Christian psychiatrist Paul D. Meier says there are “only three choices for a person who is involved in an unhappy marriage. (1) get a divorce —the greatest cop-out and by far the most immature choice; (2) tough out the marriage without working to improve it —another immature decision but not quite as irresponsible as divorce; and (3) maturely face up to personal hang-ups and choose to build an intimate marriage out of the existing one —the only really mature choice to make.” But if your spouse isn’t helping in your marriage, how is it possible to save your marriage alone?
In your case, the moment of truth has come. Your partner probably has already ruled out the second option and chosen the first without even considering the third. The question is, “What will you do?” Surrender to the pressures of the world’s way of thinking and the emotions of the moment? Or will you make a choice based on confidence in the eternal truths of Scripture?
Choices
The stakes are higher than one may realize at the time. One choice clearly leads to the bitterness and defeat of divorce as well as lost opportunities for blessing. “Divorce is more painful than death,” a woman told me. “The reason is because it’s never really over.”
Dr Meier says that when couples run away from their problems by divorcing and remarrying, “then there are four miserable people instead of just two…. Why spread misery?” he asks. “Bad marriages are contagious! Numerous psychiatric marriage partners get divorced. No matter how good their intentions may be they nearly always remarry into the very same type of neurotic relationship they had before.”
When you choose the pathway of irrevocable commitment to your mate and your marriage —regardless of how troubled your relationship may seem —you will find that choice leading you into a place of agape love and peace and personal growth. These are just some of the rewards, for the chances are very good that you will also be able to enjoy the blessings that God has wanted to bestow on your marriage from the beginning.
Meeting marriage problems in a biblical manner
I am not suggesting that the healing of a marriage is an easy process when one partner resists it. But are any easy choices open to you, after all? Torn relationships involve pain, whatever you do about them. As Peter points out in his first letter, it is far better to suffer (if suffer you must) for doing right, than for doing wrong. He makes it clear that God’s favor and blessing shine on the one who patiently suffers, if necessary, in order to do His will. Meeting your marriage problems in a biblical manner is productive rather than pointless, and whatever hurts your encounter will be less damaging than the long-term effects of divorce would be.
“The very word divorce should be cut out of the vocabulary of a couple when they marry,” said a woman with a restored marriage. “God’s way is so much better for anyone who is willing to give it a try.”
Another woman, considering the turbulent events of the past year that had driven her to grow emotionally and spiritually while she “loved her husband back” to their marriage, said, “It’s been all gain for me. I’m a different person now. The process was humbling, but it was worth it!”
A man said, “During the time when I was trying to win my wife’s love and hold our family together, sometimes I got so tired of rejection that I didn’t feel anything except a determination to do what the Bible said and leave the results with God. The only thing I was sure of was that somehow God would work it out for my good because He promised that in His Word. I never imagined the love affair He has actually given us. He really does do more than we can ask or think!”
Clarify your thoughts, stabilize your emotions, and learn
While these comments from the far side of the problem are encouraging, I understand that the feelings you may be experiencing right now are less than pleasant. Many others have been where you are now. They can empathize with what you are going through: shock, hurt, rejection, emotional confusion, temptation to bitterness. And of course, there are pressures from all sides that sometimes make you want to give up.
My heartfelt goal is to help you clarify your thoughts, and stabilize your emotions. Plus, it is to help you learn to behave in a consistent, purposeful way that will save your marriage and bring a new dimension of love into your relationship.
So, if you are willing to make a commitment to your marriage based on the eternal principles and promises of the Word of God, you can take heart and let hope grow in promises of the Word of God, you can take heart and let hope grow in proportion to your commitment. Contrary to what the world believes, one person can save a marriage. In fact, most of the people I counsel belong in this category. Even when both come to see me, one is usually dragging the other along, in a manner of speaking, and only one really cares about the outcome in most cases.
Are you feeling all is without hope?
Marriage counselor Anne Kristin Carroll says, “If you think there’s no hope because you are the only one in your relationship who cares enough to try to save your marriage, you are wrong!” She adds, “In my experience most torn marriages are brought to new life by the efforts of only one party.” This has also been my experience. I have seen numerous marriages saved when only one partner applied biblical principles in a whole hearted commitment to the mate and the marriage.
Some marriages have not been saved. Usually this is because the individual is convinced that nothing will change the partner, and he or she simply gives up.
Occasionally, the partner desiring a divorce has developed a strong emotional attachment to another person. This infatuation often ends while the divorce is being delayed. Eventually the unfaithful partner thanks the committed mate for standing fast and preserving the marriage.
In a relatively few cases, one partner develops bitterness toward the other. He or she is actually encouraged to feel this hostility by parents and sometimes, church members. That causes the efforts at reconciliation to be unavailing.
But in the majority of cases, the outcome depends upon the committed partner’s ability to behave consistently in accord with biblical principles. So, in a very literal sense, it is all up to you. You need not expect your partner to do anything constructive about the marriage if he or she wants out.
Clarifying Your Thoughts
When the Bible says, “Gird up the loins of your mind“ (1 Peter 1:13), it means to get your mental powers in a state of alertness for proper action. You must do this without delay. Often the Lord will provide the opportunity for some uninterrupted Bible study and prayerful consideration of God’s plan for your situation. You may also learn some important things about yourself during this time.
When one husband moved out, his parents lovingly helped the wife by keeping the children several weeks. This gave her the opportunity to be better prepared mentally and spiritually for the challenges ahead.
Scriptures Needed
One young wife was ready to dissolve her marriage until a friend in her garden club led her to the Lord. “I only knew two Scriptures at the beginning,” the wife said. “But they were exactly what I needed. ‘God is not a man, that he should lie‘ (Numbers 23:19) and ‘With God nothing shall be impossible‘ (Luke 1:37).
“With those truths as a foundation I began to study the Bible, desperately trying to dig out God’s purpose for marriage and all that He had to say about it. I saw that if I were to obey Him, then I would have to become committed to my marriage and my husband. That’s true even though he was involved with another woman and we were on the verge of divorce.
