Are you dealing with a Passive Aggressive spouse? If you are, you’re probably pretty desperate to find help in dealing with this issue. That is because it’s one that is certainly perplexing, to say the very least!
It’s difficult to deal with someone who seems to have such a slippery way of doing things. He or she can appear to be passive, but then does things that contradict that stance.
First of All, Please Note: We’re going to address the issue of living with the passive aggressive spouse. But some of the quotes and articles we link to will single out one gender or the other. Please don’t overlook the advice that is given just because you may be dealing with the other gender. Pray, read, glean, and adapt the advice given, if it’s necessary. The advice is still good, whether it pertains to the husband or the wife. We hope this will be helpful one way or another.
Communication not clear
“The passive aggressive will say one thing, do another, and then deny ever saying the first thing. They don’t communicate their needs and wishes in a clear manner. They expect their spouse to read their mind and meet their needs. After all, if their spouse truly loved them he/she would just naturally know what they needed or wanted. The passive aggressive withholds information about how he/she feels. Their ego is fragile and can’t take the slightest criticism. So why would they let you know what they are thinking or feeling?” (Cathy Meyer, from article “Passive Aggressive Behavior, a Form of Covert Abuse“)
Does this sound familiar? Most likely, if you’ve dealt with someone who is passive aggressive… and it’s frustrating. But how is passive aggressive defined?
Passive-aggressive:
Pertaining to behavior in which feelings of aggression are expressed in passive ways as, for example, by stubbornness, sullenness, procrastination, or intentional inefficiency” (from Medicine.net)
Medline Plus gives this insight:
“Some common symptoms of passive-aggressive personality disorder include:
- Acting sullen
- Avoiding responsibility by claiming forgetfulness
- Being inefficient on purpose
- Blaming others
- Complaining
- Feeling resentment
- Having a fear of authority
- Has unexpressed anger or hostility
- Procrastinating
- Resisting other people’s suggestions.
“A person with this disorder may appear to comply with another’s wishes. They may even demonstrate enthusiasm for those wishes. However, they:
- Perform the requested action too late to be helpful
- Perform it in a way that is useless
- Sabotage the action to show anger that they cannot express in words.”
Cathy Meyer gives even further insight:
“Passive aggressive behavior stems from an inability to express anger in a healthy way. A person’s feelings may be so repressed that they don’t even realize they are angry or feeling resentment. A passive aggressive can drive people around him/her crazy. And they can seem sincerely dismayed when confronted with their behavior. Due to their own lack of insight into their feelings the passive aggressive often feels that others misunderstand them. Or, they feel they are holding them to unreasonable standards if they are confronted about their behavior.
“…If you confront the passive aggressive he/she will most likely sulk, give you the silent treatment or completely walk away leaving you standing there to deal with the problem alone. There are two reasons for confronting the passive aggressive. One, if done correctly you may be able to help him/her gain insight into the negative consequences of their behaviors. Two, even if that doesn’t happen, it will at least give you the opportunity to talk to him/her in a frank way about how his/her behavior affects you. If nothing else you can get a few things ‘off your chest.'” (from article Passive Aggressive Behavior, a Form of Covert Abuse).
Glean Through Info for Passive Aggressive Spouse
In the above mentioned article, Cathy Meyer then goes on to give “some ways you might approach your passive aggressive.” You may find it helpful to read the entire article, including ways to approach your spouse.
• PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR, a Form of Covert Abuse
Here are a few other things you might find helpful to read, concerning this type of behavior. Then click onto the links after the quotes to learn more:
“Passive-Aggressive people don’t usually like the aggressive posture over any issue. They’ll rather say, ‘Yes’ when they already know what they are going to do. The yes is to get their aggressive spouse out of their face. Rather than speak up their concern on an issue they keep quiet. But their displeasure is displayed in their behavior. He/she might walk around the house banging the door after them, react to their spouse with short sentences, or act to sabotage their spouse to get even or get back at them. You never really know what’s on their mind. When they say yes, as a spouse, you watch if that yes is really yes or yes —get out of my face. Or it may be yes —I already know what I want to do.” (From the Christiancouples.org” article, “Home Improvement Series XXXVIII – Wired Uniquely?“)
The Passive Aggressive Spouse is Hypersensitive to Criticism
From the Couples Institute, Peter Pearson, Ph.D writes:
“Passive-aggressive people are typically hypersensitive to actual or perceived criticism. This is especially true when they don’t follow through with promises. Here’s the kicker. They have great gobs of good reasons for not following through with crucial agreements.” (From the article, “Does Your Partner Drive You Nuts? … The Passive Aggressive Personality”)
It’s a Crazy World
As a spouse, you are “doomed” if you get angry. The same is true if you say nothing. “Welcome to the crazy world of the passive aggressive partner” says Dr Peter Pearson, who claims to battle with this disorder himself. He writes:
“The passive aggressive person generally feels they are under assault .And no matter what they do, they cannot please their partner. …The other partner believes they cannot depend on the passive aggressive mate to reliably follow through. Even if I am 80% reliable, as I would sometimes point out to [wife] Ellyn, she has no idea what the 80% will be or when it will be completed. This screws up the logistical part of being an effective team which supports being an effective couple. So what causes this aggravating problem that painfully affects both partners in different ways? Most passive aggressive folks have two things in common:
1. “A highly critical parent or parents. This can cause a high sensitivity to being judged on performance.
2. “A lot of painful disappointments in life. This results in a reflexive coping mechanism that severely restricts their hopes and desires in life. Minimizing desires is a subconscious attempt to avoid getting hopes up and then dashed. This triggers a warehouse of painful disappointments stored in the emotional brain.” (Peter Pearson, Ph.D, from his article, “Does Your Partner Drive You Nuts? …The Passive Aggressive Personality”)
Certain Triggers can Activate
Continuing on, Deborah Ward offers this insight as well:
“Certain situations will tend to activate passive-aggressive behaviour. This includes circumstances in which the person’s performance will be judged. Or he thinks it will, says therapist Jay Earley, Ph.D., such as in the workplace. Similarly, any situation where the passive-aggressor has to deal with authority figures, such as bosses, parents, teachers, community leaders and even spouses, will often trigger an indirectly angry approach. “…Passive-Aggressive personality disorder develops as a result of a combination of genetics and environment, says Earley. Essentially, this person feels that aggression is not allowed and to survive, he has to express his anger indirectly and defeat others in the only way he feels he can.” (From the article, “Causes of Passive Aggression”)
How Do You Deal With a Passive Aggressive Spouse?
