My husband, Ron, admits that he used to be jerk, but I discovered a secret formula that turned him into a loving husband. I started treating him like a VIP! Ron always wanted me to respect him, but I thought he had to earn it and I had to feel it, before I could do it. Wrong.
We women are very good at pointing out our husbands’ faults and failures and punishing them for not meeting our needs, but that only leads to discontent and distance in our marriages. We all know that yelling, nagging, and belittling are disrespectful and ineffective. So I’m suggesting a radical concept: Treat him like a king, and eventually, he will begin to treat you like a queen.
Act Respectfully
Instead of waiting for him earn your respect, behave respectfully and you could watch him grow into the man God designed him to be.
Twenty five years ago, our marriage was on the brink of divorce. I was controlling, critical and disrespectful so Ron was defensive and angry. We were both Christians but neither of us was living a spirit-filled life. I was letting my emotions determine my actions and thought it was Ron’s job to make me happy. But through a series of miracles (read my book for the whole story) we made a decision to rebuild our marriage.
The Plan
We went to a Christian counselor who read Ephesians 5:33. “Nevertheless let each one of you so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” He said, “Nancy, the only way you will win Ron back and stay married is if you begin to respect your husband.” I knew he was right so I swallowed hard and came up with a plan.
Here are three of the ways I began to respect Ron: They are easy to remember because they spell out the goal—to treat him like a V.I.P.
Respect him Verbally, Intellectually, and Physically.
Verbally: Cut out (ok… cut back) complaining and add in compliments.
If you want to have a peaceful, happy marriage, learn the art of the compliment. Compliments are like magnets and the more you compliment your husband the more he will be attracted to you. Begin to notice when he does it right and verbally encourage him by complimenting him at least once a day.
If you are having a hard time thinking of anything to admire, consider these categories: physical traits, mental skills, financial strengths, spiritual growth, or healthy relationships with others (children, parents, or friends).
Why Should I?
You may be asking “Hey, why should I compliment him when he NEVER compliments me?” It’s because, if you want your marriage to grow and bloom, you’ll have to water it with kindness and encouragement. Then, as he sees your sincere efforts, he will begin to change too. Don’t give up.
If you do need to bring up a difficult issue, place it between two compliments, also known as a “Compliment Sandwich.” Here’s an example, “Honey, I know how hard you work for our money and that Sally’s braces will be expensive, but I need your decision before her appointment tomorrow. I hope we can do this for her, but if you want to wait, I trust your judgment. What should I tell the orthodontist?”
Intellectually:
Men like to solve problems and fix things. So appeal to his intelligence by asking him to help you solve a problem. Instead of saying “This garage is a mess, clean up your camping stuff!” Try, “I’d like your help with something. Could you figure out a storage system for all the camping supplies?”
Don’t imply that he isn’t smart. Instead of saying “I think you are wrong about…” Say, “I’m confused about… please explain it again” (Remember to keep your tone of voice sarcasm-free.)
Request his help on Spiritual matters too.
Ask him to explain a passage of Scripture or ask him to pray for you when you are going through a difficult time. If your husband is not the spiritual leader in your home, continue to pray for him and ask him if there is anything you are doing that is hindering his relationship with God.
Men don’t give a lot of weight to feelings—show them facts and they’ll be more likely to listen. For example: if he wants to buy a car that you think is too expensive, don’t launch into a hissy-fit, write out your monthly expenses and ask him what other things should be cut out in order to buy his car. Let the facts speak for you.
When you cannot reach an agreement, instead of trying to wear him down by nagging or crying say, “Is that your final decision or can I still try to convince you?” If it’s his final decision, then honor it. It’s freeing—let him carry the responsibility of your family.
Physically:
Physically ask what he would like you to do and then, do it. Find out what his top three needs are. Ron likes the laundry done, sex a least twice a week (guaranteed!) and he likes me to keep my “girly-make-up stuff” off of the bathroom counter. If these top needs are met, he’s content and easy to get along with. I know it sounds simple, but each of us have different things that make us feel loved and appreciated. You won’t know what he wants unless you ask him.
