It’s quite common for couples to ask my opinion on whether or not they are Biblically free to use pornography. They want to use it to help them get ready for sex. Or it could be that they want to use it to enhance their lovemaking.
Pornography Use
I have 3 thoughts concerning the pornography issue:
1. The average female porn star retires at the age of 27. And the average male porn star retires at 32. The reason is that the porn industry sees the human body as being at its physical peak between the ages of 18 and 27 for females. It is 21-32 for males. The person in that video will never grow a day older or lose that “perfection.” Yet your wife or husband will.
Here’s the warning:
If you choose to use pornography as a means to sexually arouse yourself, you are forfeiting the ability to become aroused by your spouse. Over time, it will become more and more difficult to be sexually aroused by your life-mate. That is because he or she will age while the porn star remains youthful. Losing the ability to be sexually aroused by your spouse is a very bad thing. Not only are you putting yourself at risk for the temptation of an affair, but you are killing what should be a beautiful thing between you and your spouse.
Furthermore, which is really the better body? Is it the one whose breasts nursed your children? The body that held you close when you were scared or sad? Or is it the body that sleeps by your side at night? The world might see the young porn star’s body as being the best. But which is really the best? Why would you want to give up the ability to be aroused by the best?
Secondly, Concerning Pornography:
2. The use of pornography will inevitably destroy the self esteem of your spouse. Porn stars are selected because they are not normal.
As your spouse is constantly exposed to the “perfection” of the people having sex in the video, he or she usually begins to feel ugly, inadequate and unwanted. It becomes painfully obvious to each spouse in time that a substitute is required to sexually excite his/her spouse.
Can you see how that would destroy self esteem? And trust me, it doesn’t get better with time. It only gets worse as each of you experience the normal aging process. Yet, at the same time, watching porn stars who are always young.
Lastly:
3. If you are using another person —even a picture of another person —to sexually excite and arouse yourself, you are committing adultery according to Jesus.
Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.“ (Matthew 5:27-28)
I certainly don’t want to judge another person. Nor do I want to involve myself in another’s sex life. You are obviously free to do as you choose. Yet I feel that it is important for you to have all the facts and viewpoints at your access.
This question has been asked so often by couples around the world that we felt it necessary to provide an answer here as a resource for individuals who want to please God in every area of their lives and to act in the best interest of their marriage and spouse.
This article is written by Joe Beam. Joe founded one of the largest marriage organizations in America. More than 100,000 people have enrolled in courses, workshops, and seminars he designed and developed. Additionally, Joe Beam has written several books, magazine articles, online articles, courses, seminars, and workshops both for the corporate world and the public. He founded LovePath International and serves as its President. For seminar and resource information, Joe can be contacted at Marriagehelper.com.
Filed under: Pornography and Cybersex
(USA) I have known for some time that in my 10 year marriage, I have been cheated on everyday. My self-esteem is in the gutter, and I cry a lot. I am now divorcing and feel so betrayed. Pornography is born of the devil, and it destroys families, lives and sanity. I feel sorry for the actors in the films. They make money, but they destroy families. No man can watch that trash and not eventually have to live that fantasy out. Porn can’t be in the bedroom and love and honor exist there as well. They don’t go together.
(USA) I can understand why women feel hurt and lost from a spouse who is cheating on them daily with pictures or films. I will admit that I do it. For me it is a release and a way to get back at my wife I guess.
I’ve been married for three years, soon to be four. My wife and I just had sex a week ago for the first time in nearly a year. I was being shot down left and right and I’ll admit I turned to porn for fulfillment.
My wife won’t ever wear lingerie for me. Her "boudoir" that she bought prior to the wedding has only been donned maybe three times each and she has three pieces.
"It’s too hot in the summer, it’s too cold in the winter, I feel like I’ll slide out of bed" are her excuses. I love seeing her in sexy attire but she never wears them for me. She occasionally wears skirts and stockings for work but then immediately takes them off when she comes home and puts on sweats. I’d love to ogle her body but she will not let me.
