I would venture to say that most marital difficulties center around one fact. Men and women are TOTALLY different. The differences (emotional, mental, and physical) are extreme. Without a concentrated effort to understand them, it is nearly impossible to have a happy marriage. A famous psychiatrist once said, “After thirty years of studying women, I ask myself, ‘What is it that they really want?'” If this was his conclusion, just imagine how little we know about our wives.
You may already be aware of some of the differences. Many, however, will come as a complete surprise. Did you know, for instance, that every cell in a man’s body has a chromosome makeup entirely different from those in a woman’s body?
How about this next one? Dr. James Dobson says there is strong evidence indicating the “seat” of the emotions in a man’s brain is wired differently than in a woman’s. By virtue of these two differences, men and women are miles apart emotionally and physically. Let’s examine some of the differences between men and women.
MENTAL/EMOTIONAL DIFFERENCES:
Women tend to be more personal than men.
Women have a deeper interest in people and feelings —in building relationships. Men tend to be more preoccupied with practicalities that can be understood through logical deduction. Men tend to be more challenge-and-conquer oriented —competing for dominance. Hence, you see their strong interest in sports such as football and boxing.
Why would a woman be less interested in a boxing match? It’s because close, loving relationships are usually not developed in the ring! Also, watch what happens during many family vacations. He is challenged by the goal of driving 400 miles a day. On the other hand, she wants to stop now and then to drink coffee, relax and relate. He thinks that’s a waste of time because it would interfere with his goal.
Men tend to be less desirous and knowledgeable in building intimate relationships, both with God and with others.
For example, women are usually the ones who buy marriage books. They are usually the ones who develop the initial interest in knowing God and attending church. When a man realizes his wife is more naturally motivated to nurture relationships, he can relaxes. He feels he can accept these tendencies.
Do you realize that your wife’s natural ability for developing relationships can help you fulfill the two greatest commandments taught by Christ? I’m talking about loving God and loving others (Matt 22:36-40). Jesus said that if we obey these two commandments, we are fulfilling all the commandments. Think of it! Your wife has the God-given drive and ability to help you build meaningful relationships in both of these areas.
God knew you needed special help. He stated, “It is not good for the man to alone. I will make him a helper [and completer] suitable for him” (Genesis 2:18). If you let her, your wife can open up a new world of communication and deeper relationships.
Dr. Cecil Osborne, in his book The Art of Understanding Your Mate, said women become an intimate part of the people they know and the things that surround them. They enter into a kind of “oneness” with their environment. Though a man relates to people and situations, his identity is not usually entwined with them. He somehow remains apart. That’s why a woman, viewing her house as an extension of herself, can be hurt when it’s criticized by others.
Women tend to find their identity in close relationships. Men tend to gain their identity through vocations.
Because of a woman’s emotional identity with people and places around her, she needs more time to adjust to change. She sees that changes may affect her relationships. A man can logically deduce the benefits of a change. He gets “psyched-up” for it in a matter of minutes. This is not so, with a woman. She focuses on immediate consequences, and needs time to overcome the initial adjustment before warming up to its advantages.
Men tend to express their hostility through physical violence. Women tend to be more verbally expressive.
PHYSICAL DIFFERENCES:
Dr. Paul Popenoe, is the founder of the American Institute of Family Relations in Los Angeles. He dedicated many years to the research of biological differences between the sexes.
Some of his findings are listed below:
- The woman has a greater constitutional vitality. This may be perhaps, because of her unique chromosome makeup. Normally, female outlives male by three or four years in the U.S.
- A woman’s metabolism is normally lower than man’s.
- Men and women differ in skeletal structure. Women having a shorter head, broader face, less protruding chin, shorter legs, and longer trunk.
- A woman has larger kidneys, liver, stomach, and appendix than man, but smaller lungs.
- Women have several unique and important functions. They include menstruation, pregnancy, lactation. A woman’s hormones are of a different type and more numerous than man’s.
- The woman’s thyroid is larger and more active. It enlarges during pregnancy and menstruation. This makes a woman more prone to goiter. It is also associated with her smooth-skinned, relatively hairless body and thick layer of subcutaneous fat.
Plus:
- A woman’s blood contains more water and 20 percent fewer red cells. Since the red cells supply oxygen to the body cells, a woman tires more easily. She is more prone to faint. Her constitutional vitality is, therefore, limited to “life span.” (When the working day in British factories was increased from ten to twelve hours under wartime conditions, accidents increased 150 percent among women. It didn’t increase at all among men.)
- On the average, a man possesses 50 percent more brute strength than woman. (40 percent of a man’s body weight is muscle, while 23 percent of a woman’s is muscle.)
