In the previous Marriage Insight, we touched on the point of making our marriages a high priority to make them work. It’s important to put the effort in to build it to be the best it can be. But there is something written in the devotional book, “Bible Readings for Couples,” to also consider, as it pertains to working our relationship. That’s because sometimes reworking your relationship is needed. It may require some type of marital reset.
The authors, Margaret and Erling Wold, refer to the scriptures written in Jeremiah 18:1-4. This is where Jeremiah was told by the Lord “to go down to the potter’s house.” He would then find a potter working at his wheel. And yet “the clay was spoiled in the potter’s hand.” He then “reworked it into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to do this.”
As we looked up those scriptures for ourselves, we then read further what is recorded in verses 5 and 6. It says:
“Then the word of the LORD came to me, ‘O house of Israel, can I not do with you as the Potter has done?“
Reworking Marriage
It occurred to us that this is what the Lord has done for our marriage many times. When rotten things came up that seem to spoil or taint our relationship, or we’ve done dumb/sinful things that turned our marriage in bad directions, God has been there to help us. But then it was up to us to lean into Him and do what He showed us to do.
In the devotional thoughts written by Margaret and Erling, they refer to God being the potter at His wheel. He is “always reshaping His relationship with us and His world” because of the changes we encounter. They write:
“Nothing is static in creation. We are different today than yesterday. Newspapers rework the headlines from the day before. And politicians seek issues to replace those the public responded to yesterday.
“…Pressures from our changing selves and our fickle culture alter the shape of our relationships. One day’s tiredness flattens them. The next day’s energy spins the wheel a little faster and perks it up. The clay of our marriage fits the contours of our moods.”
Needed: Reworking and Realigning
And as a result, things change and often go in a “spoiled” direction, even though God’s will for us doesn’t. Despite pressures and sin within the world and within us, His will for us is that we go to Him for a realignment. We are not to give up or go in a bad direction, but in His direction. He knows what will be best for us and those around us.
“The divine potter does not abandon the wheel because the clay spins out of shape. Nor does he throw the clay away because it collapses under His hands. Throwing it back on the rotating wheel, He molds it into another vessel.”
As a result:
“The wheel of marriage spins on and the shape of our relationship changes. Does the change frighten you? Will you abandon the clay because the vessel is becoming different from the original plan? Put your hands together on the wheel and discover the excitement of helping to develop the direction of your life together.”
Confession
We confess that most of the time neither one of us is in a state of “excitement” as things change in scary ways. But He is God, and we are not. And for that reason, He knows what we should do better than we do. There is an eternal perspective involved.
We thank God that He has helped us get through the good, the bad, the scary, as well as the exciting times, and ultimately, the outcome is good.
We see how God has helped each of us to be more patient, kind, loving, giving, and caring when it was the last thing either of us thought was needed at the time. But it has been and is important.
Sometimes we just didn’t know if we could make it, or that we would ever find our smile again. Each of us have even wondered if our love for one another could grow again. And yet God is amazing in the ways in which He brings good out of even the worst of times and situations. He has been our “very present help in a time of trouble.” And over-all, it’s been good, very, very good.
And the bonus is that He has helped us to love one another more than either of us ever thought possible on our wedding day.
Reworking with Hope
Here are a few more thoughts from a few marriage “experts” that we believe could help you as you navigate the changes that WILL come into your marriage. We hope they will inspire you to work and rework through the changes with hope that you can and will get through them. First:
• “It doesn’t matter if you’ve been married for 5 days, 5 years, 15 years, or 50, change in marriage is inevitable. Nothing stays static in this world. You change; your spouse changes, your children change, your job changes, your friends change, your circumstances and your family changes. Successful marriages are those that refuse to allow changes and circumstances to erode the common ground upon which the marriage grows and flourishes.” (Joey O’Connor)
• “People believe if they marry the person God intended, they’ll get the relationship they desire. They begin their marriage thinking their bond will remain strong from then on. The law of entropy (deterioration) says that won’t happen. Without the investment of new energy, any marriage will disintegrate. To prevent that, you need to adapt in some way—choose to change and do whatever you can to meet your mate’s needs.” (Ron R. Lee)
The problem is:
• “Sometimes we avoid change, thinking that the pain of correcting behavior is going to be so great that we settle for discomfort that we already know. So often, nothing changes until the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of changing. But don’t put off change if you’ve been making mistakes. It might be painful but preserving your marriage and taking it to a better place, is well worth the pain and effort!” (Jim Burns)
Please note, as you are reworking through the changes:
• “How you and your spouse respond, act, and react during a time of change can either bring you closer together, or drive you apart. That’s why it’s so important to navigate changes carefully, paying close attention to how your spouse is doing and how you are handling yourself, too. The goal of any married couple during a transitional period should be to cling to one another as you navigate this life season together.” (Drs Les & Leslie Parrott)
• “Responding poorly to change can add unnecessary stress to both you and your spouse during a transitional time. Not only can pessimism make an already heavy situation heavier—it can also create additional problems you might not have faced otherwise. During times of change, it’s important to try to look past the doom and gloom of pessimism to see the good possibilities the change could bring. If you’re not able to do that, it could place significant stress on your spouse and, as a result, your marriage as a whole.” (Drs Les & Leslie Parrott)
Lastly,
Here are a few tips that we hope will help:
• “Change yourself to change your marriage. Instead of trying to get your spouse to change (which can be a futile effort), ask the Holy Spirit to show you how you should change so your marriage will improve as a result. When you change your own attitudes and actions, the dynamic of your marriage can change, which can then inspire your spouse to make changes in his or her own life.” (Whitney Hopler)
• “Remember why your spouse fell in love with you and set out to amplify those traits within yourself. If he/she fell in love with those traits once, he/she can do it again. We have the power, with God’s grace, to transform our marriages. However, it takes a change of mind. Scriptures tell us to ‘Be transformed by the renewing of your mind.’ (Romans 12:2) That is what is needed in our marriages today.” (Dr David Hawkins)
To those of you who need it, I want to close with the simple prayer. It is inspired by the writings of Margaret and Erling. We pray this with all our hearts for you and for us:
“Heavenly potter, our Heavenly Father, please put Your hand over ours as we yield to You to mold our marriage in the way that You know is best, beyond anything we can do as simple human beings.”
May God bless you as you navigate through and past the changes you encounter in your married life together,
Cindy and Steve Wright
— ADDITIONALLY —
To help you even further, we give a lot of personal stories, humor, and more practical tips in our book, 7 ESSENTIALS to Grow Your Marriage. We hope you will pick up a copy for yourself. (It’s available both electronically and in print form.) Plus, it can make a great gift for someone else. It gives you the opportunity to help them grow their marriage. And who doesn’t need that? Just click on the linked title or the picture below:
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