What do you do if you’re the one who has done wrong? You have acknowledged your error, but the other person won’t forgive you. Or they say they forgive you, but act like they’re still trying to even the score? Do you have to keep asking for forgiveness? Do you need to beg? What if the other person won’t forgive you?
These are tough questions. Most marriages deal with this problem at some point. It’s relatively easy to restore a relationship when both partners are willing —one willing to seek forgiveness and the other willing to forgive. But when the wronged partner is unforgiving, what can the guilty partner do?
Closed Spirit
First, remember the closed hand. The unforgiving partner has probably closed his or her spirit to you, and you need to find ways of reopening it. This can’t done that by yelling, warning, shaming, or threatening. “You call yourself a Christian? You have to forgive me or I’ll tell everyone at church what you’re really like!”
Will that help to open anyone’s spirit? Of course not. The fist will just tighten further.
You do not want to go on the offensive in this situation. Remember your position. You have done wrong, and you have caused pain. You are now asking a favor. Even if you are both Christians, forgiveness cannot be demanded. Your partner does not owe it to you. You are asking your partner to take a chance on you, a chance to be hurt again. Your partner has every right to have a closed spirit. Now, is there any way to coax it open?
Apology is First
The first attempt is the apology, which you have already offered. Was it sincere? Did you recognize the full extent of your misdeeds? Was it unconditional?
Let’s go to the example of Wilma. Let’s say her apology went something like this: “I’m sorry I threw away your stuff, but you really needed to get rid of it anyway.”
That’s what we call a conditional apology. These usually contain a yeah-but clause in them. If there was any excuse or but in your apology, then go back and apologize more sincerely.
Or you may have used blame shifting in your apology. Kids are especially good at this technique: “I know you told me not to go in the water, but Joey pushed me.” (That’s one I used as a kid.) Even adults use this technique at times: “I know I said I’d be home by 6:00, but my boss wanted me to..”
Take Full Responsibility
While Joey or the boss may have affected your behavior, you still need to take full responsibility for the wrong you committed. “My boss asked me to stay and finish payroll, but I know you told me that you had a doctor’s appointment at 6:00, so I should have called or gotten someone else to fill in for me. I was wrong to come home late today. I know that it really messed up your day, and you have good reason for being angry with me. It is my hope that you will be able to forgive me.” Conditions, excuses, and blame shifting are manipulative. They erode trust rather than restore it.
But what if this has all happened before? You are late for the umpteenth time. If it’s not your boss, it’s the train or the traffic or the terrorist incident that happened on your way home. You have become adept at apologizing with so much practice.
Change in Attitude and Behavior
Do you wonder why you’re not being forgiven? Apologies can lose their effect, after about the tenth or twentieth time. Your partner may be withholding forgiveness because he or she does not trust what you’re saying. That’s why our apologies need to be followed by an attitude or behavioral change. In religious terms, you might call this repentance. You stop the offensive behavior, confess it, and then turn the other way.
This step —repentance —may require some time to demonstrate that you really have changed, such as when Art had to prove to Sylvia that he really could be trusted again. Will your partner’s spirit reopen to you? Maybe. Your only remaining tools are prayer, patience and persistence.
Prayer
Pray that God will open your partner’s spirit, and that He will give you the strength and wisdom to know how to respond.
Patience
When you’re trying to mend fences and your partner is stonewalling, the natural, human reaction is to get mad and resentful. You need patience to continue being nice when you’re getting little or no reinforcement.
Persistence
Don’t continue to apologize, as long as you have done so sincerely. But you do need to persist in your attempts to demonstrate love, concern, and the desire to improve the relationship. This can be done by reassuring hugs, persistent nonsexual touch, and affirming words of encouragement—even if your partner is not as receptive as you’d like.
What if Sylvia didn’t accept Art’s apology after he had been unfaithful to her but felt sorrowful afterwards? And what if she was cold and closed to him for several months? What could Art do to help her forgive him?
Pray First
First, he could pray that God would open her spirit. If Sylvia was willing, they could even pray together.
