Sexual Refusal: He Stopped Asking But He Didn’t Stop Wanting

Sexual refusal Arguing out of alignment Dollarphotoclub_79139520The title of this article is a long one, but it’s an important issue within marriage… VERY important! It deals with sexual refusal within the marriage. Just because a husband stops asking his wife to make love, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t still want to. (For those of you who are not married, I’m sorry. But this article and the one that follows are aimed for those who are married.) 

“The story goes something like this: One spouse has a higher drive (HD), and the other spouse has a lesser drive (LD). Spouse HD asks, pursues, begs, pleads, prays, asks, wonders… and finally stops. Spouse LD, meanwhile, feels frustrated, cajoled, annoyed, resentful… and finally relieved.”

Sexual Refusal Within Marriage

But there’s more to this whole scenario than this, as the title implies.

To take you to the rest of what the author wrote on this issue, I’m going to send you to another web site. I was going to ask permission to post the article that follows. The author, J. Parker is great that way. But there are many comments after the article, which are compelling to read. And we don’t want you to miss out on those either.

So, we’re providing a link to the Hot, Holy, and Humorous web site. This way you can read what they have written on this topic. It doesn’t just pertain to husbands who are refused. It also addresses wives, as well. If you need to flip a few pronouns around here and there, please do so. But they do a pretty good job of addressing both. Intimacy needs are important to address, whether they come from the husband or the wife.

BUT PLEASE, if you post anything on their comment line, please post it here, as well. We’d love for this topic to be discussed on both of our web sites so we can all benefit. Thanks!

Please Read:

Just Because He Stopped Asking, Doesn’t Mean He Stopped Wanting

The question was asked in the above article, “Can we work on our sex life?”

That’s a question that a lot of spouses have asked and will ask. The author of the next article, Chris, was asked that question quite a bit. But she says that she was the “refuser” in her marriage.

Here’s part of her testimony concerning sexual refusal from another angle:

“After 20 years of being a sexual gatekeeper and refuser, I am now learning to dance with desire. I’m learning to enjoy the full intimacy that comes with passionate and joyful sex with the husband God provided for me.”

In another article posted on her web site, The Forgiven Wife, she writes:

“My husband had his access to emotional and physical intimacy controlled by me for two decades. He has seen me change. I’ve atoned for my sin, in both thought and deed. My husband has forgiven me, and so has my God. Most of the time, I can even say I’ve forgiven myself. I thank God that my husband did not think I was beyond redemption. I mean that in the fullness of the definition, not just theologically.”

The following is a link to part of her testimony. You can read more on her web site, as well. (Again, we’re hoping that if you post a comment on her web site, you’ll post it here too. This way the topic can be openly discussed by husbands and wives who deal with the “refusal” issue.)

Please read:

Crawling Out of the Pit

Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.

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Filed under: Sexual Issues

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103 responses to “Sexual Refusal: He Stopped Asking But He Didn’t Stop Wanting

  1. I read the comments on the other website. As the person on the LD side, it was a HUGE relief when I stopped getting hounded all the time. I was at a point where I was scared to show any skin, walk around naked after my shower, go to bed or wake up after my husband because those were prime times for pressuring. I love hugs and cuddles but I do not enjoy having my sensitive areas grabbed.

    I’ve had low desire and discomfort during intimacy ever since I was pregnant with our 9 year old son. I’ve had hormone levels checked, physiology checked, spoken to a counselor. It’s all apparently in my head; nobody can find anything wrong with me and I’m just supposed to roll over and let my husband have his way because sex is such an important part of a marriage.

    I’m the one who has to compromise and he can’t possibly adjust his behavior and find other ways to be intimate with me besides ways that cause me pain and make me feel uncomfortable. He can find other ways to feel vulnerable than climaxing with me. So for now I’m going to enjoy my break from guilt trips, constant pressuring, and constant anxiety that I’ll have to once again ward off and reject my husband by telling him the things he is doing are things I do not like. I deserve to feel safe in my home.

    1. Way to make your husband feel like some sick sexual predator. I get that your desires are mismatched because my wife and I struggle with the same thing. But your comments come off as just selfish and kind of cruel. It seems that you couldn’t care less that this situation is causing him pain too. The constant rejection from the one you’re supposed to be so close to hurts more than you can imagine. Even though it likely wasn’t intentional, you’ve hurt your husband horribly.

