Above all else, guard your heart, for it affects everything you do. (Proverbs 4:23)
Kate found out her husband was having an affair the same week he asked her for a divorce —she didn’t see it coming. She told me, “My ‘gut’ was telling me that things weren’t quite right, but Bob had convinced me that I was just paranoid and insecure. I had no idea he was such a good liar. He talked me out of my suspicions.” So, what ARE some of the warning signs of infidelity?
I asked her, “Could you make a list of his unusual behaviors? New actions that weren’t necessarily bad just odd. But now, looking back, you see them as signs that he was having an affair?”
Here is Kate’s top-ten list:
1. About six months ago, he started working longer hours and having more “client dinners.”
2. When he was home, he would seem restless and often claim he had “work” to do, so he spent a lot of time in the den —with the door closed.
3. He started some new patterns that I thought were wonderful. He took the dog for long walks, and offered to run errands for me in the evenings. If I commented that I wished I had some cookies for the kids’ lunches, he’d say, “I’ll be happy to go to the store for you.” I found out later that he’d call his mistress on his cell phone while he was walking or running errands.
4. He gave me a goofy, silly card for my birthday instead of his usual romantic, sentimental one, and he only signed his name —not Love, Bob.
5. Our sex life lost its sizzle. On the rare occasions when we did make love, it felt awkwardly cold – just a physical act, not an emotional connection. I think he may have felt as if he was being unfaithful to his girlfriend by sleeping with me.
6. He started referring to a person at work named Pierce. He would tell me how funny and talented Pierce was. That was his mistress’s last name!
7. He started to skip desserts and be very careful about what he ate —he lost weight and started exercising.
8. He dyed his hair —to cover the gray. “She” is twelve years younger than he is.
9. He seemed more short-tempered. Things that didn’t usually bother him suddenly did. He was especially impatient with the children.
10. After I saw the way he reacted to “her” at a company party, I asked him if there was something between them, and he lied to my face. Looking back, I know he lied to me about credit card and cell phone bills, and that most of the new clients he’d been taking to dinner were not clients at all.
Kate summed it all up:
“I wish I’d been more alert. I just didn’t put all the pieces together until it was too late.”
When Secret Service agents guard the President, they continually scan the crowd. They’re looking for unusual movements or odd behaviors that may be an indication of danger. The agents have studied how innocent people usually behave, so they can spot a person who’s acting “guilty.” We can apply some of these lessons to guarding our marriages.
These are some of the warming signs of Infidelity:
1. Changing eating and sleeping patterns;
2. Wearing a different style of clothes;
3. Starting arguments or becoming very passive;
4. Working longer or different hours;
5. Pulling away from church and extended family;
6. Taking more showers than usual;
7. Comparing his or her spouse to other people;
8. Hiding credit card charges and cash withdrawals
9. Taking off his or her wedding ring.
10. Becoming secretive or defensive about phone calls and emails
You don’t need to be paranoid or to see things that aren’t there. I don’t recommend that you spy on your spouse —but if you need to, feel free. It would be wise, however, to be on guard.
Guard Yourself
Affairs begin in many ways and for many reasons, so we must be always on guard for the slightest hint of temptation. Because hints turn into flirtations, flirtations turn into attractions, attractions turn into affairs, and affairs turn into disasters. 1 Corinthians 10:13 says that God will always provide a way of escape, but we have to make a decision to run toward the door.
When you’re guarding your marriage, you’re not guarding just your spouse, but guarding yourself too. I rationalized my way into a boatload of trouble because I thought; “The rules don’t apply to me. I’ve been to Bible College, I’m smart, I have self-control, and I can stop before it gets too far.” All lies!
Office Infidelity
My affair began at work, so I’m an expert on workplace temptation. Once, the most common type of office infidelity was between male bosses and females who were lower-ranking employees, but that’s changed in the last ten years. With more and more women working, the most common office affair is between coworkers. The man I had my affair with (Jake) was not my boss; we were both sales reps —equals
My relationship with Jake started innocently. I noticed that we laughed at the same things, and he noticed that we liked similar music, so we started to sit together at lunch. We were just friends —until we weren’t.
