This article concerns slowing down and thinking twice about divorce, as a way of escaping the pain. When we hurt, our first instinct is to try to stop the pain. Somehow, we try to find ways to stop that, which is hurting us —especially if we feel deeply afflicted. This is a common reaction. But not all exits lead to the escape we are hoping for.
Still, it is tempting. Even King David talked about escaping the pain he was going through. He’s quoted in Psalm 55:6-8 as saying,
“I said, ‘Oh, that I had wings of a dove! If so, I would fly away and be at rest. I would flee far away and stay in the desert. I would hurry to my place of shelter, far from the tempest and storm.‘”
Escape: Thinking Twice
It sounds tempting at times to escape like this, doesn’t it? In the book, The Walk Out Woman, author Dr Steve Stephens talks about the flee to escape:
“In many ways, difficult emotions can be more painful than a physical injury. Our friend Keely writes, ‘When you are hurting, your heart feels as though it will break into a thousand pieces. Or it feels like it will just stop working altogether.’ Some of the clients I see in my practice say they feel so much pain they wonder if they are going crazy or if they might even die.
“No wonder their first thought is to escape in some way —in any way. Emotions can be so intense that they distort your thinking. They tempt you to consider options that are irrational, unhealthy, or in direct opposition to your core values.”
Missing a Miracle
You may think that you have endured enough. And perhaps you have. I don’t know your life, just like you don’t know mine. I do know however, that there was a time when I didn’t feel like I loved my husband. Never in my imagination, did I think it would be possible that our marriage could be salvaged, let alone get to a good place. But both have happened. I almost jumped into divorce. I was so very close to making that decision. I’m so glad I didn’t. The love my husband Steve and I have for each other is a miracle, no doubt. We almost missed this miracle.
I don’t know if this will happen for you, but I sure didn’t think it could happen for me. And yet, it did. A miracle may be just around the corner, and you just don’t know it.
I can testify first hand, however, that it’s extremely difficult to slow things down from heading into a divorce when things look so bleak.
“This is particularly so when you feel lonely, empty, and incomplete. When that happens you can jump the gun. You can make a choice based on your limited perspective rather than the larger picture that would emerge if only you had sought more information…” (T.D. Jakes)
Temptation to Escape
Author Jennifer Smith (in her article, “I Daydreamed of Divorce”) writes about the temptation she faced to divorce as a way to escape her troubled marriage:
“I didn’t realize it going into marriage, but I’d brought with me several expectations of what life would be like as husband and wife. When those expectations weren’t met, I crumbled. I cried, yelled, and fought for things to unfold my way and on my timeline. With each expectation that was left unmet, bitterness grew in my heart.
“By year three, I was convinced that our marriage was going to end. Although I didn’t want to experience the devastation of divorce, I justified it by believing my happiness was more important than staying committed to my vows. I daydreamed about life without my husband, and I desired to pursue a future free from hardship.”
You can read a bit more of what Jennifer learned in the Family Life article:
• UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS ALMOST DESTROYED MY MARRIAGE
It’s been said that the depth of your hurt determines the width of your response. And when you’re hurting, escape seems like the most logical response.
Seems Logical
It’s been said that the depth of your pain determines the width of your response. And when you’re hurting, escape can seem like the most logical response. But does it really accomplish the end of pain? Or does it exchange one pain for another?
“Some might refer to divorce as ‘getting out and getting on with your life.’ Saying it that way actually makes it sound appealing. After all, divorce, in many cases, seems like the easy way out. Although everyone knows divorce is traumatic, emotionally wearing, and painful, making the decision to just stop trying often looks a whole lot easier than getting back in the ring and continuing to slug it out.
“Staying seems to require a deep well of time and energy. And it requires great personal sacrifice and risk that even Job couldn’t endure. Cutting and running just seems like the only viable alternative. If you’re lucky, maybe your troubles will remain ‘back there’ somewhere. And if you’re really lucky, the divorce will allow you to quit feeling defeated, ashamed, angry, bitter. Even if those negative emotions follow you, they have to be less after leaving than they would be if you stayed. Is that true?” (Dr Tim Clinton, Before A Bad Goodbye: How to Turn Your Marriage Around
)
It’s More Complicated
According to Dr Clinton, as he explains later in the book, many, many times, that just isn’t true. Here’s something he wrote to prayerfully consider:
“Most people ending a marriage hope to improve the quality of life for themselves and their children. They hope to find a new love, a more enriching relationship, a more responsive sexual partner, a more supportive companion, a better provider. Failing that, they hope to establish a single life that will provide greater opportunity for self-respect, contentment, and serenity, or at least, less turbulence, intrusiveness, and hurt.