      The Google search that led me to this page was “how do I kill my libido”. I’m so sick of the constant rejection. I show my love to my wife in so many different ways, not just physical. (I also participate in all the house chores and child raising so I’m equally burdened. I get time to play video games or whatever else maybe once every 2-3 months). I’ve tried having open conversations to tell her how it’s effecting me and it just causes a huge argument and she insists I shouldn’t stop asking her, but the next time I try I’m met with a cringe and a no (that stings more than you are capable of understanding) or a sigh and a reluctant yes, which then makes me feel like I’m nothing more than a chore and kills my desire to be intimate.

      The only time we ever have sex is when she initiates. Afterwards we are both happy with what happened, but it’s like she forgets that feeling by the time I ask a few days later.

      I get that you’re struggling with the situation too, but you really should reevaluate what you’ve said because it comes off as having no respect for your husband and that you don’t care about his needs or feelings. That’s not to say your needs and feeling don’t matter, but with what you’ve said it sounds like that’s the only thing that matters to you.

      1. After a while I just stopped asking. Months went by, and she seemed upset; I didn’t understand why. It’s like she just wanted me to ask so she could reject. She missed rejecting me.

        Then it was a year…. then it was two… then we were divorced.

        22 years later and I’m still so resentful at being the one who has to initiate that I don’t date or approach women.

        Why are men treated like this? I’m with the other poster. I just want to eliminate my sex drive so I can ignore women entirely for the rest of my life.

        1. Sadly as the wife – the one who waited to have sex and was so excited to do all the wonderful things in marriage- I have a husband who constantly refuses. I’m happy to just do things for him physically, give him back rubs, or more. He treats me like a mother with a small peck or a kiss and if I pull him in for more he refuses. I am pretty and fit so I am not ugly by the worlds standards and have many men look at me and give me attention at the gym. I am a faithful wife and young, so it’s very hard. His work is constantly on his mind and his excuse for never wanting sex. He does not do porn or cheat on me or have performance issues.

          Tonight we fought because I said his refusal is sinful. He argued that the Bible verse that talks about meeting your wife’s needs is objective. He feels sex every 3 weeks is plenty. If I could have sex daily I would or at least a couple times a week. As a woman it can make you question if you are beautiful, if you are trashy, or worse if you have something wrong with you.

          I wonder if I can stay married forever like this because I feel like I am giving away my best years of my life waiting for a man to say yes to a beautiful, naked woman in his bed that he won’t touch even if I ask. This argument came a bit because the church hosted a porn conference and he was disgusted by the men who all watch it and I said it’s probably because they have wives who refuse them and they don’t want to be unfaithful or divorce.

          1. I’m in the same boat. My wife does the exact same thing. Thank you for sharing your story because I now have hope knowing that there are still women out there who want and need intimacy with a man. I would feel blessed if my wife was offering me what you give your husband.

          2. So frustrating. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have a wife with a healthy drive. I can wish…

          3. To be quite honest I wish my wife was like you. I would feel so loved and supported I would be on top of the world. My wife always refuses sex with my until I get so frustrated that she believes she needs to put in some effort. She works a lot and feels stressed often so I get it. But it seems I am not worth the effort.

            If you were my wife you would be getting attention regularly. I get how hurtful it is to be refused. I have been approached by attractive women but I am married and want to be this way. I don’t know what the solution is but I wish you good luck. I understand your struggles and I understand what it does to your self esteem, self-worth, ego, and your beliefs about your marriage. Take care of yourself. Remember you are special and deserving of love so I hope you find what you deserve.

      2. He needs to listen to her, stop grabbing her, causing her pain and disregarding what she is telling him. Did you not read her comment? She doesn’t feel safe in her own house!

    2. You need to pray for wisdom and seek Christian marital advice. You truly don’t see the damage you are doing. Nancy DeMoss had an amazing series on this years ago that would help you. But first you need to accept at least part of the responsibility and seek Godly forgiveness and counsel.

