Please answer this question by leaving a comment below
(To see previous questions, visit our archive)
This is a simple question posed, for a very important reason. The reason we pose it is because so many spouses are in the position of going to church without their spouse. They don’t want to, but it’s either a matter of going alone, or not going at all. So we’re asking you, if you go to church without your spouse, what helps you? What has God, and others spoken to you that helps?
Concerning this question, Dr Ralph F. Wilson wrote:
“A sense of responsibility for her children’s faith is what motivated Dyann. “One Sunday morning I realized that my six-year- old had never been to church or Sunday school,” she said. “I know I can’t give her my faith, but I am responsible to help her learn about Jesus so she’ll be able to develop her own faith as she grows. To rob her of a knowledge of God would be even worse than robbing her of the ability to learn to read.” Dyann and her daughter, Lisa, have been attending church ever since. (From the Joyfulheart.com article, “Should Wives Go To Church Without Their Husbands?”)
This is something to prayerfully consider.
Also, Before Answering Our Question:
Here’s a piece of advice written by Desiree S. Coleman, that you may find helpful:
“In being true to yourself, explain to your spouse why your faith is important to you. Likewise, express your desire for a united family. And communicate how you would love to have a shared commitment to faith. And then, as cliche as it sounds, you will have to let go and let God do the work. Realize that the spiritual walk involves spiritual things. In other words, at a certain point, there is only so much that you can do and say. At that point, you will have to activate your faith and believe God to draw your spouse unto Him. And don’t lose hope when it seems like nothing is happening. Because when you’ve exhausted all your options and handed it to God, that’s when you realize He has been at work all along. (From the Blackandmarriedwithkids.com article, “5 Things To Do If Your Spouse Won’t Come To Church”)
And Lastly:
The following is some advice that Lynn Donovan gives from her own personal experience:
“Here are some lessons I’ve learned through sitting alone in church. One, I’m not the only one. My spiritual mismatched allowed me to see many others who don’t fit in. My heart is drawn to those who are alone, even those who feel alone but ARE sitting with a spouse. And my friends, churches are filled with these kinds of people who pretend their marriage is perfect. It’s simply not true. Every marriage, including your pastor’s will struggle, even greatly struggle at some point. It’s just different from yours.
“Allow yourself to set aside your loneliness and pain and truly look around you. It’s likely your training here at SUM and through the Word will allow you to speak love and truth into some other misfit who is sitting in the sanctuary. And that my friends, is exactly what delights the heart of God. BTW: Ultimately we will discover we are all misfits and that is exactly what God intends!!! (From the Spirituallyunequallyyokedmarriage.com article, “Going to Church Alone”)
Additionally, here is a link to an article that will lead you to even more advice that you may find to be helpful. We encourage you to read:
• MY SPOUSE WON’T GO TO CHURCH. HELP!
Now, once again, the question we’re posing. We hope you can give some insights to help others as you answer it:
If you go to church without your spouse, how do you deal with unmet expectations?
Filed under: Question of the Month Spiritual Matters Unbelieving Spouse
I grew up as a very active teenager in my church youth group. Singing with the worship team, going to all youth church activities, etc. Fast forward some 15 years later and my husband and I go to the same church together. It’s a new church at 6 weeks old. Music has always been a passion of mine even after I got pregnant and became too busy to attend church let alone to join their worship team.
Now, I have the time as the kids are a bit older but my husband thinks I am spending too much time at church because I am already helping out with the student ministry and now want to be a part of their worship team every few Sundays. He and I grew up differently. I was very active in church and he wasn’t. He likes going with me but doesn’t like being alone at church. So I need some light shed. Am I being selfish if I feel like it’s God’s calling for me or am I doing what is right?
Hello, I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year and we plan on getting married. My issue is we were going to the same church and my boyfriend left while I still remained there. I introduced him to my church when we first started dating. He left because he said he didn’t like my Pastor’s preaching method. I keep wanting him to come back and even had several dreams of him being there. He even said one of the Pastors approached him and said he looked like he was getting ready to play basketball. I’m not sure of the exact words, but my boyfriend felt some type of way by the comments. I keep praying about it that God will make a way. I want to get married but what do I do if my boyfriend doesn’t change his mind?
If husband wants to go back to first church where wife was deeply hurt, and the wife does not, is this OK to attend different churches?
Born again married Christians, but not attending same church, how does affect us and children?
My wife quarrels with me all the time since I decided to leave the Catholic church and join with churches like the first church in the New Testament.
Hello sir, I read your articles and I’m truly motivated. I’m also in a situation, where I worship, I’m not happy there but I’m still stuck because of my husband. I have been trying to blend in but it’s not working. I suffering spiritually but I can’t do nothing about it, though I haven’t spoken with my husband concerning this. The urge to leave is really growing strong.