“People want to believe that divorce will relieve all their stresses. We will go back to square one and begin our lives anew. But divorce does not wipe the slate clean. …Few adults anticipate accurately what lies ahead when they decide to divorce. Life is almost always more arduous and more complicated than they expect.” (Judy Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee, Second Chances: Men, Women, and Children a Decade After Divorce)
Another Perspective
Author Michele Weiner Davis puts it another way,
“In my work, I’ve had a bird’s eye view of what happens in people’s lives after divorce. I have seen the intense pain and despair that linger for years. I have seen times when every birthday, holiday, or other causes for celebration have been nothing more but painful reminders of a divorce. Plus, I have seen the triggering of unpredictable, hurtful events such as the total rejection by the children of the parent seeking the divorce. I have known children who, even many years after the divorce and their parents’ subsequent remarriages, still want to know if Mom and Dad will ever get back together.
“Now, after three decades of our social experiment with rampant divorce and disposable marriages, I know it isn’t a matter of people keeping their marriages together because they can, it’s a matter of people making their marriages work because they should. Divorce stinks!” (From the book The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage
)
There are so many studies that show us that the long-term effects of divorce is more devastating than most people realize. It’s not exactly a “stress reliever” or a way of leaving yourself of “troubles” but rather, it is an exchange of one set of troubles for another.
Exchanging Problems
“The idea of living in a loveless marriage starts to feel like a death sentence. Over time, many of these people slowly convince themselves that the benefits of leaving their marriages vastly outweigh the benefits of staying. They tell themselves, ‘Kids are resilient, they’ll bounce back.’ Or they say, ‘In the long run, this will be better for everyone.’ It’s not until they embark on the path to divorce and begin to piece their lives back together that they discover the real price they paid for their so-called ‘freedom.’ Regretfully, this painful discovery comes too late. They have fallen into the divorce trap.” (Michele Weiner Davis, from the book, The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage)
The Divorce Trap
Michele goes on in her book with a letter written by a woman named Joan. Joan is someone who fell into that trap, only to later regret it. She writes:
“Dear Michele,
I was married for 18 years and we have three terrific children. I instigated a divorce. It was final six months ago. Now, I am having second thoughts.I never imagined that I would feel this way because, for years, I was so miserable in my marriage. I thought that once I got out, we all would be better off. At first, it was a relief to get away from all the arguing. However, I could not anticipate how quickly the feelings of relief would turn to pain. The look on my children’s faces when they talk to their dad on the phone or when they come back from weekend visits has been more than I can bear.
What surprises me the most though is the fact that I find myself thinking about my ex all the time. He is far from perfect. But I now realize I could have made more of an effort to learn how to deal with the things that irritated or hurt me. Now I am haunted by the fact that my divorce destroyed not only a marriage but a family.”
Another Testimony
The following is a link to another letter, written by a man who is divorced. He has also lived to deeply regret the pain it has brought with it. This letter is posted on the Smart Marriages web site. And although it’s not a Christian ministry it’s a very good organization that we recommend highly. We need to warn you that there are several profane words in the article. But the message of the rest of the article is outstanding! It’s well worth reading. To read the article in its entirety, please click onto:
• WHEN A FAMILY MAN THINKS TWICE
Slowing Down and Thinking Twice
And then here’s something written by Dr Bob Burpee, in an article titled, “Slowing Down in a Crisis.” He wrote the following concerning stepping back, thinking and praying again, concerning this issue:
“What is the benefit of slowing down in crisis? If we are pulled by such strong forces to resolve a crisis quickly what is the point of waiting? Maybe the most compelling reason to learn the value of slowing down in a crisis is looking at the factors determining our actions. When I am reacting and in a rush I am controlled by my fears. When I find a way to slow my reactions I can choose based on who I want to be and am working to become. This allows me to select options and strategies based on integrity not my base fears and appetites.
“Do I really want my life defined by the fearful assumptions? Or, do I want to give myself a chance for something different based on what I believe could be possible even if I am the only one valuing a change?
“Most of us, if we are really honest, admire people who modeled this pause, and reasonable approach to addressing crisis in their life. They had every reason to react in a human way but instead displayed restraint. They took steps that led to opportunity for hope as opposed to the destruction their understandable reactions might have created.”
