Those in the military marriages, along with their families face extraordinary everyday challenges. We want you to know that we GREATLY APPRECIATE the many sacrifices you make to keep our country safe from those who want to harm us.
We pledge to look diligently for articles that will help to strengthen your marriages. So keep checking back to this web site to see what else we are able to find to help you.
We realize that while your spouse may be battling a different war, yours is often a war of a fragile and broken heart. You must stand strong while managing the many responsibilities you must carry because you are not always able to work together in the same location.
Please know our hearts and prayers are with you. It is our hope that this article and the ones we link to, can minister to your needs. As you read each article, pray and ask God to show you what you need to learn. And apply what you can (because of your particular circumstances).
In Ministering to Military Marriages:
First, is an article that you may find helpful before deployment. It may even after help afterward, if you haven’t worked through the details outlined in this piece. It is written by Gerber Ink. He gives a number of very practical tips that you may not have considered doing before reading what he wrote. To read the advice he gives, please click onto the Hubpages.com link below to read:
• MILITARY SPOUSES PREPARING FOR DEPLOYMENT
And then there is an article, which we have posted under the “Assorted Marriage Issues” topic on this web site. It may also help you combat some of the loneliness you are experiencing while your spouse is gone. Even though this is not written specifically for the military spouse, you may find some of the tips helpful. You may be able to relate to some of the problems discussed.
To learn more, please click onto the Marriage Missions link to read:
— ALSO —
The following is something written by SMSgt. Tony Barnes, who wrote the article, “The Nuggets of Faith Prayer.” In it he gives insight into “3 specific ways to pray for the military” that you may want to consider using as an outline. He writes:
Many people pray generically for the safety of our military forces. But here are three specific ways you can pray for the military.
1. Pray for safety
Roadside explosives and ambushes are rampant in the Middle East. Pray that further plans to plant explosive devices would result in confusion. Pray that automobile explosives would fail to detonate. Also, pray that the local police would have wisdom to discover plots to harm and maim. And pray that those who plan harm would have their thoughts confounded.
2. Pray for relationships.
Recurring deployments take a tremendous toll on military families. Pray for open communication, loyalty and a strengthening of marriage commitments. Pray for happy reunions. And pray for the children to be able to cope with their parent’s absence.
3. Pray for “foxhole evangelism.”
Pray that Christians in the military will have the boldness and confidence to share their faith when given the opportunities. And pray that believers would be willing to work with chaplains to improve the religious climate on the base. Additionally, pray that the Christians in the military would also pray for each other.
— ALSO —
The following is a prayer, which you may find helpful to read and express in your heart to the Lord during this time of need. It comes from a blog, which is posted on the web site for Christian Military Wives. It’s titled:
PRAYER FOR EMOTIONAL PROTECTION
Dear Father,
Remind us that you have not given us the spirit of fear. Fill us with your power, love, and give us a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)
Remind us that you are not the author of confusion, but of peace. Take away disturbing and confusing thoughts, and fill our minds with your peace. (1 Corinthians 14:33)
Don’t let us worry about anything. Instead, enable us to pray about everything. Earnestly, humbly, and with thanksgiving, let us make our requests know to you. May your peace, which passes all understanding, keep our hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6,7)
Please heal our broken hearts and bind our wounds. (Psalm 147:3)
Cause us to fill our minds with things that are true, honest, just, pure, lovely, of good report. If there is any virtue or praise, let us dwell on those things. (Philippians 4:8)
Additionally:
Keep us in perfect peace, because our mind is stayed on you and we trust you. (Isaiah 26:3)
Don’t let us be carnally minded, which leads to death. May we be spiritually minded, which is life and peace. (Romans 8:6)
Teach us how to cast all our care on you, for you care for us. You will sustain us and never let the righteous fall. (1 Peter 5:7; Psalm 55:22)
Remind us that we didn’t receive a spirit that makes us a slave to fear, but we received the Spirit of Sonship. Because of this we can cry to you intimately, “Abba, Father.” (Romans 8:15)
May we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper. I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?” (Hebrews 13:6)
In the name of Jesus we pray, Amen
(Written by Jessica Gerald. Jessica Gerald has been an elementary school teacher for over thirty years, and is the publisher of the website oldfashionedhomemaking.com.)
