The following are some quotes on the issue of leaving parents (on the husband and wife’s part) to cleave to your spouse. They come from a radio interview. It is part of an eight part radio interview series, which was put together by the ministry of Family Life Today. It is titled, “Becoming One: God’s Blueprints for Marriage.” Dennis Rainey and Bob Lepine are the hosts.
In the parts of the interviews that we will be sharing, Dennis Rainey lays the groundwork with the following scriptures:
For this cause, a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh, and the man and his wife were both naked, and they were not ashamed. (Genesis 2:24-25)
In the beginning part of this interview Bob Lepine makes the following statement:
I was reading recently in Dr. Dan Allender’s book, “Intimate Allies,” and he made the statement that, in his experience, he could trace 90% of marital discord back to a failure to leave.
Concerning Leaving Parents, Dennis replies:
“Most couples don’t think they’ve failed to leave. Yet if they could see what is trailing behind them as they walk out the church, they’d see ‘apron strings’ still tied to a man and a woman by their parents. These are people who love and care about them, but simply don’t know how to let them leave. It’s awkward because there is a new union formed there. This is a new relationship that is an entity, and it’s supposed to be. It’s supposed to be a couple who are one, who are in the process of forging a marriage relationship.
“I was reading in Tim Kimmel’s book, ‘Powerful Personalities,’ describing different personality types and how different people try to control others through aggressive or passive behavior and how we can manipulate each other. A young couple that is really not prepared properly to establish this new marriage relationship —if they’re not careful, will be controlled by either his or her parents or find themselves in between two sets of parents trying to establish this relationship. The word ‘leave’ from the biblical text means to ‘forsake dependence upon.’ It means to turn your allegiance away from your parents toward your spouse.
“We do that in such a way that honors our parents but that sends a clear signal that this is a new relationship that must be established. Sometimes parents don’t realize that this command in Genesis 2: 24 is as much a command to the parents as it is to the couple who are getting married. It’s the wise parents that can understand the dynamics that a young couple is under as they try to forge the identity of a new marriage in the midst of two competing families.”
More so, on Leaving Parents, Dennis commented:
“It’s hard to turn your back on the emotional giving, sharing, and development that you’ve poured into this daughter or this son’s life to encourage them to leave. It doesn’t mean you lose the relationship, though. It means, in essence, you get one back that’s different, that has different parameters. You shouldn’t be controlling them as a young adult, anyway.
“A lot of parents need to realize you need to let your son or daughter grow up. Let them become a mature adult and relate to them more as a peer and less as a child. But some of our parents simply can’t get beyond that. In some situations, we represent the only real relationship that our parents have. They don’t have a vital marriage, and the only real relationships they have are with their children. For that reason, they simply can’t or won’t allow them to leave.”
Here’s another important point Dennis made on Leaving Parents:
“There are three areas you can run a test on to see how you’ve done in leaving your father and mother. The first is emotional. Have you left your parents’ emotional control of your life? Are you still looking to them for support, for encouragement, and for their approval?
“I remember, in my immaturity as a young man, sharing with my mom a mistake that Barbara had made in our marriage. It was a minor mistake. Barbara had hurt me, but I shared it with my mom, and it was as though I had shared this grievous error, because my mother came running over to me. And although she didn’t say these words verbally, what I felt was, ‘I knew that she couldn’t be the woman that you really needed as my son.'”
A Valuable Lesson on Leaving Parents
“I was almost 25 years old, so she had 24 years practice caring for me as her son. But what she was doing was rushing in to care for me. And in future conversations with my mom, the mistake that Barbara made would be brought up by her. I learned a valuable lesson. Be careful, as a couple, what you share with your parents of how your spouse has disappointed or hurt you. Your parents don’t have near the grace to give your spouse that you have. You’re their son or their daughter that they will naturally move to protect. They’ve been trained to do that for years.
“I don’t condemn my mom for her protective instincts. I just recognize that they’re there. But I realized at that point I couldn’t share those disappointments with my mom. It would simply play to a weakness in her life. As a result, it would set Barbara up to be a failure in my mom’s eyes.”
