How To Talk To Your Husband to Truly Connect

Adobe Stock Mature couple talking together in sofaIt’s amazing how complicated communicating with each other can become! Couples, who used to talk for hours at a time with each other before marrying eventually find themselves mis-communicating more than the other way around. Rather than talking WITH each other, they begin to talk AT each other. They spit out facts rather talking so they truly connect in their relationship. Have you found yourself in that place with your husband? If so, join the crowd!

And then when you realize the disconnection going on, you try to dialogue with your husband —nothing!  Something you say flies right over his head. It obviously doesn’t hold the same meaning for him as it does for you because of his reaction (or lack there-of).  And then things become even more complicated in your relationship!

What Does This Mean?

Does that mean that men are dense when it comes to communication? No. It may be YOUR communication isn’t always clear to them, but it doesn’t mean ALL communication comes out that way. And it doesn’t mean that you can’t find ways to bridge those misunderstandings. It just demonstrates the need to learn more about each other’s style of communicating and listening. This is important so you can better connect in your relationship.

When one man read one of the articles we’re going to refer you to read, he took it as if the author was saying that men were less intelligent and less capable of communicating. That isn’t the point at all! And it’s simply not true. It just means that we speak and perceive things differently from each other. And different isn’t bad or less intelligent —it’s just different!

The same is true in the reverse. Men can talk (or not talk) to us and we attach entirely different meanings to what is or isn’t said.

Why is it that we can be on the same “page” before marriage and end up on different planets afterward? That’s one of those mysteries in life, we will want to ask the Lord when we see Him in Heaven.

The Long Haul

Part of the reason could be sustainability. There are times when we can do things for a “season” but we can’t maintain it over the long haul. We will eventually go back to doing things according to our “original bent.” Does that mean that a person can never change? No. We can all grow to a certain extent. But a complete overhaul doesn’t usually happen.

Change also takes intentionality. There needs to be a determination to progress on changing ourselves in ways that are outside of our comfort zone.

There is also the importance of obtaining the help of others because we just can’t seem to do it on our own. We may never grow much beyond a certain point without the help of our partner. But together as a team —as we give each other grace, it’s amazing what can be accomplished. As the Bible says in Ecclesiastes 4:9-10,

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend (or spouse) can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!”

So, how do we “de-code” this mysterious difference in our communication styles? We discovered a few articles on different web sites that we believe will help. They won’t give you all the answers, but it’s a good start.

Please Note:

The first article we will refer you to, appears on the web site for a secular magazine. Although it isn’t written specifically for the Christian audience, it contains good information. As with any human resource, just glean whatever you feel will apply to your situation, through the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

Keep in mind that:

“There could be a very good reason why your husband doesn’t hear what you’re saying. There’s new medical research which reveals why this could be, and what to do about it.”

I encourage you to read more:

HOW TO TALK TO A MAN

— ALSO —

From  Understandmen.com here’s a very revealing article, written by Alison Armstrong, which can give you further clarity on this subject as you read:

LEARNING ABOUT MEN FROM MEN

And Dr David B. Hawkins gives several ideas for you to consider if you are dealing with an emotionally detached husband. To learn what Dr Hawkins has to say on this subject, please click onto the Crosswalk.com article to read:

RELATING TO THE DETACHED MAN

— ALSO —

Here is an article written by Emerson Eggerichs:

THE SECRET TO MOTIVATING A HUSBAND

Another article that might help you to better talk connect with your husband, can be found on the web site for CBN.com. Please click onto the link below to read:

GET YOUR HUSBAND TO LISTEN TO YOU

Lastly, an important point to consider as you approach your husband is to make sure that you don’t do it during a time when you should H.A.L.T. This would be a time when either of you is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. There’s more vulnerability to be less tolerant during those times.

As author Scott Stanley says about approaching during a vulnerable time,

“A number of studies demonstrate that we tend to give people more benefit of the doubt [and grace] when we’re in a good mood. We give less benefit of the doubt when we’re in a bad mood [or one of the above factors is in play]. If you’re in a bad mood, you’re more likely to perceive whatever your partner says or does more negatively. It doesn’t matter how positive he or she is trying to be.”

The Point

Ask God to help you to discern when would be the best time to talk with your husband. You may still get a negative reaction from him, but there’s less of a chance of it if you pick a better time to make your approach.

Here’s something that Sheila Wray Gregoire (In her “My Husband Doesn’t Spend Any time With Me” blog) writes about timing your communication. I’ve found this to be true too:

“Remember that men tend to communicate side by side, rather than face to face. They like talking while they’re doing something. They don’t tend to like just sitting around and talking face to face, the way we women do. So the more you can find things to do, the more you’ll likely communicate. And if you start laughing and finding things to do together, he’ll probably want to be with you more.

“So rather than attacking him with accusations that he doesn’t want to spend time with you, or that you want him to do something that you want to do, try to find things that he enjoys doing that you can do with him. Do this, even if you have to stretch yourself or go outside of your comfort zone. The best thing that you can do for your relationship is just to learn to be friends again. So try that out!”

The Bottom Line

Make your approach, one that truly works. Don’t continue to approach your husband in ways that make sense to you, but doesn’t work in the long-run.

