Sexual Refusal: He Stopped Asking But He Didn’t Stop Wanting

Sexual refusal Arguing out of alignment Dollarphotoclub_79139520The title of this article is a long one, but it’s an important issue within marriage… VERY important! It deals with sexual refusal within the marriage. Just because a husband stops asking his wife to make love, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t still want to. (For those of you who are not married, I’m sorry. But this article and the one that follows are aimed for those who are married.) 

“The story goes something like this: One spouse has a higher drive (HD), and the other spouse has a lesser drive (LD). Spouse HD asks, pursues, begs, pleads, prays, asks, wonders… and finally stops. Spouse LD, meanwhile, feels frustrated, cajoled, annoyed, resentful… and finally relieved.”

Sexual Refusal Within Marriage

But there’s more to this whole scenario than this, as the title implies.

To take you to the rest of what the author wrote on this issue, I’m going to send you to another web site. I was going to ask permission to post the article that follows. The author, J. Parker is great that way. But there are many comments after the article, which are compelling to read. And we don’t want you to miss out on those either.

So, we’re providing a link to the Hot, Holy, and Humorous web site. This way you can read what they have written on this topic. It doesn’t just pertain to husbands who are refused. It also addresses wives, as well. If you need to flip a few pronouns around here and there, please do so. But they do a pretty good job of addressing both. Intimacy needs are important to address, whether they come from the husband or the wife.

BUT PLEASE, if you post anything on their comment line, please post it here, as well. We’d love for this topic to be discussed on both of our web sites so we can all benefit. Thanks!

Please Read:

Just Because He Stopped Asking, Doesn’t Mean He Stopped Wanting

The question was asked in the above article, “Can we work on our sex life?”

That’s a question that a lot of spouses have asked and will ask. The author of the next article, Chris, was asked that question quite a bit. But she says that she was the “refuser” in her marriage.

Here’s part of her testimony concerning sexual refusal from another angle:

“After 20 years of being a sexual gatekeeper and refuser, I am now learning to dance with desire. I’m learning to enjoy the full intimacy that comes with passionate and joyful sex with the husband God provided for me.”

In another article posted on her web site, The Forgiven Wife, she writes:

“My husband had his access to emotional and physical intimacy controlled by me for two decades. He has seen me change. I’ve atoned for my sin, in both thought and deed. My husband has forgiven me, and so has my God. Most of the time, I can even say I’ve forgiven myself. I thank God that my husband did not think I was beyond redemption. I mean that in the fullness of the definition, not just theologically.”

The following is a link to part of her testimony. You can read more on her web site, as well. (Again, we’re hoping that if you post a comment on her web site, you’ll post it here too. This way the topic can be openly discussed by husbands and wives who deal with the “refusal” issue.)

Please read:

Crawling Out of the Pit

Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.

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Filed under: Sexual Issues

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30 responses to “Sexual Refusal: He Stopped Asking But He Didn’t Stop Wanting

  1. My wife and I are Christians. We love the Lord and have been married 30 years with no intentions of divorce. That being said, I must say I am very confused and saddened by our lack of a sex life. After menopause it became more and more difficult to talk about and now, even though I still have a strong desire for a physical and emotional relationship, I have decided it is easier just to stay quiet and suffer in silence. But, I will say I am so lonely I get depressed and angry a lot. She never brings it up and many nights sleeps on the couch leaving me to wonder does she still love me.

  2. My wife also has a low to non-existent sex drive. And I cannot believe how accurate this article is. Our sex life tapered down over the years leading up to children and then took an abrupt crash. My wife quit initiating any intimacy, and the effort of trying to arrange any privacy for intimacy was difficult; when it was accomplished often it seemed to be treated as a chore, lying there with absolutely no interest. Eventually I just moved to the spare room in the basement. I prayed for God to remove my sex drive as I had no desire to cheat on my wife. It has been a very long time, ten years now but God finally gave me an answer in the form of a pill. I suffer from depression, likely from childhood abuse, and over time the medication that works for my depression had to be modified. Eventually I ended up on an anti-depressant called a Selective Norepinepherine Reuptake inhibitor (SNRI) and one of the side effects in 8 out of 100 men is a drop in interest in sex. Thankfully I am one of those 8. Now with no interest in sex I don’t feel the constant pain of my wife’s indifference and animosity, complaints, thin excuses and ridicule.