“Coming to this decision didn’t make things any easier emotionally at first. But what it did was show me a clear path of action. The situation actually became less complicated because there was no more confusion about what to do! I refused to sign the divorce papers. I had gathered evidence identifying the other woman and proving my husband’s unfaithfulness. Destroying it all was important because I didn’t need it anymore.”
Teaching right and wrong
A University of Chicago professor described this generation’s dilemma with the now familiar quotation. “We lack the language to teach what is right and wrong.” But Bible-believing Christian caught in an emotionally fraught situation do not have that problem. The language of God concerning divorce is plain enough for any reader. For example:
For the Lord, the God of Israel says: I hate divorce and marital separation, and him who covers his garment [his wife] with violence. Therefore keep a watch upon your spirit [that it may be controlled by My Spirit], that you deal not treacherously and faithlessly [with your marriage mate] (Malachi 2:16 AMP).
He replied, ‘Have you never read that He Who made them from the beginning made them male and female’. And said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be united firmly (joined inseparably) to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder’ (separate) (Matthew 19:4-6 AMP).
Clarity
As you try to gain clarity of thought concerning your marital situation viewed in light of the teaching of Scripture, I suggest that you read the first five chapters of the book, Love Life for Every Married Couple. Search the Scriptures that have to do with marriage. The following is the eternal principle that undergirds the biblical counsel we offer. It is God’s will for every married couple to love each other with an absorbing spiritual, emotional, and physical attraction. It is one that should grow throughout their lifetime together.
The picture of Christ and His church
It should be crystal clear that God intends for you and your mate to picture the love-bond of Christ and His church. You must beware of substitutes who sometimes find their way into the vacuum of a troubled relationship. Obviously, infidelity and divorce are paths that move away from God’s plan and blessing. But when you pour yourself into restoring love to your marriage, the force of His will is at work with you.
It is important to fill your mind with positive biblical input. I’m talking of biblical counseling, preaching, and teaching. You also need good books, Bible-study resources; and friends who will affirm you in your commitment to your marriage. You need to take in truth from those who are as committed to the permanence of marriage as the Bible is. And don’t listen to anyone else! Develop tunnel vision in this area as Proverbs 4:25-27 commands:
Let your eyes look directly ahead, and let your gaze be fixed straight in front of you. Watch the path of your feet, and all your ways will be established. Do not turn to the right nor to the left; turn your foot from evil (NASB).
You need to maintain this total mental commitment to the truth. If you aren’t committed to honoring God’s truth you will be swamped by waves of human opinion and bad advice. Sometimes they come from seemingly religious people.
Bad advice
One young man came to me confused. He had been told to do nothing to win back his wife. He had been told to instead concentrate on his vertical relationship with God. I said to him, “This is true, but you can please God only when you are doing what the Bible says you are to do. You must be right in line with God’s Word. We have no other direction for this life. When we are in total accord with the Word, then we can relax and God has the freedom to work with us. He always works with us on the basis of the information that we have from His Word. So the more you know of the Word of God concerning marriage and His abhorrence of divorce, the more equipped you will be to let God do His full work in your life.”
“I had to take a stand on this matter of outside influence,” a wife told me. “Everyone has been anxious to give me advice about my marriage. I refuse to discuss it with people who hold an unbiblical viewpoint, or people who try to turn me against my husband. Also, I won’t discuss it with people who make me feel sorry for myself and encourage weakness in me. I can’t afford to be around worldly friends anymore. They tear me down, and tear my husband down. They are so misguided, even if they mean well. I want to be with people who will stand with me and support me when I might falter.”
A settled mind brings clarification
Your thoughts are clarified when your mind is settled. When your commitment made, you will find that you no longer lie at the mercy of outside events. You also no longer react to every new circumstance with fresh pain and bewilderment. Instead, your viewpoint becomes, “This is what I am going to do, no matter what, because it is God’s way to do it. I can count on His wisdom, and I can trust Him with the results of actions based on His Word.”
One woman told me, “I’m not standing by my marriage anymore on the basis of what the outcome will be.” “People urge me to dump my husband, and to give up on him because he’s made my life miserable. They tell me I deserve someone better, that I wouldn’t have any trouble finding someone else to love me.
Work to Save Your Marriage Alone
My answer is that marriage is sacred; marriage is permanent; I am committed by my marriage vows; I am one flesh with my husband; and then I really shock them! I tell them that even if there is no happy ending for our marriage, I will not regret the stand I have taken. This is the right decision and I followed the only course possible for me. I will have done all that I could.
“But my trust is not in what I am doing,” she added. “It is in God and His Word. He has a perfect, loving plan for my life, and He’s wise enough and powerful enough to carry it out, if I cooperate by following His counsel. So I’m going to keep on obeying Him in my marriage and I’ll leave the results with Him. I am at peace with that.”
[Marriage Missions editors’ note:
The authors, Dr Ed Wheat and Gloria Okes Perkins go on from this point to include a lot more advice. For many different reasons, including honoring their copyright privileges, we need to shorten this article. Plus we think you need to obtain the book yourself because of the additional advice you’ll benefit from reading. But we do want to end this article with some practical advice.]
Counsel that gave courage
A happy wife wrote me a note of thanks for my counsel. She said it gave her the courage to stick with her marriage. She said, “One little thing you said to me meant so much. You said, ‘So what if your husband doesn’t tell you he loves you right now!” I knew you were right. I really wasn’t that important.“ She found that putting up with rejection was worth it in the long run in order to have a revitalized marriage.
I have talked with many women who tell me that when they do not feel their husband’s love, the Lord has a way of loving them that is almost tangible. “Like being in the sunshine, just feeling the warmth of His love,” several wives agreed.
A young wife carried that a step further in her own trying situation. She said that it was often difficult to go out with her husband. She knew that he would not treat her the way she longed to be treated. So she developed the habit of thinking of the Lord Jesus as her friend and escort of the evening. “It helped me tremendously,“ she said. “I behaved my best for Him, and was constantly aware of His steadying presence with me!”
