Are you having trouble in your relationship with your mother in-law or daughter in-law? Join the club. It’s not at all unusual to find yourselves conflicting together in this complicated relationship.
“The mother-inlaw/daughter-inlaw relationship is one of the most complicated human connections. It comes with a built-in conflict before the relationship even begins: two radically different views of the same man. One woman always will see him first as a man. The other always will see him first as her child.
“Understanding these perspectives is the first step to having a smooth inlaw connection. However, as I began visiting with women who have successful relationships, I discovered they all shared an attitude that moves beyond this basic understanding. In each relationship, one of the women involved gave a “gift” to the other woman.”
The above statement was made by Elizabeth Graham (a pseudonym, covering her true identity). She wrote an insightful article featured on the Todayschristianwoman.com web site titled, “The Other Woman.”
Different dynamics in Families
We realize that every family has different dynamics going for it. There are also various cultural differences that can influence your relationship with this important member of the family. However, we encourage you to pray as you read the information given below. Try to be open to having God teach you what you can apply to help you in your family situation.
First off, below are a few additional tips that Elizabeth gives for you. Glean through them to see if there if anything she says that you can use.
Mother and Daughter-InLaw Tips:
“If just one woman takes the initiative to ‘set herself aside,’ whether she’s the mother-inlaw or daughter-inlaw, it will make a tremendous difference to them both. The truth is, setting aside our will doesn’t come easily. It feels like ‘giving in,’ and no one likes to do that. This is especially true when you’re convinced the other person’s wrong. But that’s exactly what Jesus did by dying on the cross for us when we were in the wrong.“
I realized that one of the gifts I could give my husband Steve, was to make the added effort to get along with his family. (His mom and Dad are no longer alive.) It’s also something I know God would have me do. Sometimes He wants me to “keep the peace” rather than clinging to my “rights.” Yes, sometimes I needed to give voice to my contrary opinions. But other times, I needed just to give grace and let it go. It’s a matter of prayer and determining what I’ve believed God would have me do.
Here’s something else to prayerfully consider that Elizabeth points out:
“‘The key thing to remember, is that your son has left you and joined with his wife. This is what he’s supposed to do. And anything you do to interfere with that process is against God’s will. No matter how hard this is, accepting this fact will pay off in the long run with your children and your grandchildren.”
Interfering in “Kids” Marriages
We have found this to be SO true in our relationship with each of our sons and each daughter-inlaw. Biblically, we don’t have the right to interfere with their marriages. We can offer our respectful opinions (if they are open to it). But once they said, “I do” to each other and to God, we are then assigned by God to take a backseat position in their lives. We are now to be supportive, encouraging family members in their lives, rather than ones who have any real authority.
It’s sometimes difficult to do this, particularly as it pertains to how they raise their children —our grandchildren. But it is the position we are to take. We are not allowed to “separate” in any way that, which “God has joined together.”
Below are a few more points Elizabeth makes that are important to note.
She Wrote:
“Unconditional love comes naturally between a parent and child. But such a foundation isn’t there between in-laws. What mildly irritates a daughter might deeply wound a daughter-inlaw. What only frustrates a mother can infuriate a mother-inlaw. Because unconditional love doesn’t naturally exist between inlaws, it’s a decision that must be made and then acted on daily. ‘Love your enemies,’ we’re instructed. This command crushes all our legitimate reasons for negative feelings toward an in-law. Regardless of those ‘feelings,’ we’re to act in love.”
And then:
“My favorite piece of advice in this area came from a woman who’d had a difficult relationship with her mother-inlaw. But she had a good relationship with her two daughters-inlaw. ‘Forget everything you know about your child,’ she told me. ‘Let your daughter-inlaw discover him on her own.’ In other words, no matter how wise you are or how valuable your advice might be, until it’s ready to be received, it’s worthless! Keep it to yourself until it’s asked for.”
You can read more of what Elizabeth Graham wrote in her Today’s Christian Woman article titled, “The Other Woman.” Just do a computer word search for the title and the author. You can read it in it’s entirety as it’s posted on the Internet.
