There are so many dangers and disappointments connected with the use of pornography. It’s both disturbing and even frightening! Nothing like starting out an article sounding off an alarm, but it’s true!
Pornography (“pictures intended to arouse sexual desires”) and now Cybersex (“sexual arousal involving communication on the internet”) are dangers that we face in today’s world. They can appear to be innocent and victimless, but the opposite is true.
Called a “closet addiction” viewing pornography and participating in Cybersex can seem like “harmless fun.” They’re often referred to as forms of “release from stress” —yet they’re anything BUT harmless. They may be temporarily exciting and release something within a person, but getting involved with this fantasy world eventually heaps additional stress onto real life and relationships.
Pornography Causes Damage?
“Who says ‘Pornography doesn’t hurt anyone?’ Porn damages the viewer. Proverbs 6:27 says: ‘Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned?‘ The implied answer is ‘No.’ Lusting after people with our eyes and thoughts is equivalent to committing the sin with them (see: Matthew 5:28). Porn trains us to practice lust and live in a fantasy world. As a result, we burn with a lust that drives us to seek gratification. The memories resulting from our porn activities can last a lifetime and damage our ability to enjoy sex in our marriage.
“Pornography also can lead us down the destructive path of perversion, and damages the viewer’s family. For example, your children could be tormented by any evil spirits that are tormenting you, or they may simply get hooked on porn when they stumble across your porn stash of computer files or magazines. Your spouse could be devastated if he/she discovers you’ve been committing “mental adultery” through porn. He/she may have difficulty ever trusting you again when they discover your secret life.
“It could take years for you to re-learn how to love your spouse and eliminate the stranglehold lust has on you. You may have to relearn how to have sex in a loving way, since you have become tuned for lust through porn.” (From the web site at Porn-free.org)
Not Victimless Past Time
So, viewing pornography and participating in cybersex is not a victimless past time. A person may find it to be temporarily satisfying and fun. But that “fun” comes at what cost? No one person is an island in this world. Other innocent people become involved in this as well, at their detriment.
Let’s face it, substituting fantasy can temporarily be funner than investing in and working through problems that arise in real relationships. That’s a given! But that’s only for a season, and the damage it causes for it’s fleeting pleasures can last a lifetime.
Eventually the real world demands the need to be faced. Reality comes back with a vengeance and real consequences occur. Some of them are broken relationships, and harmful reoccurring memories. Others are money spent, lost jobs and opportunities, etc… just as with any addiction. And porn and cybersex CAN be addictive! It’s a type of fantasy world to the highest level!
The tragic thing is that most people who get caught up into pornography don’t realize how addictive it can become. Just like those who smoke, do drugs, or become alcoholics, there is a pull. It’s a drawing in power that causes people to keep going back for more, dismissing the dangers.
But Not Me!
And let’s face it, which addict ever thought that they would be the one who would get addicted to that which they were “playing” with? It potentially can happen to any one who gets involved. “Pride” or thinking something could never happen to us comes before a fall. Or it could be “disgrace” as the Bible says in Proverbs 11:2.
It’s important to be careful in our actions as well as our judgments of others. We could become a potential victim of the harm that pornography and cybersex can cause.
“Pornography, a closet addiction, grabs you when you’re weak and holds you in its clutches. Just one more time, the lie draws you in. One more look, you click your way around the sticky Web. Lost in a fantasy world, porn becomes your focus and your drive. Denying the impact of addiction only covers the pain you are causing to yourself and others.” (Quote found on Growthtrac.com in their Pornography in Marriage section)
It’s Difficult to Escape
If pornography and particularly cybersex wasn’t so accessible, it could be easier to escape, but it isn’t:
“We often hear the expression, ‘surfing the Web.’ But a better metaphor may be ‘walking on the beach’ because your footprints follow you wherever you go. All browsers, Netscape, Internet Explorer, AOL, are equipped with a cache —a temporary file that saves a copy of any HTML pages, images or files that you access for quick downloading later.” (From the article “The Dangers and Disappointments of Pornography”)
There’s one of the catches in all of this. There is a snare that grabs those who give the enemy of our faith any type of foothold. Temptation is more than accessible and willing to grab us at any moment!
For this reason, it’s important to pay attention to the Bible where it says,
“Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of suffering.“ (1 Peter 5:8-9)
Whether it is you, or someone else you are helping, trying to escape the web of pornography and cybersex, here are additional warnings the Bible gives:
“If someone is caught in sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.“ (Galatians 6:1-2)
In Light of All of This:
I want to refer you to some linked articles written by those who have a lot of experience in teaching and helping people with this issue.
We’d like you to start out by reading the following that we have posted on our Marriage Missions International web site because we believe it will give you a good overview:
• QUOTES ON PORNOGRAPHY AND CYBERSEX
And then we’d like to direct you to the web site ministry of Focus on the Family, which has a variety of articles posted that could answer many questions that you may have:
• DEALING WITH PORNOGRAPHY AND INTERNET ADDICTION
— ALSO —
You may also find the following Marriagetrac.com articles to be helpful. Please click into the web site links below to read:
And:
• THE SECRET SIN: SEX ADDICTION
And found on this web site:
• PORNOGRAPHY AND CYBERSEX LINKS AND RESOURCE DESCRIPTIONS
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
If you have additional tips you can share to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Pornography and Cybersex
(USA) I’ve been free of pornography for a little over 2 months now. This is not the same thing as not having viewed pornography for 2 months though! I’ve gone that long and longer plenty of times over the years but kept returning over and over.
How many times have you been looking at pornography and have told yourself "I don’t want to do this"? I’ve done that so often, and even said those words out loud as I was looking at porn on the internet. How many times have you resolved to quit, and have had a few days of success, but then find yourself viewing porn again? How much do you feel like a failure because you don’t have enough self-control to overcome this on your own? Its a vicious cycle that continues until it is broken.
