We’re called to live at peace with everyone, including our unbelieving spouses, which can require extra effort on our part,” Ellen says. “We all have to find what works best in our individual situation. There’s no magic formula, but God will help supply the right answers if we ask.”
That said, don’t be afraid to grow. Looking back, I realize my growth has enhanced our marriage and didn’t hinder our relationship, as I originally presumed it would. When I put God first, He changed my heart toward Dean.
Whole Heart
God used Paul’s advice to the Colossians to challenge me: “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men” (3:23). God was asking me to put my whole heart into my marriage —for Him.
Lori, a friend at church, shared with me what God taught her during a difficult period in her marriage. “Regardless of what Steve did or didn’t do, regardless of his salvation status, and regardless of his contribution to the relationship, God expected my best. Marriage isn’t a 50/50 proposition, but rather my giving my 100%.”
Those words have haunted, rebuked, and blessed me many times over the years. She’s right. When I stand before God, I long to hear Him say, “Well done, thou good and faithful wife.” I don’t desire to stand before Him blaming Dean for my shortcomings. “But, God, I didn’t because he didn’t…” Those words won’t carry much weight with the Almighty.
Reasons to Grow
The spiritual condition of my spouse doesn’t change my role except to create a more vital need for obedience to Scripture. As Peter reminds me, the unbeliever will be won over by the behavior —not the words of his believing mate. Even more reason to grow. How an I practice what I do not know? And how can I know unless I grow in my knowledge of God?
Proverbs 31 paints the epitome of a godly woman,yet never states whether her husband practiced faith. With so little revealed about him, I must surmise his spiritual condition held no relevance to her role as a godly wife, nor does my husband’s for me.
So I pass the gauntlet on to you. It’s with love, hope, and prayers I say, “You grow, girl!” Move toward God with passionate fervor. Don’t wait for anyone or anything. May God bless you as you grow in Him!
This article comes from the book: Spiritually Single by Jeri Odell. It was published by Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City, Missouri. Jeri Odell has been married for 34 years and has persevered alone in her Christian walk for nearly 29 of those years.
-ALSO-
The following web site article links are provided to help you further as you strive to live with your unbelieving spouse. Please click onto the link below to read:
• HOW SPIRITUALLY UNEQUAL MARRIAGES CAN BE WHOLE
-ALSO-
There was a Revive Our Hearts radio broadcast series titled “When He Doesn’t Believe” with Nancy DeMoss who was interviewing Nancy Kennedy, who is married to an unbelieving husband, that you might find especially helpful. Below are two of the links to the audio and transcripts to this compelling interview. Please click onto the links to listen to and/or read:
If you would like to obtain the book that Nancy Kennedy wrote, that was being discussed throughout these interviews, please click onto the link provided below:
If you have additional tips you can share to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Spiritual Matters Unbelieving Spouse
(AUSTRALIA) Hi, I have been married for 25 years of which the last 15 I have been a Christian. So much has happened over these last years and recently my husband and I separated because of our communication breakdown. I thought that was the only answer at the time.
I realize that if I had been looking totally to God working in me instead of wanting my husband to understand me, things would probably have not gone this far. We would still both like the marriage to work but do not want to go through the junk we have been through again. My husband does not have a hope in how it could change and has no desire to look to God for help. I don’t personally know anyone who has a positive unequally yoked relationship. I just don’t want to give up on my marriage. Any comments?
(USA) Try the book “My Beloved Unbeliever”. It has helped me in my unequally yoked marriage. It gave me a lot of insight on how to show in my actions that I am a believer without using my words. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers.
(NIGERIA) I believe God wants me to show love and obedience to my husband, but when I marry a man who does not share the same faith, does not show love, in fact he is not faithful to the marriage and ends up taking another woman (his faith allows him), what is the way forward?
The way forward my friend in Nigeria is to read the book of Matthew then look at the passage in Matthew about adultery and pray and obey the provision our Savior has given.