Here’s Another Point Dennis made on Leaving Parents:
“If your parents are trying to manipulate you emotionally, what you have to do is ask your spouse to help you get beyond this. Build some boundaries around your lives, around the holidays. Determine how long you’re going to go and when you’re going to go. Also determine whose house you’re going to go to for that first Christmas or that second Christmas or successive Christmases. Use the marriage relationship that God has given you to protect one another from being manipulated or being taken advantage of or from emotionally being clobbered by parents.
“Your spouse ought to be that person you cleave to and depend upon to really help you get free of your parents and establish your own identity as a couple.”
Dennis talks about financial decisions made apart from parents (which is quite wise) but then he goes onto “decision-making.” It’s another aspect of leaving parents, which is important.
Dennis makes the point:
“This could include the spiritual dimension of life as well —just getting advice from parents. Parents need to give advice. I think we need to go back to them for counsel and for wisdom. But the decision needs to be yours as a couple. You need to share the weight of that decision praying together and making your decision as a couple.
“That doesn’t mean you wouldn’t do what they say. It just means that you can’t give them power over your lives…”
Here are a few additional thoughts Dennis shares that are very important:
“I’ve got three quick thoughts for you as you evaluate as a couple what you’ve done in leaving your father and mother. First of all, I’d encourage you to discuss, as a couple, have you left? Each of you —have you left emotionally, financially, and for direction or decision-making? Secondly, if you’ve got some problems there, I encourage you to pray together, as a couple, for a solution. And, third, honor your parents but take action. Set a course for your marriage and take control of the future by making decisions that will create health and spiritual vitality in your marriage.”
And then, here are a few quotes that we want to particularly point out from the radio program, “Leaving Part 2.”
In this interview, Dennis Rainey is asked what a couple should do if the parents don’t want their grown “children” to leave.
To this he replied:
“You can’t make that decision for your parents. You can’t force them to let you leave. All you can do is leave. Leave your need for approval from them and turn to your spouse and let that person be the one that you cleave to and commit to, to experience approval and appreciation and encouragement that God intended in the marriage relationship.
“Many times I’ve used the illustration of the husband having a set of blueprints and the wife having a set of blueprints, and the problem when their blueprints only overlap at points. If a husband and a wife both have the same set of blueprints, and they’re both coming at their marriage relationship from the Scripture, they’re going to be building their marriage as God designed it.
We’re Told in the Bible Concerning Leaving Parents
“Genesis, chapter 2 gives us the panoramic view of the marriage relationship from God’s perspective. In verses 24 and 25 He says, ‘For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked, and they were not ashamed.'”
“I believe every marital problem can be traced to a failure to leave, a failure to cleave, or a failure to really cultivate that oneness of flesh. If we understand these blueprints in the Book of Genesis, it will help us, as a couple, have our marriage set in the right direction.”
Later in the interview Dennis Rainey refers to Genesis 2:24 again and explains why God wants the couple to “leave” their parents.
He said:
“God wants a man and a woman to become one. It’s the marriage relationship that causes him to leave his father and his mother. The word ‘leave’ here means to ‘forsake dependence upon.’ It means we no longer look to our parents for approval, support, or for encouragement. We leave one sphere of influence and move to another sphere of influence.”
In this interview, Bob Lepine asks Dennis how this couple can prepare their parents. Is there anything they can do before the wedding to prepare them on the issue of leaving parents in priority?
To this Dennis replied:
“They are in an enviable position of being able to establish the leaving to occur in the right way. They can begin to spend time with their parents and let them know that although they’re leaving them to establish this new union. Both of them are still are going to be their son or daughter, and they want a relationship. But they can send signals to the parents to let them know that their allegiance is switching. It’s established that they’re going to be committed to this new person that they’re making a covenant within the marriage ceremony.
“Parents need their sons and daughters to help them in this process. It’s difficult. Emotionally, parents don’t want to give up the investment that’s taken place over 18 or more years. It’s the wise person who can understand those dynamics. Maybe they can even talk about it with their mom or dad. Let them know that you know it may be a struggle.
Sad, But True Concerning Leaving Parents and Others
“It may be that the son or daughter is the only real relationship they have. They may not have any other relationships. They may be in a dead marriage. It’s possible, they may not be alive spiritually. They may not be plugged into a good church where they have their relationship needs met by other Christians. And so for them to say goodbye to a son or daughter who is getting married, is to cut themselves off from a living hope. It’s at that point that we need to give our parents a gift of compassion. It’s the gift of looking at your parents through the eyes of Christ. How can I so minister to them and encourage them that it will make this process of leaving palatable for all concerned?”