For those of us that are the independent type, this is the hardest thing to overcome because it simply can’t be done without outside help. I’m sure for so many people, the only thing worse than being involved in pornography, is letting someone else find out. It’s the only way out though. The moment you tell someone; a close friend, your pastor, anyone you trust, that cycle is broken! I actually physically felt something when I finally did this. It was like my heart leapt or something. I don’t know how to explain it, but it was the first step of what has been a wonderful 2 months of glorious freedom!
The last night I ever viewed pornography, I was at my end. I searched for help with this on-line and discovered http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com. I highly recommend the course they offer. It is free, although supported through donations. Also, they provide a mentor that will hold you accountable to get through this 60 day course.
I didn’t know what it would mean to be free from this. I knew I didn’t like pornography, but I had no idea the affect freedom from it would have on my marriage, on my self-confidence, and even how I view sex with my wife. It used to be something I enjoyed of course, but I’m discovering now God’s real plan for sex. It’s way different that viewing porn would have you believe!
I could go on for hours, but I encourage you, if you’re trapped in pornography, try the course at http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com.
(PAKISTAN) Thanks for writing this article. It is very informative. Actually, in recent times, the social problems had been increased very high. Many people use new inventions for bad uses and for fulfilling their self pleasure. Pornography is not a new issue but now with the help of the internet it is very easily accessible. Many people think it is not a wrong thing but they don’t know its dangers so I think it is very nice of you to present such informative material.
(SOUTH AFRICA) About 2 years ago my wife found out about my porn addiction. I did all the things listed as behaviors mentioned on this website beginning with denial and so forth. It ended about 14 months ago when my wife moved out with the kids and considered divorce. I realised that I have a problem and started to work on my problem. Everything was good untill about 3 months ago when I started again with pornography on my cell phone. I’ve been trying so hard but at the same time, I also didn’t work on my spiritual side, so the devil got a foot in the door. This time around my wife has filed for a divorce. I realise that the only way to be freed from this horrible addiction is through the grace of the Lord alone.
I got involved with pornography from the age of 12 when I’ve found some magazines in my fathers cupboard. I am sure of one thing and that is that I don’t want my kids to go through the same things I am going through at the moment –the feelings of guilt for my actions and what it did to my wife. I know that I am the only one responsible for my actions and for the way my wife is feeling.
I have started to read my Bible again and I’m constantly in prayer. I asked the Lord to help me overcome this addiction and to teach me how to be a man again to my wife and a father to my kids.
If someone can please remember our family in your prayers. The last thing that I want is a divorce. I love my wife too much. The only thing she wants to talk about at the moment is how to reach a divorce settlement. I can understand that. I have decided that the devil had done enough damage in our relationship and no more. From now on it’s only the Lord who must show the way.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Dear Theo, My heart goes out to you and your family. I am a wife who had to deal with what your wife is going through at the moment. I know exactly how she feels. Please pray for the Lord to heal her as well and to deliver her from resentment, bitterness, rejection and anger she is feeling now. You are right there is hope for your marriage, and that hope is Jesus. He is the only one who can set you free from this bondage and restore your marriage.
Please go to the website called Be Broken. You can find it at: https://2.bebroken.com. They are a ministry that can help you to be free from the bondage of ponography and they have a course for spouses of the people who are involved in pornography.
Encourage your wife to do the spouse’s course as well, but you have to take the first step. Trust in the Lord with your whole heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. Your family is in my prayers.
(SOUTH AFRICA) ts, Thanx for the reply and thanx alot for that website. And thank you for your prayers. I’ve started the course and I do believe that there is hope through the grace of God.
If there is someone else reading this post who’s got a problem with porn I would like to urge you to stop immediately. I don’t think you will ever understand the consequences of your actions fully. The place at which I am now in my life, feels like it must be a glimpse of hell. It’s really no fun at all. But do know, that only the Lord can be your Saviour.
(UK) Hi Theo, I too am the wife of a sex addict. My husband did not stop at just pornography but he acted out with men in public toilets so I know what your wife is going through and it really is hell on earth. The recommended website at setting captives free is excellent. I have done the united front course which is the one for wives of sex addicts and you get a personal mentor who is available to encourage you and help through this.
May I suggest two more websites which have helped me immencely, they are
htt://www.awomanshealingjourney.com and also htt:/www.healingheartsclub.co.uk where there is advice and help from other women in the same boat, in healingheartsclub you can also get counsel from other men who are battling against sexual addiction. I believe these would be really helpful for your wife.
My husband and I are living proof that marriages can survive sexual addiction but it’s a really long road, it’s been 15months since my husbands confession and through the love of Jesus Christ we are defeating this enemy and will continue to do so.
Don’t give up on her. Accept full responsibility for all you’ve done and then show her that you’re changing, but don’t expect too much because the pain and feeling of loss she is going through is beyond anything you could ever imagine. As you said, you can get through this; you know that God loves marriage and his intention for marriages is that he should be the centre of it and it should as he intended it to be, so please don’t give up and know that all my prayers are with you, your wife and children.
Thank you for your words. I’m the wife and it’s been 7 months and everyday I wake in so much pain. I want to trust my husband and I believe he’s overcome this issue with God’s power of deliverance because I do believe he truly repented. He also attended 2 different courses at new life ministers (Every Man’s Battle) and is now involved in a men’s Bible study. I pray and beg God to help me overcome this overwhelming feeling of anger, hatred, fear, regret and loneliness, sadness, feeling of being totally inadequate and at times feeling worthlessness and so much more. He’s doing everything possible to assure me every day. He’s patient and kind.
I DON’T WANT to feel this way anymore. I’ve come to realize I will never be able to understand why and that’s ok because it’s not for me to try to understand something that is obviously wrong and ungodly. I’m waiting on God’s healing over my life. I pray it comes quickly. I’ve never had self-esteem issues. I had always been a woman that accepted myself and my flaws and loved myself as much as humanly possible. This feelings this whole situation have brought upon me are more then I can explain. This showed me that without Gods grace in our lives daily. It’s impossible to survive. Blessings to all.
