It’s amazing how complicated communicating with each other can become! Couples, who used to talk for hours at a time with each other before marrying eventually find themselves mis-communicating more than the other way around. Rather than talking WITH each other, they begin to talk AT each other. They spit out facts rather talking so they truly connect in their relationship. Have you found yourself in that place with your husband? If so, join the crowd!
And then when you realize the disconnection going on, you try to dialogue with your husband —nothing! Something you say flies right over his head. It obviously doesn’t hold the same meaning for him as it does for you because of his reaction (or lack there-of). And then things become even more complicated in your relationship!
Can Your Husband Truly Connect in Communicating With You?
Does that mean that men are dense when it comes to communication? No. It may be YOUR communication isn’t always clear to your husband. But it doesn’t mean ALL communication comes out that way. And it doesn’t mean that you can’t find ways to bridge those misunderstandings. It just demonstrates the need to learn more about each other’s style of communicating and listening. This is important so you truly connect in your communication with each other.
When one man read one of the articles we’re going to refer you to read, he took it as if the author was saying that men were less intelligent and less capable of communicating. That isn’t the point at all! And it is simply not true. It just means that we speak and perceive things differently from each other. And different isn’t bad or less intelligent —it’s just different! We can truly connect with each other, but it will just look differently than you originally thought it would.
Why is it that we were on the” same page” before marriage but we end up on different planets afterward? That’s one of those mysteries in life that we may never understand. It’s something we will want to ask the Lord when we are with Him in Heaven.
The Long Haul
Part of the reason could be sustainability. There are times when we can do things for a “season.” And for that season, we are that way. But it isn’t sustainable over the long haul. We eventually go back to doing things according to our “original bent.” Does that mean that a person can never change? No. We can all grow to a certain extent. But a complete overhaul doesn’t usually happen.
Change also takes intentionality. There needs to be a determination to progress on changing ourselves in ways that are outside of our comfort zone.
There is also the importance of obtaining the help of others because we just can’t seem to do it on our own. We may never grow much beyond a certain point without the help of our partner. But together as a team —as we give each other grace, it’s amazing what can be accomplished. As the Bible says in Ecclesiastes 4:9-10:
“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend (or spouse) can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!”
So, how do we “de-code” this mysterious difference in our communication styles? We discovered a few articles on different web sites that we believe will help us to find ways we can truly connect. They give us a good start on this journey.
Please Note:
The first article we will refer you to, appears on the web site for a secular magazine. Although it isn’t written specifically for the Christian audience, it contains good information. As with any human resource, just glean whatever you feel will apply to your situation, through the guidance of the Holy Spirit.
Keep in mind that:
“There could be a very good reason why your husband doesn’t hear what you’re saying. There’s new medical research which reveals why this could be, and what to do about it.”
Please read these two very different but important articles with one building upon the other:
• UNDERSTANDING THE MIND OF THE MAN YOU MARRIED
— ALSO —
Dr David B. Hawkins gives several ideas for you to consider if you are dealing with an emotionally detached husband. To learn what Dr Hawkins has to say on this subject, please click onto the Crosswalk.com article to read:
• RELATING TO THE DETACHED MAN
— ALSO, to Truly Connect —
Here is an article that might help you to better talk connect with your husband, can be found on the web site for CBN.com. Please click onto the link below to read:
• GET YOUR HUSBAND TO LISTEN TO YOU
Lastly, an important point to consider as you approach your husband is to make sure that you don’t do it during a time when you should H.A.L.T. This would be a time when either of you is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. There’s more vulnerability to be less tolerant during those times.
As author Scott Stanley says about approaching during a vulnerable time,
“A number of studies demonstrate that we tend to give people more benefit of the doubt [and grace] when we’re in a good mood. We give less benefit of the doubt when we’re in a bad mood [or one of the above factors is in play]. If you’re in a bad mood, you’re more likely to perceive whatever your partner says or does more negatively. It doesn’t matter how positive he or she is trying to be.”
The Point
Ask God to help you to discern when would be the best time to talk with your husband. You may still get a negative reaction from him, but there’s less of a chance of it if you pick a better time to make your approach.
Here’s something that Sheila Wray Gregoire (In her “My Husband Doesn’t Spend Any time With Me” blog) writes about timing your communication. Timing can also make a difference in whether or not you can truly connect. I’ve found this to be true too:
“Remember that men tend to communicate side by side, rather than face to face. They like talking while they’re doing something. They don’t tend to like just sitting around and talking face to face, the way we women do. So the more you can find things to do, the more you’ll likely communicate. And if you start laughing and finding things to do together, he’ll probably want to be with you more.