Bob asked Dennis:
“Let’s assume that the wedding has already taken place, and it’s 5 years into the marriage, and couples are beginning to look at one another saying, “Is this an issue for us? Maybe we haven’t done a good job of establishing our leaving from our parents.”
To that, Dennis replied:
“I think the process really begins when you realize that you haven’t left, and you haven’t done it properly. If you recognize that that’s true, then at that point you can begin to take some steps that will breathe some health into your own marriage but also into your relationship with your parents.
Some Parents Have a Hard Time Accepting This
“…Yes, there are certain parents who are manipulators, who are controllers, and they have such a pattern of controlling that they simply can’t allow their child to leave. I was reading in Tim Kimmel’s book, ‘Powerful Personalities,’ about three kinds of personality types. One is the aggressive controlling type; a second kind is a passive manipulator, and a third one is a combination of the two —a passive-aggressive controller. Tim really does a great job of explaining how you can have your life controlled by another person. But he explains how you can break free from that control.
“The first step in dealing with this as a married couple is beginning by honoring your parents. I think any leaving of your parents can be difficult. It could be done at the wedding ceremony for a couple who’s getting married where you honor the parents during the ceremony. Or it could be a married couple who have been married five years, 10 years, or more. There are ways to leave your mother and father and still bring honor to them.”
All of this gives you a preview of some important points concerning biblically leaving, cleaving, and “becoming one.”
I GREATLY encourage you to listen to or read the rest of the interviews. Please prayerfully consider what is said here because the advice given is golden. It’s very scriptural and wise concerning the important principle of leaving parents and family. You can do so by going to the Family Today web site. Ask for the 2-part series titled, “Becoming One: God’s Blueprints for Marriage” at Familylife.com.
— ALSO —
The following Family Life Today article is written by Mary May Larmoyeux. In it, she gives “ten ideas for dealing with a wife who won’t leave or cleave”:
• MARRIED TO DADDY’S LITTLE GIRL
Concerning leaving parents and extended family after marriage, here’s some good advice to prayerfully consider:
“When you married and established a new home, you departed from your old ways. You didn’t leave your first home in terms of love or communication. But you did leave in terms of authority and priority. The most important human relationship now is the one you have with your husband or wife. More than that, your marriage is a living, breathing institution with a life of its own. It’s a covenant that is a symbol of God’s love for the church, His body of believers in Jesus Christ.” (Dr Randy Carlson)
Filed under: Dealing with In Laws & Parents
(USA) My problem is that @ the time my boyfriend and I live with my mom. She is ill and has no husband and lives on SSI. My boyfriend wants me to leave her, move out, and get married but I just can’t abandon my mom. She won’t make it on her own! Plus she does not interfere at all with my relationship with him. We have our own room and all. I want to get married and have children. I am already 34 yrs old. What would be the right thing to do?
(US) What would you say to a young lady who broke off her engagement to her fiance because he got a job in a city that was miles away from her parents, with whom at age 28 she still lived?
(USA) Hi Allie, I’d say that the fiance, as confused and broken-hearted as he must be, is blessed in the long-run that they didn’t marry. There would be a continual tug and push dynamic going on in their relationship if they did so. It doesn’t sound like this young lady is ready to leave from being emotionally dependent upon her parents, to being married (and emotionally and physically cleave) to a husband in partnership for life. Thank God this happened BEFORE the wedding rather than afterward. We’ve seen this happen many, many times, and it makes it MUCH more difficult on so many levels.
To the young lady, what CAN you say? If she’s not ready to leave her parents to marry a man, to be HIS partner and cleave to him primarily instead of her parents, then she’s not ready for marriage. She is ultimately doing a potential husband a favor by not marrying him. That’s not something you can TALK her into doing; it is a heart and soul and commitment issue. Marriage is for those who are willing to make the lifelong sacrifices it takes to cleave together with God in a covenant relationship. If a person isn’t ready or isn’t the type to enter this level of commitment with someone, then they aren’t. It just is what it is. If so, then it’s best for them NOT to marry… now or maybe ever.