Remembering…
I remember the first time we went out of the friendship zone and into the danger zone. We were sitting next to each other at a sales meeting when his leg brushed up against mine. I felt a spark at the contact point and was a bit disappointed when he pulled away. A few minutes later, he shifted slightly in his chair and his leg, from knee to thigh, pressed gently against mine. I liked it, and I didn’t pull away.
I should have. But because I didn’t, I sent him a signal that I was unguarded. We both began to look for excuses to be together. If I’d not responded to his flirtations, I would have avoided the biggest regret of my life.
Be on the Guard
Coworkers sometimes work on projects or solve problems together, and the resulting closeness can build teamwork —but it can also build a feeling of intimacy. If you feel an attraction to someone in your office, consider a transfer to a different department, a different position, or maybe you should quit. No job is more valuable than your marriage. I knew that I could not continue to work with Jake without being tempted, so I quit my job the same day I confessed my affair to my husband.
Be honest with yourself. If you’re dressing to please someone else or lingering in the parking lot hoping that person will ask you to lunch, stop now, before you’ve gone too far. If you’re in doubt as to what conduct is inappropriate, ask yourself, “Would I do this in front of my spouse?” And if you’re still not sure, ask yourself, ” Would I do it in front of the Lord?” (You are, you know.) Here’s a simple rule to keep you on the straight and narrow: If you’d have to hide it or lie about it —don’t do it!
Be Honest About Weaknesses
The key to growing effective guarding hedges is to be honest about your weaknesses, both as individuals and as a couple. Set up distinct boundaries and enforce them. If your spouse reminds you of the rules, don’t be defensive or point out your mate’s faults; accept his or her correction because it’s for the greater good of the marriage. Some of the most difficult phrases to say —you’re right and I’m sorry —can save your marriage —and your love.
When Secret Service agents guard the President, they regard the President’s life as more important than their own individual lives. Guard your marriages in the same way. You may be required to sacrifice part of your individual life —hobbies, profession, TV time, computer time, sports activities —to strengthen your marriage. If you’re both willing to make your marriage a priority, however, and guard it from internal and external dangers, your home will be a safe haven.
1 Thessalonians 4:3 says:
“It is God’s will that you should be holy; that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like those who do not know God.”
The above article was adapted from the book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome: How to Grow Affair Proof Hedges Around Your Marriage
Author Nancy Anderson and her husband Ron speak nationally to couples’ groups of all denominations. They share their message of hope and restoration with tenderness and humor. If you live in the United States and would like for them to speak with your group please contact them at www.RonAndNancyAnderson.com. You may also want to visit their blog at www.joyfulmarriage.blogspot.com.
Filed under: Emotional & Physical Affair
(UGANDA) I think you should talk to him and present your fears. In the same way you are protecting his ego, you need to put yourself first. Even the bible says "love your neighbour as you love yourself" meaning you cant love your neighbour if you don’t love yourself. Also, Jesus says, "my people perish because of lack of knowledge" meaning you need to be in the know, then make a decision based on that info.
(NIGERIA) Well, there is a need to figure out and discuss things where neccessary under a condusive atmosphere and not in passive circumstances. If you are afraid, please pray for him and hand him over to the Holy Spirit to take away his peace until he confesses his action. God answer prayers!
Amen!
I liked that!
(ZIMBABWE) My husband got a job in Maseru and went to work there and find accommodations before we joined him. He was there for about 5 months as he kept postponing our going there. When we finally went my first suspicion that he was seeing someone was a pair of ladies earing in our bedroom of which I asked him and he said he didn’t know where they came from. For about another month I didn’t notice anything as he used to go out with friends after work every Friday. But he started going out more often and I could almost tell that if he came home early on Monday, Tuesday he would go out Wednesday early and Thursday, Friday and sometimes Saturday or Sunday. One day when he came home around 12 midnight I stole his mobile phone and started going thru dialed numbers. I noticed a contact written UNISA which stands for University of South Africa but he had called the number around 11pm. I saved the number on my phone and called it with a hidden ID and a woman answered. I didn’t not ask the next day; he wasn’t settled and looked for an excuse to go out.
