How do you know your marriage is in crisis? That’s a good question! It’s one that you might think you have the answer to, but not necessarily. But there are warning signs when a marriage is in crisis.
We all know that every marriage goes through seasons of busyness, and stress. There can be illnesses/accidents, a child in difficulty or danger, job instability or loss. There also can be housing problems or loss, financial disaster, illness or death of a child or family member, natural disaster, and the list goes on.
During these times, your marriage may seem like it’s under attack. (It very well could be.) But it may be that the attack is subtler in its approach. You may not even realize the imminent danger until it appears to be too late.
So, to help you recognize the warning signs that a marriage is in crisis, whether the attack is evident or subtle, we have put together a list that should not be ignored. It’s meant to be your wake up call to treat the threat with urgency and intentionality if you note that any of these critical points is threatening your marriage. Please be forewarned that this is a time to make some important changes or a catastrophe is a very real possibility.
Warning Signs:
- When needs are being neglected and you (or your spouse) are running on empty emotionally, be on the alert. Also, when more negatives are seen in the relationship than positives, something needs to change in some way (either in attitude, actions or both) or a marriage crisis will follow.
- When you or your spouse (or both of you) are treating the other with contempt and disrespect, watch out! If this type of behavior is becoming the “norm” in your marriage and it’s as if the other “can’t do anything right” any longer, your marriage is in serious trouble.
Keep in mind: “Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Jesus Christ.” (Philippians 1:27)
- When trust is a continual issue, there is need for alarm. Trust is foundational for the marriage to survive. It CAN be rebuilt again, but it will take effort. Either building trust needs to be in the works so it is on the rise, or your relationship is in danger of completely collapsing.
ALSO:
- When open war is going on in your relationship —either behind closed doors or in public, you are at a critical point in your marriage. Your marriage cannot hold up under continual assault. Sometimes, the best you can do is to make sure you do your part in not contributing to verbal assault.
“Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.” (1 Peter 3:9) That does not mean that you cannot “speak the truth in love” to your spouse. But you need to stop your part in insulting and assaulting.
- Where there is abuse of any form, it puts the marriage into crisis. Abuse is a very complicated and critical situation. There is no “one size fits all” advice that can be given (especially considering that this is an international ministry where one’s culture can complicate matters). We refer you to the Abuse in Marriage topic of this web site to find ways to protect yourself, or to find methods to stop being the abusive partner.
- If your children start acting up as stress builds up in your relationship, your marriage is in a critical stage.
Realize:
“An indicator involves your children. Their behavior can often provide a barometer of what is occurring inside a home. You and your spouse may believe that the current level of interaction and health in your marriage is okay. You may think that’s just the way it will be. But your children may sense that something is wrong and needs to change” (from Focusonthefamily.com article “Indications Your Marriage Needs Help“). Do whatever is necessary to model healthy conflict resolution before your children and bring peace into their and your lives and hearts.
If your relatives/friends start telling you that they notice problems, take note. It’s an important time to get good help. We say “good” help, because often, spouses will look for cheap help, or will keep doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. That’s insanity! If you can’t build relationship bridges between you and your spouse without obtaining outside help, then don’t delay in seeking “marriage friendly” help. And don’t cheap out on it, if it comes with a price tag attached. A divorce is much more expensive in many ways than wisely working to save a marriage.
PLUS:
- If your spouse says, “I love you but I’m not IN love with you” …OUCH! This is the beginning of an end if your spouse isn’t willing to work again with you to rebuild lost feelings. This is NOT impossible to overcome, but it WILL take recognition, and intentionality on both of your parts to breathe life into your relationship again.
- When you and/or your spouse keeps looking for ways to spend most of your free time away from rather than with each other, serious trouble has invaded your relationship. You can’t control your spouse. Sometimes if you try to crowd him or her into doing that, which is right, it can backfire. But recognize the crisis, and know that you can control the efforts and time you invest in the relationship. Ask God for wisdom. Seek it as a hidden treasure. And then see what God will do in your heart and your marriage as you make Him your Wonderful Counselor.
- When you (or your spouse) is looking elsewhere to have emotional and/or sexual needs met outside the relationship, your marriage is in crisis, for sure. “Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned“ (or his marriage)? (Proverbs 6:27). It can be termed as, “being on the prowl,” although few spouses would admit to it. It might be as “innocent” as exploring someone through Facebook, or the Gym or elsewhere to find someone interesting to talk to. But when these types of temptations are fed by opening the door of curiosity, a crisis is either ready to explode.
