This is a tough, tough subject because there is such a misunderstanding of what trust entails. Many people think rebuilding trust is tied in with forgiving someone. But in reality, forgiving someone and trusting them are two different acts of faith. You can forgive a person without trusting them. But you cannot trust a person without forgiving them first.
It’s important to realize that trusting a person is not a prerequisite to forgiving them. Trusting God is. You are trusting God, when you forgive. Please don’t mix and intertwine the two.
Rebuilding Trust: Releasing Yourself
Forgiveness is something you give to release yourself from carrying the burden and the pain any further. Your trust is in God. You trust God to carry that burden and to eventually bring justice (in this life and/or the next). It is separate from your trust in that person. Nonetheless, it is difficult.
“Forgiveness is one of the most painful decisions we can make. We know that somehow we’re supposed to forgive. But when we step right up to it, we feel as though we’re being asked to turn ourselves inside out, tear out our hearts. And then we give them into the hands of our enemy.
“…Forgiveness is not a cruel demand that a sadistic God imposes on the hurting. It is the painful but healing door to freedom. It is surgery on the heart that extracts the poison of bitterness so we can move forward into a healthy life.
“Forgiveness is a choice we make intentionally. It is not because we just want to put the memory behind us, because we’ve been told we must, or because we think it will cause God to give us what we want. We choose to forgive because we recognized the tremendous mercy and power in God’s forgiveness of us.
“If God is able to forgive us our enormous cache of sin, our forgiveness of one who has hurt us is small in comparison. (Linda W. Rooks, from the book, Broken Heart on Hold
)
Something else to consider on the subject of forgiveness is that:
“Forgiveness is not a feeling.
If you are waiting until the feeling to forgive comes upon you, it’s unlikely to occur. Forgiveness should be an act of obedience to God because we trust him. It’s because we believe He has our best interest at heart. God knows that hanging on to revenge, anger, and rage can destroy us spiritually, emotionally and physically. Christ paid too much for his Beloved ones to have them a slave to anything, much less hatred. He wants his children free. And a person is never free when weighed down with the ball and chain of bitterness. When the cold shackles of revenge are tightly clasped around our wrists, it’s impossible to lift our hands in praise to Him. (Laura Petherbridge, from the Crosswalk.com article, What Forgiveness is NOT)
I could continue on with this subject MUCH further. But instead, I want to focus on rebuilding trust. If you are struggling to forgive someone, I encourage you to read through the QUOTES in the “Bitterness and Forgiveness” topic. And then go on to read more articles in that topic, which you perceive will help you in this mission.
Rebuilding Trust in Your Marriage
But as your work through the process of forgiving someone, the question is often raised to us here at Marriage Missions, “how do I trust this person again?”
My answer is perhaps you will be able to eventually do that and perhaps you won’t. Trusting someone is dependent upon the actions of the person you are placing your trust in. Plus it is dependent upon allowing yourself to have faith in him or her that he or she will not violate your trust again.
“Forgiveness is not saying what the person did is okay.
Many people reject forgiveness because it feels as though the wrongdoer is getting away with the offense. Our human nature wants the person who hurt us to suffer. Forgiveness isn’t ignoring what the person did, or pretending they are wonderful.
“Forgiveness is not trusting the person. The majority of incorrect teaching on forgiveness typically and destructively falls under this category. After a betrayal it is crucial for trust to be earned over time. Trust is not an automatic right of the offender. Forgiveness does not mean you immediately allow the person back into your life or your heart. If they are repentant, and willing to work on restoring the relationship, you might be able to trust them again eventually. However, sometimes those who wound us shouldn’t be trusted again. A truly repentant person doesn’t make demands or misuse Bible verses in an attempt to make you feel guilty. They humbly accept complete responsibility for the sin and willingly accept the consequences for their poor choices (Psalm 51).
