The following are some quotes on the issue of leaving parents (on the husband and wife’s part) to cleave to your spouse. They come from a radio interview. It is part of an eight part radio interview series, which was put together by the ministry of Family Life Today. It is titled, “Becoming One: God’s Blueprints for Marriage.” Dennis Rainey and Bob Lepine are the hosts.
In the parts of the interviews that we will be sharing, Dennis Rainey lays the groundwork with the following scriptures:
For this cause, a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh, and the man and his wife were both naked, and they were not ashamed. (Genesis 2:24-25)
In the beginning part of this interview Bob Lepine makes the following statement:
I was reading recently in Dr. Dan Allender’s book, “Intimate Allies,” and he made the statement that, in his experience, he could trace 90% of marital discord back to a failure to leave.
Concerning Leaving Parents, Dennis replies:
“Most couples don’t think they’ve failed to leave. Yet if they could see what is trailing behind them as they walk out the church, they’d see ‘apron strings’ still tied to a man and a woman by their parents. These are people who love and care about them, but simply don’t know how to let them leave. It’s awkward because there is a new union formed there. This is a new relationship that is an entity, and it’s supposed to be. It’s supposed to be a couple who are one, who are in the process of forging a marriage relationship.
“I was reading in Tim Kimmel’s book, ‘Powerful Personalities,’ describing different personality types and how different people try to control others through aggressive or passive behavior and how we can manipulate each other. A young couple that is really not prepared properly to establish this new marriage relationship —if they’re not careful, will be controlled by either his or her parents or find themselves in between two sets of parents trying to establish this relationship. The word ‘leave’ from the biblical text means to ‘forsake dependence upon.’ It means to turn your allegiance away from your parents toward your spouse.
“We do that in such a way that honors our parents but that sends a clear signal that this is a new relationship that must be established. Sometimes parents don’t realize that this command in Genesis 2: 24 is as much a command to the parents as it is to the couple who are getting married. It’s the wise parents that can understand the dynamics that a young couple is under as they try to forge the identity of a new marriage in the midst of two competing families.”
More so, on Leaving Parents, Dennis commented:
“It’s hard to turn your back on the emotional giving, sharing, and development that you’ve poured into this daughter or this son’s life to encourage them to leave. It doesn’t mean you lose the relationship, though. It means, in essence, you get one back that’s different, that has different parameters. You shouldn’t be controlling them as a young adult, anyway.
“A lot of parents need to realize you need to let your son or daughter grow up. Let them become a mature adult and relate to them more as a peer and less as a child. But some of our parents simply can’t get beyond that. In some situations, we represent the only real relationship that our parents have. They don’t have a vital marriage, and the only real relationships they have are with their children. For that reason, they simply can’t or won’t allow them to leave.”
Here’s another important point Dennis made on Leaving Parents:
“There are three areas you can run a test on to see how you’ve done in leaving your father and mother. The first is emotional. Have you left your parents’ emotional control of your life? Are you still looking to them for support, for encouragement, and for their approval?
“I remember, in my immaturity as a young man, sharing with my mom a mistake that Barbara had made in our marriage. It was a minor mistake. Barbara had hurt me, but I shared it with my mom, and it was as though I had shared this grievous error, because my mother came running over to me. And although she didn’t say these words verbally, what I felt was, ‘I knew that she couldn’t be the woman that you really needed as my son.'”
A Valuable Lesson on Leaving Parents
“I was almost 25 years old, so she had 24 years practice caring for me as her son. But what she was doing was rushing in to care for me. And in future conversations with my mom, the mistake that Barbara made would be brought up by her. I learned a valuable lesson. Be careful, as a couple, what you share with your parents of how your spouse has disappointed or hurt you. Your parents don’t have near the grace to give your spouse that you have. You’re their son or their daughter that they will naturally move to protect. They’ve been trained to do that for years.
“I don’t condemn my mom for her protective instincts. I just recognize that they’re there. But I realized at that point I couldn’t share those disappointments with my mom. It would simply play to a weakness in her life. As a result, it would set Barbara up to be a failure in my mom’s eyes.”
Here’s Another Point Dennis made on Leaving Parents:
“If your parents are trying to manipulate you emotionally, what you have to do is ask your spouse to help you get beyond this. Build some boundaries around your lives, around the holidays. Determine how long you’re going to go and when you’re going to go. Also determine whose house you’re going to go to for that first Christmas or that second Christmas or successive Christmases. Use the marriage relationship that God has given you to protect one another from being manipulated or being taken advantage of or from emotionally being clobbered by parents.