(SOUTH AFRICA) My husband refuses to follow Jesus. I have been praying for years (we are married 9 years already). I have been born again for 7 years and he is very abusive to me (both physically and verbally). I try to protect the children by telling them I fell after he hit me during the night. I believe he will be saved one day but he believes his parents are right when they call me crazy because I live according to the Bible. Please help me pray for our marriage and strength for me to continue to fight a good fight to the glory of the Lord.
(AUSTRALIA) To Tracey: I share your pain. It is now almost one year since your post. Can you give some feedback?
To Mony: God is the only one that can answer your question. He will answer your prayers, but be prepared that it may not be in the way that you want it to be. I once asked God if I could leave my husband because it was just so hard being in a marriage with an unbelieving husband and my answer was a definite NO. However, He does not have a standard answer to the same question. He is a living God that interacts with individuals. Keep praying, I will also pray for you.
To Cheryl: Leviticus 19:11 “Do not steal. Do not lie. Do not deceive one another.” Do not lie to your children, they know the truth. Please read the article on living in abusive relationships.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi Cheryl, I really think you should physically separate yourself from a man who is physically abusing you. It does more bad than good to your children to stay in such a situation. I am not saying get divorced, but I am definitely saying please, for the sake of your children, remove your children from this situation.
Please watch the movie “For Coloured Girls.” It is dangerous, very dangerous, and exposing your children to that could lead them to believe that that is normal, the way things are supposed to be. When you’ve removed yourself and your kids from the situation, I am sure you will still be able to pray for your husband and for your marriage, and it will give you perspective. Please reply if you need help.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi there, I have been married for 38 years of which most of the time I have been in a verbal and emotionally abusive relationship. I am saved but my husband is not. He does not even go to church. He says he is happy but he has not touched me in 12 years. He does not tell me anything. We only talk when necessary. I find it hard to stay in this loveless, abusive relationship. At the moment he is cross with me because I called him a miser. He gives me no money. I have a very part time job and with that money I have to pay for petrol, cellphone, clothes, church, entertainment, presents. He pays for the food, light and water, house is paid for. He earns a very good salary and gets two bonuses a year and does not give me one cent. How do I get past this resentment I feel for him for his abuse towards me?
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi,my husband and I have been together nearly 10 yrs, married the last 6 yrs. He is of Islamic faith. I grew up in a Christian home, and have accepted Christ as my Saviour just over 2 yrs ago. My husband is abusive as a result of drug addiction. The closer my walk with the Lord becomes the more my husband wants me to become Muslim, even though he is not practicing his religion.
I have wanted to leave numerous times but in my spirit I have never felt that it is the right thing to do. I’m always reminded of how God feels about divorce and in my heart I have always believed that God would bring restoration. Since I’ve started with my walk I have abstained from many things from my past because I have felt in my spirit that it was the right thing to do. But I’ve never had this same certainty about leaving my husband.
Some of my Christian friends have told me that I should leave, even the Reverend that married us said that I should leave. Why then do I feel this way? Why whenever I say “Lord I”m done, this is it” does he speak to my heart and show me why I should not and gives me visions of my husband praising and worshipping with me. (I’ve had this vision since I became saved and didn’t know about my husband’s addiction.)
What do I do? I have two daughters that I want to grow up to know Jesus Christ but it’s so difficult when you’re being persecuted by your own husband.
(USA) Oh Anne, I can understand your struggle with your husband’s unbelief. The Bible does say “Do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see if they are from God.” Please be aware that the enemy could also be at work here. I too am “Spiritually single.” We have been married 10 years and we have two beautiful children. I love my husband but my Heavenly Father has entrusted them to me while they are still young, and vulnerable.
My opinion is this: Pray, pray, pray for God to slap you in the face with His will for you and your children!!! I know it sounds funny but so many things can cloud our minds that sometimes God has to really wake us up! You are responsible for those children to be “trained up in the way that they should go so that when they are grown they will not go astray.” That’s a passage from the KJV as well. I promise to pray for you and those precious children. I will also pray for your spouse. Love to all of you, from our home to yours:)
(USA) The Bible says that if an unbeliever will have us we are to stay with them. The time you should get away however, is if he becomes abusive against you and your children and your lives are in danger. 1 Corinthians 7:12-15.