On another day I stole his phone at night and saw in the in box a message from same woman written ‘I can’t answer the phone right now; I am with my husband’ That’s when I asked him and he started lying; he didn’t know the woman blablabla. I was so mad and told him I wanted to go back to Zim for separation. Then he sent me an email about research which said a man had mistresses because their wives became boring but they wouldn’t divorce their wives.
He now started playing golf where he comes home very late as he says after golf they go and drink beer with friends. One day I sent a message using his phone to the mistress saying ‘I miss you and I am coming to screw you right now.’ I wanted to findout if he was sleeping with her and she replied, call me. I deleted the message but when he spoke to the woman he came back home and slapped me many times on my face and said I was supposed to apologise to the woman which I refused to do. I have a red eye after the beating and a swollen face. I called the woman and she said to me it is my husband that was after her and I should not bother her.
I just don’t know what to do and am very depressed and can’t sleep or eat. Don’t know whether to consider divorce but I know it’s very bad for the kids. I can’t trust anything that comes out of his mouth. I have also noticed that it’s more than 1 woman whom he calls some at night and if I ask him he will always says someone borrowed my phone; I don’t know the woman.
Please help am a Catholic Christian.
(UNITED STATES) Shamiso, you cannot trust your husband. He had an affair. Sometimes marriages can be saved. But your husband beat you. You should not allow that kind of abuse to go on.
According to the Bible, you have the right to get a divorce. God does not expect you to stay in a situation like this. He does not want you to be hurt emotionally or physically. You should definitely separate until your husband gets counseling for his abusive behavior. It could take a long time for him to change, if ever. God is on your side and loves you. He wants you to be healthy and safe.
(KENYA) Hi Shamiso, I am so sorry for what you are going through, it’s very sad. As a Christian, I’d like to urge you to turn to God, pray for your husband and for your family and for yourself for God to give you peace and restraint. It’s obvious from all you have seen and heard that he is having an affair and truthfully, you should not have any beef with the other woman. It’s your husband you need to deal with. So don’t call or contact her anymore. There’s no need going through his phone because you already know what is going on and you will get hurt more and more. So just deal with the situation.
Such husbands never go anywhere and besides, this woman is married so really, they won’t last. But pray for him to realise that what he is doing is wrong. Avoid confrontations; it won’t solve a thing, will just make him grow madder and madder, as in you will be giving him an opportunity to say he can’t stay in the house because you are nagging bla bla bla.
Instead pray for peace within you and for God to show you a clear way of dealing with this situation. Be happy, be yourself, be good, be a Christian and win him over with your actions as a Christian. You need to pray very hard to achieve that kind of peace within you and you have to stay positive and focused. It’s not all about him. He’s not the end of the world. As much as you need him, there are better things to do with yourself. I don’t think your fighting him every night and reading his messages will help you sort out anything. Don’t put yourself through that. Kind of give him space as you pray for him, to go through what he is going through, and he will be himself in no time.
(ZIMBABWE) I am confused myself, and don’t see myself worthy to give you any advice cause I have messed up big time. I was involved in chasing my boyfriend’s wife and now I can’t find peace within myself. I know God can forgive but my guilty conscience is eating me up. May God deal with your situation and give you peace. Remember, consult God in everything you do. He has the answers.
(ZIMBABWE) Shamiso, you are in my shoes, my dear. God heals and I have just learnt to put everything in God’s hands. I have a similar situation. My husband is involved with a widow. I don’t even know what her husband died of but she lied to him that he was killed in an accident. People at her work place revealed that he died of Aids. I have confronted her several times until I gave up coz my husband won’t let go of her.
