This marriage article was written specifically with the men readers in mind. But keeping opposite-sex friendships from going too far is something every spouse should be aware of.
You may have heard before that your spouse should know your business and you should know your spouses’ business. At first glance that may seem like a critical way of living, but read on and see if you feel the same way:
You interact with them every day, sometimes up close and personal. You can’t help but be around them. In many cases, they’re women you see more often than your wife.
They’re women at work —opposite-sex friendships —and unless you’re on guard, they can be the single biggest threat to your marriage.
Innocent beginnings
How do you know you could be in trouble? It’s not easy, because relationships tend to be progressive …and almost all opposite-sex friendships begin innocently.
You start at a very basic level of getting to know each other. But before you know it, she begins to open up and express her concerns, hurts and problems (particularly those relating to her husband or boyfriend). Being a gentleman, you give her a sympathetic ear. In appreciation, she gives you attention and caring —perhaps more so than your wife. You find her flattering, and a nice little boost to your ego.
Before you know it, that opposite-sex friendship becomes the most important relationship in your life —surpassing even your relationship with your wife. When that happens, that workplace relationship has become a real threat to your marriage.
Here’s how to tell when an opposite-sex friendship is becoming dangerous:
• You find yourself sharing personal information with her that you otherwise wouldn’t share with someone else or your spouse.
• It becomes common to begin looking for her when you get to work, and find yourself genuinely disappointed when she’s not there.
• You start creating opportunities to be alone with your opposite-sex friend during the workday, such as through non-work related lunch appointments, or lingering too long at her office or cubicle.
• You’re physically attracted to the person, and think about her when you’re not at work.
Now, I know there are many of you thinking, “Look, I’ve had an opposite-sex friendship at work with (insert the name here) for years. Nothing has ever happened, and nothing ever will. It’ll never become inappropriate.”
Okay, then please ask yourself this: “Are you sure she feels the same way?” You might not intend for anything inappropriate to happen. But because of her own issues —ones of which you are completely unaware —she may be starting to drift from concentrating her husband or boyfriend.
She’s not dealing with problems they way she should be with her spouse, and she’s starting to find more fulfillment from her relationship with you. Even if nothing inappropriate ever occurs, you may be unknowingly preventing your opposite-sex friend from facing issues she needs to deal with only with her husband or boyfriend. You can’t risk letting that occur.
Here’s a good rule of thumb to keep in mind.
In the workplace, it’s best to keep a professional barrier between you and others. Frankly, you’re not at work to have an opposite-sex friendship anyway. You’re there to get a job done. That should be your sole focus.
Finally, take to heart this sound advice from Proverbs:
“My son, preserve sound judgment and discernment, do not let them out of your sight; they will be life for you, and ornament to grace your neck. Then you will go on your way in safety, and your foot will not stumble.“ Proverbs 3:21-23
“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.“ Proverbs 4:23
Demonstrate God-honoring character in all your relationships, especially those with women at work. You’ll avoid the pitfalls that come with opposite-sex friendships. You will also strengthen your bond with the one person that matters most—your wife!
The above article came from an E-mentoring message sent through the ministry of Intentional Living Theintentionallife.com with Dr Randy Carlson, which also includes the ministry of Family Life Radio. This ministry provides many free articles you can read on their web site, as well as Dr Carlson’s radio program that you can listen to.
Filed under: Emotional & Physical Affair
(USA) I have a question. Is it okay for married men to counsel, mentor, or spend time with single women?
(INDIA) Yes, but there should be no sexual relationship with that single woman.
(INDIA) Yes.
(US/INDIA) I need some help. I want to call off my wedding which is just 20 days from today.
Here is the situation:
While dating, things were fantastic between my then boyfriend and I. I seem to understand his work pressures and he seemed to understand my emotional needs and things were perfect. Then all of a sudden I lost my job after our engagement. I moved in with him to his state and that’s when all the issues began.
1. I found out he lies a lot. He told me he was going out of country to Amsterdam, but had a side itenary in Germany.
2. When he got back from the trip, he said he said his ex-gf wanted to meet him. But after pleading he forwaded that email and turns out he wrote to her saying “I am getting married and want to share the news with you in person”. Another lie . He went on defending himself saying it was indeed very healthy to meet an ex. I am totally against it . I have cut off all ties with my ex and I expect him to do the same.
3. He has a female co-worker that he is very good friends with and spends a lot of time working with her even when he doesnt have to. I told him he could work with her when necessary and when not he could work in his own office. Again, he got very defensive.