There are other reasons, you can be sure. But whatever the reason, or excuse, how can you deal with it? If you are a passive-aggressive spouse, therapist Jay Earley, Ph.D., offers these further suggestions for creating a healthier attitude:
- “Become aware of the underlying anger and resentment that is causing your behaviour.
- Be aware of your desire to defeat others, get back at them or annoy them.
- Become aware of your need to fail in order to get back at others.
- Work on allowing yourself to be just who you are. Or work on feeling that you are okay as you are, that your sense of worth doesn’t depend on other people’s opinions
- Work on expressing your anger and standing up for yourself.” (From the article, “Healing and Dealing with Passive-Aggression“)
Additionally, Concerning the Passive Aggressive Spouse:
Here is some advice from Drs Les and Leslie Parrott that could help you, as well:
“It hurts deeply to accept that your spouse has passive-aggressive tendencies and might not always have your best interests at heart. Once you’ve come to terms with the dynamic in your relationship right now, start taking steps to set boundaries that protect yourself from further passive-aggressive behaviors.
“Depending on the extent of the issue, you may have to start being selective about what you share with your spouse. Deep thoughts, feelings, and aspirations might not be safe to express. You know your spouse best, so use your judgment going forward. You may find that only certain topics need to be off-limits, rather than a broad change to your communication.” (From their article, “5 Ways to Cope with a Passive Aggressive Spouse”)
Dealing with the Passive Aggressive Spouse
Now, if you’re dealing with a husband who inflicts this behavior upon you and your marriage:
“How are you going to stay clear, calm and connected with a passive-aggressive man? It will not be easy. But it can be done. You must master a few strategies. ‘First, understand passive-aggression. You cannot remain clear and calm if you don’t understand what is happening. If you remain reactive, you’ll be dancing from one encounter to another. Notice what is happening. When and where do you get hooked? What does he say that provokes you into snapping back aggressively? Notice these patterns and determine to remain clear about what is happening. Second, determine to be active, not reactive…'”
And the list and explanations go on. To learn more on this behavior and some strategies to help you live with your passive-aggressive spouse, please read this Growthtrac.com article, written by Dr. David B Hawkins:
• LIVING WITH A PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE MAN
And then concerning passive-aggressive wives, Paul Coughlin writes about:
Additionally, here is an article that addresses both husbands and wives:
• IS PASSIVE AGGRESSION DESTROYING YOUR MARRIAGE?
The next question we’d like to address is:
“How do women love passive-aggressive husbands?”
Question Addressed:
“First, understand passive-aggression. You cannot remain clear and calm if you don’t understand what is happening. If you remain reactive, you’ll be dancing from one encounter to another. Notice what is happening. What does he say that provokes you into snapping back aggressively? Notice these patterns and determine to remain clear about what is happening.”
Now, it’s relevant to know that the list goes on to make 11 additional points to help wives who are living with a passive aggressive husband. But many of these points can also be applied to husbands living with a passive aggressive wife. The principles given can pertain to living with a passive aggressive spouse, no matter what the gender is.
To learn more, it’s important to read:
• HOW TO LOVE A PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE HUSBAND
And lastly we encourage you to read these articles written by Drs Les and Leslie Parrott:
• SHOULD I CONFRONT MY PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE SPOUSE?
• 5 WAYS TO COPE WITH A PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE SPOUSE
In conclusion, I realize this article is not exhaustive in the information it gives concerning the passive aggressive spouse. If you are dealing with a passive aggressive spouse, keep asking the Holy Spirit to guide you to healthy information that will work for you in dealing with this marital issue. And then keep on the look-out, for what He brings your way.
Above all, may the Lord help you, as you put your hand into His for guidance.
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
If you have additional tips to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Communication and Conflict
Hi, I’m a totally drained out person. My boyfriend showed to be a passive-aggressive based on all my readings about this issue. He approached me crazily and was so “in love” with me that I ended up integrating him in my life, heart, mind, family and all. We had plans for the future etc. He showed to be so nice by words and care, but deep inside I was always feeling a sense of selfishness and stinginess as if all he was giving was only from the surplus he had. And my judgement was based on several details and of course, plenty of times, I received the silent treatment while communicating my ideas, thoughts or feelings, but back then I thought it was him or this would change. Not to mention the many wonderful promises and even ideas and perceptions of his that showed to change 180 degrees afterwards!
Point is an important incident occurred and his reaction was so disappointing to me that I exploded in anger and maybe I hurt him. But that was a reaction towards a very unreasonably passive response from his part, which I could not comprehend! And that was the point of inflection of this relationship! He became another person, always defensive and detached from me, which KILLED ME! I was shocked because I thought things were deep and that we would hold onto each other no matter what! Conflicts are part of a relationship but must be resolved, which he could never never do!
At the beginning, he called me every 2-3 hrs daily. He stopped communicating and since then all common sense flew away! All that I saw right was wrong to him and vice versa. I was accused all the time I was the bad one in his opinion and not to mention that he was never wrong! Yet all his mistakes, if ever, were only BECAUSE OF ME! I noticed this even when he was in the “in love” mode: if I ever approached him with something wrong I found in him, he manipulated the story to make himself a victim and me the one to blame! Further to this, I found myself at the end in a co-dependent relationship. I found myself following him to beg for communication and he hiding himself and making himself the unavailable guy + I noticed paranoia from his side that whenever I’m around, if I ask a question or show a demand whether kindly, nicely, badly or whatever, he always believed I was criticising him. He was paranoid to criticism and he even said it bluntly! “I can’t hear any criticism anymore”! I can’t deny I have criticized some issues at the beginning, but a regular guy would take these as constructive and this is what used to happen in the past with others and by the way, I also accept criticism if constructive. Beside being passive aggressive, I noticed he could blow up in anger when I stick him into the corner and make it impossible for him to manipulate evidence! Above all this, he never admitted he hurt me while I was crying nonstop alone and Jesus knows the degree of my suffering!
