Do you truly want to stop abuse in your life? If so, you have a lot to learn so you can discern truth and false promises.
You want to believe with every fiber of your being that your spouse will never hurt you again. You’re hearing so many promises that he or she won’t be abusive to you in the future. He or she may truly be sorry and may promise you everything you would ever want to hear. But it’s important to know that this doesn’t mean that he or she will be able to keep those promises. Some abusers won’t and some abusers can’t. They may not have the strength within them (at least not yet, or ever) to stop themselves from giving into their impulses to hurt you when they become enraged.
How do you know?
So how do you know if they really will stop the abuse in the future and if they indeed have changed? The truth is that you can never be completely certain. There are some signs, however, that you can look for, which may help you.
Before we lead you to the articles to help you with this issue, we preface all of this by saying that the information we’ve found is addressed to wives who are in abusive situations. But please know that in many homes it is the wife who is the abuser. We truly get that.
We keep searching for articles to help those who are being abused. But the majority of articles written address women as being the victims. If you are a man who is being abused, please accept our apology. We haven’t been able to find many articles to help you. It is not for lack of trying to find them (and we will continue to keep trying). If this is true for you, please reverse the “he’s” and “she’s” in the linked articles below. Pray, read, and glean through them, and apply what you can use for your situation.
Helpful Linked Articles to Stop Abuse
With that said, below is a link to an article written by Brenda Branson. She put together a “Pastors Guide to Domestic Violence.” But actually, this list can be used by anyone. (Again, you can change the pronouns, if it applies to your situation.) Here are two things Brenda points out:
He Has Not Changed If . . .
• He blames her or others for his behavior.
• He uses guilt to manipulate her into dropping charges or keeping silent.
There are several more “signs” that will point out the seriousness of the “change” that is claimed. We highly recommend that you read the list linked below to learn:
And then Barbara Roberts came up with a great list that points to whether or not a person is truly sorry. Here are two of them:
“If they are genuinely repentant, abusers will:
• Stop all blame shifting. Stop blaming their spouse, and stop making excuses.
• Commit to going to a professionally run Behavior Change Group for spouse-abusers.”
But there are more. You can learn more by reading:
ALSO… to Stop Abuse:
In another article, written by Brenda Branson, posted on the Focus Ministries web site, she discusses whether the abuser is truly repentant or is temporarily regretful. In this article, she gives you biblical insight to help you discern the difference and truly stop abuse:
• The Difference Between True Repentance and Temporary Regret
The following blog is written by Leslie Vernick. She makes a few additional comments on subjects, other than this issue. But when you read the “Question” posed in her blog, and then the “Answer” she gives, we believe you will find some very good information. Please pray, read, glean and apply what you can use:
• He Said He’s a New Man. Now What?
And finally, below is a link to an article (author unknown) that gives additional points to consider. The author gives quite an extensive list. Here are a few of the points given:
“Beware of the temptation to gauge change by means of the perpetrator’s church-going or therapy-acquiring behavior. Going to church or seeing a therapist is not good enough . . . does not prove that he (she) is no longer going to hurt his/her partner any longer.”
He (She) Has Not Changed If…
• (S)He pressures the partner to let her/him move back in before partner is ready.
• (S)He continues to use sarcasm or verbal abuse, talk over his/her partner, and shows disrespect or superiority.
You’ll want to read this list in its entirety. It’s a good one! To help you to stop abuse read the following:
• SIGNS THAT AN ABUSER HAS CHANGED OR HAS NOT
We pray you have found all of this info helpful so you can make wise decisions to keep yourself as safe as it’s possible.
Filed under: Abuse in Marriage
(SOUTH AFRICA) How do I realise when someone abuses me?
(USA) I have been with my husband for 3 years. We got married this past August. A couple of nights before Thanksgiving is when it really sunk in that things were different. There was one time before when he came home drunk telling me I was jealous and he was pushing me around. I was sober then and finally got him to stop. But this last time I was also drinking and things were fine he was all lovey but he wouldn’t let me go to the bathroom. I eventually wet myself and began to cry then he started to mock me so I broke loose and went to sit in the bathroom.
He ended up breaking down the door and started to choke me. I was so shocked I started to cry even more. He eventually stopped and I ended up going outside where he followed me pushing me around the yard. I didn’t want to get up, afraid he would keep doing it. He told me I needed to get up or he would kick me in the head. Eventually one of my friends told my parents and they convinced me that I needed to get out because they were all afraid that if it happens again I may not be so lucky. I was really upset because he didn’t remember any of it, and he kept crying saying he was sorry. I left him while he was at work and waited until all of my important things were gone to tell him I was staying with my parents.