“I have people in my life that I have forgiven. However, I no longer trust them because they have chosen to continue in the same negative life patterns that caused the problem. (Laura Petherbridge, from the Crosswalk.com article, What Forgiveness is NOT)
Phases of Rebuilding Trust
Anne Bercht, who wrote the book, My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me
“One lady shared a valuable graph regarding the phases of trust pertaining to infidelity. Before disclosure of the affair, trust is high. After disclosure of an affair, trust plummets to an all time low. Through SINCERITY (breaking all ties now with the third party) trust climbs perhaps 30%. Through ABILITY (discussing the affair, answering questions and proven behavior during this time) trust climbs another 30% or so. Also, through DURABILITY (being faithful, open and honest —proven behavior —over an extended period of time) one can regain full trust. IT TAKES TIME, WITH WORK AND PROVEN BEHAVIOR.
“Bottom line: You shouldn’t just blindly trust anyone. We all have to develop skills in discerning who to trust and when to trust. And we need to JUDGE THE BEHAVIOR AND NOT THE WORDS.” (From the Passionate Life Seminars web site article, “Building Trust After an Affair”)
But how do you trust that your spouse is truly sorry for what he or she has done? Here’s a related article, written by Leslie Vernick that I encourage you to read and glean through:
• HOW DO YOU KNOW SOMEONE IS TRULY SORRY?
Lost Trust
To explain this point further, Paul Byerly (The-generous-husband.com), wrote on the subject of trust that has been lost. He puts it this way:
“What happens when trust is lost?
It is not a simple matter of doing once again what was required to earn the trust in the first place. Earning back lost trust is far more difficult than earning trust in the first place. Each additional violation of trust makes it even more difficult to earn back the trust. And if trust if violated too many times, it becomes humanly impossible to it get back.
“If you have violated your wife’s trust [the same advice is true if the wife’s trust is violated], you need to understand that her unwillingness or inability to trust you again is not about her. It’s about you. If she trusted you originally, that means she is able to trust. If she no longer trusts you because of your actions that means it’s on you. She can’t read your mind. She has no way of knowing you mean it this time. But she does know you didn’t mean it last time.
“Getting upset with her for not trusting you is only kicking her while she is down. Being mad that she does not believe you, when you have proven you cannot be trusted, only makes the situation worse. This is especially true if you have violated trust multiple times, be it the same issue or different ones.” (To read more, please click into the article, “When Trust is Gone“)
What Caused the Break?
One of the many aspects of building trust is to try to figure out what caused the break in the first place. There are a variety of reasons the original offense or offenses occurred. Of course, we know it is because sin was given its opportunity.
Sometimes it is the person who commits the wrong-doing (or sin) who is alone responsible for every part of what he or she committed. And ultimately, that is true. No one else MAKES him or her make this wrongful choice. But as one counselor wrote, “there must be understanding of what is going on in the relationship for the behavior to occur.”
“…An example may be of a husband who lies.
When he tells the truth about a matter, he pays a high price. His wife may yell and criticize him so he deals with it by avoiding confrontation and continuing to lie. While you are not responsible for the choices your partner makes, it is important to reflect on your contribution to the dynamic of the marriage. Understanding where your communication with each other breaks down and your responsibility in that, is important to healing and rebuilding trust.
“During the process of rebuilding trust, it is important not to do more damage. There is no room for punishment. This may feel better in the moment. But to use the incident as ammunition does nothing to heal and rebuild trust.” (Dana Vince)
It’s difficult NOT to retaliate, but it will undermine the building process. That doesn’t mean that you don’t confront and deal with the issue at hand. But while you are doing so, remember that it’s important to do so in a way that will not contribute to killing the marriage relationship in the process. You are not alone responsible for this. But for your part, you want to cause the least damage you can.
Rebuilding Trust is Difficult
Lets face it, there is nothing easy about the process of building trust again. But again, please know that in order for it to eventually happen, it is not dependent upon you alone.
As we touched upon earlier, one of many steps in being able to rebuild or repair trust is repentance or true sorrow on the part of the one who hurt you. Counselor and author Steve Arteburn, writes:
“There must be genuine sorrow on the part of the betrayer. This also is a key to rebuilding trust. Without it, it’s like building a brick wall without cement. The goal of rebuilding trust is that at some point there is genuine sorrow on the part of the one who lived the lie, and genuine forgiveness on the part of the one betrayed. Without both of these conditions, the marital reconciliation is going to be very superficial and very unsatisfying to both parties.”