    1. This makes me cry. I cry not because I feel pity but because I have been married only 2 years, in addition, it’s already happening in our relationship. I have a low sex drive and my husband has a high sex drive like you. I wish I had a higher sex drive. I used to stress and get anxious about it. In addition, it used to make me mad when he would bring it up.

      I still do, but I automatically get annoyed and upset understand why I get mad. I can’t help it sometimes. I know he knows when I am upset. The topic of sex used to come up randomly when I was talking about something I thought was important, not related to sex. I am not or wasn’t in the mood a lot of the time, but I want him to feel loved and needed. I know we are going thru some financial stuff now, so he feels defeated like nothing is going his way.

      Would you have been happy if she gave you oral sex 1-3x a week instead of intercourse? Would you be happy having intercourse with your wife knowing she was waiting for it to be over? Should I learn to fake it to make him happy? I want him to be happy. What should I do? We have been in a relationship for 10 years but married 2 years. I want a man’s advice. …Please.

      1. If you want to make him happy, make him happy. Ask him what he wants. Give him what he wants. This really is not difficult. Make this easy.

      2. Sorry to hear this. My wife was like you. She would let us do it to keep me happy. From a guys view, being with our wife helps keep our eyes & thoughts at home. I would say you should ‘suffer thru sex’ rather than you be on here 1 year from now saying your husband had an affair. Oral? personally, I do not like oral. She’s waiting for it to be over. Yeah, that too is for her. Fortunately, for her, it does not take me long to ‘finish’. Currently, we are ‘middle age’, she is on HRT, I almost cant keep up. She used to never have an “O”. (keeping a G rating); now she does it 2 or 3 times per week with manual stimulation and a simple ‘toy’. You are probably in your 30’s. ask your ob/gyn about this, have you considered having your hormone levels checked?

  3. “After 20 years of being a sexual gatekeeper and refuser, I am now learning to dance with desire. I’m learning to enjoy the full intimacy that comes with passionate and joyful sex with the husband God provided for me.”

    So, she spent the most attractive years of her life being a horrible wife. Now, after losing her looks and body, she will finally consider having sex again. That’s not exactly what I’d call a win.

    In fact, it sounds more like her husband finally quit putting up with her and she was forced to ration out sex again to get him in line. Rather than the working of God, it sounds like a cold, calculating woman.

    1. My thoughts exactly; she spent HIS best years sexually denying/rejecting him, and now that SHE’S ready she expects him to just “hop to it,” and doesn’t understand why 2 decades gone by, he’s not willing or eager to pick up where they left off, or more likely, never started to begin with.

  4. For some guys, after being told by their wives: “no, later, I am busy, screaming kids, gotta talk to my sister, I have to clean the house, gotta listen to adult children’s problems,” time after time, they just give up. Tired of asking and tired of being told no. These are the guys who can eventually end up in an affair. The guy loses every time.

    1. Yep, I lived thru her 7 year itch with a dozen mates; Gonorea showed up at 3rd pregnancy. Her response? “Soo very sorry…I love you, please forgive.” Non amazing affection for till 50th. No more anything. I quit asking and sleep in basement. Recent comment at holiday family gathering where I sat close; she commented “Isn’t He annoying?” Then she slid to the other side of the couch. I asked about a year ago while at a convention hotel weekend. Can we be romantic? … Result, “we can do that anytime” Rather, lets meet up with friends in lobby and visit. I should split aft 50 years marriage. eh?

      1. I commend you after staying after the 7 year itch & 12 guys. You said, “Isn’t He annoying?” Then she slid to the other side of the couch.” I would have quietly left after whispering in her ear, “I will not annoy you anymore, please find yourself a ride home.” 50 years of marriage? That would put you guys around 70+ yrs old? Split? She may be entitled to 50% of your retirement.