Anyway, there will always be more and more to say. He drove me nuts by his perpetual sarcasm and provocation and as a result, I ended up blowing up and hurting him so he can say “look at yourself, how bad you are!” But of course he never sees the bad things he did or said to me first that drove my reaction! The point is when I felt he was hurt regardless whether he was right or not, I tried to be by his side because I cared. However, HE has NEVER, EVER been by my side even though I told him several times he was hurting me! He didn’t believe he did anyway! And he always ended up blaming me for things that existed in HIM by excellence like being stubborn, angry, provocative, unbearable, etc.. He allows himself to act as such and then blames me for this.
I didn’t heal because I seriously loved someone who apparently never cared for my TRUE feelings. He only wanted me around when I’m happy and sweet, which means for his own needs and comfort. All his old promises and perceptions became “nonsense.” Now when I reminded him of them. And once he said I wanted to dominate him, which was untrue! He said so because I wanted to be a priority in his life and he a priority in mine because I believe in what the Bible says that we should become ONE!!! I was aiming for a DEEP relationship!
In sum, any form of communication never pleased him; any kind of approach didn’t work. He totally blocked and to him I was a monster! I’m praying now hoping that God can help me heal my wounds. I just hope one day he’ll discover his sickness. We broke up of course. BTW, he was 17 years older than me, which should make him smarter and more experienced in dealing with me and not the contrary. He was unable to do concessions, I found myself doing all concessions. And another detail, he is divorced 13 years and couldn’t stay for more than 3 months with his spouse under one roof. I think all this makes sense because he is a PA. Please pray for me to heal because the suffering was so big. Thanks.
I am really thankful to the owner of this website who has shared this great article at at this time.
Just found this website, and I would like to thank you all for you comments. I’ve been marriad for 58 years, and just realised my husband is P. A. It is good that I can put a name to this disorder after living all this time in a lonely, frustrating, and confusing way all this time. I’ve had a horrible life but haven’t been able to tell or explain to anyone what has been going on as everyone thinks the sun shines out of him and yet I’m treated like rubbish. I can now relate to the P.A., and am very pleased about that.
Hello all. At last, after 30 years of marriage I have at last discovered the problems I’ve had to deal with on a daily basis. IT ALL MAKES SENSE! My husband is not only PA, he is also a hypochondriac and a hypocrite, so much so that I can’t bear to go to church anymore. Ironically he’d only go when I went, never without me. Everyone thinks he is such a lovely, considerate, loving husband who “worships the ground I walk on”!
I won’t list the symptoms, but they’re pretty much identical to all I’ve read today. I’m astonished that I didn’t realise this earlier in my life. We have 4 adult children. They battle with the fact that their dad is a wally and childish sometimes. He’s the biggest ‘victim’ in the world, anything anyone has, he wants or envies, even down to presents I get for my sons… ‘Oh, I need one of those phones’ or ‘I can’t believe you’re giving him shirts -I need shirts’!!! (He actually has hundreds of shirts). Anything that goes wrong is NEVER his fault.
He’s willing to waste hundreds of pounds as he knows this upsets me, on tickets to fly abroad only to be wasted due to yet another doctor’s appointment. Only my closest friend REALLY understands what it’s like for me… we do laugh about the antics, but it isn’t really a laughing matter. Other very good friends think he is marvellous, in fact they envy the way he treats me in public. He has perfected the art in disappointing me and letting me down. I’m strong in character, but this is a slow grind, grind, grind. I’m amazed I put up with the behaviour, but thankfully I am NOT ALONE! That gives me SO MUCH relief!! But not much hope. I would leave, but somehow can’t.
The reason for all this is clear as crystal. His father is selfish, dominant, and spoiled. But no excuses. He’s an adult. I’m fed up with it. I shall now look into ways with dealing with it all and let you know. In the meantime, if you have any ideas, tips etc, I’m open to suggestions. Thank you all.
And God, I guess better late than never, eh?
I am a Christian man who has been married to a passive-aggressive wife for 40 years. It has been very difficult because of the absolute incapability (unwillingness?) of my wife to recognize what she’s doing as abnormal and harmful. There has never been even the slightest glimmer of recognition that her attitudes and actions are inappropriate. She cannot be reasoned with on this subject. The feigned comments about a meaningful relationship cover over one in which I am only used and “loved”, like a favorite chair.
Many of the P-A characteristics identified in articles fall far from my wife’s own brand of the disfunction, which are as follows: 99.9% of my wife’s P-A behavior is suffered only by her immediate family. Since our two daughters are now grown and moved out, this means I am now the only victim. Everyone else thinks she is fine.
She is never sullen. She’s always more than ready for verbal conflict, even when it has to be created unnecessarily. Control and domination, rather than compliance with any idea I put forth, are her absolute requirements.
Procrastination and lateness are certainly part of her disfunction, but because they’re easily publically identified as faults, she has reduced these. This only causes more pressure that is released in more private ways. The love I maintain for her is without any expectation of personal intimacy because she makes it impossible.
Thank you Paul, Mark and Brian for you comments. We have a shared understanding of this misery.
I have been beating myself up until I found this website. Understanding, there are people in my husband’s family who are bipolar and schizophrenic, I truly believe I am dealing with someone who is Passive-Aggressive.
For three years, I have tried and thought I was going crazy. This is my third marriage so I felt like this one was ‘It’. He always uses ‘boomerang’ terms on me. In other words, he says things to me he should say to himself. He says, “It’s your way or the highway.” It’s never been my way and if it isn’t his idea, it’s never going to happen.
I threw him out in February and moved all my things out but I went back. We loaded all the furniture back into the house only to have another weekend of misery, silence (him) and he was lying in the bed all weekend. When I talk to him, he calls it bantering. He said all I did was talk for the past three days. He told me all he heard was the word, “I” (as in myself). I am a professional and I did learn how to constructively ‘argue’ years ago by not placing blame on someone else but instead say, “I feel hurt when ____.”
He is a 53-year-old man, still very much controlled by two parents who divorced when he was ten-years-old. He has seldom been able to hold a job while we’ve been together for three years because he starts out with a bang and then fizzles out, making mistakes on the construction site, not getting along with others, and then blames me.