Secondly, in the women’s department, I’m the music director, not willingly. They had me sing a song for them during a women program, and that’s how I became a music director. Its been almost a year now, still it’s not working. I can’t even differentiate between auto or tenor, I can’t sing those parts so how do I even teach them? When on stage me and my back ups are singing the same key. Yes, I can sing and I love singing but I can’t direct. I’m not happy doing it.
My husband went to our home cell and a lady church member told him when she sees me at work I never speak to her. He was upset and told me don’t be doing that. I told him that’s not true.
As we were all going around yesterday (Saturday) in the car, my wife asked the family “who wants to go to church with me tomorrow?” No one said anything. She got mad and said, “fine I’ll go by myself.” Now this morning (Sunday), she did not want to go but she had to go because of her angry threat from Saturday. She was storming around the house looking for her keys, but was too angry to ask anyone where they were. I gave her the keys and she left. I don’t want to stop her from going to church, because she clearly needs it for her anger and control issues. I just don’t want her to use church to control me.
I’ve been a Christian most of my life and my spouse has only recently come to accept that Jesus is the son of God and agreed in the past couple of years to attend church with me, although he’s very unchurched and it’s been a challenge. I was always involved with very Charismatic, spirit-filled churches, which I knew would freak him out, so we were married in the Lutheran church and have always attended “wear suit and tie” type churches, so that he would feel more comfortable.
Since he has been willing to come with me, we’ve sort of been “church hopping”. We did move states so finding a new church was necessary, but we’re now on the 3rd church in 3 years (after going consistently for 3-4 months), trying out a couple of duds in-between and then attempting a new church that we agree upon for a small period of time that will work. He’s sort of a “church” complainer. When we go to a church that is too conservative, he complains about some of the sacraments, which I agree are a little too formal for my taste. When we go to a lively worship service with bands and hands raised, he feels a little uncomfortable in that element. He’s VERY politically conservative, as am I, but he expects to find a church that I suppose would demonstrate that. If we lived near Robert Jeffress church in Dallas, I think that would be his ideal church and we could go there but it’s an hour away.
After me and our 13 year old daughter got involved the past few months he said he was no longer liking the church (“again”) and wants to try another one. My daughter is liking it and showed in interest in getting baptized. I feel like I want to respect him and allow him to lead. But how do you step aside and allow someone who is less spiritually mature than you lead? It feels backwards.
I told him today I’m willing to try a new church, but I voiced my opinion and told him that me and our daughter are just getting plugged in so it would be a disappointment to leave now. His reasons for not quite liking the church are the worship is a little too loud and the some of the band members are a little too “gruff”, such as having tattoos and nose rings, etc. He feels like they’re so “hipster” and funky that they’re almost a distraction. Neither he nor I care for tattoos and on the side we sort of laugh at 40 year olds who feel the need to go and get a nose ring or ear plugs, so I think he finds it odd that I’m comfortable.
Every Sunday, he “almost audibly” complains about some element of the service, “Why do we have to stand to sing” or “I wasn’t crazy about the last 10 minutes of the sermon” or “the guy who makes the announcements seems a little phony” or “Do you think they screen the childcare workers”. I just said that the church is comprised of people who love Jesus. People are imperfect, so there’s no “perfect church” and we ultimately just have to find a place where we are both comfortable and our teenage daughter can get plugged in.
Any advice on how I can grow myself and serve Jesus while be married to someone less spiritually mature who has trouble wanting to stay at a church and to some degree criticizes the church?
Good day. I need help with my situation. We also have been hopping from one church to another with my husband until finally I told him when we were in the last church we moved to that this is our final church and I am not moving again. We were in that church for about 2 years together until he was unhappy and wanted to move. We’ve been attending pentecostal churches all this while. So this time around he wanted to move but I told him I am not going to move again.
So he decided to move on his own leaving me with the kids. He landed in one of the prophetic ministries and was there for about 2 yrs. This church was a bit far from were we stay and he would wake up as early as 5 am so he can have enough time to travel. It appears it was a good arrangement for both of us although he wanted me to join him but because of the distance I was a bit protected.
Last year he got another prophetic church a bit closer and smaller as well and that’s where our challenges started from. Now he wants me to join him but I have been so adamant and told him I am not leaving. The other problem is I am not very comfortable with these prophetic churches. I have tried to accompany him on few occasions but my spirit is just not so up to it. So anytime we have an argument he tells me that I don’t listen and respect him and the only people I listen to are those from my church and that I should know that I am not married to my church but to him. So sometimes he gets so angry when I am going for church and if there is any special program I have to advise him in advance and sometimes beg him so I can attend and sometimes I just have to force matters.
