The following are some quotes on the issue of leaving parents (on the husband and wife’s part) to cleave to your spouse. They come from a radio interview. It is part of an eight part radio interview series, which was put together by the ministry of Family Life Today. It is titled, “Becoming One: God’s Blueprints for Marriage.” Dennis Rainey and Bob Lepine are the hosts.
In the parts of the interviews that we will be sharing, Dennis Rainey lays the groundwork with the following scriptures:
For this cause, a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh, and the man and his wife were both naked, and they were not ashamed. (Genesis 2:24-25)
In the beginning part of this interview Bob Lepine makes the following statement:
I was reading recently in Dr. Dan Allender’s book, “Intimate Allies,” and he made the statement that, in his experience, he could trace 90% of marital discord back to a failure to leave.
Concerning Leaving Parents, Dennis replies:
“Most couples don’t think they’ve failed to leave. Yet if they could see what is trailing behind them as they walk out the church, they’d see ‘apron strings’ still tied to a man and a woman by their parents. These are people who love and care about them, but simply don’t know how to let them leave. It’s awkward because there is a new union formed there. This is a new relationship that is an entity, and it’s supposed to be. It’s supposed to be a couple who are one, who are in the process of forging a marriage relationship.
“I was reading in Tim Kimmel’s book, ‘Powerful Personalities,’ describing different personality types and how different people try to control others through aggressive or passive behavior and how we can manipulate each other. A young couple that is really not prepared properly to establish this new marriage relationship —if they’re not careful, will be controlled by either his or her parents or find themselves in between two sets of parents trying to establish this relationship. The word ‘leave’ from the biblical text means to ‘forsake dependence upon.’ It means to turn your allegiance away from your parents toward your spouse.
“We do that in such a way that honors our parents but that sends a clear signal that this is a new relationship that must be established. Sometimes parents don’t realize that this command in Genesis 2: 24 is as much a command to the parents as it is to the couple who are getting married. It’s the wise parents that can understand the dynamics that a young couple is under as they try to forge the identity of a new marriage in the midst of two competing families.”
More so, on Leaving Parents, Dennis commented:
“It’s hard to turn your back on the emotional giving, sharing, and development that you’ve poured into this daughter or this son’s life to encourage them to leave. It doesn’t mean you lose the relationship, though. It means, in essence, you get one back that’s different, that has different parameters. You shouldn’t be controlling them as a young adult, anyway.
“A lot of parents need to realize you need to let your son or daughter grow up. Let them become a mature adult and relate to them more as a peer and less as a child. But some of our parents simply can’t get beyond that. In some situations, we represent the only real relationship that our parents have. They don’t have a vital marriage, and the only real relationships they have are with their children. For that reason, they simply can’t or won’t allow them to leave.”
Here’s another important point Dennis made on Leaving Parents:
“There are three areas you can run a test on to see how you’ve done in leaving your father and mother. The first is emotional. Have you left your parents’ emotional control of your life? Are you still looking to them for support, for encouragement, and for their approval?
“I remember, in my immaturity as a young man, sharing with my mom a mistake that Barbara had made in our marriage. It was a minor mistake. Barbara had hurt me, but I shared it with my mom, and it was as though I had shared this grievous error, because my mother came running over to me. And although she didn’t say these words verbally, what I felt was, ‘I knew that she couldn’t be the woman that you really needed as my son.'”
A Valuable Lesson on Leaving Parents
“I was almost 25 years old, so she had 24 years practice caring for me as her son. But what she was doing was rushing in to care for me. And in future conversations with my mom, the mistake that Barbara made would be brought up by her. I learned a valuable lesson. Be careful, as a couple, what you share with your parents of how your spouse has disappointed or hurt you. Your parents don’t have near the grace to give your spouse that you have. You’re their son or their daughter that they will naturally move to protect. They’ve been trained to do that for years.
“I don’t condemn my mom for her protective instincts. I just recognize that they’re there. But I realized at that point I couldn’t share those disappointments with my mom. It would simply play to a weakness in her life. As a result, it would set Barbara up to be a failure in my mom’s eyes.”
Here’s Another Point Dennis made on Leaving Parents:
“If your parents are trying to manipulate you emotionally, what you have to do is ask your spouse to help you get beyond this. Build some boundaries around your lives, around the holidays. Determine how long you’re going to go and when you’re going to go. Also determine whose house you’re going to go to for that first Christmas or that second Christmas or successive Christmases. Use the marriage relationship that God has given you to protect one another from being manipulated or being taken advantage of or from emotionally being clobbered by parents.