“Your spouse ought to be that person you cleave to and depend upon to really help you get free of your parents and establish your own identity as a couple.”
Dennis talks about financial decisions made apart from parents (which is quite wise) but then he goes onto “decision-making.” It’s another aspect of leaving parents, which is important.
Dennis makes the point:
“This could include the spiritual dimension of life as well —just getting advice from parents. Parents need to give advice. I think we need to go back to them for counsel and for wisdom. But the decision needs to be yours as a couple. You need to share the weight of that decision praying together and making your decision as a couple.
“That doesn’t mean you wouldn’t do what they say. It just means that you can’t give them power over your lives…”
Here are a few additional thoughts Dennis shares that are very important:
“I’ve got three quick thoughts for you as you evaluate as a couple what you’ve done in leaving your father and mother. First of all, I’d encourage you to discuss, as a couple, have you left? Each of you —have you left emotionally, financially, and for direction or decision-making? Secondly, if you’ve got some problems there, I encourage you to pray together, as a couple, for a solution. And, third, honor your parents but take action. Set a course for your marriage and take control of the future by making decisions that will create health and spiritual vitality in your marriage.”
And then, here are a few quotes that we want to particularly point out from the radio program, “Leaving Part 2.”
In this interview, Dennis Rainey is asked what a couple should do if the parents don’t want their grown “children” to leave.
To this he replied:
“You can’t make that decision for your parents. You can’t force them to let you leave. All you can do is leave. Leave your need for approval from them and turn to your spouse and let that person be the one that you cleave to and commit to, to experience approval and appreciation and encouragement that God intended in the marriage relationship.
“Many times I’ve used the illustration of the husband having a set of blueprints and the wife having a set of blueprints, and the problem when their blueprints only overlap at points. If a husband and a wife both have the same set of blueprints, and they’re both coming at their marriage relationship from the Scripture, they’re going to be building their marriage as God designed it.
We’re Told in the Bible Concerning Leaving Parents
“Genesis, chapter 2 gives us the panoramic view of the marriage relationship from God’s perspective. In verses 24 and 25 He says, ‘For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked, and they were not ashamed.'”
“I believe every marital problem can be traced to a failure to leave, a failure to cleave, or a failure to really cultivate that oneness of flesh. If we understand these blueprints in the Book of Genesis, it will help us, as a couple, have our marriage set in the right direction.”
Later in the interview Dennis Rainey refers to Genesis 2:24 again and explains why God wants the couple to “leave” their parents.
He said:
“God wants a man and a woman to become one. It’s the marriage relationship that causes him to leave his father and his mother. The word ‘leave’ here means to ‘forsake dependence upon.’ It means we no longer look to our parents for approval, support, or for encouragement. We leave one sphere of influence and move to another sphere of influence.”
In this interview, Bob Lepine asks Dennis how this couple can prepare their parents. Is there anything they can do before the wedding to prepare them on the issue of leaving parents in priority?
To this Dennis replied:
“They are in an enviable position of being able to establish the leaving to occur in the right way. They can begin to spend time with their parents and let them know that although they’re leaving them to establish this new union. Both of them are still are going to be their son or daughter, and they want a relationship. But they can send signals to the parents to let them know that their allegiance is switching. It’s established that they’re going to be committed to this new person that they’re making a covenant within the marriage ceremony.
“Parents need their sons and daughters to help them in this process. It’s difficult. Emotionally, parents don’t want to give up the investment that’s taken place over 18 or more years. It’s the wise person who can understand those dynamics. Maybe they can even talk about it with their mom or dad. Let them know that you know it may be a struggle.
Sad, But True Concerning Leaving Parents and Others
“It may be that the son or daughter is the only real relationship they have. They may not have any other relationships. They may be in a dead marriage. It’s possible, they may not be alive spiritually. They may not be plugged into a good church where they have their relationship needs met by other Christians. And so for them to say goodbye to a son or daughter who is getting married, is to cut themselves off from a living hope. It’s at that point that we need to give our parents a gift of compassion. It’s the gift of looking at your parents through the eyes of Christ. How can I so minister to them and encourage them that it will make this process of leaving palatable for all concerned?”
