Sexual Refusal: He Stopped Asking But He Didn’t Stop Wanting

Sexual refusal Arguing out of alignment Dollarphotoclub_79139520The title of this article is a long one, but it’s an important issue within marriage… VERY important! It deals with sexual refusal within the marriage. Just because a husband stops asking his wife to make love, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t still want to. (For those of you who are not married, I’m sorry. But this article and the one that follows are aimed for those who are married.) 

“The story goes something like this: One spouse has a higher drive (HD), and the other spouse has a lesser drive (LD). Spouse HD asks, pursues, begs, pleads, prays, asks, wonders… and finally stops. Spouse LD, meanwhile, feels frustrated, cajoled, annoyed, resentful… and finally relieved.”

Sexual Refusal Within Marriage

But there’s more to this whole scenario than this, as the title implies.

To take you to the rest of what the author wrote on this issue, I’m going to send you to another web site. I was going to ask permission to post the article that follows. The author, J. Parker is great that way. But there are many comments after the article, which are compelling to read. And we don’t want you to miss out on those either.

So, we’re providing a link to the Hot, Holy, and Humorous web site. This way you can read what they have written on this topic. It doesn’t just pertain to husbands who are refused. It also addresses wives, as well. If you need to flip a few pronouns around here and there, please do so. But they do a pretty good job of addressing both. Intimacy needs are important to address, whether they come from the husband or the wife.

BUT PLEASE, if you post anything on their comment line, please post it here, as well. We’d love for this topic to be discussed on both of our web sites so we can all benefit. Thanks!

Please Read:

Just Because He Stopped Asking, Doesn’t Mean He Stopped Wanting

The question was asked in the above article, “Can we work on our sex life?”

That’s a question that a lot of spouses have asked and will ask. The author of the next article, Chris, was asked that question quite a bit. But she says that she was the “refuser” in her marriage.

Here’s part of her testimony concerning sexual refusal from another angle:

“After 20 years of being a sexual gatekeeper and refuser, I am now learning to dance with desire. I’m learning to enjoy the full intimacy that comes with passionate and joyful sex with the husband God provided for me.”

In another article posted on her web site, The Forgiven Wife, she writes:

“My husband had his access to emotional and physical intimacy controlled by me for two decades. He has seen me change. I’ve atoned for my sin, in both thought and deed. My husband has forgiven me, and so has my God. Most of the time, I can even say I’ve forgiven myself. I thank God that my husband did not think I was beyond redemption. I mean that in the fullness of the definition, not just theologically.”

The following is a link to part of her testimony. You can read more on her web site, as well. (Again, we’re hoping that if you post a comment on her web site, you’ll post it here too. This way the topic can be openly discussed by husbands and wives who deal with the “refusal” issue.)

Please read:

Crawling Out of the Pit

Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.

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Filed under: Sexual Issues

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57 responses to “Sexual Refusal: He Stopped Asking But He Didn’t Stop Wanting

  1. I read the comments on the other website. As the person on the LD side, it was a HUGE relief when I stopped getting hounded all the time. I was at a point where I was scared to show any skin, walk around naked after my shower, go to bed or wake up after my husband because those were prime times for pressuring. I love hugs and cuddles but I do not enjoy having my sensitive areas grabbed.

    I’ve had low desire and discomfort during intimacy ever since I was pregnant with our 9 year old son. I’ve had hormone levels checked, physiology checked, spoken to a counselor. It’s all apparently in my head; nobody can find anything wrong with me and I’m just supposed to roll over and let my husband have his way because sex is such an important part of a marriage.

    I’m the one who has to compromise and he can’t possibly adjust his behavior and find other ways to be intimate with me besides ways that cause me pain and make me feel uncomfortable. He can find other ways to feel vulnerable than climaxing with me. So for now I’m going to enjoy my break from guilt trips, constant pressuring, and constant anxiety that I’ll have to once again ward off and reject my husband by telling him the things he is doing are things I do not like. I deserve to feel safe in my home.

    1. Way to make your husband feel like some sick sexual predator. I get that your desires are mismatched because my wife and I struggle with the same thing. But your comments come off as just selfish and kind of cruel. It seems that you couldn’t care less that this situation is causing him pain too. The constant rejection from the one you’re supposed to be so close to hurts more than you can imagine. Even though it likely wasn’t intentional, you’ve hurt your husband horribly.