Concerning Each Daughter-inlaw and Mother-inlaw:
“Lets face it, when two women who love the same man are thrown together, the results aren’t always pretty. Mother-inlaws can have trouble letting go of their sons. Daughter in-laws can struggle to embrace their husbands’ families. Mutual understanding and wise negotiations are required to help mother inlaws and daughter inlaws fuse healthy relationships with each other.” (Whitney Hopler)
In a Crosswalk.com article, Whitney goes on to give tips as as to “how you can get along with your mother-inlaw or daughter-inlaw.” This is an article linked to below, which you can read. Please ask God to give you the wisdom you need, to apply in your family relationship:
• BUILD POSITIVE RELATIONSHIPS WITH YOUR INLAWS
And then, below is another article that you might find insightful. As we apply these “ways” that God equips us, it’s easier to extend grace to our In Laws. God’s ways are always the best ways (even when it’s difficult to follow them). We hope this article gives you the insight you need into how to improve your relationship with your in-law:
• FOUR WAYS GOD EQUIPS US TO LOVE OUR IN-LAWS
Filed under: Dealing with In Laws & Parents
(SOUTH AFRICA) My mother in law is very manipulative and demanding she likes control. How do I handle this?
(INDIA) Lee-Ann: I feel more than happy when I find a daughter-in-law searching for ways to improve her relationship with her mother in law. In my case my wife was not so good as you but my mom was too good for her.
Anyways, regarding your problem, I think you must bring your husband into play. Convince him that you actually believe in a happy family living together. And then share some instances with him where you felt that your mother in law has treated you badly or not up to your expectations. But be cautious that you don’t fail to convince him that you are not complaining about her but that you actually want to live together with her since her expertise and experience and blessings could help both of you lead a happy family.
It’s not a job you alone can do. This will require a combined effort. Since your husband is her son hence he will better know her strengths and weaknesses. Together you have to strengthen her strength for good things and you will be required to become her strength in areas where she is weak. You will be required to give in efforts to make her your friend, at times you may feel angry and humiliated but then a little more effort will definitely prove to be fruitful.
I can forsee your envious neighbors when they see the MIL and the DIL walking together like friends. And one more thing, like winning battles needs your blood, so winning hearts may need your sacrifice and patience. Are you ready for it? God bless you.
(USA) How can a couple begin a marriage together when they live with the brides mom? It’s not necessary! Mom’s not senile or dying! (mom’s giving her the house) He’s 35, she’s 40; her second marriage; he had hopes… sure they’re both half grown, but they wanted to grow together. It was just a civil union – nothing religious, so much in common.
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Lee-Ann- You and your hubby must blend YOUR personalities, dreams, and decisions or it will not be YOUR marriage. Mom needs to make a productive life of her own; get her involved in an activity outside her home like a charity that NEEDS her.
(USA) Yes, a little late to find this post then to respond, but it really hit home for me so I’m replying to it. My soon to be MIL, shares a home with us. We moved in together so that we can better our finances, but more so for her than for us. I’m not sure how, but she managed to get into some debt so I offered to have all of us share a place. Long story short, the original plan of her staying for 2 years will not work. In addition to that, I found out what her salary is, and being a single woman, no car payment, and no credit cards, I’m having a hard time understanding what justifies her needing to stay longer than a year. Her rent is very low with us so she can save a good amount of money monthly. I’m trying to get my fiancé to understand my point of view without sounding like I’m attacking his mom or going back on my word. Reality is I bit off more than I can chew, but will still allow her to stay and save, I just can’t have it go beyond a year, which to me is more than fair. I don’t feel like this is MY home, but I feel like it’s also HER home. She has also mentioned buying things to decorate and new furniture, etc…I can’t figure out WHY she would even make those types of suggestions since the understanding is; her say is only TEMPORARY. My fiancé and I plan to stay in the house even after she moves. HELP!! Any suggestions on this??? I seriously lack tact sometimes when I’m bothered/upset.
(USA) Can’t wait to chat!