“Your spouse ought to be that person you cleave to and depend upon to really help you get free of your parents and establish your own identity as a couple.”
Dennis talks about financial decisions made apart from parents (which is quite wise) but then he goes onto “decision-making.” It’s another aspect of leaving parents, which is important.
Dennis makes the point:
“This could include the spiritual dimension of life as well —just getting advice from parents. Parents need to give advice. I think we need to go back to them for counsel and for wisdom. But the decision needs to be yours as a couple. You need to share the weight of that decision praying together and making your decision as a couple.
“That doesn’t mean you wouldn’t do what they say. It just means that you can’t give them power over your lives…”
Here are a few additional thoughts Dennis shares that are very important:
“I’ve got three quick thoughts for you as you evaluate as a couple what you’ve done in leaving your father and mother. First of all, I’d encourage you to discuss, as a couple, have you left? Each of you —have you left emotionally, financially, and for direction or decision-making? Secondly, if you’ve got some problems there, I encourage you to pray together, as a couple, for a solution. And, third, honor your parents but take action. Set a course for your marriage and take control of the future by making decisions that will create health and spiritual vitality in your marriage.”
And then, here are a few quotes that we want to particularly point out from the radio program, “Leaving Part 2.”
In this interview, Dennis Rainey is asked what a couple should do if the parents don’t want their grown “children” to leave.
To this he replied:
“You can’t make that decision for your parents. You can’t force them to let you leave. All you can do is leave. Leave your need for approval from them and turn to your spouse and let that person be the one that you cleave to and commit to, to experience approval and appreciation and encouragement that God intended in the marriage relationship.
“Many times I’ve used the illustration of the husband having a set of blueprints and the wife having a set of blueprints, and the problem when their blueprints only overlap at points. If a husband and a wife both have the same set of blueprints, and they’re both coming at their marriage relationship from the Scripture, they’re going to be building their marriage as God designed it.
We’re Told in the Bible Concerning Leaving Parents
“Genesis, chapter 2 gives us the panoramic view of the marriage relationship from God’s perspective. In verses 24 and 25 He says, ‘For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked, and they were not ashamed.'”
“I believe every marital problem can be traced to a failure to leave, a failure to cleave, or a failure to really cultivate that oneness of flesh. If we understand these blueprints in the Book of Genesis, it will help us, as a couple, have our marriage set in the right direction.”
Later in the interview Dennis Rainey refers to Genesis 2:24 again and explains why God wants the couple to “leave” their parents.
He said:
“God wants a man and a woman to become one. It’s the marriage relationship that causes him to leave his father and his mother. The word ‘leave’ here means to ‘forsake dependence upon.’ It means we no longer look to our parents for approval, support, or for encouragement. We leave one sphere of influence and move to another sphere of influence.”
In this interview, Bob Lepine asks Dennis how this couple can prepare their parents. Is there anything they can do before the wedding to prepare them on the issue of leaving parents in priority?
To this Dennis replied:
“They are in an enviable position of being able to establish the leaving to occur in the right way. They can begin to spend time with their parents and let them know that although they’re leaving them to establish this new union. Both of them are still are going to be their son or daughter, and they want a relationship. But they can send signals to the parents to let them know that their allegiance is switching. It’s established that they’re going to be committed to this new person that they’re making a covenant within the marriage ceremony.
“Parents need their sons and daughters to help them in this process. It’s difficult. Emotionally, parents don’t want to give up the investment that’s taken place over 18 or more years. It’s the wise person who can understand those dynamics. Maybe they can even talk about it with their mom or dad. Let them know that you know it may be a struggle.
Sad, But True Concerning Leaving Parents and Others
“It may be that the son or daughter is the only real relationship they have. They may not have any other relationships. They may be in a dead marriage. It’s possible, they may not be alive spiritually. They may not be plugged into a good church where they have their relationship needs met by other Christians. And so for them to say goodbye to a son or daughter who is getting married, is to cut themselves off from a living hope. It’s at that point that we need to give our parents a gift of compassion. It’s the gift of looking at your parents through the eyes of Christ. How can I so minister to them and encourage them that it will make this process of leaving palatable for all concerned?”
Bob asked Dennis:
“Let’s assume that the wedding has already taken place, and it’s 5 years into the marriage, and couples are beginning to look at one another saying, “Is this an issue for us? Maybe we haven’t done a good job of establishing our leaving from our parents.”