God’s Word Tells Us:
“Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.“ (1 Corinthians 6:18-20)
- When you or your spouse is having an affair, another person is being given the opportunity to divide the love you should have exclusively for each other. A marriage is in emergency mode when betrayal is in the works. Do not allow yourself or your spouse to continue the assault upon what should be an exclusive relationship between a husband and wife. Marriage is designed to be an exclusive covenant relationship between the husband and wife and God.
“Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth” (Proverbs 5:15-18).
In Addition:
- If the laughter has gone out of your relationship, warning, warning, warning! This might not appear to be as critical as some of the other signs that are listed, but don’t be fooled. If you see this happening, this is the time to infuse laughter back into the relationship again. The couple that doesn’t laugh together has lost a critical healing component to their relationship. The Bible says, “laughter (or a cheerful heart) is good medicine“ (Proverbs 17:22). If you stop laughing together, your marriage can naturally slide into crisis mode.
“Laughter bonds people. Any good friend will tell you that laughter is the shortest distance between two people —especially in marriage.” (Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott)
- When hope that a serious problem can be resolved is waning and thoughts of leaving the marriage are being entertained, your marriage is at a critical point.
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life“ (Proverbs 13:12). Look to the Lord to show you where it is healthy to put your hope. And then invest wisely. And don’t use your human timetable when you believe your prayers should be answered. Line your will up with God’s and you will never be without hope.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)
Finally:
- When the “divorce” word is being thrown around as a continual threat, it often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You must stop doing that, which will drain your marriage of any hope. Instead, invest your energy into looking for solutions rather than inching towards a way of escape.
“There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death” [and in this case, it could be death of a marriage] (Proverbs 16:25).
As it concerns the many warnings above, consider:
“Whoever gives heed to instruction prospers,
and blessed is he who trust in the Lord.
The wise in heart are called discerning…“
(Proverbs 16:20-21)
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
Filed under: Save My Marriage
(USA) The “If your spouse says, “I love you but I’m not IN love with you” usually goes hand in hand with that spouse in an emotional if not physical affair.
There may be a few exceptions, but in most cases I’ve seen, this is part of the wayward script. So if you hear that, it’s time to find out with whom they think they are in love.
(USA) Oh, there doesn’t have to be anyone else, Tony… My wife, soon to be ex-wife has no interest in anyone, including me. She said she didn’t love me anymore about two years ago. I knew it was significant, but I thought we would work past it. Little did I know, she had already started working through the “emotional divorce”, soon to follow were “physical divorce”, “financial divorce”, “sexual divorce” and finally, “legal divorce”. When you see these events unfolding, GET HELP IMMEDIATELY! (It may already be too late, but you should give it your all.)
(USA) It certainly is possible, but not likely. Even if there is a person, she’s “in love” with, it’s the idea of not having to be responsible for loving another person, or at least not you.
There really is nothing you can do until she decides that her vows mean something and she’s willing to do the work needed to have a marriage. It really doesn’t matter how much work you are willing to do. The one leaving has to be willing to stop the leaving and begin doing the work she needs to do to have a Godly marriage. So I don’t know what help you can get when it’s the one leaving who needs help changing her mind about leaving. Take it from someone who tried to get all the help both humanly and heavenly possible and it made ZERO difference.
Let the Lord tell her about what love is and is not. Because she will look forever for love and she may stay like that until she meets God. Then God the Father would ask her what happened to your marriage, which is part of the judgement plan.
What can I do? I don’t want to push him away any further but I know if I can get to him and talk with him he will talk.
(UNITED STATES) I can say that I AM the person saying that. In fact, I think I barely love my husband more than I love the average person on the street (and I do have a big love for humanity, but marital love surely should be much more than that). I am NOT in an emotional or physical affair, and I am clinging to God and looking for advice so as not to wind up in one. So don’t assume that everyone person who says that, is in an affair of some kind… there are a lot of married people out there who are suffering in silence, yet remaining faithful sexually and emotionally.
(USA) I agree with Linda here. I’ve been reading a lot of the comments on this site and there is a lot of accusation that when there’s nothing emotionally in a marriage anymore “there must be someone else.” Um, no. Frankly it’s starting to irritate me. Deadness, numbness… something HAPPENED or happened over time that got things to a point like this. I am here. I am dead, numb, ice cold. There is no one “else.” In fact, I couldn’t have a happier fantasy if you wanna call it that -than being alone. I am dead serious. I realize that it does happen and that affairs happen and many times there is someone else… but not always, so don’t just throw around that assumption. Please. :) Some of us have been just “surviving” for a very long time.