— ALSO —
There are battles of war that are fought from a broken heart when a spouse is deployed. And there are wars of a different type that are fought once the spouse returns home.
One would think that the “fight” for family unity is over once the deployed spouse returns home. But in reality, a different “war” can take shape afterward.
If you are the wife of a soldier who is suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder —one of the many “wounds” that a number of soldiers return home with, you may find the following web site link helpful for you and also for your spouse:
• MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIPS: Secondary PTSD
Scriptures to Help Military Marriages
Whether your spouse is deployed at this time, or if you are home “together,” —at least physically, the following is a link to a number of scriptures posted on the Internet. They may help you pray through whatever tough situations you are encountering in your military marriage. I encourage you to click onto the link below. It will take you to the Where is God Ministriesweb site.
Once you click into the link, I encourage you to make a copy of the scriptures posted. Use them as an outline for your own prayer time. As you read each scripture, pray whatever comes to mind that God impresses upon your heart. Ask God:
“Who and what do you want me to pray for today?”
God will meet you there as you:
STOP… SIT… and STAY
until you
CONNECT with GOD.
Please prayerfully read:
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
If you have additional tips you can share to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Assorted Marriage Issues Military Marriage
(USA) I am currently going through a divorce from a military man. We have been married for 26 years. I left. Before this I was what most would say a perfect military wife. I kept the home front going, supported him in every way whether it be a call from Iraq at 2am on a work day or staying up all night praying because of the mission he was on, and then going to work the next day… We were active duty for 15 years and reserves after. I have been though many missions, conflicts and 2 wars/3 tours.
After all of this he couldn’t or wouldn’t stand up for me, be there when I needed him most. He left me to find my own way home from the hospital after having major surgery -tubes in my abdomen when I had to stay an extra day. He had to work (non-military). Last tour he did nothing to prepare me or our home. I said many X we can’t go into a deployment with issues. He ignored it. I had an accident ,was expected to be in cast/crutches when he came home. I left for protection. Our daughter is very angry.
(US) Dear Denise, There are very few rules in war. After years of our husbands serving and fighting, they turn and start fighting the prople who helped them the most. I am saddened for you and your daughter. But I am hopeful that you are a stronger and better person. I know that you are.
There is no easy way to walk away from 26 years of marriage… but now you can create a “new Denise” and you know that you are worth it. Be strong… and courageous… Always Forward.
(USA) Denise, let me see if I understand. You are upset that he abandoned you, but it appears you are seeking validation for doing the very same thing.
I’m confused. If it’s wrong for him to abandon you in what you call your time of need, if it’s wrong for him to not stand up for you, then how is it right for you to back down, to walk away, etc?
I’m sorry you have experienced such disappointment. However, I fail to see how doing essentially the same thing is any sort of Godly solution to the issue.
I’m trying to understand here. You have an accident while he’s gone, and would be in crutches when you get home, so you leave before he gets home? Isn’t that ignoring it too, or avoidance, which is essentially your complaint about him?
I can see why your daughter might be angry. She sees you doing the very same things you complain about with respect to her father. I’d be angry too if you were my mom and pulled such a stunt.
I’m not saying you don’t have valid complaints. I’m saying you are addressing those complaints in an invalid fashion.
(USA) Denise, Wow, the military wife in me like you and thousands of others, does everything using the power of prayer to make sure the home front is perfect to the best of our ability. I do not think that you abandoned your husband, I believed that you saved yourself, and your daughter! I believe that you were tired of living a life with a spirit of dead bones, and that the only way to breath life into your spirit was/is to divorce.
I too have been married to a military man for 26 years. I too have some praying to do, in that my marriage is struggling with demons that feed anger and hatred. What is the limited of emotional abuse, what is the limit of affairs on his part, before a marriage is done? I know first hand how military wives put our husbands on a pedestal for our children, making sure everything is perfect so that our husbands don’t react to our children they way they react to us. We don’t want our children to see just how ugly daddy can be. Your daughter will overcome her anger, as she hears the word of our Lord she will gain wisdom, and know just what strength it took for mommy to dislove 26 years of marriage.
Move on my sister and God Bless. Please keep praying for us still in the struggle, still in the struggle of letting go and letting God. Because only he knows when enough is enough.
