Life consists of our making one series of choices after the next. We all have the free will to make choices that are helpful and helpful and we have the free will to make choices that can hurt. If we determine that we want our marriage to be the best it can be, we have to make the choices that help to make that happen. And when it comes to how we handle our friends, the same “rule” applies.
“Each of us has a choice to make in terms of what we expect out of our friendships with others. You see, some may be content with just hanging out with the boys after a game. It’s fine just throwing the ball around, getting dirty, having some laughs, and then going home. For many that’s enough; that’s what friendship is. But if you want something more for your life, you have to go after it. You need to find people who are looking for the same.” (Dave Currie with Glen Hoos)
It’s true what the Bible says in 1 Corinthians 15:33.
Concerning Friends, God’s word says:
“Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character.’ Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning. For there are some who are ignorant of God —I say this to your shame.”
You can’t play with “fire” in going places and doing things with friends that can hurt your marriage and not expect for it to “burn” your marriage. If you have friendships that hurt your marriage, then you need to pull back from them. It will be difficult but it’s important. It’s the same principle as “cutting off the hand that causes you to sin.” This will definitely hurt you to do this, but it will eventually lead to a better end.
Years ago I had a friend that enjoyed smoking. And that was fine for that friend. But when she kept trying to get me to smoke. I determined in my mind that I didn’t want to end up a smoker, do I had a choice to make. I could either keep up my friendship with this person and eventually become a smoker (because she wouldn’t stop pushing the cigarettes at me) or I would cut off our friendship and find another friend.
Difficult Decision
As difficult as it was to cut off the friendship, I’m now glad I made that choice. (This is especially true as I see other friends who are struggling to try to quit smoking.)
I realize this circumstance is different than the ones you are facing. But the issue is the same. If a friend is tempting us to go in a direction we shouldn’t, and we aren’t strong enough to do the right thing, isn’t it better to end the friendship rather than doing what we shouldn’t?
If you have a friendship that is hurting your marriage, you have a choice to make. Is this friendship more important to you than your spouse? Is the vow you made when you married less important than your friendship, or what?
Sometimes we have friendships that are good for us “for a season” but then it’s time to move on from there because they just aren’t working anymore. A friendship is different than a marriage. With a marriage, you entered into covenant with your spouse and also with God. To leave that marriage for the sake of an outside friendship (no matter how strong the friendship bond was at one time), you are breaking a solemn vow. You need to realize that.
To help you further with this dilemma, we would like for you to read an article written by Dr Dave Currie and Glen Hoos. To do so, click onto the link below:
• How a Man’s Friends Can Make or Break a Marriage
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this blog.
If you have additional tips to help others in this area of marriage, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: For Married Men
Hello: First time for me here! I guess I feel desperate to vent- my husband of 17 yrs has this acquaintance that he met through a garage sale that I hosted- I regret that garage sale every day. This friend is a loser in all ways. Career criminal, pathological liar about everything. It seems my husband knows about his lies and will stay on the phone entertaining more lies and fabricated stories. I cannot understand what the connection is. This dude is bad news in so many ways. I have begged my husband in so many ways to drop him before my husband gets into legal trouble. But yet he doesn’t drop him. He will take a phone call from him in the middle of speaking to me. He will drop everything it seems to entertain this loser. He claims he likes to keep tabs on him and that he enjoys talking to him. Whats happening though is I think so much less of my husband for having this person in his life. My husband hardly sees him, and never hangs out with him but the mere thought of my husband putting this person ahead of me just hurts and sickens me too!
My husband has a friend like this; it’s almost an addiction to this loser isn’t it? I’m helpless too, horrible feeling.
Hi I need your advice. My husband hardly spends time with me; during the week I understand that he goes to work & comes home late and then we sleep. But on weekends he is always with friends & drinking booze, even Sunday until late. When I confront him about it he says he doesn’t care. I know he loves me & I love him too but sometimes love is not enough. I don’t know what to do.