Be aware of your body language. You can communicate disrespect by rolling your eyes, crossing your arms, or slamming doors. Reflect your new decision to respect your husband in your heart, mind, and body.
Change your attitude and actions
Respect is both a verb and a noun. It’s an action and an attitude. So begin today to respect your husband in thought, word, and deed. He will be more willing and able to give you the love and affection you need if he is respected and admired. When I began to respect my husband, he was skeptical at first. However as he saw that I was committed to change, he began to treat me differently—lovingly. We now teach at couples’ events, helping others discover the blessings of true love in action.
Ask the Lord to strengthen you as you obey His word.
Remember:
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)
This article is adapted from the great book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome: How to Grow Affair Proof Hedges Around Your Marriage
Author Nancy C Anderson and her husband Ron, speak nationally to couples’ groups of all denominations. They share their message of hope and restoration with tenderness and humor. If you live in the United States and would like for them to speak with your group please contact them at www.RonAndNancyAnderson.com. You may also want to visit their blog at www.joyfulmarriage.blogspot.com.
Filed under: For Married Women
(USA) This will be a struggle for me… but I will try it. My marriage deserves this. I have just read a book called Honor’s Reward by John Bevere that also covers this subject. I understand previous posts about the fact that this is 2009… and I feel for you. But I also know that if you "find" a man that respects you… and you don’t know how to honor and respect him -you will LOSE him to a woman that can.
Affairs are bred on the other person feeding the individual exactly what they feel they are missing at home. Your husband brings home the wrong type of bread and you go OFF sorta like… "I said wheat bread; you don’t listen… you never do what I ask you to do" and on and on it goes.
But the "other woman" says thank you so much for getting this for me baby…it wasn’t what I needed but I will manage. I really appreciate you stopping and picking this up. She still let him know that what he got was wrong, but she honored his act even if the outcome was not favorable. So, why not throw everything you can into the relationship and go down swinging? If you must. But it’s worth a try ladies. There is NOTHING on the other side of the fence -I looked.
(USA) WOW! That says it all!
(SOUTH AFRICA) I’ve been married for 22 years. I feel more and more emotionally battered every day. We are as the rest of the world – battling financially after we had 8 good years. It is taking its strain on our relationship as I am supposed to be in control of the finances. However, I do not feel my husband deserves my respect at this point in time but I shall start following the RESPECT recipe. I am in doubt though, but here goes.
(NIGERIA) All these suggestion are nice and good, but in my own case, I’m confused and I know I need serious prayer cos I don’t understand him. He is too sensitive to my mistakes. Now, I don’t know if I still love him or just want to stay because of my son. He doesn’t seem to feel me at all.
(INDIA) I really don’t know but I will soon getting into this marriage stuff… I hope I can always maintain this respect onto my would be husband’s eyes and heart… That’s it! Yea, but I loved the article. Thanks anyways.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I LOVE MY HUSBAND VERY MUCH, BUT I AM NOT TYPE OF PERSON THAT VERBALLY EXPRESSES EMOTIONS. IT IS JUST VERY, VERY HARD FOR THE WORDS TO COME OUT. BUT I DON’T THINK I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THAT WAY BECAUSE HE SAYS I HAVE CHANGED. I DON’T RESPECT HIM, I DON’T HAVE FAITH IN HIM “HE DOESN’T FEEL HE IS IN CONTROL (SINCE WE GOT MARRIED)”. TO ME THIS CLEARLY SAYS HE WANTS TO BE THE BOSS OF ME.
HE ALSO SAYS I DON’T KNOW HOW TO LOVE HIM ANYMORE. THIS MAY BE BECAUSE I RESENT HIM FOR BETRAYING ME, FOR LYING WHEN ITS UNNECESSARY… I JUST FIND IT DIFFICULT TO GIVE MY ALL TO HIM AGAIN AFTER ALL THIS.