      The Google search that led me to this page was “how do I kill my libido”. I’m so sick of the constant rejection. I show my love to my wife in so many different ways, not just physical. (I also participate in all the house chores and child raising so I’m equally burdened. I get time to play video games or whatever else maybe once every 2-3 months). I’ve tried having open conversations to tell her how it’s effecting me and it just causes a huge argument and she insists I shouldn’t stop asking her, but the next time I try I’m met with a cringe and a no (that stings more than you are capable of understanding) or a sigh and a reluctant yes, which then makes me feel like I’m nothing more than a chore and kills my desire to be intimate.

      The only time we ever have sex is when she initiates. Afterwards we are both happy with what happened, but it’s like she forgets that feeling by the time I ask a few days later.

      I get that you’re struggling with the situation too, but you really should reevaluate what you’ve said because it comes off as having no respect for your husband and that you don’t care about his needs or feelings. That’s not to say your needs and feeling don’t matter, but with what you’ve said it sounds like that’s the only thing that matters to you.

      1. After a while I just stopped asking. Months went by, and she seemed upset; I didn’t understand why. It’s like she just wanted me to ask so she could reject. She missed rejecting me.

        Then it was a year…. then it was two… then we were divorced.

        22 years later and I’m still so resentful at being the one who has to initiate that I don’t date or approach women.

        Why are men treated like this? I’m with the other poster. I just want to eliminate my sex drive so I can ignore women entirely for the rest of my life.

  2. My wife and I struggled with mismatch libidos for 20 years. We essentially had a sexless marriage for the first 10 years of it. Things are worse than a sexless marriage but far from what I would find acceptable. I’ve stopped asking for sex. I love my wife and I forgive her, but I don’t trust her. At this point I don’t think any amount or frequency of sex will regain the trust that has been lost over the course of our marriage. Is my marriage salvageable? Sure, but it would be a heck of a lot easier to start fresh with someone new.

  3. I am married almost 40 years with six grown children. I have to say that it was quite rare to not have sex when I asked. One of the things my wife told me is that when a husband or wife consistently refuses sex, that is cruelty. I must say that I am quite confused that either spouse would consider themselves justified in consistent refusal, in light of this scripture: 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 (NASB)

    Teaching on Marriage: 1 Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2 But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband. 3 The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

    If I have a duty to sexually satisfy my wife and she has the same duty, we are commanded to serve each other in sex. Both spouses have control of each others’ bodies when it comes to sex.

    The word deprive also means to defraud. Do not deprive or defraud your spouse of their needs when it comes to sex. How can God Almighty be any clearer? When my wife spoke to me of cruelty when a spouse is neglected sexually, we have talked about this issue and we both agree that it means that the refusing spouse is saying that I reject you. Not just sex. I do not find you attractive. I do not love you.

    Consistent refusal is sin. Consistent refusal is breaking your marriage vows. You are defrauding your spouse plain and simple. If you need counseling individually or as a couple, to work things out, get counseling with a Christian that wants to keep marriages together. I could never consistently reject my wife. I love her too much.

  4. I’ve been married to my wife for almost 10-years now. We recently started going to couples counseling. Counseling is helping us work through how we communicate, but it’s not helping our sex life. I don’t ask for sex every night. I’ve been told to stop asking because my wife feels pressure. She wants to have sex when it’s “natural”.

    What is natural? My wife is too tired to have sex other than a few days one week during the month when her hormones help her libido. Other than that sex is far and few between unless it’s a kidless vacation.

    I’m discouraged. I would never want her to have sex when she doesn’t want to, but I’m bothered by the fact that very little effort is made to have sex somewhat regularly and that doesn’t bother her. I’m not happy. I’ve stopped asking but not because I’ve stopped wanting. She probably feels somewhat relieved when I don’t ask as much but I don’t think she fully realizes the extent of the frustration I feel in our marriage because of our vastly different libidos. Am I wrong to feel the way I feel?