(USA) So basically you are both in love with the idea that you no longer need to honor your vows as I stated above. In other words, you love yourselves more than you love God or your spouse, because that’s what it reads like from this vantage point.
Whether it’s an affair with another, or simply the desire to no longer place God’s law and your spouse above your own desires, the result is the same, you entertain breaking your vows for your own satisfaction.
I agree with you and Linda. I’ve been married for 28 years and it’s just not working anymore. My husband’s self employed job is killing us. When my husband is not paying some bills like he needs to, it puts it all on me, and I cannot keep doing this. We have a 16 year old son at home and we can’t even buy groceries. It’s like wake up already, and this has nothing to do with any affair.
This is true. I am so heart broken. My husband rejected me for years sexually and criticized me. My self esteem is gone. I’m in a severe depression and have been here many times. I would pick myself up and try to love him again and would succeed to give him another chance and would live again. But its been 10 depressions.
This time I feel I have no hope and my love is lost or the weeds have covered it. I’m so heart broken. Why won’t God hear me? I pray that my heart opens and love returns, that my love is revived. We loved each other so when we first started dating, I mean he was my soul mate. But the constant ignoring and rejection has maxed me out. This feeling is unbearable and the negative are so terrible. I have two beautiful children! I just want to feel the love and the joy again with my husband.
Vanessa, Is there any chance that your husband is an introvert where he has a difficult time expressing himself? Perhaps he feels so inadequate in that area of your relationship that it’s seeping into other areas, as well. The following is a very short clip on You Tube that talks a bit about how “avoiders” react: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZkmGMEMG9w. Sometimes a man (or even a woman) feels like he can’t do anything right, so he withdraws from doing anything. I’ve seen it happen. It’s just a thought. Perhaps he may even be suffering from having low testosterone levels. That can affect his sexual drive. And if you combine the two of feeling he can’t satisfy you in other ways, he may be struggling to try in the bedroom, as well. I’m not sure. But it’s possible.
There’s a book I highly recommend you read, which is written by Milan and Kay Yerkovich titled, How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage
. It’s published by Water Brook. The authors of this book “draw on the tool of an attachment theory to show how your early life experiences created an ‘intimacy imprint’ —an underlying blueprint that shapes your behavior, beliefs, and expectations of all relationships, especially your marriage. They identify four types of injured imprints that combine in marriage to trap couples in a repetitive dance of pain. The principles and solution-focused tools in this book will equip you to… –identify the imprints disrupting your marriage –understand how your love style impacts your mate –break free of negative patterns that hinder your relationship –enhance your sexual intimacy, and –create a deeper, richer marriage.” I’ve heard the Yerkovich’s talk about this subject and can see how it can absolutely change the lives of many couples in positive ways as they better understood each other’s communication styles. It’s truly an enlightening book –revealing things I never realized before.
The following is a 12 minute You Tube clip that touches on the concept of avoiders and basically, how we approach the way we express love within our marriages: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_RiGomxjmPw. I’m thinking the book mentioned above (even going to their web site to explore more) may give you insights into your husband, but also insights into yourself –to maybe help you with your depressions over all of this. I’m not sure, but it’s sure worth a try. …I pray through this, you may gain some insights that will help in some way.
(USA) Yes, I agree. My husband told me this as well as he wasn’t happy. After the discovery of his affair, he said that he only said those things because he knew I was on to his affair and he felt guilty. He was trying to get my mind off the fact that he might be having an affair and trying to make himself feel better. Needless to say, he says that he did not truly mean those words. After discovery, he says he never stopped loving me, he was just going through a little mid-life crisis for a year.
I don’t know if I believe this and keep asking him to tell me the truth so that we can move forward and work on the reasons why this happened. He still won’t admit to it or the details of his affair. The only way he finally admitted it is I got access to his phone records. He still tried to deny it so I called the girl. She confessed but did not give me details other than she confirmed they had sex. What do I do? I feel if he was in love with this woman and he doesn’t admit it to me,
I will never believe him in the future or trust that he won’t do this again to me.
(USA) My husband has trouble communicating with me especially when the situation is serious. I’m afraid our marriage is headed for divorce because I can’t fix it alone.
(USA) Cindy, you are so right. My marriage is almost over. My wife of 11 years has moved out and the divorce papers have been filed. I’m only allowed to see my children in supervised visitation, and I’m being treated like a criminal. I didn’t realize that my marriage was in so much trouble. I wish I could have read this article a year or two ago.
We had problems with almost all the issues mentioned above (no actual infidelity on either part). But the others were enough to yell, “YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS IN SERIOUS DANGER!” The only problem was, I thought, “we promised until death do us part” and that no matter what, we’d work through the problems.