(U.S.A.) My fiance and I are both orphans in that both our parents are passed away – but we are experiencing a simular problem with friends instead of mothers and fathers. Friends and siblings do not want to “let us go” and that can be just a bad as parents not wantling to let go in many ways it seems.
One friend in particular just will not stop emailing and chatting with me and she has done some very bad things to my fiance too, like physically hurting her and hurting her emotionally – I finally have cut her off completely and will not talk with her again. As the scriptures say – I am going to CLEVE to my wife! Others can just go their own way and leave us alone.
This “friend’ that has hurt my fiance who just recently converted to Christianity and had begged for forgiveness for what she had done in the past. I have told her that GOD forgives her. But I think that my fiance will have a very difficult time forgiving her after what this woman did. I cannot blame her. She had my fiance thrown into prison on a false drug charge -this “friend” planted the drugs in my finance’s bags. My fiance was beaten and caught malaria and then she had my fiance kidnapped and dragged off to a room where she was slapped around.
Now the complication is that GOD, through me, has saved this woman and I do not want to do anything that might cause her upset in her Christian infancy. But my fiance comes first and when we marry then NOBODY will come before my wife – except GOD of course.
So, it doesn’t have to be just parents – it can be others too. As a man my WIFE will come FIRST in my earthly life – ONLY GOD will rank higher. We will become as ONE – together in every way forever!!!
(USA) I need to know if it says anywhere in the Bible, that we are supposed to financially support our parents when we move out. We have been supporting our family and their household as well. They use a guilt trip to tell my husband that it is his place to support them because he is the oldest… Please give me some advice on this situation. They live on a fixed income and right now my husband is the only one working in our family because I have been laid off due to the economy. We really need to know what to do about this situation. We have been supporting them on and off for the past 4 yrs and it’s getting harder and harder to support ourselves. Does it say anywhere that he is responsible for his parents? Please Help!!!!!!!!!!
(USA) Hi Angie, You have a big problem on your hands, no doubt. Unfortunately, this seems to be the age of entitlement where some people seem to think they are “entitled” to help rather than working to remedy the situation themselves or lower their expectations to be more realistic. This seems to be what is happening with your husband’s parents.
Because this problem has been fed for 4 years now by doling out money to them (even though your intentions were noble), they have come to expect it and are overlooking your ability to continue. Their selfism has been fed to the point that they are now blinded to reality. Sadly, there is no easy solution.
From what I read in the Bible, there is nothing in there that says that parents are entitled to be financially supported by their married “kids.” There is scripture in 1 Timothy 5:8 that says, “If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”
But this pertains to widows and those who have NO means of supporting themselves. And in cases where help is needed, it does not mean that they can ask for more than what is absolutely necessary. If the parents have the ability to find some type of work and get supplemental income elsewhere, that would be best. 2 Thessalonians 2 warns against idleness and we’re told in verse 10, “If a man will not work, he shall not eat.” This applies to them as well as to anyone else. Older does not mean that they can’t find ways to make things work differently.
By giving to them when you are not able to afford it, when they could be working themselves, aren’t you neglecting your “immediate family” (which is you and your husband) and denying “the faith?” And aren’t you contributing to their “idleness” and causing them to be dependent upon that which they have no right?
These are difficult issues to deal with. I hope you can find an advisor to help you think and pray and work through these issues. You have some tough decisions to make — ones where someone, either you and your husband, or your in-laws, or both will feel they have been “wronged” in some way as you decide what to do. You may need an advisor to help you figure out what is best to do and then will help you to be strong in following through with it.
The book, “Boundaries” comes to mind as a good one to read through and implement. Your in-laws are stepping all over your marriage relationship with their demands. They don’t have that right. You and your husband need to exhibit tough love to be able to survive this. And sadly, you may lose your relationship with your in-laws, at least for a while after you figure out and implement the boundaries you need to set down that you cannot allow them to cross over.
As difficult as this will be, because you are 4 years into perpetuating this behavior, it will continue to grow even more difficult and may do irreparable damage if you stay on the path you are on. Seek help to grow wise and strong in what you should do, and stay the course, if the road gets rough, which it will. If you do, you MAY be able to eventually bring some type of peace into this situation. If not, you will at least know that you did the right thing. Tough love is never easy to apply. How I pray for the best for you! “May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5)
(USA) Very interesting stuff… I am curious though, my daughter just got married to a young man who states that “He was raised to believe” that the husband is supposed to support the family. He is supposed to be the head of his household, and that they (although financially not even an option for them at this time) must move out as soon as possible because the Bible says to “Leave your mother and father” (mind you, he is not religious and does not outwardly practice being a Christian so I am not truly sure where he stands).
