Are you dealing with a Passive Aggressive spouse? If you are, you’re probably pretty desperate to find help in dealing with this issue. That is because it’s one that is certainly perplexing, to say the very least!
It’s difficult to deal with someone who seems to have such a slippery way of doing things. He or she can appear to be passive, but then does things that contradict that stance.
First of All, Please Note: We’re going to address the issue of living with the passive aggressive spouse. But some of the quotes and articles we link to will single out one gender or the other. Please don’t overlook the advice that is given just because you may be dealing with the other gender. Pray, read, glean, and adapt the advice given, if it’s necessary. The advice is still good, whether it pertains to the husband or the wife. We hope this will be helpful one way or another.
Communication not clear
“The passive aggressive will say one thing, do another, and then deny ever saying the first thing. They don’t communicate their needs and wishes in a clear manner. They expect their spouse to read their mind and meet their needs. After all, if their spouse truly loved them he/she would just naturally know what they needed or wanted. The passive aggressive withholds information about how he/she feels. Their ego is fragile and can’t take the slightest criticism. So why would they let you know what they are thinking or feeling?” (Cathy Meyer, from article “Passive Aggressive Behavior, a Form of Covert Abuse“)
Does this sound familiar? Most likely, if you’ve dealt with someone who is passive aggressive… and it’s frustrating. But how is passive aggressive defined?
Passive-aggressive:
Pertaining to behavior in which feelings of aggression are expressed in passive ways as, for example, by stubbornness, sullenness, procrastination, or intentional inefficiency” (from Medicine.net)
Medline Plus gives this insight:
“Some common symptoms of passive-aggressive personality disorder include:
- Acting sullen
- Avoiding responsibility by claiming forgetfulness
- Being inefficient on purpose
- Blaming others
- Complaining
- Feeling resentment
- Having a fear of authority
- Has unexpressed anger or hostility
- Procrastinating
- Resisting other people’s suggestions.
“A person with this disorder may appear to comply with another’s wishes. They may even demonstrate enthusiasm for those wishes. However, they:
- Perform the requested action too late to be helpful
- Perform it in a way that is useless
- Sabotage the action to show anger that they cannot express in words.”
Cathy Meyer gives even further insight:
“Passive aggressive behavior stems from an inability to express anger in a healthy way. A person’s feelings may be so repressed that they don’t even realize they are angry or feeling resentment. A passive aggressive can drive people around him/her crazy. And they can seem sincerely dismayed when confronted with their behavior. Due to their own lack of insight into their feelings the passive aggressive often feels that others misunderstand them. Or, they feel they are holding them to unreasonable standards if they are confronted about their behavior.
“…If you confront the passive aggressive he/she will most likely sulk, give you the silent treatment or completely walk away leaving you standing there to deal with the problem alone. There are two reasons for confronting the passive aggressive. One, if done correctly you may be able to help him/her gain insight into the negative consequences of their behaviors. Two, even if that doesn’t happen, it will at least give you the opportunity to talk to him/her in a frank way about how his/her behavior affects you. If nothing else you can get a few things ‘off your chest.'” (from article Passive Aggressive Behavior, a Form of Covert Abuse).
Glean Through Info for Passive Aggressive Spouse
In the above mentioned article, Cathy Meyer then goes on to give “some ways you might approach your passive aggressive.” You may find it helpful to read the entire article, including ways to approach your spouse. But I want to give you a “heads up” because for some reason, the About.com web site, put it in the “Divorce Support” section. This is not something we’re trying to encourage —supporting divorcing your passive-agressive. Instead, we’re hoping to help you to deal with it in the best way possible with the Lord’s help. Still, the article is a good one, so we encourage you to read:
• PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR, a Form of Covert Abuse
Here are a few other things you might find helpful to read, concerning this type of behavior. Then click onto the links after the quotes to learn more:
“Passive-Aggressive people don’t usually like the aggressive posture over any issue. They’ll rather say, ‘Yes’ when they already know what they are going to do. The yes is to get their aggressive spouse out of their face. Rather than speak up their concern on an issue they keep quiet. But their displeasure is displayed in their behavior. He/she might walk around the house banging the door after them, react to their spouse with short sentences, or act to sabotage their spouse to get even or get back at them. You never really know what’s on their mind. When they say yes, as a spouse, you watch if that yes is really yes or yes —get out of my face. Or it may be yes —I already know what I want to do.” (From the Christiancouples.org” article, “Home Improvement Series XXXVIII – Wired Uniquely?“)
The Passive Aggressive Spouse is Hypersensitive to Criticism
From the Couples Institute, Peter Pearson, Ph.D writes:
“Passive-aggressive people are typically hypersensitive to actual or perceived criticism. This is especially true when they don’t follow through with promises. Here’s the kicker. They have great gobs of good reasons for not following through with crucial agreements.” (From the article, “Does Your Partner Drive You Nuts? … The Passive Aggressive Personality”)
It’s a Crazy World
As a spouse, you are “doomed” if you get angry. The same is true if you say nothing. “Welcome to the crazy world of the passive aggressive partner” says Dr Peter Pearson, who claims to battle with this disorder himself. He writes:
“The passive aggressive person generally feels they are under assault .And no matter what they do, they cannot please their partner. …The other partner believes they cannot depend on the passive aggressive mate to reliably follow through. Even if I am 80% reliable, as I would sometimes point out to [wife] Ellyn, she has no idea what the 80% will be or when it will be completed. This screws up the logistical part of being an effective team which supports being an effective couple. So what causes this aggravating problem that painfully affects both partners in different ways? Most passive aggressive folks have two things in common:
1. “A highly critical parent or parents. This can cause a high sensitivity to being judged on performance.
2. “A lot of painful disappointments in life. This results in a reflexive coping mechanism that severely restricts their hopes and desires in life. Minimizing desires is a subconscious attempt to avoid getting hopes up and then dashed. This triggers a warehouse of painful disappointments stored in the emotional brain.” (Peter Pearson, Ph.D, from his article, “Does Your Partner Drive You Nuts? …The Passive Aggressive Personality”)
Certain Triggers can Activate
Continuing on, Deborah Ward offers this insight as well:
“Certain situations will tend to activate passive-aggressive behaviour. This includes circumstances in which the person’s performance will be judged. Or he thinks it will, says therapist Jay Earley, Ph.D., such as in the workplace. Similarly, any situation where the passive-aggressor has to deal with authority figures, such as bosses, parents, teachers, community leaders and even spouses, will often trigger an indirectly angry approach. “…Passive-Aggressive personality disorder develops as a result of a combination of genetics and environment, says Earley. Essentially, this person feels that aggression is not allowed and to survive, he has to express his anger indirectly and defeat others in the only way he feels he can.” (From the article, “Causes of Passive Aggression”)
How Do You Deal With a Passive Aggressive Spouse?