Well, I am the agressive personality type and she is the passive type. I was crossing all over her boundaries and she wasn’t standing up for her boundaries. She was being wounded for years, all through our marriage. Now, she’s tired of putting up with it, and a local “Christian counselor” has sent her to the “Women’s Crisis Center” for counseling about abuse. Well, of course she feels abused! Anything that crosses a boundary is considered abuse. Did I yell? Yes. Did I slip up and call her a name a few times in 11 years? Yes. Did I do my very best to change, of course.
And I was doing pretty well, when financial problems, combined with a few other issues made a cocktail of disrespect erupt from her, and caused a rage response in me and I pushed her (this might be a good place to mention, I since have discovered I have Bi-Polar disorder and I’m on a treatment program to manage it).
The Christian counselors have refused to hear my side of the story. The Crisis Center has convinced my wife that I am a hopeless abuser and that the only solution is to divorce me. Both parties recommended a divorce lawyer and she has gone that direction. She would never get marriage counseling; she refused every time I asked her. I went to marriage counseling for months by myself.
Now, I’m waiting for 6 months until the divorce hearing, and in the mean time, her attorney is trying to bankrupt me, so I cannot defend myself in court. I’ve been slapped with close to $600 a month in child support and cannot pay it due to my dire financial situation. Her attorney said that if she didn’t get a restraining order before she moved out, that I could have the children returned to their “usual place of residence.” I wouldn’t have known that!
So she, out of that fear that he instilled (abused her with) got a restraining order. His intent was actually to guarantee himself a customer, because with a restraining order, I would never have a chance to talk with her and work out our problems. That’s what the court wants you to do after the divorce, work out your problems, so the kids don’t suffer –but they never recommend getting back together. Not at any point in the process.
Here’s what no one ever tells you: “There is a DIVORCE INDUSTRY!” It makes billions of dollars. Just consider the almost $600 a month I have to pay to the State, to reimburse the public assistance she is receiving, “state funded” cash housing assistance, Food stamps, State medical… She only receives $50 per kid ($100) a month from what I pay. Now multiply that MILLIONS of divorces each year, and you’ll see how lucrative these programs become. Also consider the hundreds of dollars paid for court fees, $5000 – $10,000 per attorney, Court ordered anger management (mandatory for restraining order violations -like leaving a loving message on an answering machine at my empty house that she completely moved out of 18 days previously)
Sorry, I’m trying to forgive all this stuff and let it go, but it’s difficult when you’re in the midst of it. Divorce is more painful than the death of my father when I was 10 years old. And it goes on for months and months. I’ve wanted to either go away for ever, or kill myself. I’ve wanted to die so badly that I’ve wept for a half an hour and beat on my legs so hard I bruised them. Every time I saw a knife I wanted to stab my belly over and over until I died. It was only when I decided that my purpose in life had to be consistent with God’s word. I must 1. Love God and 2. Love people. That means my focus should not be on myself and my own pity party. After that I decided I wanted to live and not kill myself. Such can be the stress from divorce.
Where was I going with that? Don’t let your marriage go there. Don’t be in denial. If you see the above symptoms, one or many, FIND A GOOD, HIGHLY TRAINED, GOD-FEARING CHRISTIAN COUNSELOR and get some marriage counseling together before it’s too late. It’s so much cheaper than divorce (and just think, you can stay married, in an improved relationship, instead of lonely, angry and broke).
(SOUTH AFRICA) I am sorry for everything you had to go through. I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts. Keep your strength in the Lord my friend, and stay strong.
(USA) I have been married for almost five years. I got married at the age of 22 and she was 21. We had a child. I moved out of my parents house to help make sure she was ok. I did everything I thought I could to be a good father and a good husband at the time. We stayed at her parents house (I don’t know why i did it) during her first pregnancy, and I lost my job due to the recession. My wife being a nurse was fronting the little bills we had at the time because I did not have a job and could not get hired.
Her father would always bother me about not having a job. I need to do this, I need to do that. I mean I was really trying to find employment but it was not happening at the time. So for the next two years I was mentally abused. I was accused of stealing things from her parents house, all type of different situations. My wife blames me to this day that its my fault she had to work while she was pregnant. I finally got my old job back two and half years later and I thought everything would be great. I mean when I didn’t have a job I was nothing so I just knew things were going to be ok. But they weren’t.