(UK) Hi Josh, I think if you read over what you have written you will find the answers to the question your asking.
You have no idea what it is like to be married to man who seeks his intimacy from computers, pictures, DVDs and magazines. You say you understand but yet are able to just continue living in the darkness pornography provides… with evey picture and movie you view, you are pushing yourself further and further away from your wife. You are choosing porn over a loving relationship with the person God has placed you with for a life time, and you continue to do so by choice.
What your wife needs from you is for you to show her that what you have and are doing is wrong, take responsibility for your actions, for the pain you’ve caused her and continue to cause her with your addiction, and for choosing your pornographic life over a life with her. It’s very easy for an addict to place blame on their spouse, but your actions have nothing to do with your wife, yet she too suffers the consequence of those actions.
I realise I know nothing about you and your life, but I know a sex addict, I’m married to one and his actions nearly destroyed us. Only when my husband got the strength and courage to accept that his addiction was killing him and us, destroying every good part of him and more importantly completely destroying his relationship with God. We’ve both had to make huge changes to ensure that we were able to meet eachother half way and start healing a marriage destroyed by sexual addiction, and I know that this addiction does not have to destroy a marriage because there is help and support for both husbands and wives… but the husband MUST want to change and stop his addictive cycles.
I have a support group for wives of sex addicts at http://www.healingheartsclub.co.uk, there is also a link to it on the resource section on here, should your wife need support from other women in the same situation then I’d love to help wherever possible. I have also included helpful links for husbands and can connect you with other husband who can be a great support to you should you choose to allow light to flow through your darkness. Caroline
(USA) I did read his comment and I think you should re-read as well. I am a husband who was addicted to porn, as well. I understand and empathize with him. It’s not always the dirty, sinful husband’s fault alone when he turns to porn or adultery. Notice he said he turned to porn after his wife stopped being intimate with him. I give him credit for not turning to it right away… he waited a year before it got to him.
I am not condoning the use of porn or his decision to seek it out. I am also not going to condone his wife’s behavior in cutting him off sexually and not a being a sexual person for her husband. I know that we must not see our wives as strictly sexual beings, but we constantly are told that sexual intimacy should be between husband and wife… husband AND WIFE… that means that she should at least try to be romantic, sexy, and sexual for her husband.
Women use the “you should love me as I am” card a little too often. We do love you and respect you, however, why don’t you give us the same credit and help us feel a little sexy and wanted, as well? This is about a man and wife showing and giving to each other mentally and physically, TOGETHER.
(USA) Most importantly you are disobeying God and hurting your wife. You have a lot of excuses but, none will hold water before our Lord in the time of judgement. Whether your wife ever fulfills your every desire or not is a moot point for the sheer fact that you are called to obey Christ. Please, leave your excuses to the wayside and pray to become a man with a heart of Christ.
(USA) Yes, watching porn is wrong BUT so is withholding yourself from your husband. Apparently, you only see things through a woman’s perspective and aren’t even attempting to see both sides. How can you be a so-called expert? And why does it say to “withhold not yourselves” “so that you will not burn with lust”? So obviously 2 wrongs don’t make a right but if the woman attempted to meet her husband’s needs the second sin may not have happened in the 1st place. You seem all to quick to point your finger at the man and totally ignore where the wife was clearly wrong and not obeying the Bible.
Most importantly, you are disobeying God and hurting your wife. You have a lot of excuses but, none will hold water before our Lord in the time of judgement. Whether your wife ever fulfills your every desire or not is a moot point for the sheer fact that you are called to obey Christ. Please, leave your excuses to the wayside and pray to become a man with a heart of Christ.
(USA) My husband told me last month that he didn’t love me anymore. I know this is my fault for not meeting his needs for respect and intimacy. I recently found short porn clips on my husbands computer, as well as pictures of an old girlfriend from before we married some old and some recent. I’m so distressed and devasted about this. I don’t know if he’s an addict, but he has been receiving these emails with the attached clips for quite awhile. I haven’t said anything about it as he’s not really intereacting with me right now. He is still at home because he’s been unemployed and not able to support himself (blessing in disguise).