(USA) Our daughter-in-law just admitted to us that she has been having an affair for 3 months. She and our son have been married for 10 years, they have 3 children, and we are all a Christian family. She asked for forgiveness from her husband and us. It has been horrible to deal with but I truly forgave her because I felt she genuinally repented to God and also to us because she had lied to us many times. I would be even babysitting for her sometimes when she was with this other guy. I felt that I truly forgave.
Our son and her are going to counseling and are truly seeking Christian help to over come. But, just recently she confided in me that she sometimes still has feelings for this other man. I was shoked beyond belief. For 2 reasons, that she would tell ME this and that she truly had feeling about this other guy. I am angry, hurt, shocked. I don’t know how to feel any more. I told her today that she can no longer talk to me about her feelings. I was the mother of the son she cheated on.
She was then angry with me and said she thought she could tell me anything. I told her I could not hear those kind of things and she should only talk to her counselor. Now we have anger between us. Am I wrong? What should I do? I’m still trying to overcome the fact that she cheated on my son. She can out talk me. She can turn things around and make me look bad. I am hurt. I am sad. I am angry. BUT the bottom line is this… I want those 2 to work it out together for the sake of my 3 grandchildren. Help me. Connie
(USA) Hi, I hope your son and daughter in law worked thru their marriage. It is natural for you to be hurt by her acts. I think it is best when couples deal with infidelity where they do not use their parents for counsel. It makes it so much harder in the end to heal. It also hurts so much to hear the words she said to you.
I do understand that after an affair it takes time to quit having feeling for the other man. She still should not have shared that with you. It was very insensitive. Forgive her the best you can and be careful in the future how much of each other’s deep personal life you share. You son may forgive and forget easier than you. Best to you and your family.
(INDIA) Connie: You are in a very very fragile situation. In fact, there are very few MILs who are lucky to have the frankness and friendliness of their DILs, which you just lost. I could feel it from my heart after reading your lines, you’ve lost it. But then a lost war can always be won, and there is definitely a second time.
I don’t know how much effort it took to win the heart of your husband but it will take even more of effort to win the heart of your DIL. I am not aware of the situation right now but I feel that you must meet her and make her your friend rather than your daughter. Make confessions, since she is also human and being human yourself you must understand about getting carried away, which young women now a days may face being in long relationships as well.
Discuss things with your son; be a friend to him as well. But don’t get him into the play. Learn more about your DIL from him as friends do. And then try to win back her confidence and friendship. You will be required to keep in mind that your DIL is very immature and has no clue of her future that way. If you are actually willing to re-build your home the way you wanted to, then you will have to take the pain.
With due respect to your age, you are very much like my mother. I appreciate the affection you have towards your son and it’s most likely that any mother would behave the same but then you are required to forget the hard words of your daughter-in-law and win her over since your motive is your son’s happiness and indeed your family’s happiness. All the best MOM.
You must be one of those wonderful people that make people feel safe to confide in; someone who seems nonjudgmental and invites trust. My very wise mother once told me not to confide in her every time I fought with my husband. I would get over it but it would stay in her mind and fester. Find a friend to confide in, not your MIL.
Your mother really was wise. That is great advice. Keep the info concerning your spouse positive, and find a safe person to confide in –someone who is marriage friendly and isn’t one who readily will give the advice for you to “cut loose and move on,” which all too many people will give that advice. You can say that there is some tension or things aren’t going too great, but don’t go into details about your grievances against your spouse. Your mom gave wise advice.
(INDIA) Since it is the woman who builds a new family, she has to leave her parents after marriage. As long as she is with her parents, she cannot dedicate herself completely to her family by any means. When a woman leaves her parents after marriage, she builds a new family and makes her husband as the head. This is the greatness of woman in the human family system.
If she leaves her parents, then she completely tries to rely on her husband. She expects the same amount of love and affection from her husband and as well as from her parents-in-law. If her mother teaches her good and bad, her mom-in-law teaches how to construct her family. So both are a good teachers for a woman. She can build her house if she treats her parents-in-law equal to her parents. After marriage her membership is transfered from her mom’s family to her mom-in-law’s family, there by she becomes a member of her mom-in-law’s family by replacing her maiden name with her husband’s family name. However the difficulties of mom-in-law is known only when a son is born. There is a popular saying that a wise woman builds her house, but the foolish uproots it. This tradition sustains the proper family system. THE FACT IS – IF WOMEN ARE BUILDERS OF A FAMILY, MEN ARE PROTECTORS OF FAMILY.