You may be tired of trying, and I can well understand that. I’ve been there myself in the past. But I can tell you as a wife who persevered beyond that, which seems reasonable, it can produce fruit that is sweet. This is especially true when we partner with God in this journey of trying to improve our marriage relationships.

And if it is of any encouragement to you, I now have a terrific marriage where our communication is very open and deep in our connection. I pray this for you. May God give you the strength, help and hope to keep trying to connect with your husband.

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9).

Your “harvest” may or may not be what you hope for (I hope along with you that it will be). However, as you persevere, God will bless you in ways that would never have been possible if you hadn’t.

“And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ —to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)

Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.

If you have additional tips you can share to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

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Filed under: Communication and Conflict For Married Women

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Comments

61 responses to “How To Talk To Your Husband to Truly Connect

  1. My spouse and I have been married for over 30 years. We lost a child and survived that. Recently we went to a get-together; my spouse spent maybe 10 min w/me before disappearing on a walk w/cousin who was visiting w/us. I was upset. He didn’t tell me and I felt totally alone at the party.

    1. Hi Sue, I don’t know if this is a pattern with him, but I have to say that in many marriages (some of them very good) it’s not unusual for spouses to go in different directions at a party. The fact that he went with a visiting cousin, probably isn’t unusual. But you may want to talk to your husband at a non-combative time, when neither of you is tired or hungry (or the timing isn’t a good one) about your expectations and how much you miss him when you’re at a social gathering and he doesn’t spend much time with you. Just try to do it in a way that conveys that you enjoy his company and want to be TOGETHER with him when you’re out together. Unless you have reason to wonder what went on during that walk… I would probably approach the matter in a softened manner and see if that works. It’s sure worth a try. :)

  2. I am getting married October 2016 and I do not work. But my significant other does and we just signed a lease on a new apartment. I feel we can’t talk to each other and if we do it does nothing. I read the notes above and very well said and I will take in account of them. But we’re not married yet and a part of me is asking whether I should marry or wait.

    1. Cee, please, please, please pay attention to these red flags. Communication is so very important. If you can’t talk now, it will grow even progressively worse and more distant after marrying. NOW is the time to work on seeing if you can make a good team. Yes, there may be love, but love fades as years of disappointments come –especially if you can’t talk to each other. Make sure… very sure you are a good team and marriage partners… not just roommates. I hope you will.

  3. My marriage situation is ‘complicated’ at the moment. We recently separated and I think we’re back together but it’s becoming difficult to be around him though I love him deeply. I don’t even know how to have a conversation with him. I’ve never been particularly chatty. There is always an elephant in the room, a woman he has a crush on. She’s always lurking in my mind when I’m with him and I often wonder if he is ‘comparing’ us. How do I get past this?

    1. Hey Madeline from Australia – I just saw that no one had responded to your comment and so I thought I would do my part to help. I am not a marriage expert but I do have a bit of input that I think could be useful. I am going to assume for the sake of conversation that it has been clearly established between both of you that he has not just mentioned that he finds someone attractive (which actually could just be openness on his part and a demonstration that he trusts you to see him as human) but that he has nurtured an attraction to another woman. If he has nurtured this attraction please find a time to talk with your husband about his intentions. It is completely fair for you to ask him to commit to the relationship on a mental and emotional level.

      We humans sometimes cannot help what thoughts cross our mind or what attractions happen but we can most definitely take captive every thought with the help of Christ. The elephant can and should leave the room if you are to remain married. It will take time and trust commitment on both your part in his. On his part he must commit not just to you but to himself and to that other woman to not involve her in his mental life. When she steps into his thoughts he will have to commit to asking God to help him to refocus on the people and life in front of him with thankfulness and purpose. On your part you will have to commit to trusting him to do that. I do believe however that if you have both established that he has nurtured this crush in the past that he has violated your trust and to some extent and for some time must tolerate your temporary mistrust because he has earned it.

      For a period of time he must be willing to accept that you will possibly need to ask him how he is doing on this matter in order to re-grow your trust. However on your part please do not abuse this need and please ask God to help you work toward trust again. If he has nurtured this crush then to move past this he must humbly accept that he has wronged you. This will show in his willingness to work toward regaining trust. If on the other hand he has not nurtured it and was simply being more open about his thoughts than you are comfortable with then you may want to consider some things on your part–no that we wives may not be the prettiest, most exciting, most nurturing, most whatever person our husbands come in contact with …just like our husbands may not be the most “whatever” that we come in contact with either. And that is OK! We must be mature enough to accept that we are not the “all in all” for our spouse – God is!– though we try to offer our best to our spouse. BUT you did pick each other and commit to being faithful physically mentally emotionally to each other. So passing thoughts, feelings, attractions, whatever are to be expected in our every day lives but nurturing them even a little bit is a slippery slope that erodes trust and requires twice as much work to rebuild. God bless you. Don’t be shy about asking for your husband’s best and don’t be shy about giving him your best!

  4. My spouse and I have been married for 6 years now. My problem is I am not a good being chatty all the time. We argue and it’s getting serious. I don’t want to lose him. Please help me.