Now I don’t make enough money or I need to join the air force so we can catch up on my bills. I support her no matter what she does and all she says to me. When I bring that up is when she says, well, I support you too. or I been here since day one, as well. There was a time in my relationship where we were not talking; we were not intimate. I mean it was like we didnt know each other. I later found out that was because she was too busy communicating back and forth with her ex boyfriend. It was very hurtful but I got over eventually, even though later on, she told me it was my fault she did it.
Now I’m working full time, nine to five making better money then a lot of people and it’s the same situation. when we argue she would say well, your money aint doing nothing; my money do most of everything. That is true because she is an LPN. She has her career started already. I dropped out of school to take care of my responsibilities, a choice I made and I have to live with.
I just dont know what to do anymore. All we do is argue. We have no commnuication skills. She tells me she took care of me those two years I didn’t have a job when I thought it was helping me to get on my feet because I didnt have a job at time. I really don’t know what to do. My heart is slowly filling to the top with anger. I love my boys and I don’t want be to be away from them but being a young black man in today’s time dealing with all this frustration and stress, I don’t believe I am strong enough to handle. What is a young man to do?
(USA) To Brandon, From one young Black married male to another, I am 31 and married for five years, as well. I am telling you to hang in there even though it is hurting you. I only say that because satan is having a field day with both of your minds and his ultimate goal is to kill, steal, and destroy your covenant with your wife.
Do you guys have a church home? If you do not have one, please seek for one to attend as a family, that is teaching the true gospel. You will need GODLY counseling from a Christian perspective. You are the head of the family regardless of financial status. You guys are obviously two strong and great individuals because if you weren’t then the attacks wouldn’t be so intense. We have been there and still under attack constantly, but that is the exact reason we have to stay closer to GOD. Hope to hear back from you.
(USA) I got married at the age of 21. I did two security jobs to support my wife who wasn’t working at that time. After a while she decided to go to nursing school to become a nurse. Everything was going well during that time.
Right before graduation she started to change. Being a security guard isn’t enough for her anymore. She talks down to me, and always reminds me that she is the one who brings in the money, forgetting that I was the one who supported her while she was going to school. At time I just wanted to run away from it all but I guess I am not strong enough. I regret all the time I wasted so much on her which I should have spent on myself. Like David said we are “emotionally, physically, financially and sexually divorced.” She makes me hate life.
I am sorry for your pain. You did the honorable thing by staying with her through nursing school. God bless you, son.
She’s probably having an affair! Get mentally tough + deal with that reality!
(UNITED STATES) It is interesting to hear this from the perspective of husbands. It reminds me of what my marriage recently endured. I am married to a wonderful man for a little over a year now. I too, have been guilty of feeling what I thought was the burden of earning a living while he looked for work. It was tough, especially since I did not envision being the only one working. I did not speak down to him verbally, but my actions and body language said enough.
I can look back at it now and see how selfish I was and how prideful I was. Marriage is not about I but it is about we. So when I work, I understand that I represent both of us. It is never been my money but his and mine. That is something I knew but I had to fully accept it. I also had to let go of resentment.
One of the many things my husband did for me was pray. He prayed for my humility and submission. Now, we are working through a lot of the pain my behavior caused him. Marriage is a give and take relationship. Sometimes, both spouses will not be at the same place of giving at the same time.
In your time of trial, pray for your wives that they may take a second and really see themselves through your eyes. Pray that they develop a relationship with God and that they become accountable to you and to God. It does not have to be over. God still has the final say.
(UNITED STATES) I like this advice. I am trying to do this for my husband. There’s a big emotional void in our relationship and any void seeks to be filled. It’s like walking around with an open sore (an exposed sore is painful, but one that is dressed and tended to, hurts less and is headed towards some kind of healing, whether temporary or permanent). I see trying to fill the emotional void with anything but what is acceptable to God as unacceptable. But sticking to that IS painful. Yet, I know it is the best way to go. Staying on my knees in prayer for my husband and for God to set me straight and keep me straight is the best thing I can do (besides acting when He says to act).
I love the way you write. God has the final say. I pray this depression lifts from me. That He puts Love back in my heart, that he revives the love. That my husband really decides to be intimate with me and that his Sexual anorexia is destroyed forever. That my self esteem rises and that joy and love fill my heart again. It’s been so many years of a sexless marriage. The pain of this is unbearable. I need God to fill me with hope, trust, wisdom and LOVE. I need revelation!
(PHILS) Brandon, you’re really having a hard time lately. From your story I was able to see how my life in bf was feeling all through out these years since I’m the hard working donkey between me and him. But for a wife who is shouldering the financial burden it was really hard not to be outspoken, and sad to say, hellish words that later on I regret but cannot be taken back.