(JAMAICA/ ST MAARTEN) Hey theo, No matter how great your guilts are, just remember one thing, Jesus is greater than your guilt. Be a Peter and not a Judas. Peter stumbled many times but at all times he remembered who was in charge of his life. You are of value to the King, my Brother. Hence the opposition from the deceiver, no matter how hard it might seem right now, the Bible says that every true believer is seated in heavenly places with Christ Jesus. So just hold on, pray for your wife that she will also see the blatant tricks of the devil and begin to try harder to keep what God has joined together. God bless you, man. All things will work out for good. Just keep on the Lord’s side.
(USA) I was exposed to porn at a young age; it was not such a big deal at first. As a young adult I rarely got my hands on the stuff. It kinda grew over the years. At first I would go to my friends house and look at his collection, and I could only fantasize. Later my mother installed cable and when she would leave I would order porn. Sometime I would spend the night at my friends and we would watch videos.
When I was of age to buy porn, my urge to see porn was so strong it was like a drug addiction. I have literally seen my hands shake and have felt my stomach turn as I got closer to the porn shop. Over time my fantasies grew out of control. I was going too far and I knew it, but I could not stop. I would be up all night on the internet sometimes up to six hours at a time. My body was drained, my eyes were sore, my mouth was dry, my skin was oily and worst of all I was ashamed and disappointed in myself. I needed help, but I was too ashamed to tell anyone. I felt like a monster, an outcast of society mostly because I did not want to be around anyone.
Years later I was able to keep it under control, but once in a while I would get full blown episodes. The day I got married I thought that everything would change, but it only amplified my struggle. I continued to commit adultery and I felt like I was hurting my relationship, not only with my wife, but with God. How could I be faithful to my Heavenly Father if I could not be faithful to my wife here on earth? I kept going, but I knew that my time was running out. Something big was going to happen to my life, a sudden change that would cause me deep pain, but I could not stop.
One night I was looking at one of my favorite stars, and when I was done I looked around me and thought about myself and my current state. I was disgusted at myself but why could I not find the self control? And then it clicked! I cannot do this by myself; I need my Lord Jesus to save me because I knew that I was going to be damned to hell. Porn was a part of my life. I worshiped it and Satan had a tight grip and would never let me go.
After I finished crying, I prayed to the Lord to send me the Holy Spirit to help me conquer sin, but this time I prayed that I may receive the anger of the Holy Spirit. In that moment I felt a fiery anger stirring up inside me. I said I hate this pornography and all it stands for. Just then I wanted to slay as many demons as I could for all the souls that they were tormenting.
After I calmed down, I decided to do something about my sex portal. I searched for ways to block these sites and came across blogs that were there to help addicts like me. One site referred me to blue coat k9 web protection which blocked all porn sites. It was that step that I took to ensure my safety. The Lord Jesus snatched me from death but I also needed to fight alongside him.
I read that the best way to help overcome addiction is to tell someone about it, but I could never do that. I already confessed my sins to my Lord. After reading the above comments, I felt that there was more than one way to confess my sin, I can tell others by telling my story and maybe my story could help someone along the way. There is only one way brothers and sisters and that is through Jesus Christ. I love you all… stand firm, life means war!
(UK) Hi Jose, I just finished reading your story and you are definitely in my prayers for complete healing from this awful disease which is destroying husbands and families all over the world.
Praise God that you have turned to him in your fight. My husband was/is a sex addict and his history is very similar to yours in that he began looking at porn at the age of 7 after finding his Dad’s stash. From then on the pornography just took complete control of him just as it has you, he moved onto real hard core porn, he was masturbating from that age and as an adult masturbated up to 10 times a day, he has been on many sex lines looking for gratification, and eventually all this led to him acting out in mens public toilets.
The first time was when he was 7, he was in the toilet when he noticed that someone was watching him which got him aroused although he as pertified, he then as a child began visiting toilets and strange old men would give him oral sex and just abused him.
During our whole relationship he visited the toilets 3 times, he was also very rough in bed, wanting to strangle me, tie me up and many things which he had seen on the porn movies he’d watched for many years. I found all this out on 5/08/08 which was our second wedding anniversary. He was only able to confess after getting baptized and giving his life to the Lord.
The reason I choose to tell you his story is because I need you to know that porn is only the beginning. If you do not get this sorted out it will progress to all the things which my husband has endured, because his struggle started with pornography and led him on a very destructive path. From your story I can honestly say that you are a sex addict. Sexual addiction actually has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with trying deal with feelings of rejection, guilt, unworthiness, sense of belonging, needing love etc.
I know you have said that you can not confess your addiction to anyone because you have confessed it to Christ, but Jose, I urge you to pray for the Lord to give you the strength to confess ALL your activities to your wife and to those you TRUST who are close to you, because confessing to Christ is of course, the most important, but I can tell you that unless you let the light of Christ shine on this darkness which is overtaking your life, you will not overcome it. Your wife deserves the best of you, and all of you with no secrets, because otherwise your just living a lie.
My husband lied to me for 4 1/2 years and when he confessed to me his addiction I was completely devastated, and I won’t lie to you, this has been the hardest year I think our marriage will ever endure.
We have 2 beautiful daughters who nearly lost their mum and dad as a unit, but what has got us through is Jesus Christ, church, worship and my husbands determination to fight this battle head on and to not let it destroy us. Slowly with the love of Christ, lots of prayer and support from our friends and familiy we are rebuilding our marriage as it should’ve been from the beginning.
Your wife needs to know everything about your addiction and then she will be able to work through it, you have no guarantees that the marriage will survive but are you really prepared to continue living this lie with her for the rest of your lives and is this fair to her? Just like this website there are some really helpful Christian websites which have gotten me through this year and if you feel able to confess all to your wife, she’s going to need all the help in the world and your full support.
htt://www.awomanshealingjourney.com which has some fantastic resources for women in our situation, and also htt://www.healingheartsclub.co.uk which is designed for wives of sex addicts, it has so much help for getting through this ordeal, how to deal with the many emotions you’ll be feeling at various stages of your healing journey, and also once a member you’ll be able to recieve counsel from other husbands who are in the same boat as you, they can help you find the right way to talk to your wife about your addiction and there will be counsel for her also, so please consider what I have said.