Learning From Others
In light of all that has been expressed here, there is another article I encourage you to read. Sometimes voices of experience can teach us things we never would have realized. They can prevent us from making the same mistakes. Please read:
• WHAT I WISH I’D KNOWN BEFORE I GOT DIVORCED
And then lastly, I want to leave you with something important to consider, on the issue of slowing down and thinking twice about divorce. Maggie Gallagher writes something interesting in her book, ‘The Case for Marriage’ that is worth noting. She says that:
“In a broad survey of self-described, very unhappy marriages, five years later, fully 86 percent of couples who stuck it out described their marriages as ‘happier’ with most saying they were now ‘very happy.’ Many of these couples received no counseling.” (Quote by Betsy Hart)
That should give you room to pause, pray, and slow things down. These are some thoughts that I hope you will prayerfully consider concerning ending your marital relationship.
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this blog.
If you have additional thoughts to share to help others, “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Separation and Divorce
(SOUTH AFRICA) I call myself a married-single. 4 years ago my husband of 24 years of marriage decided to leave home with another woman, about 12 years younger than myself and 13 years younger than himself. We have 2 sons now, age 27 and 25 and a daughter 23 years old. When my husband left it was in the same month of the 2nd oldest who turned 21 in that month.
Just before he left, my husband and I went to see a psychologist after I became aware of his infidelity. Just as we were to face each other in the last session, my husband left home. I instituted divorce before finding my salvation. At the end of this year my husband came back home. I could see that mentally my husband had lost it as he was trying to commit suicide. Again we decided to see a doctor who then referred him to a psychologist and psychiatrist.
My husband was then institutionalized for a period of 2 weeks. I really thought that it would help, but he decided to leave home to live with this woman. A year later after my husband left home, I became saved and I heard God say to leave what I was doing. I held off because I believe and trust that God can restore my relationship and marriage. My husband was our children’s idol, but he does not have any contact with them at all. Even with them being adults, I see the hurt and the longing in their eyes especially when when the oldest excels in darts and when their favorite teams play against each other.
I really thought that our marriage was perfect until I discovered my husband’s affair. I was shattered and contemplated suicide to get away from the hurt and the pain. But time and again I heard that small voice. Today I really thank God for allowing this suffering as I am a much stronger person now, and I know that God is the author and finisher of our lives. Nothing is over until He says it is over!!
Last week I received a divorce summons from my husband. I did not sign it as I believe this is not what God wants. I cannot speak to my husband at all; as this woman is not allowing him any contact with us. I have 21 days in which I have to respond. In failing to do so, the divorce will automatically go through. I really do not want my children to be part of this statistic. Please help me!!
May God bless you.
(USA) My heart understands some of what your are experiencing. I asked for a divorce from an 18 year marriage and together total 22 years, and now I find myself questioning my choice. My ex-husband did not cheat but he now lives with another woman 13 years younger than me and 14 years younger than himself. My divorce was due to anger issues.
Now I see him and he seems a lot calmer and said he feels like he was asleep and now woke up to find himself in a relationship he no longers wants to be in and doesn’t know how to get out of it. When I pray I hear it’s not done, you both had lots of lessons to learn. I just don’t know how to go on with the thought he has been making love to someone else.
For your sake I think praying will bring you the answers you search. I will also pray for your situation and I wish you the best. You seem like a lot bigger person that I am, due to you are ready to have him back even though he cheated on you. I pray I can come to peace with my own situation. God Bless you, your husband and your children.
(JAMAICA) Are you ever at the place in your marriage where you don’t know if it’s either good or bad? All I can do is pray.
(UNITED STATES AMERICA) Yes, I am at a place in my marriage now where I don’t know if it’s either good or bad and I too am praying. I am praying for peace, and strength. My husband is really casting me aside and I feel as if it is because he is interested in someone else or he just doesn’t want to be with me.
I am really in an uncomfortable place and want it to be over. I also pray that God will fix this and allow me a break.
(USA) It’s so hard for me to try to be optimistic these days. The man I married and I have been separated since April – just three weeks after our anniversary. What a joke! I spend so much time trying to understand how I can be so angry and hurt by someone at the same time. I fluctuate between wishing I had never seen my husband and wishing we could get our relationship to be something resembling normal. I feel like I’m being punished and he doesn’t seem to care about our relationship at all. He truly doesn’t care about or want me. I don’t think he ever really loved me. Our relationship was all wrong from the start, and now its just worse. I feel bad for getting married to him in the first place. Things only seem to be getting worse by the day. I just want to stop hurting. I keep thinking all this has been a tremendous waste. I don’t see how God is getting any glory out of this horrible situation.
(UNITED STATES OF AMERICA) My husband and I have been separated for about three years. We have been married for nearly six years. He was sent to Iraq for the Army twice and has been gone a total of three years in the military. He is back now but emotionally he is still very gone. Our problems stem back to our dating days. This marriage has seen its share of storms from infidelity to abandonment. I have been tossed back and forth by the waves and have been struggling desperately to keep my head above the water. We have a two year old daughter and I feel like I have no other option than a divorce. I just want some clarity. I feel like God is talking but I am having trouble hearing His answer. I just want some kind of end… either an end to the confusion or to the relationship. Hear my cries, Oh Lord!