Please pray for Chuck and I. Since he told me he didn’t love me I took a good look at myself and have lost weight and am dressing in more revealing clothing, but he barely notices. I have sinned by depriving him, and myself of the marital joy of intimacy because of body image issues and not every having had the big O. I pray God does a work in him and me and that what God has joined together no man or woman will put asunder! I pray for the Lord’s mercy that he will help us to experience incredible intimate sexual love for each other. But I have to agree, it’s hard to to look at those girls and compete And for that, I do feel really deflated at a time when I need stregnth.
(UNITED STATES) Praying everything work out for you and chuck. I have had a similar situation and I’m asking that this corner will be praying for me and my spouse as well.
Praying…
(UGANDA) People, it’s true down here when you really try to copy someone, you end up losing your true identity and really some times you end up embarrassing your efforts if it didnt work the way you felt.
(USA) Well, my husband and I are having communication problems and we are trying to work through them. We have talked about him watching porn and he used to deny it. Now he admits to it… at first I was disgusted by it but I’ve watched it myself. Anyway, I don’t mind it but i’m trying to understand it. I’m very secure about my sexuality. I’m trying to get him and I to watch it together and he says yes so I will be back to write about my experience.
(UK) For 28 yrs my husband has been addicted to porn. It has destroyed us. At first he looked at magazines. Then in 1995 with the internet, every time I was out of the room, it was naked women. Our oldest 2 kids even saw them. Then came the video downloads. Our whole marriage it was – “why can’t you do this/that/ be like her”?
Then after 24 yrs he cheated on me for over 7 months. Literally planned it. signed up for a bunch of websites, stating horrible lies about me (the mother of his 4 children). Why? He needed the passion. He wants what he sees on those videos. That is what he thinks is reality. In 24 yrs, we have never made love- just had sex. Now, 3 yrs after the affair reveal, and he stills uses porn 2-3 times a week, while we have sex maybe once a week. It doesn’t matter what I do or say. This is what he prefers. He has no relationship with any of his children. The only thing important to his is his reputation (a good one) and Porn. It has destroyed us.
(TANZANIA) I used to hear people justifying the use of porn videos for married couples as a means of improving their sex life. Inside me I felt it is wrong, but I did not have enough grounds to support my view. Thank you for putting it so clear.
I also think that, since porn actors are just having sex with their fellow actors (out of marriage context), they are also sinning. So, watching porn is blessing their sinful acts. And according to Romans 1:32, it is as well a sin to the one who approves those who commit sin.
(USA) Thank you Elly, for your added insight. To be truthful, I hadn’t thought about the fact that watching porn actors was blessing their sinful acts, by giving them audience. I knew it was wrong to view them because you were bringing others visually into your marital intimacy times, but the added dimension of blessing their sin, I hadn’t thought of. You’re right.
Also, by giving these videos our audience, we’re financially helping to support the actors and those who film and produce them. If there is no one purchasing these videos, they would be out of this kind of work. And even if the video was borrowed from someone else who had purchased it (which is sleazy in itself), it still gives a type of approval to these types of videos. It’s wrong on so many levels. Thanks for your insights.
(CANADA) Hi, I am dealing with a lack of intimacy in my marriage …and it hurts so bad and I cannot talk about it with hubby and he also does not admit to what he is doing to our marriage. I feel hurt, angry and abandoned. I have read all these stories and just need someone to pray with me.
Last year I tried to have a discussion with my hubby to find out why he was becoming distant and not being intimate with me. He said he was stressed. I later discovered porn on his laptop. When I confronted him, he accused me of being sneaky and spying on him. He said he would change and stop. I asked him to go seek some help and he refused. I later discovered he had porn on his iphone and never mentioned it. He gets so mad and becomes defensive, walks out on me when I am try to talk to him.