Your wife must have had fallen out but if you will work it out then it’s not impossible. Go find the book The Love Dare
. Watch the movie Fireproof
, as well. Watch it first then get the book being used there. Good luck.
(US) I’m not sure what direction my marriage is heading. My husband has been in the army for 20 years on active duty. When I met him, he was working as a foreman for a construction company. He decided to go back in the National Guard for extra money and soon was put in recruiting. We have been married for only 10 years and I used to feel secure that he was being a faithful Christian husband. For 5 years of the marriage, we both have been hurtful to one another but I always felt that he was faithful.
When he signed up at 18 years of age for the military, he was deployed and sent to Somalia. This was of course 10 years before me. He never showed any signs of problems until these last 5 years. Now for the past 4 months, he has said that he has PTSD. I honestly feel that he is having an affair. He calls me loser, dumb, moron, and wh**e, among other things. He says that he is depressed and physically and emotionally drained. He also said that he loves me and is still “in love” with me and that he is being selfish for not divorcing me and not giving me a chance to move on and be happy and he will be alone for the rest of his life.
I haven’t found any evidence yet of an affair but he works 2 hrs away on a post and I don’t go there. He also has a government cell phone that he used to show me but now he says that he can’t because it has been encrypted and he signed a paper stating no one sees it. He said that the military closely monitors cell phone records and they are against cheating. He has mood swings, hollers at the kids and me, acts checked out, demands to be able to drink and smoke, and makes me cry constantly.
He says that I need to give him space and that he wishes that he would stop breathing. He says that he attends therapy for PTSD but of course, it’s on the base and I have no real proof that he goes or he won’t even show me any evidence. He has stopped going to church and is angry all of the time.
Is my husband having an affair or is he really going through this PTSD and it only looks like he is having an affair? I don’t know how to get help from the military and I’m afraid that he could lose his job if I start asking questions and making phone calls. Am I entitled to be shown some proof and where can I go to get help to understand myself? I love him dearly and I’m willing to stand by him if it’s only the PTSD but an affair would kill me. What do I do? HELP!
(USA) Doesn’t the military offer some kind of way for YOU, his wife, to know what he does on base? When my brother was in the military, they seemed fairly family oriented. if you’re concerned with this PTSD, maybe somebody from his base will be able to help you. Express your concerns with the people responsible for his PTSD, the military. Maybe marriage counseling or just talking to a third party as a couple could help. I would dig into this issue, starting with his military base. SOMEONE there has got to be able to help you. You don’t have to dig for the affair, but dig to help him with his PTSD, if that is what is really going on. You diserve to know, and it seems the help he gets on base isn’t working very well. I hope the best for you and your family.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I am married for ten years with a 10 year old son. We are now separated for about two months & the past two weeks we are not even staying together. My husband has mentioned to me over & over that he will apply for a divorce, this is not working for us. I also just found out that I am 14 weeks pregnant & he is not interested in the baby.
I have no idea what to do. I really want to save my marriage. We have no relationship. We do not spend time together; we can’t even communicate with each other. I also know that I keep bringing up the past of his affairs, before I can control myself. I have already insulted him about the affairs he had. I am at the point of blaming myself that I am not marriage material or just not a good wife for my husband.
(USA) Lori, I’m sorry to say this, but from my experience with soldiers (and I myself one) dealing with issues and being married: If there were a choice, honestly working through an affair would be so much easier to work through than PTSD. With your description of what’s going on with you and your husband, he clearly has a case of PTSD or a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury). He needs immediate help.
Going to an Army Chaplain or calling Military Onesource would be a good start. If you’re concerned with his career being compromised, go to a Chaplain first- military chaplains have the obligation to withold; However, if he has a TBI, the more time passes before he recieves medical treatment, the more likely his injury becomes permanent along with the mood swings, outbursts, headaches, disposition towards chemical dependence, etc.
I don’t think he’s having an affair, but even if he is, it sounds like it could be more of an associated symptom than a fully intended act.
At either rate, he needs help now, and it may not matter if he objects to your help. You may actually save his life.
(USA) Read Your Bible. Ask for God to guide you. I would prepare for the worse and hope for the best. Make arrangements for a safe place for you and child to go, in case the physical violence escalates. Like a woman’s shelter or maybe you can stay with a good friend that can provide a place to stay just until you get on your feet. This is a toxic environment for you and your child and it is not safe. All things are possible through Jesus. Grab your mustard seed of faith and move mountains for you and your childs survival. God has a plan and will make a way. In the meantime pray for your spouse and his family and heal yourself though forgiveness.