(USA) Dear Elizabeth, your comment spoke volumes to me and made me realize I am not alone. Exactly… what are the limits? 70×7? Constant disappointments, I am broken. I constantly seek the Lord. However, I have days of not being filled. Thank you for hearing me.
(USA) I am looking for the Bible verse which states man should to go to war until after one year from his marriage. To allow him and is wife to consummate and bond. Thank you for your help.
(USA) Hi Shenna, Are you thinking about Deuteronomy 24:5? If you are, it’s a great verse for the time it was written in, but I’m not sure we are to live by all the laws that were laid out during that time in Biblical history, otherwise, you’d have to follow Deuteronomy 24:1 and others as well. That particular verse in verse 5 is a good precedent to follow — not to get too involved with outside interests when one is first married, so you have the opportunity to get settled in your relationship first, but it’s not a steadfast law. Obviously, you and your husband (or another couple) need to do some praying and working together to make the important decisions that are being contemplated. I’m praying for you.
(USA) I understand all the military wives comments. The one that just struck home with me was putting daddy on a pedestal for our children so they don’t have to see the ugly. My boys will tell me what they really think about something and tell dad what they think he wants to hear. He thinks I am lying to him to make him feel guilty about being gone! As if making him feel guilty would change things… it simply can’t.
Although, I only have 10 years experience with this lifestyle, we have done 11 short deployments following 4 years of TDY 3 weeks a month. I have to force myself to feel like we are even part of his life instead of a crash pad for 3 months of the year. He can’t understand why I feel that way. I feel like we are not a priority in his life, he feels like we are the only priority. I think there are ways to include your family in your unit… FRG, unit functions… something. Is work really number one in every military marriage? Do wives and famlies really figure in somewhere down the line? Why are there any military wives left if that is true? I really think my husband and I just haven’t figured out the right formula yet.
Denise, I am sorry for your hurt. But after 26 years, you have got to be an incredibly strong and able to adjust to just about any situatuation. I cant imagine how it hurts, but I can bet you will make it!! You have learned all the skills to survive even when you didn’t want to. Best of luck to you!
(USA) I would love any information or articles on how to reestablish trust after infidelity… especially with a military spouse that travels. Information about surviving infidelity while your spouse is overseas would be helpful. There are tons of really good information out there, but none of it I have found include how we, as spouses are supposed to handle it.
Military One Source has some information, but I am looking for more… I want to save my marriage, but I need to know if it is savable. Therapy is helping, but I am not sure how to bring up military specific issues because they are hard to explain. HELP!!
(UNITED STATES) I never realized how truly cruel someone can be until you leave them. I had been with my husband for 10 years (in September). I’ve been with him through 2 deployments, and in the end he says he chooses his friends and his mom and dad over his wife and two young sons. The funny thing is his family never knew he existed until 2007 and his friends who are also in the military think it is ok to cheat (134th Red Bull).
The last deployment there were a bunch of female soldiers sent home from Iraq pregnant. How do you move on? How do you explain to your children that their daddy “would rather be with his friends and family” than his own sons? I put up with so much physical, emotional abuse, the infidelity, the drinking and now this… a slap in the face. I know I’m not the only one who is going through this, but it sure feels like it.
How do you tell your heart to stop hurting, that everything’s going to be ok? How do you keep smiling so that your kids will keep smiling? How do you stop feeling like the lowest form of life on earth because you couldn’t keep your marriage together even though you knew that you had tried your best?
(AUSTRALIA) How do you move on? How do you do all those things? You do it with support, with information, with prayer, with healing. If you can get a therapist who understands the abuse you lived with, that would be critical to your healing.
You tried your best, so you are not the cause of the breakdown of your marriage. It’s up to you, what you believe. No one can make your life better – only you can. At the end of the day, you live your life and you live with yourself. Give yourself the respect and the compassion you give others, especially your family members.
You may hurt for a while. That’s OK. That’s natural. Give yourself permission to grieve and mourn the loss of your marriage, the loss of your future, the loss of your self-worth, the loss for your kids, etc. As you embrace the pain and work through it, it will go and you will be a better person. The past is not you. The pain is not you. You are who God made you to be, and now you can go and be that beautiful person.