- The woman’s heart beats more rapidly. (The average is 80 beats per minute vs. 72 for a man.) A woman’s blood pressure (10 points lower than man’s) varies from minute to minute. But she has less tendency toward high blood pressure. That is true, at least until after menopause.
- Also, a woman’s vital capacity or breathing power is significantly lower than man’s.
- A woman withstands high temperatures better than man. That’s because her metabolism slows down less.
SEXUAL DIFFERENCES:
- A woman’s sexual drive tends to be related to her menstrual cycle. A man’s drive is fairly constant. The hormone testosterone is a major factor in stimulating a man’s sexual desire.
- A woman is stimulated more by touch and romantic words. She is far more attracted by a man’s personality. A man is stimulated by sight. He is usually less discriminating about those to whom he is physically attracted.
- A man needs little or no preparations for sex. Yet a woman often needs hours of emotional and mental preparation. Harsh or abusive treatment can easily remove her desire for sexual intimacy for days at a time.
- When a woman’s emotions have been trampled by her husband, she is often repulsed by his advances. Many women feel like prostitutes when they’re forced to make love while feeling resentment toward their husbands. However, a man may have NO idea what he is putting his wife through when he forces sex upon her.
These basic differences usually surface soon after the wedding. They are the source of many conflicts in marriage. From the start, the woman has a greater intuitive awareness of how to develop a loving relationship. Because of her sensitivity, she is initially more considerate of his feelings. She is also enthusiastic about developing a meaningful, multi-level relationship. That is, she knows how to build something more than a sexual marathon. She wants to be a lover, a best friend, and an appreciated partner.
However:
- The man does not generally have her instinctive awareness of what the relationship should be. He doesn’t know how to encourage and love his wife. He is unaware of how to treat her in a way that meets her deepest needs.
Since he doesn’t have an understanding of these vital areas through intuition, he must rely solely upon the knowledge and skills he has acquired prior to marriage. His only education may be the example he observed in his home. For many of us, that example might have been insufficient. We enter marriage knowing everything about sex. And yet we know very little about genuine, unselfish love.
Different Approaches
I am not saying men are more selfish than women. I’m simply saying that at the outset of a marriage a man is not as equipped to express unselfish love. He isn’t as aware of how to nurture a marriage into a loving and lasting relationship as a woman is.
…Now that you know WHY men and women cannot understand their respective differences without great effort, I hope you will have more hope. I also hope you will have more patience as you endeavor to strengthen and deepen your relationship with your wife [or husband].
This article comes from the book, If Only He Knew: What No Woman Can Resist. It is
— ALSO —
Authors, Shaunti Feldhahn and Robert Lewis explain more concerning the differences between men and women in the Crosswalk.com web linked article below:
• THE WONDERFUL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN
If you have additional tips you can share to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: For Married Men For Married Women
(USA) Thank you for this article.
I wonder how many men will read it? My husband won’t read anything I put in front of him. It’s up to me to read it to him…if he will listen to it.
I’ve known many of the differences between men and woman. I wasn’t surprised by any of them. And having been married for 30+ years, I pretty much found out on my own.
But, how I wish, I’d known these differences in the early years of our marriage. It took years to understand him..and myself.
I pray, that many young marrieds will read this article or purchase the book it came from.
Joy in Jesus to you
(ETHIOPIA) The differences between men and women are interesting. This indicates how God is so wise!!! We may miss this generation if there were no differences between men and women. In my opinion, a husband and a wife should have differences to continue their relationship. If they are similar in all dimensions, they may fight each other emotionally, physically, bla… blally, and may go to death. I have have no question about why the differences come. I wonder, if anyone would answer my question. On average, why are women weaker in their physical structure than men? What could be the logic behind? What could happen, if it was the reverse?
(USA) Thank you so very much for this article!!! My husband did not grow up with a mother and we just now realized that that’s why he has a hard time understanding my emotions. We are newly married and we want to start things off right. I am so glad I found your Christian sight. All the other sites try to degrade one sex or the other and I hate it.
I know my husband will want to read this. He is genuinely interested in the success of our marriage and a happy future together. I thank God for him!! God bless your sight!!!
(PHILIPPINES) I definitely agreed with those facts and information… can you give more reasons why men and women think far differently?
(ONLY AMERICA) Wow! I’m laughing out loud here because everything I’ve read here is true! My girlfriend agrees!
(INDIA) This is a wonderful article. I think this is the kind of education requird for married men also women. But unfortunately this kind of education is not in Indian culture.
(USA) Unfortunately it’s not in a lot of cultures. I used to date a man from Iran, and he was definitely clueless on all of this. It’s not that he didn’t care to figure it out (like stereotypes of mideast presume), but it got too frustrating for me for all the hurts I had to experienced as he learned one thing at a time about women through trial and error.