Then Art would need to show patience, treating her gently and lovingly. He would need to make behavioral changes in order to rebuild trust. But he would also need to make spirit-opening gestures as well. He wouldn’t want to do this in a manipulative way: “Oh, I’ll buy her some flowers and gifts and she’ll get over it eventually.”
Instead he might discuss how he knows that he’s hurt her deeply but that he’s committed to rebuilding the relationship. He might even ask her to give him hand signals from day to day, showing how open or closed her spirit is toward him-a closed fist, a partially open fist, and then a hand which is steadily opening.
Do What Won the Heart at Beginning of Relationship
In a solution-based model, we would ask, “How did Art win Sylvia’s trust during the very beginning of their relationship?” While they were dating, Art paid close attention to her needs, listened to her ideas and concerns, and sent her little cards and notes. They went on special dates, held hands, and exchanged reassuring hugs and kisses. Now Art needs to do all those things that he did to win her over in the beginning.
This article is edited from the book, The Marriage Mender, by Dr Thomas A. Whiteman and Dr Thomas G. Bartlett, published by Navpress. This book gives solution-based tools to begin rebuilding your marriage. With illustrations and exercises, it teaches how to look to the future of your relationship instead of focusing on the past with its problems.
Dr Thomas A. Whiteman is a licensed psychologist who practices with Life Counseling Services in Paoli, Pennsylvania. Dr Thomas G. Bartlett is also a licensed psychologist who practices with Behavioral Healthcare Consultants in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. They both work with troubled couples and have conducted seminars on marriage and divorce recovery through Fresh Start Seminars.
Filed under: Bitterness and Forgiveness
I cheated on my wife with a one night stand in August 2016 after being married for 18 yrs. Now, over 2 yrs later my wife has decided she cannot forgive me and has left me. I am absolutely devastated but feel that I do deserve it. I admitted the one night stand the day after and absolutely regret every aspect of cheating. But we never sought professional counseling to help us get over it. My wife has stayed loyal to me and never sought revenge. Is there any way I can ever get her back in my life?
Wow … this whole article every word seemed like it was plucked from my very head … it is exactly what I have always believed from my very core. Thank you for giving me back my sanity. My ex always made me feel like it was my fault when I told her her apology was not legit because she would say things like “I’m sorry that hurt you when I moved the mattress when we agreed to keep it here but it’s really not that big of deal.” Then I would tell her her apology was not sincere and again she would shift the blame back on me by saying that it’s my fault that I’m unforgiving and never accept an apology. I feel sane again. Thank you so very very much !! 💜😁💕😄
I can relate to this sooooo much! I, too, have thought something was wrong with me because I would not bounce back after an apology that included “but” or something that he considered explaining his side of things. You’re totally sane!
Hello, Thank You for your web site. I’m a 67 year old retired man who got divorced in 2006. I was married 27 years and during that period I was guilty of verbal and physical domestic abuse. I took the divorce very hard and had to be treated for depression and also sought the council of two professional psychologists. There were all kinds of financial issues (credit card debt, and accounts changed to her name only). As many years passed, I often rationalized for my abusiveness because it was obvious she wasn’t being honest with me.
The first psychologist I went to reinforced this belief because he believed the abuser almost always controls the purse strings. The second psychologist felt that the abused spouse often starts living a separate life (out of vengeance or even fear). Regardless, I feel that I have never truly faced how I hurt and harmed her. She is actually a very wonderful lady and I screwed up big time.
The fact that I was abusive bothers me enormously as I think about how bad I was. I feel like writing her a letter or email of apology in some way. My question is, would you recommend this? Is there any recommended way to do this? Is there any recommended reading that would help me here? Sincerely, Jerry
I’m unmarried with children. My partner and I are literally in shambles. From the very beginning of our relationship there was mistrust from him to me. I wasn’t totally out of my very long relationship with my ex when we started talking. And when we were officially together as a couple I went to go see my ex boyfriend. We would talk and cry. It was a mess.
Unfortunately, I believed at the time I needed to give my current boyfriend a chance, even though I was still dealing with my feelings from my ex…needless to say two years ago I cheated on my current boyfriend with my ex. I’ve never felt a true connection of being in love, intamcy or respect in my current relationship. We have a home and two children…and he’s miserable and I feel completely trapped!! I need help…
I am a porn addict and a compulsive liar. I have been sober from porn for 2 months. I havent lied in 1 month. I am in therapy. I go to Sexaholics anonymous. I took Christ as my Lord and Savior. I go to church as often as I can. I pray and meditate EVERY DAY. I treat her with kindness, respect and do all the things a good husband should.