(UNITED STATES) Re: Tony’s comments- I think that’s being a bit harsh and a little bit judgmental. While it may be true that it isn’t biblical to abandon our vows even if our spouse does, if there is ever a question of safety, she should leave. Let’s encourage her and pray for God’s will to be done in her life. Leave the judging to Him alone.
Denise, I am praying for you. I, too, was a military wife for 10 years and it almost destroyed our marriage. The worldly influences and time it takes away from the family unit is what brings marriages to its knees and can ultimately devour it. I totally relate to and understand your pain. Unfortunately, you cannot change your husband; only Christ can, and only if your husband allows it. God doesn’t force his way into our marriage but waits for us to call on Him. You can always pray for him and stand in the gap. I have seen complete miracles and am a testament to His saving grace.
My husband went away to Afghanistan in 2001 and then immediately to Korea after that deployment. During those years, he was gone all the time. I thought my marriage was over- we weren’t communicating, praying, etc. we didn’t speak to each other but were respectful in front of the kids. My husband fell away from us and the Lord, but God totally changed his heart and brought him back to us. I thought it was over, and it wasn’t. This may not be your story but there is always hope. Never give up, stay on your knees. I know how difficult it is, but here we are, 9 years later even more in love. I know it may be hard for your daughter because children dont understand. Someday she will and just continue to lift your daughter up to Jesus. He will reach her heart too. You are strong enough, because He is our strength- our Jehovah Jireh- our provider. God bless you.
(USA) So why not comment on her judgmental comments then? After all, she’s making a judgment about her husband when she leaves. I’m simply asking for the same standard be applied. If he’s wrong for abandoning her, and I think we all agree that he is, then she is repeating the same act by abandoning him. And if we all believe his abandonment was wrong, then hers is the same sort of mistake.
So either we have to call BOTH of them on it, or neither, there is no in between. Pick a standard, but apply it to both, not just one.
(AUSTRALIA) Interesting, Tony. I can see a problem with that logic, though. Abandonment itself isn’t the issue – it is the motive. God abandoned the Israelites at times, by being silent for years or giving them to their enemies. God’s action was a response to what His people did in abandoning Him and His action was motivated by love.
In saying that she left, the woman was not being judgmental. She was simply exercising her choice to free herself from an intolerable position. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Seems to me that she decided to jump ship. Sorry, but that’s not the same as abandoning a spouse for selfish reasons.
(USA) Let’s see, he had to work in one case, he was being deployed in another. It’s not like you can just say, I can’t be with the unit because my wife needs me. I can understand she wants her husband to be there. It’s not like you can just quit the military. But apparently, she can just quit the marriage.
Seems pretty selfish to me. She expects him to essentially abandon the military before his enlistment is up. One cannot just quit the military because they don’t want to be deployed again.
Read what she said again, “After all of this he couldn’t or wouldn’t stand up for me, be there when I needed him most. He left me to find my own way home from the hospital after having major surgery -tubes in my abdomen when I had to stay an extra day. He had to work (non-military). Last tour he did nothing to prepare me or our home. I said many X we can’t go into a deployment with issues. He ignored it. I had an accident, was expected to be in cast/crutches when he came home. I left for protection. Our daughter is very angry.” Should he have made arrangements for her? Of course. If he couldn’t be there, then he should have made arrangements.
What about the deployment? She says he ignored her. She has an accident while he’s gone, so what does she do, she leaves. The daughter is justifiably angry. She sees her mom mad at her dad, and yet mom is doing the very same sort of thing that she feels her husband did wrong. So she can just leave the marriage because she’s not happy. Seems she’s the one who is abandoning him.
(AUSTRALIA) Well, we don’t really know all the facts. But from what she said, she didn’t leave because she was unhappy. She left for her protection.
I think her gripe may be that he was unwilling to discuss or consider her concerns. The military life is tough, and no doubt most spouses would be willing to put up with that, but add other issues into the mix, and these difficulties are compounded if not resolved. I think if they had been able to resolve those conflicts surrounding those issues, the result may have been different. But it does take two to tango and if it gets to the point where one person can’t take anymore, you really can’t blame them for leaving. Some people do leave too quickly, just because they are unhappy and dissatisfied, but for others, it is a question of safety and mutual trust. And no, he can’t say the same thing back because she says she left for protection, which is valid. Who knows? But it doesn’t seem clearcut.