(UNITED STATES) My husband and I had a baby 3 months ago. We had problems on and off from 9 months ago to again 6 months ago and were having them again. He likes to tell his mom about our arguments and she likes to make it her business. He likes to control what I do with our son. He never wants to accept blame. I’m the only one who is at fault and he turns the tv up when I cry.
He recently pushed me down twice cuz he was mad and started calling me horrible names. His parents think I call him names and push him and I just don’t know what to do anymore! I’ve been praying about it for 10 months! It seems to get better and then something happens and we argue again only it gets worse each time. I asked him to pray with me about our issues but he says he’ll do it on his own time or that he prays everyday. It just doesn’t seem like he cares.
We live with his parents and 2 little brothers and little sister and they hear every argument that goes on cuz we have paper thin walls. I am the only one working cuz he got fired. We are in debt so bad I can’t afford things by myself. We recently had our only vehicle repossessed. I am so stressed and I feel so much tention at this house. I feel like his family hates me cuz he tells them everything. I don’t know what to do anymore!
(SOUTH AFRICA) My wife has filed for divorce after 11 yrs of marriage claiming she does not love me anymore. I found out she has been having an affair at work for 3 yrs now. We have two sons age 10 & 6 and this is so devastating to us and the whole family. Hope you can be able to help us.
(USA) I have been married for more then 22 yrs and my husband asked me for a divorce 2 months ago. I really do not want this to happen. He says he is not in love with me anymore. At first he told me he could not take my pain issues or depression anymore. He doesn’t want to be in his 50’s and still taking care of me. I am disabled and just went through a really rough 2 yrs. I was in a wheel chair for almost a yr and then in and out of bed with extreme pain. I am doing much better now but he says he is afraid it will happen again.
In the 22 some yrs we have been married this is the only time this has happened. We have 3 kids, only one in school still the others are grown. He has not moved out and we are spending time together and getting along most of the time, but he says he is not going to change his mind. He goes out and talks to a group of people from his job constantly and they’re encouraging him to get out. He will not go to counseling because he doesn’t believe in it, and he will not even think of including me in his new life. He has also lost 100 lb. and he’s feeling very good about himself and I just don’t fit anymore.
Neither one of us has been happy for a while due to my medical issues but he has decided it is his time to be happy. He doesn’t plan on filing until sometime next yr and we are living in the same house in the mean time. Does anyone have any advice for me, please. He is the love of my life and my best friend. I can’t imagine my life without him. How do I save my marriage?
Susan, In a trillion years I will never understand how one “partner” can abandon another when the other is struggling with physical issues. That is the ultimate in selfism… Essentially, it’s like saying, “Your pain drags me down, and since ‘I deserve to be happy’ and your pain causes discomfort for me, I’m out of here in pursuit of a ‘happy’ life for me … too bad for you!” What a horrible example for your kids (and others) to witness about faithfulness and integrity and being supportive of the one you promised to love and live with, “through sickness and in health, for better or worse, ’til death do us part.” Apparently, a promise isn’t a promise if it gets too uncomfortable. And what this does to you is just unconscionable.
I’m so sorry, Susan. I can’t imagine how much this hurts your heart. I want to cry just thinking of how deeply this is causing you pain. My heart cries with yours.
You ask for “advice” and how you can “save” your marriage. I wish I had an answer to that. All I can say is that you can’t force someone to stay and regain good character. Those are choices that you have little control over. Your husband has to come up with that, himself. The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 15:33, “Do not be misled: Bad company corrupts good character.” It sounds like your husband’s “group of people from his job” are helping him to do just that. They aren’t MAKING him do wrong, but he’s listening and is making the decision to abandon you in your time of need.
All I can recommend is to pray for the Lord to work in your and through you. Pray for strength and wisdom to know what to do, no matter what happens. And pray for your husband that he wakes up and changes his ways — for his sake, as well as yours and your family who will be dragged into all of this. Anyone who could do this, has serious integrity issues going on. It’s apparent. And that will cause MANY people pain.
Sadly, this is not a very marriage-friendly society that we live in. It seems to be a day and age of entitlement where people want what they want even if sometimes hurts others. But that’s the way they decide to conduct their lives, regardless. In light of this, all you can do is the best you can do. Cry, grieve, and pray, but ultimately, lean upon God for guidance and help to live your life the best you can under the circumstances.
Perhaps at some point your husband will wake up. I hope so, for all of your sakes, including his, and especially yours. But until and unless that happens, so much of this is out of your hands. Your husband needs a lot of prayer for the horrible choices he’s making, and you need a lot of prayer, for strength and guidance as to how to conduct your life, whether your husband participates in being your marriage partner or not. I pray the Lord gives you the strength, insight, calmness in the face of storms, peace of mind and heart, and hope and vision that no matter what happens you will be able to handle it.