I was gone for a week. He kept crying over texts saying he was sorry and I need to come home because he was drunk and didn’t mean to do anything. I eventually got annoyed with all of the messages and him crying about it. He told me that I was breaking the law for leaving him without talking to him first, told me that I’m an adult but I’m acting like a child. It has been a couple weeks that I have been back living with him. He hasn’t drank but he still annoys me. He has always had a low libido, but lately all he wants to do is make love. I feel like he is trying to make me forget what happened. We haven’t even talked about it since I have returned. All I think about when I look at him or think of him is when he broke the door down and choked me. I don’t even feel like I love him anymore. I don’t know what to do because if I leave him I know he will be crushed.
(USA) Tiffany -Men who abuse also know how to manipulate extremely well. They know how to play your emotions and make you feel sorry for them OR even try to put it back on you. Do not take his bait. You will only find yourself back in another abusive situation. He doesn’t deserve your time or love. He wants his needs met and you’re there to fulfill a very sick person’s needs. If he wanted what was best for you, he would not be pleading with you to return. He would accept how horrific his actions toward you were and would never want to put you back in that situation again.
He needs not to be back in any relationship until a professional counselor releases him and even then the proof is in the pudding (if he can truly change). Stay away. What he put you through is unbelievable. He sounds very dangerous. Be safe. Saying a prayer for you. PS Abusiveness means there is no character, trust, integrity and especially love. How sick is the person who says they love you, after treating you with verbal, physical or mental abuse? That is NOT love for you, only love of SELF. He is the opposite of love. Love means he lives to serve, care and protect you from harm. Abuse is the opposite of this.
Hi. I came to this website looking for help. My wife and I separated two weeks ago and she is strongly considering divorce. During this time apart, she has seen me as an abuser by reading the book “Why Does He Do That.” I read the book too. At first, I was resistant to being called an abuser, but the book called out all my tactics, especially the ones where I turn the blame around onto her and how I manipulate my community to make it seem like its her fault. I am an abuser. I have made my wife cry too many times by making her feel like crap. She’s felt so bad and hurt that she starting hitting herself. This happened multiple times. Several times, she even tried to commit suicide… although she said she never intended to go through with it, she said that she was in that much pain and wanted her pain to somehow get through to me.
However, I superficially looked at her pain and the next day, went on acting like everything was normal. I never took her pain seriously unless she threatened to leave or left. Then I would say sorry and she would forgive me. This happened too many times and two weeks ago, she had enough. I’m realizing more and more how abusive I have been. She is incredibly intelligent, generous, and absolutely loves Jesus. Many times, being with me made her think that she was losing her faith and her faith was very dry. I am so ashamed of my controlling behavior, my sense of self-entitlement, self-righteousness, and the way I manipulate conversations with her and others so that my actions aren’t that bad. I hate this. I want to stop. I don’t know how. I’ve been in tears everyday but feel so hopeless. The couple times we’ve seen each other, I’ve cried often and she sees them as just selfish tears – tears of my own pain, but not tears for her. It’s true that I am crying because of my own pain but I know that I am crying for what I’ve done to her too. It’s all mixed up because I’m a mess. I tried to write an email to our network of friends confessing my sins. However, she saw how I was using passive voice constructions and other techniques to disguise my sins. I rewrote it to make myself more of the primary actor. She was going to write the letter to friends but I said I wanted to because I needed to take responsibility for my sins. She then said that I’m doing it because I’m trying to take credit for being the confessor instead of letting her tell it. I am lost. I am trying so hard but because she’s lost complete trust in me, it feels like everything i do will be looked upon with the most suspicion. I’m crying out to God in desperation to rip this abusive nature in me.
In the book by Lundy, it says that abusers rarely change. My wife has been told that abusers never change. I am so sad. Is there any hope? There seems to be plenty of resources for abused women. Is there any for the abuser who wants to change? Are there resources for the abusers who are the “Mr. Demanding” or “Water Torturer” or “the Charmer.” Please. I know that my wife loves happy endings and that if she knew that I was different, that she would, without a doubt, want to reconcile.
Hi there, in need of advice. My life is in turmoil at the moment. My husband has abused me over the years and I am planning to separate. We have 2 children and he is a good dad to them. The abuse has not happened regular but there has been long periods of time till it has happened again. I’ve tried to block it out and pick myself up and keep going. When it first started it was very subtle and very hard to recognise as abuse. It has got worse as time as passed.
The thing is he does not do it whilst the children are here and keeps saying if I leave with them to think about how it’s going to affect them. I feel devastated and torn apart. I have made the decision to leave because he started with verbal abuse, then threats and bullying behaviour. The last time he physically hurt me by pushing/shoving me across the room. I was left shocked and shaken. I asked him to please leave but he refuses. I am waiting for a property to come available so I can move out. In the meantime he is trying to convince me to give him another chance .He is doing everything in his power to show me he has changed.