Now I have NO problem with them moving out when they can afford it, but there IS an issue with me about not understanding that it means the “Reliance upon” financially, emotionally, etc. IF they wanted to stay and pay rent and continue to stay with us, I have NO issue with THAT either. My wife and I have been married almost 21 years now, and we also have a large home with property, and they have the ability to live separately from us if they wished. It MAY be very good for all of us if they did move out, but my concern is if it is done TOO quickly they are extremely likely to fail, which will require us to bail them out, and possibly put us into the position of financially helping them out, or them moving back in, where if they wait until it makes more sense financially they are more likely to succeed on their own (IF they actually needed to leave our property in the first place).
It costs less to support more people at our place than it does to pay rent to someone else on their behalf. He has much growing up to do relationally also, which I am trying to deal with very patiently, but it is difficult when he demands respect he has not earned yet.
I guess mostly I am saying that many families have more than one generation living in the same place, so “leaving your parents” does NOT necessarily mean moving away from them, but CAN require that if the other dependency issues cannot be resolved (financial, emotional, etc.). I doubt that those would be an issue in our home, but I am willing to accept that it could be, I do think he needs to slow down a little and figure some things out first, since it feels like he is trying to force more separation by putting things in the gap rather than just taking on his responsibilities and keeping our relationship clear also.
(CANADA) Thank you soo much for this article and following comments and discussions from all those who commented. I am newly married and glad I got this info now as opposed to years down the line. I can clearly see and understand some of the issues raised and my husband and I discussed them. Thank God Almighty who knows what is right for us and I pray for those hurting and stressed by meddling parents and friends. May God guide you through all your issues. In Jesus name, Amen
(ENGLAND) I’ve been searching for help for an emotional problem I’ve been despairing about over the past few years. This is it: my husband and I decided to emigrate to Canada a few years back – and since that decision I have changed my mind several times about whether I can actually leave my friends and family behind here in England. We have two young sons. I have gradually come to realise that, hard as it will be, I will be able to learn to deal with leaving everyone, apart from mum and dad ….. I realise that I am emotionally attached to them in such a way that making this decision to leave them (a different kind of leaving to the other discussions I know) is becoming a mental torture to me!
On the one hand, I want to go on this exciting life changing journey and embrace whatever the future holds for us and our children. On the other hand, I can’t bear to be apart from my parents as they age, maybe get sick and not being there to care for them. I have two other siblings and my parents are financially secure and healthy. I know they do not want us to go and would miss us and the grandchildren enormously. Would I be so wrong to leave them and live so very far away from them? Will I always feel so guilty and conflicted? Any wise words from anyone would be such a help!
(PHILIPPINES) I’ve been searching for counseling, advice and emotional help with my husband whom I married for almost 1 year and a half now. I have never thought that he was so coward to face his role as a father and a husband to me. Whenever we have some decisions, he would seek advice from his parents and siblings, not to me. The bad thing is that, even when we have arguments, he then tells them about my actions, and so the thing gets worse, until they even thought that I’m the villain here. I have never had bad intentions to hurt him, all I wanted is for him to change for the better.
One example is that, he doesn’t want me to know everywhere he goes, he keeps it secret, until I found out that he had an affair. We argue a lot about this. Now, the trust I have with him lessened and though I forgive him, the scar is still there. It’s very hard to please my husband. He was not responsible enough to be sorry for his actions when he had an affair before to everybody, my parents, especially to me. What should I do with him? Please and pray for me, that God will change him for the better.
(USA) This article really struck a cord with me. My husband & I are going through some severe struggles with his mother right now & are at a loss of what to do. My mother-in-laws issues are a long story. Her marriage to my husband’s father ended because he couldn’t take her extreme devotion to her own family. She insisted on them spending all holidays with HER family. She had to call her mother on the phone multiple times a day. She had to visit her parents daily. She refused to move more than a 1/2 mile from her parents home. I guess you could say my mother-in-law is the extreme anti-leaver/cleaver. Eventually my father-in-law couldn’t take it anymore. He missed spending time with his own family and mother-in-law wasn’t the least bit willing to compromise, so they divorced. And 30+ years later the same behavior is creating a major strain on my marriage to her son. The situation gets worse every year.
