Sexual Refusal: He Stopped Asking But He Didn’t Stop Wanting

Sexual refusal Arguing out of alignment Dollarphotoclub_79139520The title of this article is a long one, but it’s an important issue within marriage… VERY important! It deals with sexual refusal within the marriage. Just because a husband stops asking his wife to make love, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t still want to. (For those of you who are not married, I’m sorry. But this article and the one that follows are aimed for those who are married.) 

“The story goes something like this: One spouse has a higher drive (HD), and the other spouse has a lesser drive (LD). Spouse HD asks, pursues, begs, pleads, prays, asks, wonders… and finally stops. Spouse LD, meanwhile, feels frustrated, cajoled, annoyed, resentful… and finally relieved.”

Sexual Refusal Within Marriage

But there’s more to this whole scenario than this, as the title implies.

To take you to the rest of what the author wrote on this issue, I’m going to send you to another web site. I was going to ask permission to post the article that follows. The author, J. Parker is great that way. But there are many comments after the article, which are compelling to read. And we don’t want you to miss out on those either.

So, we’re providing a link to the Hot, Holy, and Humorous web site. This way you can read what they have written on this topic. It doesn’t just pertain to husbands who are refused. It also addresses wives, as well. If you need to flip a few pronouns around here and there, please do so. But they do a pretty good job of addressing both. Intimacy needs are important to address, whether they come from the husband or the wife.

BUT PLEASE, if you post anything on their comment line, please post it here, as well. We’d love for this topic to be discussed on both of our web sites so we can all benefit. Thanks!

Please Read:

Just Because He Stopped Asking, Doesn’t Mean He Stopped Wanting

The question was asked in the above article, “Can we work on our sex life?”

That’s a question that a lot of spouses have asked and will ask. The author of the next article, Chris, was asked that question quite a bit. But she says that she was the “refuser” in her marriage.

Here’s part of her testimony concerning sexual refusal from another angle:

“After 20 years of being a sexual gatekeeper and refuser, I am now learning to dance with desire. I’m learning to enjoy the full intimacy that comes with passionate and joyful sex with the husband God provided for me.”

In another article posted on her web site, The Forgiven Wife, she writes:

“My husband had his access to emotional and physical intimacy controlled by me for two decades. He has seen me change. I’ve atoned for my sin, in both thought and deed. My husband has forgiven me, and so has my God. Most of the time, I can even say I’ve forgiven myself. I thank God that my husband did not think I was beyond redemption. I mean that in the fullness of the definition, not just theologically.”

The following is a link to part of her testimony. You can read more on her web site, as well. (Again, we’re hoping that if you post a comment on her web site, you’ll post it here too. This way the topic can be openly discussed by husbands and wives who deal with the “refusal” issue.)

Please read:

Crawling Out of the Pit

Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.

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Filed under: Sexual Issues

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14 responses to “Sexual Refusal: He Stopped Asking But He Didn’t Stop Wanting

  1. My wife and I are Christians. We love the Lord and have been married 30 years with no intentions of divorce. That being said, I must say I am very confused and saddened by our lack of a sex life. After menopause it became more and more difficult to talk about and now, even though I still have a strong desire for a physical and emotional relationship, I have decided it is easier just to stay quiet and suffer in silence. But, I will say I am so lonely I get depressed and angry a lot. She never brings it up and many nights sleeps on the couch leaving me to wonder does she still love me.

  2. My wife also has a low to non-existent sex drive. And I cannot believe how accurate this article is. Our sex life tapered down over the years leading up to children and then took an abrupt crash. My wife quit initiating any intimacy, and the effort of trying to arrange any privacy for intimacy was difficult; when it was accomplished often it seemed to be treated as a chore, lying there with absolutely no interest. Eventually I just moved to the spare room in the basement. I prayed for God to remove my sex drive as I had no desire to cheat on my wife. It has been a very long time, ten years now but God finally gave me an answer in the form of a pill. I suffer from depression, likely from childhood abuse, and over time the medication that works for my depression had to be modified. Eventually I ended up on an anti-depressant called a Selective Norepinepherine Reuptake inhibitor (SNRI) and one of the side effects in 8 out of 100 men is a drop in interest in sex. Thankfully I am one of those 8. Now with no interest in sex I don’t feel the constant pain of my wife’s indifference and animosity, complaints, thin excuses and ridicule.