He has been lying to me that he is not in love with her but to my surprise the other day he came home around 12 midnight and when I went through his phone, there was a message from that lady which read “Come” and the message was received at 2030 hours. I was so hurt and promised myself not to have anything to do with this man since he has betrayed me. I have learned to find peace in the Lord and guess what? I have managed to pull through. My brother has helped me a lot though prayer and counseling. God will take care of everything coz you can’t stop a man from cheating. God has a reason for everything and I have since declared no peace to that widow. She will never know peace coz of what she has done to my family. I have suffered a lot to put my family where we are today but someone just comes from no where and enjoys the fruit of my hard work. For what God has joined together let no man put asunder.
Shami, you need to pray for you to break that spirit. I am also trying to do that coz I know that my husband is not himself – God will show him light one of these days.
(USA) I know exactly how you guys feel. I was in a 17 yr unfaithful marriage and recently for 3 yrs was in what I thought was a committed relationship. I put this man on a pedestal and his family has as well. Since April, my gut has exhibited the things that were wrong in this relationship and I kept choosing to ignore the warning signs. July 5th I couldn’t take it anymore and asked him what was going on and informed him of what I had witnessed… he denied it of course (did I really expect anything differently?) Anyhow, things went from bad to worse, and my heart hurts. As of today we are not together. I will pray for him, and his new friend, no matter how bad it hurts my heart.
(USA) BreeAnn, I can feel you pain and although my marriage lasted 1 1/2 years, the pain of finding out that your spouse has been unfaithful is very hard to take and very emotionally draining – especially knowing that she is now in the arms of another. When I confronted her about the cell phone call records, her comment was, “You should have been working on fixing the marriage and not spying on me.” Well, I thought that getting the other man out of our marriage was working on our marriage. It has now been over two months without hearing from her.
(USA) I have been in the same boat with you all, my husband of 10 years l thought we were happy until l began suspecting that something was going after our 1st child was born. He started coming home late from work, going to non stop work conferences. When the phone bill would come l would ask him if he made all these calls and he would always deny it. l knew he was cheating because his behaviour changed a lot, he would not eat what l cooked, barely had sex with me, always tired was his answer, never had time to play with our son. Basically he gave on the marriage because of his affairs.
l was so hurt that l turned to God and l was praying like never before. l asked God to reveal to me everything that was going on with my husband, during our difficulties in our marriage. l became pregnant with our second child.
Then one day my phone rang and this woman told me she had been having an affair with my husband. She told me they had been seeing each other for 2 years. She had dumped him because he was seeing someone else. She discribed to me detailed information about my husband, his body marks, his underwear, all sorts of hurting information. l gave her a piece of mind. l thanked her for messing our life and l hoped she rots in hell. l was speechless, shocked, hurt.
l asked him about the whole situation and he denied everything. When l mentioned that she said his underwear was at her place he finally confessed he had been having an affair with her and about the other woman he denied. To be honest all l remember was packing his belongings and chucking them out of house. l was so upset l didn’t want to see him. l wished him all things. After a couple of days of calls and begging from the family he moved in to the spare room. It was the most difficult time in my life after all the hurt he had caused all the lies, all the rejection. l was so worried about my little boy and the baby l was carrying cos l was 6 months pregnant when all this happened.
So just to be sure he didn’t catch anything nasty during his affairs l decided we book an appointment to the DR. l was also doing it for myself and the baby. We got bloods taken and had to wait for 1 week for the results. During that time nothing changed. He continued living in the spare room, barley spoke. I never cooked or washed for him, l was so angry and hurt. l remember getting a call from the Dr for the results. l couldn’t wait. I called him from work and went straight to the Dr. When I glanced at the Dr something didn’t seem right; the look on his face said it all.
l remember saying nooo God oh no, why why God? He was HIV positive. l was HIV negative. l remember him weeping uncontrollably. l pinched myself. Am l dreaming or what? l was so angry with him before the results. Now how, what am l/ we going to do? Our lifes will never be the same. l was soo depressed that l was admitted in hospital that afternoon because of high blood pressure and the baby’s heartbeat was irregular. l was under observation for 3 days until l got discharged.