      1. Oh she sees it, but she doesn’t care (to her, her husband’s approaches are nothing but predatorial and perverted).

        I am at a place if I have managed to reach the pinnacle of perfection that my wife believes that I need to achieve in order to be worthy of her intimacy… I am very much going to refuse her. What she doesn’t know (but will if that day ever comes that she asks) is that sex is forever removed from the equation by me. Freedom! Western women are nothing but selfish/misguided and not worth any amount of energy. So I am going to focus on being as Asexual as possible.

  2. My wife and I struggled with mismatch libidos for 20 years. We essentially had a sexless marriage for the first 10 years of it. Things are worse than a sexless marriage but far from what I would find acceptable. I’ve stopped asking for sex. I love my wife and I forgive her, but I don’t trust her. At this point I don’t think any amount or frequency of sex will regain the trust that has been lost over the course of our marriage. Is my marriage salvageable? Sure, but it would be a heck of a lot easier to start fresh with someone new.

    1. Sadly, you sound like me. It’s a bit worse for me as my wife was previously very promiscuous before we got married. The 20+ years of rejection had destroyed me for a long time to the extent I considered self deletion. I had lost my will to live. I love my wife and want to be married but some things can never be fixed and I have a shell of the marriage I once desired. Like you, I will never trust again someone who could hurt me so deeply. Every day I find myself a bit emotionally further from the woman I loved more than life itself. To be fair, if she has no desire to meet my physical needs, I have no obligation to meet her emotional needs. Viola, we become more distant daily. Eventually, I suppose we will be nothing more than resentful roommates. So sad.

  3. I am married almost 40 years with six grown children. I have to say that it was quite rare to not have sex when I asked. One of the things my wife told me is that when a husband or wife consistently refuses sex, that is cruelty. I must say that I am quite confused that either spouse would consider themselves justified in consistent refusal, in light of this scripture: 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 (NASB)

    Teaching on Marriage: 1 Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2 But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband. 3 The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

    If I have a duty to sexually satisfy my wife and she has the same duty, we are commanded to serve each other in sex. Both spouses have control of each others’ bodies when it comes to sex.

    The word deprive also means to defraud. Do not deprive or defraud your spouse of their needs when it comes to sex. How can God Almighty be any clearer? When my wife spoke to me of cruelty when a spouse is neglected sexually, we have talked about this issue and we both agree that it means that the refusing spouse is saying that I reject you. Not just sex. I do not find you attractive. I do not love you.

    Consistent refusal is sin. Consistent refusal is breaking your marriage vows. You are defrauding your spouse plain and simple. If you need counseling individually or as a couple, to work things out, get counseling with a Christian that wants to keep marriages together. I could never consistently reject my wife. I love her too much.

  4. I’ve been married to my wife for almost 10-years now. We recently started going to couples counseling. Counseling is helping us work through how we communicate, but it’s not helping our sex life. I don’t ask for sex every night. I’ve been told to stop asking because my wife feels pressure. She wants to have sex when it’s “natural”.

    What is natural? My wife is too tired to have sex other than a few days one week during the month when her hormones help her libido. Other than that sex is far and few between unless it’s a kidless vacation.

    I’m discouraged. I would never want her to have sex when she doesn’t want to, but I’m bothered by the fact that very little effort is made to have sex somewhat regularly and that doesn’t bother her. I’m not happy. I’ve stopped asking but not because I’ve stopped wanting. She probably feels somewhat relieved when I don’t ask as much but I don’t think she fully realizes the extent of the frustration I feel in our marriage because of our vastly different libidos. Am I wrong to feel the way I feel?

    1. HL, I am kinda going thru the same thing. Wife said I talked about sex too much, texts, but funny is that she initiated a some of it. She said a lot of hurtful things. We started living on other sides of the house. She said to back off and she will come to me when she is ready. So I have. Very little contact between us, minimal affection, occasional love ya’.

      None of this seems to affect her. As long as she has grandchildren close by & facebook she is happy. If I walked out she would probably be OK with it. We still have occasional sex; it’s like having sex with a hooker, no emotion.

      Some weeks are better, this one has been tough. Mainly my own hang-ups I guess. I wish she was truly concerned about our marriage; she does not talk about it. For a while I mentally distanced myself a little, expecting the worst. The further I get away it does not bother her much. Her parents had a loveless marriage. Then I will get back closer, some hugging, she will be OK, but then she will distance herself. I know this does not help you, but feels good to vent a little.

