How do you know your marriage is in crisis? That’s a good question! It’s one that you might think you have the answer to, but not necessarily. But there are warning signs when a marriage is in crisis.
We all know that every marriage goes through seasons of busyness, and stress. There can be illnesses/accidents, a child in difficulty or danger, job instability or loss. There also can be housing problems or loss, financial disaster, illness or death of a child or family member, natural disaster, and the list goes on.
During these times, your marriage may seem like it’s under attack. (It very well could be.) But it may be that the attack is subtler in its approach. You may not even realize the imminent danger until it appears to be too late.
So, to help you recognize the warning signs that a marriage is in crisis, whether the attack is evident or subtle, we have put together a list that should not be ignored. It’s meant to be your wake up call to treat the threat with urgency and intentionality if you note that any of these critical points is threatening your marriage. Please be forewarned that this is a time to make some important changes or a catastrophe is a very real possibility.
Warning Signs:
- When needs are being neglected and you (or your spouse) are running on empty emotionally, be on the alert. Also, when more negatives are seen in the relationship than positives, something needs to change in some way (either in attitude, actions or both) or a marriage crisis will follow.
- When you or your spouse (or both of you) are treating the other with contempt and disrespect, watch out! If this type of behavior is becoming the “norm” in your marriage and it’s as if the other “can’t do anything right” any longer, your marriage is in serious trouble.
Keep in mind: “Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Jesus Christ.” (Philippians 1:27)
- When trust is a continual issue, there is need for alarm. Trust is foundational for the marriage to survive. It CAN be rebuilt again, but it will take effort. Either building trust needs to be in the works so it is on the rise, or your relationship is in danger of completely collapsing.
ALSO:
- When open war is going on in your relationship —either behind closed doors or in public, you are at a critical point in your marriage. Your marriage cannot hold up under continual assault. Sometimes, the best you can do is to make sure you do your part in not contributing to verbal assault.
“Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.” (1 Peter 3:9) That does not mean that you cannot “speak the truth in love” to your spouse. But you need to stop your part in insulting and assaulting.
- Where there is abuse of any form, it puts the marriage into crisis. Abuse is a very complicated and critical situation. There is no “one size fits all” advice that can be given (especially considering that this is an international ministry where one’s culture can complicate matters). We refer you to the Abuse in Marriage topic of this web site to find ways to protect yourself, or to find methods to stop being the abusive partner.
- If your children start acting up as stress builds up in your relationship, your marriage is in a critical stage.
Realize:
“An indicator involves your children. Their behavior can often provide a barometer of what is occurring inside a home. You and your spouse may believe that the current level of interaction and health in your marriage is okay. You may think that’s just the way it will be. But your children may sense that something is wrong and needs to change” (from Focusonthefamily.com article “Indications Your Marriage Needs Help“). Do whatever is necessary to model healthy conflict resolution before your children and bring peace into their and your lives and hearts.
If your relatives/friends start telling you that they notice problems, take note. It’s an important time to get good help. We say “good” help, because often, spouses will look for cheap help, or will keep doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. That’s insanity! If you can’t build relationship bridges between you and your spouse without obtaining outside help, then don’t delay in seeking “marriage friendly” help. And don’t cheap out on it, if it comes with a price tag attached. A divorce is much more expensive in many ways than wisely working to save a marriage.
PLUS:
- If your spouse says, “I love you but I’m not IN love with you” …OUCH! This is the beginning of an end if your spouse isn’t willing to work again with you to rebuild lost feelings. This is NOT impossible to overcome, but it WILL take recognition, and intentionality on both of your parts to breathe life into your relationship again.
- When you and/or your spouse keeps looking for ways to spend most of your free time away from rather than with each other, serious trouble has invaded your relationship. You can’t control your spouse. Sometimes if you try to crowd him or her into doing that, which is right, it can backfire. But recognize the crisis, and know that you can control the efforts and time you invest in the relationship. Ask God for wisdom. Seek it as a hidden treasure. And then see what God will do in your heart and your marriage as you make Him your Wonderful Counselor.