Example: She’s always difficult on the holidays because she just can’t handle being one of three families (my parents, father-in-law, her) that we need to make time for. A year ago we had our first child and since then things have gotten extremely worse. When the time came to plan our holiday schedule this year our conversation with her was fine – for about 3 full minutes – then she insulted me for no reason whatsoever. She threw the same insult my way 3 days later, then insulted my husband (her son) on top of it. A few days after Christmas she called & blasted us for not spending enough money on gifts for her parents.
My husband & I are a united front in these situations, so that’s not the problem. The problem is that there’ve been too many of these situations over the years. We both feel like we mentally cannot process much more of this drama. So I’ve avoided her ever since. My husband has tried calling her to smooth things over, but its only resulted in more arguments.
I am heartbroken to have this kind of relationship with one of our parents. Totally heartbroken. I never in my wildest dreams imagined myself in the middle of such dysfunction. And we have no idea what to do next. Reasoning with her, communicating boundaries and trying to bring her expectations within reason has not worked in the 6 years we’ve been married. We don’t know what to do so lately we’ve done nothing. Help.
(USA) Jane, I completely identify with you. It took some time and prayer but after 6 years of marriage my husband and I are coming together on this issue. My mother in law says that she is a Christian but she is married and on dating websites. She also talks to other men in church about her marriage problems and they do the same. They actually have entertained being intimate. She has done this with more then one man. I have always honored her but I have asked her questions about what her husband would think about her behavior. She justifies it by saying that there is nothing wrong with having friendships.
She has even gone as far as to sign my husband up for a dating website and trying to get him to go out with other women. When my husband refuses she manipulates him by telling him that I am controlling him from having other friends. My husband has given her what God’s word says and what our pastor has said. She is now putting a new twist on things saying that we are in a cult. We go to an Assembly of God church. That’s not a cult but she’s spinning it that way saying that our pastor is encouraging him to not have friendships. Our pastor is just encouraging him to not have friendships with any women besides his wife (me).
In the very recent past I have found out that my husband’s step father (married to my mil) is very abusive. Which explains a lot. We have invited them down to our house but refuse to put our children in an abusive environment. They have refused to come down but twist it and say we are withholding our children from them. We have tried to reason with them, honor them and love them. Sadly there idea of honor is to do whatever they say. His mother has even gone as far as to say that God allowed our first baby to die because God wanted my husband to leave me.
I am so hurt. My mother is just as bad. My mom calls and completely drains me of all my emotions and my time. I have tried to put limits on our conversations but if I cut the conversation short she calls back like 10 or even 20 times. I have just let voice mail pick up and she has just released all her anxiousness over 5 or 6 voicemails. I feel bad for my mom because she needs to have someone to talk to but after 30 years of dealing with it I just can’t take it anymore. It drained me so bad that our pastor encouraged my husband to finally have the number changed. I just couldn’t function because of it. It completely breaks my heart. We would love nothing more then to have a relationship with our parents. It would mean so much to us but we see that our relationship with our parents would be at the expense of our marriage.
The only problem that we are having now is trying to get over all the hurtful things that they have done. We love them and I believe that I have forgiven them but now that they have seen that we are a united front they are now trying to manipulate other. We have to be so careful about where we go or who we even talk to. We can’t even tell you how many times others have approached us about this issue and how many times we have to feel like we have to defend ourselves. It drains us. It drains us emotionally, mentally and even drains our time. We have spent so much time discussing this issue that it has taken us away from our children, our church, and even our time with the Lord. My question to anybody on here would be how do we deal with this. We feel we are doing everything we can but our mom’s are not accepting us leaving and cleaving or even respecting us. We feel like they will always be trying to beat us down until we surrender to what they want….divorce each other and take care of them. How can we move forward? Thanks for listening. God Bless.