“So rather than attacking him with accusations that he doesn’t want to spend time with you, or that you want him to do something that you want to do, try to find things that he enjoys doing that you can do with him. Do this, even if you have to stretch yourself or go outside of your comfort zone. The best thing that you can do for your relationship is just to learn to be friends again. So try that out!”
The Bottom Line to Truly Connect
Make your approach, one that truly works. Don’t continue to approach your husband in ways that make sense to you, but doesn’t work in the long-run.
You may be tired of trying, and I can well understand that. I’ve been there myself in the past. But I can tell you as a wife who persevered beyond that, which seems reasonable, it can produce fruit that is sweet. This is especially true when we partner with God in this journey of trying to improve our marriage relationships.
And if it is of any encouragement to you, I now have a terrific marriage where our communication is very open and we truly connect in deep ways. I pray this for you. May God give you the strength, help and hope to keep trying to connect with your husband.
“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9).
Your “harvest” may or may not be what you hope for (I hope along with you that it will be). However, as you persevere, God will bless you in ways that would never have been possible if you hadn’t.
“And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ —to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
If you have additional tips you can share to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Communication and Conflict For Married Women
(USA) All I can say is my husband and I haven’t sat down for a decent conversation for almost 45 years. I was told the day after we were married that there would be no more sex, and that I wasn’t to talk to him or bother him. When I’ve tried he just walks away and goes outside and if I follow him he’ll just gets in his car and drives away.
(NIGERIA) Dear Amy, Don’t be afraid of the future, move on with your life, don’t waste away. Pray and ask God to guide your steps. Here are 4 reasons why God created marriage:
1. for companionship (it is not good that man should leave alone, Genesis 2:18-24)
2. to make us a better person (two are better than one, Ecc 4:9-12)
3. to fulfill our sexual desire (1 Cor 7:1-6)
4. to have godly offspring (Mal 2:15)
Amy, sit down and look at your marriage. For 45 years, has that marriage met up with the standard of God? THERE IS HOPE IN THE FUTURE.
(NIGERIA) I have been married 20 yrs. It has taken me 15 yrs to to learn how important respect is to a man. It has been a difficult journey but the Holy Spirit was there with me all along. No marriage can survive the storm without the HS!
I took baby steps an 1 day at a time. I am happy to say I love where my relationship is now. It can get better.
The hardest part was getting rid of the FEELING that I was the only one doing something abt the relationship and the FEELING that it was unfair that I was the one who had to change. Once I got thru those it became easier to navigate the storm.
I would love women everywhere to own up to their role in getting their relationship to where it is now. Since the relationship did not get to where it is now in a day, expect that it will take twice the time to get it back on course. Sometimes it will seam that your moves are not working… Patience.
Must haves to suceed on the journey are: openness to the leading of the Holy Spirit, A group of praying women who believe with uyou and your willingness to be a help mate.
(INDIA) Hi, I definitely agree with Tony, that a woman should accompany the husband in the activities or his interested areas. But sir, even men also have some rights towards his wife. Even he should take some effort to make his soulmate happy.
I am not married so I cannot say more but I have been in a deep relationship for 4 yrs. My relationship was going smoothly but there are several things, which really makes it complicated. The very first thing is the same, that only I make efforts to make him happy. Why can’t he? I agree that he takes me shopping, he spends on me, but these things are not enough to build a nice relationship. I only need his entire love. How could I?
As I said above, those things are addressed in the articles targeting men. Since you are not married, if he doesn’t accommodate you, why do you remain with him?
(CANADA) My in-laws behavior with me was not good. Even that they kept me in their house as I was their servent. Their daughters also live with them and me and my elder sister-in-law had to do all household chores. And my mother in law and father in law did not gave me a permission to go out and work anywhere. But I was well educated. They even mentally tortured me and my parents who are in India. Two months before because of some reasons I called the police, picked up my stuff and left my home. Me and my husband still love each other. We always talk to each other on phone. I want to live with him and he too wants to live with me. The problem is that he has no guts and he can’t say to his parents that we want to live together and his parents already told him that if he will leave their house he can’t come back, even when they (his parents) die. But my husband is my life. I will die without him. I’m living with someone knowing me. But I can’t stay with them forever. I am alone in this country. Please help me to solve this problem. I am in so much stress this time. I don’t want to lose my husband. Please do something. I want him back within a week. I will be very thankful to you.
