My husband, Ron, admits that he used to be jerk, but I discovered a secret formula that turned him into a loving husband. I started treating him like a VIP! Ron always wanted me to respect him, but I thought he had to earn it and I had to feel it, before I could do it. Wrong.
We women are very good at pointing out our husbands’ faults and failures and punishing them for not meeting our needs, but that only leads to discontent and distance in our marriages. We all know that yelling, nagging, and belittling are disrespectful and ineffective. So I’m suggesting a radical concept: Treat him like a king, and eventually, he will begin to treat you like a queen.
Act Respectfully
Instead of waiting for him earn your respect, behave respectfully and you could watch him grow into the man God designed him to be.
Twenty five years ago, our marriage was on the brink of divorce. I was controlling, critical and disrespectful so Ron was defensive and angry. We were both Christians but neither of us was living a spirit-filled life. I was letting my emotions determine my actions and thought it was Ron’s job to make me happy. But through a series of miracles (read my book for the whole story) we made a decision to rebuild our marriage.
The Plan
We went to a Christian counselor who read Ephesians 5:33. “Nevertheless let each one of you so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” He said, “Nancy, the only way you will win Ron back and stay married is if you begin to respect your husband.” I knew he was right so I swallowed hard and came up with a plan.
Here are three of the ways I began to respect Ron: They are easy to remember because they spell out the goal—to treat him like a V.I.P.
Respect him Verbally, Intellectually, and Physically.
Verbally: Cut out (ok… cut back) complaining and add in compliments.
If you want to have a peaceful, happy marriage, learn the art of the compliment. Compliments are like magnets and the more you compliment your husband the more he will be attracted to you. Begin to notice when he does it right and verbally encourage him by complimenting him at least once a day.
If you are having a hard time thinking of anything to admire, consider these categories: physical traits, mental skills, financial strengths, spiritual growth, or healthy relationships with others (children, parents, or friends).
Why Should I?
You may be asking “Hey, why should I compliment him when he NEVER compliments me?” It’s because, if you want your marriage to grow and bloom, you’ll have to water it with kindness and encouragement. Then, as he sees your sincere efforts, he will begin to change too. Don’t give up.
If you do need to bring up a difficult issue, place it between two compliments, also known as a “Compliment Sandwich.” Here’s an example, “Honey, I know how hard you work for our money and that Sally’s braces will be expensive, but I need your decision before her appointment tomorrow. I hope we can do this for her, but if you want to wait, I trust your judgment. What should I tell the orthodontist?”
Intellectually:
Men like to solve problems and fix things. So appeal to his intelligence by asking him to help you solve a problem. Instead of saying “This garage is a mess, clean up your camping stuff!” Try, “I’d like your help with something. Could you figure out a storage system for all the camping supplies?”
Don’t imply that he isn’t smart. Instead of saying “I think you are wrong about…” Say, “I’m confused about… please explain it again” (Remember to keep your tone of voice sarcasm-free.)
Request his help on Spiritual matters too.
Ask him to explain a passage of Scripture or ask him to pray for you when you are going through a difficult time. If your husband is not the spiritual leader in your home, continue to pray for him and ask him if there is anything you are doing that is hindering his relationship with God.
Men don’t give a lot of weight to feelings—show them facts and they’ll be more likely to listen. For example: if he wants to buy a car that you think is too expensive, don’t launch into a hissy-fit, write out your monthly expenses and ask him what other things should be cut out in order to buy his car. Let the facts speak for you.
When you cannot reach an agreement, instead of trying to wear him down by nagging or crying say, “Is that your final decision or can I still try to convince you?” If it’s his final decision, then honor it. It’s freeing—let him carry the responsibility of your family.
Physically:
Physically ask what he would like you to do and then, do it. Find out what his top three needs are. Ron likes the laundry done, sex a least twice a week (guaranteed!) and he likes me to keep my “girly-make-up stuff” off of the bathroom counter. If these top needs are met, he’s content and easy to get along with. I know it sounds simple, but each of us have different things that make us feel loved and appreciated. You won’t know what he wants unless you ask him.
Be aware of your body language. You can communicate disrespect by rolling your eyes, crossing your arms, or slamming doors. Reflect your new decision to respect your husband in your heart, mind, and body.
Change your attitude and actions
Respect is both a verb and a noun. It’s an action and an attitude. So begin today to respect your husband in thought, word, and deed. He will be more willing and able to give you the love and affection you need if he is respected and admired. When I began to respect my husband, he was skeptical at first. However as he saw that I was committed to change, he began to treat me differently—lovingly. We now teach at couples’ events, helping others discover the blessings of true love in action.
Ask the Lord to strengthen you as you obey His word.