(ANGUILLA) This is by far the BEST I have seen on the subject. Why don’t people come right out and say stuff like this? Everyone wants to be diplomatic about it; trying to use all kinds of psychology so everyone can come out satisfied. That simply cannot happen some times and I would venture to say Most times. The break needs to be made when two people get married. If the parents are upset and threaten to ‘disown’ then so be it. one’s commitment to his or her spouse should not be conditional based on how the parents react.
Thanks for a Great article. I will definitely keep this for future reference.
(USA) Thank you for this wonderful resource! I am so thankful that you are identifying this problem for those of us who didn’t know what we were up against. I am delaying with this now. My husband of two years was raised in a highly abusive, alchoholic household and had to be the responsible one for so long to his brothers. We met while we were stationed overseas together and family was not around. Now that we are stationed in the U.S., and expecting our first baby, it is becoming more and more clear to me how his bad experiences with his mother are affecting our marriage.
As I have started to embrace my role as a new mother I feel so much resistance to my vision of raising a Godly family. The apathetic approach he takes to our family life is hurtful and makes me doubt his commitment to me and our baby. My husband is very defensive of his past and is always making excuses for his family, or saying that it wasn’t that bad. But the habits he is forming now are lining up more and more with his family experience and less with biblical child rearing. He has said that he is afraid I will not allow our daughter to have a relationship with his family, and as much as I have compromised, I will not compromise my daughters physical or emotional safety.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Please, can you tell me where I can find some more info/articles/etc. on the financial leaving of parents? My husband has been working for his father for the last 2 years (we’ve been married 2 years), so his father pays his salary and other extras (kind of “as part of his salary”), but we often run into financial difficulties, because of the fact that I do not have a stable income and my husband is used to a high standard of living, so he often buys things that we do not really need (I feel that I would rather do without MANY things than being dependent on his parents).
Then he thinks it is okay to ask his parents for money in order to cover our shortages. His parents are quite controlling and manipulative to start with, so this gives them even more ‘control’ over us and makes it extremely difficult to say ‘no’ to things, because the financial dependency makes us feel obligated to do certain things in order to please them, even though we don’t like it (otherwise we feel like we are only ‘using’ them for their money and they will be able to say “we help you in so may ways and now you don’t want to do this for us”).
To make things worse, his mother often insists on taking me on shopping sprees and then buys me clothes and expensive perfumes, etc. and I don’t even like to shop with someone -not even friends. I have often said no or thought up excuses in order not to go along, but she doesn’t get the hint and continues to ask me “When are we going shopping again?”. Often, she just buys a lot of groceries and sends it home with my husband (his father’s business is at my in-laws’ home).
Although we do appreciate it, it often includes a lot of things that we don’t need or use and then it goes to waste. My husband has, at some time, asked her to stop buying us groceries because a lot of it goes to waste, but she just ignores his request and still continues to do so, so now he just accepts it, because he feels like it is no use arguing with her.
I can go on and on, but all in all this is just one extremely sticky situation. My husband and I are both Christians who try our best to live according to the Bible, but I don’t think he understands the importance of leaving in ALL aspects, especially financially. It would be great if I can give him some stuff to read on this. What can you recommend??
(INDONESIA) I am in similar situation as Jacomine. I would like to obtain more readings as well on financial leaving of parents. My husband has been working for his father for more than 3 years now and his father is very controlling. The worse thing is that my husband is so scared of his father and is doing everything he tells him to do. So his father is controlling me as well. And my husband is quite comfortable with this situation. He is not a fighter, he is a good follower, father’s follower not wife unfortunately. And he gets very sensitive everytime i want to discuss this issue. Please help. Thank you.
(US) My husband and I counsel many young married couples. We are finding these past few years that it seems more and more women’s/wive’s parents are the ones being very controlling. It seems often that we are hearing that they communicate many “reasonable” ideas as to why the daughter and son in law should live near them, work with people they deem wise, etc. It seems the idea of leave and cleave only applies to the husband. The thing that is disturbing is it seems to be coming through Christian families.
(USA) I realize just how much of a problem I have with seeking approval from my mother. They gave me an acre right next to them and I built a house. I have 2 children involved now that are close their grandparents but I feel so controlled by them. I just got remarried and now all of a sudden it is like they don’t think he is “enough” or good enough for me. I love my husband and he is really good to me and my children. I feel trapped living next door and feel that I cannot sell my house.