He picked out the house we are living in (barely). It is not a home, it is a partially-remodeled house because anything he started was never finished, nothing.
Understanding you don’t accept explicit language, I do have a blog I started writing my feelings down this past February after I forced him to leave. http://andthehousefelldown.wordpress.com I have a few words in there that might not be acceptable and I do start the post out stating the post has explicit language, mostly slang unacceptable words that someone of my professional capacity probably shouldn’t use freely.
This person I am married to, I feel like he has no heart, no emotions, and when I try to communicate with him, he crosses his arms and stares. It is like I am talking to a table. That is silent abuse. He isn’t always like that, only when he wants to be. That is the problem, there is no congeniality in our relationship whatsoever. I suppose this gives him power.
Our house is falling down [around us], the house of marriage and relationship.
Thank you for having a website that supports marriage. I found this article very helpful and look forward to following the link that you provided.
It’s good to know I’m not the only one in this situation, although it doesn’t make me feel any less ALONE! I’ve been with this man for 43 years and known he is PA for the past 23 years. I have no friends (he made sure of that). My now adult children who grew up in this angry environment have suffered the consequences. Both daughters married to abusers and a very selfish angry son.
I’ve had very poor eyesight for all my life so I don’t drive, which makes me dependent on the PA husband. I, like most of you, had a terrible childhood and am codependent. I left him once for 2 years only to return. I’m 70 years old and feel I’ve lived a miserable life and my last few years will be no better. My husband knows he is PA but that doesn’t change things. I really have lost hope! I appreciate this web sight and wish all the best to all of you!
Posting with heavy heart. Married to P-A for 26 years; two lovely daughters resulted from our union so our marriage can never be considered a mistake.
I was a lazy Christian (God took the seventh day off –why shouldn’t I do the same?!) until a local police officer –an openly Christian woman –was killed in the line of duty. (Relevancy –my husband is a career law enforcement officer.) Woke me up to the fact that I wasn’t serving my family well so I started attending a nearby church with the girls. VBS, AWANA, youth group, communion steward …doing it all. Husband, fairly agnostic, didn’t object …but when he did occasionally attend service with us he was nothing but critical.
Husband’s apathy/disconnection from the family grew to a point that he sequestered himself in the master bedroom when he wasn’t working. He declined counseling, stating that too many personal questions were asked during in-take (via telephone).
I made the exceedingly difficult decision to leave the marriage in a bid to provide my girls with a life of happiness and choices. The girls and I moved out for a period of roughly thirty days over Christmas, and moved back in to the marital home after Husband left. He has not seen them for 144 days and has had no contact with them other than a few text messages.
We’ve been fortified by weekly visits from LDS sister missionaries during this time of strife (we are not Mormon); they have reminded us time and time again that we are loved, both by them and God.
Please pray for my husband, that he may be comforted. And I truly wish the same for you.
Oh my oh my, and as a full-blooded Norwegian I would say “oofta”! I am not jumping up and down that there are soooo many of us in this club, but it’s so helpful to finally get an “identity” to this mess! I chuckled at the person who said he wished he could get a place for all of us! I so smiled at you.
I don’t know if it would be of any help to tell my story, but I absolutely know for sure that none of you would out and out blame me for everything! I want to say this, my prayer life stinks, I’m at 188 pounds and just beginning to understand things at the fun age of 61! I know that God has better for all of us. That’s the truth.
Now how we find and know what’s better I don’t know for you, but for me it has to begin with changing my communication with God. I am going to start there today. In my prayer time I’m seriously going to ask the Lord if there is something I can do to turn this MAJOR problem around. With His help, nothing is impossible.
I really truly will devote energy to pray for you blessed souls. I appreciate any prayers coming this way as I need help also. I am sick in my spirit that this is so wide spread a problem. I have not hung a shingle out, but I truly love to do public speaking where/when God can get the glory. I’m going to get serious with God. The devil has had a may day way too long! Stand strong! Lets put the armor of God on today! Ok?
Hi,
I’ve studied psychology and trained as a counselor. Check out “Epigenetics”. Also check out “Janovs Reflections On The Human Condition”. . . Excellent stuff in there. . . Everything you need to know about the human condition.
Passive aggression is a very good way to ‘survive’. . . That is as long as you don’t infuriate others to the point of assault on you. I’m not sure what potential there is to evolve by such ‘behaviour’ though (!)
It’s ‘parasympathetic’ nervous system dominant. That is ‘rest & repose’ and imprinted in early gestation/infancy. This is the opposite of ‘sympathetic’ nervous system dominant (action stations / forward thinking etc) which is also imprinted early on.
Sometimes people switch between the two without knowing it. Sometimes one starts as one and changes to the other. . . It originates in trauma &/or un-met need, it’s imprinted. . . Normal people have a healthy and integrated balance of both nervous systems.
I’m generally aggressive / sympathetic dominant (hard working grafter / workaholic etc) but as a result of compound traumas I’ve become depressed and a little passive too. . . But I know it. The problem with passive aggressives is that they generally have difficulty perceiving their own condition because they are so ‘down – printed’. They have poor self consciousness due to a massive load of repressed emotion. They may be ‘aware’ of their condition but without those ever so important true feelings, well. . .
I had a 17 year relationship with a very passive aggressive partner. (She has all the money & power by the way). Her catch phrase was “Maybe, Possibly, Might Do, Perhaps”. . . That was funny at first, we used to joke about it. . . then it became the fulcrum of everything in our lives, including our business, (which I became responsible for entirely, particularly when it failed) and our children.
Both of us had much therapy, most of which doesn’t really ‘work’. . . it’s mostly all ‘cheerleading’ (checkout Janov’s Blog). She went into therapy with a budhist nun, feminist, gestalt family constellations therapist who (IMHO) brainwashed her and helped her to ‘re-invent’ herself and dump me. She learned to “act out” assertiveness (her sister used to bully her and I think she has displaced that onto and taken revenge on me). . .
Eventually I had a breakdown and she ended up with ALL the assets. She “asserts” herself randomly and controls me through our children. I have found it’s better to tell her what I think about her behaviour and her motives because I simply cannot cope with the ‘silent treatment’, the procrastination, the denial, the forgetfulness and the totally unconscious way she made the relationship ALL about her and got ALL my colleagues and (so called) friends to tell me the opposite. They all say things like: “So, you see yourself as the victim then”? Idiots!