When l got home l was still angry with him for putting us through all this. l didn’t know whether to forgive him, divorce him or accept it and move on. That was the hardest part of my life. During that difficult time, he got very ill. l soon realised he was suffering also from depression. He had tried to kill himself twice because of the medication he was taking and because of the guilt and suffering he had caused. Suddenly l had this strength within me. l went for more tests; still l was negative. l thanked God for protecting me and the kids from this deadly disease. Thats when l decided to forgive him. l felt guilty to divorce him because he was sick. l wanted him because he is the father of my kids, who he loves and adores.
It has been 3 years now and he is a completely different person; he’s changed a lot. Its been not easy having to adjust from what we were before to now, but l thank God everyday for my life and we take each day as it comes. Continue to pray for me and my family. God bless.
(USA) So, so sad for you and so, so sorry to read of the horrible results that came from your husband’s cheating. Through this though, I perceive that God is working in you and through you to strengthen you and help you through this terribly sad situation. I thank God for that. It brings to mind the scripture: “Even in the darkness light dawns for the upright, for the gracious and compassionate and righteous” (Psalm 112:4).
Praise God, that your husband finally woke up to turn from his sinful ways and is a “changed” man! May he embrace every day ahead that God gives him.
It occurred to me that perhaps he, and/or you, and/or both of you together might consider writing an article (or a few) that we could post on this web site to warn others of the consequences of cheating and the journey you are on since this came out into the light. It may help bring further redemption to what you have and are living through. Consider it. Pray about it. You can respond if you wish by writing us in the “Contact Us” section. Even the process of journalling through this, might bring further healing, even if you never let anyone else read it. It’s just a thought. I pray the Lord ministers to your every need. How I pray the Lord continually gives you wisdom, hope, and help through this difficult time.
(NIGERIA.) I’m so glad I read this. I cannot begin to describe in words how happy I am to have read April’s post. I’m grateful to God that he gave you the wisdom to go and see the DR., and find out about the HIV. You cannot imagine how many men have infected their innocent, God fearing wives with HIV acquired from their adulterous adventures.
The personal message I’m taking out of this is “if you reasonably suspect that HE is cheating, save your life and test yourselves before restoring conjugal rights.” A man can change, but he doesn’t need to change your HIV status.
(ZIMBABWE) I know what you guys are going through, I have been married to this guy, he does not go to church but I do and am even in ministry.
My husband comes home in the early hour of the morning everyday. When I go through his phone I find different number of ladies that he would have called in the evening so I am very certain he is having an affair with many women.
What really hurts me the most is that when I decide to use his car I always find a packet of condoms, maybe sometimes there would be one left. When I ask him he denies and tells me maybe his friends forgot them. He does not know how they got there.
I used to phone his girl friends every time I would see messages but I realized I was the fool because everyday it was a different woman. When you ask him he says that’s why I don’t come home because you talk too much. Oh, his phone has a lock code.
When it comes to sex it’s just a few lousy minutes. There’s no passion, no connection. I have considered cheating but I know it’s not the right thing to do.
Now my question is how do you handle such a person? Praying as I have but the more I pray the more it gets worse. I am on the verge of giving up. Please help before I lose my mind.
(CANADA) Hi everyone, I found a woman’s wedding ring in our master bedroom walk in closet. I am very afraid. Do you think my husband is cheating on me? Thank you
I would take it to the Gold Guys and melt it. Buy your something nice.
(USA) My husband and I separated 7 months ago. We have been married for 6 years. I kicked him out because he is an alcoholic and drinks daily… he refused to do anything around the house, wouldn’t take me out and spends all of his free time with bar buddies. I couldnt take it anymore.
He moved in with a male friend when I kicked him out. The whole time we were separated he was seeing another woman. I feel like he used this time as an excuse to cheat. The woman broke it off in December 2011. He attempted to reconcile with me at that time and was in a “rush” to move back home… even promising me a baby. I refused. He then asked if it was over and I reluctently said yes.
That same evening he went to a bar and met another woman. They moved in together after a week of knowing one another. He is still with her today. He refuses my calls, won’t call or text me. My father died last month and he wouldn’t attend the funeral. I don’t know what to do. We have no children together but he raised my two girls. They can’t stand him because he is an alcoholic. Should I pray that this marriage be restored? Should I divorce? I am afraid to contact him. Every time I do he screams at me.
