The following was written by Dr. Lynn Weiss. She was asked the following questions concerning a spouse who has an awful temper:
QUESTION:
My spouse has an awful temper but blames me for causing it. What can I do to avoid triggering it? Is there anything I can do to take the steam out of his temper if he won’t work on it?
ANSWER:
When you two are in a calm mood, ask him what hurt him. Then, practice saying things in a matter-of-fact way. Know, however, that he needs to take responsibility for his display of temper.
Do not reinforce his temper. When he blasts off, do not argue. The most you want to say is, “I’ll talk with you when you’re calm.” You may need to wait until he is calm to say this.
Most people with tempers will display just as much temper as they can get away with. So, if you don’t like the temper outbursts, tell him you are simply unwilling to put up with them. Tell him what will happen when he allows his temper to get out of control. You might say, “When you yell, I’m going to leave the house. I’ll return when you speak in a normal voice.” Then you must be willing to follow through. You will find that you can set the limit anywhere you want and, if you mean it, the person will adjust his behavior.
Dr Weiss also addresses the issue of controlling your own temper. The following is advice she’s written to help you with this problem:
GETTING YOUR TEMPER UNDER CONTROL:
The earlier temper control is begun, the easier it is to effect alternative ways for its management. A temper is something that lives only through reinforcement. It can be controlled in the child if the child is taught to find other means to get his or her needs met. But, because that rarely happens, let’s pick up on the adult level, learning how to break the temper cycle.
Temper gets a particular hold those with ADD [Attention Deficit Disorder] because of the tendency for emotional flooding to occur.
So, here are some tips:
• Never try to deal with a temper when it is active.
• Make plans when all is calm, cool, and collected.
• Acknowledge that you have a temper.
• Forget the business of blaming others. Someone cutting in front of you on the freeway may have triggered your anxiety, surprised you, or frightened you, but your reaction is your responsibility.
• You must realize that there are other ways to react to the stress. And with your willingness, you can learn alternatives that work particularly well for you in dealing with family and work settings, the places where temper is most likely to work against you.
1) Decide on a signal that means it’s time to stop whatever is going on.
In our house, it’s the “time out” sign used in sports. Anyone in the family can use it and we automatically stop—no questions asked. The questions can come later. This time-out breaks into the flooding and stops the emotions from taking over.
Tell your partner, “I’m going to read for a while.” If others are around, tell them you’ll be back in a little while. Go to the store for milk if you have to. If it is your partner who’s having the trouble, be nonchalant with other people and just say, “He’s taking a break.”
2) Identify the feeling underlying the anger. “I feel helpless in this situation.” — “I felt frightened when that car pulled out in front of me.” — “I feel put down by you.”
Be honest. It may be hard at first, but pays off once you’ve learned to do it. Start by making the statements to yourself, if it’s too difficult to do so with others initially.
3) Ask yourself two simple questions: “What do I need to feel better or become a winner here? How can I get it?”
4) Promise yourself that you will continue to work to get what you want without throwing a temper tantrum.
5) Congratulate yourself on a job well done.
You’ll be surprised how quickly you can break the temper cycle by following these steps. It is not a long, trying process—unless someone around you enables you to continue with your temper or even cultivates it by reinforcing it. They do you no favor but probably don’t know any better, so you might as well make up your mind to open up alternatives in spite of them.
QUESTION:
I used to have a temper but it is much better now that I’ve been working on it. My husband still reacts as if I have one though. How can I get him to stop?
ANSWER:
Ask him, “What will it take to get you to relax? I’ve changed and I need you to catch up with my changes.” Do realize, though, that it may take several months for him to catch up. It won’t happen all in one day, either. So some patience on your part is wise.
QUESTION:
Are there certain circumstances when a person’s temper will be more likely to erupt even after control measures have been learned?
ANSWER:
Tiredness is the biggest culprit I know. Also, keep track of the amount of stress that you are under. Times of change are high stress times and likely circumstances for an explosion.