12To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
15But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?
I am in a similar situation though my husband claims to believe in God, however even the devil believes that God exists. I am constantly scolded by my husband for doing things unto God, ministering, praying, rebuking demons, giving money even in small amounts, watching Christian evangelism shows, talking with Christian friends online, laying down tracts to minister the gospel, he complains about me using the gas in the car to pick up church friends to go out or to go to church events at times.
He and I sit in the same room and he listens to heavy metal, ugly, rebellious music from bands that often practice satanism and witchcraft and I am listening at the same time to Christian music in the same room. In his current state the devil is using Him against me and I am very empty inside in my marriage because of it. I too have had to guard and ask others to pray against a spirit of bitterness, and have often wished that my husband would just decide to leave me. It feels more like bondage and that I am often not able to do God’s will in my life because of my husband or that my husband yells at me for doing it. I feel like my husband is only one salvation and one man, but that I could go and minister to many more without him weighing me down. He has no interest in serving God at all. He doesn’t want to be bothered with it.
I too have been praying for years and have felt the same way you do that the Lord is saying stay, though I sometimes beg the Lord that if it is his will that my husband just let me go. Who is to know the Lords will day by day? But right now He is saying stay.
In your situation though sis, I am also sensing the Lord telling you to stay in this one and keep showing a Christian attitude and bravery and strength and gentleness and faith in the Lord. But keep listening… if it gets violent and you are in danger, ask the Lord what to do next and to deliver you.
(USA) Been married for 20 yrs. Marriage is holding on by a very thin thread, which is unraveling at both ends. He says my language communication sounds very offensive. It’s usually when I ask him about the financial situation and then he goes irate. I am not on the bank account so I don’t know.
Another scenerio is when the discussion is spending time together for an evening out, or even lunch. He continues to tell me that I have a knack for bad timing to discuss such things (and/or) I do not come across with my communication in a positive, loving way. I just don’t think he wants to talk to me or give up any financial information. I don’t cuss or yell, just ask.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Thank you God’s Child for the encouragement as well as the prayers. My husband’s family has finally acknowledged his addiction, but feels like its “too little too late,” although I know that God will have the last say. I pray that God may Bless and Guide you so that you may continue to be a blessing to others in need.
(USA) I don’t even know where to begin, so I will begin from the beginning with a little background. I love my husband with all my heart, so much so I have been tormented for years about what to do. It all began 12 years ago when I met him. I recently got divorced and moved into my own place. He lived next to me and was very attractive but also very kind. I fell hard for him. I lent him money (which I never got back), a car (which was stolen or not returned home for days at a time). I was very naive… didn’t realize what was going on.
For about 2 years this went on. One day I decided to pick up and move to another state, thinking if we moved together things would get better. I wasn’t sure if he was cheating or doing drugs but I thought I could “fix him”. So we moved away from everyone and everything I know including a good job!
While we were in our new state, the same thing started happening only a few days after we got there. Wow, my heart was heavy. I was stuck in a motel with no money and nowhere to turn. I didn’t want to call my family because they hated him so much! One day he took me out to dinner and told me he had a drug habit. I thought that was his way of telling me he needed help. So I decided to stay and pray.
About 6 months later, things got really bad so I went home to my family but missed him like crazy so I went back to him about 2 weeks later. Things really began to fall apart, my car got repo’d and we were about to lose our place to live. My family came to pick us up. Because of their love for me, they allowed him to come back.
For the next 2 years, he was on drugs for a few months, off drugs and hardworking for a few months. Then he was clean for about a year. I got pregnant and he began his drug habit again. So I decided to move far away from him shortly after I delivered. I was living a decent life. I bought my own place, loved my church family, got saved, stopped cussing-the works. This was about 2 years.
Then 1 day, he wrote me a very long letter telling me how he felt and how sorry he was for ever hurting me… before this, he never wrote me a letter, not once. So I decided maybe things would be ok. He was in jail for a year, so I figured getting him into church would help him stay off drugs. He came here and for 2 years (yes I said 2 years), he went to church faithfully! Whenever the doors were open, he went. We got married shortly after. If I didn’t feel like going, he reminded me I needed to. Things were still good.