To that, Dennis replied:
“I think the process really begins when you realize that you haven’t left, and you haven’t done it properly. If you recognize that that’s true, then at that point you can begin to take some steps that will breathe some health into your own marriage but also into your relationship with your parents.
Some Parents Have a Hard Time Accepting This
“…Yes, there are certain parents who are manipulators, who are controllers, and they have such a pattern of controlling that they simply can’t allow their child to leave. I was reading in Tim Kimmel’s book, ‘Powerful Personalities,’ about three kinds of personality types. One is the aggressive controlling type; a second kind is a passive manipulator, and a third one is a combination of the two —a passive-aggressive controller. Tim really does a great job of explaining how you can have your life controlled by another person. But he explains how you can break free from that control.
“The first step in dealing with this as a married couple is beginning by honoring your parents. I think any leaving of your parents can be difficult. It could be done at the wedding ceremony for a couple who’s getting married where you honor the parents during the ceremony. Or it could be a married couple who have been married five years, 10 years, or more. There are ways to leave your mother and father and still bring honor to them.”
All of this gives you a preview of some important points concerning biblically leaving, cleaving, and “becoming one.”
I GREATLY encourage you to listen to or read the rest of the interviews. Please prayerfully consider what is said here because the advice given is golden. It’s very scriptural and wise concerning the important principle of leaving parents and family. You can do so by going to the Family Today web site. Ask for the 2-part series titled, “Becoming One: God’s Blueprints for Marriage” at Familylife.com.
— ALSO —
The following Family Life Today article is written by Mary May Larmoyeux. In it, she gives “ten ideas for dealing with a wife who won’t leave or cleave”:
• MARRIED TO DADDY’S LITTLE GIRL
Concerning leaving parents and extended family after marriage, here’s some good advice to prayerfully consider:
“When you married and established a new home, you departed from your old ways. You didn’t leave your first home in terms of love or communication. But you did leave in terms of authority and priority. The most important human relationship now is the one you have with your husband or wife. More than that, your marriage is a living, breathing institution with a life of its own. It’s a covenant that is a symbol of God’s love for the church, His body of believers in Jesus Christ.” (Dr Randy Carlson)
Filed under: Dealing with In Laws & Parents
(USA) My situation is the opposite of most here. My son in law does not support my daughter and their baby the way he should. He currently does not have a job. He quit his job because he was the youngest and got stuck doing the hard work… so he says. He went to work for a mowing company but now the company lost a big contract so he is out of work and he is not looking for a job. He was considered a sub contractor and he cannot draw unemployment so there is no money coming in.
This happened about a month ago. It is like he is on vacation. He does a little job, makes him a little money, then goes out of town fishing with his buddies and leaves my daughter and his baby at home. He hardly owns anything because when he gets short on money he sells anything he owns just to get by. There is hardly anything left to sell and I am sure a car payment and car insurance will be due soon. My husband will bail them out, once again. Their car was repoed once and we paid to get it back so they would have something to drive and we have paid to have their power turned back on. (His mom always bailed him out in the past… now my husband!)
He does just enough to make my husband think he is trying. This makes me furious because nobody will stand up to him and make him grow up and be the husband and father my daughter needs. I try, but nobody backs me up. (This is also putting a strain on my marriage.) Our daughter is a stay at home mom. I told her I would hate for her to have to go to work, but somebody has to pay their bills. They live in a mobile home that we own and they don’t even have to pay rent. (I wonder if this is why he stays… a free place for him to live.)
He is 25, I doubt he will change. He was raised in church, he is smart, he is just lazy and all about him. He always has friends all around him… he is all about fishing, playing softball and hanging out with his friends… they come first. My daughter acts afraid to confront him. What do I do?
(FLORIDA) Hello, I wanted to talk to you, because I feel that I can’t talk to anyone, besides God. I am having a marital problem with my spouse. We argue about his parents, about his mom moving in with us, and he gets mad at me and calls me names, when I don’t want to do this for him, (meaning his mom).
I love him, and don’t want to lose him, but it’s not easy! Everything is about his parents. I feel I am kicked aside, and it’s not easy to tell him how I feel, because he gets offended and angry, when I tell him about his mom. I love her but not the things she does, like getting involved in our relationship, and my spouse telling his mom everything. Please help. Thank you.
(USA) Pamela, Do your husband and his mom claim to be “Christians?” In other words, do either or both of them have a personal relationship with God through Jesus Christ? And what about you? You say you pray, but is your relationship more than a religious thing, or deeper? I ask this, not to judge anyone, but because it would make a difference in the approach anyone might take in responding to your comment.