    1. HL, I am kinda going thru the same thing. Wife said I talked about sex too much, texts, but funny is that she initiated a some of it. She said a lot of hurtful things. We started living on other sides of the house. She said to back off and she will come to me when she is ready. So I have. Very little contact between us, minimal affection, occasional love ya’.

      None of this seems to affect her. As long as she has grandchildren close by & facebook she is happy. If I walked out she would probably be OK with it. We still have occasional sex; it’s like having sex with a hooker, no emotion.

      Some weeks are better, this one has been tough. Mainly my own hang-ups I guess. I wish she was truly concerned about our marriage; she does not talk about it. For a while I mentally distanced myself a little, expecting the worst. The further I get away it does not bother her much. Her parents had a loveless marriage. Then I will get back closer, some hugging, she will be OK, but then she will distance herself. I know this does not help you, but feels good to vent a little.

    2. Men are coming up with a new marriage contract as a way to deal with feminism. Part of that contract is that if a wife or girlfriend says no to sex more often than she says yes than the relationship is over. Notice I said ‘more than she says yes.” We get it ladies, there are reasons like health and periods that men need to be patient about.

      The bottom line women, is that your man’s happiness and satisfaction in life is DIRECTLY tied to his sex life. If you are unwilling to make him happy that shows that you don’t care about what is important to him. For him this means YOU DON’T CARE IF HE’S HAPPY.

  5. Nobody ever seems to have a similar experience to me. My ex and I had been trying to conceive for 2.4 years. We finally fell pregnant. But he started sleeping on the couch and watching porn. I tried to ask him why. I tried to talk to him about my needs. I tried to tell him we needed to be close now because later would be more difficult.

    In the last 4 years, we were intimate 4 times. He says it was more but no. He made every excuse in the book to not have sex with me. Or even sleep NEXT to me. I took it immensely personally because he knew and believed he couldn’t hurt me; he knew and believed that it wouldn’t hurt the baby and he agreed that the belly didn’t bother him.

    There was no affair, no fear, and no sex. I cried so often alone about this with him in the next room. We literally had the same sex drive. He just no longer wanted ME because I was pregnant with HIS baby. He wanted me plenty before. I never get to have answers on this.

    We later broke up and now he’s awkwardly hugging me, denying that he ever rejected me and says we’re best friends. I didn’t want a freaking friend out of this, I wanted a family and a husband who found me attractive enough to have sex more than once a year. This was probably the most painful thing I have ever gone through.

  6. My wife gives me pity sex once a week. When I try to ask for it outside of that, she says that she is not a sexual release for me and she is not a prostitute. When we have sex, she just lays there. No other positions allowed. Right before we start, she says “get it over with really, really, really quickly.” with a laugh, but she is also half-serious. She takes her clothes off like she’s at the dr’s office and there’s no desire for intimacy or foreplay.

    She’s 40 and looks stunning by the way, and there are no medical issues going on. Of course before marriage, she wanted it all the time. I think this is how women are wired – passionately give it to the man often and intensely until you secure him and can procreate. After that, there’s no need to keep up the charade, because you’re married and you have your kid(s), and now they are your biological priority. And I resent it. If I try to bring up the issue with her, she gets frustrated and says she will start having sex with me even less often if I keep nagging. Divorce is not an option because I love her and we have a child. But I resent the whole situation.

    Women have it so good, because the ball is always in their court. While you are with them, they can use sex as a powerful tool to punish and reward. If you leave them, they take your house, car, and all future paychecks and you’re living in an apartment and seeing your kids on weekends if you are lucky.

    1. Wow, my situation is a lot like O.G. I’m “allowed” once every 1-2 weeks (she decides when always) but with stipulations – In the closet on the floor because she doesn’t want to get the sheets dirty, she keeps her top half clothed (and puts on a sweater), only one position allowed (she turns around on her stomach).

      It’s so cold-hearted and she controls everything. It’s been like this for almost 10 years and I’ve wanted to cut it off all that time – but I always have some deranged hope things will get better. Before we had kids for 5 years so always acted like the far more aggressive one in terms of libido but as soon as she got pregnant with our first kid, everything changed. We didn’t have any sex at all for the 2 or so years around both my kids pregnancy and birth.