Then 1 day, don’t know what happened… he turned to drugs and alcohol again. So I left him again. He doesn’t live far from me but the torment I feel. I love him so much and want so much for us to be a family-not just for me but for the kids… but they should not see him like this or see us fighting and arguing all the time. We have lived separated for about 6 months now… seeing each other only a few minutes once or twice a week. He refuses to help me with the kids because “if he can’t have all, he wants nothing”.
He hates my family. We agree about NOTHING! He asked for a divorce but hasn’t pursued it. I pray about what to do and just when I think it is ok to leave, I read something in the Bible or hear something that tells me to stay. Just when I think I should stay and let God work, I read or hear something that tells me I need to leave.
I know God isn’t the author of confusion and that it is satan doing his work, but I am SOOOOO confused and don’t know which way to go. I do know that I love my God and my children and don’t want to let anyone hinder that! I miss who I became when I first moved here… I have backslidden and am trying to get back to where I was but it is so hard when your husband (the one that is supposed to love you and support you) tells you that you are nothing but a hypocrite! Help!
(SOUTH AFRICA) Go onto the site of firesprings ministry.elisha goodman, he teaches people how to become prayer warriors and get their lives back in order with prayer bullets at the midnite hour.
There are prayer for salvation for your husband, how to put the honey back into your marriage, and how to live a victorious Christian life. The Holy Spirit led me to this site. God bless you
(USA) You are enabling him… He is using and abusing you and having a field day doing it. Here is a good truth speaking article of what the word of God says about remarriage. According to the word of God, what we call remarriage in cases of divorce, is adultery. And to remain in that second “marriage” is still adultery. The Lord does not consider the second vow when he is still holding you to the first. The exception is the natural or accidental death of a spouse. Widows are allowed to remarry.
The Lord forgave the adultress but he also said “go and sin no more, meaning do not any longer sin with that man who is not your husband.” Here is the link to the artice and an excerpt from it. Following the commandments of God is not being pharisaical. In fact as it says in this article, Jesus rebuked the pharisees for following the “traditions of men” rather than the commandment of God.
Just like homosexual marriage laws now being made. A piece of paper does not mean they are married in God’s eyes because God is not honoring that union. The Lord is our husband. In cases of necessary separation and divorce we should not remarry unless the other is an unbeliever and choses the divorce, or unless the spouse has passed away. I always say I am married to the Lord. I need to honor the Lord first and formost in all things. Honoring his commandments always brings blessing.
So according to the Bible, this second marriage is adultery in the first place. The vow may have been made unto men but God is still holding the first one in his hands and we can recieve forgiveness for the adultery but the first marriage vow is still there. This is why God says to be very careful when we make vows unto God and aside from marriage and dedication to the Lord we are not to speak in vows.
http://www.biblicalresearchreports.com/divorceandremarriage.php#divorcedbeforechristians
The question is sometimes asked, “What about the vow that the remarried couple has made?” God has told us that we are to keep the vows that we make. The first marriage vow is still in effect and they are still obligated to fulfill that vow. Making a second vow does not nullify the first vow. A person cannot have two covenants in effect at the same time that promises the same thing to two different people. The vow that a person makes in a remarrage situation will never nullify the way God’s law applies to his life. If we say that a remarried couple should continue to live together and have sexual relations together because of their marriage vows in the remarriage, then we are saying that their remarriage vows have precedence over God’s law. God’s law about divorce and remarriage no longer applies to them. This is wrong.