Her family are cold fish and extremely wealthy. . . She is oblivious and often ‘spaced out’, i.e.: dissociated. Every one apart from her disabled stepson (whom she dumped along with me) and myself, thinks she’s such a sweet and charming (CHARMING) person. . .
My part in this? I was trying to heal my mother and avoid a repeat of my early separation trauma of course. . . I’m not too proud to admit it either. She, on the other hand (She who must be obeyed) has never admitted anything at all nor made a clear statement about her part in anything we ever did together. . . I blamed myself for years and occasionally exploded with frustration and blamed her. . . big mistake there. . .
Beware. . . putting up with this kind of ‘behaviour’ for more than a year could seriously damage your entire life AND all the good memories you have. I did 17 years and it’s still screwing my mind up even after 5 years of separation. If it weren’t for our children I would have NOTHING to do with her at all.
Paul G.
I’m not sure whether my other half is or not. He has NEVER cried (even when his brother committed suicide), which I found odd. He always accuses me of being aggressive. I was always like that at school, to be honest. You have enough crap shoved at you and you blow. Having said that, I am NOT violent. I can mouth off yes, but only when I’m really angry. He always plays the victim. I do EVERYTHING for him. I’m more like a mother than a partner. I live a very secluded life in a country which is very different from my own. I have spent 7 years with hardly any friends. Is it me? rO is it him?
I found this after searching for a reason why my husband doesn’t seem to care that I’m sick. In fact it isn’t surprising to find a feed like this because I had learned that he was PA before we were married. At that time we both read Living with the Passive Aggressive Man. Now four years into the marriage, I’m stunned and confused. My husband acts like we never read the book and that I’m nuts for suggesting that he’s PA at all.
I’m desperate for help because two and a half years ago I was diagnosed with chronic lead poisoning. At the time my doctor said “move”. Instead my husband said he wanted to fix the house. That would have been fine except it never happened. Since then I’ve gotten sicker. The house was assessed by the bank as uninhabitable, and has actually become even more dangerous.
My husband took a job traveling and is in some sort of dream land. He has never expressed any concern for my health and safety. Instead he complains about money he will lose and wants to blame me. I’ve been desperately looking for a way to find another home with no money for the both of us that will help him feel like his cup is full instead of empty. He’s out of the country and I’m trapped in an unsafe place by myself.
He called me last night and I told him about different condos I found online that would be great. His response was to question me about scaffolds that he bought and complain about the money he spent on them. He has never acknowledged the fact that I’m sick. I feel like I’m an unloved disposable slave. He seems to value objects but not me. I’m very sick, been trying to stay positive and find a win/win solution, and he’s still wondering why I haven’t set up scaffolds and fixed the house all by myself. I’ve told him over and over that it’s not safe. Is it hopeless? Do I have to die? Is that for better or worse?
LiesI, I’m so sorry you’re so ill. If your husband is going to continue ignoring your illness, you may need to stay somewhere else. He seems to push and push about the costs of a bad home and has no input about your health. You need to do some inner searching and decide if your life is more important than his avoidance of his responsibilities. “In sickness and health” should be a vow taken seriously.
If you have close family or friends you may have to stay with them until you get a little healthier before you decide a more permanent solution. The fact that you’re this ill can definitely cloud your mind, which could impair your decisions. You need to be an advocate for your health and put yourself first. Best wishes and I pray for your health and recovery.
Liesl, I am also very sorry for the situation that you are in. I agree with Robin, you can not count on or expect a PA to look out for your well being and need to make those decisions on your own. I dont know your situation fully, but if you have family or friends to lean on, I hope you do; I think you need to look out for your health as your number one priority. I have been married to a PA for 30 yrs. We seperated and planned divorce while I was in grad school after 17 yrs of marraige. He was sabatoging my efforts and continued with that after seperation. I graduated without having books and computer with 3.8, but he was sabatoging our kids as well.
He insisted on my staying in our home even though I wanted to sell and share parenting, he refused and I let it go on. Then I had an accident and had to postpone divorce to keep insurance. Things went down hill beginning at this time. I became less independent. A year ago, due to sleep disorder, I agreed to try to work things out. I cannot wake up on my own and it interferes with everything. I have gotten a bit better, but have lost 30 pounds and only weigh 100 and am 5’6″. Today I had surgery for cervical cancer cells and he took me. He left and went to the office when he knew the surgeon would be looking for him. (She will call me tommorrow and tell me how it went).
He is worse than before. He pushed me down last year and said some really bad things. His behavior has broken me down and I am a strong woman. To the PA, I think they are happy for the partner to be broken down in any way they can, mentally, physically, spiritually. I see how it makes him happy to be the positive one with his head in the sand. He eats everything I buy and then leaves me with nothing. He has a dinner lunch out everyday. He has gained my 30 pounds and then some. My situation is not yours, and I am sure you know what is best for you. I knew he was PA when we seperated, I see I have only made it worse for myself. Just praying strength for you to protect yourself.
Dealing with a passive aggressive underperformer who seems to have ZERO desire for insight into their own heart and behaviour is to put it mildly, crazy-making. They tend to have a whiny blame shifting attitutude about everything and see only impossibiliites and barriers. At first when you are in a relationship with them and you have to approach something that needs confronting, they appreicate your respectful and diplomatic drawing them in the right direction. The trouble is, they gladly seem to shift the responsibilty for having to have a moral compass and do their own thinking on to you. It’s a double edged sword because it seems as if you wind up becoming the mom they never had (maybe theirs was a sharp tongued put down artists who constantly invalidated them). They seem to see you as a replacement parent, except that their desire to be “mommied” is at odds with their desire to feel like a man/adult.
So you are in a no win position. Fail to correct their irresponsible behaviour, lack of initiative, refusal to think past their end of their noses, and you have to live with having the whole emotional/social relational load dumped on you. Say something and you’re instantly the critical mommy who should really only be validating them.