(INDIA) That is the man’s point of view – love your mom, love my mom, keep me out of this ;)
This is a very chauvinistic viewpoint. Marriage is a covenant between a man and a woman, not between a Mother in law and a daughter in law. Patriachy has conveniently allowed men go be free and place all the responsibility on the woman but marriage is an equal relationships nship in which both man and women have to invest. The roles men and women play may be different but to dump all responsibility on the woman and give her a great woman title is surely not biblical IMO.
(INDIA) I agree with Ash -this is the man’s viewpoint, and chauvinistic, to say the least. “A woman must LEAVE her mother’s family and dedicate herself completely to the new family” – this is true for both man and woman. Both man and woman must leave their former families and start a new one. The man cannot hold on to mommy dearest while expecting his wife to “transfer her membership to her mom-in-law’s family”.
A marriage is between the man and woman, not between the “mom-in-law’s family” and the new wife. Your post is asking all sacrifices from the woman, and the reward given to her is empty words – “woman is the builder of the family” and supposedly appreciating “her greatness”. The truth is that BOTH wife AND husband are “builders of the family”. While I agree that the husband is the head of the new family, it certainly does not mean his parental family is superior and sort of ‘owns’ his wife as is the case in several eastern cultures like mine. Women have been harassed for centuries with this faulty, male-centered philosophy.
(INDIA) There has to be adjustment from both sides. A DIL cannot keep compromising all the time. When a girl comes to a new family she needs to be loved and it is the in law’s duty to make her feel at home. LOVE has got a lot of strength. It is thru LOVE that one can win a woman’s heart. She should be given the feeling of equal rights like all other family members. A lot of advice is not required. These days no one is married as a child. A girl spends a good amount of time at her parent’s house before marriage. She has her own principles etc. Now if she is expected to change herself in every way to adjust to the new family it is incorrect. Acceptance should be there from both sides and LIVE AND LET LIVE policy is the best.
(USA) Thank you for that wisdom Dipti. Many on this forum have ideas that are unfair and one-sided. Sometimes, women allow such unfair practices and doctrines to stand. But, we must realize is that men have as great a responsibility as the wife to builded up his family. It is not about the woman doing all the work to build the relationship.
The woman can’t do it all. The man must shoulder some of the hard work.
(USA) commented on Should I Date While I Am Separated from My Spouse?:” Anne, the first question should be are you wanting to work things out or do you want to be free again? If you want to work things out, you don’t date. If I was the one you were separated from I would use your actions to decide mine. Please think hard on it because unless you are in a hurting relationship now, most likely the other guy will not be better in time so why do it? I was separated from my wife once for six weeks and did not go looking for something else. We were married then for four years. We got back together and now are happy and married thirty three years. The separation showed us what we were missing.
(USA) Adding to Michaels comments. If you are “working on it”, it means you are doing things to close the gap between you and your spouse (draw closer) and fix issues. You may do things that are restorative to yourself.
In the case where one spouse was neglected over a long time affecting their self esteem and wellbeing some of the websites I’m on are saying that having positive company of the opposite sex helps to restore it. No sex and no relationship chase, just the company.
If the spouse who is doing the neglecting is allowed to be the only source of affirmation its not fair to the neglected spouse.
(USA) Please do not date anyone else and complicate this relationship. God would want you to focus only on HIS will and desire for a healthy life. Go before the Lord daily and give affirmation only to him while he provides you with affirmation on a healthy balanced life. Receive only from GOD not people. This will drive you into a blessed relationship.
(SOUTH AFRICA) HI, I’ve been married for 7 years with 3 kids. His mom always interfered, but I could handle it. I moved to a new job 140km from where his mother lives. It was difficult for me to leave my family and trust to be with my family and be protected through it all.