Definitely yes, you should ask heavenly wisdom from the God as King Solomon did, you should not tolerate this from him!!!
(KENYA) I look at my life and I can’t help but be in tears. After twenty yrs of marriage my husband impregnated a girl. I am so hurt and depressed. He won’t talk talk to me. He comes home late and won’t eat. My kids are in high school and I can see they are affected. I want to run away from all this mess, but have no where to go. I am dying. Please, please, someone help.
(USA) Hi Jane, I am praying for you and know that while this is an indescribable difficult season in you and your children’s lives, you can run to God and I know He will help you through. May your husband see his need for Jesus and turn. Even if he doesn’t, may you do all that you can do in being pleasing to the Lord and trusting Him to show you what to do… step by little step and may you exhibit the joy of the Lord even in your hopeless looking situation because no situation given to God remains hopeless, regardless of what the other person does.
(KENYA) I read this page and sort of got carried and pre empted myself without proper explanation. In fact I was sobing as I wrote. I wanted to scream when I saw the page… It could not have come at any better time than that. I know God above has a reason for me seeing this site.
Now as I said, after 20 yrs my husband started cheating on me with a girl the same age as my daughter. It’s so bitter to express. The girl was a clerk in a school where my husband teaches. I started noticing funny behaviors, coming home late. He became cold to me with the kids, no talking, no eating, comes home late with different clothes. God, he couldn’t support the children financially? I took out loan after loan. When I asked him we talk he said he had no time.
I told the girl to keep off my husband. She abused me and said that my husband was the one to decide. I felt depressed. Later I learnt my husband had opened a stationary shop for her. I felt used and wasted. I have cried and cried. I am trying to come to terms with life. God is there for me he will lift me up for now am low low.
Thank you Sue, so so much for that encouragement and prayers. Thanks, though I wasn’t clear if you have been able to see my situation and pray with me.
(KENYA) Thandie, I know what you’re going through. May almighty God grant you peace from above. May God who made the institute of marriage protect and make a change in his heart because nothing is imposible to God.
(USA) I was in a relationship with a man for 9 yrs and the last 3 yrs I stopped having an intimate relations with him for I came back to my Lord and began changing and he and I got rebaptized in 2011. But we continued to stay in the same household in a new city that we moved to and started going to church together. But what is so sad is he continued being unfaithful to me and last month he moved out and it broke my heart. For now I feel like part of my family is gone.
He moved in with a woman that rents rooms and a vehicle to him and he goes out to the bars and still picks up women in their thirties and has sex with them. He is fifty yrs old. He tells me I am the one he will always love and none of them will take that from him. Even though he won’t admit he has these encounters. He says I am insecure and it’s all my imagination. But I have found evidence of his affairs and heard the voice mails left for him on his cell phone.
Am I wrong for invading his voice mail? I had my suspicions a long time ago. I call his voice mail and put his pin in and listen to them. It’s more than one that calls him. Just recently he took me out for lunch and asked me when I go back home to Florida to make sure I let him know cause he wants to return with me.
He knows I am getting ready to have money like I have never had due to God giving me an idea that will be on the market soon. He says he still wants to marry me and he will help me in my business. I know that all sounds fishy. I told him I could not marry him until God the father says so. I am just so vulnerable and I text him and I ramble and cry out to him about how I love him and why is he doing this, although he has cheated on me from day one. He says he can’t be without sex in his life. He loves the young women and he dyes his beard to cover the gray.
I have no one to counsel me about my broken heart and the church pays for my hotel room I live in. I seem to be having a hard time to find a job and I feel so sad sometimes I just cry. Will I get over him? What do I do? I pray and ask GOD to heal my emotions and take the love away so I don’t worry about what he is doing. I don’t want to sin over this breakup and hurt my Lord but I need a healing quickly.
He and I came from Florida and now I know where he works but I don’t know where he lives but he says it is near the old motel I live in. I thank God I have a pretty decent room, heat, and I am not going hungry and my church is down the street. But I think too much about this guy and I don’t want too.