    2. My husband and I have the problem where I am the one with the low libido. It makes me sad because I wish I had a high libido. Sometimes I get mad or annoyed when he brings up sex or his fantasies because he brings it up at the most random moments or when things are supposed to be serious. I think about our sex life a lot more than he knows, at least once a week. I am horny, but not horny for intercourse. He wants intercourse most of the time and I could go without. I am a complicated being, I know…

      I could fake it, but I know he knows when I am not into it. I could give him oral sex if I am not up for it, but then he wants more. I know it hurts him or makes him upset or frustrated to see me just lying there because I can see it in his face. So I close my eyes sometimes during sex and then I feel ashamed, guilty and anxious. I try to enjoy.

      Sometimes I am too scared to ask for oral when I am horny because that’s all I want and I know he will want more. Sometimes if we do more then the unexpected happens and I get into or the opposite happens and I am not then he is hurt by it because I want him to hurry up.

      I avoid it because I am ashamed, feel guilty and feel unworthy of him so sometimes it is better to not face that fear and stay clear of all sexual activity. Sex is so complicated and hard. I can’t always control how I feel or when I orgasm. I try to get into the mood, but it doesn’t always go my way.

      Right now, my situation is we have not had sex in a week and a half, not because I am not horny because I am either too lazy or because I am feeling selfish or scared that he may say no or because he may think I am faking it. I have thought about how I will confront him and then I don’t do it. I keep putting it off.

      I know he is feel defeated with work, life and sex. I know he wants it. When I want it should I just ask him to give me oral and then see where it leads? What do you think?

  5. I’ve dealt with sexual rejection/neglect for the past 12 years. My wife has time for the kids, her sister, church activities, friends, and time on her cellphone. I’ve tried talking to her about my needs not being met, but it seems to fall on deaf ears. It’s painful for a man to want to be intimate with the woman he loves but can’t. It’s hard not to feel bitterness and anger towards my wife. She also tries to make me feel guilty for wanting sex.

    What’s really frustrating is when she tells me,”I’ll take care of you later”,and later never comes. I’m frustrated to the point that I think of leaving on a daily basis. I’m a good man, but feel so unappreciated. Our youngest is 11 years old, and I refuse to turn her world upside by leaving. I guess I’ll just have to endure this for her sake. I feel so trapped and unhappy.

    1. Hi: I am sorry to hear of your problem Robert. I feel led to suggest that you pray earnestly about the situation, asking God to solve the problem. In the mean time, both of you come together and schedule one or two date times, night or day or both. Plan where you both would have time to yourselves. Remind her of the date days leading up to the event, to build up the excitement.

      This also applies to verbal and nonverbal communication which includes touching etc. Be careful of the manner in which you may wish to correct her if necessary prior to your date. Make note of her likes and dislikes of things she may have expressed in the past. Try not to be agressive for sex; to some extent let it occur as naturally as possible.

      God loves you both and greatly wants His gifts of marriage to be enjoyed and appreciated. Gods wants you to trust Him and He will work it out! Victoria

    2. Robert, it’s bang on the same situation I am in. She is willing to spend time with the kids but will not do anything special for me. Birthdays, etc… are initiated by my 12-year-old daughter. As an accountant, I know how detrimental it would be for all of us if I decide to leave. So like you, I would rather hang around like a loser just to avoid hurting my daughter.

      This woman also professes to be a Christian but cannot see and realize her husband has needs. This is what I cannot understand. There needs to be more preaching regarding neglecting your spouse’s advances.

  6. I have been married for over 25 years and love my wife. I always tell her she is the love of my life and only want to be with her. She turns me down all the time and says that one time a week is all she can do. The thing is when we do it is a half baked doll like sex we do have. She has no passion anymore. I have talked to her about it and it always ends in a fight and she says all I want is sex. Want to say if that was all I wanted her for it would not be with you. So tired.