The Pharisees used this same line of reasoning, that making a vow changed what God says is sin in the issue of Corban in Mark 7:9-13. “And he said unto them, Full well ye reject the commandment of God, that ye may keep your own tradition. 10 For Moses said, Honour thy father and thy mother; and, Whoso curseth father or mother, let him die the death: 11 But ye say, If a man shall say to his father or mother, It is Corban, that is to say, a gift, by whatsoever thou mightest be profited by me; he shall be free. 12 And ye suffer him no more to do ought for his father or his mother; 13 Making the word of God of none effect through your tradition, which ye have delivered: and many such like things do ye.” The Pharisees said a man no longer had to follow God’s law in honoring his parents by supporting them in their old age if he made the vow of Corban. Jesus rebuked the Pharisees for this teaching because they were nullifying God’s law. Jesus told them that they made the Word of God of no effect through their tradition (see v.13)
In remarriage the marriage vows that a man and woman make, does not nullify what Jesus said that whoever marries a divorced person commits adultery. The marriage vow cannot nullify the sin of adultery in remarriage. If it did it would supersede God’s Law.
The marriage vow of Herod and Herodias did not supersede God’s law that a man was not to marry his brother’s wife. John the Baptist spoke out strongly after their marriage that it was sin, and indicated that the marriage needed to end. Even though Herodias had divorced her husband and made other marriage vows, the second marriage was sin.
(SOUTH KOREA) Wow! I must first say it is so encouraging to find other women who love the Lord and are seeking to do His will going through this, why? Well, it’s because the Enemy of our souls just loves to keep us in the mindset that we are the only one going through this and no one can understand. But oh how Im finding GOD does!
I have been married 14 1/2 years, have 2 children. I gave my life to Christ at 9 years old, but by my teen years I was very much into the world. I married an unbeliever, not really ever thinking or acknowledging that this was not God’s will for my life. I was really stubborn and set on marrying and doing as I set my mind to.
VERY FOOLISH, looking back on that choice- not that GOD is not able to work out His greater purposes but WE make really foolish choices and when the consequences fall we are dumbfounded as to why it has come to this. Now, understand I am speaking on what I have experienced and based on God’s Word when we choose to disobey God’s commands-you can expect consequences to fall.
And after many different issues in my marriage, adultery, child born out of wedlock, financial issues, God began to show me through His word that yes -He is a God of Sovereignty and is able to do great things in my loved ones. I needed to confess, and repent for my own disobedience. I cannot change my spouse’s choices nor his choice now to live without Christ, but I can do what God has called me to do and that is to stand firm in my home. I only recently have gotten to the place where I truly don’t have-not for another day nor hour, to try in my own strength to be the wife God calls me to be. But thank you Lord for 2 Corinthians 12:9. God grace is sufficient for me, it is made perfect in my weakness.
My spouse has fallen into an occult in which they teach a doctrine that they themselves are gods, and that Christ is not God. I can recall how at times in my marriage -when I still was placing my spouse as an idol before the Lord, I would conform to the ways he liked me to be. Knowing all the while it was never enough, knowing all the while I could never be his everything nor can I be his everything.
Gods Word says, We are to love the Lord GOD with all your heart, all your strength, and all your soul. Deuteronomy 6:5
God literally, tore down the “alter” I built to my spouse and had to bring to a place of repentance and utter brokeness and forgiveness to then begin to rebuild on the solid foundation that is CHRIST.
I sought wisdom from pastor and elders, but ultimately the wisdom we need to be seeking is from Gods Word. He alone is the true authority, and though people have opinions on what we can do with our situation-only GOD can speak to our heart and through the guidance of the Holy Spirit show you the path to take.
I had many “Christian” friends tell me to leave him, that it was all scriptural-however, not one challenged me to get before the Lord and seek His will for this situation. If GOD is truly GOD nothing is immpossible for Him. He loves our families and sees our broken homes and lives and desires to restore and rebuild-but in seeking Him be sure that He will deal with you first. I am seeing that, that process will last until I walk into enternity. Let him show you -YOU, the Word is a mirror truly showing us our true selves. He wants to make us more each day like His Son. I know GOD will do His will for my home and marriage, I just want to be submissive and yielding to the way and time in which He choses to do it.
He desires oneness with us- for us to know Him more and and draw near to our heavenly father. Sometimes, He will use that suffering in our life to refine us and grow us, not because we sinned but because we would have never come to utterly place our whole weight down upon HIM and His Word -if we lived a contented life without trials and storms.