Since last year, our sex life has just kept decreasing and he won’t even sit down to talk to me, when i have asked him to. We have only been married 2 years and it is hard living like this -loving someone who does not care about how you feel or your needs. He still stays up late on his laptop, masturbates more than we make love …I don’t know what to do I am praying and fasting but it is hard! I feel SO HURT! Someone please pray for me! I am very reserved; I don’t know who talk to…
(UK) I hope things are better now. I am praying for you. Sending some love your way. In Christ. S
(USA) I know your loneliness, the stuck on an island feeling. But you are NOT alone; there are millions of us faithful wives out there whose spouses dabble in porn, affecting intimacy on every level, making objects out of us, fostering their selfishness and aggressive speech & handling of us, blaming us for any relationship difficulties, reducing and eventually killing their leadership abilities in the home, and making them very very distant -leaving all duties up to us. Oh, sister, do I understand.
After over two decades of this, I can pick out a married man who’s into porn like a sore thumb by the happiness level of his wife and kids, his own countenance and mannerisms… bet you can, too. Let’s just pray for the Holy Spirit to counsel us, and for us to be wise about what to do. Don’t make hasty decisions, but prayerful ones.
I’m sorry you are hurting! I will pray for you.
(USA) I’m 24 and married to a perfect husband. He does everything for me but we haven’t been able to make love in some time because I have a very low sex drive to no sex drive at all. When he tries to arouse me it doesn’t work. I’m not on any kind of meds or anything, I just dont have any sexual desire whatsoever.
I love him and he loves me but I feel like if I don’t find a way to fix myself our marriage will fail. I’m scared that if I try to arouse myself for him I would be doing something wrong. I just dont know what to do – any advice?
(UK) Hey guys, I looked at all your post very interesting… I’m 26 years, been married for 1 nearly 2 years now. But hearing women talk about men watching porn it’s quite horrifying to know how I made my wife feel. Yes guys, it’s a sin to watch or give them our audiences but come on guys… have a clue. Take it from my experience.
If you are happy in your marriage you want everything to work, right? No one is perfect, but just think of why men and women cheat? One reason is they are not happy in their houses. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been married, rich or how beautiful you are. I once used to be against porn, because I thought, why do I need to watch porn when I have my wife at home, right? I was wrong, listen to my life story.
I met my wife 7 years ago. Our sex life was great for the first 2 years. After our first daughter the sex life started to go downhill. I do understand that kids want too much attention and can put strain in your marriage. But guys tell me, when you want time with your wife or husband and she/he doesn’t seems to have time for you even though you get a babysitter so you both can have good evening together, at least once a week, when that’s sorted out and she wants to talk is the kids, what would the man do to seek attention? And that goes for women, if you put in all your effort and he wants to go to the pub with friends, what you will do to seek attention else where? That’s why men end up watching porn and women jump on the nearest person who shows her attention.
I have been struggling to come to terms with it. My wife and I separated a few months ago and are now back together. We both realise what we were doing was wrong. But I can’t change her because she has a low sex drive. All we can do is meet half way. How can we do that when she thinks all the time that I want sex, and that’s what keeps me happy? At the end of the day guys we are human and sinners.
This goes for women when your husband comes on to you and you decide not to satisfy him. You are telling him to seek it elsewhere. I want to get help for my sex addiction. I don’t want to watch porn or look at other sites that show nude women because there’s only one women that God sent for me, and that is my wife.
(USA) If you truly understood how serious of an offense you were committing to Christ, I highly doubt you would throw the subject of sin around so easily. Even if your wife never wanted sex again YOU are still obligated to God to obey His commandments not the ones that suit your personal beliefs or feel right to you. A man who has been truly transformed in the blood of Christ would not feel as you do in this situation. Your wife is a sexual vessel given from God however, she is much more of a gift than that alone!
God does not take fornication and adultry lightly. That is why it is one of the 2 reasons valid for divorce. That and being an unbeliever but, from the way you seem to take scripture lightly she has two valid reasons to leave this marriage. I would honestly suggest not to hide behind the church going persona and to truly dig into the Bible and the truth. Exit your seeker friendly church and find a church that teaches the God of the Bible not the universal god that whispers what you want to hear. i.e. satan.