I understand how you feel; I’ve been here recently myself. Not fun. Sometimes friends need to get lost. What do you want to see change, so you’re both happy?
Many of my husband’s friends have gotten divorced lately and they are always telling my husband how happy they are, and they constantly brag about their new girlfriends. Lo’ and behold, my husband just walked out on me and our fourteen year old daughter nine days before our wedding anniversary because he “doesn’t love me anymore and can no longer live a lie.” To say our daughter and I, along with our two adult children, are heartbroken, would be an understatement. I don’t know if I should try to get him back and try to salvage the relationship or just let him go. I am so confused.
Well, what does your heart tell you? This is very complex, with only a few options that I see. If he truly doesn’t love you anymore, what is there to salvage? But to move on with your life. Easier said then done, I know. But you can’t make him love you. I’m feeling those blows to your heart, I really am.
My husband has female classmates, which they are my classmates too. wWen I am around my husband they walk past me like ignoring me then act like they didn’t see me when I know they’ve seen me because I see them. They invite my husband to gatherings but don’t invite me. It so happened my classmates mother saw me at Walmart and invited me to her 60th Birthday party. My husband was serving drinks as the bartender and he’s not a bartender but I got there and my classmate looked as if she was mad that I was there. But her mom invited me. My husband knew about the all white party. He had his outfit and I had to hurry up and buy something white for the party.
I felt so uncomfortable. My female classmates are mean girls. They make jokes, throw shades, and laugh when I come around or ignore me like they don’t see me to make me feel uncomfortable. We even took a class picture. One of my classmates has a big behind. She comes beside my husband and I, to take a class picture in front of me while my husband is behind me. I moved up to look at the picture. The man was showing us how the picture turned out. While stepping back in the line she was bending over messing with her shoe. I handled it by ignoring it. I told my husband how I feel. We are always getting into arguments. It’s very hurtful.
My classmate could have inboxed me on Facebook to tell me about the party but instead her mom came up to me in Walmart. I am dealing with 5 females. They are not married but my husband and I are. He goes all out to satisfy them he goes the extra mile for them. Two of them are very educated; they drive nice cars and my spouse and I do not have a college education. I am in college. I’ve been working towards my degree. My husband is our class president. My spouse was in resource during high school so my spouse was never taken seriously. They look down on him until he opens up his own cleaning services, and bring in 15,000 a month.
He’s always trying to act like he’s balling and trying to impress everyone but one of our cleaning contracts let him go. I work with my husband. I clean and don’t look for anything in return because I love him. At the event with my classmates he goes to cleaning I go to cleaning too with him and they try to help. But we go so fast they just get out of the way and brag on him while I am doing the same thing. He wants to be recognized the classmate that bends over. She says just look at them, around my other classmates. They all look at each other and never give eye contact to me. But she comes where I am and says that while her other friends are with her.
When I am around my spouse I feel uncomfortable. I feel so out of place. I’ve been married to my spouse for 7, together 11 years we have 2 children. I feel disrespected. He makes excuses for them. He says I am a negative person. He gave me a plaque in front of them on our class reunion last year and said nice things about me in front of them. I felt special but it’s all a show because behind close doors I can’t express how I feel because they were so disrespectful to me during our class reunion. That’s another story. But at the end of the event I hear him trying to throw me a Birthday/Anniversary party telling them he’s going to get with them to do me something. I act like I didn’t hear it but these are the same females that disrespect my marriage. I don’t have any friends, no male friends because I am loyal. I respect my marriage. I need advice. I am spiritually tired. I pray and pray.
If I heard that from my husband, God that would be it for me. It’s the same as cheating in my book. So sorry you’re going through this painful ordeal. It would be over for me. Wish you luck, hang in there…
I’m going through this with my husband right now, he doesn’t see how his problem friend is hurting us.
I feel like giving my husband to him, and wishing them happiness together. I’m just burned out on the entire painful thing.