Bob asked Dennis:
“Let’s assume that the wedding has already taken place, and it’s 5 years into the marriage, and couples are beginning to look at one another saying, “Is this an issue for us? Maybe we haven’t done a good job of establishing our leaving from our parents.”
To that, Dennis replied:
“I think the process really begins when you realize that you haven’t left, and you haven’t done it properly. If you recognize that that’s true, then at that point you can begin to take some steps that will breathe some health into your own marriage but also into your relationship with your parents.
Some Parents Have a Hard Time Accepting This
“…Yes, there are certain parents who are manipulators, who are controllers, and they have such a pattern of controlling that they simply can’t allow their child to leave. I was reading in Tim Kimmel’s book, ‘Powerful Personalities,’ about three kinds of personality types. One is the aggressive controlling type; a second kind is a passive manipulator, and a third one is a combination of the two —a passive-aggressive controller. Tim really does a great job of explaining how you can have your life controlled by another person. But he explains how you can break free from that control.
“The first step in dealing with this as a married couple is beginning by honoring your parents. I think any leaving of your parents can be difficult. It could be done at the wedding ceremony for a couple who’s getting married where you honor the parents during the ceremony. Or it could be a married couple who have been married five years, 10 years, or more. There are ways to leave your mother and father and still bring honor to them.”
All of this gives you a preview of some important points concerning biblically leaving, cleaving, and “becoming one.”
I GREATLY encourage you to listen to or read the rest of the interviews. Please prayerfully consider what is said here because the advice given is golden. It’s very scriptural and wise concerning the important principle of leaving parents and family. You can do so by going to the Family Today web site. Ask for the 2-part series titled, “Becoming One: God’s Blueprints for Marriage” at Familylife.com.
— ALSO —
The following Family Life Today article is written by Mary May Larmoyeux. In it, she gives “ten ideas for dealing with a wife who won’t leave or cleave”:
• MARRIED TO DADDY’S LITTLE GIRL
Concerning leaving parents and extended family after marriage, here’s some good advice to prayerfully consider:
“When you married and established a new home, you departed from your old ways. You didn’t leave your first home in terms of love or communication. But you did leave in terms of authority and priority. The most important human relationship now is the one you have with your husband or wife. More than that, your marriage is a living, breathing institution with a life of its own. It’s a covenant that is a symbol of God’s love for the church, His body of believers in Jesus Christ.” (Dr Randy Carlson)
Filed under: Dealing with In Laws & Parents
(USA) I really enjoyed reading this. I am going through this struggle, my fiance and I will be getting married in 2 months. I still live with my parents, and they are having a hard time "cutting the apron strings." Every decision we make needs to be run through them, whether it be emotional, physical, or financial. It is taking a blow at my relationship with them and my fiance. One mistake that really stuck out to me that I have made is emotional dependency. I have gone to my mom and basically told her everything about the relationship and any minor hurts my fiance has caused me. It is very tough even now and I cannot expect some instant change after the wedding… right?
(USA) If you have any problems now, later that problems will x. Solve all issues before marriage and write them down. Together write down what is expected good or bad on both sides. Find out more about the other person’s feelings and back ground. If the family back ground is bad, when troubles arise the family will re-enter the marriage and break you up. Why? Because when a person is looking for a way out, they will use anybody. This includes their bad family. The spouse will even start acting out the bad things from the family onto you. So marry, but be very careful who you marry. First, get God and Jesus into your life and obey. God will have it no other way.
(USA) I totally understand. My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years. After we married his parents divorced and we kind of got put in the middle and ended up living with my father-in-law so he wouldn’t have to sell their house. But because he is on a fixed income he couldn’t afford it on his own.
My husband talks to him mom about everything that he wants to and it has made her turn against me because instead of coming to his wife for his concerns about something he turns to her if he has a gripe about something I am doing he vents to her. She has never liked me because she wants to continue to baby him even though he is almost 40 years old. He always speaks negative things about me to her and his dad and they both show me no respect. I am not sure how to make him see what he is doing and am trying to find resources to show him that their are boundries that he is breaking and that I am suppose to come first as I always put him first. I hope someone out there cam help and I am praying about it and turning it over to God.
Christi, your letter is an example of one of the reasons why we put this section into our web site. We see so many couples who enter into marriage neglecting to “cut the apron strings” from leaving the emotional and physical dependency they had with their parents. Your eventual marriage should cause you to hand your dependency over to God, and to work through the process of cleaving to each other in marriage in ways that are healthy for all. If it isn’t done as it right, it will cause a lot of problems right from the start. If only you could see the letters we receive that back up what I am saying! It’s so sad!