(AUSTRALAI) I am glad I came across this as I don’t feel alone, but I feel sad as I see no solution when many of us have same issues with partners/husbands.
I’m 38 and we have been trying for a baby for 2 years. Now I have asked him to leave the home (mine before we met) as I am so upset, so sad, sick of been abused, disrespected and doing everything plus our property is a discrace. He has made it look like a dump and won’t fix things he broke or started projects like driveway left for 6 months no driveway.. I was abused this morning because I used the thin blankets last night and he couldn’t sleep. He is on workers comp because he had an accident so he does work. I do I’m primary income earner and I wake up to be so heartlessly abused over a blanket. I’ve had enough and I can’t see him changing.
I’m so sad I may never have children now but I’d rather be childless and alone that stay with him and maybe have children in a very distructive relationship. He never ever seems to care about me and always gets what he wants and if he doesn’t he threatens me with leaving or never doing anything again.. he never sees what I do for him/us and the finacial support I have given him over 4 years. He acts like he is the one hard done by and says I can’t get it better elsewhere.
I hate to say it but I wish I never met him :(
(INDIA) My husband is always telling me to leave our house and go to my parents. We don’t even share the same bed because he tells me to sleep elsewhere. We have a five month old baby and before I was pregnant, I was in a high paying job. Now I’m staying at home with my baby without any company in the suburbs. I have no one to talk to and even when I try to leave when my husband asks me to, he does not let me. I am tired of the constant chasing after and rejection. He tells me to go home once a day everyday. Despite all of this, I find it hard to put my foot down and decide to leave. I feel terrible when I see myself so weak when other women who were my peers at work and school are so independent and headstrong. What do I do? I need strength to live without this rejection and make a difficult decision of leaving my husband.
(NIGERIA) Very useful indeed. I really need a private discussion with you (the writer) on personal relationship issues. Many marriages around me are breaking because of communication gaps. A friend told me few days ago that he doesn’t talk to his wife unless he wants to have sex with her. I wonder how miserable that woman’s life will be. Please, sincerely I need a private discussion. God bless you.
Hi Sam. I wish I could say that you could have a “private discussion” with me (I’m the writer) on “personal relationship issues,” as you requested. But honestly, my husband Steve and I are not counselors. We can’t help you in the same way that a counselor can help you. The best we can give is posted on this web site and on our Facebook page, through Twitter, and in the Marriage Messages we send out each week. We have to leave the one-on-one counseling sessions to those who are trained to do so; we aren’t. I wish we could give more than we do, but we really can’t.
All I can tell you to do is to lean into is becoming a student of marriage and a student of your wife. Ask God to help you to learn what you need to, and APPLY what you’re learning (that is KEY in this whole thing, because you can have all the tools you need right at your fingertips, but if you don’t USE them, they will not do you any good). Marriage is tough stuff. Falling in love is easy… it’s staying in love that’s the hard part, and doing what it takes so that when you don’t feel very loving, you apply yourself all the more and eventually you fall back in love. My husband and I have been marriage for over 41 years. We have fallen in and out of love with each other at various times… we’ve had some rough times, we’ve weathered. But I can tell you, it’s worth it. We’re more in love now than ever before. Even so, we have to keep working at it.
On this web site we’ve posted A LOT of great communication tools, inspiring and helpful articles and testimonies, quotes, links to other web sites, plus comments from others, which can help you. Please pray, ask the Holy Spirit to guide, reveal and empower you as you read and glean through the information provided. Don’t be like your friend. That’s truly an awful approach to marriage. That’s not what God would want for our marriages. Marriage is a vehicle God can use to help us to grow up and mature and stretch as individuals and together –learning how to love in ways that we never could have otherwise. It’s not all about us and our needs. As you read through this web site, you will see that better. I hope you will. I hope you will apply yourself to learn more about marriage and your spouse and yourself and how you can learn how to love and communicate as a grown-up. Marriage is for grown-ups.
I pray God’s best for you as you apply yourself. I wish we could offer “private” sessions to you and to others, but hopefully, what you discover as you apply yourself to what we make available will help you more than we could offer you privately. I say this with all sincerity: “May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5) “And this is my prayer [truly, it is]: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ –to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)
Please get my husband to listen to me and no other women. This is why he gets confused, commits infidelity and wants to leave. May I bring smile to his face and when I call let him appreciate me and my love. I’m his wife. We love each other but going through a difficult time. Pray for us… Lord, please.