The truth is I love him and want to believe that hes changed. But I know that I have to take a stand and leave so he takes responsibility for his actions. I feel heartbroken but I’m determined to do the right thing for myself and my children. Please pray for God’s strength. How can I stay strong and not let resolve weaken?
I’m not sure where to start. I’ve been in an off and on relationship for three years. I have left and continuously find myself coming back. Hoping for change, and for the relationship I prayed for. The abuse started early on and I am unable to honestly say why I stayed other than I felt a deep connection and thought that if I waited it out I may finally have the happiness I know I deserve.
This has yet to happen and he has become more violent and has resorted physical violence during arguments. He is much bigger than me and makes it a point to remind me. I am embarrassed to share with my family what has been happening and don’t want to share with my friends. I feel lost and don’t know what to do. I really would love to believe that with therapy and proper communication skills we will be able to make our future that of what we wanted from the beginning.
I don’t believe I am innocent in all of this but I do believe he often turns minor disagreements into horrific battles that lead us down the path of destruction. How do I know how to go and how to stay away for good?
Dearest Kristin, Run… don’t walk, but run, if you can as far away from this relationship, as soon as it is possible. I know that you have to be careful with a violent person –a lot of it is about control and some abusers, if they feel they are losing control, will become aggressive. So be careful. Please read as many of the articles we have posted in the Abuse in Marriage topic to find ways of escape. Please don’t think that this is about you… It’s not; it’s about him giving himself permission to treat you as a sub-human. Most often, abuse will ramp up and get worse and worse, so you are just getting a peek into the beginning of escalating violence. Please escape while you can. Here’s an article I encourage you to prayerfully read through: http://host.agencysrvr.com/~marriage/warning-escape-abuse-before-marriage/.
If this guy is not 100 per cent committed to change –FINDING someone IMMEDIATELY to help him do that and is very, very repentant and sorry for what he has done to you on top of that, you are in a losing battle. One without the other or an absence of both means he only cares about himself –your safety has little if any meaning to him, and he will act accordingly. Even then, it would be a very, very, very tough battle –a lifelong one. YOU have to be proactive here and leave this abusive relationship. Please talk to your family and get their support. You need it. Abusers can break down your ability to reason as you should. Please get help and leave this abuse. Get out while you can. I hope you will and pray that God gives you the strength and wisdom to do what you need to do to escape.
I want to share what might be a less heard perspective. I failed in my role as a shepherd to my family. We had problems when we met and I will always swear that there was a deep and true love that is worth recovering, as well as the fabled love at first sight, but we were people –using each other within about 15 minutes after that. Yes, there were disasters, and spirals, and influences, and they were tests, as we all get tested, and we failed, sometimes separately, and sometimes together. We came from broken and dysfunctional homes and there was involvement with the local child agencies, and ultimately we spent 20 years making excuses and justifications until now there’s restraining orders in both directions and 4 children are nearly lost to those same agencies, generation 2, group homes and foster care. Whatever she says on her end, which is her program now, on my end a lot of therapy and classes has revealed to me that we were what could be the sneakiest thing ever: addicts that met each other and engaged in the deceit typical of that two-fold, such that we never came close to admitting it even to ourselves.
The lesson? Abuse as taught by the post-Christian mindset comes full circle back to the Bible, and it should. They label many things as financial, emotional, ***ual, physical, and verbal abuse. While there are certainly readers that did not deserve what happened in their life, abuse often goes both ways, as it did with us. Your initial weakness doesn’t have to be addiction, many things can start repeated spirals. The only thing that can stop them is admitting to a lack of control, and meeting life on it’s terms, not yours, by giving yourself over to God.
The points made in the articles listed here can and should be used as references to self examination by both parties in a relationship. Do you want him/her back, do I want her back? Of course, and I pray to God for it every day. But that may or may not be in the Plan. What is in our control today is to desire and then apply the ability to be sincere in our personal change. If we’re honest, we realize that we abuse ourselves before we abuse others. We should want to reflect the points of sincerity raised in these articles for ourselves in our relationships with ourselves and God, then the relationships with all others, not just our partners, will follow.
All of this informative information has affirmed my feelings. My relationship of two years with my fiance has been verbally, mentally and physically abusive. I had faith he would change and supported everything I could with him. It wasn’t working, so I had to have a protective order against him to get him away. I know it’s only a piece of paper, but it was a very big step for me. I loved him deeply, but loved myself more. This isn’t easy, but I know for me, it is the right thing to do for my future and safety. Thank you.
I am a white female who was lead to this site after googling how to stop being physically abusive to my boyfriend. He is a black man from the streets so you never can tell. Also, I know my bf wouldn’t be caught dead going to the hospital for being abused by his girl and I’m sure many men feel that way so that explains mostly female DV ER visits.