To learn more, please click onto the Marriagetrac.com article:
• 4 STEPS TO REPAIRING TRUST IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Marriage and family counselor, Lynette Hoy, in an article posted on the Counsel Care Connection web site talks about another participant in repairing trust:
“…Trust begins and ends with God.
The next fact is that trusting another person has to have a certain expectation of failure and thus be combined with a willingness to forgive.
“Another point is that you don’t put in a quarter and out drops a can of trust. Trust grows over time. People are complex. Broken beings therefore, previous hurts, fears or losses can impede their determination to trust and/or be truthful in a relationship. But, people have the capacity to grow in trust and truthfulness. You and God can help build trust into your relationships.”
To learn more about this process of rebuilding trust, please read the following articles written by Lynette Hoy. You will see that part of the advice will overlap. You will see though, that there is also unique information and scriptures given in both:
• HEALING YOUR BROKEN MARRIAGE BY RE BUILDING TRUST
Additionally:
• 4 WAYS TO HELP YOUR SPOUSE TRUST YOU AGAIN
There is a lot that goes into repairing and rebuilding trust. Much of it is out of your hands. But to the degree that you can participate in the process, the following scriptures comes to mind to embrace:
“In God I have put my trust: I will not be afraid what man can do unto me.” (Psalm 56:11)
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
Filed under: Bitterness and Forgiveness Surviving Infidelity
(BOTSWANA) My comment on the subject at hand is brief and to the point. Those men who are abusive do not know God and what he requires of them. A church goer would do such a thing, but not a Christian. God is clear about that issue and its consequences: if you do that, you hinder your prayers. You wouldn’t want to have a setback in life, would you?
I repeat: Christians cannot abuse, but church goers do. They have the same reasons as those that are termed “non christians” -jealousy, insecurity, you name them. BE WISE –God is a consuming fire.
(USA) Well said Lorato. I put you in my “Hero Book.” So many believe that anyone who professes Christ or attends church is saved but we see the reality in the fruit they bear. The devil loves to emphasize that we are not saved by works and lead so many to believe that as long as you have claimed Christ you can do whatever you wish when the reality is that simply means there is nothing we can do (other than trust Christ to get to Heaven) IT DOES MATTER HOW WE LIVE AND ALL THAT WE DO.
When I asked my cheating “Christian” husband what would have happened if Christ had returned while he was in that affair he said, and brace yourself “Oh, I knew I wasn’t going to hell. Couldn’t go to hell.” I know he was mistaken! God calls the house of a whore “A pathway to hell” in Proverbs.
Be assured that it does matter what we do, “Depart from me ye workers of iniquity, I never knew you” is Jesus speaking to those that smugly believe because they made a profession they can do as they please and still go to heaven and the devil loves it!
(USA) I am curious to know what others think about continuing in a marriage where trust has been broken many times and many lies have been told. Infidelity via looking for other women to go out with and contacting them online happened. I forgave but he never really expressed sorrow or a desire to rebuild my trust. He didn’t seem to realize the impact it had on trust. I’m a Christian woman, which makes divorce double hard. What do I do? End things or try try try try try again alone?
Olivia, I have been in your shoes, and actually am again right now. My ex fiance never did show any remorse, and blamed his cheating on me. He never took any responsibility for his actions, so I left him and have never looked back. That was about 15 years ago. I am married now and have been for 13 years. My husband cheated on me 2 years ago and it has been rough. He confessed to more than I needed to and wanted to know, and some days I am still so angry because of his cheating and the lies that went along with it. My husband has cheated on me before as well, while we were engaged, so I have been hurt by him before. He’s broken my trust many times, but I love him, so I have stayed. He’s always been a very insecure person and I believe that is why he’s been a cheater. He has a history of cheating with every person he’s ever been with. I thought that by loving him as much as I do, that I could change him, but it doesn’t work that way. He had to want to change. It took him a long time to realize that he couldn’t keep hurting me if he wanted me to stay married to him. I told him that he needed to go to counseling, and he has been going and he enjoys having an “outsiders” view point. He looks forward to his sessions. He has shown a lot of remorse, he has asked me to forgive him, to give him another chance and he has changed. The old him would never have asked for my forgiveness or shown any remorse. I am so sorry that your husband hasn’t shown any of that. If you are still with him, please let us know how things are going for the two of you, and if you’re not still with him, please know that it’s not your fault if things didn’t work out.