(RSA) Why doesn’t the Bible say anything about a wife, where she must leave her parents and be cleaved to the husband? This makes me feel uncomfortable because it’s supposed to be balanced.
(USA) Because it is pretty much understood.
Well, your wording “she must leave” is a little misleading, since it sounds like she is being asked to leave her parents, and is expected to obey. Not so! This misconception comes from the Roman-Western culture. In the original Biblical-Israelite culture a woman is TAKEN.
There’s no term for “marriage” in the original Biblical Hebrew langauge. For example, see Deuteronomy Chapter 24. The man TAKES, TAKES, TAKES. The woman is TAKEN, TAKEN, TAKEN. It’s not the two people “getting married” of the Western world. It’s the man starting a family with the woman by TAKING her (from her parents). He TAKES the woman (to HIS house), and they are having a family. Hence it’s obvious to the Biblical writer that a married woman does not anymore belong to her parents. Since she was TAKEN by her man.
Now, in Genesis 2:24 the Biblical writer also says that a man should also leave his own parents and cleave unto his woman.
(GUINEA) How can I tell whether the man I am married to, by way of a church ceremony, but without us really sitting down to discuss what we are going into, is really my husband?
(USA) I have a few questions and I’m hoping you could answer them please.
My brother is married to a very controlling wife and they have three children five & under. We love her alot but we tend to butt heads. She recentcly sent this article to my parents and had my brother sign it. I understand the seperating from the parents but she has severed our entire family from them.
For example our moms birthday was a couple weeks ago, the only thing she wanted for her birthday was for the entire family to get together to go bowling and eat some pizza. My sister in-law wouldn’t let my brother come over or even call just to tell my mom happy birthday. He was finally allowed to stop by to drop off a birthday card only when we wern’t home.
She talks about how they need to have there own family time so they don’t come to family gatherings, this includes ALL the holidays. Yet she does so much with her side of the family. This has been going on for the last 6 years and is only getting worse. It’s the last drip in our cup and we just don’t know what to do. I could go on for hours literally just giving you examples but I’m just going to leave it at this.
If you have any advice we would greatly appreciate it.
Please and Thank you!
Rebekah I truly undrestand your situation having a sister who was just in a simallar situation. (though she was not married.)
Unfortunatly for you there is nothing you can personaly do outside of prayer, other then give Them the room they ask for. But at the same time always be ready to be there for them if and when they would like it.
God tells us to leave our Mother and Father and become one with our spouse. Once this happens the hold/bond a mother or father held is null and void, the same hold/bond the parents once had is given to the spouse.
Therefor when there is a misunderstanding like this, you may express your concerns but also respect thier desires. You must understand that eventhough things were not this way untill your brother was married, it is still his choice, and it should be respected as such.
Weither you or he see’s it He is as as much a decision maker in this choice as she is and was. Now this does not mean to holld spite at either, but that you are going to have to go out of your way (through love) if you do not care for the status quo. For example, if you wish to spend more time with them you show the inititive and ask if you can come over, or give them frequent phone calls just to find out how things are going. Hopefully you can come up with some ideas of your own.
I understand that this may not be the answer your looking for, but at the same time, this may help build a relationship you would never have expected. Never cut God short, He never seems short of surprizes.
Most of all Rebekah, when you pray for your Brother and his Wife, pray asking for God’s will to be done and not that of your own. Also pray that you would be content with the way God answers.
I hope this helps you a little, I will keep you and your situation in my prayers.
I understand this may not be the path you want to walk but never be afraid to walk down the path God has made.
(USA) I find my in-laws trying to control us. My husband is still their son, but they believe as parents they have the right to be the authority… They think that God appointed them as his head all his life. It annoys me. They have criticized me for wearing t-shirts, jeans, and certain dresses. They have not let go of him. They think I am a great daughter in law, but they fail to understand or realize what they are doing to my marriage. It is frustrating to not fully be one with my husband.
We now have a baby girl, and they have an opinion about how to raise her (not that they have ever raised a girl). They do not have the right to tell their son to do or that, or to say he will lose his blessing if he cannot honor them, do they? We have kept our distance, we no longer see them outside of church related activities (usually 2 times a year)… so it helps, but they still call constantly. Not sure what to do!
(AUSTRALIA) When I read your email, I felt like I was reading my own story. My husband and I have similar problems but he would not admit he did not leave and cleave. Life is really not easy with this man I love. His heart and mind cannot leave his family and the family has been manipulating him but made him think that I am controlling.