There are other reasons, you can be sure. But whatever the reason, or excuse, how can you deal with it? If you are a passive-aggressive spouse, therapist Jay Earley, Ph.D., offers these further suggestions for creating a healthier attitude:
- “Become aware of the underlying anger and resentment that is causing your behaviour.
- Be aware of your desire to defeat others, get back at them or annoy them.
- Become aware of your need to fail in order to get back at others.
- Work on allowing yourself to be just who you are. Or work on feeling that you are okay as you are, that your sense of worth doesn’t depend on other people’s opinions
- Work on expressing your anger and standing up for yourself.” (From the article, “Healing and Dealing with Passive-Aggression“)
Additionally, Concerning the Passive Aggressive Spouse:
Here is some advice from Drs Les and Leslie Parrott that could help you, as well:
“It hurts deeply to accept that your spouse has passive-aggressive tendencies and might not always have your best interests at heart. Once you’ve come to terms with the dynamic in your relationship right now, start taking steps to set boundaries that protect yourself from further passive-aggressive behaviors.
“Depending on the extent of the issue, you may have to start being selective about what you share with your spouse. Deep thoughts, feelings, and aspirations might not be safe to express. You know your spouse best, so use your judgment going forward. You may find that only certain topics need to be off-limits, rather than a broad change to your communication.” (From their article, “5 Ways to Cope with a Passive Aggressive Spouse”)
Dealing with the Passive Aggressive Spouse
Now, if you’re dealing with a husband who inflicts this behavior upon you and your marriage:
“How are you going to stay clear, calm and connected with a passive-aggressive man? It will not be easy. But it can be done. You must master a few strategies. ‘First, understand passive-aggression. You cannot remain clear and calm if you don’t understand what is happening. If you remain reactive, you’ll be dancing from one encounter to another. Notice what is happening. When and where do you get hooked? What does he say that provokes you into snapping back aggressively? Notice these patterns and determine to remain clear about what is happening. Second, determine to be active, not reactive…'”
And the list and explanations go on. To learn more on this behavior and some strategies to help you live with your passive-aggressive spouse, please read this Growthtrac.com article, written by Dr. David B Hawkins:
• LIVING WITH A PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE MAN
And then concerning passive-aggressive wives, Paul Coughlin writes about:
Additionally, here is an article that addresses both husbands and wives:
• IS PASSIVE AGGRESSION DESTROYING YOUR MARRIAGE?
The next question we’d like to address is:
“How do women love passive-aggressive husbands?”
Question Addressed:
“First, understand passive-aggression. You cannot remain clear and calm if you don’t understand what is happening. If you remain reactive, you’ll be dancing from one encounter to another. Notice what is happening. What does he say that provokes you into snapping back aggressively? Notice these patterns and determine to remain clear about what is happening.”
Now, it’s relevant to know that the list goes on to make 11 additional points to help wives who are living with a passive aggressive husband. But many of these points can also be applied to husbands living with a passive aggressive wife. The principles given can pertain to living with a passive aggressive spouse, no matter what the gender is.
To learn more, it’s important to read:
• HOW TO LOVE A PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE HUSBAND
And lastly we encourage you to read these articles written by Drs Les and Leslie Parrott:
• SHOULD I CONFRONT MY PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE SPOUSE?
• 5 WAYS TO COPE WITH A PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE SPOUSE
In conclusion, I realize this article is not exhaustive in the information it gives concerning the passive aggressive spouse. If you are dealing with a passive aggressive spouse, keep asking the Holy Spirit to guide you to healthy information that will work for you in dealing with this marital issue. And then keep on the look-out, for what He brings your way.
Above all, may the Lord help you, as you put your hand into His for guidance.
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
If you have additional tips to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Communication and Conflict
My wife is passive-aggressive from a very conservative and legalistic religious background. She’s been taught to not solve problems by not facing herself. I can’t see any real solution to our horrible marriage, because the passive-aggressive will not want to confront themselves anyway with what they are doing. It’s a catch-22. I do understand the theoretical solutions, but how can they actually work in reality?
It’s nice to see Brent, that I am not the only man in the world who is married to a passive aggressive woman. We always see this applied to men. I feel for you and agree that I hear lots of talk about this, but the only solutions I really hear are “leave or never get started”?!? I have 2 kids and can’t “just leave.” My wife will NEVER admit she does anything and when she’s confronted she says “You’re being crazy again” and denies things she says and does things she just did and plays the victim. I see no way to repair this, when she won’t admit she is doing anything.
The other night I suggested we go to a counselor. She always says men won’t have enough commitment to go, when woman are always willing if they are committed to the relationship. But, when I suggested it for us, mainly because I can’t stop the emotional abuse, She said “That came out of nowhere, we’d have to discuss that.” I never heard another word about it, which tells me she has no real desire to change at all. Anyone know what to do? I feel very helpless. I’ve been in love and married to her for nearly 30 years and something changed along the way and what I once treasured I now fear and avoid.
Mr. Mike, I read and re-read your post. I am not the type of person to respond to anything online. I value my privacy greatly. But I can tell you that I feel as though I am married to a male version of your wife (based solely upon what you have written here) and this site has helped me tremendously. So I seek to encourage you. However, this is a faith based website. If you are a believer in our Lord and saviour Jesus Christ, then everything you need to help you through this season of your marriage can be found in his word. If not, the short answer is…you can’t change her, you can only love her. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” Ephesians 5:25. Frustration is not a reason to give up. God bless you and your family.