(UAE) It has been said that we cannot force people to stay with us or love us. This is harsh to start a conversation but reality bites. I struck discussion with awkward lines but I know you can focus your own happiness and direction in life. You have family and friends and relatives that you can approach. You should ask advices from them and weigh on them. My advice is speak to him amicably, raise the problems, bring the trust back, and listen what he has to say.
There is no shortcut to solve such critical moment of our life. People are unique and must be handled in delicate and appropriate way. He might be in his mid-life crisis, or he could be feeling self-pity. On the contrary, he may be selfish or he needed space after all had happened in his life.
You can control your life and I know you can be yourself as you had before when you were single. I know you were happy even being alone. Just believe in yourself and put higher being above all. Take care.
(UNITED STATES) I have been trying to figure out what to do. But I am lost!!! My husband and I have had a rocky marriage for the last few years. I found out that my husband cheated on me. We have been trying to work things out. But it is getting harder. First my husband stays in a little camping cabin in the woods about mile from his place of employment.(Actually the cabin is on the same land as his cabin.) I have gone there several times in summer. But he is staying there five times a week. He tells me he is trying to figure things out with living off grid. He plans on building another cabin on his parents land that he wants to live in. I though he was going thru some type of mid life crisis but now I am clueless. I love my husband but he is killing our marriage. He is constantly telling me that its his time. That he deserves to do things just for him. I could go on forever. I need some advice! UGH!
(USA) I was with my husband for ten years. I married him when I was 21 he was 17. I loved him with everything I had. I thought we had a good relationship. We would talk and laugh and spend time together but it all changed so quickly. His mom got sick and that took a toll. I tried to be there for him but he pushed me away. I would talk to him about it but he didn’t think he was ever doing anything wrong.
I tried to support him in everything he did but I never could completely trust him. He has cheated on me twice during our ten year relationship. I found out the deceit both times on my own. If I didn’t investigate I would have never known and he would have never told me. When I comfronted him he came clean but he promised me that he was never sexual with this woman but did admit to kissing and flirting. When I found out, a part of me died inside because I loved this man so much that I forgave him each time.
He had no job and I supported him completely. I gave him anything he desired even if it meant I would have to go without. We decided to move to another state, which meant he would be further from his mother. He wasn’t on board with leaving her but we had no choice, we had to move. He decided that it would be best if he went to live with his brother for three months to stay close to his mother in case her illness took a turn for the worst and that I would move to the new state get a job and find a place for us to live and he would meet back up with me in three months.
We texted and called each other every night for the first two and a half months then he stopped calling or texting. When a week went by, I got worried and tried to call him but he would ignore my calls. Then four days later he calls me and tells me out of the blue he is not coming and he doesn’t love me any more. He said he hadn’t loved me for a while and he wanted a divorce! My world was shattered. He gave me no closure and refused to tell me what went wrong. I had never felt so much pain in my life. I lost everything that mattered the most to me. To make matters worse I found out that he was dating some girl a month after breaking my heart. Then he serves me with divorce papers on our seventh anniversary. To top it all off, he purposes to the new girl on my birthday, taped it, and put it on Facebook for all to see. Then I find out that she’s four months pregnant!
I’m haunted by these people everyday of my life. I’m on medicine for depression, I can’t sleep anymore. I have nightmares about him all the time. I think of him every single day and I cry for no reason. The most simple task seems so draining to me. I’m sad all the time and it has been almost a year now and I think all the time that I’m stuck in a dream, that this is not real and will wake up soon and he will be right next to me. I know that that will never happen. I just want to be happy again, even if it’s for a few seconds!
(USA) Sometimes as hard as you try, things just don’t work out. You can try to rationalize it all you want but it won’t change things. All you can do is move on and trust in the Lord to carry you thru it. You have the power to change your future. You have to put the past behind you. And that takes time. My heart goes out to you. May the Lord bless you and heal your heart.
There is so much beauty in the world but with all the ugliness and hatred it gets hard to see if you don’t already join a community of positive people, find a church, and just pray. Just remember all wounds take time to heal but dwelling on them will only make things worse. Forgive who has hurt and let that go from your heart. You don’t let them drag you down. Move forward and remember, GOD IS LOVE and the Father’s love is a powerful love!!!
(USA) Sad, I’m scared of life and loading my family. It has been 5 months and my wife has shown my no love and said I could never be loved.