In summary:
You need to give love to your mate biblically, emotionally, and physically whether you receive a response or not. This is altogether possible through agape love. One wife, whose husband was involved with another woman, said, “I tried to show him that my love for him did not depend on how he treated me. I still showed him physical affection. I sent him cards with appropriate messages that expressed my caring while we were apart. And, do you know, when we reconciled, I found that he had saved every one of them!”
I talked to some wives who had experienced saving their marriages. I asked them to give their list of do’s and don’ts for a wife trying to save her marriage.
Here are their suggestions:
• There can be no growth in your relationship if there is doubt as to your commitment to your marriage. Make your commitment!
– Trust the Lord to meet your emotional needs. He won’t let you down!
• Live one day at a time.
– Don’t try to do it on your own. The Lord is with you!
• Never turn your children against their father. Forgive!
– Don’t ask family or friends to take sides against your spouse.
• Don’t discuss your intimate marriage problems. Don’t give fuel to gossip. Confide in the Lord, your counselor, and perhaps a close Christian friend whom you can trust.
– Choose your biblical counselor wisely. Never discuss your problems with a friend of the opposite sex.
• Spend as much time in the Word of God as possible.
– Also –
– Concentrate on redeeming the mistakes you made. Ask God to show you how to change, rather than concentrating on your partner’s failures.
• Do all in your power to delay or prevent divorce. If you consult a lawyer, make it clear to the lawyer that it’s only for your financial protection and for your children. Find a Christian lawyer who will help you preserve your marriage.
– Spend your time with people who will encourage you in spiritual growth.
• Do not overcompensate with your children. They need your love and stability; but they still need discipline. It will be hard to build a new love relationship with your husband if the children are out of control.
– Don’t expect your spouse to change overnight.
• Hope all things, believe all things, and endure all things.
This article comes from the book Love Life for Every Married Couple
Filed under: Save My Marriage
What can a man do when his wife is wanting out?
I’m trying to save my marriage alone. My husband is not living in our home. We met with a psychologist and was told he is very depressed; he’s just saying things to hurt me. I just pray because I “know” this person is not my husband – my husband is kind.
Hi, we’re both in the same situation right now. My husband was so mean and very strange now a days. He was very depressed because of his business. He hates me. All the time he has wanted a divorce but I really love him and we have two kids. I don’t know what to do right now. We’ve been sleeping separately for almost a year now. He keeps on yelling at me. I love him but it hurts so bad. He even told me to find another man. Please help me.
Candy Sue, How sad I am for what you are going through and what your children are witnessing… so very, very sad and hurtful. When you marry, you never expect to be in this kind of a place in your relationship. My heart cries with you.
As far as helping you, the best we can offer is our prayers, which I will be praying for you, and also the advice offered within this article and others posted on this web site that you can prayerfully glean through and apply what you feel led to use. Also, there is a ministry called Rejoice Ministries that helps spouses to stand strong in prayer. We have something posted from that ministry, which you may find helpful. You can find it at: https://marriagemissions.com/i-am-standing-for-the-healing-of-my-marriage/. Also, there is a link below the poem to their ministry that you may want to go to and find out other ways they may be able to encourage and help you. I pray the Lord ministers to you and to your situation. “May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5)
“And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ —to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)
My husband left me 3 yrs to live with another woman. My in laws are happy with that. My son of 17 went last month to stay with them. I’m living with my 14 yr old son. I’m married 19 yrs. I tried in every way to save my marriage. My husband got a protection order and my in laws don’t want to have a contact with me. I’m praying and fasting. Everyone is against me. I don’t know what more can I do. It’s killing me. I can’t do anything but just wait on God. But it’s getting worse. I love God and trust Him. I’m just not sure about my marriage.
I can feel with you so much. I am going through the same pain. After 20 years of marriage my husband left me and is emotionally attached to another woman. It’s really devasting. Please dont ever give up and pray! I will also pray for you! Stand strong and may the Lord give you peace in your heart.
My advise to you is to love yourself and to work on spiritual peace. Work on your happiness first and then everything will fall into place. You will be able to see everything more clear.
You act as if the other partner is *going* to change if the “changing” partner just keeps up long enough. Bull! I watched my parents thorough this cycle. My mother, God bless her, did everything in her power. My dad never did change. Oh he “mellowed” a bit, but he was *never* a good husband.
I made the terrible mistake of marrying somebody who is too much like my dad was. Somehow I thought we could work through problems, and she would change (to be fair, she does not have as much damage as he did and is not nearly as bad). But bottom line is I don’t believe she will ever change in the fundamental ways required for us to have a really happy marriage.
So, frankly, choice #2 is sometimes just the way it is. Accept your lousy partner for who they are, do the best you can to deal with your own hangups, then just accept the situation — knowing that divorce is ultimately worse than just grinning and bearing a mediocre marriage experience (obviously I’m not talking about situations with abuse or unfaithfulness here, which is not a “grin and bear it” type of relationship!)
Am I bitter? Yes, a bit. I’ve done all of the “just be a good husband and your wife will blossom” things. All I get is a weed. But my real bitterness is counselors like you who won’t admit the reality that often a single partner has not way of “fixing” the marriage on their own. Help broken marriages — Yes! But speak truth as well to those of us who have partners who will never change. Then give us some decent counsel on how to DEAL with the lousy marriage instead of painting a bunch of daisy fields for us.
PS — I need to add that I do believe God can change situations. I really do! But I also must recognize the fact that he does not force a partner to change. All I can do is allow myself to be as mold-able as possible (I’m sure I’m not alone when I say I recognize I need a LOT of work to that point!!!).
Sadly, a partner has the choice to let God work or to block him and harden his/her heart.
I suppose though that I must, must acknowledge there is always hope even when the marriage feels hopeless. God will keep working to change and create a union that glorifies Him. But still, a partner might continue to resist until their dying day. So again, leading to sometimes option 2 is exactly where a few of us end up. Hopefully a very few.