Hello all, I think I am on the opposite side as to most that I have read. I am a guy that has destroyed his marriage. I never cheated in a physical sense, but I did contact women I found online. I was and am addicted to pornography and dating sites. I keep telling my wife and myself I can beat this. But I can’t; it has beaten me. I am looking at my life now in a collective shamble of what it once was.
My wife hates me, though she says she doesn’t want a divorce yet, I know that it is almost inevitable. I am dumb, I am stupid, I am ashamed of who I have become. I cry knowing the one person that loves me, cries herself to sleep because she is with me. I wish I had a magic wand to go back in time and take the time to fix the problem in the beginning, now the trust that was there is so damaged I doubt there will ever be a chance for reconciliation.
I am just now seeking help for my problems. I am talking with a counselor and I am going to start a support group tomorrow. I wish your significant others could know what they where doing to you and to their future. I know I wish I could have seen it myself. My greatest fear now, is that I cant change. I don’t want my kids to think of me as a bad guy, and I definitely never wanted my wife to view me that way. I hope I can some day regain some of what I have lost.
Hello Aron, first I want to congratulate and encourage you for acknowledging you have an issue and desiring to change. Second if you truly want to change you can – with God’s help. He has the power and ability to soften the hardest hearts and break the strongest chains. Don’t feed into the negativity the evil one is speaking in your ear.
I recommend you read the The 5 Love Languages
and come to discover you and your wife’s love language. Even if your wife won’t read it too, you can begin to speak in her language and show here how much you love her. You need to develop a very close and personal relationship with God.
My husband has struggled with porn, cyber relationships, sexting, video relationships and has even led to an actual affair. He has repented and we are working on rebuilding our marriage. It definitely is far from easy but it is possible. Stay committed to your marriage, put God first and be determined to love your wife.
Oh wow. It’s interesting that you mentioned the book The 5 Love Languages
because I have this book opened on my chest right now. I’m reading it and decided to take a breather. I recommend that he reads it, as well. There are some eye opening concepts that he might find helpful. God bless.
I’m in that situation as well, except my husband has “tried” to stop looking at porn. He also suffers from alcoholism. When things got really bad, he chose to stop. He kept a journal of prayers, wrote in it every day and went 40 days sober from both. Then relapsed and quit doing his journal. He went 22 more days sober from drinking, but I’m not sure about the porn. Since he quit praying though, he hasn’t been as strong to say no to the devil’s temptations. I so badly wish he would see this connection, but he is blind to it.
I know that he believes in God, and he even goes to church with me, but I know he is one of those mentioned previously in the comments that thinks because he says he is a Christian he can do whatever with no consequences or option of hell. I dont believe he is truly saved because of his actions and thoughts about certain things. I pray every day that God will shine his light and love on him and lay it on his heart to hand his life over to him. I pray that God will use me to draw my husband to him, that he will work through me. I’ve watched the movie “War Room” and it made me realize that I had been praying for him the wrong way. I was praying for what I wanted from him for myself instead of praying for his soul. I wanted God to change him, but now I see that it is me that needs to change.
I need to draw myself nearer to God, and be more like Christ and pray for my husband’s life and what God wants from him rather than what I want from my husband and our marriage. I will admit that this is extremely difficult due to all of the pain his addictions have caused me and the fact that I know he isn’t truly sorry; but I’m trying! Detachment is hard, especially when I know what he has to do to make things better(confess his sins and give his life to God). I struggle with trusting him every day, but I just keep praying because that is all I can do; God will do the rest and whatever is HIS will is what will be.
I will keep you in my prayers.
I’m having the same problem. He cheated on me many times and is still always looking online. It’s hard to believe anything because I’m seeing with my own eyes. I’m wondering if he even cares. I just don’t know what to do.
(INDIA) I have read and agree on this. Have some doubt though. Suppose we are not doing or commiting any fraud or telling lies? All bad as well good of the past was told but in some circumstances we are not able to prove ourself and we lose trust of being very close because of one on many incidents. In such a case if the person does not want to speak or listen on this matter what am I to do?