(UNITED STATES) I can agree with you on the part about the word but you also must realize there are two parts to it if you are denying you spouse, that is also sin. And the word warns that you are not to deny your partner unless the two of you agree on it for a time of fasting and to not remain consistenty because that can cause the devil to come in. So she can’t just not fulfill his needs that contradict the word and what God instructed on that as well. So you have a point but there is always an A side and a B side to everything; it doesn’t excuse anything because sin is sin I can agree. But you can’t leave this man or anyone to believe that it’s okay to be denied. Useless it’s for the reason above or the spouse is ill causing them not to perform.
(USA) Once again, you outright speak for GOD to others in a very accusing way..Maybe you should think about your own sin first or are you the one who can throw the 1st stone? You completley disregard the wife’s SIN and disobedience and only hold the man accountable, what kind of christian ARE YOU? Have you thought about that from your high horse? To say what someone should feel in that situation is fraudulent and dangerous. Oh I get it, if your a man you are bound to “God’s commandment” but if your a woman you get a free pass, I see..Maybe you should deal with your hidden anger/aggression towards men sweetie.
(AUSTRALIA) Well what can I say… I have been betrayed more than I thought I ever could possibly be. It was our 2nd year of being married 2 days ago and as you expect, we had night of romance. But once I had fallen asleep I woke up at 4 in the morning to find my husband watching Hardcore Porn and masturbating, but he wasn’t even “hard.” I couldn’t believe my eyes.
We are born again Christians and I am a latkes daughter with my parents having the wonderful marriage. We are trying for a baby with IVF as I have lost 3 babies already! I thought our relationship was perfect. Every night I would try to satisfy him, but to find out the history on the computer, his cell phone and magazines!! He has lied to me our whole relationship!! I have no trust at all!
I am wanting to never have sex with him again! I don’t even want to look at him! He has cried non stop and says he’ll never do it again. But how can I forget this? I have prayed and tried to forgive but I can’t see me ever doing this. I feel like he has actually had an affair because he said he would imagine having sex with them. I mean, he says this is a disease and is addicted. But isn’t that just a excuse? We are going to see a counselor in 3 weeks but I have no idea what to do until then… I’m feeling suicide thoughts and it’s 3 days till Christmas with friends and family coming over… What do I do? Please help!
Hi Brittany, I feel so bad for you for all you are going through over this destructive matter. The best advice I can give you is to go into the “Pornography and Cybersex” topic and go into the “Links” part of it. You will find listed a number of web sites, which can GREATLY help you concerning this issue. Your husband is right that it is something that one can become addicted to, much as one who is addicted to drugs, tobacco products, and alcohol. They’ve even done medical studies, which show bio-chemical changes in the brain of those who are addicted. It’s a lot more complicated than most people realize. Until I studied it myself (my husband was once addicted), I didn’t realize the horrible pull it can have on a person.
And just like some people can take a drink here and there and not get addicted, others can’t even take one drink or they will be pulled into or back into a full-blown addiction cycle.
Brittany, I understand what you are going through. I’ve been there. It’s repulsive to those of us who are on the outside. And yes, it is like he had an affair. And he did. He had an affair of the mind –one that is very hard for the offended spouse to get over. But I can also tell you that your husband CAN beat this thing –especially if he is as repentant as you say he is, and especially if he has a spouse who will help him –which will be SO very difficult for you, but important.
I don’t know if this counselor is trained in helping those who are addicted to pornography and also, if he or she is marriage-friendly (which you can read about in the “Marriage Counseling” topic). Those are two VERY important things to have in a counselor you would go to. I HIGHLY encourage you to read through the Pornography and Cybersex topic and visit the web sites we recommend. I truly believe they could greatly help you and your marriage. And who knows? Maybe, eventually, you will be able to help others who find themselves ambushed with this type of problem in their marriage. It’s happening at epidemic numbers. I hope you will make the effort to learn more so you don’t allow the enemy of our faith to gain further victory in your marriage.
And suicide thoughts… although I understand them, again, please don’t give the enemy of our faith the victory. God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life. Please fall into His arms, cry, pray, read, pray, and open your mind and heart in working WITH God and also your husband in gaining the victory here.
