids even though he can bring in lots more income. She works at a restaurant and refuses to meet his financial needs. He does not work or leave the children because she is so mentally abusive to them because she hates her husband, the father of her kids.
She made a false 911 call claiming that he choked her in front of the children so CPS is now involved. Reports made by CPS indicate that the children are healthy and the home environment is clean and safe. He is terrified because she threatens to cause domestic fights and the CPS has specifically said that if there are any more domestic disturbances in their home then the children will be removed from the home. He wants to leave with the kids but has no means to do so and he has fear for himself and the children. She does love the babies but she loses her mind, it seems. Please help.
Hello, not sure where to start. This is a secondary voice concerning my sister because she’s the one who’s experiencing abuse each day pretty much. She has been in a toxic relationship for a very long time. Her husband is somebody that walked out on her with their first child. They weren’t married with their first child but long story short they now have six children together and unhappily married. They were just 19 (now 33) both had done some prison time for drugs. After that their time in prison they got back together for the sake of their first baby. They have seemed to manage alright being my sister and her husband are convicted felons for crystal meth. She became a licensed esthetician and can’t seem to find work because of drug charges from when she was 19 years old!!! So much for second chances in America.
They both seem to have hot tempers and spin each other’s stories by saying who did what worse, and who is the worst out of the two. It’s never ending; they just make sure the other one knows how much of a piece of crap they are. They fight about things from years before when they run out of things to fight hard about. They seriously use the most hurtful words they can find against each other. The kids hear it a lot. The only time they get breaks is when they are both too tired to fight, in school, or when they go to a grandparents house but they never truly get breaks because grandma is talking to my sister on the phone with the kids around yelling back at my sister to leave the s.o.b, which is their dad. And that’s got to be hard on the heart and mind. My mother has it where I’m the aunt who sets bad examples because of course her favorite is the daughter I’m speaking of.
So to tie in all together I’m just the one who gets talked bad about the worst when everyone has calmed down and when we do Christmas or summer outings. It’s not fair to be the scape goat. I have quite a normal life and a great small family. My husband does pretty good too. My other sister pretends her families stuff is together and really puts on a good front easily to see through. She is scattered brained from all the prescription percocets she takes each day. Her daughters are overweight eating heaping amounts of candy and I’m the one who gets all this crap spoke about me!!!??
Hmm…well anyway. My abusive brother in law is beating on my sister now. It has progressed to hitting her where she got a concussion just yesterday. Her pupils are still not dilating correctly and she’s suffering a headache with two screaming babies, six year old, eight year old, and a newly teenage fourteen year old. She asked him to stop hitting her at least and he said next time I will hit you and you won’t wake up. The actual txt he sent says that wasn’t my hardest punch. I could have hit you harder you wouldn’t have woke up. Meaning I will kill you next time. That’s what that means to me because she wanted him to understand what he had done. Apparently he feels it should have been a harder hit. And I knew he would say something like that.
To me she is stuck. She won’t leave because she has babies yet and is a convicted drug felon. It seems hopeless. The thing I resorted to last night was praying. I got my whole family here to pray and it seems it didn’t sink into Derek’s mind he’s an abuser wife beater. He says she deserves it because my sister laughed at him for not being able to change a tire. She cut up his clothes because he used way too many hurtful words with her and she was mad. To me that’s not abuse or crazy or a reason to be hit hard causing a conclusions. They will be fine but all of the sudden because of a fight from a week he whops her on the back of the head hard. Or he slaps her some.
He’s progressed into holding a knife. I told her I said call the cops. She said they’re worthless and would believe him over me and risk myself getting into trouble for an argument. Arguments aren’t illegal and neither is hollering or severe name calling. Even if she did push a few buttons “oh well”. She’s mostly getting after him to pay bills or help out. On planet earth we don’t nicely ask our nasty husbands “please help me out with this thank you”. No…it’s get off the couch and help now!!! Hitting hard is not okay.