- When you (or your spouse) is looking elsewhere to have emotional and/or sexual needs met outside the relationship, your marriage is in crisis, for sure. “Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned“ (or his marriage)? (Proverbs 6:27). It can be termed as, “being on the prowl,” although few spouses would admit to it. It might be as “innocent” as exploring someone through Facebook, or the Gym or elsewhere to find someone interesting to talk to. But when these types of temptations are fed by opening the door of curiosity, a crisis is either ready to explode.
God’s Word Tells Us:
“Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.“ (1 Corinthians 6:18-20)
- When you or your spouse is having an affair, another person is being given the opportunity to divide the love you should have exclusively for each other. A marriage is in emergency mode when betrayal is in the works. Do not allow yourself or your spouse to continue the assault upon what should be an exclusive relationship between a husband and wife. Marriage is designed to be an exclusive covenant relationship between the husband and wife and God.
“Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth” (Proverbs 5:15-18).
In Addition:
- If the laughter has gone out of your relationship, warning, warning, warning! This might not appear to be as critical as some of the other signs that are listed, but don’t be fooled. If you see this happening, this is the time to infuse laughter back into the relationship again. The couple that doesn’t laugh together has lost a critical healing component to their relationship. The Bible says, “laughter (or a cheerful heart) is good medicine“ (Proverbs 17:22). If you stop laughing together, your marriage can naturally slide into crisis mode.
“Laughter bonds people. Any good friend will tell you that laughter is the shortest distance between two people —especially in marriage.” (Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott)
- When hope that a serious problem can be resolved is waning and thoughts of leaving the marriage are being entertained, your marriage is at a critical point.
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life“ (Proverbs 13:12). Look to the Lord to show you where it is healthy to put your hope. And then invest wisely. And don’t use your human timetable when you believe your prayers should be answered. Line your will up with God’s and you will never be without hope.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)
Finally:
- When the “divorce” word is being thrown around as a continual threat, it often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You must stop doing that, which will drain your marriage of any hope. Instead, invest your energy into looking for solutions rather than inching towards a way of escape.
“There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death” [and in this case, it could be death of a marriage] (Proverbs 16:25).
As it concerns the many warnings above, consider:
“Whoever gives heed to instruction prospers,
and blessed is he who trust in the Lord.
The wise in heart are called discerning…“
(Proverbs 16:20-21)
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
Filed under: Save My Marriage
My husband hasn’t been talking to me for some weeks now. We talk but he doesn’t really tell me what’s going on with him. We barely have anything to say to each other… and when we are together I feel this tension around. We have been going through some financial problems tho but we have managed to scale through. I feel neglected most of the time and I feel he resents me cuz I am a stay at home mom. We have major trust issues and it’s beginning to take a toll on the both of us. Most time when he’s away he barely calls to check in on the kids and I. I am 24 and he’s 32. We have been married for four years. I want us to go back to how we used to be, so close and involved with each other. We have two great kids. Please, I need advice.
Jenn, I’m so sorry for this rough spot in your marriage… truly. You ask for “advice” –not sure we can give you any, but I’ll pray about it. Please tell us what country you are living in and also, if you and/or your husband are Christ-followers. That will help people to know if they have “advice” to give and how to pray.
I have been married to my wife for almost 4 years. She has held one job for 3 months during that time period. I work a full time job. It’s stressful and most of the time I come home to dinner and we both did our own things as we can never really do much else due to budget limitations.
She has recently informed me that she is not happy and that she wanted to leave to her parents for a while. When I asked how long, she said she didnt know.
There are other issues, but for me it has been that she stays up until 12 or 1 oclock in the AM, comes to bed and wakes up around 9 or 10, pretty much does whatever she wants. When I ask her about it, she claims she cannot sleep, which is fine but it is something that needs to be fixed. I go to bed around 9-10 and have to be up by 4:30 to go to work.
Her issues are that our sex life has left the building, intimacy and everything, that I am grumpy, angry and do not devote time to her. I have to admit it’s true, to some extent. I have harbored resentment from her not wanting to work. I come home tired from working 10 hours and want to relax and she expects me to be up and ready to go places with her, spend time with her but I just want to take it easy at the end of the day. I didn’t know that made me less of a devoted husband, but I guess since she does not work or live with or under any kind of structure or schedule then she doesn’t really know.
