Marrying someone from another culture can be exciting! There are so many things that are new and different, interesting and challenging. But these same things can be a source of frustration and conflict, misunderstandings and hurt. Before you marry someone from another nation, take a look at the list below. Perhaps you will see some things there that you have not considered.
We are not trying to convince you that marrying someone from another culture is right or wrong. That is something you will have to determine for yourself, as you seek God’s wisdom. But the Word does say that a wise man calculates the cost before beginning construction on a house. Hopefully this will help you consider the cost of cross-cultural marriage.
Marrying Someone from Another Culture
Marrying someone from another culture could mean that one of you will be living outside of your home nation permanently. This means that you will not be able to see your family very often. It also means your children will see very little of at least one set of parents (their grandparents).
The following are a few questions to ask yourselves before you go any further in considering marrying someone from another culture:
• Are you willing for your children to not really know your parents?
Not only will your children not have the opportunity to know one set of grandparents very well, if there is a language barrier, one set of parents will not be able to really communicate well with your children.
• Are you willing for your family members to not be able communicate well with your children?
Marrying someone from another culture means that you will have a hard time understanding each other’s humor. Things that are funny to one will not be funny to the other. You will have to explain the humor to one another. (Examples are: Jokes from TV shows, childhood games, and comic strips.)
Also, When Marrying Someone from Another Culture Consider:
• Are you willing to take the time to explain why something is funny to you?
• Have you considered that you might get tired of having to explain jokes to one another?
• Are you ready to just accept the fact that you won’t be able to share each other’s humor?
Marrying someone from another culture means that one of you will not be experiencing your cultural traditions and/or national celebrations.
• Are you willing to let go of some of your traditions and celebrations?
Marrying someone from another culture means that one of you must be willing to not give your children the cultural traditions and national heritage that you have.
• Are you willing for your children to grow up with a different set of family traditions than your own?
Additionally:
You need to be aware that the day may come when you may need to move to your spouse’s home country.
• Are you willing to live in your spouse’s home country indefinitely?
You may need to consider that the socioeconomic class one holds in one culture, may not cross over in another culture. For example, a well educated man from Latin America may not receive the same respect he enjoys if he lived in the United States or Australia.
• Are you willing to lose your place in society?
• Have you considered how both of your cultures view cross cultural marriages? Light skinned people marrying dark skinned people may be perfectly OK in Venezuela, but frowned upon in S. Korea.
• Are you willing to face the possibility of being prejudiced against because of your spouse’s nationality or color?
Growing up in another culture means that the gender role models for your children may not be what you would consider to be good role models. (Examples are: Machismo in Latin America, and outspokenness in American women.)
Furthermore:
• Are you willing for your children to grow up with gender role models you don’t approve of?
You may need to consider the effect of the “home court advantage” on your marriage. If a foreign man marries an American woman and they live in the United States, she would be cast in the leadership role in some aspects of their relationship. (She would better understand the language and protocol of the nation.) Whereas if they lived in his nation, he would be able to lead out more effectively in their marriage.
• Have you considered how the “home court advantage” may affect your marriage relationship?
This article was written by Bill and Carol O’Hara. They are former missionaries, involved with Marriage Ministries International. They also formerly had their own web site along with their children Kim and Ryan. Unfortunately, it is no longer available on the Internet. That is where we found the above article posted.
— ALSO —
To give you further insight as to some of the positives and negatives when one marries someone else from another culture, the following Boundless.com web site link will take you to an article where you can read about several couples and their experiences within:
Finally, here’s one last article we recommend you read and work through:
• STEPPING OUT OF ONE FAMILY INTO ANOTHER
After reading all of this, please note that you may be a good couple to date each other. But it may be that the obstacles are too large to overcome for you and you shouldn’t marry. Or perhaps you will be good together. But whatever you do, make sure you both face the truth of what you will have to work through should you decide to marry.
Keep in mind that marriage is a lifelong commitment. If BOTH of you do not have the mindset and commitment to marry your differences together FOR A LIFETIME, you should not marry. But if you will both work through your differences in partnership, then take your request to marry to God and see what he tells you. But whatever you do, be honest with each other, with God and with yourself. Don’t marry unless you BOTH will work to make your marriage a good one.
If you have additional tips you can share to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Preparing for Marriage
(EMIRATES) I am Sudanese and I want to marry a guy from Bangladesh. I am positive that he is the one I want to marry, however, I have strong faith in allah as well. We do not talk as being Muslims. We cannot so we are just waiting for me to get into uni so he can come and ask for my hand. However, I pray to God that I end up marrying him and that my parents somewhat accept him. But I also pray that whatever happens, should happen, if it’s good for me as I don’t know everything and God does.
I really love his character but I don’t know what life has for me. I also try to think of both case scenarios so that my heart doesn’t break. I dont want to be too hard on myself since you don’t always get what you want in life.
(NETHERLANDS) Douggy, Sorry to hear that it didn’t work out, glad you weren’t married yet though? I would like to know more about your experience with Peruvian women, because I am involved with one at the moment. Would you mind sharing your experiences?