It’s scary and he has no conscience about hitting her. He gets people to believe him that she had it coming. It’s sick. I can’t help her but I do listen to her and try convince her she needs him out and cut ties totally. Kids don’t care for him as much as their mom. I would leave my number for someone to help me get my sister out there but sadly I would just get pranks. My name is Melanie and would like a real answer what to do, not what you think is going on. It’s established she’s in a bad relationship and he’s hitting her harder convincing people she deserves it.
Melanie, How I wish I had an easy answer for you but this situation is complicated on so many levels, that I honestly don’t have a clue as to what exactly to tell you –other than to talk to an abuse center (we have some listed in the “Links” part of this topic and I’m sure there are some within your area of the country). Truly, your sister can’t be helped until she reaches out for help. You can’t drag her to help –being “stuck” sure isn’t working for her, but she has to take the first steps. She also needs to stop the verbal assaults where the children are subjected to this type of behavior as well. She’s got to recognize that abuse is not something she should allow herself to be subjected to (eventually her husband WILL kill or at the least maim her because of the way abuse escalates), and she also needs to recognize that their kids don’t deserve to see and hear about this and be exposed to this level of toxicity. It’s not good for them emotionally, and it also models abuse, which many kids eventually pick up. There are many separate problems going on here.
I’m so sorry for your sister and her family and I’m also sorry that you are finding yourself talked about badly –especially when you want to help your sister so much. But I love your heart for your sister and her kids (not the swear words I had to clean up, despite asking for none in the “guidelines”… but your heart). I wasn’t kidding about talking to abuse counselors at some shelters, or possibly a hot line or two. They can’t do anything about your sister’s situation until she is willing to reach out, but they can possibly talk to you about what you can do, to hopefully persuade your sister to turn her back on the dysfunction and reach out for a new life where everyone is safe –physically and emotionally. The ministry of Focus on the Family also has counselors on staff that could possibly give you some guidance. You can look into their “Contact Us” information on the bottom of their web site at http://www.focusonthefamily.com.
I hope this helps in some way. I’m glad you “resorted” to prayer. You are reaching out in the right direction. I will pray for you and your family, as well.
Hi, I’m going through the same thing with my husband. We were together 2 years before we got married. I used to be happy, whatever that is. Now, I regret marrying such a monster. He cheats on me, he beats me, he strangled me twice now. I’m afraid of divorce; I’m afraid of what he will do to me and my kids; he’s in a gang. I thought he was joking about that before we got married. Now, I regret ever setting eyes on him.
He gets angry at me for everything. The first time he strangled me, I stupidly bailed him out of jail. The most recent attack was last night; he told me he would never lay hands on me again. I guessed wrong. He gets like this every time I bring up his problems and what he did to me before. He explodes with anger, says mean, and nasty hateful things to me. Calls me horrid names, which I can not repeat on this comment. I am terrified, I’m sitting in what used to be our bedroom scared out of my mind.
I woke up this morning, I went to the bathroom and discovered I am urinating blood. I told him and all he can say is, “sorry”. Always on his phone, I say something about that, and it’s my fault. Everything is my fault. If you’re in a marriage or partnership, please I beg of you, don’t fall for the I’m sorrys I’ll never do it again. They will and you know it deep down in your heart; you know that they will hurt you again! Just leave!
Relax yourself. You can’t do everything. don’t let yourself down. Forget you are his wife. Just think about your kids. If you’ll not take stand for them, he’ll do the same with your kids. Be strong! Don’t talk about this to anyone but your mom and just go straight to the police. Tell them he’ll kill you and your kids.
How do you stop yourself from taking him back? Once you leave, you feel lonely, anxious, isolated without any friends, overwhelmed with having to care for the kids, can’t get out of bed except for work. How do I make myself think that this is better than being with my abuser? It doesn’t feel better. I need help. Bad.
I need help, my husband hits me when I disobey him. What do I do?
I’m not sure what you mean when you say you “disobey” your husband, so he hits you. Is this a father/child relationship where he gives the orders and you are the child who has to obey or you get spanked? How is this a marriage? Marriage makes you partners, not a child who has to obey her parent. Hitting a spouse is NEVER acceptable –whether it’s the husband hitting the wife or the wife hitting the husband. And the term “disobey” is also not an acceptable posture in a marriage. He isn’t your parent or master; he is your husband –someone who reflects the love of Christ to His bride.