(USA) My husband and I have been married for almost 14 years, and together for over 17. He has struggled with depression throughout his life, and he is on again off again with his medication. He has surges of anger, and I think he can be aggressive and mean sometimes. We have periods in our marriage that are fun and loving, then periods where he withdraws, spends hours on his computer or watching sports, and complains of being tired and unappreciated. I feel like I’m at the end of my rope. I have held on through many storms in our marriage, now I feel defeated and unable to argue anymore. I’m empty. I don’t know what to do. He’s working out of town right now, so we’re apart. Right now I don’t know if we’ll be able to live together again. I’m confused and worried.
(USA) What do I do if my spouse WILL NOT even talk to me? I mean not a word. He walked away after nine years and it’s like he died.
(USA) I am 42 years old, my husband and I have been legally seperated for 2 years. After a 13 year marriage, and being together for 17 years he chose to leave for his brothers wife’s best friend. I had issues with his family, my husband’s family doesn’t have children and thought that it was normal for my husband to be gone every weekend without the kids and me. We argued about the time he had spent away from home and the time he missed on vacations with the kids and I that he finally left for his brothers wife’s best friend.
I knew about the women for a while. He was always an hour and a half away from the kids and I. I raised the kids, sports, school and such while he was off hunting, fishing, trapping and having a great life. I was jealous and wanted that family life. I miss the family life. I hate the splitting of the holidays, and that his girlfriend is there attending things I can’t attend. Our separation ended in HATERED, NOT on my part but on his. I don’t understand why the hatred except that he has to pay me child support. I still dream to have my family back together one day! Is that wrong? I don’t date, or go out. I remodel the house for the kids and I work to make a home, hoping someday my husband will wake up and want us back.
(USA) Let’s see! My nightmare started 20 months ago. After being married for 16 yrs, my husband tells me out of the blue that he loves me but he’s not in love with me and he needs space. Knocked me down with surprise!!! I thought we had issues like every marriage but we were happy. We never got into fights. We never had problems. Guess I was wrong.
Then a few months later I found out there was someone else. He finally moved out to his mom’s house 10 months ago. Its been a battle. He’s always around. He spends time with us; we have a 12 yr old daughter. But he doesn’t want to commit. Finally almost three months ago he came up with an idea of setting a date where this will end.
In the meantime we live our lives and on this date we will sit and talk about whether or not we can save this marriage. Obviously my answer is yes! Or else I wouldn’t be here. Him, I don’t know. There are days I think yes he will and others I just don’t see it happening. The deadline is one week away! I’m dying inside while I’m trying to keep a cool attitude!
I am in similar situation. I refuse to participate in the process. My husband is with the third factor. It is ridiculous… and for people to remove God is also crazy. I keep my ring on because I’m married to the Most on High. I didn’t break the covenant so I will not wear scarlet. God will fix it. Remain in your position as the covenant wife. Do not leave. Pray for his deliverance.
(USA) PLEASE PRAY FOR MY MARRIAGE Grace and Peace,
My name is chamaine and my ex husband’s name is Brent. We got divorced in March and I AM believing God to restore my marriage. But about three weeks ago this woman came into his life and now there is just so much hatred in him towards me. Last night he told me never to speak to him again and in the last week when we would speak he would curse me and we have 10 year old kid. I am feeling very hurt and would like to pray for God to help and have his way in this situation; to bring peace and heal any unforgiveness, SAVE my husband and restore his love for me and also remove this person from his life. Thank you
(USA) This is a great article. I discovered your website back I think in January of this year. Through your website I was led to Rejoice Marriage Ministries.
My husband and I separated last October. There were some problems the first year but didn’t escalate until the end of the year. We had three very brief separations before this long one. When I found your website I was at a very low point and searching for help. My husband would not speak with me and I wanted so much for my marriage to be restored, but felt overwhelmed with all the circumstances. When I looked at Rejoice Marriage Ministries at that point, it sounded so hopeful but not possible for me and my marriage. I had been praying for my husband and marriage and God was speaking to me about my husband and marriage, but I felt very overwhelmed.
I started meeting with a “Christian” counselor who almost immediately told me I needed to get divorced. This was not what I wanted to hear, especially since I had been praying for God to block my husband from any divorce steps, but thought that this was God’s will. I finally got the strength to hire an attorney and did the initial filing, which my husband signed the waiver to be served. This is where I stopped because the Holy Spirit’s conviction was enough for me to know I couldn’t go through with it. I had the divorce officially dismissed and began standing firm in prayer, fighting for my marriage on my knees.
