It’s amazing how complicated communicating with each other can become! Couples, who used to talk for hours at a time with each other before marrying eventually find themselves mis-communicating more than the other way around. Rather than talking WITH each other, they begin to talk AT each other. They spit out facts rather talking so they truly connect in their relationship. Have you found yourself in that place with your husband? If so, join the crowd!
And then when you realize the disconnection going on, you try to dialogue with your husband —nothing! Something you say flies right over his head. It obviously doesn’t hold the same meaning for him as it does for you because of his reaction (or lack there-of). And then things become even more complicated in your relationship!
Can Your Husband Truly Connect in Communicating With You?
Does that mean that men are dense when it comes to communication? No. It may be YOUR communication isn’t always clear to your husband. But it doesn’t mean ALL communication comes out that way. And it doesn’t mean that you can’t find ways to bridge those misunderstandings. It just demonstrates the need to learn more about each other’s style of communicating and listening. This is important so you truly connect in your communication with each other.
When one man read one of the articles we’re going to refer you to read, he took it as if the author was saying that men were less intelligent and less capable of communicating. That isn’t the point at all! And it is simply not true. It just means that we speak and perceive things differently from each other. And different isn’t bad or less intelligent —it’s just different! We can truly connect with each other, but it will just look differently than you originally thought it would.
Why is it that we were on the” same page” before marriage but we end up on different planets afterward? That’s one of those mysteries in life that we may never understand. It’s something we will want to ask the Lord when we are with Him in Heaven.
The Long Haul
Part of the reason could be sustainability. There are times when we can do things for a “season.” And for that season, we are that way. But it isn’t sustainable over the long haul. We eventually go back to doing things according to our “original bent.” Does that mean that a person can never change? No. We can all grow to a certain extent. But a complete overhaul doesn’t usually happen.
Change also takes intentionality. There needs to be a determination to progress on changing ourselves in ways that are outside of our comfort zone.
There is also the importance of obtaining the help of others because we just can’t seem to do it on our own. We may never grow much beyond a certain point without the help of our partner. But together as a team —as we give each other grace, it’s amazing what can be accomplished. As the Bible says in Ecclesiastes 4:9-10:
“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend (or spouse) can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!”
So, how do we “de-code” this mysterious difference in our communication styles? We discovered a few articles on different web sites that we believe will help us to find ways we can truly connect. They give us a good start on this journey.
The first article we will refer you to, appears on the web site for a secular magazine. Although it isn’t written specifically for the Christian audience, it contains good information. As with any human resource, just glean whatever you feel will apply to your situation, through the guidance of the Holy Spirit.
Keep in mind that:
“There could be a very good reason why your husband doesn’t hear what you’re saying. There’s new medical research which reveals why this could be, and what to do about it.”
Please read these two very different but important articles with one building upon the other:
• UNDERSTANDING THE MIND OF THE MAN YOU MARRIED
— ALSO —
Dr David B. Hawkins gives several ideas for you to consider if you are dealing with an emotionally detached husband. To learn what Dr Hawkins has to say on this subject, please click onto the Crosswalk.com article to read:
• RELATING TO THE DETACHED MAN
— ALSO, to Truly Connect —
Here is an article that might help you to better talk connect with your husband, can be found on the web site for CBN.com. Please click onto the link below to read:
• GET YOUR HUSBAND TO LISTEN TO YOU
Lastly, an important point to consider as you approach your husband is to make sure that you don’t do it during a time when you should H.A.L.T. This would be a time when either of you is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. There’s more vulnerability to be less tolerant during those times.
As author Scott Stanley says about approaching during a vulnerable time,
“A number of studies demonstrate that we tend to give people more benefit of the doubt [and grace] when we’re in a good mood. We give less benefit of the doubt when we’re in a bad mood [or one of the above factors is in play]. If you’re in a bad mood, you’re more likely to perceive whatever your partner says or does more negatively. It doesn’t matter how positive he or she is trying to be.”
Ask God to help you to discern when would be the best time to talk with your husband. You may still get a negative reaction from him, but there’s less of a chance of it if you pick a better time to make your approach.