(USA) I have been trying to gain trust back for my husband. I do not want to divorce him. I love him very much, and I know he loves me as well. We have been married for 6 years, together for 8. We met when I was 49 and it was unexpected to fall in love again, let alone marry. He is a good father to my, our, daughter, now 19 and living on her own. He is a good provider, he is a gifted artist, he does the majority of the cooking as I am not very good at it. He takes care of our vehicles, our yards, and works very hard to assure our well-being. We share humor, which is very important to me, love to laugh and make others laugh. we laugh a lot. We enjoy the same things, we have very different childhood backgrounds but try very hard to not allow our past to define us or our future.
I am a survivor of a childhood that was surrounded by violence, alcohol, physical and sexual abuse, started at appx. age 8 up until 14. I have memories of those dark days however fragmented. I am unable to recall in detail, dates, year, only the images of those days come swiftly back to me from time to time, but I am not able to recall all of the events. I do recall my mom being beating on regular basis. I do recall them going out to drink and sometimes they did not come home together. Those times, her husband, my step father, came home to me. I blocked out the rapes, at least I suppose I did, as I couldn’t speak of it, not for long time. I was told he would kill my mom and brothers if I ever spoke of it. I’d also die after watching. I went through life praying for someone to help me, to help us. I felt guilty for not saving my mom, my brothers, I became desperate to just vanish. I’d hide and I would pray… please God make this go away… send me an Angel to keep me company.
Well, finally, my mom did break free from him, but then all the ugly stuff came out. It hurt her, it hurt me, it hurt the family and friends who would know of it. It was many years before my mom and I even spoke about it –don’t know why but couldn’t do it. I went on with my life, had a career for 20 years, had my own daughter and raised her by myself… was content, and happy and accepted, not going to be with someone, no marriage for me… wrong. Well, I am very blessed, my husband is awesome.
There is this one thing, a big one to me… he has, for years, been very into porn. He watches on line and he has been on chats, as well. I admit to watching video once in a while together, but only together. I have found him on the computer watching porn a few times and usually get all upset, we argue, etc. I finally told him I just don’t want to walk in and find him watching, to be discreet if he must do that and be honest about it, should not be excessive thing. Anyway, the big deal was catching him on chat. This I feel is betrayal. It has been a few times over the years, recently found him again. He had just started so he says… and not a regular thing.
I want to believe him, but I really don’t. I’m hurt and am trying to forgive. I really have as we’re still working on our marriage but part of me feels so distant. I find myself watching and trying to find out stuff on the internet. I can hire a company to check on where he’s going on the internet, prove if he’s doing what I think he may be, but I don’t want to do that. Also, I must be prepared if I find out he is, to walk away, which I would do. So until I hire someone or can get over trying to catch him at this I’m in this limbo state. I love him but trust isn’t easy for me. Abandonment, abuse, fear,
suspicion, all come into play, even if I don’t want that. I trusted him so much at the start, but now I feel a part of me has died.
Can this really be ok? I find myself over the time together, snapping at him. Sometimes I know why I get mad and act cold; sometimes I really don’t. I can only assume it’s from past abuse. I’ve gone to therapy before, but not since raising my daughter have I felt the need to go. I’m dealing with empty nest issues; it’s so hard for me, I miss her so much. And now it’s just my husband and me and all to this to deal with. I have poor health; I’m a cancer survivor 3 yrs, but not real well. I don’t really know what to do. Is someone guilty of infidelity if it’s some stranger on line they’re being sexual with? It makes me so upset. I want to trust. He swears he’s not going to do it again, but I don’t know. So I just figure, will be trusting as possible? I want this union to work… but if he blows it, then I will leave. So, I need to find a way to not react so quickly and to become less cold as I get at times. It does not help us… anyway, I pray these ghosts that haunt me will one day truly be gone. Thanks for your ear.
(NIGERIA) I just wanna use this opportunity to say thank you.
Have to be careful with this one…Trust and trustworthiness can be very vague subjects. What is an issue with one spouse may be totally irrelevant to the other. Sometimes a person will bring baggage from previous situations with no grounds for the accusation presently. Some will use the accusations just to rattle the other partner. In my church, we have had sermons about having the mind of Christ. Both sides have to have this mindset to keep the Enemy out of the relationship. Peace And Blessings To All
How can I get my husband to trust me again after my infidelity?