(USA) Protection from what? She made no claims of abuse. Neglect perhaps, but again, since he has little or no control over getting deployed, it seems like she has an unreasonable expectation. She was unhappy that he didn’t take care of whatever it was she wanted resolved before he left. Again, no claims of abuse, or adultery, just having to work or be deployed.
Unless he joined the military after they got married and without discussing it with him, she had to have some idea what she was getting into.
I really don’t see a legitimate concern about protection given she never once said he was abusive or adulterous. She “feels” neglected, so she’s operating on feelings, and I see little if any consideration of the facts. Therefore, its likely mostly that she’s unhappy. Since she’s presented no facts that indicate he’s unsafe, I think this is 99.44% emotion. Nothing wrong with emotion, but you cannot allow it to overrule logic or what scripture says we are to do.
(KENYA) Military marriages are ripped apart by war. Anxiety, PTSD, substance abuse, and other mental health disorders interact to disturb marriages that have already been weakened by a military lifestyle of booze, parties and numerous adolescent pranks played by bored military men and women.
(USA) I am an army wife in the beginning stages of my second deployment with my husband. Things have been hard. Remember that there are so many wives looking at these comments for support and hope. That their marriage will not end in a broken heart, that God will lead us on the right path.
Instead of pointing fingers, she did this or he did that. To not have been there for that woman’s relationship you cannot assume anything. God will move her where she needs to go. There are so many things that occur in these times. A simple forgotten phone call or what seems to be an emotional disconnect because of our men being in battle mode, can cause a small hurt, which normally can be healed with a I’m sorry and hug and a kiss. But with the separation the small hurts can turn into a deep festering wound.
Remember to love God and then love yourself. Know your worth and know your husband’s worth. Fight for each other if you can. Sometimes some hurts can be forgiven and sometimes they cannot. Life is a battle, together in Christ we overcome all obstacles.
First thing as a wife to my husband… I accept what I can not change. I accept my husband as a soldier. If I had to choose this life with him or with another I would choose him. I pray that I can be patient, that I can be a solider too, that with Jesus at my side I can fight for my husband and I can win. So that I can know my husband’s love and my son can know a fathers love, so that he may grow up in a whole and happy home.
Lets make sure not to just post a comment that criticizes but provides solutions and hope and prayer. I pray you who are reading this that the Lord Jesus fills you with his Holy Spirit and lights your way through any dark time you may suffer through. Where there is love there is always a way. Peace be with you.
I posted my story on another forum but I am a military wife and love the military and what it stands for. My dad served 23 years and retired. Its all I’ve known my whole life. My question is… my husband has been to war twice has a purple heart and PTSD. Now I’m aware that PTSD is serious but I’m also aware that some use it as an excuse to do what they want. I am hurting. I’ve been praying for God to give me the right answer. I’m tired. Here’s my story:
I’ve been married to my husband for four years this month. He’s in the military and has been in Korea for a year now. I came into this marriage with my son who was 5 at the time. I had been single since my son’s biological father beat me every week and decided to leave when I saw my son, at only a few months old at the time, was about to be hurt.
When I met my husband I had been through the worst but had a wonderful job, nice home, car, and my son and I were great. I’ll admit being a single mom was lonely, and I desperately wanted the love of a husband and father for my son. We only knew each other for 3 months before we got married. Even the beginning was rocky. He was on his way out of the military. However, growing up in a military family, I knew people and my family helped him tremendously.
So he stayed in we pcsd and that’s when the real real stuff started. I had already caught him online several times before we moved but never really thought he’d go as far as meeting them. Well, a year and a half later I find over 300 photos of naked women and conversations between them. We argued and fought and ironically enough, he’d just get angry and shut down. At one point he even said he wasn’t in love with me after begging me to forgive the week prior. Then he said he wanted to let me go because when he goes to Korea, he wants to travel, and have fun, and doesn’t want to hurt me if he messes up.