Dear Lord, Please get my husband RR to connect to me. Help him. Guide him to care for me more. Let him have more feelings towards me. Let him be compassionate, loving and helpful towards me and the house. I pray to you AMEN…
I’m surprised by the lack of people not advising these women about physical abuse… your marriage is a reflection of Christ’s love and the church. Your husband is supposed to protect your honor. He is a nurturer and provider. The scripture about turning your other cheek was not intended for us as wives to let our husbands abuse us physically. We are His precious daughters, His princesses… He would never want a man to strike us. I would advise to leave that situation until that problem can be worked out.
I’m not the happiest w my relationship, I feel lonely, neglected & frustrated a lot of times to where my flesh wants something more… divorce even. But, you see regardless of where (court room or church) I made that promise to God to love my husband no matter what… that’s what I’ll continue to do, because I love God. When you also made that promise to Him, you both were joined… one flesh. How could you separate one flesh without it being murder? Divorce is death, death of a marriage… trust in God people. He works all things for the good of those who love Him and those that are called according to His purpose. God bless you all in life, and in your marriages. I love you.
Thank you for that. Perhaps you can help to explain what to do when there’s no connection left. Or bond. I’m feeling lost. Just being honest.
Hi Cindy, I like your website. I’m having trouble in my relationship with my husband and I found some great ideas from your website. You told previous people that you wish to help others regarding relationships with their spouses. I believe maybe you and your husband are being guided by God to become Marriage Counselors.
Conclusively in all experiences of marriage shared. They revealed that MARRIAGE IS AN INSTITUTION OF NON-GRADUANTS. It is an institution of daily learning – No matter the number of years we have been married we still learn every day because of human frailty.
I’ve been married 28 years. The reason I was attracted to this stranger in my home was his wonderful communication skills and the absolute enjoyment of being able to talk for hours on any subject. The moment we were married it became clear that he in fact did not like to talk!?!?! He and I both were and are Christians but he hates going to couples Bible studies, marriage enrichment seminars, and isn’t interested in any discussions about how to improve our broken relationship. We pretty much just share the same house.
Am I ANGRY? Absolutely, Heartbroken? Beyond repair; I fear. I have pretty much lost all hope that anything will change and I fear things will get worse. My children (I was widowed when we met and we didn’t have kids together) have left the nest. I have moved away from family, and I’m trying to meet people in the town we moved to. I’ve been diagnosed with a mild form of ALS but the emotional, spiritual, and physical pain my marriage produces is worse. I made a vow to God and I will not break that vow! But I may go insane keeping it ?.
How would I start a conversation with my husband without starting an argument?
Pamela, I don’t know the dynamics of your relationship. It’s tough for outsiders to know what to advise you. Please prayerfully read the article again and ask God what you should glean from it and from the linked articles that would help you to have a conversation with your husband. Obviously there is tension between you and trust is broken that you cannot talk without some type of contempt being interjected. Pray and ask God to guide you in this problem. Are you putting on Manure colored glasses when you approach him and talk with him. See: https://marriagemissions.com/looking-through-manure-colored-glasses/. Whether it’s you who has this approach or he does or both of you do, that is a good place to start… praying that they are taken off, finding ways to approach each other in ways and concerning subjects that are softened and non-threatening to start rebuilding friendship, rather that adversarial.
I need help on trying to love my husband all over again. I have been very damaged throughout my marriage and I’m tired of covering it up. My husband is the type if it’s not about him, leave it in the past. But our past has gotten me feeling this way In our present. Please help.
I will be married March 29th 2 years. I married a man who was a bachelor for 40 something years. After we got married its like a light switch went off and he completely showed this side that I didn’t like. It’s his home I moved into that he grew up as a child. He is so set in his ways to the point he doesn’t even try to make me happy. He has such anger outbursts that I can’t talk to him about anything without setting him off on a tantrum. He gets mad if I’m watching the news and comes home with it on the TV, so before he walks in the door I switch the TV to a show I know he likes.
When he gets really mad at me about something he slams doors and then goes to our bedroom and stays there till he falls asleep. He never plans to anything with me and I spend 75% time alone. The only things I see that he likes is to watch his shows, eat, and sleep. When I try to talk to him it ends up being an argument or he doesn’t want to talk. I work a full time job and so does he. I’d rather be single than feel so alone and married. I feel like he is a very selfish person and he always thinks of himself. Our marriage needs Help!!!
Please pray for marriage for peace and love to continue.
I try to get to my hubby most of the time but sometimes I feel that he just ignores me just so or he’s not interested in what I say or feel most of the time but he want me to listen to him when he talks.