I’m newly married and my husband’s high school male friend has become a concern. My husband & his friend talk a couple of times a week and it seems like they plot and plan things and my husband makes quick decisions without consulting me. He waits and tells me either at the last minute knowing his already told him yes or no. Then he wants to ask me, when he already has given his friend an answer.
The problem we are having is that he allows this friend to come to our home and makes plans for our home. His friend is wealthy and my husband never tells him no because he feels he benefits from it. This friend has bought over $600 of plants and bushes for the home, patio furniture and came yesterday with some builders to build a cabin style outbuilding and buy my husband a brand new truck. If I say anything, I’m in the wrong. He will say he’s a good friend and if he wants to make sure I have nice things, there’s nothing wrong with it. You benefit from it as well as I do. This cabin style house is where his friend will be staying off and on until he figures out where and when he will start to build on his own new home in the area.
My husband gets mad when I say no, I don’t think that’s a good idea or why are you allowing this man to buy you these things. You can’t buy a person’s friendship. It’s really ok to say no but my husband enjoys every bit of what his friend suggests and do for him. The friend has money and knows how to talk my husband into accepting these things. Yesterday, after he left he told my husband he feels that I’m very short with him and I don’t like him. I told my husband I respect his friendship but you need to find balance between your marriage and your friend. It’s ok to say no but he feels if he doesn’t have to buy it, why not accept it.
It seems that this friend is able to buy his friendship and position with your husband by giving stuff to him. That’s a dangerous precedent to set when a friend can buy his position to disrupt your marriage partnership, and is given the okay of one spouse over the other.
You make excellent points on this, but make sure that you are careful here. Remember that as newlyweds you are “hammering out a new civilization” together. (See the following to give you added insights: https://marriagemissions.com/about-us-2/quotes-on-newlyweds/) That is a tough one to navigate. But please look around this web site to find ways to best approach your spouse on this important issue. You are right on in trying to figure out friendship boundaries, but be careful how you do it. And decide which points you should bring up and which ones you can drop. Choose your battles wisely.
Good example here. My neighbor had a smoking girlfriend. He was into cycling and, over the years, kept trying to convince her to stop smoking. Incredibly, when the summer break came (they’re both teachers) she convinced him that, if he’d start and smoked for 6 months (and, later, insisted that he smoke close to what she did each day!) that they’d quit together because, she’d say, it’d be easier if she had someone to quit with. Since he thought it was a simply a matter of will power, he took her up on it!!
Ending one’s addiction isn’t always a matter willpower as he found out and it didn’t help that her continued smoking served as a powerful cue for him.
Long story/short, they both smoke now and it’s been years. Ironically, he still says bad things about smoking and, now, he said that it will be much easier if they’d both stop together. I don’t think that was ever, truly, her plan. Perhaps, at this point, they both need the extra help of God but they’re both atheists so they’re lost in more ways than one.
I really enjoyed reading this article! I have “issues” with only one of my husband’s friends who called my husband an adulterer on our wedding night (I don’t see why it matters if he was inebriated/drunk or not). I hope this blog will help my husband to see I’m not against his friend, I’m just not comfortable with the type of person his friend is and who my husband turns into when he is around him (1 Cor. 15:33 comes to my mind here). Thanks again!
I’m not understanding why my husband moved in with my cousin after my cousin offered him a job almost 2 hrs away from home. The original plan was that we would rent a room from them until we found a place closer to his job. Once he gave his 2 week notice to his former job and basically took the new job, I was told that my cousin and his wife changed their mind because they are fixing up the room for their daughter. I only agreed to the new job because of not only was it more pay and that my husband was interested but because we were going to continue being together.
It’s hard for me to find a place out their way, living so far away and my husband is home only on weekends and we haven’t had any luck finding anything closer. It’s been 5 and a half months and to me I see my family as my enemy because it seems he chose them over me. Do I have the wrong perspective? They said that he can stay there but I can’t.