Remember:
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)
This article is adapted from the great book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome: How to Grow Affair Proof Hedges Around Your Marriage
Author Nancy C Anderson and her husband Ron, speak nationally to couples’ groups of all denominations. They share their message of hope and restoration with tenderness and humor. If you live in the United States and would like for them to speak with your group please contact them at www.RonAndNancyAnderson.com. You may also want to visit their blog at www.joyfulmarriage.blogspot.com.
Filed under: For Married Women
(UNITED STATES) To Betty: I can feel your pain. Wow, you are a strong woman. I do agree with the person who responded that you must forgive. But I wonder why you are still with him? Maybe you could have filed for a peaceful divorce? OR you could have worked on your own goals. I know it is your life, but please take care of yourself.
My mother has been bitter about certain relatives in her past who hurt her A LOT. So the only way to HEAL is to forgive and then MOVE ON. Find better people. Sometimes it does takes years to move on, but getting back on your own two feet makes you a stronger person. Pray to God; take care of yourself, forgive the man, find someone else after divorcing him? lol.
Oh and one more thing Betty, now that I think about it, perhaps you stayed because you felt you could have changed him? Or you thought it was your fault? OR you wanted to be loved by him BECAUSE you had felt that he was the ONE? OR he somehow resembles your parents? So there is some type of attachment you were wanting the kind you had with your parents? Maybe if you had moved on like you can right now then you could find something to do that you love that would fill that void.
I mean life is VERYYY tough, but it is meant to mold us in such a way that towards the end of our journey we to become more aware, which is a good thing. More aware means a better perception about ourselves and the world around us. Anyway, I am sorry for what you went through but I wish you had not waited so long. Take care!
(CHINA) I am not a Christian nor any other. But I do not rule out that there is no god. Anyway, great article up there. Although I am not married yet, it taught me a lot with being patient, and a goal in life to set. To build up my will power and to be able to stick with it. Great advice, seriously.
I do admire my boyfriend, but I do tend to verbally attack him quite often and it has come to the point where he feels disrespected by me instead of ‘taking advantage’ of it in a way. Anyway, I shall take the 1st step and start forgeting the words I use to label him and discomfort him. I hope it works soon though… sigh.
Its’ werid somehow, it just happens to be this one last one you want to be with, lacks the ability to understand things directly from what you say. Weird brains. Anyway, thanks!
(USA) Wow Lisa, it is not ungodly to leave an abuser. You must leave for the sake of children, yourself. Why do women think they need to suffer to be right with God? God already suffered for you! Leave and get on with your life; ask God’s forgiveness and guidance. Counseling helps very few people. God will help you. You will be so much happier, poorer, lonely – but that will change and the burden lifted will be great.
(ETHIOPIA) Someone please help. Last week my husband was so mad at me that he yelled because he says I do not respect him. On my part, if this has ever happened then it has been unintentional. He says I always like things to be done my way, where as I feel he never wants us to talk and come to a conclusion. I could ask him ‘what time do we leave tomorrow?’ and he will ask me ‘what time do you want to leave?’ and if i say five, that will be it. Am I wrong in such a case coz this happens a lot?
And somehow, my ideas always seem to work more that his. For instance, I came home from the maket to find he had arranged the baby’s room, but it was so crowded with no space. So I suggested how we should re-do the furniture and it worked perfectly. There’s enough room to move around and it’s beautiful, so is this also disrespect? Should I have just left it as unoperational as it was?
Another thing is that I like planning ahead, even if it’s just going to be a lazy weekend. Lets say, I could want to know, so what time will you be back from the garage coz we need to be at the X’s by 3 pm for tea, and I’ll also need to go to the salon? In essence, I wish to know such info so that I time myself and dash to the salon in the morning so that when he comes back from the garage, I am also home and we leave for the XX’s house. In answering, he will tell me, “I dont know what time I will get back, we will see.” This really agitates me coz I then don’t know how to programme myself and when I start even wondering if I’ll make it for the next appointment i just get so worked up and will be in a foul mood by the time he gets home, even if he does come back in good time.
He also says, his word is never final, and I’m left wondering, then where does the partnership come in? When am I suppossed to give my idea, or sugeestion or opinion? Which is at times the most workable? I’ve been praying to know him better and know how to respect him more, but since he hit the roof with it, I also feel distant from him somehow. Now I am now talking less lest I say or suggest something that will disrespect him. SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT AM DOING WRONG!!!
(USA) I have always prayed that my wife would treat me like this. I have always lifted her up (and torn her down at times- of which I am very sorry and ashamed) but she never lifts me up. She has even gone to the extremes of telling friends and perfect strangers alike the time I have fallen, in detail. When I fell into porn, she told many people. When I drank, she told many people. She even told people I did business with!