As if it’s not enough now he was given a position in the church and he can be called anytime and he can go anytime to church and if I do not overhear the conversations on the phone I sometimes don’t know where he will be going. If there comes any instruction from church no matter how tired or busy he is, he leaves everything and he goes. The way he is behaving sometimes is so hurting. I have tried to talk to him but nothing positive comes out of it. We no longer pray together.
Last month I discovered the children’s fees were not paid and I asked him where the money had gone to and he said he paid for the church venue where they wanted to have a Bible study with the Prophet. The stories are just so many. So my question is should I just join the church I don’t like in order to serve our marriage even though I do not agree with their doctrine? I do not want to talk to my Pastors about it and I am looking for an independent opinion.
Hi, my husband and I have been married for 1.5 years (second marriage for both). He was away for 15 years and didn’t attend a local church the whole time He was gone, although he did attend church and studied on a daily basis. I, on the other hand, have been attending/been a member of a church since shortly after birth.
I feel I have a sense of commitment to the church I attend -without him going with me by the way, therefore leaving is really hard. (I have certain responsibilities that were assigned to me.) The church my husband attends asked him to take over preaching after their previous pastor left (he’s very biblically educated) so he took on that responsibility. The churches we attend are different denominations, not that it matters. I just thought I’d throw that in there.
We both are being stubborn (?) in deciding which church to choose to attend, because neither of us will budge and go with the other. It’s REALLY tough on our relationship. Nothing worth leaving the other for because having a Christian husband/wife is what we both want/need! Any thoughts? Advice?? We’ve prayed continuously about this… Thank you for your time.
I am interested in the answer to this question. Pls share with me people’s thoughts if you get any.
My opinion is that you should submit to your husband and take on this new opportunity to be a pastor’s wife. In addition, I would join a small group or attend other services at your current church so you don’t have to lose anything. All you’re doing is gaining an additional church and role as the minister’s wife. There may be people at this new church that desperately need you, and perhaps God is placing you there because he has big plans for you.
You are a helpmeet to your husband. This means you’re in the supporting role. Whatever you built at your old church, you can certainly build again at the new one. The fact that he didn’t go to church for 15 years is irrelevant. If anything, it makes him look like the prodigal son, and it’s even better.
I could be wrong, but I have a hunch that if you follow your husband’s lead, this could be a beautiful sacrifice that he will be happy to repay you in many ways in the years to come. There is so much power in submission. I still think you can retain ties to your current church and build new ones with his. I feel like you’re not losing anything by doing this, you’re only gaining experience, friends, and a whole new church body.
I say awesome. I’m broken hearted because I cant get 1 of my 5 children to go to church with me or my husband. We used to go all the time when we were first together. Now, none of them will go; they just don’t seem to care about God and are blessed life. And I think we have everything because of god. I want to slap them all and say wake up – time is near. I actually wish I could leave them for a while and maybe it will wake them up. If I could afford it I would but, I’m the breadwinner. The only thing that keeps me going is God himself. So you’re blessed that at least he’s going to church.
Alone.
I have been married for 12 years and attending the same church for about seven years. My wife has been teaching Sunday school for 3-5 yr olds the majority of the time. I attend Sunday service alone and she with me literally a handful of times in the last 5 or 6 years. I just feel like we are not going about this right. I feel like this is keeping us from experiencing what God has for our lives. Just looking for some input.
Hi Josh…Its amazing that your wife teaches Sunday School, which in itself is a blessing to you both. Consider the fact that that she is honoring God in imparting much needed lessons to these impressionable ones. I understand the desire to want your spouse to be in the service with you, but look at the greater picture, which is God using her to sow seeds. Trust me when I tell you, my spouse has not even been to a service for months now and I would gladly accept the reason being Sunday School responsibilities.
Point is, be grateful for the part she plays in advancing the kingdom. Many churches allow online access for their services so you could consider this route as a means to watch the service together to strengthen your walk with God. Look at the positive side and ask God to show you how best to talk to your spouse about this. Who knows, the Lord might just be wanting you to use this alone time to press into him more (smile).
Josh you two need to make a compromise. Worship together is important. I teach childrens Sunday School but my commitment is a third of the year. I will not assume to put the whole childrens class on my shoulders, nor put that ministry ahead of my marriage ministry which is primary. I agree that it is a good thing what your wife is doing as long as first thing is first. Most of the problems arise from lack of volunteers. But you have to trust it will work out and you and your wife must acknowledge that your marriage is primary ministry and the ground work all other ministries will be built from.
Me and my wife have been married for 16 years going on 17. She doesn’t attend church on the regular, but I do. She questions my faith and my beliefs. She asks me how can I go to church and praise God. I come home with a different attitude and she says that I’m mean and grumpy. The problem is that her family has talked about me and mistreated me so I decided not to deal with them and that’s where she criticizes me about my faith in God and my beliefs. I truly love my wife but I’m questioning if she is for me or should I let it go. Please someone help me with this situation I’m in.