He wants me to allow him to be with his family anytime and he wants me to listen to him to obey his family.
My husband is very selfish. He would not be happy if my family has the same demand as his family but he expects me to respect him and listen to him happily to please his family and spend time with them who always thinks I am the culprit of everything.
(USA) Hi, I got married a year ago, and moved away from my parents to live with my husband, in another state. My husband’s family lives next door to our house, and they helped my husband buy the house. He believes it’s his duty to provide for his parents when they get old and take care of them, and made it clear we are not moving away from them, and it’s my responsibility to help him take care of them.
When I say anything about taking care of my parents, he disagrees and says a female must do as a husband says. She is to follow. I did not know his strong opinions before getting married. I always wanted our children to grow up somewhere else in the country, not in the city, and although it’s a nice house, it’s good for start only, too small for a family.
We make enough to afford a nice, big family house, but won’t move because of his strong tie to his parents. He has three sisters who live nearby and don’t help his parents. The parents are doing good right now, no problems as all, very independant. He will support them financially, and physically when needed in the future. I feel I left everything, and I married him, and he is putting his parents first, before me, my wishes for the future, and our future children.
His parents also expect him to stay there and help them. I’m tired of this, and strongly believe he needs to leave them, biblically, in order for our marriage to work. Please help. I don’t mind his parents, but want OUR family back as a separate entity. Talking about it with him doesn’t help. He just gets offended and we argue.
(UNITED STATES) God is good… ALL THE TIME! I am fasting and praying for my marriage relationship, looking for God’s answer; not my husband’s or mine. I’ve been asking God for guidance, not from my friends, in-laws, family… but through others where they don’t know my situation and I will be touched and inspired by them! This is what I have received this morning and am planning to continue reading more interesting topics to reach my life (spiritually/physically).
(SOUTH AFRICA) I have been married for five years now and I have been staying with my mother all this time. I had a miscarriage and from that time, she moved in with us. The problem is I cannot let her go now. She is taking care of our three year old daughter. Each time I suggest she goes, she becomes very sad to the extent of not talking to me at times. My husband has suggested that she moves out as well, because my relationship with her is damaging our marriage. What must I do? Please help me. I have been praying about it for a long time and it seems my mother will not accept it that she needs to leave.
(UNITED STATES) I have been married to my second for almost 6 years. We lived 1 hour from our family the first year and a half of our relationship. We married in December and in May my father in law died. He wasn’t a very good father or role model of a father, so when my husband wasn’t the best dad to my children or his, I gave him a chance and tried to help him learn how.
The issue at hand is that when his step dad died we moved onto his mother’s property, into a mobile home she put the down payment on and we have made payments since. We didn’t ask her to do this. She needed my husband to take care of her farm. I quit a wonderful job and moved with my husband and ever since he has had a control issue. If he gets mad, I have to move; this is his, and his mom’s. His mother bought him a 15,000 dollar truck, paid all of his bills off, put his name on everything she owns, except the land.
Everytime he gets mad at me, he runs to her and tells her I am psycho. At times I am, I won’t deny this. I feel I have to be. She always sides with him and tells me to leave, even when he is dead wrong. I have begged him, lets move and he says we can’t afford to, because I am in school. I told him I would get a job. I just quit work to attend school full time, so that one day my kids will have a future without struggling. I recently found out she had her will changed so that when she dies, my husband can live on the land but when he dies, his brothers and daughter get everything, including our home, I have helped pay for. I asked him to move and he says No. What on earth can I do to get him off his momma’s hip?
(USA) My husband and I have been married almost 7 months now and have been together a total of 3 years. I have been blessed with the most amazing in-laws. I have just one issue and that is with my father in-law. He is such an awesome dad and he is so accepting of me as part of the family, but he cannot seem to let go of his son aka my husband. They have 4 children and my husband and his dad are really close. Before we even started dating he and his dad did EVERYTHING together, fishing, hunting, sports, ya know father son stuff, it was constant which is fine, but his dad got used to that and now cannot separate that he is married and isn’t single anymore. And now that we are together his dad doesn’t want to let go.
I was my husband’s only long term relationship before we got married so his dad had never had to share his time. My husband travels on the road for work 5 days a week and on the weekends his dad is texting him constantly, asking when they are going to do this and do that and I totally understand missing him and having their “guy time”, but really, every weekend?