All I have to do is stumble just the least little bit and it’s as if all the good that I do is wiped away. I have tried to get her into therapy…and she went 5 times and quit. She said it wasn’t helping. She also said that she does good as long as I do good. That’s a lot of pressure to be absolutely perfect. It’s just not possible. I dont know what to do anymore. This hurts so bad and I frequently idealize death….NOT suicide, just death.
I married a porn addict. I saw how it consumed him. After a few years I committed adultery in revenge. Every time I found videos, I cheated. Now, after thirty odd years, we’re free from our addictions, but the marriage is in such a mess. We despise each other. Forgiveness is easier said than done. We’ll never trust each other again, I’m afraid.
I feel for you. I know how addiction consumes us. Prayers for freedom.
I have been married to my wife for just over 2 yrs and started going on dating sites and sending naked pictures! My wife finished with me and then I said I never loved her or even liked her out of anger! I have been trying to have her forgiveness for 2 yrs and she always brings up the fact that I said I never liked her or loved her! I never meant it.
I’m praying for forgiveness everyday! Is there anything I can do to prove to her I never meant it and love her more than anything in the world?
That’s tough! Good luck to you. You have to keep showing her in ways that you love her. Not just say it.
I met my wife when we were almost 16 (now 38). I felt we were meant to be because of how our parents knew each other since we were both in our mother’s bellies seeing the same doctor and delivered by the same doctor just 11 days apart.
She had a boyfriend and I was trying to secretly win her over. We fooled around behind his back and after 3 years we finally started dating in 2001. Unfortunately, I started off wrong, by getting another girls phone number that same night we became official. What was my then girlfriend’s response? She had sexual relations with someone who has been trying to get her to fall for him along with alcohol and drug abuse. We finally made up and started making great memories together. We got married in Jan 2007. Nothing big, just two love birds in front of the judge and off to work we went. We were married!
We started the idea of starting a family and I kept reassuring her that I would NOT be like my father. My father cheated on my mother (my parents are both happily married still and are always together) and had another family. I saw pain in my mom’s eyes and I suffered as well. For as long as my wife and I have known each other I would fall into a sudden depression and say how bad my childhood was and would never put my wife and future children though the same pain. My wife disliked my dad for this. I never approached my dad nor mom about the whole situation and never had closure in my own childhood pain until recently. I never really hugged my dad and told him “I love you” until recently.
I always reassured my wife I would not put us through the same hell my dad put my mom, siblings and I through. Unfortunately, I failed at my promise to protect them from the same pain my mom and I went through. I have had a flawed character of always being friendly to everyone including females and sadly showed that my personal barrier was weak. I was many times secretive, always selfish, vain, and arrogant. I never saw this until recently after reflecting.
I disrespected my wife 5 years ago when having what I felt was a friendship without her knowledge. It nearly broke us apart. I had a relationship with another woman for 3 years with majority of it being digital with sexual images and verbiage being exchanged. I had 3 sexual encounters with this individual around the beginning of when this all started. During those 3 years of my own personal hell and weakness I exchanged explicit photos with 3 other women, in which one was a “friend” of my wife and another someone whom was around our house with friends. I had 3 other women attempt to do the same and I simply didn’t react, but also never disconnected myself from them.
At the beginning of the year I had another “friendship” or so that is what I thought it was with someone who I texted back and forth with almost everyday and eventually became my employee. All communication non-work related has stopped. My so called best friend and godfather to my children was aware of some of my behavior and at times seemed to push me on instead of slapping me around to get my head straight. Not only did I disrespect my wife and kids, but so did he and I allowed it.
It all came to light late April 2020. I wasn’t immediately up front and honest and she had to search and dig for stuff on me and I would confess to what she found. I have been completely honest since it all has come to light. Why did I do what I did after even I went through the same growing up? I don’t know. I love my wife. She is my soulmate and my rock. I love our children. Without their laughter, smiles, and I love you my days would be nothing. My life would have no meaning without my family. Yet, I failed to protect them from evil. I failed to protect them from allowing such temptations and evil from entering my soul and damaging such beautiful family I had.