Mike- who wrote Oct 28, — Reply to Mike and to all: I am hurt over my husband being passive aggressive also. I may have been a little PA when I’m being nice, but that was just to get along and cooperate with my husband and try to have a good time. I can’t have my way all the time can I? That’s just playing fair. I may come across moody but I try to get over it, not like I create a reaction or anything. But if I was not married to someone so sick with the major symptoms of PA, we could at least play fair and take turns and care about each other’s preferences. But when I hear a woman like your wife who used to be cooperative more often than not, and had the capacity to be in love with you but now is giving you trouble with these classic symptoms of PA, you might want to seriously take her to the doctor and get her thyroid checked. I did for myself.
My husband and I both had some personality issues but mine started to clear up when I got my thyroid checked and it was a little low. I also had yeast throughout and I had brain fog. I also had food allergies. I found out I was allergic to eggs, wheat and milk. As I slowly improved, I realized I had missed out on a normal adult life due to these health problems and as I got healthy again and seriously on an altered diet, I had to work out and get overt my own anger issues by trying to cope long term with my condition of an under active thyroid. Now I am strong but my husband got worse. He had been an alcoholic and smoker and on dating websites for years with all the classic PA symptoms. Then when I was emotionally able to begin to address him on what he had to do, he would not agree that he was a problem, that it was all my fault.
He had all the classic symptoms for years ever since we married and now he left me and has not talked to me or the kids for two years. He continues to provide but without saying a word. He used his sister as a conduit for a year and I agreed to it but she took his side and now I don’t talk to her at all. It’s better that way. This website’s information regarding PA and all these comments made me realize that there’s nothing I can do to bring him back. I saw him a year ago at a relative’s wedding. He told me he likes running a dating website and working and living alone. We don’t know where he lives. He doesn’t want to speak to me or the kids. The kids are young adults and would not agree to see him, unless he agrees to work things out with me and them in a psychologist’s office and go back to church and get mentored by a pastoral team.
We aren’t letting him go so easily. He is my life’s work at this point. I’m trying to get a second career after raising our kids, so I can support myself in case my husband stops paying the bills. I also have to look after my family and give them a sense that they have parents. Someday my husband might just get the help he really needs and wake up. I’m sure that in the meantime, he would make any headway with a serious relationship to anyone he dates. He/She will figure him out and find someone else within weeks at the most. It’s not hard to recognize he’s not a good catch for them. Really, I’m over the tears, the anger, and the resentment for putting up with his shortcomings for so long.
As soon as I read those symptoms I felt they were talking about my husband. I regret not going with my gut feeling years ago and not marry him. We both thought we were giving each other a second chance: he divorced and I a single mom. We’re still married, and he’s independent and doing with strangers what he should be doing with me. I am staying in the house as long as he pays for it and I appreciate him for doing so. I only wish I could help him. But I am becoming better and better mentally and I feel like I’ve got my youth back to go back to school and work. I am forgiving my husband and his illness to better myself and to someday free myself from being dependent upon someone who is so ill personality wise but who can be very functional for work.
I hope I have a full career ahead of me, get to meet wonderful people in the future, build a retirement for myself and live with a retired widower in good standing with his family and accomplishments and enjoy his grown kids with him and he enjoys mine and all the grand kids from each of us. I believe if you honor those who are sick, and make yourself independent someday of them, when they no longer need you, and you no longer need him, you can then negotiate a friendship. Why get rid of the relationship entirely? At the right time, it’s better to work out being friends. It only works when you can each accommodate different plans separately, eventually. I’m not ready for that now and that day may never come. But I hate the term “move-on” because that describes not caring for this beloved spouse anymore. Yes, they are sick, but they are beloved.
You can’t erase them especially when you’ve had kids together. No, he did not take care of them or seem to care to think about them on a daily basis, or even buy them shoes or spend any time with them, as well as me also. He’d just loaf off to a room and turn on his computer and drink beer and smoke and not pay attention. That was not a good life. It was not my fault. I tried to get him close to us. His mind was always somewhere else, or somehow resentful that he was uncomfortable when we got him away from his computer and beer. You know the whole personality list; it goes on and on. What gets me most was he would not engage, got moody when you tried to get him to engage, and on top of that, he would not provide some of the basics. In the meantime, we can all try to console one another here and understand a little better and have hope for our own futures and look after our spouses from afar, if they will let us. Prepare to help them if they let you and then help yourselves. One day you will be safe and happy. Keep in prayer, keep safe, and seek your peace.
Mike and Brent – I’m sure it must be hard to see all the negative towards passive/agressive husbands. I am now the ex-wife, after 25 miserable years, of a passive/agressive husband but I wish to speak out that it can definitely be women as well. I admire you for speaking out. It should be said that a passive/agressive person can be a woman or man. Either way – it is very difficult. Best of luck to you.
Hi, I’m on the edge of separation from my PA wife. We’ve been married for 9 years and I don’t recall a single year of normalcy in our relationship but all the contrary, I have now concluded that she doesn’t love or never did. Our marriage has been characterized by the PA behaviors below:
1. The silent treatment: this her favorite tool. She does not communicate at all- and expects me to read her mind– so I am held to expectations I simply don’t know and she insists I should know.
2. Avoidance of confrontation: she hardly wants to deal with things.
3. Sabotage: she is wrecking our finances and attempts to solve our problems. It is as if she wants to mantain our problems in order to justify her behaviors.
4. Detached: she has abandoned the relationship emotionally long ago- she does not respond to my poems or attempts at being romantic, but belittles or ignores such efforts. She lives in the US with me, but her mind is set in Europe.
5. Infidelity: she has been involved in other relationships where people have contacted her at midnight saying what a day they’ve spent together, or she would be texting them pretending she’s texting her girlfriends, she goes running but never makes it to her destination. She has brought other males to our condo (a local mechanic who left grease all over the place and she blamed our condo manager) and I have found pregnancy tests hidden in our home upon returning from travel and weeks of not being intimate.
6. The blame game: early in the relationship she blamed everything on me, even the sour relationship she had with her siblings. She would blame me and even yell at me for explaining My profession to her siblings- she says I am not a good father and tries to dissect every mistake I make in parenting to throw it at me!
7. Intimidation: she has asked for divorce three times and threatened to leave when things are not done her way. She used to yell at me until I made it clear I would accept her leaving rather than allowing her to insult me in public.