It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your parents. And that should never stop. But you are entering into a covenant relationship with God and with the man you will be marrying. God and your husband will be the ones you will need to primarily cleave to after you marry. The dynamics of your relationship needs to change between you and your parents as far as how much you share with them. You still share the love, but be careful of what else you share that could hurt your relationship with your husband and your marriage.
Beginning on your wedding day, your primary allegiance will be with God and your husband — with your parents coming in behind both of them. (And if you have children in the future, it would be God first, your spouse, your children, and then your parents and extended family.) You are leaving one family dynamic and entering into another.
It would be a very good thing for you and your fiance to read every article, quote and testimony we have posted on our web site dealing with parents and in laws BEFORE you marry, and to talk together about what you feel the Lord is saying to your hearts about your families. You both need to come up with some type of plan together on how you are going to transition from being in two separate family situations to build your own family –cleaving together in healthy ways, and yet trying not to unnecessarily hurt your parents. There may be some hurt feelings in the beginning, but prayerfully, if you work this out compassionately, you will be able to “leave and cleave” in ways that will be much better for all concerned than if you didn’t approach it this way.
And then after you marry, we have some good Newlywed articles to read and resources that we recommend, that would be good to work through. You want to make sure that you build a good foundation right from the start and establish a strong bond as husband and wife, with your parents being your cheerleaders from the outside looking in. It’s ok to ask their advice, but be careful of what you ask and tell them so they aren’t as prone to try to be intrusive. Your marriage will start the dawning of a new relationship between you and your parents. Be as wise and discerning and careful –yet as loving as it is possible, and I believe you will eventually be glad you handled it this way.
(USA) Where can I purchase a CD of Becoming One: Gods Blue Prints for Marriage?
If you look directly under the article, you’ll see the explanation we give to credit its originality. It can be obtained through the ministry of Family Life Today. We even provide a link to their web site for your convenience. If you read through our directions, you’ll see that the above article contains quotes from several days of the broadcast programs. Days 3-6 are the ones that more directly address this subject (which we gleaned from for this article). However, the entire series is very good. Their web site will direct you how to obtain the CD’s. I hope this helps!
(SOUTH AFRICA) Dear Geramy, When I got married I used to listen to and do everything my mother in law said and suggested, thinking I was being a good daughter in law. About three years later I discovered that I was miserable. But I couldn’t tell her, so I started by just saying no (kindly) to her suggestions and hinting that I could think and make my own decisions. Now five years later she never imposes her ideas on me because I changed one thing at a time. Good luck and don’t forget to pray about it as well.
(SOUTH AFRICA) My situation is similar to Christi’s. The difference is that I’ve got a father that acts as if I’m his wife. Everything I do, has to go through him first, and if it’s a decision that involves my fiance and myself, he gets really upset with me, because I haven’t involved him in my decisions, and it really makes things unpleasant, as I’m still living with them.We have a 3 year old daughter, and he also makes all the decisions when it comes to her. Basically I don’t have control over my own life, and even less, over hers.He calls me all the time when I’m a bit late, questions my whereabouts, and this is really putting strain on my relationship. The other thing is, as I’m the only daughter and I’ve basically lived my entire life for him, he tries his best to come between my fiance and I, and I can’t seem to let go of the hold he has on me.Don’t get me wrong, he did a really good job by the way raised me, but I just can’t take it anymore!
(USA) Please answer my question. It is in regard to my son, who is in his third marriage and has a son by this marriage. She has complete charge over my son. She doesn’t want to let us keep or see our grandchild.
I have tried to talk to him about the Bible, and what the Bible requests of him, as far as his responsibility towards his parents. I hope I am not wrong. But I wanted to know which comes first, the wife or the parents, in regards to seeing the grandchild. He believes it is his wife — that she is right in saying that she is supposed to be honored, instead of us, as far listening to us about our right to see our grand son and keeping his son occasionally. So please answer me back in this regard.
We want to see him so bad but she doesn’t want this. I think he is scared of her of leaving him, because he has been married 3 times. If it was up to him, we could see our grandchild, but she is the one standing in the way. She is the ruler of the house, but any way, please pray for us in this matter. Rebecca.