As heartbroken as I was I wasn’t going to stay if those were his intentions. So we didn’t talk for days. I started packing. He saw a lawyer and then came home and told me he only has to give me 600 bucks a month and if I stay in the apartment I need to find a way to pay for it… I’m like ??? Really? So I said I was moving back to my parents and he could have it. He went on to tell me that if I just let him have female friends and give him time we could work this out. Well… I said no thank you. Of course, he got upset, took all the money out the account, and wouldn’t speak to me. Finally someone contacted him after he posted on Facebook this marriage was over and gave him sound advice about what he was about to lose and he needed to grow up because there was nothing in Korea worth losing a wife who has always had your back and been faithful and abandoning a boy who already didn’t have a father and calls you dad.
So after all of that he comes apologizing to me, begging me to stay, saying he was just confused and angry with himself. Now I’m all for forgiveness and since I didn’t think anything took place yet I was willing to work on it.
Well, months went by and it was getting closer for him to leave. He started getting distant and as always with me and I promise to God this is how I always find out… something tells me… hey April, pick up his phone or check his pants pocket, and every time I always find something. This time when I went to grab it as we were just sitting there reading he grabs it and holds on to it for dear life, and won’t let me have it. He says I need to start trusting him. Well, I refused to leave the sight of him or that phone until I had seen what was in it, and he said he’ll show me but I can’t touch it. Well, he had an alternate email hidden in the corner. When I told him to click on it… of course, there were naked pictures and conversations. Heartbroken once again, I left crying. He had no sympathy and just said it’s not that serious; he was getting the last bit out of his system and he was done.
Silly me, I took him back but did not trust him for one second. I kept telling him that these behaviors are gateways and he needs to pull it together and stop. Well, after that we were okay for a month. Then I started noticing he said he was going to the gym and since it was about a ten minute walk from the apartment a little voice said again, walk over and see if he’s there. Of course, both times and just the times I went he had went several others, but both times he wasn’t there and refused to answer his phone.
When he did show up it was late and all he did was avoid me and not care about the gut wrenching cries in the other room as he went to sleep in our bed. A few weeks later he really started being mean and distant. Now this may sound stupid but honestly, he isn’t a mean person; he’s actually overly happy all the time, has A.D.D. and is extremely gullible so when he’s mean it’s like I know something happened.
Well, he left the house without warning and was gone for two days. When I finally contacted his sister he was sleeping on their couch. Initially he hung up on me. When I called back he said that he didn’t want to hurt me anymore and is afraid once again that if he goes to Korea he may cheat and doesn’t want to put me through that. But he asked me not to contact anyone and ruin his career “now a sgt” from no rank when I met him because he had been demoted from specialist to nothing. But he said if his career is ruined, let it be him and not me. So immediately I was heartbroken once again, with all the back and forth. I didn’t even want to get out of bed and take my finals because I was so hurt. But I did.
Eventually he called and asked if I could bring his things. I packed up all his clothes and drove over there. When I got there he acted all cocky but then said we need to talk. That led to him coming home and apologizing.
Now a week later I made up a lie because something didn’t feel right. I told him I made an appointment, which I did, because I had some female issues that weren’t normal. Well, I had the appointment and made them check me for STD’s. I had no symptoms but something told me to do it. When I got home I told him that they felt like it could be something and if it comes back positive he was going down so if there was anything he needed to tell me he’d better do it now. He lied for the first five minutes and then finally said he received oral from some girl off the Internet the weekend he left.
Now I was officially done, so I thought. This led to me bashing him with words every day for what he did. The only reason he confessed is because he and only he had some burning going on and thought he had something but wasn’t even man enough to tell me. The same woman who had several surgeries to have another baby and already suffered from pcos and endometriosis and never was able to conceive.
We ended up in counseling for the first time and even counseling was rough because he started to get angry and didn’t want to really own what he did and started talking like maybe he didn’t want me anymore after begging me once again not to leave. Smh. While in counseling I found an sd card hidden on top of a bookshelf and as always over 300 naked photos of women. And all had folders and names. He claimed he forgot it was there. I know he didn’t. We got through that. And for the most part, things seemed to run smoothly. It isn’t like we didn’t enjoy each other, because we did.