[Marriage Missions Editor’s Note: Keep in mind that if you’re too busy to be kind —you’re too busy. You need to look to see what life style choices can be made so this stressful time can be defused in such a way that you’re able to approach life as marital partners —not enemies. Your spouse is not to be treated as the enemy.
“Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not pay evil with evil or insult with insult , but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. For, whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it “ (1 Peter 3:8-11).]
The above article came from the writings of Dr Lynn Weiss in her secular book, Attention Deficit Disorder in Adults: A Different Way of Thinking
Filed under: Abuse in Marriage Communication and Conflict
I have been married to my husband for almost 5 yrs and he gets so upset at anything anymore and takes it out on me, our 5 yr old and 9 yr old. We all have been walking on egg shells around the house for over 4 months. I have tried everything; I even left my house for the day and still when I walked through the door he is still raging and saying it’s all my fault.
I don’t see how we have a 99 blazer that broke down and then 2 hrs later my 01 pt cruiser just stopped running so we’re out of cars but it’s my fault. He calls me names, calls me stupid and gets up in my face. I love him and he has never been this mean but he just keeps getting worse. I don’t want my kids to live like this but at the same time both kids want us to stay together so now I don’t know what to do.
I ask him to go talk to someone but he won’t. He is even being very mean at work and yelling at his boss. He is the only one bringing any income into this house so if he gets fired we lose it all. Does anyone have any ideas cause I’m lost and I’m almost to the point of taking my kids and disappearing.
I respectfully, have to disagree with Dr. Weiss on step three with some individuals. My partner often lets her temper get out of control, it seems like one thing happens, then another, and then absolutely anything next will set her off. The reason why I disagree with asking one’s self, “What do I need to feel better or become a winner and how can I get it?” is because this can still cause the anger to perpetuate in these situations, as they still often get results. What I mean is that getting angry often gets the results from the other person in the relationship, and the quest for peace and prevention of escalation from the other person often makes the angry person the winner in the argument. I believe in this situation it is the result of years of effective use of anger in getting what the individual would like, stemming back to their childhood.
Furthermore, asking these questions reinforces “the blaming of others” that Dr. Weiss also mentions. What do I need to feel better? For Tom to stop leaving the sink dirty. For Jane to just listen to me when I tell her what to do. And so on. How do I become the winner? Be louder, more intense, make the issue I am talking about seem worse. Tell myself that its worse. Believe it. Use ultimatums if anger is not enough. Be threatening. Cut them down. These become subconscious responses after anger and temper have taken hold, because “winning” and blaming for many people with temper issues becomes more important than the issue itself.
I don’t know if this thread is still active or not anymore. I’m just feeling so depressed now. But first of all I’d like everyone to please excuse my English; it is not good as it’s not my first language. I have a boyfriend, 10 years my junior. He is 23 and really has a short temper and very hot headed. Our relationship at the moment is not good and he always blames me for it.
I want us to talk about it calmly on how to save our relationship but he is always angry, every time I ask him if we could talk he will just say F* YOU! He is verbally abusive, calling me whore, slut, ugly, liar, etc. And he also says he wishes me cancer or to die because he says I deserve it. He also accuses me of putting my family on my list first and him last. He doesn’t even understand that sometimes I have to help my family too. When my family needs my presence he doesn’t understand it, so he said I am always putting him last. He even said the F word to my family like saying F* YOUR DAD FOR RAISING A WHORE… it hurts me a lot.
I have asked him many times if he wants this relationship anymore but he always says he wants it but will always add that it’s my fault why it became like this. I don’t know what to do. Please advise me. I don’t know why I still love him despite of everything. Advise me please. Should I still hold on just because I love him so much? Or just walk away from him? Help me.
Joie, Please don’t keep allowing yourself to be disrespected like this. Sadly, so very sadly, it’s obvious that the love you feel is one-sided, and isn’t being returned; instead it’s being delivered back to you in hateful ways. I understand the feelings of love you have and how it can drive a person to accept things we shouldn’t. And you know as well as I do that you shouldn’t allow this type of behavior and words to be pushed at you. There is nothing loving about this at all and nothing that says, “I want to be with you.” It’s hateful, degrading, and full of contempt. I’m so sorry to say this to you –to give voice to what you most likely know in your heart but just don’t want to face.