(USA) Pardon my saying, but this article seems heavily biased in the belief that men are brutes. I can understand your statements about which is more interested in building social bonds, because overall, it’s true. However, all of your comments at the end, make the common man sound like a sex-driven creature that has no thought for a woman’s feelings.
“I am not saying men are more selfish than women. I’m simply saying that at the outset of a marriage a man is not as equipped to express unselfish love or as desirous of nurturing marriage into a loving and lasting relationship as a woman is.” Is not a valid statement. A woman’s view on a relationship is not ‘better’ than a man’s. Relationships are give and take. There are many marriages that work, and I’ve seen plenty of women that are cruder and crueler than men. So saying “women are more equipped” isn’t true at all! One’s views on sex are purely one’s own. I know women that are like “great, let’s ____!” and I’m dating one where we are saving ourselves for if/when we marry.
Basically, I’m just saying that, while most of your article is facts (despite slanting it towards women by using violent adjectives for men, and dainty ones for women), your section on sexual differences is largely opinions that aren’t valid. Women aren’t sweet, romantic creatures. They can be crueler than men, and hurt you far deeper, and just as lustful.
(USA) Thanks, I totally agree with your comments… it seems like all marriage advise comes back to man’s desires or relational skills are the root problem. As a Christian, I have turned to the Church or like Christian institutions for guidance, counsel and direction and it seems like most of the solutions come back around to you’re a man and your needs, wants and desires are really the problem…
(AUSTRALIA) I agree with the above posts. It seems that a lot of relationship advice seems to tip-toe around [at times] a women’s emotionally charged irrational reasoning. Perhaps the writers figure that women are more likely to read the article so why risk losing your intended audience.
When did we start treating women’s emotions like a ticking-time bomb that a man must service at all costs? Aren’t marriage partners both adults who have committed to a relationship in front of God and the community? Don’t women also have a responsibility to not always act how they feel?
I would encourage women who are genuinely interested in learning more about their husbands and themselves to seek out the truth even when it may be hard to hear.
PS: All men do not solve their issues physically and to be fair, there are many women handle their emotions with grace and humility.
(USA) This is one thing my mother expressed to me about her marital sex-life (warning me once I was married) over the common frustration of being still hurt over something my dad did 2 weeks or 4 months ago (or a general build up from past problems) and him wanting to make love and her just not being emotionally up to it. Of course, this made no sense to him with her rejecting him over past issues and past events and it hurt his feelings. He saw it as resentment and her holding an unfair grudge against him, maybe even punishing him for past mistakes.
But it wasn’t my mother’s intent to do any of that. She just couldn’t jump in bed the same day he was in the mood. She needed to have a build of emotions of the last few months -not the few hours. Certain types of hurts that need longer times to heal, needed to still heal, despite whatever day or scenery it is. It doesn’t make my dad a brute, though they had a reoccurring situation like this article. He had a very sensitive and gentle personality. In fact, usually my mom was the one accused of being the “guy” in the relationship.
(USA) This article really touched my heart! I am really going to focus on my relationship with my husband, and talk to him about our differences. I am goimg to visit this site with him more often!
(CAMEROON) Hello, It’s quite amazing for me to gather some wonderful tips about relationship between a man and a woman. I thank God for Dr Gary Smalley for his kind gesture, can’t wait to always visit your site. I now see that there is lots to learn.
This is really a venture for virtues to come. I am not married but being 24 years of age, I shall conceive more of your ideas so as to build up my aspired future home. I love that and more grease to your elbow. I REALLY NEED A NEW RELATIONSHIP SO AS TO START A NEW LIFE WITH A FIRM RELATIONSHIP.
(USA) I was reading your page on the “Understanding the Differences between Men and Women” and I find it very good, and probably “right on”. However, I am a Nurse, doing some research work on this subject for an article for our Church, and wondered if you have “References” for your facts? I would be interested on where you got most of your information. Thanks so much for the interesting article.
(ZIMBABWE) I am recently married (01-08-2010) and I started a young adults group in our local church. I found your information helpful and I intend to discuss further with our group. As Christian group we are looking for more information, but I am finding it difficult to get Bible verse that can back up your good information. If you do have any Bible references it would help me. Can we expect more information? Because I like the way you brought out the sexual differences. Can you comment on men’s ego/pride and how women can handle a man’s ego?
(AUSTRALIA) I guess when we study and understand how God created man, that is how we can understand how to handle their ego…!
The only way to satisfy sexuality after marriage is when we take this part of activity as a loving couple that God blesses us, and understand what Solomon in the Bible how he express to his lover without feeling uneasy with it. A marriage involved with God in every part of a marriage couple life and activity….!