That is what this article is about –this one and the other you commented on previously, “Rebuilding Your Marriage After YOU Had the Affair.” Please prayerfully re-read both, asking God to reveal to you truths you need to implement, and then pray that God will help your husband to heal. Hopefully, as you do what you need to do, he will give you the chance to help in that healing. He has a free will. He can decide whether he wants to open his heart to you again or not. He was not only betrayed by you but by his best friend. That’s doubly hard. Grieve for him, and with him (if he allows it), and allow him the time, grace, and space to sort all of this out. Do your part and hope and pray for the best.
Sometimes trust can be rebuilt again, and sometimes not. All you can do is your part… realizing that this will not be a “quick fix” type of situation (as much as you want it to be). There is no “rewind” button or an emotional eraser that can tend to this type of devastation. Marital betrayal stabs at the heart. You don’t get over a deeply wounded heart attack easily. MUCH must be done over a long period of time to bring about any type of healing that can occur. I hope you will do your part in helping in this way… even if it’s just praying for him at a distance (if that is all he will allow). Now is the time to be generous in giving him what he truly needs. I pray for both of you, and wish you both the best that can come out of this situation.
The article makes some good points. You can’t GET anyone to trust you. They have to believe that you’re trustworthy. Trust really isn’t about THEM, it’s about you making a consistent and convincing case that you’re trustworthy.
It’s not about blaming them if they don’t respond on your timeline. It’s not about blaming them your breaking the trust I.E. I had an affair because you…. (that’s a sure way to NOT earn back the trust). It’s not about simply saying, I won’t do it again. You likely said and even believed you wouldn’t betray him, so words are not helpful here. Earning back trust is simply making a credible case by your actions that you’re trustworthy.
I use simple to describe what it is. That doesn’t mean it’s easy. By breaking trust, you’ve placed yourself in a deficit position. It may be difficult, if not impossible, in some cases to overcome that deficit. But the only sure way to have a chance is to be consistently trustworthy.
With God, all things are possible. Trusting again is difficult but not impossible. I have been married for 21 years with lots of issues of betrayal. I am taking baby steps in matters of trust as my husband is neither sorrowful nor repentant fully. Or at least he does not show. But, I know our Lord is faithful and will deliver him and transform him one day.
My main concern right now is spiritual growth and protection for me and my children. I have accepted what has happened and am focusing on God on whom I have put my trust and who continues to give me energy and strength for each day.
We pray for all marriages that are going through issues of unfaithfulness for it is really painful but we believe in a God who is more than enough for us. Even when we are unable to trust our spouse, our unchanging God remains our rock and we know we can trust him fully. If God says he has a good plan for me, he surely does regardless of how my circumstances look at the moment. Be blessed.
Oh Patricia! You wrote exactly what I needed to read and I thank you for allowing God to use you! My husband of 9 years betrayed me after 3 wonderful (or so I thought) years of marriage. We’ve never discussed it and he is a most miserable man to live with. I probably would never have believed it, had the woman he had the affair with not talked with me for 3 days about it! She asked him if I knew and said he told her “I’m sure she does” which was totally untrue. I didn’t have a CLUE until she sat me down on her couch and said I’ve been sleeping with your husband. You might as well have cut my throat!
I’m truly putting my trust in my God know that he is faithful and just to complete the work He has begun in me! I couldn’t go through each day without His strength and loving hand to guide me. I just need to practice heaping coals of kindness! God bless! …Robin H.
“If you have violated your wife’s trust [and the same advice is true if it’s the husband whose trust was violated by his wife], you need to understand that her unwillingness or inability to trust you again is not about her; it’s about you. If she trusted you originally, that means she is able to trust. If she no longer trusts you because of your actions that means it’s on you. She can’t read your mind, she has no way of knowing you mean it this time; but she does know you didn’t mean it last time.
Can I talk one on one with someone regarding trust? Please.