Those of us with rescuer tendencies get sucked into this game easily, especially if we had a parent who handed us responsiblity that should have been theirs and leaned on us inappropriately as an emotional confidant. It seems to work the same way in adulthood as in childhood. In childhood if you have an adult who is dumping thier needs, fears and insecurities on you and handing you the responsility to make morally based decisions that affect the whole family, you have just been robbed of your childhood. You’re so busy taking false responsiblty that you have no room for real responsibility and your own growth gets shut down.
In adulthood, if you are busy babysitting a passive aggressive, waiting for them to grow up and think and act, and the whole load of making important decisions, steering the family/marital ship, cofronting sin, caring about truth and integrity etc falls upon your shoulders, you’re in effect off balance and now your own growth and responsiblity goes to the wayside.
Articles like this would be far more helpful if they actually described what proper responsiblity and false responsiblity looks like and gave advice on how to deal with it, how to extricate yourself from taking more responsiblity than you should, from a biblical standpoint and not just a pysch based one. For both parties in such relationships, there is always a payoff of some sort even if we hate being stuck in it. Both sets of behaviours are fear based behavioiurs I’m thinking and the cure for fear is faith; one must get back into that forward faith gear again. Other comments welcome re my comment, iron sharpens iron.
Patricia, your remarks and have been so helpful to me. I keep reaching the end of my rope and thanks to you I am climbing back up once again. :)
Lisa, I just saw this comment almost a year later, sorry! I am glad something I said was helpful to you although I am not sure which aspect it was. I’d be interested to know if you feel like sharing. In the end, getting re-centered on Jesus seems to be what is most important. It’s amazing how things become clear when we get the Jesus part right.
Liesl, don’t know if you will see this comment because you posted last year. For better or for worse means that you stick together as a team through the various things life can hand you. That is very different from dealing with ongoing sinful behaviour that would amount to breaking his covenant with you to love, honor, cherish and protect. Scripture says that if any man provide not for his own, he is worse than an infidel and has denied the faith. Your hubs, if a professing Christian, should be experiencing some church discipline. Correctly practiced and understood, church discipline is actually an intervention. This is what he needs.
As for your health, if you have to go to a women’s shelter, do so! To die in service to someone else’s sin would be a foolhardly decision. Your husband’s behaviour sounds incredibly self absorbed and like a whiny way of shifting the focus on to himself so that he doesn’t have to face the shameful lack of integrity he is acting in. I am NOT saying with any certainly or prophetic insight that this is the case; however it is possible that he is trapped in shame over some sin in his life. That doesn’t mean you feel sorry for him and just keep showing him what commonly gets called grace. God’s grace includes church discipline and it is the power to live a godly life, not an enablement of ongoing sin. This is just a thought but if I were you, I would speak to a pastor who understands things like this and will provide you with church based support to take the appropriate steps after assessing the situation including dealing with him and with the legal/financial situation. Don’t be a frog boiling to death in a pot of water.
Uhg I have been living with this for 21yrs now, took me that long to figure out what was actually happenning. Dumb me… Anyway this is the most difficult thing to live with period!!!!!! They are very hurtful, heartless, careless,and cruel people.:( it is very trying and really plays with your sanity… I have been to counsellors and they tell me to leave him… Run as fast and far away as possible…. Kinda hard to when you have 3 kids and really try to rely on hope and prayers..
I have been living with a PA man for 3 years who would drown himself in alcohol for weeks at a time and blow everyone and everything off. He has humiliated me over and over and seems to have no boundaries when it comes to the levels he will stoop. He seems to have gotten his drinking under control, but his PA actions continue. I never know what is going to set him off.
He has a fractured childhood and overbearing mother who has scarred him for life. He says he loves me and 99% of the time we are all good, but at the drop of a dime he will turn on me. It has felt like we are super compatible because we share so many of the same tastes and ideas, but he turns on me too and claims that he just goes along with me but does not actually agree. I’m left wondering what part of our life together is real and what part is a lie. I’m his emotional hostage and don’t feel loved.
We are engaged to be married, but like every good thing in our life that I generally plan, because he does not plan anything, he finds a way to sabatoge the fun, special times. I am exhausted.
If you feel like you’re exhausted now, just marry him and marry into him taking down all the walls after marrying… you haven’t known exhaustion yet in comparison to what you will experience. Remember, marriage is for life. Are you ready to vow “I do” to a life sentence of exhaustion and tending to his moods? If he changes BIG TIME –the type of one time and then ongoing change that can happen if he allows himself to yield to the leading of Jesus Christ, then you may have a chance of a good marriage. Otherwise I sure wouldn’t marry into this. This is just my opinion, but please be warned by someone who has seen this pattern happen again and again in marriage. The choice is yours.
Please absorb the content of previous response. God does not create doormats and you are guided by God’s desire for you to channel his love not satan’s deceit.
Suzanne that is a profound statement. I lived with a passive/agressive for 25 years – I lived with the deceit of satan almost everyday. It was hell. The term ‘passive/agressive’ does no justice to how abusive and painful it is to be married to one.
Do not marry him. Run! Run as fast as you can! Get out! I wish I had done so.
Please absorb the content of previous response. God does not create doormats and you are guided by God’s desire for you to channel his love, not satan’s deceit.
Don’t let your emotions speak louder than your reason. Put everything in a scale. I am telling this because I was this kind of person who always let my emotions speak out loud. I finally woke up, matured, and I am in a position now where I can balance things out.
I am married with a kid’s pastor, Christian man, minister, who knows more about the Bible than me. He is a PA and I just figured out after doing therapy. The psychologist asked me: Is he passive aggressive? I had no idea what a PA was. So I started searching and I found out that he is! I cannot describe in a short message what I have been through. Many Christians, and I am one them, will not like what I am gonna say. But I have been through hell with him. By the Grace of God things were been revealed and after 10 years I know exactly where I am and with whom I am dealing with.
Hi…what did you decide to do, ultimately? I’ve been married 21 years to a PA who has taken crazymaking to an art form. What really gets me is that he sprinkles the gaslighting and moodiness here and there, interspersed with “normal” periods where he’s seemingly happy. His happiness usually has more to do with success at work than with anything around the house. I have three kids with this man, who he regularly accuses of being “ungrateful” and “disrespectful” simply because their rooms are a mess. They’re just normal teenagers, but everything is about him.