I’m in the same situation, Peter. For 6 years I’ve done everything in my power to help my husband overcome the twisted legacy of his parents. Every time I think he’s changed, he falls right back into pattern of being angry, blaming me for all his/our problems, being mean and insulting, refusing to parent or do chores around the house, and having problems at work (that have resulted in him getting fired twice). I am worn out. I no longer feel affection toward him, despite praying for God to help me. I no longer respect him. I act affectionate, hoping to keep some small ember kindled, and I treat him with respect, despite him doing little to earn it, but that hasn’t changed him.
It just makes him feel like what he’s doing is okay. I’m committed to my vows, but that doesn’t mean God is going to change my husband. He CAN, most certainly, but there are no guarantees that He will. Being kind, compassionate, working tirelessly, and pouring out his love in no way made everyone love Jesus, so I need to accept that perhaps this is my cross and I need to learn how to bear it in a way that honors God, but also that honors myself as God’s creation.
Grace, I sure love your heart. How I wish a good heart would always produce the results we think they should… and they actually should. But sadly, your husband is caught up in a cycle of negative imprinting from his past and is obviously having a difficult time escaping it. I’m not sure he will be able to gain victory or not… it may be short sprints to victory or a sudden one –again, I’m not sure. But I want you to know that I love your heart and your commitment. I can also see that you are learning some things that you would not learn any other way. You are obviously (at least to those of us on the outside) growing. I pray God uses that in many different ways to help not only your husband, but you, your family, and others.
I’m not sure if this will help or not, but there’s a book I highly recommend for you to read that could perhaps give you insight into your husband’s “love style” and what you can do about it. It’s a book written by Milan and Kay Yerkovich titled, How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage
. It’s published by Water Brook. The authors of this book “draw on the tool of an attachment theory to show how your early life experiences created an ‘intimacy imprint’ —an underlying blueprint that shapes your behavior, beliefs, and expectations of all relationships, especially your marriage. They identify four types of injured imprints that combine in marriage to trap couples in a repetitive dance of pain. The principles and solution-focused tools in this book will equip you to… –identify the imprints disrupting your marriage –understand how your love style impacts your mate –break free of negative patterns that hinder your relationship –enhance your sexual intimacy, and –create a deeper, richer marriage.” I heard the Yerkovich’s talk about this subject several times and could see how it could absolutely change the lives of couples in positive ways as they better understood each other’s communication styles. It’s truly an enlightening book –revealing things I’d never realized before. I’m thinking it would do the same for you.
And here’s another book I believe you may find helpful. It has helped a LOT of women who are living in tough marital situations. It gives hope that optimism and standing firm in your commitment isn’t for fools. It’s titled, Because I Said Forever: Embracing Hope in an Imperfect Marriage and is written by a couple of authors I’ve found to be very wise — Deb Kalmbach and Heather Kopp. If you go to the link I provided here, you will see reviews on the book (and can even purchase it, or both books there). I think it could encourage you as you prayerfully read this book and the other.
I pray the Holy Spirit will guide and encourage you, Grace. I understand all too well what it is to feel discouraged —feeling like your efforts are going no where. But hang in there. Keep praying and doing what you believe God would have you. One of these days, just like I found with my mom, your children will grow up and appreciate the efforts you put forth. You may not think they notice… kids are good that way of not appearing like they do, but as they mature, they look back and see the straighter scoop on the whole story. My mom faithfully worked with my dad. I see that now and I SURE appreciate her efforts. And of course, God notices and appreciates you as you work through the tough stuff. I pray God gives you strength,insight, and discernment, and infuses hope into your heart that you will eventually experience better days –ones that will bring a smile to your heart. :)
Please pray for me, my spouse he has given up loving. Now he refuses to get married. When I ask him he told me that I’m not that person which he has been looking for; he feels like he is trapped in this relationship and he doesn’t want to work our problems out or rebuild this relationship. He used to love me so much but now he has changed all of a sudden. Now he doesn’t care about me or love me since April. I’ve cried day and night for him so at least he can see and feel how much it hurts me. I feel like a living death. I don’t feel like eating or going to work. I love him so much. I don’t want to lose him. I’ve put all my faith in God to heal and fix his heart “from a heart of stone to a heart of flesh.”
Please suggest what I should do to win back his heart since I don’t have any one to give me counseling. Thank you.
My advise to you is to not cry to make him see how much he is hurting you. By doing this you are probably hurting him more, pushing him away even more. Stay strong.
My wife gave me the infamous I love you but I don’t think I’m in love with you anymore speech and I am devastated. Ours is a young marriage only 4 years and 5 together. From the get go our marriage has been strained. I suffer from what I recently had diagnosed as PTSD and severe depression as a result of childhood trauma and previous relationship infidelity and abuse. I met the mother of my two children when I was fifteen after I was removed from my grandmother/mothers house because she was no longer physically able to care for me as she had been dying for the entirety of my childhood. This broke me as she was my one and only; she was my life, my mother and best friend. My family aside from her has always treated me with contempt and behaved cold and treated me like a burden because of the drug addict that my father has always and will always be. Too many things to mention here. But I will mention that child sexual abuse was something I had dealt with briefly unbeknownst to my mother and have held that my whole life up until I met my wife.
Anyways I met my kids mom and she was a tortured soul addicted to drugs and with a childhood that is too wretched to even describe. I felt for her and we leaned on each other for comfort and eventually fell for each other which was the beginning of a long road of pain and heartache and regret that has shaped me into who I aim to change today. In short, this woman could not remain faithful to me no matter how many times I gave her another chance and took her back out of love and for our sons’ sake, born when I was 16. I became distrusting and jealous and angry to say the least but couldn’t let go of her and what I wanted to make my family. Soon the anger and bottled up sadness of months and years of emotional neglect infidelity and verbal abuse turned to the worst possible conclusion I snapped I became violent with her – loud aggressive and physical, it was like my mind switched to defense mode permanently and I became someone I hate and despise. We’d separate and get back and on and on it would get better then worse and she would continue her viscous cycle and so would I.