My marriage has been destroyed, but you know that through our Lord Jesus Christ nothing is impossible and my husband and I are a living example that marriages can survive the confession/discovery of sexual addiction.
I am so thankful that my husband confessed. It was 4 1/2 years too late but as they say, better late than never, the worst thing which could’ve happened is if he confessed much later life. I have friend who this has happened to.
My husband still has problems with masturbation but nowhere near as bad as he was before his confession. To date he has not masturbated in almost 7 weeks and counting, which for a man who used to do it up to 10 times a day if not more, is just outstanding. He has not viewed porn for over 15 months as he put covenant eyes onto our computer which emails me weekly reports for the usage on our family PC. He is a completely changed man, not through his strength but through our Lord Jesus Christ.
Know that my prayers are with you. Your family can get through this, you know that through our Lord Jesus Christ, the person you were is no longer relevent, it’s who you are through him today. So let this knowledge work for you. Ephesians 6:10-18 talks of the armour of God. This is my prayer for you, that you will pick up your armour of God and you will “stand firm, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place…”. In John14:6 Jesus says “I am the way, the trith and the light…”, truth is such an important part of life, especially within a marriage, and you must remember your wedding vows which you made to each other. In John 8:12 Jesus said “I am the light of the world, whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of the world.”
If you want to defeat this demon, you need to be truthful because once it’s out in the open and the light is shining on it, it then has NO WHERE to hide and you more importantly have NOTHING to hide. I truly hope after what I have written, you will have a look at the sites I suggested to help you prepare should you decide to be honest and open with your wife… if you have been open and honest with her then I commend you and pray for whole family. Much love and prayers, Caroline
(SOUTH AFRICA) I am a Christian women who is constantly troubled by this sex sin. I don’t view pornographical pictures but I am increasingly lured to reading content that will stimulate me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I pray and pray but I’m scard that I’ve fallen so deep into this hole. I need to know what to do. I am in constant shame, and when I do this I can’t seem to stop, but when it’s over I feel so guilty I can’t even look in the mirror. I feel horrible because I know God and I want to stop but I cant. I also think I do it when I’m sad and feeling alone. Please help me! God bless.
(NIGERIA) St, remember that God loves you a lot and He sent Jesus to die for you.
First you need to practically receive Jesus into your life as your Saviour. You may do this by going on your kness and confessing your sins to Him and accepting Him as your Lord and Saviour.
Secondly be determined to overcome this sexual problem. You have a part to play. You must stand up and say NO to this issue. Remove all those materials and if possible burn them all.
Thirdly get a confidant who must be a mature believer, preferably of the same sex. This will help you to be accountable to someone. Your confidant should also be your prayer partner. Pray regularly and ask Jesus to give you the grace to resist this temptation. You may wish to try the websites suggested by Caroline (UK). God will keep you and He’ll continue to bless you. It is well with you.
(USA) To answer the questions set forth by this forum or discussion, our answers are as follows:
Q1. “Does the Internet attract and make sex addicts out of people who otherwise might not have been addicts?” A1. While we think it’s quiet evident there is most likely a precursor earlier on in life that might make one more susceptible to this addiction, the environmental influences certainly figure into the equation.
Q2. “We tend to think of this as a male problem. Are women at risk, too?” A2. Much like Domestic Violence it is not gender bias, sexual addiction are not either. For although they may not looj at the same content or be drawn in by the same things, curiosity is certainly the same among women and men both and if not kept in check even the most innocent of things can lead to impure thoughts and spin off into the most damaging of things. Like all things moderation and discernment are key and critical in steering clear of pitfalls.
Q3.“…Our culture abuses us sexually by bombarding us with unhealthy sexual images. As a recovering addict, how do you deal with that?” A3. MOST DEFINITELY, it’s EVERYWHERE…and we go into that more in depth in our story and testimony.
Q4. “What would you say to someone who knows he or she has a pornography problem?” A4. Again, PLEASE READ our story and testimony.
Now, our hearts go out to you and please know that you’re in our prayers. Maybe our story and testimony will offer you and others some encouragement. Ours has been a journey that has taken us over a year to come to realize the true love and commitment we have for one another after many a prayer having been said by us both. James has battled a sex addiction for many years, even before I came into his life – and as such he partook in anything that would apply to that online, be it a number of dating sites, pornography, all the chat networks, email, text messaging and even having “friends” call him on the phone -which continued even after we got married.
For some, as was the case with James, it can start out as a low level sexual stimulant, as simple as say looking at an catalog, seeing it in a movie or even a provocative commercial on the TV. For in truth, you can see it at your local news stand and at eye level of children! It can be a person they call a “friend” and a lot of times it’s not something their partner lacks but what they feel they lack in themselves or on their own. For in truth, there can be a number of underlying factors that can trigger this kind of addiction. For James it was a result of many years of childhood abuse. He literally thought no one could or would ever truly love him. He was afraid of love, resented love and as such disconnected himself or disassociated himself from the situation entirely on a personal level to any degree as that applies to a truly monogamous commitment, as God intended.
This is not to say he didn’t have needs, because everyone does. He just sought to fulfill his needs in what he considered to be the safest way he could, that being on the internet. So, what started as a safe and intriguing curiosity or interest for him steadily turned into a deep-seated and volatile addiction. Like any addiction it got worse over time, requiring more and more stimulus to satisfy an ever growing need for more and more stimulation. It’s like a drug in that regard and if left unchecked it can lead to all kinds of problems that are hurtful to all parties involved. Sexual addiction is the worst kind of addiction, in our opinion, in that there are no support groups readily available in most communities to handle this growing problem. There’s no progressive program to deal with it, diagnose it or help someone recover from it. It’s ready available on the internet, in movies or on the TV; even in commercials. “Sex sells,” they say – and the devil is everywhere. That’s the truth of the matter.