I have done so many things different around the house. Things I only thought I was doing but never did. My wife and kids now depend on me not only financially taking care of them, but that I take care of their every single need. Something as a father and husband I should have always been doing. I cook, clean, groceries, laundry, listen to every single word my kids have to say (and our son has a huge imagination).
Now comes the other ugly side of things. Although I am still here with my family, my wife is trying, but not forgiving. My wife has had 2 sexual partners that I know of since. One was multiple times and another once. She has had or has an attraction to another male from her job to which she has told me she has exchanged explicit images with around Aug and Sept. She claims she has stopped. I have sought a counselor though my employer and have had counseling since, and I have suggested with my wife to do the same. She refuses and chooses to let all the anger out on me verbally and physically. Yes I stabbed her heart and back. I’m left with bruises, scratches, black eyes, and busted lips. And yes, my kids notice these things.
She recently almost left the house to a so called male friends house, but when I let her know she was abandoning her kids just as I had she didn’t leave.
We have wonderful moments where we are inseparable, but there are moments that are full of anger and violence. Our kids will yell at us, “I love you mommy and daddy!” from the other room or will walk up to us to get our attention. I acknowledge them and walk away from the arguments.
We both have wronged each other and both have wronged our family. I acknowledge that and accept my wrongdoings and complete failures, but she has yet to accept that she has done and still is doing wrong. She goes from forcing me to leave to holding me tight and telling me that she loves me, needs me, and doesn’t want me to leave, but not forgiving me. Have I forgiven her? From the day she told me she had stepped out herself I let her know that my love for her will always allow me to forgive her. We are Catholic, but haven’t been practicing our faith this year. We do gather for breakfast and dinner as a family and say our prayers as a whole, but not sure if her heart is in it. I am trying to have hope and faith that a light will shine in her where we can come to forgiveness and work on becoming one again. Trust has been broken, but I am holding on to it not being lost forever.
I love my wife. I love her as my wife, partner, a woman, mother of our children, a friend, and human. Without her I am nothing because I wouldn’t be where I am without her. I love our babies. I will protect my family from everything and everyone including her and myself. I know I was in the complete wrong and welcome any outside opinions. What happens is in God’s hands. I hope and pray for a light at the end of our dark time. I ask for all the prayers for my family to help us heal.
I have nothing but Contempt and Hatred for my ex-Wife. Daily I wish for her death. I CANNOT FORGIVE HER; I Won’t forgive her. She’s dead to me in all areas.
After discovery day, what if everything done above is not moving the fence? Touch is out of the question. Any show of compassion or caring makes it worse. Any mention of God is unforbidden unless from the hurting partner. Any sign you are getting better makes the partner worse and entrenched in their pain and anger. When the partner says the only thing keeping you here is God because if it was up to them and their will you would be gone?
It’s been 2.5 months and nothing has been decided or moved forward in their mind. It’s like an endless loop with no resolve, forward progress, or compass/direction. Partner views pain as a good thing to stay in and to honor other family members. Partner doesn’t want couples counseling until they’ve decided to move forward or call it quits. Decision even to divorce or work on the relationship is stagnant, which doesn’t allow the spouse that offended to recover from addiction fully. Offended partner says no one knows my pain and understands it; I don’t have a timeline or a direction that I’m heading; you’ll have to deal with my anger periodically.
After 2.5 months, I would think things would be moving towards getting to the starting line. Either quit the relationship or start working on the marriage. Partner refuses to be a part of the recovery process while in the quagmire. Every other weekend away isn’t helping the healing process. Staying is just making it worse on both and the family. Relationships outside of the couple are stressed because of indecision of the most basic sense. What then?
I’m a wife with 2 kids. My husband cheated several in fact countless times, made it seem like my fault. He brutally beat me up, choking me, attempted to stab me a few times, told me he would kill me, disrespected me with his family calling me names, locking me put of his home with his sister’s right there. He drank his entire salary month to month, tried to get me fired from work every time we argued or he lost his job. By the way, he lost his jobs due to lying and cheating meaning he wouldn’t show up for work instead booked hotels with women.
