How do you know your marriage is in crisis? That’s a good question! It’s one that you might think you have the answer to, but not necessarily. But there are warning signs when a marriage is in crisis.
We all know that every marriage goes through seasons of busyness, and stress. There can be illnesses/accidents, a child in difficulty or danger, job instability or loss. There also can be housing problems or loss, financial disaster, illness or death of a child or family member, natural disaster, and the list goes on.
During these times, your marriage may seem like it’s under attack. (It very well could be.) But it may be that the attack is subtler in its approach. You may not even realize the imminent danger until it appears to be too late.
So, to help you recognize the warning signs that a marriage is in crisis, whether the attack is evident or subtle, we have put together a list that should not be ignored. It’s meant to be your wake up call to treat the threat with urgency and intentionality if you note that any of these critical points is threatening your marriage. Please be forewarned that this is a time to make some important changes or a catastrophe is a very real possibility.
Warning Signs:
- When needs are being neglected and you (or your spouse) are running on empty emotionally, be on the alert. Also, when more negatives are seen in the relationship than positives, something needs to change in some way (either in attitude, actions or both) or a marriage crisis will follow.
- When you or your spouse (or both of you) are treating the other with contempt and disrespect, watch out! If this type of behavior is becoming the “norm” in your marriage and it’s as if the other “can’t do anything right” any longer, your marriage is in serious trouble.
Keep in mind: “Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Jesus Christ.” (Philippians 1:27)
- When trust is a continual issue, there is need for alarm. Trust is foundational for the marriage to survive. It CAN be rebuilt again, but it will take effort. Either building trust needs to be in the works so it is on the rise, or your relationship is in danger of completely collapsing.
ALSO:
- When open war is going on in your relationship —either behind closed doors or in public, you are at a critical point in your marriage. Your marriage cannot hold up under continual assault. Sometimes, the best you can do is to make sure you do your part in not contributing to verbal assault.
“Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.” (1 Peter 3:9) That does not mean that you cannot “speak the truth in love” to your spouse. But you need to stop your part in insulting and assaulting.
- Where there is abuse of any form, it puts the marriage into crisis. Abuse is a very complicated and critical situation. There is no “one size fits all” advice that can be given (especially considering that this is an international ministry where one’s culture can complicate matters). We refer you to the Abuse in Marriage topic of this web site to find ways to protect yourself, or to find methods to stop being the abusive partner.
- If your children start acting up as stress builds up in your relationship, your marriage is in a critical stage.
Realize:
“An indicator involves your children. Their behavior can often provide a barometer of what is occurring inside a home. You and your spouse may believe that the current level of interaction and health in your marriage is okay. You may think that’s just the way it will be. But your children may sense that something is wrong and needs to change” (from Focusonthefamily.com article “Indications Your Marriage Needs Help“). Do whatever is necessary to model healthy conflict resolution before your children and bring peace into their and your lives and hearts.
If your relatives/friends start telling you that they notice problems, take note. It’s an important time to get good help. We say “good” help, because often, spouses will look for cheap help, or will keep doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. That’s insanity! If you can’t build relationship bridges between you and your spouse without obtaining outside help, then don’t delay in seeking “marriage friendly” help. And don’t cheap out on it, if it comes with a price tag attached. A divorce is much more expensive in many ways than wisely working to save a marriage.
PLUS:
- If your spouse says, “I love you but I’m not IN love with you” …OUCH! This is the beginning of an end if your spouse isn’t willing to work again with you to rebuild lost feelings. This is NOT impossible to overcome, but it WILL take recognition, and intentionality on both of your parts to breathe life into your relationship again.
- When you and/or your spouse keeps looking for ways to spend most of your free time away from rather than with each other, serious trouble has invaded your relationship. You can’t control your spouse. Sometimes if you try to crowd him or her into doing that, which is right, it can backfire. But recognize the crisis, and know that you can control the efforts and time you invest in the relationship. Ask God for wisdom. Seek it as a hidden treasure. And then see what God will do in your heart and your marriage as you make Him your Wonderful Counselor.