Please know that this will only get worse. Please read through the “Abuse in Marriage” topic. It IS meant for those who are married, but even so, you can pick up the message of what is written. Please find a way to drag your heart away. I know it will be hard, but it’s better than what you face in the future with this person who obviously is filled with himself and what HE wants, not caring about your needs, wants, and well-being. That is not love on his part. Please stop exposing yourself to this abuse. You are not married. You can walk away and should. And while you still feel “love” for him, it is not healthy love in any way. It will only imprison you in a toxic, unhealthy future.
God loves you Joie. Please cut off this abusive behavior from being able to change your future. Jesus Christ set us free, if we accept it… when we accept Him, and then look to Him to guide us. Please don’t willingly stay in this imprisoning relationship. I can’t say it any other way. You KNOW this. Listen to the wisdom God can give you, that He places within you as you look to Him. He created you for more than this. Get away for your sake, and for your family’s sake. This person wants to isolate you away from them and anyone who will show you love and care. That’s what abusers do. That’s what he is doing. Don’t ask him if he “wants this relationship” … his actions are showing you that he doesn’t. Read them and find and take a way of escape. After the immediate grief you will feel after leaving, you will eventually experience a healthy freedom and will face a brighter future, rather than an abusive one. I hope you will. I pray strength for you and a sense of God’s presence showing you the way to freedom.
(USA) Hi Joie: In my opinion, it’s not worth it. He will never change; as a matter of fact, he will just get worse. You really can’t change a personality trait unless that individual wants to change themselves. It would be wise if you realize now that he will not change and end the relationship before you get married to him. You’ll save yourself a lot of heartache for the years to come if you continue your relationship with him. But ultimately, the decision is yours and God bless you and help you with your decision. Tara
Very helpful suggestions, and yet so simple.
Can my marriage be salvaged? My marriage has not lasted up to one year but I’ve had squabbles of a lifetime. My husband has a temper. He hits me all the time whenever he’s angry. He hits me all through my pregnancy and even while I’m nursing our one month old baby. We’ve grown apart because of this. He never showed any abusive trait when we were courting. He will threaten to throw me out of the house or divorce. What do I do? He believes he’s perfect and everything that has gone wrong are all my faults. He lies and makes me look really bad whenever I take up some issues to a counsellor/mediator.
(USA) I’m on the other side of the coin and have a lot of anger issues. I’ve tried a lot of things in the past to control it and it seems to always tends to blow up in my face. I’ll give you a little back story on myself. I grew up in a strict patriarchal household. My mother’s a God fearing woman and I was raised in the church and grew up close to God. But as I grew older I grew further away from the church and farther from God.
I enlisted in the US Army in 2008 and was injured in garrison (stateside). I ended up being stuck in a physical therapy platoon for around a year and pretty much felt worthless. I was proud to be a soldier and still am. I was Medically Discharged in September of 2009 hurt and broken down and of all things only 19 years old at that time I was lost. I poured years of my life into JROTC in high school preparing for a 20 plus year military career only to be cut short by 19 years. I met my fiancé (yes, it’s a prolonged engagement but we’ll discuss that in a minute) in May 2010 and yes, like I said I have over the years grown far from my Christian values, ended up sleeping with her the first night; I know SINNER, oh well, judge not least ye be judged, and have been with her now for 5 years in May.
During that time we’ve battled drug addiction, homelessness, and the surprise of our son in 201. Through all this I became abusive, something that I thought I would never do. I’ve tried anger management but for some reason there is no warning to when I’m going to explode it just out of no where happens. Like I said I’ve to anger management, tried going to the VA but that just frustrates me more. I want to try to get this all under control but are kinda at the end of my rope. I don’t want my son to grow up seeing me like this and I for dang sure don’t wanna be an abusive monster but I don’t want to go on any kind of mood stabilizing drugs. I’ve tried that before and ended up in the Lexington, Kentucky VA’s looney bin for three days TWICE for attempting to overdose on my prescriptions.