I smoke also, she has a problem with that and wants me to quit. Well, it’s hard, VERY HARD especially when someone is nagging you about it. Also, since her parents live just a mile or so away. Most of her family is local. She spends time with them, helping them with things instead of being at home doing things that would improve our home or cleaning etc (all the things she claims she does). It’s hard to ignore a messy home with her wanting to go shopping with her mother or her sister. She doesn’t spend a lot of money and I never took issue with her spending money, but money IS an issue because we cannot save money because my job is just getting us by.
Now, as for my issues with her, she is type 2 diabetic (no I don’t have an issue that she is diabetic); I have been very accepting of her since day one. However, she does not regulate her blood sugar properly. She tests her blood maybe 2 times a week and blindly takes insulin shots without knowing the proper dose. That being said, she wants us to have a child. I have asked her to see a doctor to make sure it’s safe because of the dangers diabetes can pose for her and the child, but she basically refuses.
We are not communicating right now since she left to go to her parents last night and basically feels that to solve the problem, she has to get away from me and not face the issues. I am almost at a loss as to what to do. I have exhibited concern, sympathy for her feelings, anger, frustration in the past week and there is not any resolve.
I’m afraid my marriage might not last forever, unless something changes. I know I cannot live like this!! We have poor communication. If I try to adress a problem we are having, he walks away or gets angry about it or acts immaturely about it.
Our sex life has disappeared; I dont know if its the 4 kids we have or if I’m just unactractive to him, but I still feel beautiful to me. There’s a loss of intimacy as he never hugs me or kisses me – anything ever, unless I go up to him. Sometimes Ill ask him to please snuggle with me; I need affection, and he still might ignore me cause hes’ tired from working.
There is usually no compromising on my needs or wants; he says no, becase he doesn’t want to. He works Mon. to Fri, as a truck driver. I don’t work as I’m at home with young ones, and he is resentful because he has to have the burden of supporting us. I am now going back too school so I can work at a higher paying job. Anyways he almost never wants to leave the house or go out as a family. I usually have to beg or insist or demand, and I usually only ask to go on walks or outdoors activities keeping it in his comfort level.
We have kids who love to go to the park and I don’t do it cause I want him to do it for my kids. I know anxiety is a factor, but I don’t understand it. I begged him today to come to a going away bbq for us from my best friend, my only friend in the city we’ve been living in for 3 years as we have no family and I have 1 friend with kids same ages as our boys. We have had holiday dinners, birthday parties and we are leaving in a few days and I may never see her ever again as we are moving far away.
I have 4 kids and he would not come with me. He said I don’t want to. I was so mad I wanted to leave him on the spot. I told him it was very important to me, but he still said no. Later he said he felt they didn’t like him so he dosent want to hang out with them and of course I dont care how he feels, I don’t want to ever feel so let down as I felt going to my BBQ for my family by a family who has been so kind to my family for 3 years. I am deeply hurt and sad.
Angela, I feel for you. Your story is quite similar to the one I have been living. It’s hard to always feel alone, especially alone all day with little ones. Maybe if you tell him how you’re feeling and see if he is willing to work with you. Being a stay at home is tough. I will pray for you.
I myself am in a weird situation. I divorced my husband 2 years ago. I did it because I could not take the emotional abuse and the loneliness I endured for years. However we have three children together and all I ever wanted in life was to be a great mom. So I am still living with him in the same house. I’ve tried to figure out how to or if at all it could be mended. The children deserve it..but I feel I have brought up issues for years that we need to workout but nothing comes of it. I have prayed and cried for years. And I’m still as lost as ever. I have been speaking with an old friend who is extremely nice and understanding. The way almost I wish my ex husband would be. That makes me feel guilt. To actually be happy. I wish that my family could stay a unit but it’s to hard to make it work alone. Iwould appreciate any advice. Thanks.
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Hi, my wife says she loves me but is not in love with me –but says if I change, I have a chance to make her fall I love with me again. We’re going to live 6 months without each other. What would this mean and what should I expect?
If relatives and friends notice trouble and get involved, it is a gift of intervention, and can save a marriage. It is unfortunate when people who could be a support network look the other way and say it’s not their place to say anything.