I got pregnant and the pregnancy almost killed me. I could barely walk at 2 months, He took all our money and booked a motel with his sister’s friend. He would hide my purse so I wouldn’t be able to get to work. He poured water all over me just before I’d leave for work. He’d follow me and drag me home so I wouldn’t work when he lost 1 of his jobs. He allowed his friends to scream at me and he stole money from me constantly. He’d leave our kids alone, very young kids, to go to his sister’s or drink or a girl friend.
I told him I wanted a divorce, which surprisingly shocked him! He begged, pulled stunts until eventually called in his family to help. We are very strict about divorce both culturally and religiously so I didn’t continue with it.
He found God and has changed drastically but just because he’s changed, doesn’t mean I haven’t. I’ll never love him again; when I look at him I see pain. I mostly hate him. I never go to his family because he closed that door for me and my kids and now just wants me to all of a sudden be okay with them. He’s not the same in anyway and I’m not either. I keep telling God how much I hate my husband.
I begged my husband for space because staying with him doesn’t help the forgiving cause he’s a constant reminder of my fears and deepest pains and he believes we shouldn’t because it’s not Godly. He doesn’t get it; I hate him more daily. I regret every thing about him … I regret marrying him, being with him. I fantasize about running away and never coming back and I told him this. If I were to get a chance, I’d leave and never look back.
I’ve become verbally abusive, angry, hateful, and selfish. I don’t want this anymore and he doesn’t get it! In order for me to want sex with him, I get high. That way I don’t feel violated; his soft touch always reminds me of him pulling me across our home, choking me. His sweet words remind me of when he told me he hated me worst of the day he told me he loved his sister’s friend. His body reminds me of his strength when he broke the windows and doors to get in so he could hit me.
God changed him. But I’m not God and I can’t let go. 2 yrs after I told him I wanted to leave, and I feel trapped still. I’ll never love him the way a wife should love a husband. He killed me from the inside out. I can never love him again.
The judgement God will pour out on him is worse than anything else. He may not have fully experienced God’s rebuke and chastening, and just wants to feel good inside and make it look as though he changed. This is hard, but… Ask God for the strength to forgive him. Ask God for the desire to forgive, and to love once again with an honest love. Like I said, this is not easy, but it starts with asking God first. I want to help, and I am willing to respond.
Psalms 103:13 KJV
Like as a father pitieth his children, so the LORD pitieth them that fear him.
You should leave, separate. It’s better for you and your mental health. What he has done is unforgivable. I’m thinking about the physical abuse. Leave him and live a new life. But you need to heal yourself first.
I will.
I have been married for almost 21 years and have been with my husband since 1993. I have said hurtful things during these years due his narcissistic personality. He started to reach out to ex-girlfriends to have someone to pay attention to him. Last year he reached out to one and started an affair. He revealed this to me 3 weeks ago. I told him that I was willing to work it out, but it seems that the hurt I caused hurt too much and he will never be able to be intimate with me.
He thinks that working on his relationship with our girls should be first instead of ours. He told me that God hates divorce, but it would be a slap to His face if we stayed together for the wrong reasons. Not sure what that means. What do you do with a spouse who preaches the Gospel to everyone, everyday, but does not know what the future holds for our marriage and is not willing to talk to anyone? He seems to care more about others than me! I currently feel I am limbo!
So sad for you that you are experiencing this in your marriage. I pray you are able to curb your tongue and your attitude in such a way that you treat your husband respectfully now and in the future. Sadly, too many of us learn too late and cause damage. (I also caused problems in our past. Thankfully, we have worked through my and our past sinful behavior.) This is true for you, and true for your husband. You shouldn’t have treated him like you did, and he shouldn’t have had an affair. I pray the Lord works within both of you to do what it takes to rebuild your marriage so it’s a good one–one that is good for both of you and for your children.