Hello, My husband calls me all sorts of names. He promises he will never lift his hands and always brakes it. But I love him. HELP!
Unfortunately these lists are worthless. Many, many abusers will act that way TEMPORARILY, to get out of legal trouble or to get his wife or girlfriend to come home. The only measure that really matters is PERMANENT change, which almost never happens. Telling women that temporary changes in behavior denote permanent change in personality is misleading and DANGEROUS. The people who wrote this article seem to be focusing on saving all marriages, even the dangerous ones. I, on the other hand, have years of experience with REAL abusive relationships, and I can tell you that real permanent change almost never happens.
You are right in saying that it is rare that the changes are permanent. Anyone who believes otherwise is fooling themselves. They need to be extra cautious. This is not a flippant article that applies to the masses. Each victim has to be very, very cautious if they decide to be open again to trusting, even a little. But I have to say that I have known of those (some personally) who definitely HAVE changed… many haven’t but some have.
To shove all abusers in the same corner saying change can and will never happens is to discount that, which can be done by those who are absolutely determined not to allow themselves to go down that road again. It also underestimates God’s miracle, changing power to those who reach out to Him to help them to change. And it erases those who put the work into, and learn different lifestyle skills of dealing with their anger, and put the boundaries up for themselves to make sure the abuse never happens again. There ARE some who can get to this place. It is rare, but it DOES happen.
I used to be in an abusive relationship. We have been together for 7 years now and he has changed dramatically. We recently got engaged. I am very close with my parents and they don’t know about the past abuse.
They love my fiance and if I told them it would be over. In a way it bothers me that they don’t know; should I tell them? Just feel like its a big secret. It is personal, and in the past, but is it necessary that they know? I am very happy and excited about our engagement but I have this secret lingering over me. I guess I just want to hear that due to it being in the past; its not revelant.
I’m in the same boat with you. My husband was very abusive the first year and a half of our marriage and for the past 3 years has been the man that fairy tales are made of! I opted to keep the past in the past at this point. I do not want to stir up ugly feelings that have no place in our lives now. I think he may have told my father that he was abusive towards me early on…But that’s his business to tell.
He did change his behavior because he was willing to admit that his abusive personality had become a choice. I would just move on from it. If you don’t believe it will ever happen again and you’ve seen permanent coping skills and changes in him… Your gut feeling…go with your gut.
I guess I was trying to say that I do not think it is something that needs to be brought up unless it happens again. I wouldn’t want to embarrass my husband by bringing up his past sins and cause him to feel like I wasn’t acknowledging his changes. But here’s the deal…I guess if you feel it’s a big secret, it’s obviously bothering you, why don’t you talk with him about it first and see if it’s something he would open up to your family about together…That’s also good for accountability…???
This article has crystallized many of the things I’ve been thinking. My (female) partner suffered a knee injury last year and has been in a wheelchair since. This may have caused her to become depressed and to be a factor in her becoming controlling and implacable. Last Saturday, however, she engineered an argument out of the blue (as has been usual), which resulted in her punching me in the face, among other things. (In spite of being chair-bound.)
At that moment I was calling the police non-emergency line because she was so enraged and wouldn’t calm down (it was after midnight). When she drew blood from my nose I called the emergency number. I didn’t know that here in the UK the police are obliged to remove the violent partner, which they did.
She’s now set for an assault trial in five months (police decision to charge, not mine), and may not contact me or approach me -in spite of having most of her belongings in my flat. It was a shock to have the police decide overnight that your relationship is ended, but in fact it has given me the perspective to see that the relationship should indeed stop if her subsequent behavior is anything to go by.
I took some things over to her flat, including her dog, a day later, and she was in pieces -but it was as though SHE was the victim; all her sorrow was for herself. She even tried to obstruct me from collecting my keys.
My father was psychologically abusive to his whole family. I now see that I had learned from my nurturing mother to put up with abuse. I took it as normal. The breakup is sad, but I was trying to fix the person who was abusing me, which is pure self-deception.
How do I know if he is just being nice to get something or if he is genuinely being nice to me?
I don’t know if I could ever trust my spouse again after 5+ years of emotional abuse that escalated to a physical abuse incident and we separated. There would have to be a truly miraculous transformation, and here are some things that I believe could help in proving his change and commitment to Christ and our marriage:
1) Public confession of Abuse to Social media, family, church, and friends (right now he is a wolf in sheep clothing and not exposing his true behavior and told lies in court)
2) Lie Detective test to verify answers to specific questions
3). True Accountability by other men in the faith
4). Willingness to do what it takes to bring healing to the marriage
5) At least 2+ years of watching from a distance to see if he remains faithful.
This is my life I’m talking about, and I mean business.