8. Manipulation: she uses this regularly to get what she wants. She would use family or friends as justification for traveling internationally even when we didn’t have the money. She would also talk to the pastors and put me as a jerk so they would think I was to blame. She uses all the other things I’ve mentioned and the point below to get her way!
9. witholding intimacy: we no longer have sex regularly and she insists that she’s is hurt and it is not appealing. She also finds other excuses- only when she wants something would she consent but not even that these days.
10. Cynical: my PA wife also acts cynical in discussions and even uses sarcasm and mockery. Her intent is not to resolve our problems but to hurt me, so every discussions is a battle. The mockery make her seem almost macabre.
In the end, my PA wife acts reckless and no longer cares. We have two kids and she has now turned our marriage to be all about the kids. as a spouse and friend she is long gone. All I have written derives from a long process of frustration but also analysis. We must have the courage to name the issues and she the other day I told her I was no longer afraid she’d tell me she doesn’t love me anymore. She could no longer use that to hurt me.
The darkest side of all this is that living with a PA, if left unchecked, turns you into one. I’ve prayed for wisdom, fortitude, love and peace to get through all this. I pray you guys find the courage to also say enough.
Oh man! You hit the nail on the head! I now dread and fear instead of loving, so not of God! Can’t get the good feelings back.
Well, I’ve been married to a PA for 39 years. He can take this form of mental abuse to an all time high. It’s like living with a walking talking demon on steroids. He was physically abusive with his first wife and did jail time (happened after we were married). I would like to think of myself as a reasonable, intelligent being and wondered how I got hooked into this mess. I am an RN with 5 certifications, majored in Psychology and was a charge nurse on a Psy unit, yet I continue to live with this nutcase.
Why? Well I suppose it’s the ingrained religious training I had (for better or worse); it’s been 98% worse. I have been advised by my doctors and one psychologist to “RUN”. Simply put I have invested too much financially into this marriage and refuse to “take a hit” at this late stage in my life. I knew his scheming ways long ago and laid back a tidy sum to retire on (out of his reach of course).
The deed to the home is in my name because I paid for it.
I consulted with an attorney, made my son power of attorney and beneficiary of all my insurance policies. In effect he would be in a “real bad way” should I die; he is that dependent on me. Yes it is sad, it did not have to turn out this way. I learned a long time ago to step out of the box and look at him as the tragic figure he is. He is now in his late 70’s is miserable, his kids and grandkids don’t want anything to do with him. He lives in very expensive home that is paid for, owns 4 trucks, we have no debt, yet he has not worked a lick in 21 years. Is he happy? Heck no. Every time he gets on one of his rants I learned to say to myself “you’re dealing with someone who is damaged and will never change.” I simply walk away. I refuse to be drawn into any discussion, arguments etc. I just say in a calm voice “I’m sorry your life is so miserable but you get out of your marriage exactly what you put into it”.
One time I did love him; slowly over the years it has eroded to “nothing” I now only have empathy for the pitiful creature he is. Life is to be embraced, loved and cherished so is your chosen mate. Sad to say some or so emotionally damaged they cannot or will not choose to experience that.
Even my own grandchildren see how unemotionally available and detached he is. As I try to teach them you may not have any choice how someone treats you but you do have a choice how you respond. I’m sure reading the above you probably question my sanity or motive. Well no I’m not perfect, I have my idosyncracies and faults too. The difference is I can say I’m sorry or apologize, something that has never once in 39 years rolled off my husbands lips. How do I cope and not go off the deep end? Well as I said, I have a deep faith in my Lord, He has promised me He would not allow more than I could bear.
I refuse to let my husband steal away my “joy”. I get involved with friends, family and church. In other words, I have a life outside this miserable home. I have more years behind me than ahead, I figure I can do the time. And when I finally leave this world heaven will be all that more sweeter to me. I pray for my husband’s soul. He is truely a lost, lonely, miserable man. And sadly he doesn’t even realize it.
Yes John you’re correct. I’m in a relationship with a PA, and it’s not just about who instigated what. But if you look at the signs and symptoms that is more of what you are looking for: – Acting sullen – Avoiding responsibility by claiming forgetfulness – Being inefficient on purpose – Complaining – Feeling resentment – Having unexpressed anger or hostility – Procrastinating – Resisting other people’s suggestions.
I’ve taken a few out because they don’t apply to my situation. The situation is still new, but I’ve seen the PA tendencies and wanted more insight. It’s not a matter of man or woman, Passive-Aggressive is a behavior. From everything I read, it can be brought out by a man or woman, but the PA can be either a man or a woman, as well.
Vivian, OMG you have one of the worst personality partners to live with and it ain’t easy! But there can be hope depending on what you are willing to overlook and what you won’t put up with. I also recommend looking into you and your personality type as to why you are attracted to a P.A. and how that helps contribute to the cycle. They are angry, scared, low self esteem and have the largest walls of protection built up that you can imagine. Keep searching; that is what I had to do and you’ll find your answers for you. What helps me? Not getting angry. I don’t want to help feed his addiction. Talking honest and direct.
“I see you’re not at work yet” P.A. husband. Because I understand were the ugliness comes from and I am a reactive personality type I take a deep breath – “That was a rude and mean thing to say” and look him straight in the eye with NO emotion. He squirms, excuses, etc. I repeat “I understand what you are saying but I am letting you know that was rude and mean”. This may continue but eventually he says sorry or I’ll try not to next time. Direct talking to P.A. always. The cycle has lessened up quite a bit sense we started but as long as I do not feed into it, talk directly, stay on point, things get better.
I struggle now with can I tolerate this and this slow change? Is this permanent slow change? Do I have to stay on my toes for the rest of the marriage even though my gut is s good instinct he’s being P.A. again? Or is it really time to leave because there is love between us and strong I just don’t feel like I can do this anymore?
16 years with a P.A. Finally had name for it since Jan. of 2015. Been working on us and he has all the traits and then some of P.A. Snide remarks, jokes that are jabs, didn’t hear you, defending every action, can’t make a decision etc. I can’t work on his past that caused this but can remind him he is loved and safe now but certain behaviors are not acceptable. Guess if I didn’t know how much he loved me than I would probably have left by now. Dang, it just ain’t easy!!!! Good luck all!!!!