When family or so called friends become a source of trouble, they should be cut off from any contact so that the couple can concentrate on healing their relationship. A marriage is worth saving at all costs unless there is physical abuse.
Psychologists would say that moving a good distance away from the trouble does not help. In some situations, the distance becomes a necessary boundary. Caregiver burnout is another huge problem that creates havoc resulting in neglect of a spouse and should be stopped immediately. I hope this helps anyone that can relate.
I’m lost he’s the silent type he won’t talk about anything how do you fix whatyou don’t know
Hi Char, I totally get your comment. My husband and I have been married for 9 years and while he’s always been a poor communicator, it continues to get worse. Not to mention if I ever need to have a serious discussion with him. Not unusual at all for him to ignore me, walk away or make a joke. I feel like the only adult here.
We have been married for 7 yrs. I just recently found out my hysband has been engaging in porn sites and found videos downloaded. When confronted, he denied it several times… when asked again – this time showing proof, he admitted to it. My heart is broken because not only did he violate our marriage, and lie to me, he claims if he were not caught, it would have been his secret which now causes me more pain and mistrust. Am I being rediculious?
I would try to talk to him about why he visits those sites. It may have nothing to do with you or he lied because it was embarassing. I wouldn’t say it was ridiculous to feel that way – it probably was shocking and hurtful. But I would discuss how that made me feel and see if there are some underlying intimacy issues.
I’m lost. I’m 27 he’s 34. We’ve been married 6 years and things aren’t the same. We can be in the room and not talk. I want to love him the way I once did. I know he can feel this but after attempting to talk about my feelings, he brushes me off saying I’m the only one who feels like our marriage is lost. I want him to look at me the way other men do, I want him to want me. I’m starting to notice other men. I feel bad for feeling the way I do. Help.
The problem is with you because you have paid attention to other men outside. You’re making a mistake by comparing men who are outside with your husband. As long as you are perceiving that way you will never appreciate your husband.
No the problem is with the husband who is ignoring his wife and brushing off the issue. Anyone who has vision will notice other people it’s not a threat to marriage. The husband is probably having an affair.
I have heard this response from my own husband as well. I wouldn’t go to the extreme and accuse the man of being unfaithful. However, there is a definite problem with him brushing the situation off. Either he has a problem with confrontation and the idea that you may not be as happy as him in your relationship or maybe even reconfirming his own feelings about the relationship it’s obviously a defense mechanism. For my spouse and I it took a lot of gentle talks and asking if there was anything they would change about the relationship to make it more exciting, fun, loving ect. And being open to things that each other says even though it may be hurtful to realize we weren’t meeting each others needs 100%. It’s a scary realization to find yourself in a room with your partner that was warm tender and comfortable, and find that your comfort zone has now become cold and distant. Fight for it. Fight for that thing your holding on to, those memories those feelings.
Thanks for your insightful words. I’m sure they will make a positive difference in someone’s life who will read this –prayerfully, William will be one of them.
I’ve been married 20 years, with constant, multiple blow outs every year. My wife debates everything to death. We’re still hanging on by a thread after 20 years. I am totaly deflated after counselors and classes, and conferences. I only go to work for food, shelter, and peace. I’m totally miserable. I know all the answers but I’m not a man anymore, just a butler, not even that, more like an endured servant. If I try to escape, I’m cooked. If I play this marrige game much longer, I will probably go coo-coo, always reaching for another plan to make it better, but I’m tired. Yea, I’m a Christian, and I don’t understand any of this.
Hi Woop, I feel your pain. I’ve been married 25 years and I wonder sometimes if my rainbow is ‘just around the bend’. When will I laugh again, feel again, dream again…? I know one thing in ‘absoluteness’ He (JESUS) that loved me will never let me go. He is the anchor of my soul, my Rock and solid ground.
Our problem is that we forget to look up (Psalm 121) and focus our eyes on Jesus rather than the Tsunami that is threatening to swallow our identity and at times our very being. At times like this recite some scripture (Psalm 28:7; Psalm 37:23-24; Psalm 138:7; Psalm 40:2-3 and verse 11; Psalm 55:22; Psalm 56:3-4; and Psalm 56:12-13 …etc.). I find strength in the Psalms.