Desmond, I’m sorry your wife doesn’t participate in the spiritual side of your life. There’s no doubt that there would be more harmony and peace in your home if you both worked together to grow in Christ. But, since that’s not the case then you need to reflect (show) Christ through your life to her so that she sees what Christ IS like. Do you think Christ would come home from church with a sour look on His face or act “mean and grumpy?” Now, whether you think you’re being mean and grumpy doesn’t matter because that’s your wife’s perception. Could she be over critical? Sure, but what she needs to see in her husband is a man who loves Jesus so much that he comes home from church with Joy in his heart and on his lips.
Remember, Jesus was severely mistreated and yet it didn’t stop Him from loving those who were persecuting Him. There is a huge difference between religion and a Christ-filled life. Religion is mans effort to reach God (and there’s not much joy in that). A Christ-filled life is one where we are devoted to being His representative on earth so that people can catch a glimpse of His holiness and love. Now, I won’t pretend that it’s easy to do this because it requires great sacrifice on our part. It means that we have to put other’s needs ahead of our own. It means that when we have been wronged, hurt, mistreated, etc., we don’t respond in anger – either verbally or by “shutting people out.” And the only way I know of to be able to do this is to find a new strength that comes through Joy in the Lord.
I found this link (http://www.gotquestions.org/joy-of-the-Lord.html) and I want you to commit to going to it and studying the scriptures and thoughts and then pray and ask God to help you to apply those principles to your life so that you will acquire the strength of God through the joy you live out. If you do I can almost guarantee your wife will see a new man when he walks through the door after church. WARNING: Don’t try to fake this. If it’s not “real” in your heart it won’t be real to your wife when she looks at you. This is a lifestyle, not a flash in the pan and then it’s gone.
Finally, you ask, “is she the one for me or should I let her go?” I assume you stood before friends, family and God almost 17 years ago and made vows to each other. Do you remember the part where we said we would be together “for better or worse?” And then we end those vows by saying, “til death do us part.” Well, Desmond, unless she has committed adultery the Bible is very clear that you do not have grounds for divorce, so YES, SHE IS FOR YOU! There’s no doubt God is stretching you because your wife is not on the same page as you. But look at this as an opportunity to “be” Christ to your wife. Don’t look for a fire escape; look for a way to put out the fire, because you don’t have any other options (from a Biblical perspective).
Spend more time in prayer for your wife and her family, asking God to show you how you can win them over; and spend more time reading your Bible because it really does have all the answers for life within its pages. You came to our web site looking for answers. I’ve given you some serious stuff to consider which will require some pretty big changes in your thinking and your actions. God is giving you a chance to be a Hero here, so I pray you don’t dismiss what I’ve shared with you because I believe God wants to use me to give you this second chance. I’ll be praying for you, Desmond! ~Steve wright, Marriage Missions International
My wife has grown more and more embittered towards me and the Church we attend. She now makes displays of affection very difficult. Her father is currently unwell adding to the difficultly.
I am heavily involved in Church but, not as staff or anything. I’m a committed believer that has an extended family at church (other believers). My concern is I can’t seem to help my wife! Discussions turn into ultimatums. I’ve always believed in compromise but, I really feel we need some win/win endings. She wants me out, God and our daughter hold our family togather, just about.
The whole situation is magnified to my wife as she feels I’m the Church’s Golden boy. I’m not, but whether bad or good strikes me I go to Church when it’s open and seek God. I’m not trying to impress anyone; I just Love Jesus.
How can I seek my wife’s heart? Her faith is failing, she’s too proud to repent and when she has privately she carries on like she’s walked with God and has experienced it all. She wants to leave the city thinking it will help. She’s never been a very good helper, keeping me humble has been a bigger priority. I’ve not invested enough. The holiday I’ve arranged she won’t even book time off for, I feel like I’m being pushed to cancel all my plans of future hope and good. I know we’re overdue for a holiday and she longs for one!
As for me, I probably could make more money. I have a full time decent job that I love. I spend too much time on line reading. I haven’t taken my wife out enough, our daughter clings to me and goes everywhere with me. I’m not as safety conscious as my wife; she would lock the fridge if possible for fear of theif’s. I will not side with her as she attacks my Church, the fellowship or even Churchs in general. Any advice or encouragement would be appreciated.
Please go into the “Spiritual Matters” topic and very prayerfully read through the articles that talk about being married to those who are weak in faith or are unbelievers. I believe you will find them insightful. Whether or not your wife thinks she’s a believer, please treat her as you think God would want you to treat His daughter. Do it for her, and do it for your Heavenly Father. Show her that you love her with an undying love that will go the extra mile. It’s an important mission that I believe God has appointed you to be on, starting with the day you said, “I do” to her and to God. May God bless you in this mission. :)