I rededicated my life to Christ in 2010, after being on the fence about a lot of things. But God is faithful, and I trust Him. My spouse is lost, but I trust in My Lord to do what man says is impossible! He can give sight to the blind, the lame can walk, and those in chains are freed.
Be encouraged Ladies, our GOD is awesome! He can take the wreck we made of our life and turn it into a testimony to the gospel of Gods grace! What freedom in that! He can do amazing things in and through a life yielded to Him and He will get ALL the glory and honor. Thank you for taking time to read and God Bless You!
(USA) Amen sister, be encouraged. The Lord will protect you because you do what is right. Be blessed in Christ… in Jesus name, Amen.
(UK) Dear Rhiannon, I was truly encouraged by your words. I pray that God will heal your marriage and that your husband will turn to Christ. May the Lord give you perseverance to keep on praying for him. As you wrote, God can give sight to the blind…let’s persevere in hope, hope which comes from God.
(UNITED STATES) Rhiannon, my heart aches for you. I too knowingly married an unsaved man, when I wasn’t walking closely with the Lord. In fact I was pretty far away from Him, though I know He was always near me.
We’ve been married 25 years now, and I can see glimpses of his heart softening. I used to be so afraid he’d leave me if I got too close to God, and so I wouldn’t let myself grow. I’d made my husband & our marriage an idol. Just before Valentine’s Day I came across an article that confirmed my fear was real, that many spiritually single spouses feel this too. The article encouraged being honest with your spouse about the fear of losing him/her, and why. So, I wrote my dear hubby a Valentine’s Day note, expressing my love for him, my fear of losing him, and my respect for where he is spiritually. I also apologized to him for the times I’d been preachy, self-righteous & prudish, that is not how a wife should behave.
He hasn’t said anything about the note (other than he found it 11 days after I’d placed it in his laptop for work, go figure), but I’ve given the whole situation to God to work out in His way, in His time. It’s probably going to take a crisis, and I actually look forward to whatever that is. It’ll test my faith & my witness, but as you said His grace is sufficient for us, and that He is strong in our weakness.
God be with you, Rhiannon, and with all of you. Have a blessed weekend, and year!
(USA) I am currently engaged to an unbeliever. When we met we were both Christians. He was a very strong Christian. He actually built me up so much in my faith and made me a better person and follower of Christ. We’ve only been engaged about two months. I knew the proposal was coming because we had been talking about it for some time. One night he came over to my house and asked me to come outside. I thought he was going to propose but instead he told me that he was seriously doubting his faith and feared that eventually he may not be a Christian anymore.
I was so shocked I didn’t really know what to say. I tried to convince him that it was satan putting the doubts in his mind and it will pass eventually. I tried to minister to him but it’s difficult to minister to someone who knows tons more about the Bible than you do. He says that he pretty much doesn’t believe anymore but is still hopeful that there is a God.
He has a very logical mind. He is a science major in college and has a hard time putting all his faith in something blindly without any hard evidence that God exists. I feel for him to believe he would have to see a miracle that defies all science but those are hard to come across. I decided to stay with him and a few weeks after he told me he proposed but I am really scared. I worry about him constantly because if something ever happened to him I don’t know if I could handle not knowing for sure if he is in heaven. I wouldn’t have the comfort of knowing if I would ever see him again.
I also worry about when we have kids. I, of course, want to raise them Christian and he agrees that he wants that too but I don’t want him to feel like he’s lying to them and I worry how it would challenge their faith if they ever found out he wasn’t a Christian. I promised him I wouldn’t tell anyone about it but that leaves me in a difficult situation because I just really need guidence but have no one to talk to, so please, if anyone has any advice it would mean the world to me.
(UNITED STATES) God specifically calls Christians to marry only Christians. He says that you will be unequally “yoked”. I wasn’t a Christian when I married my husband of now 13 years. I became a Christian 1 year later. I love my husband with all of my heart, but if I had to do it over, I would do it God’s way. I learned a long time ago not to make my husband’s relationship with God an idol in my life, but I have wanted him to come to know the Lord for so long.