- When you (or your spouse) is looking elsewhere to have emotional and/or sexual needs met outside the relationship, your marriage is in crisis, for sure. “Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned“ (or his marriage)? (Proverbs 6:27). It can be termed as, “being on the prowl,” although few spouses would admit to it. It might be as “innocent” as exploring someone through Facebook, or the Gym or elsewhere to find someone interesting to talk to. But when these types of temptations are fed by opening the door of curiosity, a crisis is either ready to explode.
God’s Word Tells Us:
“Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.“ (1 Corinthians 6:18-20)
- When you or your spouse is having an affair, another person is being given the opportunity to divide the love you should have exclusively for each other. A marriage is in emergency mode when betrayal is in the works. Do not allow yourself or your spouse to continue the assault upon what should be an exclusive relationship between a husband and wife. Marriage is designed to be an exclusive covenant relationship between the husband and wife and God.
“Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth” (Proverbs 5:15-18).
In Addition:
- If the laughter has gone out of your relationship, warning, warning, warning! This might not appear to be as critical as some of the other signs that are listed, but don’t be fooled. If you see this happening, this is the time to infuse laughter back into the relationship again. The couple that doesn’t laugh together has lost a critical healing component to their relationship. The Bible says, “laughter (or a cheerful heart) is good medicine“ (Proverbs 17:22). If you stop laughing together, your marriage can naturally slide into crisis mode.
“Laughter bonds people. Any good friend will tell you that laughter is the shortest distance between two people —especially in marriage.” (Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott)
- When hope that a serious problem can be resolved is waning and thoughts of leaving the marriage are being entertained, your marriage is at a critical point.
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life“ (Proverbs 13:12). Look to the Lord to show you where it is healthy to put your hope. And then invest wisely. And don’t use your human timetable when you believe your prayers should be answered. Line your will up with God’s and you will never be without hope.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)
Finally:
- When the “divorce” word is being thrown around as a continual threat, it often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You must stop doing that, which will drain your marriage of any hope. Instead, invest your energy into looking for solutions rather than inching towards a way of escape.
“There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death” [and in this case, it could be death of a marriage] (Proverbs 16:25).
As it concerns the many warnings above, consider:
“Whoever gives heed to instruction prospers,
and blessed is he who trust in the Lord.
The wise in heart are called discerning…“
(Proverbs 16:20-21)
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
Filed under: Save My Marriage
I have been married for 6years and things have not gotten any better only worse. We both have children outside of the marriage and blending our family has not been easy and is still a challenge. When ever finances become a problem he always wants to say I dont think we are working, I can do bad by myself or he wants to divide everything. But I feel we are one and nothing should be divided because in the end one side is going to be shorted. When he complains about anything I try to fix it and yet he stills find some kind of flaw. for most of the marriage there has always been other woman as far as emotionally cheating goes. I dont trust him at all and probably never will. But I’m to the point where I wanna leave but dont really know how. We dont laugh or hang out much. It just seems he is unhappy and looking for ways out. I’m just lost and confused.
I’ve been in a marriage for almost 16 years. He rarely contributes money to the household expenses; actually I pay for everything including food, mortgage, bills, upkeep of house, children, etc. He never helps with house projects. He blames me for everything, and never takes me anywhere unless it’s where he wants to go and then I pay.
How do I get rid of this. Our children would be devastated. I loved him but can’t fathom him touching me. When I am sick, he could care less saying it’s my fault. He is rude to me in front of his family and mine doesn’t exist. He would never hit me. I care for him, but I can’t stand him either. Our friends see something, but they have no idea. His family too.
I sometimes want to walk away from my home and leave him and the children so that I can be free. However, my children would not be better off. How do I get rid of this before he ruins me finacially? It’s my house before marriage and I can support it.
I have a question please if you can answer it. My spouse left. We have 2 girls ages 8 and nearly 10. We have talked calmly and not pointed blame. We agree about how we want to be together and work this out. With that being said, my question is, I have actual pain in my heart, on my heart and around my heart. Is that normal to feel real pain in my heart?
I also want to say, my spouse hasn’t been home in 10 days. When I ask “when are you coming home?” or “what can I do?” “I don’t know” is all that is said. We can have long talks, even getting into funny lol stuff, as long as the talking doesn’t lead to, “I really miss you, when are you coming home?”