Thus, we’re sorry to say, if your partner wants to partake in it, they will always find a way to do just that. It’s only by way of love and a sincere love for the Lord that you are able to conquer a problem such as this, because believe me we never could have done it on our own. I prayed many, many times, daily that James eyes would be open, by the Lord. I cried many a tear for the pain, sense of loss and betrayal I felt. I had no idea what was going on and I felt totally rejected and abandoned in the process. I could not understand why he could not love me as much as I obviously loved him. He said it, so why couldn’t his actions parallel that? That was the question that ate at me. That and “WHY?” I blamed myself and I started to really get a low self-esteem and personality complex about it.
James got a job in Hong Kong, a high level, executive position and we were off to a new country, where I thought we could start a new and fresh life free of any interference or distractions; especially from his friends, for James had stopped partaking in most of his online activities by then; even though, I naively didn’t know about what was taking place by then either. I just had a gnawing feeling and many suspicions.
Call it woman’s intuition, but, the truth always comes out in the end – just as it did in our situation. After all, it wasn’t as much a secret for James, as I thought. Truth is, he’d left it on the computer for me to find. kind of like a test you might say. Although I’d been abused and much worse than him, he tested me and our relationship to see if I truly loved him enough to stay and maybe even, quite possibly accept it. Not that that makes it right, but my love for him was unwavering.
I found the pornographic videos he’d downloaded from the Internet, when he went over to Hong Kong alone to interview for the position at his new job and I was devastated- and clearly did not accept it. But it didn’t stop there as one thing lead to another revelation I wasn’t prepared for, such as: the numerous dating sites he’d joined or the alternate email account he had. The lies he’d told since the beginning of our relationship were so many, he couldn’t begin to explain it all away. One lie virtually leading into the next,…”virtually,” – sorry, but no pun intended.
But, ALL OF THIS came at a price. James got very sick, being guilt ridden and overstressed at work as he work many hours and into the early mornings trying to build a new department. Without any apparent explanation his internal organs began to swell and he was hospitalized for 10 days in a foreign country – to our surprise, with no insurance as promised by his company that could be utilized there. I stayed by his side; even though my pride at times told me to leave.
The lies didn’t stop there. We returned home to the US for medical treatment on a medical leave of absence from his new job, just 5 months after our departure – and the lies continued. As he began to speak of the omissions he’d purposefully left out, I interpreted everything he had to say as lies too. Worse yet, his addiction had lead to an encounter with a married couple, before we met and we had to deal with the very real possibility that he might have fathered a child with the other woman. But thankfully that was not the case; although we both very much wanted to do the right thing, if that had turned out to be true. Thus, that being said, I was the next one to get seriously ill, after that.
James lost his job abroad and we were very much under spiritual attack and the situation got a whole lot worse, before it was ever got better. I almost left James on a few occasions as I interpreted everything he said to be an excuse. But the Lord obviously had a lot of work to do within me too to get me to listen and stop taking offense to everything that was being said. So, James’ prayers were obviously answered too. For if we could all truly strive to have a heart like His, wouldn’t the world be a better place? That’s not to say that forgiveness is a viable option for everyone and I’m sure God understands that too with him being the loving and compassionate Savior that He is.
True enough, James did hurt me and I had every right to be mad, hurt and feel violated: mind, body and soul, because I felt like I’d lost the soul mate that God had intended for me all along and a lot of time. I truly felt dead inside and void of all emotion as we both began to take anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. But at least according to God’s love for us, James also had the right to fully understand his misdeeds and try to explain them to me; even after I’d discovered all the lies he initially told and the lies since.
So the long and short of it is there can’t be true recovery and a rebuilding process without accountability, responsibility and true remorse. One can not partake in sins of the past, bring it into their future if they want true happiness and a truly fulfilling relationship. What may seem to be an innocent, harmless or acceptable activity online can easily and quite quickly turn into a compulsion and addiction that can adversely affect every aspect of one’s life. After all, the internet is the devil’s playground, as he is always ready to try to come into our lives by any means necessary.
It’s like we were under attack, even after the biggest and most damaging revelations had been discovered, and probably at our most vulnerable point. The devil will not always use the most obvious things to enter into or manipulate our lives. But, he will attack us at our most vulnerable point – that much you can be sure of, and he will use any and everything he has to work with at his disposal.
James’ vulnerabilities, making him an easy target for attack: With James it was his fear of being unworthy of love and his fear of being hurt – so much so, that he couldn’t commit to anyone, let alone his own desire to have a meaningful relationship with another human being, after being so hurt by his abuser. For he had appointed himself protector over both himself and his mother and felt powerless to change anything given the situation of his father’s worsening mental illness and battle with Schizophrenia – and that’s a lot for any kid to take in. There was quite a bit of guilt associated with that and his obvious limitations, due to his young age and stature. Besides, it’s customary within any family unit that the father is to be the protector.
James always wanted to be a man of God. He always wanted to be a man of integrity. At one time he wanted to be a preacher and he wrote beautiful sermons, standing in for his pastor. (I know because I read them!) But later in life he suffered rejection at the hands of…for lack of a better word, “a former fiance” and an abuser who cheated on him and that made him feel very unsure of himself, making him question whether love is even a valid concept.
Tori’s vulnerabilities, making her an easy target: Whereas, with me it was my fear of being betrayed, unlovable (not good enough), or even unworthy of love, for I’d endured many years of abuse at the hands of almost everyone I knew. I’d endured abuse as a child and as an adult and in several different dynamics. I was abandoned and abused by my biological family with 5 sexual predators living in the same household as me. I went to foster care and was made a ward of the state, where I was violated yet again; then, only to be abused the third and ultimate time as child, by my adoptive family. I lost my children to an abuser and my life had been riddled with subsequent abusers ever since.
I felt like there was no end to it; even though, I remained faithful to God, was an acolyte in my church and taught Sunday school for preschool aged children. At one time, I even wanted to be a nun, thinking no one could ever love me like Him. Then, when God brought James into my life, I rejoiced at the opportunity and the wonderful gift He’d given me. I never for one second doubted James’ love for me, until that fateful day and after that doubted everything and questioned everything, up and until God helped me to see past my pain and into His promise for me.