    2. Men are coming up with a new marriage contract as a way to deal with feminism. Part of that contract is that if a wife or girlfriend says no to sex more often than she says yes than the relationship is over. Notice I said ‘more than she says yes.” We get it ladies, there are reasons like health and periods that men need to be patient about.

      The bottom line women, is that your man’s happiness and satisfaction in life is DIRECTLY tied to his sex life. If you are unwilling to make him happy that shows that you don’t care about what is important to him. For him this means YOU DON’T CARE IF HE’S HAPPY.

      1. Men who satisfy their wives don’t have to complain about their sex lives. The men who have non-existent sex lives are the ones who mope and nag their wives to “give them sex”. They are the selfish men who never reciprocate and roll over and snore when they finish. Then they act clueless when their wives are never interested. Gee, I wonder why? They never bother to give their wives pleasure…

        1. That is, quite simply, untrue. I’ve always found it so strange that women tend to paint men as egotistical (fair enough, by and large, they are) yet they also want to portray them as selfish lovers (granted -some- are but most are not). Delayed gratification is a point of pride as is being a satisfying lover.

          It isn’t about “his satisfaction,” or “her pleasure.” It is a symbol of a bond he swore only to share with you. If his performance isn’t satisfactory, teach him. I assure you, he will be happy to take that ride with you. The thing is, many women are in the position where they have an enjoyable experience with their mate on most, if not all, occasions, and yet they deny nearly every opportunity. These are often the same women who are repulsed when their husbands have resorted to adult entertainment as an outlet for that energy or else find their marriage destroyed by an affair or his absolute absence.

          I am absolutely not condoning those things but, it is the natural progression from these sorts of relationships. Even the family dog will start eating at the neighbor’s house if you starve it long enough. You are wrong to demand such loyalty from a starved mate. Of all of that sounds like nonsense to you, maybe YOU are the problem.

        2. Kelly, you are partially right. I have been married for 35+ years; I have been and still am going thru some marriage issues, but it is better. I know how to pleasure my wife. She taught me how she liked it when we were 1st married. We agreed to never fake it. But in the past 3 or 4 years I, by accident, found a new way to pleasure her. I have never heard her scream so much during an orgasm. HRT has also helped her. Sometimes she has done it 2 or 3 times a night.

          Guys, learn how to please her, make minor changes, try something new until she likes it, then no sex afterwards. You may have to tell her NSA. Work up to a few times per week. Do this for a while, not wanting any sex. Watch what happens.

        3. A very generalized assumptive statement! Many men attempt to discover their wife’s interests and desires. Those same men would ask, do anything asked and quite often receive little or no response.

          In my case, throughout our marriage I have asked “what can I do to increase your pleasure”. The usual answer was always “nothing, I just am not interested in anything different or more often” or “I’m too busy\tired to discuss this right now.”

          Before you state I should do more to help out to share the burden more, please note I have always done 90% of the laundry, always do the dishes, do most of the yard work (I don’t touch her flowers since we want them to live :-). I also manage our finances. When we had kids and home (and I was not deployed) I was always engaged…making sure home work was completed, took them to dance\practice\meets\recitals.

          Some of us have tried hard for a long time but maybe you’re right our best was just not good enough!

        4. I have heard the same rhetoric from Christian counselors in the past, but men should not be made to feel like they have to be good enough to their wives to have their physical needs met. It sounds like you rejected your husband’s sexual advances because he wasn’t making you happy. But as a Christian we have to go back to Scripture, and Scripture says we need to fulfill each others sexual desires.

        5. This opinion is wholly untrue. If this is true for you Kelly, I am sorry but you found a selfish man. He is NOT representative of all men by any stretch. Most men I know (I am a man) will do anything to please their woman In fact they are open to way more than the women they are trying to please. The statistics don’t lie, women are the selfish narcissist’s, not the men. Just like men tend to be colder and less emotional. To suggest than men mope and nag is naïve at best.