Pray, as I do, that she will change soon. I have and am still working on myself but it’s hard when I’m considered a loser in her eyes.
(TANZANIA) My wife and I have been married three years. We don’t have kids yet. It’s a Christian marriage, but my wife is so selfish in her decisions, she does whatever she thinks. I got the report from others I don’t understand what to do. Help me.
(US) Hi, everyone I need some good advice. I have been struggling with my new husband for the past year and had our biggest fight yet. We just got married (having my parents disown me) from the start of our relationship. I have been losing respect for him a lot lately. I know men have stress in their lives but I feel he doesn’t take my feelings into consideration and because he is 8 years older than me he makes me feel like a child when he speaks to me. I still go to school full time graduating in 2 months, have full time work, cook him dinner, and have the house clean. I don’t know what I am doing wrong!
We just moved to a new area and haven’t found a good church yet and we have lost many friends lately due to some issues. He says sometimes I am on top of him all the time and I can’t tell if that’s me praising him too much or that I am around him too much? I mean I go into a room for like 3 hours after we say hi to each other when he comes home and I feel we barely spend time together and he disagrees and says he only ever spends time with me. I don’t care if he goes out with friends but he doesn’t. I want to respect him but lately with his rude comments I don’t feel like he deserves it. It makes me feel bad all the time for being me and doing everything I can to please him. I don’t know what to do anymore but pray
(AUSTRALIA) Hi, Thank you so much for this article about respect. I’ve heard lots of times that us wives should respect our husbands, and husbands love their wife (as Christ loves the church). My husband isn’t a Christian, and there’s lots of things that over 11 years have got worse & worse & come to a point where …I’ve had enough!!! I got to the point where I was willing to kick him out, didn’t WANT to, but what else to do? Other articles on this website have really helped me, along with some counseling. And things are not at breaking point like they were, but I still couldn’t figure out HOW to respect this man who doesn’t act like the man I chose to marry!!
Thank you for providing tangible suggestions on how to respect my husband. I think with some practice this will really help. Thank you.
(ZIMBABWE) This has really been so helpful but for me I suppose it’s a little too late. After a year of marriage I really felt I couldn’t take it anymore and so I walked out. I believe I wasn’t born to suffer and somehow I felt and still feel that this man, his family included, were on a mission to make me suffer. I was never physically abused but the emotional abuse I went through was worse. At one point I was told to sell my body to raise money to take care of our child. I do not believe that a sane and loving man could ever say that to his wife, not even when he is drunk.
This very man also once said to me when I was about 4 months pregnant that I should kill the baby if I wanted coz he didn’t care. So I resolved that it was useless to respect such a man. To me, staying in the relationship would cause me to sin more and so the solution was to move out. I’m still jobless, with a child that he is not supporting but I have so much peace of mind and no regrets for leaving him. I don’t feel that God is mad at me for leaving. I know he loves me ever so much because God is LOVE.
(BOTSWANA) I really appreciate the issue of respect but it is very difficult to respect someone who does not even attempt to show you respect. I am praying to God everyday to give me the grace to respect my husband; I pray for the fruit of the spirit, but I am struggling. I have for years been and am dealing with issues of infidelity and interference from my husband’s family. He is so controlled by the mother and sisters that we have ceased to have a life together. I don’t know where to place him in terms of being employed or unemployed.
He leaves in the morning of everyday to go to his mother’s and he calls it “going to the office” but come month end there is nothing to show for it. I do see invoices but where the money goes, I don’t know. The person I am supposed to respect is the mother and the sister’s errand boy. They can send him anywhere they want to do anything and he will do it. The sister never goes to do shopping; she just makes a list and sends him to the shops. There are times I have had to leave the house at 2.00 A.M. to take our asthmatic daughter to the clinic alone, but he has the time to take the sister to the doctors or a nephew or a niece. Where do I begin making an effort to respect him? He also does not appreciate the importance of covering your wife; he shares everything with the mother and sister, even to a point of fabricating. Please advise.
(USA) Thank you for this article. My husband works out of town but we phone each other daily. Last week while we were talking, he said “I can’t talk long because I woke up at 4am to go visit a buddy for an hr who’s working graveyard and that shift is pretty lonely.” My first thought was, wow… I wish I had a friend like that (meaning him visiting with me a whole hr). This simple saying that I taught my kids came to my mind. To have a friend, you gotta be a friend. Wow, that was an eye opener!