Moral of the story being: Life is never easy and it’s not without it’s lessons and the devil always knows what he has to work with even if we don’t, even if we’re in denial or not prepared to see the portals that have been created for him to enter into our lives. But he also knows he is weak in the eyes of God and that makes him work even that much harder when people turn away from sin. So, don’t think you are free of his grips when you begin the recovery process. Work more diligently than ever and stay the course, relying on God to help see you through. Stay in the Word!
James is in counseling now and I am committed to standing by him in his efforts to overcome his sexual addiction and his tendency towards compulsive lying, which is a whole issue unto itself, as the compulsion to lie requires both compassion and understanding too. For it is not by way of condemnation that one is going to overcome it and there is a fine line between enabling a person and offering support. But much like repenting one’s sins, the compulsion to lie requires one to admit to it; thereto, striving to do it no more, much like repenting one’s sins to the Lord and you have to stand on a good foundation and stay in the Word of God to achieve this, remembering the scriptures like Phil 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” which applies to us both or anyone dealing with an issue such as this. For it is not by way of our own strength (or pride) that recovery is possible but only by way of God.
With God’s help, James has opened up to me a great deal and even a little more with each passing day. I’ve learned to listen with discernment, not being judgmental, but realizing we’ve got a long way to go to work through this process, as thereto God has been and will always be with me and us in this situation. For He is our only source of light through the darkness and whereas worldly counselors might fail, He will not. So, just like us, always turn to him and stay in the Word of God, living accord to the Word of God everyday. That’s why we would say, when facing a problem such as this, it’s not enough to go to church every time the doors are open. You like us, might consider making Bible study a part of your everyday life, because there is strength in the Word and it helps reinforce us, in knowing that every day is a battle (it’s spiritual warfare) and we need God to overcome this and all things.
It’s so important for anyone that is battling any kind of addiction that stresses their marriage, relationship, livelihood or otherwise to seek out the proper counseling or resources that it’s going to take to overcome this condition. We’ve all been given free will and it’s our responsibility to make choices that are beneficial to not only ourselves but our loved ones or those we take into our midst. Whereas, the devil’s only objective is to kill, steal and destroy. So, with God’s help this too we shall overcome and please know we’re praying for you all too, because quite honestly a lot of your stories brought us to tears and a lot of them offered us encouragement too. Where ever this journey takes you, we pray you arrive safe in the assurance of God’s love for you and we wish you peace, love and joy. Thanks for listening and God bless you! :D :D ~ Tori & James
(U.S.A.) I am SO ADDICTED TO BEAUTIFUL women, and pornography, and sexual addiction, and uncleanness, immorality, evil lusts of concupiscence. I am such an evil man. I NEED HELP. HELP ME LORD JESUS. PLEASE TELL ME WHAT I CAN DO, AND HELP ME TO DO IT. I NEED YOUR HELP LORD JESUS. I wish I could do it some other way. Everyone is always referring me to the internet, and now I am hooked. I am addicted. Worse than a crack addict. I NEED YOUR HELP LORD JESUS!!!!! HELP ME GOD!!!!! I NEED AND WANT OUT!!!!! I NEED YOUR HELP, OH GOD!!!!! PLEASE HELP ME OUT!!! :( PLEASE HELP ME GET OUT!!! I NEED YOUR HELP TO GET OUT!!!!! PLEASE HELP ME GOD……………………………….. I am DESPERATE FOR YOU, LORD JESUS…………. HELP ME. PLEASE………….. :(.
(UK) Hi David, You are not an evil man. You’re an amazing son of Christ who sees that the way his living his life is wrong, and your crying out for Jesus, because you know only he can help you. Jesus would rather have you as you are than not have you at all, embrace him and just give yourself to him completely, only then will you start to see the change within yourself.
My husband has battled his sexual addiction for over 27 years, I only found out after his confession to me on our 2nd weddiing anniversary, he too felt just as you do now but he is living proof of what Christ can do in mans heart if he allows him to. Please visit me at htt://www.healingheartsclub.co.uk and I can put you in touch with him. Grant (my husband) is working with our church Hillsong London to try and give more support to men in your position, and I work with wives of sex addicts.
You are not alone in this, so many men struggle with this problem and it’s not easy admitting it, but that is truly the second step, the first being giving it all to Jesus, every dirty detail, everything your so ashamed of, because all these terrible feelings you have about yourself are acting as a prison, stopping you from beeing free of this terrible addiction, which for most men starts at a very early age. Also htt://www.settingcaptivesfree.com is an excellent online study tool which could really help you, I will keep you in my prayers.
Please just try and remember just how much your loved, no matter how much this world may tell you your crap, Jesus tells you you’re the most precious person to him. He loves you so much he died on the cross for you, and nothing you can ever do will stop him from loving you. Go to him every day so that he can remind you just how special you are to him, and never for get that. Caroline
(USA) I am a little confused. Now, I know pornography is wrong, however, today, I wanted to learn about sex and sex positions in preparation for marriage (I really want to have a wonderful and exciting sex life). Please let me know. Is that considered porn as well (sex gratification was not the motive).
How else would you know about sex positions if you don’t see the pictures and videos? Thanks a lot.
(U.S.A.) Hi Jane, All of this can be a bit confusing, but it comes down to what your motives are in all of this. Are you looking for something to look at which will involve the image of another person exciting you — even if you use it to ramp up your sexual excitement for your spouse, or are you truly looking for information? We aren’t to allow other people or even the visual photos invade our marital bed. Only you and God know the true answer to that. If you’re looking for information, we’ve got several books listed under the “Sexual Issues” topic, if you’ll go into the “Links and Resource Descriptions” part of it, that contain the type of information you write that you are searching for. As you read the descriptions of the books, and even click into the link provided, so you can read more, I’m confident you can find what you are searching for on this level of marital sexual love-making. One book in particular that is a good one is Intended for Pleasure: Sex Technique and Sexual Fulfillment in Christian Marriage, written by Ed Wheat. I hope this helps.