4. I noticed that he shares a lot more with this particualy female colleague about his work than he does with me. He tells her when he is stressed out etc. I long for the emotional connection with him and I don’t get it. He once again got defensive and said that co worker has been a friend since before he knew me and he wont change his lifestyle because I am more recent. (The female colleague is getting married a month after us and she is very friendly to him but doesnt look me in the face and talk to me the all 3 times we met). He also said that her friendship was important to his personal growth and professional growth (I agree she is a good and intelligent colleague and they get lot of productive work done). I’ve asked him to keep professional relationships professional.
5. Now I dont suspect that there is an affair. However, I know that my fiance is emotionally attracted towards her and will do anything to keep her friendship. He also likes spending time with her and that is why he works at her office instead of his even when unnecessary. I almost broke up the engagement a month back but he promised that he will work only on their shared work together and not be in her office.
Despite his promise, I feel no peace. I know he will live up to his promise, but that wont bring him satisfaction. And that wont bring me satisfaction because I want a relationship based of understanding and control. He sure doesnt understand me and making him do things for me is control and will backfire sooner or later.
In a nutshell I dont feel emotionally close with him. I’m craving for my boyfriend of 4 yrs that I broke up with. But he is also engaged and going to get married soon.
I dont feel peace at all in this relationship. Someone pls. help.
–Confused at heart.
(USA) Its not necessarily wrong however, it’s not ideal either. If he is simply there to council them then certain guidelines should be followed… He should only communicate with them during work hours and in their time that has been appointed. Also, there should be a way for others to view them during their session. Not necessarily hear them, as I am sure the issues are private but, they should be where nothing innapropriate can take place.
Keep in mind that God expects even single people to stay sexually moral. Therefore, we shouldn’t put ourselves in tempting situations. That is why it is always better for people to council their own sex. Other people may not see this as a big issue but, I see it as you trying to protect your spouses sanctification and your marriage. We should always look out to keep our brothers and sisters on the straight and narrow. We are called to discern and correct. God Bless!
(USA) Scripture is clear that this is never a good idea. Anytime you are sharing your deepest emotions with another, there is going to be something DEEP coming out and the devil is right there to grab on. Adults absolutely know what they are doing every step of the way and many of them are raising kids to act just like them. Raising a generation of vipers as God puts it because children do learn what they live.
Just like the male/female friendship. They always say “we began as just friends and then started sharing everything about or lives and how unhappy our marriages were and it JUST happened.” There is no love outside of Christ and cheaters always paint their spouse to look awful and they are wonderful but it’s all the devil and based on lies and slander.
Of course your marriage is horrible, look what is in your heart to do and who you are giving all your attention too! And what kind of person does that to their own flesh and what does someone hope to get from one that betrays their God and family? If they are the 3% that actually do leave their marriages, they will do it to the other adulterer. A marriage made in Hell! And as they are always claiming Christ can you hear the fights? Always attacking each others testimony which is long gone by now. Outright rage and hared authored by Satan that they gave everything too!
Like mowing the neighbors lawn and neglecting your own. It is not rocket science. We are all capable of honoring our word but men love darkness rather than light. Unrighteousness rather than righteousness and is most often the case, females working their way up the pay scale at the company. Going for the money and the love of money is the root of all evil. Men have been paying for sex from strangers and there have always been females willing to sell their bodies since we began. It is in the Bible only the currency was often livestock. If you cannot find a same sex counselor and really feel the need, never go without your spouse. It’s really crucial to understand that affairs and all sexual sin are always of Satan and with the same intent: To destroy God’s most sacred of unions-marriage/family. Guard your heart-Proverbs 4-23, drink waters from your own wells and cisterns-Proverbs 5-15 and do not take chances.
People know when their conversation with a “friend” becomes inappropriate and that is the devil convincing you to take the first step. Everything after that gets easier and easier and the devil doesn’t have to do anything else. People take it from there and that is Satan’s plan. These are the willful children of disobedience and wrath God speaks of. He is not talking about kids but adults that claim Him and live so wicked. “Ye are as your father the devil” 1 Timothy 4-1 tells of those that depart from what they know and give into seducing spirits.
There is enough scripture to support that we cannot lose our salvation but watching someone live so wicked for so long you have to ask if they were ever saved at all. That is who Jesus is talking too when he says “Depart from me ye workers of iniquity, I never knew you” Who is a worker of iniquity? Those that willfully sin.
Satan has become very good at telling us it’s all okay. If that were so there would be no reason to live a righteous life. God’s words are very clear. Those that are of Him live in a way that shows that. We all still sin which is any thought, thing or action that displeases Him but they don’t all destroy other people. There are consequences and they do match the offense.