A couple of days latter I had decided me and the kids were going to tackle the basement to surprise their dad. While cleaning out boxes I came across a book “Love & Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. I asked where did this book come from? My son said, “its a good book mom; a girlfriend gave it to me a couple years ago.” I began to read this book and I did not like it. It was like looking in a mirror seeing how disrespectful I really was. It was ugly! I would put the book down in anger, pray and ask God to soften my heart. He did!
For the past week I have been building my husband up, encouraging him, respecting him unconditionally. My husband has been more open and loving now than he has ever been. Ephesians 5:33 was there all the time and this book was in my home for the past 2 years. I will be that friend, the wife God wants me to be. I will honor and respect my husband for he is a wonderful blessing from God. I love him and want to be obedient to God. God Bless.
(USA) I don’t know how to begin but I’ll try. I’ve lost respect for my husband because whenever we’d argue, he’d curse at me & tell me to get out of the house. At that time I didn’t know I was pregnant with our first child. I cried a lot & had the feeling of being alone. I had a miscarriage & he told the doctors that I was doing heavy stuff which is not true. Now, we argue on very simple things & he insults me. So, I curse him.
I was talking on the phone with my sister, he butted in & said that they should send me money so that I can leave. I’m raging with anger & told him to respect me & my family coz I respect him if he’s on the phone. So, I decided to call his mom but was wrong because his mom believed him more than me & blamed me. I’m decided to leave but I have second thoughts because I could not leave my son. I don’t know what to do now.
(CANADA) Aimee, your husband’s behavior is alarming and you should have reason to be very concerned. This is not about simply trying to respect your husband. The way things are going, they are not going to get better and your situation needs to be addressed. However, cursing him doesn’t help – it will only lower your own self-esteem to realize that you have stooped to his level. If you hate what he is doing to you, then you can’t feel good about behaving just like him. Feeling angry is only normal for what you are going through. (Be angry and do not sin – Ephesians 4:26) Finding a way to express your anger in way that is consistent with your values could be a good goal.
Take the time to get support and make informed decisions. Get counseling for yourself. What is the best scenario for you and your son? Do you want your son to have the role model of someone who treats his loved ones with contempt? What best protects your safety? How are you going to be better off leaving or staying? Don’t worry about what his mother thinks – she doesn’t know what it’s like for you.
If you focus on your rage against your husband or his mother, you lose focus on what you want to do or who you want to be. Those things don’t depend on your husband’s actions – you are responsible for your future. And no matter how daunting that can be, you have the resources to do it. (2 Timothy 1:7)
(UNITED STATES) Thank you so much for your website. I have been making some very poor choices lately on how to deal with problems in my marriage. I have been reading the book Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. I needed some specific examples about how I can let my husband know that I respect him. I have a good marriage. I am hoping to make it even better. I am a teacher and so I am very aware of the respect issue, I just never thought about needing to address it at home.
Thank you again, Tammy
(NIGERIA) How does one respect an unfaithful husband? When in a marriage of less than 2 years, your hubby runs back to his ex and tells you to go to hell. Whereas, you hold the purse strings and all he can offer to compensate you is cheating on you unrepentantly.
How does on do without flaring up or even hauling abusive words?
(UNITED STATES) I treat my husband like a king everyday, and I get nothing in return. I cook for him everyday, and literally bring it right to him in his chair. I clean the house, I do our laundry, I make sure he always has what he needs ready for work, I always talk to him with a nice tone and I always say please and thank you.
He NEVER thanks me, which I don’t demand that he say thank you by any means, but he doesnt do ONE thing that even makes me feel needed. He ignores me all the time, he refuses to wash even the silverware. When I ask for help with someone he won’t get up for 10 minutes at least before he is ready to help me. By that time it’s useless. He doesn’t even help me do little things like hanging our curtains when I needed four hands, not just my two. Almost everything I do annoys him and he tries to act like I’m the terrible person behind this situation.
He works in the military and when he comes home I let him relax, and even talking to him drives him crazy. I feel really lost because everything I do or say is wrong and annoys the heck out of him. I just feel like he is really undeserving even though I don’t show it. I always ask him for help and try to talk to him about how I feel or that I need help sometimes but nothing changes. I just wish he would meet me half way or even part way sometimes. I am to the point of tears because I’m not sure where to go from here. I feel like I’m the only one in our home sometimes. I just love him so much and miss him when he’s at work, but when he comes home he doesn’t even want to talk to me because I annoy him, almost in an instant. I need some advice. I treat him like he walks on air everyday and no change.
(USA) I think you need to tell him what you need and ask him to provide it to you. My husband’s mother was the perfect wife and the husband did not respect her at all. She left him when he was about to retire because she couldn’t imagine spending time with him. She is finally asking to be thanked and respected by her children – and I am so happy about it.