We tried to save it with our daughter and that only limped it on for about a year and we separated for good and she immediately got married and took my children away which I must clarify that I have always had the closest relationship with my kids especially my son whom in many ways saved my life because before he was born I had almost given up and had contemplated suicide sincerely on a continuing basis so this completely wrecked me for my kids are my life it’s the only thing I’ve ever been good at.
Fast forward through a year of robbing me for money and using my kids as leverage and almost costing me my job on numerous occasions and stringing me along with the belief that we could change and be together. Now I want to state that the physical abuse had ceased for several months before we split for good but the damage was done and I can never forgive myself for it. I struggled but I tried to make it on my own with my babies gone until she needed something using them as a bargaining chip and then the unthinkable happened my mother passed away…my only source of strength to keep me going through all of this nightmare. The only one to never turn her back on me regardless of my failings… i.e. leaving school to work two jobs to support our son when she refused to work do to ppd so add highschool dropout to the mix of failures and she never turned on me. I was distraught and my life seemed over yet again. I’m only 29 and was only 23/24 at this point too soon to lose your mother, followed by the loss of my friends’ mom whom was like another mom to me when I had lost mine.
Anyways I needed my kids and she refused to let me see them. This went on until she could not handle them and wanted me to leave my job and move to her city to be there for the kids as if I wasn’t already. Prior to leaving she introduced me to a friend of hers whom ironically became my wife after we hit it off more than words could describe she was everything I wanted, everything I desired she is so beautiful, so smart, so strong and such a good mother we have two beautiful girls from her previous marriage whom are no different to me than my own, but I get ahead of myself…I ended up moving in with her because we were just so in love it was crazy she is my soulmate and felt the same then of me. At first everything was amazing and everything was beautiful; we laughed we became closer than anyone I have ever known… truly best of friends. But this did not last all the time after a certain point. My exes continuing actions began to wear on my wife and she and I would begin to fight about the kids and why I let her do all those things for all these years and get away with it all. She was aware of my violent past with her and trusted me not to be this way again and I honestly trusted myself because I love her more than life itself. Her and I would argue and when I would try to explain that I was scared of losing them further and I was scared of losing everything trying to battle her and never get my babies and then they wouldn’t even have a chance to have me.
Add to the stress that she never fully believed that I was over my ex because of this and no matter how much I’d try to make her understand otherwise it was to no avail. On again and off again with her. My wife had come from a 14 year marriage of neglect with a man she didn’t love and ended up trapped because of the kids so naturally she needs to feel loved every second more so than most. And in my frustration with the fight for my kids and us not remaining connected I lost it I started to yell when We’d argue which scared her and this went on for a year until we had to move into my families home because of finances and lack of job opportunities in her town after my ex left again with my kids. So we moved and this was the worst thing to happen. My family as I’ve said has always been cruel and unloving in thier own way towards me and she wouldn’t stand for this; my angel in shining armor would battle them and I would have to talk her down for fear of being kicked out before we managed to get things arranged to move out and get our girls back from their narcissistic father whom refused to take care of them. Bringing them to my families wasn’t an option. So naturally and rightfully she felt unpacked and betrayed by me for this and that lead to more fights more anger and then love, anger and then love until it burst before we were married and I had pushed her for backing me into a corner and belittling me – no excuse for my actions. The name calling began on both sides and it just spiralled out of control. We worked jobs you’d never want to work for no money.
Everything would go to crud and then it would be beautiful we have always had this connection that brings us back to our lives and happiness but it just wouldn’t last. We finally moved out after getting my hands old job back with her and get our girls. Mind you our youngest is autistic which can be quite a lot to deal with in the best of times. But she’s my little unique one and I wouldn’t have it any other way. We did really well for a while; it was back to the beginning almost although my kids were never here and I was and am paying over a grand a month in support which stressed situations obviously. Not to mention I become someone else when they are gone because they make me whole and I’m broken without them. Then because of the manipulation from both my ex and hers and the stress of never having alone time, like never at all, because of having no lifelines out here and it being work and kids, work and kids, on top of a car accident has wrecked our finances to a point we began to truly fall apart. We fight 4 out of 7 days and it escalated to threats to leave by me because to run had become my natural instinct because of people all my life leaving. Always empty as I cannot and do not want to live without her. The nastiest things in the world where said to one another over and over again and then we would limp along and sometimes even flourish as lovers again but again never lasts… then it started happening …. we would work every day to make ends meet and I would walk the 3 and a half miles to and from work every day so that she could use the car on her shift I’d never want her to suffer. We work opposite shifts I work nights she works days. So the caring for the kids mainly falls on my shoulders which I’m fine with because they are my angels but this became overwhelming at times as she would go out with friends and not come home after work more days then not and I had no life and missed her tremendously.
I was obviously a jealous person and I became accusatory and untrusting because this was all too familiar to me. I tried to separate the two relationships but couldn’t and it made things worse. The name calling resurfaced on both ends and then when I thought I had defeated this demon I started lashing out when We’d fight breaking things at times and grabbing her or getting into her face pushing her and being pushed slapped and we both just became violent with each other. Tried to keep it from the kids but of course didn’t and they have seen more than any child should and I just can’t bear it. But all the same We’d go back to being so loving and close. Until she out of nowhere started to be gone 80% of the time including work. I wouldn’t get msgs; I wouldn’t get calls or answers to mine like normal. I was alone in my marriage raising our daughters. This started to slow down right before I found out the truth but not from her, from my best friend that they had slept together. I was crushed more than I had ever been. When confronted she initially denied it but finally admitted it and let me tell you I as shocked…I had never seen such remorse… she came home to me everyday and loved and adored and doted on me like never before doing things I had always done like giving me baths when I would give her baths. Returning the pampering that she was always so fond of me doing for her(has always said I treated her like a princess when I wasn’t angry or sad or abusive) but it was like nothing I had ever seen or been treated like and let me say I deserved none of it not one bit.