To confront him on his outbursts is only inviting a ton more, as he really knows how to amp it up. He makes all the money, as I’m a stay at home mom, and he loves having all the power. I’m given some cash any weekend that he goes out of town for work. If he’s home, I have to ask for money as well as tell him what I’m spending it on, like I’m a child. He justifies this by claiming we “spend all his money”, like I’m just another one of the kids who can’t operate within a budget.
In the meantime, we’ve lost four homes to foreclosure over the past two decades, and he’s been the only one in charge of the finances (of course, like a good PA, he blames those losses on me, the kids, the market…even 9/11.). He also hasn’t come near me sexually in over 6 years (I’m 49). The one time we attempted counseling, he felt “attacked” and lashed out, telling me that he hates the look of me naked and that I “look like a man” when I’m rolled over in the bed asleep. My counselor had to come find me in the ladies room to comfort me, assuring me that “he can’t possibly mean that” (Oh, he can and he did). We never went back for a second session.
I know I made a covenant with God regarding this man when I married, but I can’t imagine God wants this to continue on like it is, with him intermittently terrorizing the kids with his temper tantrums, controlling me with withholding money and sex, and waiting for the other shoe to inevitably drop (like discovering he lost his job again and we’re going to lose everything …or his Get Rich Quick schemes). We already don’t have insurance, savings, or anything, and I can’t apply for assistance because he didn’t pay our taxes and is hiding from the IRS. So if he gets caught and goes to jail, there goes any hope of him making more income and being able to pay for my kids’ college. (He does extremely well when he’s employed, but it’s feast or famine with him.) I didn’t even know he never graduated college until we’d been married 6 years and had two kids.
I don’t know what to do. Withholding sex alone is a sin, according to the Apostle Paul, who warned married couples to have sex often in order to guard against adultery. After 6 years of celibacy, that’s becoming more and more appealing to me. He once claimed it was a physical problem (apparently forgetting what he’d told the counselor a year prior about my disgusting him), yet he never wants to go to a doctor or anything. I’m about done here.
Girl don’t do it. I saw all the signs, ignored them and boy am I paying for it now. All I can tell you is run. He will not get better when you marry him. It gets worse; you will not be able to count on him and you’re gonna feel like you’re single. They lie and you will never be a priority. Take it from me, I was a fool and I’m paying the piper. God is the only one keeping me sane and I’m ignoring the PA. I’m emotionally detaching with him, living in the house, so when I get him out I won’t be on this roller-coaster ride. When I say I’m done I will be done for good… RUN…
I was married to a passive-aggressive man for 10 years, but I didn’t know what was going on. I always listened to his complaints about life, his being miserable, his parents not having money to help him be free financially, hating his work and the fact that he would always be miserable. I tried so hard to help him, but nothing helped. Over the years, he wouldn’t hear what I said to him, would tell me he told me things that he never did, was always late, was always down, didn’t want to enjoy life and have fun, and blamed his parents for a lot of things.
His father was abusive – he used to beat his mother regularly, really badly, and also hit him and his sister. My husband was emotionally absent, has only one close friend, hardly ever sees his family, and was not in touch with his son from a former relationship for many years. Now that his son is grown, they text each other once in a while and speak once in a while, but my husband has no emotional attachment to his son.
During our marriage, my husband would stay up till all hours every night watching TV. He wouldn’t come to sleep with me. He would blast the TV, and when I asked him to lower it (I work full-time and get up at 6 am every morning), he would lower it; as soon as I went back in the bedroom, he would raise the volume again. I tried pleading, negotiating and screaming at him over the years out of pure frustration and anger. I felt like I was going crazy.
In 2010, I lost my only sibling, Lisa, to cancer at 49. Two years later, my mother, Edith, the rock of my life died from cancer. And 11 months after that, my father, Abraham, dies of natural causes. My husband was caring and helpful during those 3 years and I’m grateful for that. But right after that, everything went back to the way it was. My husband always told me that he couldn’t be emotional with me because of the way I am and that we don’t mesh. I always took this to heart and thought if I tried harder, was a better wife, did more for him to try to make him happy, he would be able to be emotional with me. Nothing worked. Ever.
I was done and couldn’t take it anymore. I started to withdraw from him emotionally, because I needed to protect my sanity. In response, my husband totally shut down – he would talk to me about every day necessities, but otherwise was totally uncommunicative and I felt like I was living with a roommate who I didn’t know. I told my husband we need to go to marriage counseling and he agreed. At the 3rd session, after hearing both of our stories, the therapist asked my husband if he wanted to work on the marriage, and do the hard work that is necessary to have an emotional, loving, physical, affectionate relationship with me. He said that in his life he’s always done what was expected of him. But now there’s a little voice in the back of his head telling him not to do this. My therapist then turned to me and said that I can stay in the marriage the way it is, with a man who is unemotional, unaffectionate, who will continue to do things his way, and isn’t willing to try to change things for the better.
She told me I can stay married and live this way, if I choose to do so. And I said there’s a little voice in the back of my head telling me that I’ve done this for 10 years and I can’t live like this anymore. My husband refused to go to therapy, with me or alone, after that, and moved out of our apartment one month later. That was in May. I continued to see that therapist and still do. I was a mess when he moved out, cried all the time, was suicidal, and thought I wouldn’t get through this. It was one of the most painful times in my life, especially after losing my whole family. But now, a little over 1 year ago, I feel a lot better (not totally, but I’ll keep working on that), have looked into myself and my issues to try to see why I married and stayed with a man like this for so long.
I was also able to recognize that my husband not being able to be emotional with me has nothing to do with me or our not meshing. I realized that he has the same problem with everyone – his best friend, his family, his son. He can’t be emotional with anyone because of the abusive family situation in which he grew up. I also realized the reason why he never married any of the women before me, who were smart, professionals, pretty, etc. He had many long and short term relationships, which always ended. And my husband never broke off the relationships – the women did.
Now I understand how that works: my husband does not end relationships, he stays in them and tortures the other person with the way he acts, until the person can’t take it any longer and breaks up with him. He was engaged once before, years ago, and told me the woman threw the ring at him at their therapy session and called off the engagement. He never understood why. But I understand now – he did to her what he did to me and forced her to break up with him. It’s a sickness. I am so much happier today, with freedom, independence and a better understanding of myself.