I think your recommendation to slow things down and think twice about reinvesting in your marriage is excellent advice. Satan is out to destroy marriage any way he can, and it really is a spiritual battle. Standing for my marriage is not easy, my husband still won’t communicate with me, but in the process I am developing a closer relationship with my Lord, and am learning so much about forgiveness, unconditional love, faith and trust in God, patience and perseverance, (not easy!), repentance, and just learning to be like Christ. Thank you so much for your website! I know God led me to it.
(USA) My God, I can understand what you are going through. My husband and I are separated also, but I believe in your situation and mine, we need to let God do his work. It’s God’s time. Give things to him, put all your worries and all your pain on his hands. Let him carry that heavy load for you :) but also put all your faith on God. It’s what I’m doing. May God bless and take care of you.
(USA) It’s been about two years since my wife divorced me. I continued to give her money and gifts and take her out; she shows no appreciation for anything I do. I even ask to remarry her and she said no, she wants to travel more and date other men. I am very depressed and brokenhearted; she has since moved out of state but refuses to tell me where.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I am really inspired by your web site and it’s helping me in my marriage that’s close to the end. My wife moved out and is pursuing to find happiness without me in her life. Can you please pray for her so she could slow down and think about her decision on finding happiness alone?
(UNITED STATES) It started 2 yrs ago, I found out my husband was having an affair. We lived together for 3 years before I married him and gave him two wonderful sons. It was difficult and hard because of the arguing and because he lied so much. So we did separate for a few months. And I let him come back. It was a big mistake. He kept to himself. It wasn’t about me anymore. So this past June he moved out. One person can’t make a marriage work.
Just a few weeks ago, even though we’re separated, I came to find out he has gotten a woman pregnant. To remind you, my sons ages are 21 and 18. Before, how I couldn’t wait for them to get older because it was going to be me and the husband time. I was a good wife who was at home with my sons, and I worked.
We haven’t really talked about it. All I know is we’re still married. what do I do? I’m so lost and can’t think.
Kim, It’s more than understandable as to why you feel so lost and can’t think. This is a lot to take in. As for advice, I wish I had a quick and simple way of responding where you could feel better and things would go easier for you. But the best I can do for you is to encourage you to go into the “Surviving Infidelity” topic and read through and pray through the article, “When a Child is Born as a Result of an Affair.” You have a lot to consider and process through. I’m sorry for your pain –truly.
(US) I’ve been married for a little over 4 years and prior to getting married I had an abortion, which my husband didn’t agree on but I did it anyway. Well, he still stuck by my side and decided to have a ceremonial wedding while he was in Japan. I planned our big day, I confessed to what I did, and he told me he forgave me anyhow.
2011 we got married, moved in and we were having sex but not enough. I wouldn’t say anything. He would just say not until you’re ready for a baby, so I took his word! Time passed and I noticed his phone where he was texting a girl from an online dating site. I almost left him, but forgave him. Later we went to counseling and again we talked about the no sex thing and the counselor told asked him, are you punishing your wife by withholding sex cuz sex is part of a marriage and you can’t make your wife have a baby?
Long story short on Thanksgiving my husband tells me he cheated prior to going to Japan and when he told me it made me realize that it was his conscience killing him and all he did was blame me. How dumb of me to think that it was because I had an abortion. If it bothered him that much why did he leave me then? I think he is a coward of a Marine to mentally abuse me and I feel this year of no sex he’s been getting it elsewhere. Should this be a divorce or should I think about it before filing?
(USA) After 16 years of beautiful marriage, my husband decided to get a divorce. He started talking to his high school sweet heart thru face book 6 months ago. He became cold and bitter with me. He told me that we had many problems and I have always ignored them. We have 2 beautiful sons, one in college and one in high school. He always told me if he dies his life would be complete and he would never divorce me. He adored me the whole time and we were like romeo and Juliet.
He moved out to his friend’s house yesterday. He left us heart broken and shocked. My son is terribly depressed since we were not expecting him to leave us. He told me that he is depressed and needs space. I have received an email from him stating that he is filing for divorce. We are both educated and very talented. We shared a lot together and did a lot for our kids. My sons are terribly depressed and I am in denial. I told him I did not wish to get divorce and we should see a counselor. He didn’t wish to get help and pushing toward divorce. My family and friends are all in state of shock.
I don’t know what to do. Should I seek a lawyer or wait to see if he will pursue one. I have been talking to my church priest and psychologist. God help me and gives me strength to move forward.