I said I forgave her, but subconsciously I began to punish her for it because I couldn’t get over how badly I was hurt by this it tore me apart further than I had ever been before. Unbeknownst to her when I tried to leave because of it initially I almost ended myself but a close friend and the thought of my kids pain of it stopped me. I gave her a chance but really never did. Fights got worse and worse. She lost her job due to being assaulted by a crazed female coworker and felt that I had abandoned her when my mind shifted to family mode and making sure I made us ok. I worked every day sometimes double for over 6 months and in hindsight, yeah I abandoned her by not being her shoulder to cry on although I really wanted to be; just didn’t know how with all the work and struggles. But things got better and we were starting to spend time together between my shifts and trying to work us out and then she got her job back.
And the nightmare began again. Never time for eachother. Battling with kids work depression betrayal and abandonment. She again distanced herself from me and we just fell apart slowly. I must mention although didn’t want to that for some reason we have not been able to pin down as I have numerous medical issues. I have suffered from ED for the majority of my adult life. And this creates insecurities without question and hopelessness for both of us as we are, or at least I still am and always have been immeasurably attracted to my wife. She thinks otherwise but knows I have always been faithful. But I feel her pain and would do anything to stop it but cannot find the route to the issue down there or how to fix it I’ve tried several options. This has been a heavy stressor on our marriage from the get go. Although intimacy with her on both ends is electrifying when it works but cannot always make it happen. Anyways so finally out of nowhere my ex decides she is tired of raising my son whom is 12 and lashing out because he wants tobe with me and my wife and is starting to see his mothers manipulation.. he now lives with me for at least this year while his mother still refuses to come off the support for him so court is now the only option. This has been bro stressful and wonderful of course. But out of nowhere my wife tells me she doesn’t think she is in love with me anymore but loves me. I was devastated.
But with that said I will quit with the life story and get to the point. The last time I lost my temper grabbed her face for threatening to have another affair and I don’t know if it was God who finally laid his hand on me or what happened (as I’ve always wanted to be free of my anger and sadness and regret and abusive tendencies but was too afraid to face it and find help alone) but I just snapped I broke down crying for two days begging her to forgive me for all that I have done because she was and is the single most important thing in this world to me and I never showed it and destroyed her heart in the wreckage of my mental tornado. And I meant every word of it. I’ve said sorry and I won’t do it again and I’ll get help before and tried to fix myself without success but something happened in me then that broke me that opened me up. I began to tell my friends the truth of my anger and behavior and would get very upset when some of them defended for it. There is no excuse to lay your hands on someone you love ever no matter the circumstances period!!!! I began to take the medicine that our marriage counselor had my doctor prescribe for my diagnosed PTSD and manic depression with bipolar tendencies and things changed for me (pills made me sick at first so I quit them after I was prescribed them months before the seeming enlightenment, if you will but now have fought through that and no longer feel ill taking them). I am so much less angry now and have chosen to let my past go because I cannot live another day in my life that way and no longer want to hurt anyone and want to be the father and man I would want my kids to have and the husband my wife deserved all along amd that my daughter’s would be proud of. I have contacted many I’ve hurt to apologize even my ex. I have contacted therapy and want to begin on my own asap as she doesn’t currently want to try marriage counseling again, thinks it’s pointless as it did not get us anywhere the first time.
I love my wife so much and cannot explain my regret and remorse for what I have done to her. She has made many mistakes and so have I but truly is my soulmate and truly is my best friend in this life and I cannot live without her. I respect her anger and her pain and if I lose her I will let her go to be happy and find herself because of what I’ve done and pray to God he will fix her heart for her and take her pain away and not for me for her. She is so indecisive and indifferent now. One minute she loves me enough to hug and kiss me say I love you and spend time although sex understandably seems fsr from her concern at this point and my ED is definitely struggling from sadness and stress and anxiety right now which doesnt help matters. She doesn’t call much she doesnt txt much or respond much to either. She it critical of most of anything I do. She says she wants to see if it’s still there for us because she doesnt think it’s completely dead yet but really makes no attempt to work at it and becomes angry when I am sad about it which I try not to be but I just feel so bad for what ive done and want so badly to mend and cherish her heart that I’ve broken. She kisses me and hugs me but with no passion. She loses her patience with my two children and me easily. She says hurtful things to me and reminds me daily of her weight loss and attention she’s getting for it at work by other men and that’s all when she ever comes home. But she says there is hope and that she thinks maybe she’s just so hurt and angry. She won’t stop spending our money so that can afford to get into therapy( an issue we’ve never had as we have always worked togeyher with the money). She’s got friends who dont know the whole story who tell her to leave me of course and I agree with them for what I’ve done. She wants me to promise if we do split that I won’t leave immediately that we should work together to be there for the kids even though I believe this will confuse them. I would leave her with everything I wouldn’t take a thing bit the clothes on my back the ring on my finger and the tattoo of her name on my neck. But she has no lifeline out here as I don’t.. I am starting to think I’m being kept around out of convenience to help with the girls right now whom I’m ever connected to and can’t bare to lose. And I feel that maybe there is already another even though she promised that wouldn’t ever happen again. But I think she has checked out and sees it as she’s done so its not cheating. But I don’t fight her I leave it be because shes too important to be angry anymore. And I just don’t have those urges to be angry anymore. Anyways I want to say that I understand what I look like …… a monster and I don’t deny I was. But I want to change and have made real progress and she even says she sees it but is scared that it’s not real and it’s only because I’m scared to lose her and she is for once wrong but I feel her pain and respect that fear and know that I don’t deserve her trust but truly mean it when I say enough is finally enough within me. I pray to the good Lord to plz give me another chance at love wit this angel because she truly is my life and my everything my heart and my soul and the reason for me wanting to become the best man I can be. And I pray that if I lose her that God will give me the strenght to carry on at least for my kids because at this point I feel like ending it I cannot literally cannot see a life of any meaning without her in it. We’ve come so far and been through so much and accomplished many things and list many things together and I’d give everything I have for the rest of my life I’d live in a cardboard box if she was by my side without question. I just want to mend her heart oh lord to undo what I’ve done or at least give her now what she deserves and always has. She is my everything and I am falling apart without her and she hasn’t even left yet.
