It’s important to comfort friends who are going through a tough time and do for them what you believe Christ would have you. God cares for those who are hurting, and so should we!
That’s why it’s a good thing to be a Marriage Champion. We need more of those! Greg Smalley gives this definition of what it is to be a Marriage Champion:
“A Marriage Champion isn’t a professional relationship expert; it’s someone who’s passionate about marriage, prioritizes listening over advice-giving, is willing to be real about his or her own marriage and is committed to walking out this journey with his or her hurting friend. A Marriage Champion needs to embrace the real message of Hebrews 3:13 — ‘encourage one another day after day‘ — to breathe courage into their weary friend and instill hope. A marriage can survive off of someone else’s hope for a season.” (Greg Smalley)
But it’s also important to be careful that your care for them doesn’t take you places you shouldn’t go. Be aware of the FULL impact your actions could have. Sympathize and comfort friends who are hurting… yes! But be careful.
When You Comfort Friends
Make sure that you don’t neglect your own spouse while you are trying to help someone else. It’s not good to put him or her in the place of missing you—more than it’s healthy.
We often hear people complain of having marital problems because his or her spouse is continually “overdoing it” by texting and/or calling back and forth with a co-worker. This spouse realizes it’s because he or she is trying to “help” this friend who is going through a troubled time. But while their spouse may have good intentions in trying to help a friend, it is causing problems in their OWN marriage. So, that makes the whole situation even more problematic.
Julie Loos (in her article, “How to Help a Friend’s Struggling Marriage“) gives this advice to those who are trying to help a friend:
We need to construct boundaries so we don’t give too much of ourselves helping our friend, and then witness our own marriage/family life failing. If we ask for God’s wisdom in this situation, we can be helpful but not overburdened. Other ways to help your friend’s marriage:
• Pray for them.
• Be a listening ear.
• Encourage your friend to pray and ask for God’s wisdom.
• Urge them to get professional marriage help.
• Help them ponder the good qualities in their spouse.
• Lead them to talk to their spouse.
• Remember you are hearing only one side of the story.
Plus, it’s important not to spend more time with a friend than is healthy to do. We’re told in 1 Corinthians 7, that after we marry, our time is not our own. We now have a spouse to consider in all we do.
Guard Your Heart As You Comfort Friends
And if your friend is of the opposite sex, it’s even more complicated. It’s important to note that your sympathy can draw you to be a great listener for him or her. But be cautious. We can’t emphasize this enough! Don’t spend time with them, especially alone, in places where you shouldn’t be together. We’re talking about going out for meals or walking together alone, phoning or texting (especially when your spouse doesn’t know about it) after hours, etc. It’s in times like these where temptation can all the more grab hold.
Trust us when we say that the enemy of our faith would love to take your own marriage down. Don’t underestimate the power of temptation to lure you to think, feel, or do things you NEVER would have done before. It’s the mindset of “it would never happen to me” or “…to us” that takes down many of unaware spouses. Be careful; guard your heart and your marriage, even when you are seeking to comfort friends.
So yes, you can sympathize … and yes, you can be a good friend by comforting them in appropriate ways. But do not give more than you should. Guard your heart and your marriage in the process of giving comfort. Sympathize and empathize, but be wise in doing so.
More Info to Use as You Comfort Friends:
In addition, here’s two more quick, but very important tips that Jennifer Clarke gives to help you minister to your friend:
“Guard your words carefully. Desperate people grab the first lifeline they see. Show sympathy and genuine compassion without bashing her husband [or his wife]…
Spouse bashing is NOT helpful, nor is it something the Lord would condone! So, be careful to refrain from doing so no matter what you think about their spouse.
Also:
“Refrain from sharing details with others. With the exception of truly dangerous situations, let your friend be the one to decide who knows the details about her marriage. Anything else (even when shared in the form of a “prayer request”) is considered gossip, which is sinful, unhelpful, and often destructive.”
That’s SO important to remember! You need to be a safe place for your friend.
And then lastly, if you need even more info, here are several linked articles that can help you minister in compassionate and wise ways in this mission:
• HELPING TROUBLED FRIENDS’ MARRIAGES
• FRIEND HELPING A FRIEND WHO IS IN CRISIS
• TO THOSE WHO OFFER SUPPORT TO FRIENDS
And, as you minister to your friend, offering comfort, with the “same comfort God has given you“:
“May the Lord make you increase and abound in love for one another and for all, as we do for you, so that he may establish your hearts blameless in holiness before our God and Father, at the coming of our Lord Jesus with all his saints.” (1 Thessalonians 3:12-13)
Cindy and Steve Wright
— ADDITIONALLY —
To help you even further, we give a lot of personal stories, humor, and more practical tips in our book, 7 ESSENTIALS to Grow Your Marriage. We hope you will pick up a copy for yourself. (It’s available both electronically and in print form.) Plus, it can make a great gift for someone else. It gives you the opportunity to help them grow their marriage. And who doesn’t need that? Just click on the linked title or the picture below:
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