Since we have moved here Jan 2011, his mom has had too many demands. He has not ever worked for me, so he was staying at home with the kids while I am the breadwinner. 13 April was the end of it all, their birthday. I was away from the house for this week to attend training. He went on that day to be with his mom. He did not even buy my child a gift or cake. He called to tell me his mom bought him a cellphone.
I mean what kind of man does nothing for his kids and still wants to be taken care of? I told him what I think of it all and that was the end of my marraige. He is now back with his mom who is fighting his battles for him, swearing at me and telling me to leave her child alone!! For a 29 year old man to hide behind his moms dress???
I am so destraught, the boys are so confused and yet his mom is still smsing me with the most vulgar unbearable sms’s. Do you think there is a law that I can sue and claim against his mother as the problem in interfering with my children’s happiness?
(USA) When my son first introduced us to his bride to be, she hated us from the get go! He was studying to be a doctor at the time and she was also! He told us not in so many words, but she did not care for us at all! She was an only child, rich and spoiled! She never could accept that we were not rich and we had 3 children and we gave only what we could to each child. We never showed any favorites in our family.
They did get married after even his classmates told him not to marry her because she would break apart his family. They have been married over 10 years and it is terrible! She is so disrespectful to us when we go there. We are at the point we hate going there at all.
They have 2 children that are twins and they are now 4 years old. We were never asked to care for them at all. She always asks her mama and her stepmom to watch them! When I questioned my son about this he never answers. She has turned him against us like oil and water. If it were not for us wanting to see the twins we would never ever even go there. We live 1 hour and 15 minutes away.
When we go there she never tells us hello and never speaks to us at all. We are walking on egg shells when we are there and when we leave I cry all the way home. When my son comes to visit us (not often) she does not even come with him. I am to the point I can’t take anymore and my husband and I both are willing to lose our son and the twins just to keep from having to deal with the way she treats us and my son does not tell her a word. He can’t be that stupid to see her doing this and he has got to see how it hurts us but I know he is in the middle!
We do not want to tell him anything because it will cause more friction between us! I do not know what to do anymore! I am sick about this. He used to call us only when she was not home or when he was on his way home from work alone but he does not even call us anymore. When we call him he does not answer the phone and never calls us back. We are his parents! This hurts us both so much! Even my mother-in-law and sister -in-laws do not like to go there to see the kids because my daughter-in-law treats them the same way, rude and shows no respect at all! The worst thing is she calls herself a Christian! I am a Christian also but I was taught not to be rude and mean to others!
(CANADA) It is your son’s choice… I don’t like my daughter-in-law for many reasons and I think it’s mutual… I ignore them and stay away. I don’t interfere in his mess. He calls me and I don’t call him. Let him see what he is missing… He will eventually see what he’s got and grow-up. Let him fly with his problems; don’t solve them as I know you are good parents. So chin up and go when you’re invited and make the best of it… It looks like it’s her kids not his.
(USA) You are so lucky that your son comes to see you without his wife. It means that he loves you so much that even if his wife doesn’t like the fact that he is going to see you, he still makes the choice to visit. I would love it if my son would visit my husband and I.
We too are treated like strangers, never greeted hello and such. If I go to give her a hug she almost pulls away and doesn’t exchange any conversation the entire visit. My husband doesn’t understand why I hurt inside as he is ingnored also. I guess I haven’t learned to not try to change the things I cannot. It still hurts deeply.
(USA) Martha- I was crying reading your letter. It’s very sad thing when you have so much love for your children and have never been disrespected,ever by your children. It’s such a strange occurrence when it happens; one becomes shocked enough to not say anything, at first.
I too, have a horrible daughter-in-law. They live with us and have for 15 months now with their two small children. I have become so stressed, I don’t come out of my back office. I lock my door and just work, however I was laid off from my job about 6 months ago and now I am left home to screaming, fighting and total disrespect. I cook and clean my home after they leave it a mess. Spill all over. My husband and I pay all of the household bills and up until a few months ago I bought all of the food and paid for their storage of the house items.