(USA) I am amazed when we are told to respect our husbands when we entered our marriages respecting our husbands and they screwed it up. Then the advice we are given is to respect our husbands. Men – you need to learn how to respect women!
(WEST INDIES) I really would like to try this respect recipe. I believe for a long time I have known what to do which is similar to what was suggested, but I never followed through, always stopping half-way to say that it is not reciprocated. Plus I often feel I don’t love him so it was very hard. An almost adulterous act made me think twice. And now the love I thought I needed to have for him before I could respect him is not necessary anymore. Now I want to love him and respect him. It could be guilt (I have decided that I will not tell him since I cheated on him before we got married and he has not forgiven me or forgotten after 6 years). But I really want to try and let this work, for everyone, my kids especially.
(ZIMBABWE) I have been married for 9 years now and shockingly, I have never seen my husband naked. He changes when I am not there or comes from the bathroom already in his boxers. During the night the light is just turned off and because of tradition, I have never really been able to ask him why. I love him, we have a good relationship. Of course we do have our ups and downs but generally we are a good couple. It is only this that bothers and troubles me. I have only managed to ask him twice about it and he was so evasive that I have just stopped asking. I want to know my husband. Help me.
(USA) What do you do when your husband has abused, mistreated, neglected, and taken you for granted so long that you no longer respect him? How can you get back the belief in him and respect you once had when he shows you no respect or love himself? How can you treat someone like a king when he makes you feel like your only purpose is to pay the bills and buy him things? He makes me feel like a prostitute.
(UNITED STATES) I am having a hard time respecting someone who REFUSES to get a job causing us to lose our home- even when he had an interview booked with the company picking up the plane ticket for the interview. He canceled it and told me he never wanted a job again.
Someone, please tell me how that is being a loving Christian husband, and how in the world do I respect someone who WANTS us on the streets? He informed me he will use all the savings and retirement to go chase his dream in network marketing, and that 1 Tim 5:8 does not apply to him. He also has to make ALL decisions and he spends all the money without consulting me on any of it. Seriously….what do I do?
(USA) I feel you. My payers be with u! I would suggest to let him make those decisions if he feels like he knows what’s right. You can kindly suggest things, but you cannot MAKE him do anything, not work, ect…
That is part of the responbilility that he takes when he gets married, to be responsible for all of the final decisions. Let him be the man and you just pray about him. God will not let you go on the streeet, I’m sure your husband will figure it out! Have faith in him! Give him space Let him be the wise one… It should all work out!
I think he dosnt want a job because you are probably working and LEADING the whole family.
(CAN) Why is it that women always have to bend backwards to please men? Why can’t it be a mutual thing, where women respect men and men respect women? I have only been married three years but I already feel like giving up. Because he did not respect me, I stepped out on our marriage. I am not saying that what I did was right but at the same time I am his wife and he should have been treating me like his partner.
It has been 4 months since the incident, and every time I mention something to him that he has done that has made me feel bad… he gets all angry as if telling me that I have no right telling him what he did wrong. Now he holds this over my head as though I owe him everything because of what I did. He tells me that I need to do EVERYTHING he tells me to do, no questions asked.
How am I going to respect someone who obviously does not respect my decisions or feelings? He treats me like a child and it drives me crazy. He acts like he knows it all, like he is so perfect. He says he wants his house clean but contributes to the mess? Oh right. I am supposed to pick up after him. I am tired of this marriage and tired of him. All I want is for us to compromise.
He never asks for my help, he never asks for my opinion, he hardly has conversations with me anymore. He is only holding on because of our son, and to be honest, so am I. I am very frustrated and the last thing I want to do is pamper him and give in to everything he wants just so I can feel love and appreciated. He needs to meet me half way… so the question is why can’t we meet in the middle?
(USA) Like you asked him about his opinion when you as you put it, “stepped out?”
