We can come up with all kinds of arguments that may make sense to us, concerning this or that. But in reality, it isn’t wise if it opposes what God thinks about it —no matter what anyone else tells you. That is especially true as it pertains to what is written in the scriptures. The Bible says, “There is a way that seems right, to a man, but in the end it leads to death” (Proverbs 14:12).
There are all kinds of different “deaths” this could be referring to. These include physical death, spiritual disconnection or death, the end of a relationship …death of dreams or the cut off from receiving a blessing. The list goes on —none of which, is good.
That particular scripture can be applied to the issue of having sex before marriage. No matter how clever our reasoning sounds to us, that doesn’t mean God puts His stamp of approval on it.
The Truth
You can argue that “everyone else is doing it,” so why not you? But in Truth, that doesn’t mean anything. Just because “everyone is doing it” and everyone says it’s okay to “do it,” it doesn’t mean they are right.
In Noah’s day everyone was doing what they thought was okay, but God shows us in the Bible that everyone else was wrong. He wiped out most of mankind because what they were doing was NOT okay. It was sin —no matter how much they reasoned or thought that it was not. The only ones God spared were those who did things His way. So the “everyone else is doing it” argument surely isn’t an argument that can be wise to use.
What we think may make sense, doesn’t necessarily mean that God sees it that way. God says in Isaiah 55:8-9,
“‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.‘”
To view some of the thoughts that people have concerning having sex before marriage and what God tells us in the Bible, that opposes those reasonings, we provide below a few web site links to some articles that might help you. The first is written by John Thomas, posted on the Boundaries.org web site for singles. The second is written by Brian Kluth, who is a co-organizer of Christian Singles in Denver.
Please prayerfully read through:
• SOLOMON’S LINE ON PREMARITAL SEX
• GOD’S WORD ABOUT SEX FOR SINGLES
Filed under: Sex Before Marriage
I am happy about your words that sex before marriage is not good for us.
Am personally happy about this article on sex before marriage, not being in line with what God expects of me. I keep going back and forth with that and it’s not healthy. It makes me shy away from even reading the word. But for some weeks now I have been asking God for the grace to hold on till marriage. I did that for years and got back in to it again. I planned to tell my boyfriend to let us hold on till we are married, but if he can’t hold on then we should be getting ready for marriage or he needs to walk away. I am too distanced from God and I know I am dying slowly spiritually. I need a revival. Bless you.
Is affection – hugging and kissing between the widowed and widower in 80’s who are courting wrong? I was married 56 years, he 46 years. We have been companions and will marry after my year anniversary of husband’s death. We have not had intercourse.
What do YOU think? What do you think the Lord would say about it? I don’t see a problem with it if you can hold back from doing that, which only a husband and wife can do with God’s blessing. There is freedom in marriage, but restraint is expected beforehand. If you can’t hold back from doing more than you should, then you need to make sure you put in extra boundaries and/or step up your wedding.
It seems like you are wise in waiting for at least a year after your husband’s death. Even that can be a bit soon. You need to make sure that you are compatible and that you are equally yoked on a lot of levels. Also, you need to properly deal with the deaths of your spouses so you don’t bring comparison games into your marriage. Also, it can complicate your future relationship together. Here’s a link to an article for you to read that may bring you some helpful insights: https://marriagemissions.com/when-death-parts-us/.
Also, know that once you start being more sensual with each other (even if you don’t have intercourse) your focus changes on the ways you lean towards knowing each other. Your focus will lean towards the romantic and sensual teasing part of the relationship and less on the “I want to know who you are as a person and whether or not we are compatible for each other” part of the relationship. So, I caution you. Be careful about how far you let that part of your relationship expand.
Please spend time in the “Remarriage” topic of this web site. Some of the info won’t pertain to you because you are not dealing with divorce situations, but ask the Lord to show you what can pertain to you, or needs to be readjusted to your situation. I hope you will. And may God bless you as you explore your relationship with this man further. “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ —to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)
Thank you Cindy for the angles you shared and the insight. The scripture closing is beautiful.
Why did you say that a year is a bit too soon to marry again after my husband’s death?
Many times it is. It takes time to really know someone you are planning to marry if you haven’t had at least a year to see each other in many different settings and through many different seasons. (And even then, it can still be difficult to really “know” each other in that amount of time, or more.) Also, if either of you have “children” and grandkids, it often takes at least that amount of time for them to adjust to you being with someone else after they have lost their parent. And then, it takes a bit of time (and often more than a year) to adjust your mindset into being married to someone else. You both were with your spouses a long, long time. And for you, it’s less than a year since your spouse died.
Just make sure that you have properly grieved losing your husband so you are ready to give your love to someone new. I don’t know you or this man, so I can’t really make a blanket statement like this. It may not be true for you, given some different circumstances. I’m just cautioning you ahead of time, just in case. On the other hand, what a blessing it can be if you find true love again at this point in your lives!
The fact that you are both in your 80’s means that you probably don’t have multiple decades ahead of you to enjoy a new marriage. So, time has a different meaning for you. But just make sure that this is a good relationship so you don’t tarnish your golden years. Sometimes it’s better to be alone than to be with someone that makes your life miserable. Right now you may not imagine that. But we’ve seen instances where this happens. I’m just cautioning you not to jump too soon.
Also, make sure you keep your monies fairly separate so your children still have some type of inheritance (if it’s possible). You and your husband built a life together, including a financial life. If there is any money left at the time of your death, it would be good if the money that you and your husband had, and the money that he and his wife had, goes to each of your kids. Otherwise, they may resent the new spouse and feel abandoned. Just a few thoughts. Again, I don’t know the dynamics of the life you had with your husband and your family and the dynamics that this new love had with his wife and his children. But be careful, to the degree that you can.
I pray this relationship becomes a blessing to you and to him and to both of your families. What a beautiful way this would be to spend the rest of your life. May God bless you and give you wisdom, insight, and knowledge as to how to proceed in all of this. I pray this for you.
You are wise. I see that you have great insight. I was the one who wanted to rush into it because of the time left and that he was my husband’s very good friend from 5-18 and the fact my husband announced his birthday every year we were married and then two years before my husband died, he (Steve)asked for him-Ray’s core values and spiritual underpinnings very similar. I saw it like a love link insurance policy. He wants to meet my family and I have met his.
Thanks Susan; you are kind. Just enjoy the time you have getting to know each other and when you believe it’s wise because you both do well together–especially as it pertains to conflict resolution, and God would have you, as you commit all of this to prayer, THEN get married. But don’t feel pressured to marry. It may or may not be the best way for both of you.
My sister-in-law’s dad dated his deceased wife’s sister for a number of years without marrying. They had both lost their spouses, knew each other well, and enjoyed each other’s company greatly. But they decided not to marry. There were too many complicating circumstances. So, they just enjoyed being great friends. They spent a lot of time together, went places together, ate a lot of meals together, and embraced times being with each other’s families together, etc. They never married, but thoroughly enjoyed being together in other ways. They were exclusive and happy. It was a very relaxed and enjoyable relationship for both of them.
I’m not saying that this has to be the plan for you and Ray. You both may want more. And that can be good too. But it is another option that many people don’t consider later in life. Just pray about it. Please don’t leave the Lord out of this relationship. He wants to be included in every aspect of your life. So, you and Ray talk about it together. And then see what you both believe will work for your relationship and go that way as God leads. I hope you will. I pray this relationship goes in a direction that will bless both of you. You seem like a really nice person. I hope only the best for you.
Cindy, should the man do the pursuing all the time or should the lady do some of the pursuing?