I love her and I love my son but I don’t want to endanger her because of my hot head. I need help badly and don’t want to lose my family over all this. My mother has always told me God gave me this temper and he can take it away. Now that my chances of a military career are over I don’t need to be a furious warrior. I just wanna be a better man and father.ADVICE? HELP?
Hi Todd, First off, let me say thanks for serving our country as you did (and still do in your heart). I wish along with you that you could still be doing that, but sometimes we’re dealt hands that we really didn’t want to have thrown at us. How I pray that you get onto a better side of this. Even if you’re dealt a bad hand, we can still make lemonade out of those lemons, and sometimes, it comes out better than how it would have otherwise. I say sometimes, but inevitably, it’s better to make the best out of a bad situation, than to wallow in the dirt of it all.
Todd, I can tell that you have “hero” written all over you. You are made of good stuff. I can tell within my spirit. It’s just that you had an idea in your head of how that heroic life would be lived out and when you were thrown a curve ball, you haven’t been able to find your footing again. They say that the reason that John Kennedy crashed his plane years ago is because he lost his horizon. He wasn’t instrument trained and when the fog rolled in and he lost his horizon, he got all confused thinking down was up and up was down. He was wrong and he never got a chance to correct that error.
You have that chance. You lost your horizon, so to speak. That which you THOUGHT would happen and would be true didn’t turn out that way, and you are more than a bit lost. I also wonder if you have a bit of PSTD going on. No, you may not have gotten into that state through severe combat, but when this injury happened, it turned your world upside down so that you didn’t know which way to go. You’ve tried different ways to get through it (with all of them failing and making matters all the worse), but I sense that you are coming to a better place in your senses. You know you are doing wrong and you want with all your heart to not do that any more (thus, my recognizing the “hero” in you). Now, you haven’t been acting like a hero at this point, but that’s because you need help to get back to that place.
I recommend that you reach out to an Army chaplain… yes, I know you said you tried the VA. But you need more than just managing your anger, you need to address the underlying issues underneath it. If one Army chaplain doesn’t work, try another. Keep pursuing this. You need to talk to someone who knows their stuff, especially someone with a spiritual background. My husband Steve told me that he has another organization that he thinks you should try, but he needs to hunt up their contact info. I will post it when he finds it. It’s one where vets work with vets and the success rate is supposed to be great.
You need your horizon again; you need help to get the bad stuff out, and help to learn how to manage your anger issues once a lot of the bad stuff is out because THEN I believe you will be able to control it. You’re right, you don’t want to endanger this gal’s life or influence your son in a negative way, but you also need to get your own life onto a better road –the same one the Lord wants you to be on. I pray for you Todd, and for your girlfriend and for your son –that you deal with your issues so you can give them a better life, as you want to, and they need.
My spouse has an ugly temper and I’m not sure what to do anymore. For example if he can’t find something he blames it on me. Also, sometimes, he calls me names and I want this to stop but I’m just not sure on how to do it.
I’m in a marriage where I’m so tired of my husbands temper flare ups. I’m not sure I’m in love with him anymore. He blows up and goes through mood swings terribily. He pouts when things are not going his way. He has abused me physically years ago when he drank; he’s been drink-free now 12 years but his temper still exists. I feel he can’t control the name calling and insults that I can never forget. We have 7 kids together and he’s a sex addict as well. I found pornography on his phone and although he supports his family that feels like this is the only reason why I stay. I feel alone and my kids hear us fight too.
He calls me terrible swear words, and says I’m the physcho one, he has an empty look in his eyes and scares me but I feel I need to say worse things back and love seeing him hurt. I have nobody to talk to. My daughter is 26 and has her own worries and I’m sure she’s sick of hearing me say it’s over. I wish I had the financial means to leave.