Sher, do you realize that what you did to your husband is the emotional equivalent of being raped? Dr Willard Harley, who works with couples who’ve experienced infidelity has asked those who’ve experienced both rape and being betrayed by their spouse which is worse. Very few say the rape was worse than being betrayed by their spouse.
So are you telling me that you expect your husband to just be instantly healed from the damage you’ve done to him? That he should respect you in spite of emotionally raping him?
What you did was emotionally abusive, and to demand respect as you are doing here in no way demonstrates any love, nor respect for your husband.
What’s the middle when you’ve had an affair? I’m sorry, this is not a meet in the middle situation. It’s a situation where you need to come to grips with the gravity of the damage YOU’VE done to your relationship and you need to prove to your husband, not only do you respect him, but that you understand what you did was not only disrespectful, but one of the worst, most abusive things you could have done to another human, exceeding the emotional scarring associated with rape.
Would you suggest anyone meet in the middle with a rapist? I wouldn’t. So perhaps you can re-look at your perspective and instead of meeting in the middle, why not meet him with a contrite heart, full of remorse, and not demands that he do something you want him to do?
(UNITED STATES) If any provides not for his own, and especially for those of his own house, he has denied the faith and is worse than an infidel. 1 Tim. 5:8. Stroke his ego by complimenting him on how well and quickly he packs his suitcase and escort him to the door. This probably won’t get printed, but I don’t get a revelation from anywhere in scripture that we are to be doormats for anyone. Sorry!
(USA) Please, women, take responsibility for you and your family’s well-being. When your husband is selfishly leading your family into financial ruin, or you see things that aren’t right, please don’t give up, especially if your children are affected. Even if you believe that the man should be the head of the family, it is childish and selfish to give up responsibility and “feel free” from the problem b/c it’s “his job” to take care of things. You’re an adult on equal footing with him, and you need to help make sure your needs are met, and those of any children you have. The world doesn’t need more martyrs. Respect your husband, sure, but respect yourself and the rest of your family as well.
Also, while I definitely agree that you often have to give something to get something, and setting the tone/taking the lead can work, it won’t always. Try it, but after a while if it just leads to him walking all over you, realize that he just might not deserve your respect. Not everyone does. (I mean, they deserve a certain level of respect just for being human- not to be abused, etc.- but you know what I mean.)
As other posters have said, sometimes it just makes you more submissive and lets your husband take further advantage of your passivity and willingness to sacrifice. If you’re doing all the work to save your marriage, for years at a time, you must ask yourself is it really worth it? Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t.
If only one of you is willing to work on it, what kind of a marriage is that? It’s supposed to be a partnership that involves compromise but ultimately improves each other’s lives greatly. If it’s continually not living up to that, maybe it’s a marriage only in your mind. I believe in marriage, but if one partner continually shows by their actions that they do not- what good is it?
(USA) Hi Me, I’m not sure if you’re aware, but we have a few articles posted in the “Assorted Marriage Problems” section that deal with unemployment and a spouse losing a job that you might find helpful. They have additional links to other articles you can read as well. They might help you to better understand your husband’s mindset.
Trust me, it’s not always the logical way that works in dealing with someone who is insecure and is trying to find their footing after losing a job! We’ve seen it time and again. Sometimes they hide and/or do foolish things that make no sense. It helps to know this better when trying to deal with it.
Beyond that however, it seems that your husband has some additional issues that need to be dealt with concerning money matters (however, this may or may not be the time to tackle those issues until the job issue is better resolved).
Even so, I would recommend you go into the “Marriage and Finances” section of our web site and read whatever might help you. You might go into the “Links” part of that section and go to the Crown.org link and read through their web site to see what they might have that could help you. They changed their web site a bit so it isn’t as user-friendly as it once was, but if you’re persistent, you can find stuff.
They have an “Articles” section on the top of the Home Page that you could find useful in reading what you might do about your husband’s control issues concerning money. There are a lot of layers of reasons why your husband is doing what he is doing and it would be good to look into them before you confront your husband further on these matters (which NEEDS to eventually be done).