If we have troubles in our lives it’s because we moved away from Him. He is closer than the very breath that we breath. “I will lift up my eyes unto the Hills from whence comes my help. For my help comes from the Lord that makes heaven and earth.” I hope this brings comfort to you somehow. Don’t give up, Woop. Our Rainbow is definitely just around the bend. Your sibling in Christ.
Thank you. This was refreshing & inspiring to read. I’m married 17 1/2 years. Darned if I do & darned if I don’t. Family & friends aren’t accepted; only when it suits him. Social outings are entertained only if they’re free -wonders why we have to contribute to the fare. I’m social, outgoing & he’s not anymore. Refuses to see a counselor, but doesn’t want anyone else to either.
Marriage isn’t for everyone. It just takes some people decades to realize that fact.
Hi all, I’m in my marriage almost 24 yrs. We’ve experienced many things and both been through a lot of things in our life together. This last year by far feels like the worst year and a half ever! Around Oct. of 2014 through 2015 we were fighting for coverage for many things (to keep) our medications etc. paid etc. We went through such stress with my nerves and his just about done with constant frustration in ourselves trying to keep up on our marriage from hitting the worst rough spot ever!
It’s been a roller coaster up till even now 2016! We’ve been fighting constantly because of many things throughout our marriage. I’ve had a lot of trust issues as I struggled with being home bound for almost 3 yrs. from anxiety (I used to be so out going). A lot of depression over the years and my hubby working a lot (he’s our income source) his job always came first. I’m the full-time home care provider bc his job could change places in a second or cancel a planned trip job out of town /or he could be coming home (after work) & work calls him (OT $) & go to work (make the OT $) extra money to provide for our family yet All the maybe appts. Or my one plan (doctors appts.) would have to be cancelled bc of work!
We were fighting so much our younger one said she can’t take the fighting & I was needing an adult to communicate with & hear me not ignore me and my feelings! Hubby never wanted to deal with anything ever! Just escape to work as much as he could & never talk or go out and We never did anything ever together (trips were with the kids). I stayed home bc I was exhausted from the noise of construction where we live as well as I too needed a break from our kids! I found we drifted away emotionally; my husband was acting different with no physical intimacy or time as a couple as he did everything with the kids (disabilities) make it hard to have friends.
I was never invited to his work ever. I found out about a secret friendship he’s had with a woman he works with in same building I never knew she existed?! I found out bc of my gut telling me something is up? I got out of him no physical, no anything yet; they were talking a lot during the slow times at work (he said). She was just a work friend & someone to listen to him / hear him out yet he never, ever told me about this longtime female & he says he never brought me up once bc he didn’t talk personal stuff about his life with anyone?
Since I started to pick up something was up as he has never admitted to anything but casual convo yet he was so cold and angry with no nothing? I still think more yet he swears he never cheated? I think it was emotional as this wasn’t me ever meeting this woman & yet she was newly single at that time when we were in a bad place? My husband is a good man and father with good morals. I thought as he believes in marriage and not divorce yet why this secret? He blamed me as he said he couldn’t tell me bc you know you & how you’d be (I get a bit jealous) because of his past flirty ways when he drinks & had not been perfect when woman were around as he’s a good old school values type of guy with a great heart!
I love him & we want to make this marriage work! We started praying together & We both said we want to stay married as I wanted to say it’s over bc of all this hurt from these woman he’d been talking to & admitted he was wrong to flirt with a few comments that he put out there (guy talk) he’s not like most but I think he was interested in this woman yet he says no way?
Sorry about long story here bc I’m so devastated. My hurt heart is on guard as hubby is better yet he told his friend about me finding out about her (I was listening) on the cell & he told her he loved me and our family was being effected by a rumor that I was told to watch my husband (someone called me). I didn’t know who? This sounds crazy. I’m embarrassed about how far gone we got & how bad our marriage had gotten yet I’m still working on myself slowly & still get overwhelmed with thinking what the heck was going on? So many questions of my husbands interactions at his job?! He stopped talking to her as soon as this went down as I told him to & that was maybe selfish yet I felt it was not good he would keep his secret casual work friend!