She has lied and yelled and have sat and ate the food I made, threw her plate in the washer and went back downstairs leaving me to clean up after the kids and the whole kitchen. I would buy her things without a word of thank you. When I bought her a nice purse for her birthday with not a word of thank you. I found it in my sons car on the backseat floor dirty. I took it back and they have not said a word. I am extremely sad and feel disrespected. The children sometime say mean things to me and my husband. We don’t allow them to talk ugly to us. They will tell us what their mom says about me but I don’t tell my son. I just let it go and have cried a lot.
So with that said and there is so much more but it’s just more at this point… I have asked them to find a place of their own. I want my peace back. I will not tolerate anyone to speak to me in such a way to bring me down. I am a good person with too much giving of my money and time. I have taken responsibility for this and have chosen to not allow this type of behavior and if that means walking away from my son, then so be it.
I am putting my total trust in God. He knows my heart and heartaches. I wish you peace in your mind, heart and soul Martha. Don’t let them take your joy. Enjoy your life with what God has given you. Open your eye to new beginnings. Pray for your son and his family and let it GO… It’s liberating. When you think of them smile and pray for their happiness. Your son will come back as I know my will too.
(SINGAPORE) I am writing this with such pain in my heart. I got married 7 months ago. My marriage was based on love. I knew my husband for 7 years. Unfortunately I did not get to know about his family much. I live with my husband and my in laws live in another state. My in laws are nice, friendly and kind people.
However, the only problem I have with them is their extremely out going, over social life. My mom in law loves to party and each trip she makes to my home, she turns my home into a party home. Visitors keep streaming into the house for no reason. She does everything according to her wish. Never has she ever asked my permission. She keeps arranging lunch, dinner, tea etc for all her sisters and relatives, never considering my situation.
To make it worse, when she arrives my husband is a completely different man who only sides his mom and enjoys the crowd. All my life, I have been a person who loves peace. I don’t party, I don’t have unnecessary gatherings. Everything I do in my life I take into consideration everyone’s emotion, situation and need. But in this case I don’t know why they just don’t ask or seek permission. I have confronted my in laws regarding this habit, however they say asking permission is not at all necessary and the habit of asking is bad.
I feel so hurt and so sad that even in my husband’s eyes I seem wrong to him. He feels I am not being good to his family, but he very well knows my habit and quiet behaviour. I don’t know how much more I can take this. I love to have my in laws at home, cook good meals, spend evenings together etc, but I can’t tolerate this partying attitude.
Please someone advise me. How should I deal with this? My husband is afraid to speak up to his parents, therefore he feels I should change. But I can’t. Currently I am in a very difficult stage of my life completing my doctarate but I have lost all peace. I thought marriage will bring happiness, but here it hurts too much. Please advise.
(USA) My so called “mother in law” hmmm mostly gives some little gift or token to the daughter in law. She has not as much as given a cookie in 5 years of marriage. Is this normal? I have friends who have gotten trips, gifts at least something!!
At least you get something, I don’t get anything; all I do is give.
(SINGAPORE) I have been a Christian all my life and married my first and only boyfriend. Initially I was happy about the fact that he was filial son but later to realized his mother was an overbearing woman that would cause me my health all together.
To give you an idea about the situation I was in: When I was first married into his house, I was told by by my mother-in-law I had to keep all my undergarments right at the bottom drawer. She would be scolding the maid everyday for hours so much that I had to get out of the house to avoid hearing her. She insulted my mother in front of me when my mom volunteered to do confinement for me. She fired the maid who took care of my child without allowing me to say goodbye to her.
I moved out several years later thinking I would have my much desired freedom. Guess what? She moved into my small little home. She threatened to fire my new maid and when I refused to, she screamed at me and said my sister-in-law wanted to slap me to vindicate my mom-in-law. I had to tell my mom-in-law that THAT dauther-in-law did not want her in the first place so I had to take her in.
All these took place over 10 years ago. I thought I could forgive her. When I knew I was pregnant with the 4th child last year, I finally thought I had a reason to tell my husband that our home was too small to accommodate my in-laws. Guess what? My husband bought a property that would put me a million in debt to house the people who caused me so much depression.