I don’t know if he’ll ever change. I feel like a break in our marriage is needed but I have no way to support the kids and I. He’s a Handyman and yet never finishes jobs at home. I’m so unhappy. Hurt and alone; I need advice and help. I wish I could teach him to respect me and control his temper. I can’t and he keeps repeating his outbursts. I don’t trust anyone anymore. Please send prayers and advise if any. Thanks and God bless.
I and my husband fail to communicate with each other in such a way he will end up beating me. If we are arguing and not agreeing with him. Even his family knows that he has a short temper. I Sometimes wish I didn’t get married to him.
Hi. I’ve been married 26 years and I’m a survivor of my husbands emotional and verbally abusive behavior. Of course, I stay unhappy and heartbroken. I have been to counceling in the past. They usually tell me to leave him. I don’t want to leave him. Somehow, I’m still in love with him. At times he acts nicer, while still maintaining emotional distance from me. I recognize Dr. Jekyll & Mr.Hyde behavior.
Also, I have deep inner feelings that I promised, vowed to God, when I married him. He’s a hardworking man. As he says, “he puts a roof over my head.” I’m thankful for his income; he says that I’m not thankful. I actually feel extremely bad that my job doesn’t bring home a good income. I’m a college graduate, who has always worked in my degree field. For 10yrs. I did bring home a higher income, then became a stay at home mom, and have not been able to find a job that pays more than peanuts where we currently live. I’m a hard worker, my job pays peanuts, but a very rewarding, make a difference in lives job.
He keeps me at a distance, no intimacy, no real closeness, refuses to really enjoy, do fun couple/family interactive activities with me, and controls and manipulates me with his anger, he bullys me. He has told me, “The only way to survive this marriage is for me to realize that it’s my fault, that I cause his anger, and I need to learn how to not make him angry.” When I request fun interactive activities with him he calls me a nag. He also refuses to talk to me about his behavior towards me. He says it’s all my fault.
It would be easier for me to stomach his behavior if he would apologize or makeup for his angry outbursts: loud emotional hurtful words, name calling, profanity, expressive door slamming , threats of leaving me, mean hurtful looks and body language, silent treatment, etc… I just want him to stop mistreating me. I love him and greatly desire to feel loved from him. I don’t feel like he loves me anymore because of the years of being on the other end of his anger without any apology or makeup from him. Please help me/us. Do you have and advice?
Teresa I’ve been married to my husband for 33 years. After he came home from the Navy in 1985 each year has become more resentment on his part. When he came back from submarine duty and 956 days under water in the last 3 and a half years or sequestered duty because of the secrecy in what he did in the navy. He came home with the attitude that taking up his life in the Midwest and just pick up where he left off. Under his UAW contract in a big three auto company he was coming back with nine years accrued seniority. The use of that seniority was the sticking point in the area we lived in. It gave him the right to shifts, job choice, vacation slot choice, the right to force lesser seniority to work holidays and weekends if he didn’t want to.
In every community there is a social hierarchy, my husband was never willing to let the society work to ensure him a place where he would not be an instant resistance to those families that were considered the upper tier of society. His father and friend put me on the hot seat to make sure he didn’t disrupt the area society with what he wanted. It started in 1985 at first to just stay where he was put when he reinstated, not to move to other jobs and shifts. In the first three days of getting home there were two arguments with his father. I had to make my first appearance with his mother pleading with me to come help keep my husband from murdering his father and tearing the house down to find me. The first sight I had was his father being pinned straight armed to the living room ceiling with my husband staring him in the eye yelling at him.
His father said if I made my appearance before he was home three days it would cause problems. That was the day my husband decided that he was already done with cooperation. The next day we he was taking a shift preference under the contract, bumping a 19 year old girl with less than six months seniority to my husbands now nine years. My husband didn’t care that second shift would devastate her social life; he just wanted days. So I called anything involving a sex life to a halt for the next two years to get my husband to stay put. I begged my husband and even promised if he’d just work the vacation slot and let the same girl have it off to go to Rome to get married that June. I continued refusing a sex life hoping he would stop defying everything that was wanted of him. Many times things got so loud the police had to make him go to work to diffuse a possible bad problem.