Hello ~ Praise God I found this site! I have been reading about passive-aggressive and narcissistic PD on all kinds of sites and generally the bottom line for advice is “RUN!” My husband and I have both been married previously and have adult children from the previous marriages – none together. We have been married for 10 years. We are both Christians. I love him, but I think I love him a lot less because of his behavior. Although I don’t want to “Run”, honestly, if it weren’t for finances, I think I would temporarily find a different living situation.
Most of the time he is wonderful – thoughtful, caring, loving, generous (to a fault – and that causes problems). He is deceptive – he withholds information from me. When I discover something he has withheld from me and try to talk with him about it, he downplays what he has done, and will not have a discussion with me about it. He reverts to statements such as, “Oh yes, I forgot, you know everything,” rather than talking things out with me. In the past he has screamed and cursed at me – and resorted to name-calling. Fortunately the screaming and cursing has not been something he has used recently.
The current situation is that his eldest daughter (that I do not care for – 33 years old – self absorbed and inconsiderate – she wouldn’t even pick up her dishes – and expects everything to be provided for her, and doesn’t contribute anything) from quite a distance away, came to visit 10 days ago. A few weeks ago he ‘mentioned’ that she would be coming, but I didn’t know when until about 2 days before she arrived. After a couple of days I asked my husband to talk with her about helping out with the dishes and meal preparation. He was very thoughtful during our conversation and said he would talk with her. The next day when I came home from work, she had washed the dishes! Lovely! He never shared any of the conversation they had, so a few days later I asked him about it. He told me that yes, he had spoken with her, and that she told him that he just learned she is homeless! The person she was living with told her she couldn’t come back! So, of course, he told her she could stay with us – on the condition that she find a job. He did this without even talking with me about it!
I understand this is a difficult situation for her and would have agreed to have her stay -for a while. I never did find out anything else about their conversation. Last night during dinner I told her that I had just learned of her situation. She was shocked that her father had not spoken with me earlier. Anyway…later I tried to talk with him about a plan for our situation. He apparently was very angry that I had spoken openly in front of the two of them. The conversation went no where. He resorted to his typical tactics of deflecting by making sarcastic comments about how “perfect” I am and how I “know everything” rather than talking about the situation we are in. I am so hurt, discouraged and angry. Now I’m sure we will go through 2 or 3 days of silence – which he will blame on me. I hope I have given enough of a picture of what I’m dealing with. Please – pray for us and please give me some advice. Thank you and God Bless this ministry.
I’m so glad that I came up on this website tonight. I’ve had a history of entering relationships where my needs were unmet. I was pushed aside through all kinds of nonverbal behaviors. Commitments are made to me that were falling through, or I would’ve been told that my needs were unimportant. But just because something is important to me, doesn’t mean it’s important to them.
I did a lot of research as in my current relationship. Certain behaviors that my husband has been engaging in have popped up again. I guess you could call it my moment of intervention. I’m thankful that my husband’s behavior has brought me to the place where I could address my personal suffering. I did more research. I always knew I was carrying baggage from my childhood. However, I thought I had effectively dealt with it. Yet here I am again, same dynamics as other relationships where I’m pushed aside. And trust me, I’ve done everything from being accommodating, to swallowing my pride, and even swallowing my self-respect.
So when I stumbled upon the same behaviors my husband was engaging in without consulting me, I started taking a deeper look at myself. I read an amazing book, called The Narcissist You Know
by Joseph Burgo. It’s with that book I realized that I’ve been conditioned since childhood to be the caretaker ––that I was present to anticipate and fill the needs of my mother, and put my own needs aside as a child. This is exact opposite: a child should be an extension of the parent, with the parent anticipating and for filling the child’s needs. So needless to say throughout my relationships I’ve been in the caretaker position.
This woke me up, as I really felt I dealt with my issues of abandonment. Yet apparently I had to face why I kept putting myself in adult relationships that reinforced my sense of worthlessness.
The book discussed how the author’s mother was a narcissist ––and after reading a case study where her mother was a narcissist, I saw that everything that I experience with my mother, including how I was treated and what was told to me, has been happening in past relationships and in my current relationship. So I now realize that my role as a caregiver, almost like a parent, is enabling my relationship. And I also realize this is why I’ve been attracted to passive aggressive’s ––they’re pushing me aside, ignoring my needs to the point where I’m breaking down, leaving me and in medical situations helpless ––reinforcing my sense of worthlessness.
I’m so happy I discovered this in the past two weeks. I’ve increased my therapy visits to address my defensive mechanisms in my triggers so I can have a sense of emotional peace as I’m navigating through my current relationship with a passive aggressive husband.
I’ve read all the comments of other women who have children, who waited so long ––my heart really goes out to you. I could not imagine managing this for so long. I myself have a 2-year-old son. And now I clearly see that my husband’s passive aggressivenss is extending to my son in order to hurt me. When my son is sick, he doesn’t take him to have medical care. When my son is running a fever, and it’s my husband’s responsibility to put him to bed, he “forget” to take his temperature. Sometimes he goes to bed at night with a temperature so high that it’s dangerous. And I also see that my husband is trying to undo all of the education I do with my son –-my husband fed some bad food, let him watch television, drink Coca-Cola, takes a stuffed animals to the grocery store ––doing things I’ve worked so hard to get my son independent of so that he feel safe emotionally within himself. I can clearly see that my husband does this just to spite me.
I understand it’s my responsibility to work through my own issues. And I hold myself accountable for that. I absolutely refuse to take on the responsibility of doing this for myself to make my relationship better. My husband made it clear to me that he feels therapy doesn’t work, that it’s useless. He also said to me again the other night that just because something is important to me it doesn’t mean it’s important to him.
What I’m taking away from all of this is that passive aggressive people put their anger on the other person in a passive way. I will no longer carry his anger. Because when he puts his anger on me, it makes me more angry, which then makes me look like I’m insane, over emotional, needy. And I refuse to play this role of his life any longer.
I’m sharing this with you, admittedly towards women as I’m a woman and a mother. At the end of the day all you can do is be responsible for yourself. It’s our responsibility to deal with our emotional pain. It’s not your role to fix the marriage, only yourself. I know that it’s easier said than done. And I admit, after being with this person for five years and married for three years –of course I’ve recognized these behaviors off and on. It really took a repeated event, poor choice on his part, to wake me up. And in the interim I’ve been without a job for 18 months and am still looking for work in a foreign country.