Here’s something that Sheila Wray Gregoire (In her “My Husband Doesn’t Spend Any time With Me” blog) writes about timing your communication. Timing can also make a difference in whether or not you can truly connect. I’ve found this to be true too:
“Remember that men tend to communicate side by side, rather than face to face. They like talking while they’re doing something. They don’t tend to like just sitting around and talking face to face, the way we women do. So the more you can find things to do, the more you’ll likely communicate. And if you start laughing and finding things to do together, he’ll probably want to be with you more.
“So rather than attacking him with accusations that he doesn’t want to spend time with you, or that you want him to do something that you want to do, try to find things that he enjoys doing that you can do with him. Do this, even if you have to stretch yourself or go outside of your comfort zone. The best thing that you can do for your relationship is just to learn to be friends again. So try that out!”
The Bottom Line to Truly Connect
Make your approach, one that truly works. Don’t continue to approach your husband in ways that make sense to you, but doesn’t work in the long-run.
You may be tired of trying, and I can well understand that. I’ve been there myself in the past. But I can tell you as a wife who persevered beyond that, which seems reasonable, it can produce fruit that is sweet. This is especially true when we partner with God in this journey of trying to improve our marriage relationships.
And if it is of any encouragement to you, I now have a terrific marriage where our communication is very open and we truly connect in deep ways. I pray this for you. May God give you the strength, help and hope to keep trying to connect with your husband.
“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9).
Your “harvest” may or may not be what you hope for (I hope along with you that it will be). However, as you persevere, God will bless you in ways that would never have been possible if you hadn’t.
“And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ —to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
If you have additional tips you can share to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
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Filed under: Communication and Conflict For Married Women
66 responses to “How To Talk To Your Husband to Truly Connect”
My spouse and I have been married for over 30 years. We lost a child and survived that. Recently we went to a get-together; my spouse spent maybe 10 min w/me before disappearing on a walk w/cousin who was visiting w/us. I was upset. He didn’t tell me and I felt totally alone at the party.
Hi Sue, I don’t know if this is a pattern with him, but I have to say that in many marriages (some of them very good) it’s not unusual for spouses to go in different directions at a party. The fact that he went with a visiting cousin, probably isn’t unusual. But you may want to talk to your husband at a non-combative time, when neither of you is tired or hungry (or the timing isn’t a good one) about your expectations and how much you miss him when you’re at a social gathering and he doesn’t spend much time with you. Just try to do it in a way that conveys that you enjoy his company and want to be TOGETHER with him when you’re out together. Unless you have reason to wonder what went on during that walk… I would probably approach the matter in a softened manner and see if that works. It’s sure worth a try. :)
I am getting married October 2016 and I do not work. But my significant other does and we just signed a lease on a new apartment. I feel we can’t talk to each other and if we do it does nothing. I read the notes above and very well said and I will take in account of them. But we’re not married yet and a part of me is asking whether I should marry or wait.
Cee, please, please, please pay attention to these red flags. Communication is so very important. If you can’t talk now, it will grow even progressively worse and more distant after marrying. NOW is the time to work on seeing if you can make a good team. Yes, there may be love, but love fades as years of disappointments come –especially if you can’t talk to each other. Make sure… very sure you are a good team and marriage partners… not just roommates. I hope you will.
My marriage situation is ‘complicated’ at the moment. We recently separated and I think we’re back together but it’s becoming difficult to be around him though I love him deeply. I don’t even know how to have a conversation with him. I’ve never been particularly chatty. There is always an elephant in the room, a woman he has a crush on. She’s always lurking in my mind when I’m with him and I often wonder if he is ‘comparing’ us. How do I get past this?
Hey Madeline from Australia – I just saw that no one had responded to your comment and so I thought I would do my part to help. I am not a marriage expert but I do have a bit of input that I think could be useful. I am going to assume for the sake of conversation that it has been clearly established between both of you that he has not just mentioned that he finds someone attractive (which actually could just be openness on his part and a demonstration that he trusts you to see him as human) but that he has nurtured an attraction to another woman. If he has nurtured this attraction please find a time to talk with your husband about his intentions. It is completely fair for you to ask him to commit to the relationship on a mental and emotional level.