I can’t ever imagine accepting the posture of having my husband hit me because I “disobeyed.” There is no obeying or disobeying. There is talking and working problems out as “one.” In Ephesians 5 it says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and GAVE HIMSELF FOR HER, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives AS THEIR OWN BODIES; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but NOURISHES AND CHERISHES it, just as the Lord does the church.” That does not include hitting when the wife “disobeys” unless he hits himself.
Also, in 1 Peter 3:8-9 we’re told, “Husbands, in the same way BE CONSIDERATE as you live with your wives, and TREAT THEM WITH RESPECT as the weaker partner and as HEIRS WITH YOU of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble. DO NOT REPAY EVIL WITH EVIL OR INSULT WITH INSULT. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.” There’s nothing in there about hitting for “disobeying.” You are both to work together to “cleave together as one” –not insult or assault one another.
If my husband were hitting me because of what he thinks to be “disobedience” he would live alone, without me, until he recognized that he is not to hit me. I’m not his punching bag; I’m his wife and I expect to be treated with love and respect (just as I would give him love and respect). That is my humble, prayerful opinion.
Thank you for openly saying it shouldn’t be a matter of disobeying like a child and parent. My life is identical to the above discribed and that sentence was sure a moment of clarity.
I’m so glad. I hope you’re able to stop this from happening. A marriage relationship has no room for this type of abusive behavior. You are marriage partners, not a parent/child.
I cannot understand, because the Bible says obey your husband in everything as a Jesus Christ.
I have endured but I think I really need someone to talk to and someone to talk to him. The worst part is that he never apologizes. He never remorseful afterwards. I feel rejected, abandoned, alone, uncared for.
You need to leave. I know, easier said than done. I too am in an abusive relationship, where I’m afraid to leave because he will hit me anywhere. It be whether I’m at work or at my parents house. We are all terrified of him and calling the police will only get him locked up for a couple days and get him even more upset. If you can find somewhere where he couldn’t find you, please go.
My boyfriend hits me because I lie or because I don’t do things right. Is that ok? Is it my fault that he hits me?
Maria, I believe you already know the answer to your questions. If someone came to you asking them what you asked, what would you say? If you had any intelligence what-so-ever (which I believe you do… no matter what your boyfriend may tell you), you would say NO. It is NEVER okay to hit (except for self defense purposes)… even if you lie (which you shouldn’t, but that’s another matter) or if you “don’t do things right.” You are not a child to be disciplined if you rebel; and he is not your father –a disciplinarian who is supposed to lovingly try to steer you in the “right” direction. He has absolutely no excuse for hitting you or abusing you in any way, no matter what he tells you. You are a grown up, and he is supposed to act like one if he is to be with anyone in any type of healthy relationship.
Trust me when I say this, the situation you are in will only get worse as time goes on. He will promise you all kinds of things and/or try to justify his actions in different ways, but once a person starts to treat another person like a punching bag –especially someone they claim to love, things will only get progressively worse. Please read the following article (and the linked articles within it) for much needed insight: https://marriagemissions.com/warning-escape-abuse-before-marriage/.
I hope for your sake and the sake of your future that you find a way to escape this madness –getting away from ANYONE who would treat you this inhumanely. I can’t even start to tell you all the times we hear of the same thing you are saying, only to see it keep progressing in getting worse and worse… sometimes even leading to permanent physical damage or death. You are NOT safe with this guy. Find a way to get away from him, and the sooner the better, before he claims you as his property in which, he will never let go. I pray for you Maria, and hope you will take what I am writing seriously. Your life may depend upon it.
It’s wrong to lie, but you can’t let him continue hitting you. He will never change. Don’t have any further contact with him. End the relationship.
I need to speak to someone. I’ve been getting beat up by my husband for 17 years. It’s become worse. He won’t work, won’t help keep the house up, won’t make minor repairs, steals from me, and gets excited every time he hits me. He celebrates his punches.
You have to throw him out. Many women stay in abusive marriages because of economic reasons, but since he’s not working, you don’t have to depend on him. He is dead weight.