Getting to this place was extremely difficult as I had to deal with my own issues, including why did I stay in such an abnormal marriage for so long, but it was worth it. I encourage other people in this position to get therapy if you’re in this kind of relationship. Anything is better than staying in a relationship where you don’t feel loved, cared for, your feelings are not reciprocated, and you feel like you can never do anything right or make your partner happy.
I see myself in your testimony. My husband was divorced once but his ex-wife asked for divorce. He said that he will never ask for divorce, I have to do it.
Congratulations on coming back to life! You are able to be loved. You hung in there because you thought you were supposed to. You are lovable, wonderful, kind and caring. Hats off to you. Go out now and conquer the world and recognize you do not have to live with anyone that does not reciprocate your love. Life is way too short. You have too much to offer. Proud for you and of you. Never ever be a doormat for anyone again. Way to go woman! God created you to be his equal not his footling.
I am kind of numb right now – I consider myself to be a pretty smart person, so I really can’t believe it took me so long to figure this one out – but when I started internet searching passive-aggressive husband behavior I started having some serious lightbulb moments. And there is an article out there entitled “What kind of woman marries the Passive-Aggressive man”…talk about eye opener – that’s me in a nutshell.
I really did think it was me – I really did think it was my fault. I really did think if I just did xyz I could fix this/us/him. I really did constantly search for things to try to make things better, to make myself more lovable – to make him care. I really did think he just had a bad memory. I really did think it was just the blood pressure medication. I really did think……… a million other things that were really stupid when the truth is – he doesn’t love me, he doesn’t really even like me that much to be honest…he is not connected to me…he doesn’t care about me…he never has – and he never will. I felt it in my heart, but I didn’t want to believe it because it was just too awful to consider.
At least NOW – I know. At least now I can make choices based upon the truth. My biggest hope and prayer is that my daughter DOES NOT end up in a marriage like mine…THAT would really break my heart.
Omg I hear you right now. Sounds like me. I think he is doing just this but I find myself still not trusting myself. I’ve been told so long I shouldn’t be able to trust myself in so many different ways. It’d be great if you would change but mostly I just want to totally get it and trust myself 100% again.
Your words are mine as well, I have been married for 18 plus years and just now through research am having lightbulb moments of what I have been living through, finding the truth is the only thing that has saved me. I keep reading and re-reading as it helps me to cope knowing exactly what has been going on. This is a dangerous condition as it can and does drive the partneer of the passive aggressive to suicide.
My mother is dying right now and my dad is 86. My mother has a violent form of dementia, I was supposed to have the help of my husband with her care but Ifound myself taking care of my parents for 3 years alone while my husband took over my business and soon subtly took it over. Now with my mom approaching the phase of not being able to swallow, my husband announced he hasn’t loved me for 10 plus years and is leaving me.
I feel like I am in a prison as I can’t protect my business because I am commited to my parents care, all the while my husband becomes more and more cruel. I wish I had known sooner what he was, especially when he had affairs and I took him back because I believed he had made a mistake. Had I walked away then, it would have saved my children and my sanity, I had money in the bank and stellar credit, all ruined now.
You still have yourself. Tuck money away and make a plan. You will find strength you didn’t even know you had. This is where I am at right now. I have lived…if you can call it that for 20 years with a PA husband. About two years ago, he promised me to move to Seattle and even made me think he was excited. I got my hopes AGAIN… mistake… after I paid for all the plane tickets for interviews for him… he decided at the last minute he didn’t want to move and turned down a fantastic job.
From then, I’ve been planning, and tucking money away (I do have my own job). We don’t have any children but we had a beloved greyhound who passed away. He is gone now. I waited for one year to see if he would change… but it has just gotten worse. He is withdrawn, selfish, sullen, egotistical, not interested in me in the least. I’m a nice looking woman, etc…
I’ve been co-dependent my whole life and now I am truly at 54 years young… happy and excited to be myself. This is what the PA man does… it is a lesson… learn it please! Best of luck to you all.
Oh Deb! ditto on everything you said! I too felt I went into my marriage with forethought and believing I was making an intelligent decision. Of course at that time he knew just what to say so I would marry him. I was very blessed to have a great counselor, as well as another friend who was a counselor that knew my husband. They have both affirmed that I could not have realized what I was getting into, that it was not my fault. That is the life of marrying a passive/agressive. It is so insidious, so covert. It is well hidden, and they are incredibly good at making you feel like anything that is wrong is your fault.
I might be missing something here but almost every negative topic about relationships on the World Wide Web seems to blame the husband. Some are a little kind and acknowledge there are times when the wife is at fault, but it generally is anti male. My experience in life is quite different and the females are the instigators of many problems, including passive aggressive behaviour. John
I agree everything tends to blame the male in the relationship. I think because it’s mostly women who comment about these types of things. I’m reading this article because I searched, “Why does my husband do things on spite to annoy me.” It seems that my husband has ALL the symptoms listed and I am in tears after almost 6 years of marriage and going through this thinking I was all to blame. But, I’m also thinking maybe my husband and I both have it. Maybe I have all these symptoms too.
Wow, Felicia, that’s quite the revelation –a real “ah hah” moment. I hope that now that you have had this revelation, it will help your relationship in some way, as you work on your issues. May God bless your every effort!
PA applies to women as well. However as a woman dealing with a PA husband, I can tell that for 22 years it been a dance with the devil. I’ve lost so much, dignity, self worth, my great credit rating, real estate. He sabotaged me even to this day, and ruined me financially and in many ways. Therapy was just a subtle outlet for picking up women. So was his job.
Of course he never admited it, but I have various types of proof, including his online membership to a sex club. He had many online relationships that I also discovered, I just stopped looking because it got overwhelming as to the amounts. For someone who can’t keep track of his wallet and car keys, he managed several relationshipsmall and online dating sites. We have 3 kids, 2 very small, and he blew through several 100ths of thousands of dollars I brought into this marriage. I thought he was adhd, abusive, bipolar for a long time before I realized he really is a PA.
I agree, I have known many PA women. I believe though it’s more focused on males in the forums because they’re more prone to this type of behavior. But please feel free to tell us your story. It is always a lesson learned… thanks!