We humans sometimes cannot help what thoughts cross our mind or what attractions happen but we can most definitely take captive every thought with the help of Christ. The elephant can and should leave the room if you are to remain married. It will take time and trust commitment on both your part in his. On his part he must commit not just to you but to himself and to that other woman to not involve her in his mental life. When she steps into his thoughts he will have to commit to asking God to help him to refocus on the people and life in front of him with thankfulness and purpose. On your part you will have to commit to trusting him to do that. I do believe however that if you have both established that he has nurtured this crush in the past that he has violated your trust and to some extent and for some time must tolerate your temporary mistrust because he has earned it.
For a period of time he must be willing to accept that you will possibly need to ask him how he is doing on this matter in order to re-grow your trust. However on your part please do not abuse this need and please ask God to help you work toward trust again. If he has nurtured this crush then to move past this he must humbly accept that he has wronged you. This will show in his willingness to work toward regaining trust. If on the other hand he has not nurtured it and was simply being more open about his thoughts than you are comfortable with then you may want to consider some things on your part–no that we wives may not be the prettiest, most exciting, most nurturing, most whatever person our husbands come in contact with …just like our husbands may not be the most “whatever” that we come in contact with either. And that is OK! We must be mature enough to accept that we are not the “all in all” for our spouse – God is!– though we try to offer our best to our spouse. BUT you did pick each other and commit to being faithful physically mentally emotionally to each other. So passing thoughts, feelings, attractions, whatever are to be expected in our every day lives but nurturing them even a little bit is a slippery slope that erodes trust and requires twice as much work to rebuild. God bless you. Don’t be shy about asking for your husband’s best and don’t be shy about giving him your best!
My spouse and I have been married for 6 years now. My problem is I am not a good being chatty all the time. We argue and it’s getting serious. I don’t want to lose him. Please help me.
My name is Milan. I love my husband. It’s going on 7 years since we have been together. We are married but our communication skills are not the best. He does not like my adult children at all. I have to see them in their own homes if I want to connect. My husband asked me that I should just handle this the way wife’s should be. I constantly support him. I try not have an opinion as this can provoke him to seek attention with other woman and he has done so. He believes I need to show him more loving and attention. He does not work and has asked me also not to work. We can have his awesome visiting us and staying. But he calls my adult children and my family really horrible names. Please, what am I to do?
Dear Milan, How very sad that your husband doesn’t realize how he is stifling you and does not show you the support you need. You especially need his support with your family (unless your family is trying to derail the marriage or is putting him down… then there would be too much toxicity going on). He doesn’t realize that if he shows you that he cherishes you, that you will be “more loving” and give him more attention than he could ever comprehend.
If he calls your children and family horrible names, then maybe it is best to visit them in their homes. They should not be subjected to feeling like they are not welcome (unless their behavior warrants it). How I wish it were different for you, but sometimes you have to make the best of bad situations. I’m thinking of Abigail in the Bible (as told in 1 Samuel 25). She had a husband, Nabal, who was described in the Bible as being “surly and mean.” She had to work around his meanness… and did so, which lead to the saving of many lives. All I can say is to do the best you can with the situation in which you are handed.
As for his not working… and his asking you not to work, that is plain wrong. It is not biblical and it is wrong. Someone has to work or you can’t support yourselves. To ask others or the government to do it for you when you can do this yourself is just plain selfish. He needs a LOT of prayer, and you sure need wisdom on how to live with a contentious man. I pray for you and hope you will pray and keep asking God for wisdom on how to possibly lead your husband to better judgements. If he won’t make better judgements, then you need to make them. I pray the Lord helps you in this.
Thank you so much for this post. You write as if you were in my marriage. I feel like the more I try, the worse it gets. Just this morning, I heard the Holy Ghost say to me to change my approach, then I landed on this page. I believe I am more than a conqueror. I’m encouraged to keep trying by your testimony. Thanks.
My spouse and I have been married for 14 years but have been together for 19. I have lost all communication with my husband. I can’t seem to find anything to talk about; he asks me sometimes why I don’t talk to him and that makes me feel bad. When I do try it always turns into an argument or my words tend to turn around and he takes it the wrong way, negatively. I love him and I want to figure out how I can start to communicate with him again like we used to? How can I do this?
I feel like no matter what I do he doesn’t notice or see I can’t talk to him about how I feel; he blames me for everything. I feel like he is embarrassed of me. What do I do? I want him to do cute little things; meaningful things. How do I talk to him about how he is? I sit here all day waiting for him to do or say something to me but he doesn’t.