In 2009 his immune system failed because of depression. Allowed MRSA into his spine crushing his spinal cord. After a 21 hour surgery they had to revive him twice fuse his spine and started him on Vancomiacin treatment the next year. Over the next three years other problems happened like heart surgery due to a MRSA Lesion. Three strokes followed that. He’s very anemic now, and MRSA triggered Diabetes. Then we started hearing things like we were not going to have anything to say in his life any longer. He started doing things like the day before we were leaving on vacation in 2012 he said the next vacation he was going on. My husbands return a year later he was walking with a cane. He had decided at that since he had been robbed of his life that I was going to be restricted in mine. I was getting ready to go to a political fund raising dinner with his father, mother and his fathers best friend.
We had told the Stress center that due to this function that night, they would have to keep my husband a few more days. That if he came home there would be nothing but trouble. He arrived by insurance paid taxi just as I finished getting ready to go. The first I knew he was home and was running square into this very angry husbands chest.
I told my husband he was not invited to this evening and he turned on me and yelled then neither was I. He was yelling as of that night he was taking control of his life. He started screaming that under his roof we had nothing more to say. He was furious and not going to agree to any thing I suggested to calm the situation I was saying could we just slow everything down. I would just make an appearance for his father and claim illness. He said NO his father did not need my appearance, and then he said I had better submit or I would hurt.
The last three years there is nothing resembling a middle ground for my husband. There is nothing he will accept as a peace offering. …For three years now I have not stopped crying. I would like to get him to just sit and air the grievances he has about his life and the way he’s been abused. Nothing else has to come to someone hurt. I just did not know what I should do. Protect or support my husband’s positions against the society. I think I chose wrong.
Hello, I am married. I have an awful temper but it’s not fueled by emotion but it is by adrenaline. When me and my wife fight it sometimes makes me think if I can get this angry why am I in this relationship. I feel I’m very educated but when I try to explain why I’m angry my spouse says I belittle her. I have a good vocabulary and when I use it I feel like I speak very clear about my feelings. But my spouse will tell me she either can’t hear me or I forgot I tell her things when I’m calm like I don’t like your behaviour, or like she has a serious body language. She doesn’t seem to understand, it isn’t what you say but how you react to something.
Steven, You’re “in this relationship” because you vowed to stay in it to love your spouse, even through the “worst” of times. It’s a matter of persevering, looking to the Lord to teach you what you need to do to build relationship bridges when walls threaten to get in the way. If one approach to a matter doesn’t work, then maybe you need to find godly ways to approach it. Please read through what we have posted, and see what you can learn and apply. It doesn’t matter how educated we are in other matters, when it comes to matters of the heart –communicating with the one we have vowed to love, we will need to be a student of marriage and a student of our spouse for the rest of our lives together.
As we look at marriage that way –not looking for and grabbing onto an escape hatch, or thinking it should go easier than it has thus far… we will grow in amazing ways, and we will eventually get to the good stuff in marriage. I know. My husband and I went through a very stormy time in our marriage. I wanted out. I didn’t think marriage could or should be that hard. I was naive. I’m so glad I didn’t bail. We have an amazing marriage now –truly a marital love affair.
But it hasn’t been easy to get here. Yet it’s SO worth every effort we have put into it. We’ve both grown and we’ve both been blessed in ways I can’t describe because we applied ourselves to learn what we individually needed to know about each other and our marriage relationship. I hope you will apply yourself like this too, and that eventually, your wife will also. I pray wisdom, discernment, and help for you both in applying what you learn. I pray that as you look to Him, as your “Wonderful Counselor” He will guide you on this challenging journey called marriage, and will bless you beyond your comprehension.