(HONDURAS) Hello, I would like to listen to your opinions, please. I have a relationship with a Jewish man. He is 56 and I am 48. It all started as a friendship. Now its been 2 and a half years of a relationship.
I have always had a problem with him, which is the fact that he is not a Christian. My second problem is that he’s still involved in his divorce process and because of all the ‘problems’ he has had through it, he is telling me that now he doesn’t want to marry again. Third problem so far. Right now, and because of this 3 things, I’ve asked him to give me time to think and consider my relationship with him but it’s breaking both my heart and his. We both want to be together again but don’t know what to do because we don’t see an easy solution. The divorce is no problem, but the other 2…
He is working in Mexico right now and I am living in Honduras. The distance helps a little, but we talk 2 to 3 times every day. We really miss each other. So far, we had not encountered a problem that we could not resolve ourselves. But this has really made us to suffer!! Do you think I should be with him while things resolve themselves?
(UGANDA) I still feel that where there is true love you can as well abide and give it a try… though you need to give a second thought as to what elders and your parents have to say about it. For you can’t tell your destiny. Sometimes God reveals to us whom we should marry. Try prayer, fasting, and having time with God in church. Present the guy’s photos to God while prayer. I believe God will answer you. He has done it to many that I know.
One thing you should not do is to rush for you might crash, and don’t wait, for you might be disappointed. This world is trembling. Your parents may be protecting you from something that is dangerous, that you might not be aware of. Have time with them too and try to probe further about why they are reacting like that. All the best.
(BELIZE) I wanna go to Tunisia and meet someone I met a long time on facebook. He is from Algeria. We want to get married in Tunisia but don’t know how will we arrange living cause we are both from other countries. Can he come with me to Belize? Will Algeria give him a visa? I don’t wanna be far away from my mom and my family. But I love him too.
(ALGERIA) I am agreement with this about marrying someone from another nation.
(PHILIPINES) For me God created man to be smart, not stupid. Many people, especially woman when they fall in love, can be so stupid. They don’t listen, even when they know there’s a bunch of conflict. They say there are happy even though they sacrifice a lot. They think of marriage like a fairy tale that will last forever naturally. But when reality strikes they give up and sometimes they are trapped.
Life is short. Plan well, think hard. Feelings are not permanent; they can change easily. In the Bible we can see that God doesn’t allow the Israelites to be married when they’re from different cultures. He preserves culture with good traits and beliefs that are close to him. I still prefer marrying your own kind, not only to preserve your culture, but to live a marriage that is life fulfilling.
(ENGLAND) I would think twice. I married a man who I loved very much and I still love him now but as a friend and father to my two grown up children. We separated after 15 years. I went to Spain to live with him. It was definely the differences in our cultures that ultimately led to our break up. I moved back very happily to the UK 3 years ago after having lived in Spain for 30 years.
My two kids followed -no work there. This is the hard part. My daughter has rejected my country, has decided that she is more Spanish than English. I really don’t like her for it. I see her as sniveling and alien. She likes it here but needs to be there -obviously it is psychological. Spain is only two hours away and she’s acting a bit desperate. However, I must keep quiet otherwise we would fall out, big time. I’m having trouble getting over this. She is alien to me. No problem with son -I suppose I don’t identify with him as much. He’s like a ray of sunshine over here and doesn’t act so desperate. I think she needs help, but it’s up to her. Think twice, it’s great to love someone but your children will not know the same things as you -ever
(UK) Diane, I do think your daughter is more comfortable identifying with what she wants and it’s best to keep it that way. Your marriage only ended because you don’t like Spain and the culture. What about your husband? The person he is? Why would you want to trouble your relationship with your daughter if she finds herself more Spanish? Respectfully, I must say is that I hope you see through God’s word to hold on to your close relationshps and not end it over something that has nothing to do with hurting another intentionally.
(TAIWAN) I am 26 years old from Taiwan and my partner is 25 years old from Thailand. I spent 13 years growing up in Taiwan and another 13 years in Thailand. However, I have this Chinese curtrual belief and a little bit of western points of views because I have been taught by American and westerner teachers. On the other hand, my partner spent his life in a very Thai society.
We dated for almost 7 years, and we have been discussing about marriage and having kids. We have a very different points of view. My family lives in Taiwan, and he does not see them or want to go back to my home country to visit my family. For the past 7 years, he has only visited there twice.
Recently, he strongly disagreed about me giving birth in my home country in the future, and also strongly disagrees about me going back home to visit my family more than once a year. What do I do with these issues? I am very not okay with what he say about me seeing my family. Can anyone guide me please????
(US) I am to marry a man from Ireland. I don’t know where to start or how to begin. Please help me.
(UNITED KINGDOM) Hi, I am Ugandan and have been married to a Ghanian for 3 years. We have 2 kids together but have recently found out that not only does his parents know he’s married they told him if he ever married a woman from a different country from him they would disown him, as they live in a different country from us. He went ahead and married me without me knowing that his parents weren’t on board.
His parents are just finding out now that he’s married. He said to them that he loves me and his kids and what’s to be with me? Can you believe their response was it’s not too late to leave her. I am so hurt by what’s going on. Any advice would be nice, please.