I just read a statement from Drs Les & Leslie Parrott that seems to apply to your situation. They talked about the importance of making a marriage emotionally safe by stabilizing it. They said, “A stable relationship is a building block for emotional stability. Volatile relationships are, by their very nature, emotionally unstable. If you and your spouse regularly fight or experience misunderstandings due to poor listening skills or a lack of empathy, then your relationship is likely experiencing some instability. Walking on eggshells around one another or being off-balance all the time will keep you from feeling fully safe with one another. Work on stabilizing your relationship and cultivating more peace so that both of you feel more comfortable being vulnerable. It can be a challenge to break long-standing patterns, particularly if you haven’t experienced lasting peace in the past, for whatever reason. Calming the chaos can help you build emotional safety, though, so take it one day at a time and work together to lower the volatility in your marriage.” And that’s the important word here… WORK TOGETHER to get to that place in your marriage where it is healthy and loving.
It always troubles us when we hear people say, “God hates divorce” but they forget that He also tells us we MUST forgive, and they forget that marriage is a living picture of Christ’s love for His church. So when we don’t “live a life of love” with each other as we’re told to do in Ephesians 5 and other parts of the Bible, what do we think God thinks about us treating each other in opposite ways? God wants us to be good parents… yes. But He also wants us to treat each other in ways that reveal and reflect His love. THAT’S what truly good parents, as well as followers of Christ are supposed to do. I’m going to give you a few quotes below that I encourage you, and your husband (if he is willing) to prayerfully consider. I pray they help:
– “The greatest thing you can do for your kids is to love each other well. Make loving your spouse a high priority.”
– “Your children are watching you. What you do leaves a more lasting impression than what you say. Those who stick together and work out those tough interpersonal problems are teaching their children invaluable lessons about life and modeling how they should persevere in their own marriages one day.” (Phil Downer)
– “Kids are always watching their parent’s marriage and yet too many marriages underestimate the power of modeling! Children are taking daily recordings of what a marriage looks like, and those recordings are definitely influencing and shaping their view of marriage. So, live your marriage wisely to make sure the message you are sending your kids is the message you intend to send.” (Doug Fields)
– “We have a generation of children today who desperately need to look into the eyes of Mom and Dad and see two people deeply in love with each other, committed to one another for life and honoring God in their relationship. If you have children, make sure your children know and see your love regularly. Make the marriage they see in you the same type of relationship they’ll want one day for themselves.” (Dennis Rainey)
– “You can’t erase all that your kids witnessed when they were growing up. But you can still demonstrate the difference Jesus makes in a marriage when we re-surrender our lives to him, orient ourselves once again around loving him and then loving each other, choose to make our marriage more of a priority, and pray that we can give our children and grandchildren an inspiring picture of mature love. Whether your children are still at home or now just occasionally come to visit, more than they need a hot meal and clean sheets, they need to see the power of a God-centered, God-empowered mature love. We might wish we could have done better for our children in years past, but we can create a certain kind of marriage that will be the only kind of marriage our grandchildren will ever know we had, the kind they will celebrate and remember long after we’re gone.” (Gary Thomas)
As we pray for you and your husband… “May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5) “And this is my [our] prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ —to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11) “May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!” (Romans 15:5-6)
My wife and I are Christians. A year and a half after I ended my emotional affair and numerous apologies and true repentance my wife refuses to forgive me and will not let go of the anger. It’s still as present as it was on D-Day. She refuses to get counseling, though I have, thinks all Christian video, articles and even non Christian ones about forgiveness are a load of crap and just does not want to forgive me. I have never done this prior and didn’t even know what an emotional affair was until it was discovered and exposed. She says if I’m or ever was a Christian I would have never done this period. How do I go on? I want to save this marriage or die trying.
Roy, this is so very sad. It’s perfectly understandable that your wife has felt extreme anger, and all types of horrible emotions because of your betrayal against her. But by continuing to hold onto unforgiveness it just multiplies the pain of it all. Plus, it prolongs it. And what’s saddest of all, is that she is hurting HERSELF the worst in all of this, as she holds onto this raging fire. God has good reasons for telling us to forgive each other. He knows that it hurts the victim worse than anyone else if they aren’t able to release their “right” to feel hurt and angry, and give it to Him. Jesus did, and so should we.