We started dating, going bowling, going to movies, and talking which led him to be honest about those nights he wasn’t at the gym. Apparently he was meeting up with a woman at the lake just five more minutes from the gym. I almost went there but always went back home since he had the car and I was always on foot. Because we were in counseling and he told me this on his own, I tried to move forward. Well now here I sit…
My husband has been in Korea for almost exactly a year now. Every month he has been drinking and has spent up all the money. He stopped being intimate with me via video chat about the 4th month. He always had excuses for it. He had a good cell phone plan and we could talk whenever but he would rather go out every weekend. Now at first he didn’t tell me he was going out. He just went M.I.A. to avoid me. No matter how many times I called he wasn’t going to answer. 500 dollars at a time he was withdrawing from the A.T.M. I’m like, what are you doing???
Well, more months went by and it was always the same ol, same ol until I was so tired I said I was done. He said it is what it is and for a week he didn’t talk to me. Eventually he contacted me begging again, saying that he’s depressed there, he’s tired of being there, he misses us… and going out, and alcohol makes him happy. He swears he hasn’t cheated. I know you guys probably are saying …really? Come on don’t be stupid. But i guess I wanted to believe it so bad because I wanted him. I loved him.
I was admitted into the hospital after getting real sick and passing out where I busted my head on the sink. At this time we weren’t talking because once again he got money from me and then went M.I.A. after we got paid. He ended up contacting me, found out I had been in the hospital for four days, my bp was so low and I was so sick the doctors started to really get worried. But by the grace of God I was okay. However, I found out I had Chrons disease. We talked and we were okay.
A few days later as we were video chatting on the computer. I said let me see your messages. Hold your phone up to the camera. Of course he stalled and was not doing what I asked and said he is trying to get to the messages smh so since I knew he deleted stuff I asked to see his gallery since I know he loves pictures. Well, of course he became defensive saying that’s not what I originally asked to see and of course didn’t show me. I hung up in tears and for a week we didn’t talk. He came back begging and begging hard this time saying it was inappropriate joke pictures that people posted that he didn’t want me to see. Now I’m no idiot. I know that’s a lie, but what can I do? I couldn’t prove it so I moved forward.
He started running out of money each month and every time he did of course he was nice to me. I’d wire him money, let him use my personal bank card via the internet to order food. But as soon as we’d get paid he’d go M.I.A. again. I know this story is already long but to sum this up.
This is our last month before he returns. He did the same thing again and disappeared. Spent hundreds of dollars in bars and clubs, went to Seoul, all of this right before he serves his extra duty for two weeks for an article 15. Now I’m mad sending him photos of the bank statements asking him why, telling him I’m done… and his only response was he’s damaged goods and he’s sorry; hopefully he’ll be a better man for a real woman like me one day. I’m like, what? So he’s not even going to fight for me? We were just talking about how excited we were about seeing each other and now this?
We didn’t talk for 9 days and he wrote me on our anniversary saying that it was bittersweet and how it’s sad we won’t make it to 5. Of course I responded upset angry. He’s telling me that we’re just two different people who want the same thing but with two different lifestyles. It’s sad but it’s the truth. When I’m away from you I like to go out, relax, chill not for women, and you don’t like that. He says he feels he has done too much damage to fix and isn’t man enough to fix my broken heart. He goes on to say he still wants this marriage but he has issues he needs to fix first. And it’s time to let this go.
I am beyond heartbroken asking God what did I do; what didn’t I do? Weeks before I get to touch my husband he ends it? My son thinks he’s coming home and he isn’t. I don’t know what to do or think. I prayed that if there were things done that God has seen and doesn’t want me to deal with that he took him away from me. But there’s a part of me so hurt that still wants him.
I haven’t contacted him since that conversation and neither has he. And I couldn’t call if I wanted because apparently that same weekend that caused all of this, he lost his phone too. I keep asking God why he doesn’t want me after all I’ve done; he’s so cold now. His career is going down the drain, he’s always had some PTSD issues, and now he’s seeking help with his depression. But I still can’t understand why he wouldn’t even want to see me after all this time… and it was bad enough he never even came home for a midtour.
I know all of this is long and I’m sorry but I have no one to really talk to. I’m praying God uses someone as a vessel to speak to me his truth and help me to find strength and understanding. Please don’t read this in judgement. Please just pray for me and if anyone knows what I feel or feels God speaks to them for me, please help me.