We are so “unequally yoked”. He watches stuff on tv that I feel convicted about, but he doesn’t, so it affects our children. We argue about what to teach them and how to discipline them. I love the Lord with all of my heart, and he doesn’t. Enough said!!! O NOT MARRY AN UNBELIEVER. YOU WILL REGRET IT. DO IT GOD’S WAY, AND HE WILL BLESS YOU. Think about all the things he gave up for you, even his own life. It is not much for him to ask you to obey him when choosing your life partner. He made the perfect person just for you, and you are going to miss it if you do it the world’s way.
(USA) I have a question. I tried to get along with my husband but I cannot any longer. He aruges with me everyday(for 8 yrs now, but lies started from day one). He drinks and lies and does drugs and he really don’t believe in God. He never supported me in no way ever; the only reason I married him is because we have a child together, but now my son is 21 and we have been married for 13 years..I live by the Torah, and he doesn’t, I am very sick today but he doesn’t care. So my question is can I get a divorce from him? Peole have told me yes but I could never remarry until he dies, but to tell you the truth I will never remarry again. I don’t trust anyone anymore. It’s always good at first then goes down hill from that first year. I don’t feel that he and I should be together anymore.
(AUSTRALIA) Please help! I grew up in a Christian home and fell in love with The Lord as a teenage girl. I finished school at 16, moved in with friends and backslid. I ended up in bed with a non believer. We stayed together as I felt guilty to leave and felt that I had already joined myself to him because I slept with him. I loved him also but I knew we were not compatible and I felt that he wasn’t the right person for me.
We both went back to church three years later and he said he believed in God, but he has never fallen in love with God or had an intimate relationship with him. He never actively pursued God or his word or his ways. He just followed as I led and sometimes dragged him along. Back at church we were pressured into marriage. We were living together “in sin”… so at 19 I married him.
Before we got married I was so anxious. It felt wrong and I didn’t feel right. I didn’t feel he was the right person for me. I knew we were incompatible but I was decieved into thinking that God wanted me to marry him because I had slept with him and that it was “the right Christian thing to do”. We have been married for nearly three years- I am now 22 and he is 26, and I still feel the same. I don’t feel that we are compatible, I don’t feel “in love” with him. I’m not physically attracted to him. He doesn’t give me butterflies or make me happy. I have put 100% into this marriage and sacrificed everything of myself… I have given up my hopes and dreams for life in order to support him and encourage him in life.
Every day I work so hard to show love and respect to him. I lay down my feelings and put them aside and choose to love him. But he is still the same, if not worse. He doesn’t want to go to church, his heart hasn’t softened to God, he’s angry and nasty and selfish and rude and sinful and doesn’t show me love or appreciation or cherish me. I still care for him and don’t want him to be hurt but I can’t live like this anymore. I understand that I made a stupid decision and that I must live with the consequences but I was only a child- 16 years old and 19 when I married him.
My parents were so disappointed for me because they knew he wouldn’t make me happy. I thought I was pleasing and serving God by choosing to marry him but I feel like I have traded in all my hopes and dreams and happiness and that my whole life revolves around him. I support him, I support his family, financially and emotionally. I am cool and clean. I give him my body when I don’t want to, I lay my expectations and emotional needs aside and focus on showing HIM love.
When am I going to get something back? I need to be loved too- I need support. And I should get it from my husband- yes, I have God but this relationship has to be a two way street because I cannot work this hard forever- I will break. I can’t always be the strong one. When I try to talk to him he doesn’t care or listen- he is too caught up in his life and his feelings and his issues. He doesn’t care about working on a marriage- he seems to think it will work itself out.
I am the only one working… I’m about to break. I’m dying inside- my heart feels as if it is hardening. I’m sick of the heartbreak. Sometimes I feel like I should serve God by loving my husband but the more I try and love him- the more I sacrifice -the more I lose of myself and the more torn I am between God and my husband. I just feel like running away… I would rather do it now while I’m still young than live a lifetime of this hurt. Please help.