The questions that comes to mind are: Is this how she would want God to treat her with her sin? Does she want Him to keep accusing her, and devaluing her when she is truly repentant? And does she want Him to prolong this unforgiveness with no end in sight?
And then the question comes to mind is: if she doesn’t value what other Christians say about all of this, what about what God’s Word says about it? The following words are not mine, nor yours, but God’s, as written in the Bible: – “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32) … “And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.” (Mark 11:25) … “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9) … “But if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” (Matthew 6:15) … “Then Peter came up and said to him, ‘Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.'” (Matthew 18:21-22) … “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” (Matthew 6:14-15) … “Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven.” (Luke 6:37) … “Bear with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgive each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” (Colossians 3:13)
Yes, your wife has been grievously hurt. There’s no doubt! It’s as if she has been stabbed in the heart. But she will only prolong and intensify the pain until she is able to do what God tells her to do … forgive. She needs to let go, and let God help her to face the future without dragging the past along with her.
I pray for her, and I pray for you. May you both find His peace, as you do what God would have you do. I pray you are able to “save this marriage.” It’s SO worth it! Pray for your wife, walk in humility, ask God for wisdom as to what to do with this, and persevere in doing good. Hopefully, prayerfully she will quit prolonging this nightmare and will step into the emotional and spiritual freedom that God has waiting for her and for you, as she and you walk this difficult journey. “May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5) And as you walk in God’s love, “May mercy, peace, and love be multiplied to you.” (Jude 1:2)
Thank you, you have conveyed exactly my thoughts about it and what I needed to hear. That’s very comforting to me.
I can only hope God will reveal to her this point you made: “Is this how she would want God to treat her with her sin? Does she want Him to keep accusing her, and devaluing her when she is truly repentant? And does she want Him to prolong this unforgiveness with no end in sight?” If I tell her that myself, it will be met with anger. Until He convicts her of that and she can come to terms with truly forgiving, this is going to be a life sentence for both of us. But I’m the one who made the mistake, so I deserve this and will have to accept it.
Like I said I want to rebuild this marriage or die trying. For the last 21 months I’ve put everything into the rebuilding part through prayer, repenting, acknowledging my failures, apologizing, listening and devoting all my time, energy, and care to my wife and our marriage and will continue to, but all signs point to the “die trying ” conclusion. Because of this, I will admit, sadly, that at times, my faith is a little shaken when certain things I read in the Bible are different than the actual reality. But I pray the Lord grants me the ability to believe what scripture says regardless of the reality.
Thank you for your prayers, I appreciate it more than you know. Please continue to pray for us and my faith, that God will grant me the strength to continue through this valley and will give me the patience to wait on Him no matter how long it takes, and that His will is to restore our marriage. Above all, pray that the Love and mercy of Christ will comfort and heal my wife’s pain.
You can’t demand forgiveness – which is effectively what you are doing. You also can’t command the body TO forgive – maybe she really wants theoretically to forgive you but quite simply can’t. 18 years is a LONG time to then have that happen.
The real question is – would you have forgiven or forgive her? That may give you the answer to your question.
Thank you very much for this practical instructions. My marriage is 9years old. My husband has been hurt by family members and he keeps recounting the hurts almost on daily basis. I thought I was immune from his unforgivingness as his wife.
And that is where I missed it. The things I saw as little things that could have been discarded with simple “I am sorry” have pilled up to become a big giant closing his heart with bitterness and anger towards me.
I love him, and I literally wallow in regrets of what I shouldn’t/should have said or done. I have prayed and still praying about it all BUT from your write up, I have realized that I was wrong in my approach. I have not been very honest with my apologies ( because I believed he should let go once I throw “I am sorry.” I easily forgive and forget if he hurt me” and also expected that from him), so my apologies have been like a demand.
Secondly, my prayers have been that God give him a forgiving heart (this, I now realized was not the right tone as it sounds condemning,)
Finally, I have not been persistent or patient, in fact I literally lash out each time I feel frustrated from all these). Thanks to your article, I realise most of my errors and will work on improving myself by the help of the Holy Spirit.
Kindly add any advice that might be helpful.
( Mine is a distant marriage, he is not always around due to the nature of his work, it’s been 3 years now that we last saw each other).