(AUSTRALIA) Hi Rebecca, The Bible says that a child is to honour their parents. When a child becomes an adult, this does not necessarily mean obey. In Genesis it says that a man must leave (emotionally, financially) his parents and cleave (bond to without room for separation) to his wife. Your spouse has to come first. As with your relationship to your husband, your loyalty and commitment are to your husband before your children (this is what the Bible emphasises). Then everything is in the correct order.
The best thing to do is not fight for a power struggle (which you should not do anyway) but rather communicate your feelings in a loving and non-confrontational way. Show that you are not wanting to win a battle, but rather just spend time with your grandchild. You cannot demand this, it is not your right – it is not your child. But you can work on the relationship with your daughter-in-law and perhaps this may open the door to seeing your grandchild. Hope this helps.
(UNITED STATES) Does the Bible say to put your spouse before your children? If so, does it matter the age of the child or does it mean from birth?
(USA) Oh, this article is on the money. Unfortunately for me, 23 years has been spent on a husband who has thrown me and our children under the bus for not only his parents, but his whole family of origin. Every MIL situation I have had, insults, trouble-making — all for my husband to side with his family. He travels and has used this to even stay away, all because his parents have talked him into it. He refuses counseling, and I have filed for a divorce. Our children resent his parents and family and resent him due to his parents "rights" and treatment of me.
Oh well, one thing is for sure, I will never get married again.
(USA) Help! I just don’t know what to do. This article helped somewhat as far as letting me know the wrong I have done in my marriage of 17 years but how do I convince my husband? Long story short- we have three children two of which are teenagers. My oldest is spoiled by my husbands parents while the other has always been treated as if she didn’t exist by them. This has always caused conflict between my husband and I as he has never confronted the situation with his parents. Nothing I say has ever mattered.
We have lived right beside his parents, in their home (they live in our smaller home, we are supposed to buy their house) for most of the time we have been together. His parents influence our kids in many ways. When I try to talk to my husband about it, he just gets upset that I have said anything about his parents. I feel like he would rather defend them in any situation rather than try to work something out. I have told him how unhappy I am living beside them, having my kids influenced and treated the way they are but nothing ever changes.
Oh yea, my husband is a pastor and very religious but seems to not know what is biblically correct for a marriage to work. He also has a brother who is not living a Godly life. We do not agree with his lifestyle and since he got out of prison – he ended up living with us for a couple of weeks which I disagreed with but my husband never said a word -he could have stayed with his parents but we always seem to have to pick up the pieces for his family.
I seldom spend time with my family; they will not come over to my house for anything when invited because they are treated badly by my husbands mother who won’t even speak to them. I love my husband. I just don’t know what to do to convince him our marriage is in trouble. Please help!
(UNITED STATES) Kate, I feel your pain. My wife is the one in our relationship who refuses to “leave” her parents and cleave to me. She is from Arkansas (4 hours away), but moved to Louisiana to be with me when we got married. She has told me she has regretted that move every day of the 7+ years we’ve been married. She also told me when we got married that she would go “wherever I went.” She has also angrily said she wishes she had never made that comment. She clings to her family too much in my opinion. She always sides with her family over me, her husband.
It hurts very much and we have been to counseling. On three separate occasions, she has been told that she needs to distance herself from her family. This only angers her and she now refuses to go to counseling. This has been ongoing for 7+ years and her father, who is also a pastor, has told me that she will never be happy until I move her home.
Situation is this, I have a great job that allows her to stay at home with our three children. I have looked for work in Arkansas (close to her family) but there are no jobs available that will sustain our family of 5, without her working… which she also doesn’t want to do. I told her father, more or less, to stay out of our business. I am the head of my household, and I will do what is best for my “family,” not just my wife. I am not moving her to Arkansas to struggle just so she can be closer to her family.
She periodically takes the kids, against my wishes, for week-long visits to see her parents and sister. It breaks my heart to have MY family gone for an entire week while I work and come home to an empty house. I have told her that I would concede to a 3-4 day visit every now and then, but since she quit her job she is going a week at a time and often calls me to ask if she can stay a day longer. She gets angry if I say no. I get angry that she has the audacity to ask.
At Christmas time she told me she did not want to go home with me… rather stay with her family in Arkansas. I told her to do what she needed to do, but that I would fight her tooth and nail for the kids, as neither they nor myself deserved this. She eventually came home with me. Things got better for a while, but now she is going home more often.