I’m living a different life at home now (trying harder to cook, clean, be there, not fail him as I was not being a good partner or woman. I was lost with a lot of my constant chronic health issues & suffering from severe sleep insomnia (we weren’t sleeping in the same bed) as my husband has sleep apnea and snores horribly! Me being at home 24/7 with dealing with many changes as kids are home with me full-time (teenage daughter) had to make a change due to high school was not working for her as well as our other young adult (son) is at home full-time with a disability & many other health issues and I have been at home full-time looking after them as hubby works.
I’ve struggled with the daily load at home. God has helped us stay together and we continue to work on dates and time together, yet I don’t know if I’ll ever trust him again (ThanQ for your reading).
My husband hasn’t been talking to me for the past week. When I asked him what was wrong he said he may want a divorce. I’m so confused because just a week ago he told he couldn’t see life without me. I asked why he wants to leave and he said he feels like he is not where he should be in his life financially and it’s not exciting; we act like old couples. I’m so confused. Me and husband do so much. We have travel on so my trips out of the country, we do date nights often; I can go on and on so I’m so confused as to why he is second guessing our marriage.
We haven’t spoken in a few days. We’re just respectful to one another in the house but there is no other communication between us he has always been a tough person to figure out. How can he be so cold? I’m so confused because of his behavior.
My husband did the same thing. He suddenly met someone. He was cheating on me with her emotionally. I busted him on it but he still continued openly. Then I was hit by an 18 wheeler and he suddenly couldn’t live without me again. A year later I’m still hurt but he has proven he’s sorry. It’s hard to forgive but if you want to make it work you’ve gotta try.
I always tell my boyfriend I love him and lately it seems that he wants more and more from me and no matter what I do it never satisfies him. When we first started dating and he moved in with me he said he could not live with me because I made him feel like he had no home because the home belongs to me and he felt like I was holding it over his head.
I always felt bad he felt this way because I feel lucky we both have a place to live and have a roof over our head. I’ve let him start taking over the money as he continues to complain about how bad I am at taking care of it. I also agreed to let him do this. It’s so strange even with him telling me how he’s going to pay the bills after he pays them as life happens something may arise and I mention we may need to buy this or pay this instead of that, he goes off on me and starts this huge fight about how I can’t handle my money or I need to let him have control over everything.
I do not understand how this is love? He is handling my disability and my the child support money coming in. It seems like the way he pays the bills is making us even more broke. I’ve known him for a very long time but never lived together until this year when I fell ill. I asked for his help and he agreed knowing I cannot handle things now on my own and it’s only me, that I have no other family to help. I’m at a loss to continue feeling sad that this is how I have to accept things? Or continue to pretend that the things he says don’t hurt me.
I’m not divorced nor separated, nor any of that. I’m the one who always talks about divorce as an idle threat because my husband ignores me. It’s immature but frustration makes me do it, as I don’t really premeditate those comments they just boil out when I’m hurt and ranting. I worry one day I’ll say it and he’ll take me up on it. But I’m also angry with him, and hurt, and I can physically feel my heart hurting.
We have 3 kids and he works a lot of OT and never sets aside any time for me. He forgets my birthdays often, does nothing on Mother’s day, etc etc. I get no consideration, been going on 15 years that I just feel like a maid and a concubine. For years I’ve been trying to tell him. Talk to him, write him letters, he denies my feelings completely. If I do what the counselors who write articles always say, which is not to blame but to start off saying “I feel”, he dismisses my feelings. I will say, “I feel like you take me for granted.” And his response? “No I’m not.”
How are we supposed to have a one-way marriage where I’m not considered worthy to feel anything? How is that a marriage? I have feelings. He ends this kind of conversation and I’m left back where I started, alone, neglected, abandoned, taken for granted. He is always home when not working, but he works a lot, and he needs to because we need to pay our bills. There’s nothing left over. Yet he doesn’t carve out any time for me, very little for the kids. I could be happy, I want to be happy, and he doesn’t need to change himself much for me to be happy…I just need him to spend time with me and make me feel like he wants to.