I should be my husband’s priority on the weekends since I don’t have him during the week to do the things married couples should get to do. If we are invited to his parents house and we aren’t there when his dad thinks we should be he calls, texts him 100 times has his older sister and nephew call him and text him and bugs him asking when we will be there.
I understand family time, but it is our turn to make a family and have them be a part of it but his dad needs to let go… it is weighing on my husband. He feels he has not enough time to divide between his family and me and everything else and he doesn’t want to hurt his dad’s feelings. I feel as though I should be at the top of my husband’s list for time especially since during the week I am neglected of his time (I understand he is providing for me and our future family and I respect him for that).
During pre-marital counseling our pastor even told us that on the weekends I should be my husband’s focus. His dad makes him feel guitly and it isn’t right. I don’t think his dad sees it. My mother in law is so understanding of the lack of time we get to spend together and she respects it and has tried to make her husband see but he still calls, texts, stops by, etc and it is driving me crazy.
I love his family but it is time to let that go and be my husband and a father someday. My husband sees it but doesn’t know how to approach the whole situation. He is stuck between a rock and a hard place… ANY ADVICE FOR US? I love and respect my father in law but I just wish he would not make my husband feel guilty when he doesn’t drop everything to tend to his needs.
(USA) I have a situation where my husband is the one who has manipulative parents but he doesn’t want to see it and for him I am the one that is wrong and selfish for thinking the way I do. Do you believe that by showing him this he will realize what I am trying to say?
(USA) My spouse and I have been married for almost 6 months, but together over a year. I came from a rough season in my life when he met me and moved me here with my 2 children. When I first moved, we lived with his parents in which are good, godly people. The whole time his mom was clingy and had to know every move we made and had to be in the middle of our business about everything. Now, we have our own place and it’s perfect for our family of 4.
A week ago his mom said they were going to try and buy the house that’s for sale next door to us. I of course, got mad and me and my husband both agreed that it was way too close for them to be. He said he had a talk with them, but I wasn’t around for that one. Now I find out today that they did buy the house. His mom is the type to call everytime we pull out of the driveway or a light in our house comes on.
What do I do because right now all I want to do is pack the kids up and go back where I am from? I want to move and wish they never would have found me. When I talk to him about it, he just gets mad and that makes me feel like he is on her side. I have prayed and lifted it to God, but something about it still doesn’t feel right and I know this marriage will not last with her next door. I am extremely hurt and I do not have any family I can go to. All I have is his family and she knows that and throws it in my face when I talk about going back for a while. I feel like we are losing our privacy and space from them. What do I do so I don’t end up leaving this marriage so he can have his mom?
(UNITED STATES) My husband and I don’t feel that we have interferred into our daughter’s marriage. We live 250 miles from them. We love our son-in-law and we have 5 grandchildren. We totally understand that a married couple must become one, but we feel that our daughter has taken this to the extent that we now have virtually no contact with them anymore unless we call them. Then we hope they will return our call.
We no longer get birthday cards or calls from them nor do we get any acknowledgement from them for our anniversary. We have been told we can no longer spend Thanksgiving with them and they will let us know every Christmas now if we are invited. We just received an email yesterday saying we can come up on the afternoon of Christmas day and stay for a couple of days. She never communicates personally, only through email.
We feel we had a good relationship with them about 10 years ago -when our first grandson was born. We were involved in their lives -visiting and getting to know our grandson. We tried not to give advice unless asked, and they have never asked for financial help from us, though they have taken a lot of financial help from my parents. When they did go through times of financial hardship (our son-in-law lost his job, then went back to school) we helped them out (without them asking) by sending money for groceries or gasoline. Again, they really didn’t ask for help, but we were very happy to help as much as we could at the time.
We do not believe that cleaving means severing all contact with your parents. I have had a very healthy adult relationship with my parents before they went Home to be with the Lord, and many times my husband’s family and my family got together at Thanksgiving or Christmas. Again, we do not understand that cleaving means severing all contact. In fact in the email we received yesterday, they said they had been praying and seeking counsel on this and we understand that, but does cleaving mean splintering a family and totally severing all ties with your parents? Did the Lord really mean that?
My husband and I are faithful Christians, when we did have contact with our grandchildren we tried to make sure we honored our daughter and son-in-laws wishes as far as what the children could watch on TV, what was ok for them to eat, etc. I am hurt by this, but both of us want to make sure we are right before the Lord and do not do anything to make the situation worse. Our door is always open to them for a visit, and we hope our grandchildren will remember us and that we love them very much. We feel the oldest one will (he is 15), but we are not sure about the youngest (who is 4).