I swear I wish I could find a trust sponsor. Someone to help me interpret my thoughts and his behaviors and figure out how to learn to trust him. . . .and myself for that matter. I am scared all the time and it’s been a year since he’s stopped (with the exception of FB). I believe he is really trying and so much is very different but I don’t know how to let it go. Every time the simplest thing happens I immediately go back and think, “is this what he was doing before or is he telling the truth?” I’m losing my mind and I think I’m beginning to push him away.
I hurt my fiancé. It was an issue involving money. I called him a fraudster because I thought he was running away. I spoke out of frustration and said very cruel things to him. I regret it all deeply. I think he wants to leave the relationship. What can I do? I apologize every day but he never responds and he is not answering my calls. I’m so depressed and I hate myself for allowing money to come between us.
Well let me start by saying I am a GOD fearing man. I’ve been a long time follower of my Lord JESUS. So, with that being said I am also human which means I make mistakes and big ones at that. I had an afair on my wife; it wasn’t a sexual one but an emotional one. I know it wasn’t right but I did it anyway. I’m not proud of it. My marriage has been a shaky one from the start. My wife is an addict in recovery and it has been an abusive one at times in the height of her addiction and I was on the the other end of that stick. I know that it isn’t an excuse to cheat, but I did. I am truly repentant and asking God for grace and his mercy and my wife’s as well. Many things have gotten in the way: kids,foster kids, finances and outside influences. But I am looking to God for all my answers. So if anyone wants to condemn me I understand and if you want to pray for my wife and I it’s appreciated and welcomed to successfully sail this stormy sea.
I’ve been a Christian all my life but am finding it hard to trust my husband. I used to. I’ve loved him. I still do. I just can’t shake the feeling that he isn’t being completely honest with me and doesn’t want to be accountable for fixing the damage caused by unwise decisions he’s made. I need help!
I’m having a very hard time trusting again. I’m not sure how many times I’ve been cheated on but I know of two in the past 6 months. We’re together for 22 years , started at 16. Married for 8, with 2 kids. Says he wants to stay , I’m not sure I believe it won’t happen again or that I can trust again.
I have made a huge mistake and broken the trust of the woman I love, the mother of my two children, and my wife and partner of seven years. I’ve been lying to her, almost from the beginning, about who I am. I told her I graduated with a certain degree from university, and I didn’t. I told her I had worked in the field of my study, and I hadn’t. We have been together for seven years and married for one. Eventually, she began to have suspicions, but I lied and she brushed her concerns and questions under the mat. It came to a head over time and then recently she began to do a little checking of her own. She was able to confirm a few of her concerns and confronted me on them, to see what I would do. Of course my first instinct was to lie, like I had for so many years, but I didn’t. I said I couldn’t answer her right now. Unbelievably, she was okay with that answer. I took the time to weigh out the situation.
Could or should I continue to lie? Could I find a feasible way to confirm my lies as the truth and therefore settle her concerns and question? I knew that my life as I knew it depended on what I did. I told her the truth. I came forward with each of the questions she had originally asked me and confessed the lie or half truth I had told her.
Although she already knew or had a good idea of the answers to the questions she had asked me, she was broken. She was surprised I didn’t continue to lie. Thank goodness I didn’t. She said she needed space to process and figure out what she was going to do next. We have an empty suite downstairs so I have moved there to give her space and room. I’ve been down here for two weeks now. It kills me being apart from her and our kids. Sure I see them all daily, but it is definitely not the same.
We are trying to seek Christian Counseling right now, for us together, and as individuals. I think she has forgiven me, but she doesn’t trust me at all. I have promised I will never lie to her again, no matter how hard the truth is to tell. I know my word and promise mean nothing, but it is one of the few things I have right now. The other thing I have are my actions. Seeking counseling and recognizing that there is problem is important, to her and obviously to me. Thank goodness she is open to seeking counseling and not ready to throw me out the door. We are both separately praying for guidance and strength in this, all though I know what I want, to be back with my family, and she to figure out what to do next. I don’t know what’s next for us.
I don’t know if this is a trust I can rebuild or if she even wants to. I am leaning so heavily on God and doing my best to trust Him. I have asked forgiveness of Him so many times in the past for my actions but now that this is all out on the table I feel a greater sense of forgiveness from Him than I have in many, many years. I am so afraid of losing my family and praying that inevitably that will not be the case.