Thank-you for reading and I hope if anyone can share with me thier stories if any of my life rings true to yours and if you made it out of your nightmare plz help me to try and win her heart back if it’s even possible. I know I seem like a monster I know many may say once an abuser always one and I believed that once.. but only God knows and I know he can see in my heart the difference I just hope his plan isn’t that it’s too late for us.
Good wishes to everyone and your happiness all of you is in my prayers plz pray for us and our family.
Sorry everyone for the book I just wrote you lol I just kinda opened up not sure why but it came out and wouldn’t stop. There’s so much more than I can possibly type but it’s there as best as I can describe it.
I don’t know if you will read this or not, but boy, I feel your deep pain. As I was reading, I was thinking about the very long emails I used to write, pouring my heart out about my marriage. I “stood for” my marriage for a long time, used to follow Rejoice Marriage Ministries faithfully, and prayed and prayed and submitted myself and filled my life with Scriptures and tried, and tried, and tried, to earn my husband’s fidelity and commitment. Eventually, I had to face reality, seeing him constantly lying and betraying me, and realize that I was teaching my children that this is how men treat women. Our son watched his dad and our daughters watched their dad, and they all watched their miserable mom, too. They saw a horrible model of marriage. Was this good? NO. Because they all have pretty significant issues in relationships now that they are adults. The girls, I see, are too willing to accept being treated like they do not matter at all. My son has never had a girlfriend; he is afraid of what it means to be a man.
Does this mean that marriages are never saved? No, because obviously some are. But I think it is a tremendous disservice to convince ourselves that the Lord is going to heal every marriage where one person devoutly stands. It just is not true.
Sometimes divorce is the best option–even when it is a terrible option. It solves some problems and it creates others. Sometimes, it is a matter of which problems are more dangerous and destructive. In my case, after 25 years of marriage–to the day–I can tell you that the damage done by staying in a very bad (verbally abusive and emotionally neglectful) marriage is far worse than what giving my children a healthy example of self respect would have taught them. Boundaries are important–even for Christians.
I am not advocating divorce, neither am I saying that marriage healing is impossible. But sometimes it is the only decision to make, and let me tell you, filing for divorce–and going through with it–was the hardest thing I ever did in my life. I did not think I would survive it. But I did. May God give you grace for the journey, whatever it be.
I just found this article, my wife (23) (I’m 25) declared she wanted to divorce three weeks ago, and is dead set on it. I haven’t been a great husband, even a good husband, but I do love her very much. We have two beautiful boys together and have been together for ten, married for five. I have been home alone with them for ten months while she joined the army and did training. She has already started another relationship and tells me she could never see us together again, but I refuse to give up.
I have never been close to God, I’m working on changing that. I made him, myself and my wife a promise the day we got married. I find my new found faith in him wavering at times, and my faith in myself wavering, but I am holding it together. She agreed to marriage counseling, though she says “it doesn’t mean we’re getting back together”. I love her with all my heart and am working on becoming better to make up for my many past mistakes. This article has helped tremendously in strengthening my resolve and to keep up hope for this. I will fight for us until I can’t anymore, and when I do fall ill let God pick me back up and tell me I can keep going.
Amen! This article has blessed my life today. I’ve been with my husband 17 years. I’ve been serving the Lord for 10 years but he has not accepted the Lord as his savior. After losing 3 babies at almost full term and not so wise decisions from both parties, my husband left our home almost a year ago. I’ve made many unwise decisions prior to him leaving and after he left. Trying to justify that he has been unfailful.
But the truth of the matter is that I still love my husband and I will humbly will reconsiliate with him. I understand that it will be a process but I have asked God for forgiveness for my wrong doing and cover my husband in prayer and mercy. I am ready to commit to fighting for God to bring my husband home!!! This article has help me get on the right track in doing so.
Thank you Elizabeth. It sure seems that you need some blessings in your life. I’m so sorry for you losses. I pray the Lord helps you, guides you, comforts you, speaks to you, and works in and through you in this situation. I also pray God infuses hope into your heart that you will eventually experience better days –ones that will bring a smile to your heart.
It seems that you two are very hurt. You two might need a little bit of time to heal. Take it slow, don’t jump into any decisions. Talk to him and tell him to also take things slow. God bless you.
I refuse to give up on my 30 year marriage. I have been doing everything wrong; begging him, throwing Bible down his throat, telling him it’s important. I will take all blame for his infidelity, talking about it with whoever asks. Please pray for me and my family and please give me advice. I would die for my husband and I feel I will die without him.
It is not your fault that your husband has been unfaithful. That was his decision. I was in a very bad marriage but I was not unfaithful to my unfaithful husband. Why? Why did I make the decision to NOT betray him? Was that because of my HUSBAND? Is it his credit that I was faithful? Of course not! It is because I chose to remain faithful. So when a person is unfaithful, it is because that person chose to be unfaithful, not because of the spouse, PERIOD. Yes, there are problems in marriages that can make a person think that the grass is greener elsewhere, but nobody ever forces a person to be unfaithful and no spouse ever is the reason the other person betrays him or her. We each are accountable for our own choices. Take responsibility for what YOU say and do; allow him to be responsible for his actions, too.
Hi, We’ve been married for 17 years. My wife wants to leave me. She told me she wants a divorce. I have had issues with gambling. She has known about it for the past 10 years. We have two beautiful kids. My daughter is 11 and my son is 15. Both are at very vulnerable ages. She has the same job for the past 21 years and I have been through several jobs over the years. She told me she doesn’t love me and has lost feelings for me after trying for so many years to warn me and give me chances to fix my problems. She’s fed up and now wants out.
Gambling stole my identity, and now that I finally see the damage I’ve done and want help. She wants nothing to do with me. I told her several times over the past years, I wanted to speak with her brother, and seek advice, and she said not to speak to him. I’ve spoken to her mother and she said “why did you wait so long, it’s too late, she’s fed up!” Her divorced friends are telling her their story, her friends are supporting her and I am sitting here with my daughter and son on most evenings while she goes out and returns home late.