    1. I am going thru the same with my husband of 24yrs…it makes me feel down on myself. I wish u luck and please wish me luck also…

    2. So why DON’T you say that to her? Exactly that. My guess is she may need an ultimatum or at least a wake-up call to shake her out of her selfish complacency. Will it start a fight? Most likely. But face it; what has not telling her how you feel and tiptoeing around her gotten you so far? More fights, am I right? What do you have to lose at this point?

  7. This is my life… and I recently just decided to stop trying. For the past 15 years or so sexual intimacy has been hit or miss. I’ve struck up numerous conversations about the constant rejection. I hear her say that she will change…. it never has. I can’t say that it hits my ego or makes me feel ugly…. I just feel unwanted. I’m just lost…. I feel we’re living as roommates and not husband and wife. I just avoid it anymore. I go to bed later than her. At this point if she initiated… that’s a big if…. I think I would just refuse and tell her why. I don’t want to fall into a cycle of bad emotions for myself if we make love once and then not again for another 6 months or a year. I’m tired of the hurt of feeling unwanted by my own wife. I feel for anyone who is dealing with the same thing. Hopefully if you talk about it your spouse will listen and hear you and not make false promises.

    1. “Unwanted and lost;” that is it exactly. You couldn’t have described it better. Strength to you this day brother.

    2. Hi Ron, as mentioned in a previous reply I am going through the same thing. Not in my wildest dreams could I imagine my wife neglecting me like this. Did you walk down the aisle with me as this being one of your future plans? Of course not. We are meant to serve each other.

      I am a Christian but also a man and its becoming harder to take. I am starting to believe its society’s fault that causes this. Instead of planning things with my wife, I find myself looking for things I can do without her.

  8. My wife of 32 years never initiates, never touches me on the hand, never just sits on my lap or even close to me on the couch, never just kisses me other than just a peck goodbye before work. I am always trying to gauge whether or not tonight would be a good night to try to have sex, but 95% of the time it ends in frustration and sometimes anger that she never knows about.

    Recently, I decided to only return the affection that I was given and after over 4 months of no sex, no touching, no kissing, I couldn’t take it any more and finally initiated sex again. I don’t think she even noticed that we had not been intimate for that long. She responds to my needs with a willingness if I time it right, but I feel like she is just doing her duty as a wife and not really wanting it herself. It was less of an emotional roller coaster to just not put myself through wanting sex, and hoping, and then not getting it than to just forget about it and try not to think about it.

    I did get more depressed than I have ever been during those months, but that evidently went unnoticed as well. I feel like I am at the very bottom of her “to do” list and she never gets to me. I spend most evenings wishing she would spend just 1% of the time she is looking at her phone on me. When we do have sex, I am usually so ready that it is over in 20 minutes or so. Then she will get dressed, get out of bed and go back to looking at her phone and will sleep on the couch. Through the years I have expressed to her that I need more physical attention and she has promised to do better, but it has never come close to what I need. I have suffered in silence for so many years.

    1. Dave, Like you, I stopped asking and finally, after months of waiting around in quiet desperation, I would initiate. She would once again put in the minimum effort and enthusiasm. After a couple of tries I have pretty well decided to give up totally; just too much build up only to be disappointed time and again. I suspect that will ultimately be your outcome. I really wish I could tell you differently, but I don’t want to give you false hope. Besides, I don’t want to insult your intelligence by telling you what deep down, you know already. Peace and strength to you brother.

    2. What age is your wife? 45+? She needs to try hormone replacement therapy. Maybe an anti-depressant. My wife did. Are you a fun husband? have you taken her out on dates? Out to eat, movie, dancing? Listen to music? You can’t expect to go from 0 to 100, but work your way up. Schmooze, plot, tease & play her without mentioning or action toward sex. When you get home, standing in the driveway or parking lot, pull her close, kiss her hard, ask her if you can take her out next week. Let that be it for the night. No more contact. See what happens….