A few days before I would give birth, my mother in law again fired the maid in my house. I have 3 kids running around, a big tummy and I had to take all this nonsense! So I did the house chores, took care of my 3 kids and settled my hospital arrangements, refusing to talk to my in-law for weeks.
End of it, I suffered tremendously during post-natal. I lost a lot of hair, gotten myself an autoimmune problem that made me look 10 years older. I am asking myself, should I continue to be Christian about this? She is still living with me and I have been depressed for a long long time. She would insult me, take my children’s clothes and hide them, and give away the cookies I baked without telling me. And I have to love her?
(SINGAPORE) I am thankful for the articles about in laws posted in this website. After reading some of it, I feel like I am not struggling alone.
I came to know God more than 10 years ago. I must admit that I don’t have a close relationship with God and only in recent years I am trying to pursue that with Him. I have been living with both my father and mother in laws for coming on 8 years when I delivered my first child. I have been hoping for God to change me or to remove my in laws from staying under one roof with me for the past 8 years. None came true so far!!!
My husband is someone very filial to his parents and he is trying to meet their every need and always trying to shield them from all harms, if possible. I think this is the after effect of him being there witnessing a difficult and challenging time his parents were through during a sad family crisis 30+ years ago.
In the course of our living together, whenever I confide with my husband on my struggles with my in laws, it saddened him greatly and I ended feeling like a failure as a wife (not to say a good one) by adding stress on him. Being the eldest in the family and living away from my family for a period of time, I have always dream of having my own home and run my house the way I have been wishing. I am still hoping now!
With different backgrounds and almost 2 generations gap from my in laws, I am struggling to appreciate what my in laws are trying to do in my home, despite knowing that they did it out of love. They are strong headed people and always stuck to their ways of living while living with us. I disagree with most of the things they do in my house. I have tried to tolerate it but I failed, failed badly. I have tried to be open up, voice out and set some boundaries with my in laws but I always find my boundaries being trampled again and again. Sometimes, I can’t help but wonder why God isn’t answering my prayer to remove my in laws from my house. My husband said there is a purpose. God allows this situation to happen and stay. He has his duty to carry out to take care of them till they pass on, else he will be guilty the rest of his life.
I sometimes feel so hopeless stuck in this situation for 8 years, not seeing any better change or improvement in this situation. I feel lonely in this dilemma as none of my good friends are living with their in laws and I have no one who is keen to understand or to confide with besides my husband. The more I share with my husband, the more we are drifting apart as he is also lost on how to make this situation better. I always end up putting him in between his parents and wife. Thank you for your listening ears.
(GHANA) Mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law can live in harmony when they respect and understand one another. They must love the man in the centre of their lives and appreciate the fact the they come from different backgrounds, environments, cultures. They must appreciate the different educational backgrounds and teach one another. They must be themselves and be prayerful.
(UNITED STATES) I want to start off by saying I’ve purchased your book and I love it. As for my in-law story it’s odd. I’m 22 years old and I’m not married yet. My fiance and I are tying the knot in three months. Instead of being happy and excited I’m terrified. My soon to be mother in-law and I started off on an odd foot. My fiancé wouldn’t introduce me to her until we had been dating for no less than five months. When we finally did meet it was accidental. She came over to his apartment unannounced while he was moving in and of course I was helping him. I had added a womans touch already, dishes, towels, some decoration ect. She let herself in, walked around then told him to show her upstairs and from below I heard her start in on him. Who is that? Why are there dishes in the cabinets? Whose are those?
She came down and was very cold. None the less I smiled introduced myself and tried to make the best of the awkward situation. From then on we got along great, going out for girl time, and I truly enjoyed it. Now with our wedding fastly approaching she has changed. She is rude to me, if she acknowledges me at all. She calls his friends saying awful things about me and it gets worse. My fiancé has a daughter with an estranged woman. She sent him a message letting him know she broke up with her boyfriend this is his chance. That was the most hurtful thing and it hurts him more than me. I’ve tried everything. My fiance is worth putting up with her, but knowing that by marrying my dream love I will have to put up with her for the rest of her life breaks my heart and makes me second guess my decision. Sometimes it is more than a misunderstanding.