  5. Nobody ever seems to have a similar experience to me. My ex and I had been trying to conceive for 2.4 years. We finally fell pregnant. But he started sleeping on the couch and watching porn. I tried to ask him why. I tried to talk to him about my needs. I tried to tell him we needed to be close now because later would be more difficult.

    In the last 4 years, we were intimate 4 times. He says it was more but no. He made every excuse in the book to not have sex with me. Or even sleep NEXT to me. I took it immensely personally because he knew and believed he couldn’t hurt me; he knew and believed that it wouldn’t hurt the baby and he agreed that the belly didn’t bother him.

    There was no affair, no fear, and no sex. I cried so often alone about this with him in the next room. We literally had the same sex drive. He just no longer wanted ME because I was pregnant with HIS baby. He wanted me plenty before. I never get to have answers on this.

    We later broke up and now he’s awkwardly hugging me, denying that he ever rejected me and says we’re best friends. I didn’t want a freaking friend out of this, I wanted a family and a husband who found me attractive enough to have sex more than once a year. This was probably the most painful thing I have ever gone through.

    1. I have no answer or comment. Just I am sorry. Not all men (in fact very few) are like this. Please don’t paint us all as evil or bad for this experience. You didn’t deserve it and I am genuinely sorry for your experience with a member of my gender. He does NOT represent me or most of us.

    2. My experience actually is quite similar (except for breaking up) but for the sake of my husband’s dignity, I won’t share details of why. It has been incredibly hurtful to sleep alone and to not have his affection ever unless he wants sex. Sometimes, his idea of warming me up is to corner me in the back of the house and ask me if I’m in the mood. If I’m in the middle of dishes, grading papers, doing yard work, cleaning up his messes, dealing with a sick child, sick myself, etc., the answer is no. It doesn’t mean I can’t get there, just that I’m not at that moment. It would actually take time and effort on his part for me to be turned on.

      Things like holding my hand when we walk down the street or cuddling with me with no expectations when we watch a movie would go a long way. He also gets mad when I’m on my period, as if I have a choice about that. But I know I can’t refuse him all the time. Unless I’m on my period, I usually will say yes. I’m struggling because I feel used by someone who made a covenant with God and me to cherish and protect me. It hurts mentally and emotionally. There’s no talking to him about it- at least not at this point. Maybe down the road we can. All I can do is cry to God for help.

  6. My wife gives me pity sex once a week. When I try to ask for it outside of that, she says that she is not a sexual release for me and she is not a prostitute. When we have sex, she just lays there. No other positions allowed. Right before we start, she says “get it over with really, really, really quickly.” with a laugh, but she is also half-serious. She takes her clothes off like she’s at the dr’s office and there’s no desire for intimacy or foreplay.

    She’s 40 and looks stunning by the way, and there are no medical issues going on. Of course before marriage, she wanted it all the time. I think this is how women are wired – passionately give it to the man often and intensely until you secure him and can procreate. After that, there’s no need to keep up the charade, because you’re married and you have your kid(s), and now they are your biological priority. And I resent it. If I try to bring up the issue with her, she gets frustrated and says she will start having sex with me even less often if I keep nagging. Divorce is not an option because I love her and we have a child. But I resent the whole situation.

    Women have it so good, because the ball is always in their court. While you are with them, they can use sex as a powerful tool to punish and reward. If you leave them, they take your house, car, and all future paychecks and you’re living in an apartment and seeing your kids on weekends if you are lucky.

    1. Wow, my situation is a lot like O.G. I’m “allowed” once every 1-2 weeks (she decides when always) but with stipulations – In the closet on the floor because she doesn’t want to get the sheets dirty, she keeps her top half clothed (and puts on a sweater), only one position allowed (she turns around on her stomach).

      It’s so cold-hearted and she controls everything. It’s been like this for almost 10 years and I’ve wanted to cut it off all that time – but I always have some deranged hope things will get better. Before we had kids for 5 years so always acted like the far more aggressive one in terms of libido but as soon as she got pregnant with our first kid, everything changed. We didn’t have any sex at all for the 2 or so years around both my kids pregnancy and birth.

