Nitpicking in Marriage

Nitpicking. We’ve done that to each other in our marriage WAY too many times. Have you? Nitpicking (as defined by author, Sylvia Smith) is “focusing on minor flaws, trivial issues, or insignificant imperfections in one’s partner or the relationship itself. It involves magnifying small mistakes or quirks and treating them as substantial problems.” Sheri Stritof says, “Nitpicking involves pointing out minor faults and devoting too much attention to unimportant details.”

We wish we could say we haven’t done that to each other and that we won’t do it again. But as sinners (who do things we shouldn’t), we probably will. We’ll keep fighting against it though, because we know it’s wrong.

For my part (Cindy) there are days when my husband Steve can appear to do no wrong. He is a pretty great guy and I let him know I think so. Yes, I know, I married “Mr. Right” or “Mr. Wright.” (I’ve heard that line more than a few hundred times in the span of our marriage.)

And truly, I know I have very little to complain about because we do have a GREAT marriage. We’ve worked hard to make it that way and keep working on it. I know what it’s like to have a bad one, because we’ve been there. (You can read more on this in the About Us section of the Marriage Missions web site.)

Nitpicking Him into “Mr. Wrong”

But then there are those days, where I label Steve (in my thoughts, words and actions) as “Mr. Wrong.” That is because it seems like he can do no right. Of course, that’s my perspective on things. To him, he’s just going about his day probably wondering what’s wrong with me. He’s just being his “normal” self —going around, thinking he’s fine, I’m fine, we’re all fine. But on certain days this “normal self” gets to me. That’s when we clash because of our different ways of approaching certain situations and doing things.

As Sheri Stritof says (and we’ve seen it to be true,

“A relationship like a marriage brings together two people who most likely have different habits and personalities. It can be easy to pick apart aspects of your partner that you dislike or don’t agree with. However, this type of criticism does nothing to help the foundation of your relationship.”

And it doesn’t. We’ve seen that up front and personally!

As a matter of fact, we just went through a nitpicking time this morning when Steve wasn’t using a certain hair product in a way that I thought he should. I got irritated at him because “my way” seemed more logical and less problematic; and he got irritated at me because I was irritated. He wanted to do what he wanted to do no matter what!

So, he left the house (to go to a Men’s Bible Study, of all places) in a bit of a snit, and I stayed home going about my morning in my own selfish snit. And THAT didn’t work well for either one of us. How stupid! Thankfully, we worked it through pretty quickly; but it just makes the case that nitpicking can cause all kinds of stupid problems.

Conflict Caused from Nitpicking

Whether I believe Steve should do things differently or not, or whether I’m just being too picky in how I view his actions, the nitpicking definitely doesn’t help. And the same goes for Steve in his approach on our differing vantage points. Putting too much focus on minor issues can blow up in both of our faces. It’s at those points where we have conflict problems.

Now, there can be many different reasons why we nitpick at each other. It may be an off day or we’re just in a bad mood. Or it could be that what our spouse is doing sets off an emotional trigger tied to past events.

Here’s something that Gary Thomas poses about this point to prayerfully consider:

“If you find yourself emotionally reacting out of proportion to a circumstance in your marriage (or parenting, or work, etc.), you might take a step back and ask, ‘What trait is this person traipsing upon?’ Knowing why it hits us so personally can help us choose the healthiest way to respond.”

Another reason we get caught up in nitpicking with our spouse could be because of unmet desires. Concerning this point, Dave Powlison says the following in his article titled, “Getting to the Heart of Conflict”:

“Conflicts arise from unmet desires in our hearts. When we feel we cannot be satisfied unless we have something we want or think we need, the desire turns into a demand. If someone fails to meet that desire, we condemn him in our heart. And we quarrel and fight to get our way. In short, conflict arises when desires grow into demands, and we judge and punish those who get in our way.”

He goes on to write,

“This is not to say that it is inherently wrong to evaluate or even judge others within certain limits. Scripture teaches that we should observe and evaluate others’ behavior. That is so that we can respond and minister to them in appropriate ways, which may even involve loving confrontation. (See: Matthew 7:1-5; Matthew 18:15; Galatians 6:1.)

“We cross the line, however, when we begin to sinfully judge others. This is characterized by a feeling of superiority, indignation, condemnation, bitterness, or resentment.”

We never realized that nitpicking can be an avenue of judging. But now that we think about it, it makes sense! It puts us in the place where we can feel superior over our spouse, on certain issues. That is because we feel indignation when we’re irritated by how the other one of us does or doesn’t do certain things. Sometimes the irritation is well-founded. But other times, it isn’t. It’s just plain judgmental and wrong.

Building Rather Than Tearing Down

Hopefully, waking up to this insight will help us to NOT go down the road to nitpicking as often in the future (or in a “perfect world” —ever). We need these types of reminders sometimes so we can grow away from embracing selfism.

The Bible says, “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.” I was definitely playing the fool this morning. But whether you are a woman or a man, may we NOT be the one who tears down our peaceful homes! As we’re also told in the Bible, “Whoever troubles his own household will inherit the wind…” We sure don’t need that!

To read more, concerning nitpicking and conflict issues, please click onto the following Peacemaker Ministries link, to read what Ken Sande says on the subject: Getting to the Heart of Conflict. He gives you a lot of food for thought and prayer. And we have an article posted in our “Communication and Conflict” topic that can give you further insights, as well. You can find it at:

• NITPICKING CAN RUIN GOOD MARRIAGES

If we have things that need to be said, may we confront our spouse with the mindset that it needs to be spoken in love (no matter how it is received)! And may we stop being vessels of criticism, but rather be dispensers of truth and of grace, reflecting and revealing the heart of Christ, within our marriages!

Just as we put on fresh clothing each morning, may we:

“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” (Colossians 3:12-14)

Hopefully, this is a “thanks Lord, I needed that” Insight and reminder! We all need those from time to time, don’t we?

Cindy and Steve Wright

— ADDITIONALLY —

To help you even further, we give a lot of personal stories, humor, and more practical tips in our book, 7 ESSENTIALS to Grow Your Marriage. We hope you will pick up a copy for yourself. (It’s available both electronically and in print form.) Plus, it can make a great gift for someone else. It gives you the opportunity to help them grow their marriage. And who doesn’t need that? Just click on the linked title or the picture below:

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