And even though I’m afraid, still looking for work, I can honestly say that especially after seeing how my husband uses my son as a pawn in his passive aggressive quest to take his own personal issues and personal story related to anger and project it me –next week I’ll be consulting an attorney to finalize the separation papers. It’s scary to think that even with a small innocent child, passive aggressive nest knows no limits. And even though we are adults, with the ability to rationalize, empathize and armed with the healing of our own personal stories ––the matter how healed we are, the passive aggressive or will still succeed and sabotaging everyone around them. Wishing all of you coping with the same much love.
I know that my husband is passive aggressive, and I know that nothing I do or say will change that. My continuing problem is that when he procrastinates on doing something for which he is responsible and that affects me personally (in this particular instance, financially), I am torn between attempting to let go and let him deal with the problem or just doing it myself.
I have asked God for peace and for wisdom. I try to not repeat ineffective behaviors. I still do not know, however, when to let go and let God deal with the situation and when to take the matter into my own hands as Abigail did when David was about to kill her entire family because of her stupid husband. Suggestions?
Laurel, I don’t think this is a “one size fits all” advice issue. This is a type of “thorn in the flesh” that will continually try to take over your undivided attention, as it needs some attention here and there. It seems to be a matter of staying close to God, continually asking Him for wisdom, and the eyes to see that, which you need to tend to, and that, which you need to release and let go. It’s also a matter where you look to God to for help so you don’t get so discouraged that you give up.
In every marriage there is something that can get to you. If it’s not this, it’s that. But what matters is what you do with it. Do you use it to draw closer to God, or allow it to get to you where you push away in your own strength? It’s like what I read in my devotional thought today, “When you know that the God wining you reigns above you, you won’t succumb to what’s around you.” And it is easy to “succumb” when you’re dealing with a passive aggressive spouse. I know, my husband used to be passive aggressive for years and years. But he finally had an epiphany and worked to change his ways. So, miracles DO happen.
Here’s something else to consider, that I read in yesterday’s “The Word for You Today” devotional thought: “When it comes to the important decisions in your life [which you will encounter regularly with a passive aggressive spouse], stand on these Scriptures: ‘Lead me…Lord, in your righteousness because of my enemies—make straight your way before me’ (Ps 5:8 NIV). ‘Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long’ (Ps 25:5 NIV). ‘Teach me your way…Lord; lead me in a straight path’ (Ps 27:11 NIV). ‘Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground’ (Ps 143:10 NIV). When you pray that way, God will guide you in the right direction.” Pray, persevere, and put feet to the wisdom God gives you. I hope this helps.
I’ve been married 40 years to a man that betrays me, talks about me to his employees and my mother. They gang up I me. He called my mother after being arrested for breaking my ribs and she helped him! They laugh behind my back (I’ve heard them when they leave the cell phone on). I’m 67 years old and I think I’m going crazy! Everything is falling apart!
Judy, This does not sound like you are living with a passive aggressive person but a narsasistic personality and is definitely an abusive situation. Contact your local social services office or victims advocacy through your local police department if you want to get out as I recommend you do. As a senior there are many organizations to help you so don’t take no from these places. Ask if they know of some place that can help. If you choose to stay I highly recommend you get yourself into therapy, talk to your local church, call on a friend, even if you have not spoken for awhile; but get a personal contact with someone about this issue to help you mentally and physically if you are going to stay or you just may not make it out of this alive.
Leaving is not losing or failing or sinning. It is saving grace, yourself, and being a role model for others. Whatever your choice from here on out you need help from local people about this situation. I know it’s hard and I am so sorry you have gone through this. Not what love should be. Remember all that love is and should be and that you deserve it and a choice will become clear to you. Wishing you the best and keep reaching out even if I didn’t help someone might be able to.
Judy I am so sorry for your pain. YOU are not going crazy, but you are living with crazy. I am praying for you. This kind of abuse, in my opinion, is worse than outright physical abuse. It is the nice people who often attract the abusive people.
If you want a passive aggressive to change you also have to change yourself. There is a reason why you attracted the P.A. and why you chose the P.A. Because their walls are so it is they chose you so you need to find out why. Change that behavior pattern and not help feed into the cycle. If you are easy to anger that is the first deadly magnetic attraction for them that needs to change. Stop getting angry and you stop giving them fuel for their addiction. Be upset, peak your mind you have a right to be hurt when someone intintionally tries to mentally hurt you but don’t get explosive or yelling or facially irate. But do get it off your chest straight and to the point and then repeat as nessecary.
I personally like labeling who’s problem belongs to who. Helps my sanity and opens his eyes just a bit. I usually start with him…”When you sit there past what is considered a reasonable relaxing time and do not go shovel snow from the walk it does not hurt me but shows that you are not a caring person and tells people that you choose to be lazy over doing your responsibilities. This is not a reflection on me but on you so this procrastination is your problem not mine. I however feel that you are angry about something and won’t come talk to me about it and I feel helpless that I cannot help you with this issue but that is my problem and I can work on why do I feel such a strong need to help you.”
Or
“You’re the one that put the dishes away incorrectly and now has to come back and fix them. Not me. That P.A. behavior only hurt you not me so what caused you to do this?” And mine? “I screamed and yelled again and I’m a reactive personality. I don’t want to reflect that I’m the type of person who goes off at the drop of a hat. I own it and need to keep working on self control and assertiveness over tantrums and trying to control others.”
Long, but that’s how I feel. Lots of info out there on passive aggressive and yourself so it takes two in this and if you want one to change you have to also change or the small quick cycle of insanity will continue. Best to everyone staying or going in a a relationship with a P.A.!!!!!
Wow! I clicked on this site because it was titled The Passive Agressive Spouse but all I can find are references to passive aggressive husbands. I clicked through the comments section and found more of the same. I married the poster child for passive aggressive wives and it’s driving me over the edge. Guess I’ll have to look elsewhere. Good luck.
Statistically it is more men than women, but, there are definitely passive/agressive women!
Ok I’m so over the guys (on other sites as well) who can’t seem to fathom, despite multiple people emphasizing the fact over and over, that what is being discussed here applies to both genders, even while it’s often males who behave this way. For all kinds of social reasons I won’t go into, and on many sites it is largely women posting about their experiences with that, again for lots of different reasons, i.e. women are socialized more too seek relationship help (while repeatedly extending empathy and welcome to male posters, I would add).