(USA) Thanks a lot Cindy! May God bless you for all the work that you do. Thanks a lot for the reply. I need the information for learning. I will look up the books. Thanks again.
(USA) My husband used pornography from age 13 to age 36. It destroyed him. Today he lives as a vagabond. He goes from state to state, preferring to live in a tent? He doesn’t have a regular job. I’m sure I will never see him again. His family (aunts, uncles, cousins) wonder what happened to him. He’s been homeless for 4 years. He found a legalistic religion that he talks about. His attitude towards women is unhealthy. He spends most of his time alone. He visits one friend who also struggles with pornography. It’s sad. I’m pretty sure he gave up the pornography, but he will never be able to re-enter society. He prefers being alone. Maybe that’s how he avoids the issue. If he lives in the wilderness, he can hide from evil influences. That’s one way of escaping it.
(CANADA) Using the Bible to discuss porn? How manipulative is that? Porn is bad, not because it is against God’s will, but because it is bad. Break the chain between godliness, goodness and guts (willpower). There is no link.
(USA) Hi everyone. I’ve been married for 2 and half years (2nd marriage) and had no clue that my husband had porn issues. I found out he was watching it on his cell phone and confronted him but insisted that he had not viewed it. Seeing I had no proof even though it was his cell phone, I decided to let it go, but, kept checking his phone. One day I had a feeling something was going on and had the urge to leave work early and got home to find him viewing pornography in our home computer in our bedroom.
Disgusted, hurt, angry and with feelings of betrayal I told him we were done. I couldnt deal with that. He begged and apologized but I had to leave the house because I felt so hurt and angry I didnt know how to react to the emotions and feelings I was going through. I felt so disappointed at him and the trust was already almost out of our relationship due to an emotional long distance affair he had in the beginning of our marriage, and this was just the last thing I could deal with. But, after talking with a friend and him apologizing and promising he wouldnt do it again. I decided to give him another chance. Of course, I’ve been checking his phone for any inappropiate websites any emails or anything that might show me he is still viewing it again.
Well, I recently kept feeling there was something going on and just was not at peace and constantly having the feeling that he was watching porn again. Seeing we had agreed that he would not delete the history on the internet on neither cell phone of house, I started noticing he was deleting it from his phone even after I reminded him nicely several times. Well, what I did was to make sure his email address was saving his internet history and me having his email account information on his cell phone. I found a way to log in and checked his web history on a daily basis and soon found out that he was again watching pornography daily sometimes more than 2 times a day while his at work. I confronted him before. I had even asked him before if he was still viewing or how was it going, seeing that I knew it was his weakness area. I was hoping that he would be honest and tell me if he was still battling this problem but he would deny it. I had confronted him about it and he would deny it.
Now, that I’m aware that his seeing it again daily I don’t know how to confront him because he will deny it and tell me he doesn’t know how it got there. Seeing he would be argumental and that he has an anger problem I don’t have the strength to fight him on this topic. I’ve kept monitoring and seeing the sites his going.
Now, to the point I started viewing some of the videos and just trying to understand WHY/WHAT is it about this GIRLS that he can’t seem to let go. Because I have not given him a reason to go there our sex lives are good, meaning I don’t remember in our relationship ever denying him from having sex. Nor, have I given him the idea or feeling I’m not interested. We have a very active sex drive and I satisfy his needs. I don’t complain, I dont whine. I don’t feel we have a boring sex life. I don’t want to be explicit and describe everything but, in other words I don’t understand him. I’m trying to continue to love him but then where do I put my feelings, where do I hide the pain and hurt this is putting on me? He has no idea I’m aware.
I see he needs help and that I’m willing to support him and stand next to him. But, if he can’t even accept his problem then what can I do? We have other problems to add his son’s mom, I recently lost my job and am going through tough times. He so frequently talks about porn topics that now I’ve used them to try and question him as to why a married man would view porn if he’s so happy with his wife and happy with his sex life. He just answers it’s just something the person is used to. I really am trying to understand him, trying so much to not let this interfere in our marriage, and in me as a wife. I’ve tried to read so much about pornography to see if I can get an answer. I’ve prayed so many times, begged God, cried so much and I don’t know what to do.
I feel that the only thing I can do is to leave him because it’s just unbearable to know the man you love, the man who supposed to care and respect you is on a daily basis thrashing you, disrespecting you, and not caring if he’s hurting our marriage or not. I feel he’s being selfish and inconsiderate. I feel if he REALLY WANTED TO HE WOULD BE ABLE TO LET THAT GO… I feel I’m nothing compared to those nice bodied women. I feel I don’t have a chance, like if I’m competing against an impossible. But, I don’t want to give up on my husband and marriage. I’m just so confused and mixed with emotions that is eating me little by little.
Hi there. I feel the same as You. When you confront them, we become liars. They say they stopped, but they didn’t. I only cry. I’m praying do hard. I feel like crying for you cause I’m going through the same. Will include you when I’m praying for my marriage.
My husband is also an addict. I can’t take it anymore. I’m thinking of a separation. I have a very low self esteem after this. I’m very depressed, I eat junk to get over it. I used to always eat healthy and exercise. I hate myself now and dont care. I have so much pain and anger. He Always denies and makes me out to be a liar.
We cannot have a good time when we go anywhere as he’s always looking at women. It’s like he always thinking of women. He doesn’t feel anything when I tell him or when I cry. He says I’m a devil when I talk about it. I dont have any respect for him now. I feel that even if I’m over with him, I never want to marry again. What he’s doing to me, his mum told me that his dad did the same thing to her. My husband doesn’t show any love and doesn’t want to be romantic and don’t want to spend time. I need advice.
Sue and Gloria, I’m sorry you are going through all this. I hope your husbands are able to realize how they have affected you.
I had been using porn here and there when I was younger. But a little over a year ago it increased dramatically. There were times I would use it several times a day, and I thought it was harmless cause once I was done it was off my mind, for a while. Looking back, I realize I was becoming numb to my feelings and to the idea of the fantasies.