As if things could not get worse, the relationship I have with my in-laws is strained. They consider me “controlling.” Prior to marriage, my wife had accumulated a pretty significant amount of debt. I worked hard for two years to pay that debt off, at the expense of upsetting my wife who had many bad spending habits, as does her family. My wife and I argued for months about why she couldn’t buy shoes or clothes, as I explained to her that we were still paying off shoes and clothes that she no longer wore.
Needless to say, my in-laws would come to visit and want to go shopping or out to eat. Many times I had to step in and tell them that we could not afford to do so. My mother-in-law had the audacity to say in front of me, “Pris, you make your own money. Spend it however you like.” To that I told her that she was out of line and was free to go home. Of course, rather than siding with me, my wife was instantly infuriated and told me I had no right to speak to her mother like that, rather than telling her mother the same.
My wife has established a precedent in her family that they trump me when it comes to decision making. Everyone in her family knows it and they abuse it. I love my wife and desperately want my marriage to work, but I cannot continue on like this forever. This was not God’s design for marriage. Any suggestions would be helpful and appreciated.
(USA) David, I am going through a similar situation, and my fiance and I have found a solution through a prayerful and chaste courtship.
It is difficult to give him my full support and submission when I have thoughts, feelings, and opinions of my own. Also I want to support the thoughts, feelings, and opinions of my parents (particularly my father). In spite of these influences and desires, my fiance has won me over time and again.
The pattern goes like this: He allows me to make a decision. My FIRST decision is in his best interest. After sitting on it for a while, I change my mind. What about what I want? Shouldn’t he be taking me into consideration? Why is he allowing me to serve him? Shouldn’t he be serving me? I want to serve my own interests.
But I never get to renig on my FIRST decision because he holds me accountable for every decision that I make. The reason I have so much respect for him is because he sticks to the decisions that he makes. Of course, life is not cut out perfectly and we have to be flexible. However, when it comes to big decisions, we make them and we live with the consequences, whatever they are. If we realize we are making a bad decision after the decision was made, then we learn from it instead of trying to get out of dodge.
Like I said before, my FIRST decision is in his best interest. It is not until I have to actually “put my money where my mouth is” that I get weak and want to do things MY way. At this point, it is too late. He holds me to my FIRST decision by not letting me change my mind. And I respect him enough to stick to it too because he sticks to the decisions that he makes. He leads by example.
Make a decision, and follow through. Make a decision, and follow through. Make a decision, and follow through. The only way to lead is by example.
(USA) In my marriage of 20 years, this is the best information I have found. How come we are not brought up knowing this? Between prayer and diligently seeking Christ to open our eyes to the way he ordained a marriage, we now enjoy the oneness in our marriage. God is awesome! I ordered the book Powerful Personalities and could not put it down. The book is helping me to understand why people act the way they do and what behavior is safe and what is unsafe based on Biblical principles. May God Bless you for helping so many people.
(USA) This information, along with prayer and the willingness to have an open mind, has changed me forever. I use to be manipulated by my family of origin, and didn’t realize it. But, because of my loving wife who did not give up on me, and My Lord Jesus Christ, we now have a love and life that we both enjoy.
Let there be no mistake about it, if you do not love your wife as Christ loves the church, then you may be in jeopardy of losing the one you vowed to love until "death do you part." I know, we almost got a divorce over this! Now I can detect manipulation and know how to respond. Thank you for your information, it is priceless.
(CANADA) Dear Cindy, I have recently gotten married and I’m on the brink of a nervous break down. My husband wants us to buy a home to leave with his parents. I have vowed to love this man until death do us part but this situation is tearing me apart. I have tried to explain to him what the Bible calls us to do since we are both Christians but he refuses to hear any of it claiming that his parents are too old, that it is his duty as the only son to care for them. I just don’t know what to do. Please help, thanks!
(USA) Hi Sam, I’m so sorry that you are in such a difficult place in your marriage where you are in such distress. It sure is difficult to “cleave” together — especially when we don’t always see eye-to-eye! This is a really difficult place to be in because you are so divided on what you feel his “duty” is as an only son. I would have a tendency to see if you can instead build an addition onto your home as a parent’s apartment, but I don’t know all of the surrounding circumstances.