(USA) Dear Sarah, I hear your pain. I first want to say, I’m sorry for what you are facing. And I want to encourage you by saying every prayer and every tear God has heard and seen. God has great plans for you FOR GOOD (Jeremiah 29:11), and He does work ALL things for good. Though you feel you made a mistake when you married your unbelieving husband, God already knew you would marry Him. He is all knowing.
I’m going to encourage you to no longer consider the marriage a ‘mistake’ but begin to speak life. The enemy knows how bad this situation is hurting you, and if you continue speaking death you will only become in a deeper bondage. Continue to pray for your husband. Continue serving as unto The Lord, even if it’s extremely hard at times. And begin to say constantly “Thank You God, I know you are moving on my behalf, though I cannot see it yet in the natural, You love me and are moving on my behalf. Thank You for loving my husband. He is a soul and just as much as you love me You also love Him. Give me Your eyes Lord so that I can begin to see Him the way You do.”
Continue to fight the good fight, though you are young, if you continue to lean on Christ He WILL give you the strength and desire to battle. I pray in Jesus name, dear friend, that Jesus would have His way in Your life and that you would be filled to overflowing today with His presence. That this circumstance would be a testimony and useful to women world wide. Let this experience mold you and perfect you. Be strong and courageous. Blessings and prayers for you my lovely sister.
Dear Sarah, God bless you for your letter. Your case is almost identical to mine. The difference is you seem much more pure and prone to sacrifice – which is really Christ-like quality. Stay strong on it really. I mean, on words we, all Christians, declare how we want to be all Christ-like, but he was willing to die for the world, for the sinful, ugly, not loving, undeserving, who treated Him badly for no reason! It is our chance, because it would be easy in our flesh for us to be Christ-like if we are surrounded with perfect unions, godly parents, godly church, godly husband etc. I mean – we are where we are and Christ and His Spirit and His way is our only solution. And He is backing us up.
I am 46 now, I married my husband 5 years ago, we were dating 1 year. I left the church a year before I met him, and it was indeed a right thing to do since the church leader was preaching heavily about God’s sovereignity in choosing people either for Himself or for eternal separation/damnation/hell or whatever. I would have stayed in church if there had been real brotherhood, freedom of opinions while we were growing up spiritually etc. but it was all very controlled and manipulative. You were either complying and obedient or you were gone. I left before I was kicked out. And I would most certainly be kicked out, because I acquired a new belief, Bible based, OF THAT I am sure and that is Christian universalism, I emphasize Christian, based on Christ and His finished work of saving the WORLD (everybody in his time).
So in that state of mind, and still full of faith and joy, I met my husband. I was never in love, and very soon driven by guilt, because we slept together etc. He turned out to be very harsh, controlling, violent in words (once he even hit me), he puts me down etc. He was never like that when we dated, so in a way I feel cheated, plainly tricked into believing that he’s something, which is not. My only oasis is God’s word, early in the morning I pray, study, God is showing me wonderful things in His word because His word is my primary passion.
But with my husband I don’t have any thing in common. We never had. I don’t want to complain here about him. I’m aware he cannot be different. Our only solution and rescue is in His arms. He’ll never leave us or forsake us. There is a plan. I will repeat: we all want to be Christ-like but when it’s time to suffer as righteous – we step back. I don’t want to suffer. I want out. Still I haven’t make decision. I feel I’m doomed if I go, and doomed if I stay. Like there is no way out for me. I feel like I will be having guilt trips in either case. I will stay put until God shows me clear path.
I pray for you, and me and for every woman here to be open to His spirit to lead us, confort us, to carry us. We should all have our hearts prepared to suffer gladly as righetous. I know it’s heartbreaking, because we all had dreams to suffer for Christ in the world, but having our homes as oasis. I’m hurting because it is not so. But the solution is Him only :-)
(UNITED STATES) My husband and I live with my mother in law and my sister in law. I feel uncomfortable and disrespected when my sister in law sometimes walk around the house showing her underwear, wearing a tee shirt and underwear only. I told my husband how I feel about it but apparently he feels like there is nothing wrong with it.