I don’t know, but perhaps the Lord led you to discover this deep secret of your husband’s NOW so that you are closer together after He blesses you with a child. Just a thought. I truly pray the best for you — especially for you to have a Christmas of peace and togetherness in celebrating His birth with your family.
(US) Hi. I am here because when I had figured out my husband was addicted to porn it had taken me a moment to approach on the issue but it had gotten to a point where he was masturbating to pornography every single day and was avoiding sexual intercourse with me. He stated that pornography is easier for him than having it with me. This severely depleted any self confidence I had and over time; my self esteem has completely vanished.
I’m barely eating anything – this is how bad it is. People say well you act like he cheated on you. Well, the truth is it will only be a matter of time. Once he finds a woman that is willing to sleep with him while being married there is no doubt in my mind that tells me he would not act on it. I have found him trying to do this with women already but I had to stop that too.
But anyway, when I approached him about the porn, it took him some time for it to slow down and now that it has we have absolutely the worst sexual life a married couple can have. We don’t cuddle, we don’t kiss well; we peck if you call that kissing, and we probably have intercourse now about once or twice a month. We have been married for only a year I’m 24 and feeling one of the worst feelings from a man, that I love deeply, than I have ever felt before all because of pornography.
So I come across him watching it every once in a blue moon but whenever I do it depletes the little bit of confidence I had all over again. Yesterday he didn’t watch porn but he watched booty shaking videos of teenagers, videos about women that seduce married men, it is just awful. I’m a pretty girl, I’m still in my youth, but maybe my body is not good enough I cant be those booty shaking teenagers. I don’t want to say anything about it to him because I am tired of having this conversation and I feel I’m invading his privacy. It is embarrassing for me and I cant help if I am not enough satisfaction for him. Thoughts of cheating or divorce are now crossing my mind because I have an incredibly void feeling in me of being unwanted from my own husband.
Don’t get me wrong, he is awesome in other areas but it feels like we are more of friends than a couple. I made a commitment not only to myself and him but to God and I don’t want to disobey my Lord. I have been seeking to be consoled from the word but it’s not doing it for me. I can only hope that my husband will want to go to marriage counseling to fix the damage that is already done.
(UNITED STATES) I’ve been there and sometimes find myself in that position, but I must say praying about it helps, talking to someone you can trust and someone that relates preferably not family if you can help it. Seek God on who and act on it. It really makes a difference and I pray that everything works for you and your spouse. I know it is hard to have to feel that way but I do that it will be worked out. I too know how those shoes are so let’s be praying one for another because it looks like satan is hitting everyone in this area. God speed.
(USA) My wife simply isn’t interested in sex. We are 62 years old. I desire sex with my wife and have told her so. She just isn’t interested. I physically need release. I would never go to another woman.. I want to honor the Lord, but don’t know what to do.
(SAUDI ARABIA) Yes… you are correct. I am also addicted to porn movies. But I always have control in life and only seek my desires through my wife. I love her more than any sexual desires, which will vanish at one time, but love is eternal… Thanks for sharing feelings.
(USA) One thing that we should also remember about pornography is that the couple we are watching “act out” love are simply that; actors, not marriage partners who have committed themselves before God and man. I believe that pornography is a sexual sin against our minds and the only way to stop the continual invasion of this sin is to quit cold turkey. What you don’t feed, will not grow.
(AMERICA) I’m so grateful that I came across this article. I am preparing myself for a Christian marriage. However, when I was in the world, I loved using porn as a sexual enhancer to create magical moments in the bedroom with my ex-husband. But now that I am saved, I was unsure if that would be considered sin. Yes, it is. Now I know. I am a new creation and I have to do it in a way that glorifies God! That would be lusting/adultery! Thanks again!
(TAIWAN) I am married but me and my husband are separated because of our work. He wants to do cyber sex but I resist. He always get angry everytime I resist him, he said it’s ok because we are husband and wife and we are married. I’m afraid because I thought it is a form of pornography.