(USA) I’m with Alfred on this one. This is just another article on how men need to be more feminine rather than the cavemen that they are. I guess it makes sense though. You can make a headline saying “Women really are smarter than men” and get nothing but praise for it. Likewise you can get a headline saying “Men excel more than women in the hard sciences” and the writer is a sexist pig. I don’t see how any self respecting man can read this article and give it any kind of praise.
(USA) Thanks, for your comments…totally agree!!!!
(UK) Reading this makes me wonder if we are living in the 21st century and not the 19th as it’s so Victorian in attitude. Compared to the similarities, the differences between men and women are minute, and certainly not as clear-cut as the author would have us believe. We are all individuals, no matter what our physical sex…men and women are not different species virtually incapable of understanding each other, no matter how much you would like to believe that to be true.
Let’s just look at a couple of points, shall we? As a woman I am supposed to be nurturing, desire relationships, etc,etc. Basically, I am supposed to want that more than anything else in life. How is it then that I am somewhat a loner, people tire me out and I get huge satisfaction from studying Biochemistry, and figuring out problems yet my husband is very sociable, caring, intuitive and desires many close relationships? In fact he is always the one trying to encourage me to be more friendly, etc.
As for boxing, I am the one who enjoys watching it whilst it totally disgusts my husband, who thinks it barbaric. I could go on but I haven’t the time. Am I any less a woman and he a man – no! We are both individuals who happen to be female and male expressing our preferences. And we have been happily married for 17 years. Oh, I like talking about feelings alright – ones of anger and disgust about tired and outdated attitudes that put us back at least 100 years.
There’s no 100 per cent application you can make with almost any tendency in life. We’re created as intelligent human beings. So use that intelligence and interpolate. It doesn’t make one of you more feminine than the other or one of you more masculine. It is what it is. If you and your husband are exceptions to a “general rule” (and I use that term lightly), then just look at the differences as they are and go with them. The point is that we have differences to work with. So work with them. Embrace the differences and make them work for your marriage.
(USA) In my admittedly limited experience I think the problem is that men and women do not take the time to learn about each other. It’s not that they can’t, it’s that they don’t want to take the time. So they just assume that it should happen a certain way automatically!
Unfortunately, even if we did take the time, I think it would be hard to learn how to enjoy what the other sex has to offer unless each of them is willing to put considerable effort into appreciating the other side’s point of view and interests.
That is why sex is so important, but also too important. It becomes the only thing that is mutually satisfying if done well. People expect sex to make up for everything else that is missing in a relationship. With that kind of expectation it is easy to see why sexual problems occur. Then when that happens there is nothing to hold two people together! I think the perfect solution to this would be to spend more time exploring other ways to enjoy each other’s company. But we won’t do that because that takes effort and time. Most people want it ‘right now’ with very little effort!
(KENYA) I am very happy to join Marriage Missions International, hoping to learn more from you people as we come up with solutions affecting our marriages. Thank you, Edwin
(INDIA) Thank you for these wonderful & knowledgeable insights. I am newly married and some of the differences between men & women confused me until I read this page. It has been most helpful. Now I can make sure I do not accuse my husband of not being intuitive enough about intimacy & building a deep relationship & instead focus on finding innovative ways to make my marriage successful despite the different make-up of men & women.
(USA) Divorce stats blow this one up. Women tend to file for divorce 3x to 4x more frequently than do men. Therefore, one cannot say that women are more interested in building intimate relationships with people when they are usually not the ones who propose marriage, but are the majority of those who file for divorce.
Since most divorces are NOT for marital misconduct such as adultery, abuse or addiction, I think we need to re-think the mistaken notion that women are more interested in intimate relationships. Given that the numbers of women who choose divorce outnumbers men by 3 or 4 times the number of men choosing divorce, the theory doesn’t hold water.
Folks interested in intimate relationships do not divorce their spouse, especially when their spouse is not engaged in marital misconduct.
For those who might want to say men have more affairs than women, I ask, really? Are these men having affairs with other men? Of course not, they are having affairs with women. Therefore, both genders are equally represented, statistically speaking, when it comes to involvement in affairs.
I tend to agree with those who see this as a bash men article and saying that if men were more in touch with their relationship building side, things would be better.
I say if women were less in touch with their relationship destruction side, you would have 75% less divorce and therefore, more intact families. I agree there are differences. If the goal is to say there are differences, accept them, then I agree with this article. If the goal is to say there are differences and if men would only get on board…, well then it’s just a lie from the pit of hell.
So I’ll say it again, as long as women outnumber men by 3 or 4 to 1 when it comes to choosing divorce, then I wholly reject the notion that women are more interested in an emotionally intimate relationship. Current divorce stats in America blow up this notion and expose the lie it is.