This is one of those examples where a simple answer really can’t be given. You need someone to give you good counsel who could talk with you back and forth a few times and try to help you to come up with a good compromise, if that is able to be reached. Since you said your husband is a Christian, I can see where he is torn on this. He wants to care for his extended family, and yet he has his wife’s needs to consider as well.
If you don’t have someone near you that can meet with you (and preferably meet with you and your husband), then go into the “Marriage Counseling” section of this web site. There is the ministry of Focus on the Family, which has a great arm of it’s ministry located in Canada. If you go into the “Links and Resource Descriptions” part of that section, you will find a link to their web site. I’m sure that if they can’t help you, they can recommend someone who can. I know that the directors even have a television program. Perhaps you could have them deal with a problem such as yours… I don’t know. But it’s worth a try.
Whatever you do, work to apply Philippians 4:4-13. God can help you as you put your cares upon Him by consistently praying. As we’re told in James 1:2-8, we can know that God will give wisdom generously when we ask. It sounds like you need great wisdom. Somehow, I’m sure you can work this problem out with your husband as you keep approaching him and the problem prayerfully. Hopefully good counsel will be available as well.
I pray God will help you in every way that you need it and that you will not destroy your relationship over a “problem.” God is bigger than our problems… please never forget that. Attack the problem, not each other. God will help you.
(USA) This is a magnificent article. I only wish I had it before marrying my ex and father of my four children. Many times the controlling parents create dependant children then marry them off to keep them close, but relieve some financial burden. I have been married to two passive men–yes I had a choice, but was already this far along before I figured out what was going on. Then when the spouse, who the parents consciously or subconsciously previously approved of because he looked controllable leaves or acts irresponsibly, they blame me. All the while they are controlling my children the same way they controlled me.
Do you cleave to a spouse who is deemed not a provider? I have been told “You cannot cleave to that man, he will not take care of you like we do.” Then the husband is seen as a villan. I am unable to support myself, but have a college degree. My children are young and I rely on my parents for help. You would think that they would not leave if the parents were not there waiting in the wings. I know how to cleave and realize the one who I am married to is not who he said he was. Is this a valid marriage if he has left the home? He is not paying bills. He says he loves me but not my kids. He has cleaving issues as well with his ex and his folks.
(US) Very insightful article. Through nearly 30 years of marriage, his family (parents and sisters) have continued to “draw him in.” Since he must keep everyone happy, he has not even realized that he is still “with them.” Marriage counseling has begun, but not sure where to begin to help him recognize and deal with this issue. Tough after so much time and such spiritual development.
(RSA) We’ve only been married for year and a half and my husband is still extremely emotionally attached to his father. We are both in our mid 30’s. His father is emotionally abusive to his mother and to him. He has tried to abuse me as well, but since I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 6 years before I met my husband, I know the ‘tricks of the trade’ so to speak and don’t allow him to abuse me. My husband is still searching for recognition (he has been for his whole life) but has never received it. His father is extremely controlling and will call him up to 15 times a day (no, I am not joking!!) asking what he is doing, telling what he should be doing. Most of the time he will tell him how stupid he is in making such and such a decision, degrading him, shouting and using abusive language.
I tolerated this, up to 3 months ago and then I told his father that I don’t want to see or speak to him again. This was after he shouted and screamed at me for something that had absolutely nothing to do with me. I was just in close range to serve as a target for his frustration. I still see my father-in-law, although I vowed not to. I do this because of my husband, but as soon as he is abusive I walk away. My husband cannot stand up to his father and this is very frustrating. His father ALWAYS comes first. Even if we are intimate, which has become very rare, and his father calls, he would take the call and leave me. I also feel that I am being shut out and I am the last person to be told important info.
My husband is a good person, but this is taking a toll on our marriage. So much so that I am considering leaving him. We both lived overseas for a few years and our relationship was thriving, we moved back to our home country to get married and raise a family. We are living very close to his parents and very far from my family and friends. I feel very alone since I am always doing things by myself while he is with his parents. (we live on a farm, so that makes socializing with other people difficult) I don’t feel that I can refer to me and my husband as ‘us’ or ‘we’ since it is me and them.
The other night we had a discussion about this, with is also extremely rare, and he said that he don’t want to upset the family structure. But what about our ‘family’. My husband is a pleaser, he is always trying to keep everyone happy, except when it comes to me, or our marriage.
Most nights I am alone at home till late at night, because he is with his dad. His dad is extremely good at manipulating my husband to do exactly what he wants him to do. Can someone please give me advise?????