You might also go into the “Communication and Conflict” section to read articles concerning how you can get through to men in a way they best receive it without slamming their ears shut. It’s the result you want instead of doing things like you THINK they should be done, right? I found that I had to change my approach after learning what I did and when I did… it dramatically changed the result for the positive.
I hope this helps. My heart and prayers go out to and for you.
(U.S.A.) This is a great web site for couples who are not in abusive relationships. You do NOT pray and stay with someone who is abusive. God would never ever want you to do that. That is the craziest thing that could ever be imagined. You get out. You get away and counseling rarely helps someone with these kind of problems. And even if it did are you going to stay around to be choked while you are having counseling?
From a spiritual perspective, by all means send the guy best wishes way AFTER you have looked after yourself and found a safe haven, and understood how you did this to yourself. You are in charge of your life. You have the answers. you and a loving God who wants the very best for you. He wants the best for your husband but you are not his Savior and staying there helping him is simply codependency, or hurting yourself.
Better to be in a battered women’s shelter than living with someone like this. Most of all, search and search and search to learn about YOU, and understand WHY HAVE YOU ATTRACTED A MAN LIKE THIS. I know. I have been there and the journey through this has been amazing. I belive that I am now a very loving person who forgives my stepfather, my husbands ( I was married more than once) but now have been married 23 years to a man who treats me wonderful.
I do not blame the man. I don’t blame anyone. I see that we are here for experience on earth to learn to love. But love begins with respect and love for yourself. Don’t sit and complain while you are allowing this to go on. You are a child of God, a divine being. No loving God wants this for his daughter, and you should not want it either. Leave with the knowledge and understanding that you will work on yourself to never attract this into your life again. You will have a lot of work to do to release your feelings and to learn to trust and to love again. The sooner the better.
(USA) My husband and I divorced 4 years ago after ten years and four children. Our divorce was UGLY. If you can imagine it being done, we did it. We had a raging custody battle and he ended up dipping into drugs during our seperation and ultimate divorce. Over the past two years he has pled with me to get back together. For the past 14 months he has not seen our children due to the drugs and my desire to protect them. We have alot of anger and issues between the two of us.
Four weeks ago, God reminded me of a time in our marriage when I searched my soul for an answer to this question: “Did you marry the wrong person in mistake or is this the person God has for you?” My answer at that time was a resounding YES, this is supposed to be my husband. God also reminded me of this scripture: I am the same yesterday, today and forever.
In the last four weeks, my “ex” husband has moved from the state we lived in as a couple to where I now live. He left his job and his parents and friends to come here. At first, I was so in awe of the working of God. Now I am numb. The reasons we divorced are still present; our character flaws. On top of that we have done so much to each other, so much pain.
But my major problem now is that I do not respect him…mentally or spiritually. I have a strong personality and he is a more quiet person so I dominate even unintentionally. He has recently started making demands and trying to take “headship” of my house. We are not remarried yet and I feel that he has no right to come in my home and try to demand anything. He is here b/c I want him to but not because I need him to be.
Now that I’ve vented, you can see I have no respect for him and he knows it too. I have got to find a way to respect him inspite of all we have been through, in spite of the pain, and in spite of my opinion of his character as a man. I’m glad I found this site that at least gives me people I can relate to.
I will struggle to gain this ground, but my back is breaking and I’m not sure where to turn. He is no longer using drugs and for that I am thankful. However it is now time to deal with LIFE and all the issues that are present. Please be in prayer over my family as my babies need us, together, happy, strong, committed, and loving. And Father, I pray your blessings over each and every one of these searching souls that they will find your peace and Lord please give us all wisdom as we line our wills up with your word. In Jesus Precious Holy Name, Amen.