He saved us to worship Him and lead others to Him. Rather hard to do when you are at the top of the sin list in your company albeit carrying a bible. Carrying on year after year with your “friend” and trust me, everyone that sees it-knows. People are not stupid as with our kids. What you do counts more than what you say. It will all be judged and the harm done to the innocent will be judged most harshly. Live like God is watching!
This is sad… why can’t any of these articles be geared towards women? My wife has a male friend that she spends hours on the phone with; she calls him during her lunch, and chats with him on her way home from work. She does not see this as inappropriate at all.
No.
(SOUTH AFRICA) All the articles are about marriage. But is it not also applicable where you are in a serious relationship? My view is that a serious relationship is almost as if the couple are married.
(USA) Sorry Gert but “no”. Marriage is the second most sacred covenant bewteen man and God besides giving your heart to Jesus and he says that if you have sex outside of marriage, it is “fornication” and right there with murder, adultery, blasphemy and all other things that anger God.
If you want to spend your life with your partner, go to a Magistrate. It doens’t haven’t to be a big fancy church wedding but please, get it right with God.
In marriage, you become one flesh and the spiritual connection of knowing you were made from his missing rib and belong to each other is mind-boggling. That is why adultery which rips that God has made apart is so dirty and evil. I promise once you feel that bond in Christ with the two of you, you will be so amazed. Love and prayers.
(ZIMBABWE) I think another area that needs to be discussed is that of communication between husbands/wives with ex-girlfriend/wives or husbands/boyfrineds. Where do we draw the line?
(ZIMBABWE) i have a friend of the opposite sex and people at work have started talking. on my part i dont think of him any further than a friend. When i read this article it was like a wake up call. Because i dont want it to go further than that. My hubby doesnt know about him so should i maybe take a few steps back with this friendship. We are constantly together, 1st thing in the morning its either he looks for me or vice versa. We go for lunch together. I sometime send him on personal errands if i cannot. He tells me he loves me but jokingly (i think) or maybe he will be serious, but i never take him serious coz he wont be serious
(USA) Drop him before your husband finds out and you LOSE you marriage. You WILLLLLLL destroy your marriage if you continue. The worse thing is, and I’m going to be blunt, that the woman always comes out losing. The guy is patted on the back for being a player and you, well, let’s just say a woman in an affair, whether physical or not, never comes out smelling like roses.
(KENYA) I have a dear girlfriend who bothers me a lot in terms of her totality! She has been so close to me. She does anything to win my attention, of which she has worn! She ensures that we are constantly together. 1st thing in the morning it’s either she looks for me or vice versa. We go for lunch together. I sometime send her on personal errands if I cannot. She tells me she loves me but jokingly (I think) or maybe she will be serious, but I never take her serious coz she won’t be serious.
(USA) My wife has two very good friends from work that are lesbians. So I’ll assume this also applies. I think one good point here is that even if she has no intentions of anything other than friendship, her friends feelings could grow stronger for her. Each of them takes her out to lunch or dinner at least three times a week. She seems to spend a lot of time with either one or both of them watching a movie or going to their place. She is open to me about it but it makes me feel very uncomfortable. I look at the situation the same as if the friends were males. Am I wrong to feel this way?
(INDIA) No you are not wrong, But you should make this clear with your wife.
If you are uncomfortable with it and yet she refuses to modify her behavior, this is a big red flag. I once went to church with a guy who had four children with his wife before she left him for another woman, and the children weren’t young. I also know a man who raised two sons before leaving his wife for a man.
(USA) Well, I have been going through a rough time with my husband and I have found it comforting to spend time with and discussing my issues with my male friends. I always make sure that they understand that I am married and that I do love my husband very much. My husband is aware of my contact and dealing with my male friends. I have not chemistry or attractions what so ever to my 3 male friends. It is almost like they are just a listening ear.
Part of the problem my husband and I have, is that he does not like to do the same things I like to do and because of my "wild past" he does not like to go out with me too often and this has cause me to have a lot of resentment and anger towards my husband because I never go anywhere. We have an 8 month old daughter and I spend most of my time with her so I would like to have something just for me (my opposite-sex friendships).
I do not feel like I am having inappropriate conduct and my husband does not give me any indication that he is uncomfortable with it but then again we have not been exactly on the best of terms, and he had also withheld information from me about his dealings with those of the opposite sex. Am I doing something wrong??
(USA) I have been away from my husband for over a year now. Not on purpose or planned but due to events beyond our control. I miss him so much and sometimes I feel like my heart will stop beating because it hurts and I get so lonely.