I ended up cheating on my wife, and looking back I’m still not sure what was going through my head. But what I do know is it took me a couple days to break down those emotional walls I had built up over the years so I could really show her my pain for hurting her and betraying our family. After that, day after day I cried and begged her, and the Lord’s forgiveness. At the house and in the car I would cry, and I still do at times while I do everything I can to rebuild our relationship and our marriage. I have completely surrendered to The Lord and continue to ask for him to guide her heart, and protection for her and our family. It has only been a few weeks, but since then I have not used porn or even pleasured myself. I know I still have a lot of work to do, but I’m willing to do it, and praying for the strength and support to beat this. I am also looking to be more involved in the church to keep close to friends who will stand by me.
I think the first step is for them to take the pain they have caused you to heart. If there is someone you can both confide in (pastor, mother, father, sister, brother or counselor) let everything out with the three of you there. Talk about everything you noticed and what it did to you, and do not block or numb any of your emotions. Let it all out! They will need to see the damage they caused. One very wise thing my mother told me after I confessed to her as well, was relating the situation to a wound. If you just cover it up, it will only get infected and cause more, and bigger problems. Though it will be very painful, you need to open it up to clean it out. After that, healing can begin. I will be praying for both of you! Be Strong!
Thanks Chris, for your encouraging words to Sue and Gloria. It sometimes can take a little bit of the sting away when someone who has “been there and has done that” reaches out and at least explains things a bit further. I hope you will keep reaching out to help others. Perhaps it can prevent someone else from going any further down or can help to reconcile a marriage… who knows how God can use it? But most of all, keep loving and affirming your wife. I have no doubt that she desperately needs it. And be as transparent as possible so she knows you are guarding your marriage from allowing this to happen again. We have different articles on this web site about putting up hedges and so, of protection. Please read them and see what you might be able to do so your marriage is better protected in the future.
I’m so glad you woke up, and hope you can help others to wake up, as well. May God bless you, your wife, and your sacred marriage.
Hi, I was addicted to porn about 10 yrs ago, then I stopped. I don’t remember how it all stopped. For 10 yrs I didn’t see porn at all nor did I ever feel the urge to see it. I was completely healed, and then suddenly in Feb this year I saw porn again. I’m in the process of getting out of it now. Its been about 3 months. My learning experience is as follows:
1) There is definitely an evil spirit attack on the person viewing porn as one is not able to have control on the urge to see it and the number of hours one spends on watching porn everyday. One has no control on one’s mind.
2) God made sex for procreation and not for pleasure. Sex is beautiful because it creates life. In the Bible in the old Testament, it is written that semen should not be dropped on the ground.
3) If you want to quit – then it’s advisable to confess to a close friend who you will be accountable to and this friend needs to ask you every day to give account of how you spent your day. You need to be extremely honest with this friend. Then you’ll heal. You need to have a high level of personal integrity and honesty if you want to stop the bad habit. And it works. I’ve tried it. It needs honesty.
3a) Try out the other options/ solutions suggested by other members on this site.
4) If one can meditate on worshipping the Name of the Creator then the spirit of lust will not attack you at all. Your mind can only entertain one thought at a time. All you have to do is praise and worship. Even saying Halleluyah continuously is enough. You can either say it in the your mind or you can be verbal. I pray to the God of Israel whose Name if Yahweh.
5) Since the devil can change form you never know who you’re with in a sexual manner. So don’t entertain sex fantasies at all. They’re very, very dangerous and can destroy your mind.
6) On the internet I found info that sexual orgasm and mood enhancing drugs release the chemical dopamine in the mind. Too much dopamine released in the brain, shrinks the frontal cortex of your brain. The frontal part of our head contains the pineal gland, which is the seat of wisdom and knowledge of right and wrong. When we abuse the chemical dopamine, all the frontal part of our brain shrinks and does not do its job. That is when people who are into drug abuse and porn and other related negative habits do what they want and hurt everyone in their life, because all they want is the release of the chemical dopamine in their brain -the extremely feel good factor. Once you know what porn does to your brain -it will help you to stop. You can check out online papers by Harvard Mental Health centre on the brain damage that happens due to porn and drugs use.
This is the first time I’ve shared this info online. I got the courage because so many of you shared your weaknesses on this site. I’m glad that I have shared. I hope it benefits and helps all who read it. God bless you all and keep you safe from the evil one.
Thank you Clara, for getting up the courage and reaching out to help others as you have been helped. We appreciate it, and I’m sure others will too. I pray it makes a positive difference. May the Lord help you to continue in victory… 3 months is a great start :)
I am so much worried about these bad video clips. 2 Months, I can stay stable after that slowly I will go and see some useful videos in YouTube from their automatically the page shows some bad thumbnails, from there going to worldly videos and from there to bad unseen videos. (It does not mean, In these 2 months, I did not visit YouTube. I use to visit but bad thumbnails did not show any effect on me) This is the procedure step by step I am entering into unseen videos. After seeing them I use to do masturbation. And I will calm down at that moment. 2 months nothing will happen but after long time, again falling down.
Here small thing that to be noticed is bad videos has nothing to do with me. Before getting into such videos, if I complete masturbation then there is nothing to do with that video. Small sperm cell is playing a lot with me. Meanwhile I am 25 Years old and not yet married. After doing all these I feel very bad about me and feel shame upon myself to talk with others, because I feel that I really did fornication with a woman or girl. At this situation, I will go to my room spending my time in prayer for 7 Hours, some times 10 hours, even sometimes giving long gap and spending in prayer for 2 to 3 days pleading with Lord for doing such a detestable act. (Not only at that times even the times, When I was okay I use to spend many hours with God)
Even doing like this also I am falling down, at some moment for this reason, I am so worried that the promises that Lord promised me, future ministry that Lord showing me to do,the rewards that I receive from Him, might be loosen. For that reason I was very very very much worried.
Please help me……Sometimes asking Lord I am doing such acts so, please take me from this earth. Not worthy to live on this earth, by bringing shame to your Holy and powerful name.