    2. What food permanently reduces a woman’s sex drive by 90% or more? Wedding cake.

  7. I am so tired of the old trope of wives refusing their husbands sex. Women have a sex drive, too. It is often the wife who has the higher sex drive in the marriage and her husband is the one refusing her. The Bible tells both spouses, not just the wife, to submit to each other. Often when it is the wife who has lost interest, it is because her husband thinks sex revolves his pleasure. Women get tired of feeling used. If their pleasure never matters why bother? If more men realized this, there would be fewer sex-starved marriages.

    1. Kelly, while I have no doubt there are insensitive husbands who don’t care about their wife’s sexual pleasure, that does not seem to be the men posting on this forum. And, the man is not always the higher libido spouse. Women are often the ones rejected by their husbands. It goes in both directions. I guess by your logic, if the wife would just “satisfy her husband” and not be so self centered, he would not reject her so much, right?

      The reality is that the low libido spouse ends up being the gate keeper and controls the sexual relationship. I don’t know the stats but that is more often than not, the wife.

      Men want sexual intimacy to connect with their wives. It is very often their “love language” to be constantly rejected is a form of spousal abuse, and in most places grounds for divorce. Each spouse took a vow.

      Try not to be such a man hater.

    2. There is no debating the issue that men sex drives are higher than women’s generally speaking. Just look at the responses I’m here. The verse that you used from Ephesians 5 refers to service not sex, so you’re using it out of context. The verse to be considered is first Corinthians 7:3-5.

      The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

      We have entered into this union in an agreement to God that we would fulfill his commands to us as married people. And if it is difficult to love your spouse and fulfill their needs than that is something that you need to pray to the Lord for help with. God made men with a strong sexual desire and his wife must meet those needs.

  8. My wife knows I’m miserable with our 3x a month pity sex routine, and when I bring it up, she tells me I need to find someone else. I love her but I am just so resentful. And I also resent that almost every website makes this the man’s fault. Do the dishes more. Help her with laundry more. Ask her how her day is going more. Help with the kids more. Be more sensitive to her needs. Compliment her on how she looks. Buy her flowers more often just because. Take her on more date nights. Practice empathy and be a better active listener. Be more considerate of her needs. Give her a massage but don’t initiate sex. Put flower petals on the bed if and when she does concede. Lose the weight and take care of yourself better. On and on.

    Nobody is really willing to just say it like it is: knowingly or not, women use sex as currency and power, and in doing so, they de facto control the relationship to their liking. Unless you are lucky and marry a high libido woman who stays that way, it ends up being a raw deal for all the men involved.

    1. OG, learn how to make her scream from an orgasm, do it as many times possible without any sex afterwards. Even if she asks. On the “3x a month pity sex routine” pleasure her first, NO SEX. cover her up, and let that be it for the night.

    2. Bravo! Well said sir. What those websites should’ve said was, wives be obedient to God‘s word.

  9. The first 18 years of our marriage my wife treated sex as a “chore”. I got so sick of it on top of struggling financially. Many days after a rejection I went to sleep in the sofa. One day I was so irritated I made her sleep on the sofa. The ice broke, she refused a lot less, but still a “chore”. As our finances got better, her willingness increases, and now once in a blue moon she even initiates. It’s much better but I still do not forgive my wife for 18 years feeling like a beggar, and things only get better because of money.

  10. Timely finding this article. I honestly believe He lead me to this not in hopes of our situation evolving but hope in the knowledge I am not alone.

    Male here in a 40 year marriage. Our sexual relations have never been satisfactory for me. I was very HD while my wife has always been very LD and no desires for exploring…only missionary intercourse allowed with little foreplay.

    I have always felt like I am not worthy of anything… blessings from the Lord, His mercy and grace, let alone the physical pleasures of a satisfying sex life. The constant rejection related to sex just amplified those feelings of worthlessness.

    Now that I am no longer able to have sexual relations (a great relief to my spouse) I feel resentful and very bitter. I have prayed constantly the Lord will remove these ill feelings but I struggle to really release them to Him. I always felt like the Lord led me to and placed a desire in my heart for this woman. However the long suffering of rejection and now these feelings of resentment and bitterness are crushing my soul.

    My prayers are changing to a request of please just bring me home to remove these hurts, these feelings of worthlessness and remove all the sexual desire in my heart that has caused sin by lusting after my neighbors wife or envy of those experiencing satisfactory sexual desires. I will pray other frustrated spouses do not suffer so and the Lord provides a path to peace. Amen.