Last year I befriended a coworker of the opposite sex because we had some things in common. He is married and has a family, but understood my current situation. It was like finding someone to talk to who understood the way I was feeling and actually gave me some pointers on how to resolve some issues I was having.
Anyway, we went to lunch constantly – sometimes alone and at other times with other co-workers. We talked about personal issues and I agree with this article because the more we talked the more attracted I was to him and vice versa. Luckily he got another job but we still kept in touch (talk on the phone, texting each other etc.).
I know this was wrong and I should have stopped it, but I couldn’t. I still think about him, everyday and constantly look on my phone to see if he called. We had talked about this and decided to not pursue anything physical between us, but I still think of him. Should I tell my husband about this?
(USA) Am I too hard for my husband to get really angry, when I found out he was talking to his ex from HS? Cell phone, myspace, IM, texting everyday… I accused him having an affair. He got really mad, told his friend (girl) that he was leaving me; he’s tired of me. I asked the girl to ignore my husband’s calls & told my hubby to stop too. They didn’t stop, so we had 2nd round fight. And he told me he stopped, but sometimes it’s hard to trust. Most especially since he’d done this twice. 5 years ago, he found his other friend (girl) from classmates.com. We changed our cell phone & home phone. They’re very expensive. I found out they’d been talking all that time. All along he’d tell me they were just friends. But as a wife, it hurts a lot. He spends a lot of time talking to them, instead of talking to me. I told him I’ll trust his words, I love him so much…
(ZIMBABWE) I do agree with the article. I had a male friend too and we were so close that when I reported for duty he would look for me just to say hie. I had no feelings for him since l knew his fiance, but things didn’t go the way l thought they would. He started passing comments like "l wish l was in love with you." l smelled a rat and told him l also had my fiance. He knew about him but he kept on insisting. Even now that l am married he keeps on saying he loves me. So ladies out there, be very careful because opposite sex friendships are quite tempting.
(USA) Hi Zodwa, This man is not a friend, he is the opposite –a wolf dressed in sheep’s clothing. A friend does not think of satisfying his own desires above yours. For the safety and sanctity of your marriage, you must confront this “friend” if he steps over the line of saying or doing what he shouldn’t, and tell him that he is no longer your friend if he talks to you that way. Flee from his friendship if he continues.
The Bible says that "A friend loves at all time." In other words, a friend loves you so much that he cares about that which harms YOU — not what satisfies his/her desires above that which will hurt you and damage or destroy your marriage.
Make Christ your friend instead. "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother" (Proverbs 19:24). "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends" (John 15:13).
Jesus thought less of His own comforts and more of yours. That’s why He sacrificed Himself for you. Please never forget that and remove this other "friend" from your life if he approaches you wrongly or you find you have feelings for him that you shouldn’t. That is a friendship that will poison. This is sound advice for ALL of us.
(USA) My husband has a friendship with an ex-girlfriend through email… doesn’t understand I want it to stop. What is you input of this? I am heart broken, and found out by accident. She got his email from a mutual friend of theirs, by emails this woman was sending her boyfriend. I am sick about it and can’t mention or talk about it with him. He feels that he is not doing anything but emails and that is okay.
HELP ME PLEASE!
(UGANDA) Men never seem to understand the impact of their relations with women and ex girlfriends. They take it so easy. We women take it so seriously; it makes us seem like nags.
My husband is the culprit in this. He has done this to me not once not twice. He says he’ll stop. Then he tells me that I knew the man I was marrying before, and I said I would not change him. Today I have freed myself of the whole hullabaloo and decided to ignore and let him act a fool. Maybe one day he will come to his senses. I am hurt to the extent I am becoming indifferent to his behavior. That’s how bad.
(SOUTH AFRICA) 3 years I had serious problems with my husband, in fact he was cheating on me but kept on denying it. I asked for advice from my male friend and at the end of the meeting, he told me he loved me. Because I was so hurt, with time this grew into an affair. I would tell him about anything that happens between me and my husband and he always had “advice” handy.
I later was determined to get things working between me and my husband and I thank God he intervened for me. Things are well between us now and I always regret that encounter with my male friend. I don’t even want to see him because I have seen what it can do to my marriage. You don’t know the intentions of the other part, so it’s best stay clear from the beginning.
(ZIMBABWE) To be honest, it’s difficult to maintain propriety with the opposite sex. It has been really difficult to not commit “minor” indiscretions in the relationships I have had. It seems the relationships end up becoming liaisons instead of friendships. Because of this, I have decided to not have friends of the opposite sex. Is it practical? Please help…