(U.S.) I agree most of what above is a Crock and no doubt it written by a man… I took my vows forever. But, hell couldn’t be worse… My husband does not hit me but tortue comes in many ways. I bore two children into this world and married the 3rd, being the person I share a place with … not a Home. Have been together for 48 yrs. and had no physical contact in over 20 yrs. … not hand hold, nothing! Have had seperate rooms since 1989. Live now literally with a wall built in middle of house; he lives one side I live other.
He handles nothing. I have been bill struggler for all our yrs, he spends as feel want to. And the highest yr. pay through 45 yrs. was one year of 36,000. But, he had boats, trucks atv, go when he wants, and he’s left all the money problems for me… Has acted toward children as if they were never born. And me, as all esle. This just reminds me of how rotten he is.. And even God can’t respect him, and surely wouldn’t expect me to respect him either? I’m wondering why I stayed. No education, so had choice of struggle through or struggle alone with two kids. I know plenty of women have done that and made it. But, I still love him, WHY?
(USA) Your post is actually encouraging me to try harder and do it God’s way-submit to and respect my husband. God’s word, when applied to our everyday living, will without a doubt accomplish everything God said it would. I will pray for you and your last statement ‘I still love him’ is to me a glimmer of hope for you.
(USA) Betty, I’m sorry you find yourself in the circumstance you do. However, I have to take issue with your criticism that the article was written by a man, when it’s clearly cited that it was written by Nancy C Anderson. In the quote below is the description of it’s source and adaptation, not to mention the blog.
So might I suggest that you contact the author if you have any criticism or ask her how she was able to see her husband in a different fashion.
I see you looking at your husbands faults. I don’t doubt they are true. But I don’t see you focused on your own faults. You can’t fix his. But you can address yours, and sometimes, that’s the first step in a better relationship. Even after 48 years, I believe it can get better.
But not if you harbor bitterness and look only at the faults of another. -Tony
“The above article is adapted from the great book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome: How to grow Affair Proof Hedges Around Your Marriage, by Nancy C Anderson, published by Kregel Publications. This book was written by a woman who strayed to the other side of the marital fence — and returned to find forgiveness and restoration. Based on the principle that the grass is always greener where it’s watered, this book focuses on how to grow a beautiful marriage in your own backyard by establishing six protective “hedges” around it. Because Nancy Anderson nearly ruined her marriage due to infidelity, she truly knows the misery that an affair can cause. This really is a very good book for every Christian couple to read! We highly recommend it.
Author Nancy C Anderson and her husband Ron, speak nationally to couples’ groups of all denominations. They share their message of hope and restoration with tenderness and humor. If you live in the United States and would like for them to speak with your group please contact them at http://www.RonAndNancyAnderson.com. You may also want to visit their blog at http://www.joyfulmarriage.blogspot.com.”
(UNITED STATES) I agree with Lisa. I was with someone who I respected and cared for BEYOND your imagination and he treated me SO badly. I even became physically ill. He emotionally and mentally abused me. Then after three years he came back realizing that he was wrong but guess what? He hurt me again. I had VERY low-self esteem because of him. He has hurt me so much.
It took me a while to get better. I still am working on myself. You can love your husband and give him some time but don’t do it to so much that you forgo your own needs and stop caring for yourself. I still care for him but I don’t love him like I used to. It’s funny because he MADE SURE to treat me in such a way that emotionally he would not allow me to love him. I really wanted to give. I could have given him my very life but I still am so disappointed to realize that he even punished me for even thinking this way.
I do understand what this article is pointing out. If you guys have minor fights and arguments then please do try to understand your husband but also take care of yourself. Make sure to stay emotionally balanced. God Bless! :)
(USA) Sara, Some people do this, so that they will appear “bigger” than you. It is the way of a person who intends to “dominate”. These days I find it an insult that someone thinks that they should “dominate” another, but the domination games do work in certain environments.
I know how it feels, that every self esteem is bled – and you were not even allowed to love your own husband due to the treatment.
Were you able to recover? Or did he came back and start his stuff up again and you broke for a final time?