  9. I want to tread very lightly here because far be it from me to chime in here due to my past relationship well lack of understanding…

    After 25 years of marriage(2 different women…I will not provide further comment of relationship status), I’ve come to this realization and I do not say this in jest…I dont really understand women in general, specifically neither of my wives nor do I really know how to communicate with women, again specifically neither of my wives.

    These issues were a result of my arrogance, pride, ego…I thought I knew everything there was to know about a woman and yet I really knew nothing. God had to break me down, do a work in my life which included me getting back right with Him, Him re-educating me giving me knowledge/discernment/wisdom when it comes to my Christian husband lack of better term role to fulfill within marriage covenant.

    In essence below is what God has taught me about being Christian Man/Leader/Husband in my home:

    I’m responsible for creating/fostering a vibrant, active Christian family environment. In essence that I set this tone by:
    Me spending alone time reading my Bible and praying. The Lord has graciously given me the time to accomplish both of these. Accepting and actively pursuing my Christian Leader/Husband, corporate family worship leadership(joyfully signing praises unto the Lord, Getting kids involved by asking them to create prayer journal log prayers they want to pray for Ask them to praise the Lord)

    Create, establish and maintain a climate of love in my family. Any rivalry or competition between I put aside…she isnt in competition with me. Build a team spirit with my wife. Sarcasm, put-downs, name-calling, and abusive words must stop, since they destroy caring, loving relationships. I want to nourish and cherish my wife and to protect and build up her and the children.

    Lastly, loving my wife like Christ loves the church and gave himself for it. At the heart of all of this is daily dying to self in order to follow Jesus Christ (Luke 9:23). Selfishness is at the core of most anger and conflict. Again, biblical love is by definition self-sacrificing, not self-serving: “Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.”
    When God got a hold of me, He took and opened my heart up and put the love of Christ into my heart out of which is how I love people particularly my wife now, loving them with love of Christ out of my own heart…I always put her ahead of me always.

    Becoming my wife’s best friend by setting aside some time throughout the week:
    – Where we just in general talk, continuing to get to know each other and about each other.
    – Im excited to hear about her day what the Lord has done, what kind of blessings did she get, etc
    – If there is a need to talk about items not so positive, well just being there where I listen to her, provide comfort, encouragement and support. Become my wifes best friend and vice versa. In doing these we are continuing to build our Christian foundation together(a unity and bond of togetherness in our Savior Jesus Christ), building a trust and security, a safe place if you will where either of us know we can have this, share anything we need to share and have complete trust in each other.

    I humbly give this out and I hope that it may be a blessing and God uses it for His honor and glory

    1. You have nailed it. Spot on !! 100%. Been married for 30 years & a GOOD SEX LIFE . . . . because Jesus is the centre of our family and I ask the Holy Spirit to show me “how to dwell with my wife in understanding”

      Pray with your wife and demonstrate unconditional Agape Love and she will find you irresistable (I have a pot belly at age 62) LOVE OVERCOMES ALL

      To the unmarried young men; you are ruining your future sex life, by scarring your wife emotionally and reinforcing negative sexual perceptions in her, by engaing in sex before marriage. Don’t believe me?? . . . read Barbara Wilson’s book “Kiss me Again” . . . it wil shock you to your core.

  10. These are actually enormous ideas in on the topic of blogging. You have touched some nice factors here. Any way keep up writing.

  11. As hurtful as it is to be refused. Your spouse still wants you and obviously you too. However it is a serious turn off to have someone pester constantly trying to figure out a way to manipulate you to coerce you for sex repeatedly. Regardless of what sex you are it might be ok once in a while but just trust me don’t ask any more. They will come around when they realize that your not trying to pressure them into sex.

    The time you spend with your spouse is important to both of you so work on that first like if you’re dating again. Make sure they know you love them physically mentally emotionally and then when trust and respect and communication are back between the two of you. You two will get more sex than you ever needed. But you have to realize first that sex is not a thing you do to your spouse or vice versa but something you mutually share when the rest of your real relationship problems are working first.