One of the things we’ve always said is that the ministry of Marriage Missions helps our marriage as much as it helps anyone else’s. We say that for two reasons. One, in studying marriage to help other marriages, we learn a lot to apply to our own marriage relationship. It’s one of the benefits.
And secondly, we seek to be genuine in every area of our lives. We love the Lord and want to live as God would have us. As a result, we can’t imagine living one way in public and another (toxic) way behind closed doors. That is not God’s way in any way, shape and form; and neither should it be ours! Our walk should be consistent, even when no one else (but God) is looking.
After all, how could we tell others to “reveal and reflect the love of Christ” in the ways they live together, if we don’t? It just wouldn’t be right to grab onto having a pharisee’s attitude in our marriage relationship. We can’t live one way and tell others to live another. And we can’t be puffed up about it either. God opposes hypocrisy and He opposes the proud.
So, how do we avoid grabbing onto holding a pharisee’s attitude in marriage? Below is what Debi Walter, from The Romantic Vineyard ministry writes concerning this matter:
How to Avoid a Pharisee’s Attitude in Marriage
The Pharisees were the religious elite of their day. They spanned the motives of their heart with a pat on the back. All the perfection boxes were checked, yet one thing was lacking—humility.
“Humility is lowliness of mind; a deep sense of one’s own unworthiness in the sight of God, self-abasement, penitence for sin, and submission to the divine will.” (Webster’s 1828 dictionary)
What does humility look like in marriage?
• It’s a realization that your sin is the only thing you can do anything about, which leads to repentance.
• Pointing the finger of blame is not found in a humble heart. When you are pointing a finger of accusation there are three fingers pointing back at you.
• It also comprises of a willingness to serve by laying down your life for the good of another, namely your spouse.
One word of caution though. A proud spouse craves their spouse to do all the above.
If when reading this, you are thinking that your spouse needs to read this—humility quite possibly may be lacking.
The only One qualified to judge the motives of the human heart, is the very One who died to free us from the snares of pride—Jesus Christ, our Savior.
Jesus warns us that the measure we use to judge someone will be used to judge us. This should cause us all to tremble and not trust our own heart.
Ask God
If your marriage is struggling, we encourage you to ask God what you’re missing in regard to change.
You have no control to change your spouse, but you do have control over your own thoughts, motives and attitudes.
Are you willing to lay your life down for the good of another? Your spouse? If you struggle to answer yes, the Pharisee may be influencing you more than you know.
Only the Holy Spirit can expose the motives of my heart with truth and conviction.
Ask Him to show you any trace of the Pharisee’s self-righteous judgments in your own heart. This is where life-changing repentance begins and the foundation on which healthy marriages are built.
We hope you will (as we are doing, as well).
Concerning a Pharisee’s Attitude and Humility
Here are a few additional closing thoughts we encourage you to prayerfully consider:
First:
“Marriage is not just about us. It’s about God and what He wants to do in our lives together. God uses marriage as a vehicle to grow us up in many ways. Recognize that and lean into growing in humility and unselfish love. (Gary Thomas)
The problem is:
“Many today make the purpose of marriage to be one’s personal happiness of finding another person who meets my needs. God created marriage to reflect His image, to reproduce a godly heritage, and to stand together in spiritual battle. Your marriage, your covenant-keeping love, will be your greatest witness of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Marriage is about the glory of God —not about the happiness of man.” (Dennis Rainey)
And lastly, recognize:
“The closer each of you gets to Jesus, the closer you will get to one another. The more you humble yourself before Jesus, the better equipped you will be to serve one another. And if you are both lovingly absorbed in the Spirit-empowered ministry of meeting each other’s needs, you will both be the pleased beneficiaries of each other’s need-meeting service.” (America’s Family Coaches)
So,
“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” (Colossians 3:12-14)
And to that we say, Amen!
Cindy and Steve Wright
— ADDITIONALLY —
To help you further, we give a lot of personal stories, humor, and more practical tips in our book, 7 ESSENTIALS to Grow Your Marriage. We hope you will pick up a copy for yourself. (It’s available both electronically and in print form.) Plus, it can make a great gift for someone else. It gives you the opportunity to help them grow their marriage. And who doesn’t need that? Just click on the linked title or the picture below:
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