I’m marrying a UK citizen and he’s moving over here. It is a big sacrifice on his part for he loves his country. We haven’t ruled out moving over there one day but it is a matter of going where the Holy Spirit leads us. My heart goes out to him and I want him to have wonderful things to remind him of home and help with homesickness. I have a few ideas and a few things but I feel it isn’t enough. I always used to think that there weren’t many differences between our two countries… and while we aren’t polar opposites…those little differences all add up.
Do not underestimate your loved ones obstacle of adjustment even if they have a similar culture and don’t belittle their feelings on it. It’s a huge thing they are doing for you. I just pray one day I can return the gift.
Hello, I want some insight on my situation. I met a man from Sudan and found out he is 15 years younger than me. He is 39 and I am 54, but I look 42. I first met him to share the gospel of Jesus Christ, but then he came to church with me. He is a Christian, but used to be Muslim. He is not walking with Christ, but believes. We got involved physcially (sad to say). Initially I was the one calling him and saw him once every two weeks.
Now all of a sudden he wants to marry me after knowing each other for a few months. He says he loves me and seems geniune, but I am cautious. He says we are like Mohamed and Kadisha, which is a muslim thing. I have been following Christ for 15 years and I am worried. He says we can get married and try our best, but if it does not work then we knew we tried (What??). He also says the only thing that might be a problem is the cultural differences. I am a white American woman and very independent. He is divorced and has his ex wife in Sudan with his 2 sons. He also has children out of marriage from when he was 15 and 16. He also likes to go to Reggae clubs and dance. I probably know the answer but want some opinions. Thanks much. God Bless.
Patti, You’re right, you DO “know the answer.” Please listen to the promptings of the Holy Spirit on this. There are red flags waving everywhere warning you that this marriage would almost certainly be a disaster. The “cultural differences” aren’t the only differences you have going on that could cause be a “problem.” The fact that he is “not walking with Christ” is a HUGE problem. You would be unequally yoked in many areas of your life –pulling against each other in so many ways. What would make you think this would be a good idea to marry?
Please be wiser here and back off from entertaining the idea of marriage to this guy. Anyone who thinks it’s okay to get married, try your best and has the attitude that “if it does not work out then we knew we tried” is NOT someone you want to make your vow to God with. Patti, I sense that you are wiser than this. It doesn’t matter how nice he is, or “genuine” or whether he is in love with you and you with him –this is NOT a marriage made in heaven –quite the opposite. Raise your standards higher than to allow yourself to get involved with someone who will not be a good marriage partner for you in so many ways.
Re-read your comment. If a Christian came to you asking for your advice and described the situation to you that you did here, what would you tell them? I’m thinking you’d tell them to run as far in the opposite direction from marrying each other as it’s possible. Please take that advice. He might be a nice guy, but that doesn’t mean that you would both be good for each other or that your marriage would be something that would lead others to want to know your God better. I pray for you and hope the best for you.
So I’m Asian and I met a Nigerian man when I was volunteering overseas this summer in Cambodia. The Nigerian man (he’s 27) is over there as a soccer player. I’ve only seen him 4 – 5 times while I was over there and it’s been 4 months now but we are still talking (not via Skype or anything, just via Facebook). We talk every day for a few hours. And he says he loves me and all but I don’t think there is anyway we can ever be together right???… I mean I would really love to marry him, but what about work, and getting a visa? He has only had education in Nigeria up until he was 15, and I feel like no one would hire him in a developed country (let me know if I’m wrong on this part). So I feel like… we are just stuck like this.
Chloe, This is difficult to know what will happen. There’s no doubt that you would have a lot of differences to overcome. And unless you’re really, really sure you want to overcome and work through this many obstacles –many, which might not be totally resolvable –ones you would just have to keep working with for the rest of your lives together (such as cultural differences), it might not be good to keep going along in this relationship. I can’t tell you what to do. You have to count the high cost.
One of my sons was going with a gal for a period of time who lived over seas. They met when they were both studying abroad at the same University. And even though they got along really good and enjoyed being together when they could be, they finally concluded that they were geographically incompatible. There were more differences to overcome than they cared to try to keep bridging …differences that they would have to work on for a lifetime. They both decided that they would let their relationship go before things got even more complicated. This is something you and this guy need to decide. Just because you enjoy seeing each other, and talking, and feel an attraction to each other, it doesn’t mean that you would be the best husband and wife together. This is something you need to prayerfully decide. NOW is the time to decide. Once you marry, it will be your lifelong mission to make things work, despite your many differences. You are at a crossroad time in your life, deciding if you should continue to go on together or part because of the many differences. I pray you make the right decision.
My name is Don. Recently I met a wonderful Christian Filipino woman who lives and works in Hong Kong. I am 53 and divorced, she is 51 and never married. We met on Facebook and found ourselves in love with one another within a month. We plan on marrying in the Philippines in November of 2014. We talk constantly on messenger in Facebook. We believe God brought us together for a reason. We both love the Lord, but at times we struggle with sexual thoughts. Is that normal or healthy?