He will spend it at home in front of the tv, he never goes out…but we are not spending time together, and not alone. I really do feel like he treats me like a maid and personal concubine. He is affectionate though, but lately when he comes home I’m the cold one. How could I not be cold? He leaves me stranded for weeks on end with two preschoolers and no money while he’s at work. He comes home every night and parks himself in front of the tv, but I’ve had to deal with a teenage girl, and the two boys, and my day doesn’t end for several more hours. I’m physically exhausted and he doesn’t see it. I’m emotionally destroyed and he doesn’t want to see it.
I don’t know where to go from here. He’s cut me off from being able to talk about my feelings, and doesn’t much discuss his own (though we do talk about the kids, and work, etc). I feel completely alone. And yet I’ve got to pick his laundry up off the floor in front of the basket, as if I was his maid.
I am sorry for what you are going through. This is one thing I know all too well. My husband is like this and I too have blurted out words I do not premeditate when I am hurting for so long. We have been together since I was 18, and together for over nine years now with two children. I begged and cried for him to spend time with me and I blurted out “I can’t do this for the rest of my life” several times. Recently he took me up on it. I was only looking for his love and attention. I just wanted him to show me that he cared. Now he says he has no feelings for me and won’t talk to me anymore.
For the most part, I truely was a respectful wife and very loving. I did all I could to make him happy. People say it takes two to get a divorce but from someone who was in a one way marraige I can tell you it only takes one. You can try and try but eventually a tiny mistake like crying and begging and saying you are fed up with the emotional neglect could leave you like me. Alone with two amazing children.
When I think back at all the things I could have done differently, there was not much I could have done. I prayed to God constantly and I was extremely forgiving for infidelity of the past and his frequently leaving for days on end to avoid my begging him to show me that he loved me. I tried to compliment him and surprise him with gifts and make all of his favorite meals but in the end he got tired of me complaining and bursting out in anger.
I pushed myself to insanity trying to save our marriage while still completely neglecting my own needs. I read several Christian centered be-a-better-wife type books but sometimes, regardless of what people who don’t know want to believe, marriage is a one way street and so is divorce. :( Maybe counseling will help. We tried a few times but he would just leave more angry at me and we would fight the whole way home. Good luck and I will keep you in my prayers!
You sound like me, but add in the fact he wakes me up almost every night after I “just” get to sleep by flipping on the tv while he dozes back asleep but now I’m completely AWAKE for hours and mad again. He works, eats, watches tv and plays his phone or computer game. Doesn’t talk to me and I am not supposed to complain or get mad or its my fault I feel like I do. He says I blame every one else. We have a teen son acting out terrible. I am stressed exhausted and tired and feel like I give to him and the kids all the time and I have no money to do anything and all I am is lonely after 34 years. Everything, he says, is my fault. I’ve had it at this point. He’s so selfish and inconsiderate and disrespectful to me.
I have been married for almost 30 years. My husband gets mad at me when: I am sick; I am depressed; I spend time with friends; I spend time with family other than him; I try to have a job.
My issue is that I’ve accepted responsibility for my actions in our marriage and have continued to work on myself including how I treat my husband. However, whenever we have new issues and I approach him in the manner that he stated he would like, I am given the same response as if I approached him the old way. Somehow even when he acknowledges my feelings are valid and that he could have done things differently, he manages to be for the lack of a better word, a victim.
It causes discord because it’s always my fault; and I am getting tired and drained. I love him so much but the lack of accountability makes it hard to stay. He even commented on my efforts in the same conversation that he’s telling me that I haven’t changed and he’s waiting on me to go back to the old ways as if its justification for his actions.
I am having that same problem. On top of that he has episodes where he can get very violent and angry over the smallest things. He throws things, breaks things, slams doors, gets right in my face yelling at me. He has not hurt me physically yet, but I’m afraid it’s a matter of time. Then when he is out of the mood I’m supposed to act like nothing ever happened…
My husband has anger problems as well and yes when his mood changes then its like nothing ever happen and I should just more forward. But I think I reached my breaking point I have been with him 9 years and I cant keep living like this because my feelings matter too.
I’ve been married almost 4 years. My husband had been distant for some time now. I assumed it was stress from work. I then confronted him about my feelings that he may have cheated. He said no but he isn’t sure if he wants to be married anymore. He has decided children are not what he wants. We have always planned things together and discussed the future. Now I’m completely lost.