  3. “After 20 years of being a sexual gatekeeper and refuser, I am now learning to dance with desire. I’m learning to enjoy the full intimacy that comes with passionate and joyful sex with the husband God provided for me.”

    So, she spent the most attractive years of her life being a horrible wife. Now, after losing her looks and body, she will finally consider having sex again. That’s not exactly what I’d call a win.

    In fact, it sounds more like her husband finally quit putting up with her and she was forced to ration out sex again to get him in line. Rather than the working of God, it sounds like a cold, calculating woman.

    1. My thoughts exactly; she spent HIS best years sexually denying/rejecting him, and now that SHE’S ready she expects him to just “hop to it,” and doesn’t understand why 2 decades gone by, he’s not willing or eager to pick up where they left off, or more likely, never started to begin with.

  4. For some guys, after being told by their wives: “no, later, I am busy, screaming kids, gotta talk to my sister, I have to clean the house, gotta listen to adult children’s problems,” time after time, they just give up. Tired of asking and tired of being told no. These are the guys who can eventually end up in an affair. The guy loses every time.

  5. I’ve dealt with sexual rejection/neglect for the past 12 years. My wife has time for the kids, her sister, church activities, friends, and time on her cellphone. I’ve tried talking to her about my needs not being met, but it seems to fall on deaf ears. It’s painful for a man to want to be intimate with the woman he loves but can’t. It’s hard not to feel bitterness and anger towards my wife. She also tries to make me feel guilty for wanting sex.

    What’s really frustrating is when she tells me,”I’ll take care of you later”,and later never comes. I’m frustrated to the point that I think of leaving on a daily basis. I’m a good man, but feel so unappreciated. Our youngest is 11 years old, and I refuse to turn her world upside by leaving. I guess I’ll just have to endure this for her sake. I feel so trapped and unhappy.

    1. Hi: I am sorry to hear of your problem Robert. I feel led to suggest that you pray earnestly about the situation, asking God to solve the problem. In the mean time, both of you come together and schedule one or two date times, night or day or both. Plan where you both would have time to yourselves. Remind her of the date days leading up to the event, to build up the excitement.

      This also applies to verbal and nonverbal communication which includes touching etc. Be careful of the manner in which you may wish to correct her if necessary prior to your date. Make note of her likes and dislikes of things she may have expressed in the past. Try not to be agressive for sex; to some extent let it occur as naturally as possible.

      God loves you both and greatly wants His gifts of marriage to be enjoyed and appreciated. Gods wants you to trust Him and He will work it out! Victoria

  6. I have been married for over 25 years and love my wife. I always tell her she is the love of my life and only want to be with her. She turns me down all the time and says that one time a week is all she can do. The thing is when we do it is a half baked doll like sex we do have. She has no passion anymore. I have talked to her about it and it always ends in a fight and she says all I want is sex. Want to say if that was all I wanted her for it would not be with you. So tired.

    1. I am going thru the same with my husband of 24yrs…it makes me feel down on myself. I wish u luck and please wish me luck also…

  7. This is my life… and I recently just decided to stop trying. For the past 15 years or so sexual intimacy has been hit or miss. I’ve struck up numerous conversations about the constant rejection. I hear her say that she will change…. it never has. I can’t say that it hits my ego or makes me feel ugly…. I just feel unwanted. I’m just lost…. I feel we’re living as roommates and not husband and wife. I just avoid it anymore. I go to bed later than her. At this point if she initiated… that’s a big if…. I think I would just refuse and tell her why. I don’t want to fall into a cycle of bad emotions for myself if we make love once and then not again for another 6 months or a year. I’m tired of the hurt of feeling unwanted by my own wife. I feel for anyone who is dealing with the same thing. Hopefully if you talk about it your spouse will listen and hear you and not make false promises.

    1. “Unwanted and lost;” that is it exactly. You couldn’t have described it better. Strength to you this day brother.