    1. Female here, in almost 40 year misery/marriage. I pray that He would call me home. That was my prayer as I went into surgery a couple of months ago.

  11. Constant rejection towards us men will eventually make us reject our women’s advances when the sexlife becomes completely one sided. Eventually we check out of the relationship all together. Relationships are supposed to be mutual, once the gatekeeper and only when she’s in the mood thing happens, it’s only a matter of time before we either leave if honorable or cheat if we feel trapped and can’t leave and won’t try to fix the problem. It’s always blamed on low T, or stress or this or that, but generally when a man gives up it’s because she’s said no a million times and we simply can’t be bothered anymore…

    1. You are partially right. I have to admit it, I wait for my wife to get in the mood. After waiting & waiting, you find yourself not wanting so much. Plus for me, I am at the bottom of the food chain. Everyone has precedence over me. I don’t expect to be at or the near the top but at least above the drug addicts in the fam. After many years, I finally got her to turn the ringer off on her phone when we have sex. But as soon as we are thru she is checking it. About your situation, stay faithful, try counseling, find a hobby, go to the gym, don’t ask for sex, but stay faithful.

  12. I am the man in a loving relationship but tired of begging for intimacy. I open my wife’s doors, tell her I love her everyday, buy her toys, do anything she wants to show her I adore her. We use to have sex a lot. I never orgasm until she does, which is four or five orgasms every time. I buy for her lingerie, dresses, jeans, panties, bras, take her out for dinners, wine, music.

    She can’t orgasm if I go down unless she watches porn. We’ve been together 10 years. The last 3 not much or feel like I am begging and for me I feel physically a woman can lay down lube up and open legs but a man needs to feel loved, wanted, and intimacy and that he is a man before he gets up and ready instead of rolling over and saying ok stick it in for my sake. I prayed, begged, ask, try to buy her love. Please help.

  13. First of all. I truly feel for all that are struggling like this. I too have been with a wonderful woman, my wife, for 22+ years. I’m 57; she’s 10 years younger than me and I truly wish she would just read this and just because he stopped asking; I’m miserable. We might get intimate once in 3 months if lucky, and at that I feel she’s not truly present for it. We believe she’s started menopause and this has been going on for about 3 years roughly.

    I’ve stopped trying to be intimate with her due to being dismissed ie my head or arm or legs hurt for example or simply because I said as she puts it. We have a beautiful daughter just starting high-school with a learning disability. Sometimes if I could just afford to pack up with my daughter and move to a town that has work for me I might have. But I love my wife and daughter and truly hope things get better. It’s not easy but I’ve never been a guy that would cheat on the person I’m committed to. Best wishes to all.

  14. I like and enjoy giving. I just don’t enjoy receiving. She doesn’t particularly enjoy giving and I’m fine with that. No resentment on either side. There’s more to a marriage than sex.

  15. Over the last couple of years I’ve stopped asking. I’ve become silent quitter on the idea of sex. After years of asking, being rejected, and called various names for wanting to be intimate with my wife, I don’t see why I should try. I would rather not feel uncomfortable with asking or initiating. It just hurts less to not try vs just be turned down, ignored, or start a fight.

    Now, I get asked what’s wrong, and told it would be nice if I initiate. But the contradiction of that makes no sense. After years of trying now you want me to? And when I do try the previous history repeats it’s self.

    I’ve tried to be honest about it. To tell her the hurt it’s caused me mentally and to a certain degree physically. I’ve explained myself more times then I can count. But I feel unheard. I feel held hostage to her whims related to intimacy.

    As others have stated, I help around the house, with the kids, supported her in her times of need and stood by when most would have cheated or left.

    I would much rather feel like I could be intimate with her like she wants, but I cannot when my needs haven’t been or or currently met. When I have brought that up I’ve been called controlling or selfish.

    I’ve pointed out the inconsistencies in her positions on intimacy. I’ve gotten her to admit some of my points, but one would believe that something would click. Yet I still ignored and unheard. I’m not asking for every day or every time I ask, but come on. It’s as if she just like the control.

    I don’t want to play games, but I almost want to turn the tables. So she understands, but I don’t want to be vindictive