He has ADHD and very opinionated. He “hates” me to disagree with him. “Why you challenge me?” “Why you wanna try to argue with me?” His reactions are very quick and bad but he doesn’t realize it at all. So I have two faces – one is at home and one is outside of home. No one knows how I live at home. My life is like on an eggshell. I feel like I can’t say anything other than agreeing with every single thing he says. I often think how I should ask or say to him before I open my mouth. My eye is twitching from stress again. I’m very tired.
I have a hot temper and jealousy, but my husband says he loves but doesn’t trust me. He likes to control MY life and has threatened me a lot about our marriage also accuses me of what I things didn’t do. Would someone please give me advice?
Hi, when I do something that upsets my wife I apologize but she ignores this and carries on and hounds me. In the end I lose my temper start shouting, swearing and sometimes name calling. I try walking away when I feel my anger but she won’t leave me alone. Once I lose my temper she then has a hold on me, which then results in me being threatened about being kicked out, not seeing my 2 daughters etc. How can I handle this situation?
Rob, it would be good to talk together about this when both of you are NOT in an argument –when things are calm and peaceful and you can talk. Kindly let her know that you don’t want to lose your temper –that you love her and know this is wrong, but you need her help. Tell her that you need to take a “time out” when things get too heated, but that you promise you will revisit the subject with her when things are calmer. This will help everyone involved, including your daughters. This has to be disturbing to them, plus, you aren’t modeling for them how to handle conflicts in healthy ways.
And then, figure out in your mind how to get away if she doesn’t honor that request –whether it’s going into another room and locking a door, or taking a walk around the block or taking a drive, or something like that. When you return, make sure you are calmed down… pray for a calmer spirit, and wisdom to handle things more peaceably. Show her that you can talk about things better when things aren’t escalating. Hopefully, she will eventually join you in this plan.
If this doesn’t work, then you may need to go to a marriage-friendly counselor to help you both figure out a plan on how to handle your conflicts in healthier ways. You certainly can’t go on like you are. Eventually it will destroy your marriage. Please don’t let that happen for your sakes, and for the sakes of your daughters.
Hi there. I’ve been married for 33 years and will never stop walking on eggshells. I now have grown children, am a grandmother and ready for another phase of my life; to be divorced from husband once I feel that I’m financially ready. He was physically abusive more than 20 years ago, and now he’s verbally abusive and has the worst temper tantrum that I’ve seen in a child. To make sure he gets your attention and imposes what he has to say, he’ll “huff and puff” and blow the house down like the 3 little pigs. He pounds his head, screams at the top of his lungs, all the meanwhile cursing at me. He rips off his shirt resulting in all the buttons flying all over the place. He always wants to die, and you know what I wish he would just croak right there on the spot so I can live in peace.
I made him mad, I made him pull his hair, I made him curse, I made him pound the wall almost putting a hole in my drywall…etc, etc., etc. I just leave him alone, leave the house, or lock myself in another room and give him the silent treatment when he calms down in 10 minutes as if nothing happened. In the meantime, I’m a nervous wreck, my blood pressure has risen to the roof and looking at him in disbelief.
He threatens me with divorce everytime he has a temper tantrum, which is quite often. Therefore, I decided just as soon as I finalized my plan for leaving him, I’ll do so peacefully. I’ve noticed that everytime he gets into these temper tantrums that he by the way blames me for it happening… “it’s my fault”… I’m making him act this way.
I used to reason with him while in his tantrum mode and that never works. So I’d talk to him about it while calm and this starts his temper tantrum. So it’s a losing situation. I can’t take it anymore. I never know when Mt. Versius will erupt. Although I’m fortunate that he doesn’t beat me up physically anymore, just these verbal outbursts. But still the effect is the same on me. It hurts and he has eroded me drastically over the years. He doesn’t want any therapy because he thinks that he’s perfectly fine and says that it’s me that needs the therapy.
So for anyone who is going through this same situation, you’re in for a rude awakening. These type of individuals never change. Actually he’s getting worse. I just stay out of his way until I can escape from his verbal abusiveness when the time is right for me financially. Thank you for reading my story.