Interesting how women go their entire lives being expected to switch gender pronouns in their minds in order to relate to MOST issues in print and discussion, but the rare time a man has to do so he so often gets outraged and indignant. Welcome to what women have to do every day, assuming ‘he,’ ‘him’ and ‘mankind’ means us females too. Repeat after me: yes, women can be passive aggressive too, I just demonstrated it. Sheesh. ;P
I am at my wits end with a passive aggressive husband. I have been trying, praying and doing my best for 20 yrs. and my son of 24 just moved out. I am now alone with a selfish, self consumed, spoiled man. He has had several affairs; there has never been much intimacy, trust, honor or respect. I want him to leave my house. It was our house but during his last affair ten years ago he signed it over to only my name and it is legally paid off. (my parents bought it and I was making house payments to them when we met). He is a manipulator with an angry arrogance about him. I am 51 and want some peace in my life. I travel a lot for my job and this has only made it worse. Please help. We’ve tried counseling together several times. He won’t commit to going until the end. I am one tired, beat down woman who’d like to live with some peace before my life is over.
I knew before we married that he was a PA – or at least, I had a pretty good idea. I had come across this term/concept in the past, but I ultimately dismissed it. I decided I was over-analyzing the situation. Recently, a minor issue occurred. I caught him in a “white” lie. It really wasn’t a big deal, but the underlying principle of trust nagged at me, and I knew I needed to talk to him about it. I gently confronted him about it a few days later, and the way he responded finally confirmed for me that I was not over-analyzing things in the past. He spun around this untruth as something that was done for my benefit. His story made little sense. I (once again, gently, with no anger) pointed out that what he was saying didn’t fit, and he became wounded, blamed me, and withdrew.
Even though the issue itself that started the conversation was minor, and this one example was not at all the first time this had happened, I felt like all the air left my lungs. I felt horrified. I thought back to many other similar scenarios – I thought back to other “white” lies as well that I have had explained away over the years we have been dating and now married. It was like the rose-colored glasses had come off. I know I’m not perfect, and I also need to say that my marriage is not in some dark place right now. I just didn’t admit to myself until that night that I truly had married a PA. I now admit that he will not work through problems. I now admit that he gaslights me. It terrifies me to think that I can’t even work on any behaviors that *I* may be doing to hurt him/anger him since he won’t ever point them out to me! Even though things are okay for now, what will happen in 10 years or 20 years? That is why I am now so disturbed.
As for the behaviors he exhibits: Stonewalling is huge. He withholds sex (headaches, tired, backache, you name it). These first two are very hard for me. Everything is, “Whatever you want to do, sweetheart.” He procrastinates. If I do bring up an issue that is bothering me, he says absolutely nothing or gives me a look that reminds me of a wounded puppy. Everything is twisted so that I am the one who has the problem or is imagining things. And the thing is, none of this is new. I just didn’t want to believe that this was a real problem for us.
Understand that I know I can’t change him. Understand that I want to stay married to this man for the rest of my life. I just know it’s going to be a real struggle as the years pass by.
Any angel out there? My whole life did not make sense, until I realize my husband has this disorder. Thank you for this. It is the most useful article that explains what is going on in my life… I just would like someone who’s in the same boat to talk to me. I have a living hell with my husband who has this disorder and it is because of a domineering, possessive mother …so he has this disorder but I cannot make him understand his disorder at all. I cannot even bring it up cos he is so unreasonable, and hypersensitive, and process all comments differently…and the underlying problem and damage to our kids is the negativistic sarcastic attitude they are ecposed to. I feel so sorry for myself and the kids cos I cannot get through him. Please save me.
When I ask my husband to do something–like a trip or museum, etc.–he always says yes. Then when he gets angry he tells me that he feels he HAS to say yes; therefore I’m a shrew. Recently, he told me he went to the museum with me because he knew it would please me. In other words, I have these unilateral plans and he just “carries my bags.” He actually uses that term. I don’t want a porter, I want a companion.
Today I told him I would inform him each day what I plan to do –movie, museum, etc.–and that if he wanted to go he should let me know. That way, I don’t go somewhere with him with the nagging feeling he doesn’t want to be there.
Am I handling this correctly? I will admit when I said it I was angry. Very confused.
Joan, the fact that he will even go with you to places he doesn’t really want to go to shows something good. Many spouses wouldn’t do that. They just go to what THEY want to go to, and completely ignore their spouse’s wishes. At least yours is trying to please you. Whenever my husband goes somewhere that I know he doesn’t really care about, or watches a movie with me that isn’t really something he would pick to watch I make a special point of thanking him for loving me enough to do that for me –that I enjoy his companionship, and it helps me when he “carries my bags.” And then I make sure that I go to places and watch some things on TV and such that I wouldn’t normally pick, if it wasn’t that he liked it. I’m not bragging –I’m just telling you that this is something I’ve learned to do over the years that has a positive effect upon our relationship.
I used to also get mad or feel put out when I found out that Steve didn’t like to do a lot and go to a lot of the places I liked. But then I realized that we could work this out. That’s what “marriage” is all about –finding ways to marry our ways. We both could concede sometimes, and other times we can be more creative in making different preferences work. I’ve learned to focus on what we DO like together, instead of fixating on those things that highlight our differences.
And you know the crazy thing? My husband, through the years, has expanded his taste in movies, and such, and so have I. Neither he or I realized that would happen. We’ve both grown. I also choose to go some places that I know Steve wouldn’t like with some of my friends, and let him do that with some of his friends. This can cause more enjoyment sometimes. Husbands are not supposed to be a clone of us, nor visa versa. It’s okay that we like different things, and that we sometimes go places with our friends. As long as we find some things that we do together –that’s fine.
Expressing appreciation to our spouse for going out of their way for us is a good thing. It’s amazing what many men will do for us when they know they are appreciated. And that’s okay. It’s probably one of the reasons why our spouse fell in love with us –we showed love and appreciation for even the little things, and we noticed when they made sacrifices for us and gushed all over them for it. They don’t lose the longing to be appreciated just because they married us. The fact that your husband would try to please you and choose to be a “bag carrier” rather than sit in front of the TV alone, shows he cares and that’s a positive thing you have going for you, rather than a negative one. At least this is my humble opinion.