She insists she isn’t having an affair, although she does have a male friend she knew before we met, and recently has been talking and meeting with him. Yet she tells me he’s just a close friend. Sometimes I believe her and sometimes I have my doubts. She never tells me where she’s going or who she’s with, and I’m deeply hurt. I know this is all my doing. But I have finally woken up and I desperately want to fix my marriage! Is there any chance? Joe
Hi Joe, I can only imagine how this must be…. I am also a husband…. and my heart goes our to you. I had a short bout with gambling as well- that is a horrible addiction, as of course you know all too well. I posted a few texts in the section here:
https://marriagemissions.com/gambling-is-destroying-our-marriage-and-family-life/comment-page-1/#comment-347426
Probably the best thing you can do is “seek the Lord while He may be found, call on Him while he is near”….. pray a LOT, seek support from friends and family whom you trust….. and perhaps show your wife the text you just wrote here above. She needs to know and trust that you mean business….
Your wife also needs to be aware of the fallout and impact divorce will have on your children – this was not mentioned anywhere in your text. Divorce is also expensive and time consuming… a friend once said to me that she had NO idea…. If you can get this across to your wife, so much the better. I have heard it said that “divorce solves nothing, you just trade one set of problems for another.” Second marriages have a far higher failure rate, and affairs very rarely pan out… (perhaps 5%?) Perhaps look up the stats on that one.
I hope these comments help you Joe. Come back to this site and let us know ho you are?
WP (Work in Progress)
Lord knows I needed this, as I am currently struggling with what feels like defeat. I am trying my very best to stay positive but the more I draw closer to God the harder the enemy puts negative and insecure thoughts in my head. I ask the Lord to help bring me peace during this difficult time. I know I am not to go based on my own understanding, I’m just trying to find my way on how to let go and just trust. My fears are hindering my growth but, I’m working on myself in the midst of my fight for my marriage. May God please continue to help me.
This is painful for me to write. My wife of nearly 10 years has decided to move out. She’s found a place and has already signed the lease. This past year has been very, very difficult as she pushed herself further and further away from me. She ignores me, barely answers my texts or answers the phone. We had a silly quarrel over a utility bill and she felt that I should have known about it and taken care of it.
She brings up the past all the time and holds onto grudges indefinitely. In my eyes and many others people’s eyes I’ve done nothing wrong but been there for her and supportive of her choices. Nothing I do is ever good enough. She’s constantly comparing me, belittling me and verbally abusive. She’s always angry, negative, spiteful and stubborn. She’s never taken the marriage seriously and always wants to throw in the towel when we have a small hiccup. She claims she’s miserable because of me and wants out. She’s told family members she doesn’t love or respect me.
I pray for my wife daily and I often wonder if he listens to my prayers. I ask for him to forgive her and to grace her with his presence. I ask that he opens her eyes to the love I have for her and to soften her very hard heart. I’m hanging on to a glimmer of hope and I can’t stop thinking about her. Therefore I ask… please pray for my wife and our marriage. We have 2 very young children that don’t need their hearts broken by an insensitive person. I feel the enemy is winning.
My wife left me 2 months for another man and moved in with him. She says that the reasoning has to do with me not changing. She says this man “loves her for her”. She tells me she doesn’t love me, that she gave me 2 children and that is all she will give me ever. She tells me and on social media that I have been physically and mentally abusive. I have never beat on, beat up, or physically hurt anyone in my family. I have never told my wife she cannot do something. We disagree on subjects, or actions that each of us take (walking away, not talking, saying shut up!, or whatever else). She tells me that we have an unhappy home, however, we are always told how loving and peaceful our home feels when we have company over. I have always stood by her side, advised her when asked, and stopped doing something because she asked me to.
I love my wife and have been so focused on providing an income for our family, giving her what she wants, and doing as little for me so they can have everything. I do not know what to do other than pray, fast, and have faith that God will answer my prayers, fasts, and see my faith. I am killing her with kindness, love, forgiveness. I have invited her home, and I am constantly rejected. I know the man she is with is known for asking desperate house wives to move in and after months of an affair kicks them to the curb.
I have not said anything to her, all I do is pray, fast, have faith. I am working on myself physically, mentally, and spiritually. I focus on my faith, my family, my career. I tell my children love your mom, forgive her, and keep praying. I have my kids every other week. She has stopped attending church, won’t even take our kids (who love going), and has told me she is saved even though she is committing adultery. I have written her notes saying I love you and forgive you; God loves you and forgives you; and how much I cherish our marriage and family.
With all the rejection she has given I do at times feel hopeless. However, as I pray and fast I feel peace and comfort. I don’t hear Gods voice telling me “Yes, this is right”, I just know it is right. Because I love her, my family, and God’s commandments; I trust God will provide away for her back to “us” (myself, our family, our marriage). Has anyone ever heard of a situation like this where the Lord has saved the marriage?
Marriage should be a combined effort to trying to save it, alone won’t work. Both parties need to communicate, listen to and support each other if they want it to work. It’s difficult to do, but if there’s enough love there you should be able to work things out.
keepyourmarriagealive.com
Please help me and pray for my marriage; we have been going through a lot. My husband’s mom died 2 years ago and he was very close with his mom. She was a single mom and she raised him and she lived with us and I cared for her also deeply. She was my best friend we’ve been married a little over 20 years and we have two beautiful granddaughters during the time. When his mom passed away he started an affair; we argued and fought a lot that didn’t help anything. He left me for her but he stayed only a couple of days and came back. He keeps telling me that it’s over with the other woman but it’s not and I know it.
I love my husband very much and my family; we are both Christians but he is lost right now and he is very far in distance from me right now and I’m hurting a lot; he told me several times that he loves this woman but he also says he still loves me; he’s like a different person that I don’t know anymore; not the same man I fell in love with but I believe he is still there somewhere. I am trusting God to restore and to make us better than we were but it’s so hard and I’m asking for prayer and any suggestions that may help or encourage me. I’ve been going through this for a little over two years and I’m not giving up. Any advice would surely be welcome.