Sounds like you are an overly aggressive spouse with controlling issues and your spouse isn’t allowed to speak without condemnation. Take a good look in the mirror before you spout this. If your spouse was free to speak and share their heart without you going over the deep end you wouldn’t have this. Being Christ centered is first looking at who you are and what you need to change. It is not about wanting divorce and looking for reasons for that divorce. People eventually become passive aggressive due to being bullied. You are not helping the person with this article when you fail to ask the very first question. Why is the other person being passive aggressive with you? Are they like that with others? How can you build confidence in that person?
Jay– whoa. You may very well be missing the point of PA disorder. What makes PA so excruciating to the spouse is they, the spouse, do not have to be aggressive or controlling, and often aren’t, to come across that way to someone who has this broken coping mechanism and hypersensitivity. The very point is that PA folks project that stuff onto us due to unresolved childhood stuff, which is not actually our fault or responsibility to fix even if we could. That doesn’t mean we’re not all responsible for our part in any dynamic but without knowing anything about this woman or her marriage, really, you’re assuming this woman goes off ‘ the deep end’? That’s exactly the kind of dismissive gaslighty silencing comments PA people make. At the very least, pretty presumptuous and disrespectful. Perhaps take your own advice re. Christ-centredness and mirrors and check your tone, it reads to me as incredibly attacking and passive-aggressive, ironically, or at least re-read the original article and other material on PA before ‘spouting’ (to use your term) on someone who just seems to just be expressing confusion and frustration. (I realize this is an old post, I’m responding more for posterity I guess)
Hi, I married my husband beginning of November 2015. After a wonderful 2 week honeymoon he changed dramatically toward me. I noticed very quickly he had become passive aggressive to which it has become worse. I’ve been married for just over 3 months and it has no doubt been the worst 3 months of my life, a roller coaster of ongoing emotional abuse.
He has currently chosen to work away this week to ‘teach me a lesson’, as he stays away during the week, I found out he has been talking to a woman on face book which I challenged him about. Again he turned it around to be me being ‘paranoid’ and said he wants to get away from me so he chose to be away. Its been 2 days now without him contacting me other than replying to me about how everything is my fault. I text him to tell him our marriage is a sham (which it is) and told him to make a decision about what he wants to do when he comes home as I cannot cope with his behaviours which have continue non stop for 3 months.
I said to him I was not continuing to discuss this by text and said if he wants to talk to me then he should call me and if he did not then not to bother. I’ve heard nothing for 2 days. My friends and my adult daughter and son have all seen a dramatic change in me. They see I am desperately unhappy. I’ve tried to talk to my husband but he takes no responsibility although he did send me a text a couple of weeks ago when he was working away saying he knows he has not been a good husband and he would not blame me if I went with another man (I had arranged to go for a meal with work friends and he accused me of meeting a man). I have scoured the internet for tips and advice and tried them. I cannot go on anymore, I need to get out now. Help.
I notice all the comments only apply to “couples.” What about relationships with their parents and the children? My daughter married a man 8 years younger who immediately adopted my 7 year old grandson. My daughter was a single parent & the birth father lost his parental rights. I was the de-facto “other parent.” This was not a plan in my life! My grandson has aspergers & severe seizures. His NEW daddy beat him with a belt for talking in the lunchroom at school. My heart broke for this sweet, happy child I love as I have watched him turn from a happy, carefree little boy, into an uncertain, fearful little boy.
I am now no longer allowed ANY contact with him. There had been no disagreement between me and them. I NEVER question my grandson nor discuss topics that could be upsetting even if he is in the house. I have never spoken one critical word of my daughter or her husband. But her husband swears I have!!!!! The only conflict I had with my daughter was her criticism of me preparing breakfast & lunch for him and putting clean sheets on his bed always. She said I was spoiling the “little prince” rotten! I was floored! I don’t indulge in gifts for him except special occasions and I am firm but loving always.
My grandson had a sobbing breakdown during one of our last visits together & he begged me to “tell THEM whatever they want to hear, so all this will go away!” I was stunned! Once I had calmed him, he said his daddy said he could see me when he was twenty and do stuff with me then. I asked him why he believed that & he said I don’t believe the same as his mama & daddy! I am a Christian woman, but for some reason Jesus has turned into a “tool” for their agenda. They have decided I am a heathen and want to end all contact with me.
I feel like I am living in some bizarre world now. I found a video tape my grandson made for me. He never told me he did and I never looked at his mini “extremely” restricted. His message revealed a broken terrified child! Begging me to save him if I thought he was dying and begging me not to die. He said he didn’t want to go to heaven and didn’t want be to be “everlasting!” I was devastated for him. Not hearing his voice or seeing his face for six months has been hard enough but this stuff is truly demented that they are doing to him! Who talks with a 10 year old autistic child about death just out of the blue?
The following day, after spending 6 months of not being allowed contact with my daughter or my grandson, I went to an attorney. Papers will be signed this week to take them to court. I want to know who is homeschooling my grandson and why my daughter quit her job as a neonatal nurse and why the “daddy” has decided to be a househusband instead of work. And they are both deeply steeped in some brand of Christianity that is harsh, mean, divisive and believes everyone who doesn’t believe exactly as they do is the enemy! And I don’t mean in a casual way. I mean a rip the flesh off their bones enemy! My daughter is not a young girl! She is 46 years old and her husband is 37. What they have done to my grandson is not from any instruction from the God of Abraham! And they ALWAYS say God has led me to…blah, blah, blah. And it is always something vitriolic and harsh. And they hang all their messed up understanding of God and His holiness around my grandsons neck. I will do what ever I need to do to save my sweet little guy.
So how about a little discussion about percentages. What percentage of church goers really understand God’s instruction? I don’t drink or swear or carouse or anything and I love the Lord. What is wrong with this picture? I wanted to finally be able to just be grandma, not tossed to the curb!
After 4 years of marriage I am so glad to have found this site! Now there is a name for what I thought was insanity. The stress of this has caused many problems for me, not for him. No surprise there! I’m nor sure what my next step will be, perhaps focus on making a life for me… stop playing the game!