Last night I really pressed on the question, “why are you staying at your brothers house and not our house?” That is when my spouse said, “I don’t want my heart broken again” and that is when I felt this pain in my heart get worse. It is not going away; it’s not getting worse, it’s just always there, staying at the same level of pain. I really don’t even know how to describe it. Is this normal? And if I have not said this, I am very sad and feel like I want to give up.
Dave, I’m so sorry for the turmoil you and your family are in right now. You ask if this is normal to feel so much pain… sadly, yes it is. You’re going through a tremendous upheaval in your life. When you marry, you work to cleave together. When one spouse pulls away there can be a horrendous ripping that goes on in you emotionally. There is emotional pain, but that can also lead to physical pain. I don’t know if your spouse is feeling this (or has felt this) or not, but it’s not uncommon for the spouse who is left behind to feel this. Plus, fear is gripping onto you. If you reread what you’ve written, it has fear woven through every sentence, understandably so. You’re afraid that your spouse will not come back. You may even be in a panic mode, which could lead to physical symptoms.
I don’t know your history together (and even if I did, I’m not sure I could help you because I’m not a counselor), but something has gone on and is going on that has led to this move away. It may or may not be something you’ve done or didn’t do that caused this… it may just be a settling into married life that has caused cracks, much like a new home settles in and eventually you see cracks appearing as everything settles in over the years. That doesn’t mean you throw the house away; it just means that some repair work will eventually be needed and find ways to make things sparkle again. That’s absolutely normal.
But I kind of think there’s more to this than that because of your spouse’s referral to “I don’t want my heart broken again.” It may have been broken by you, and/or by someone else and/or by many others before you even came along. This COULD be what is happening… your spouse is acting on fear and bad memories, wondering if this situation will ever get to a better place. And now you are gripped by fear (which is causing physical symptoms as well, which isn’t unusual, given the circumstances).
Here are my prayerful thoughts to you –take them or leave them. Please don’t feed your fear. (I wish I could tell this to your spouse too.) MANY, if not most things we fear never happen, or could be reversed if we didn’t lose hope. When things happen that can lead to fear, by letting it take us over, we become ineffective to properly combat and overcome whatever is happening. Don’t focus on quitting or on being afraid this situation will never get to a better place. That will only paralyze you and it could frighten your spouse to withdraw even more. Fear can make us do frightening things –things that can complicate matters even more if we don’t get a grip on ourselves… also and especially allowing the Lord to get a grip and a hold onto us so we don’t do stupid things. God’s wisdom can help us react better during stressful times IF we lean into HIM and not onto our own understandings.
Lean into the Lord… He can advise you in ways I can’t. Ask for wisdom as to how to help your spouse see that you are safe to lean upon and trust. Use this time to earnestly work on your issues, especially any that would make your spouse think that a broken heart could happen again. This may take time; don’t put a time frame on it. Remember that in your wedding vows you promised your spouse for “as long as you both shall live.” You promised faithfulness and love during times that are “for better or for worse.” Look back to your vows and live up to them. Remember that in the Bible we’re told, “perfect love casts out fear.” Lean upon God’s love, lean upon His understanding, and lean upon asking the Holy Spirit, our Wonderful Counselor for wisdom and help in this time of need –NOT feeding fear, but rather faith, and then acting upon the wisdom given when God gives it.
I believe that when you start doing this, the pain in your heart will eventually lessen and go away. You will have a renewed vision to work on winning your spouse back, but just as importantly, living within your marriage the way you should –the way God has ordained you to live. Don’t give up, don’t give into fear, but DO lean upon the Lord to help you no matter what comes your way, and no matter how dark things look. There is always light hidden behind every cloud. Look towards the Light and follow it, knowing that someday you will see it again.
Dave, She is having an affair and lying to you about it. That’s where she has been when she’s been gone. She commiserates with the other man about you. He wants sex and so agrees with anything she says, which reinforces, in her mind, that she is in the right – and becomes a way for her to justify her terrible wrongdoing. This is NOT your fault. SHE is the one in the wrong. CONFRONT HER with this. There is NO other way.
I think it was helpful. My life is in distress.
Hi everyone, I feel that I’m going through a couple of the warning signs that my marriage is in crisis. My husband and I have been arguing a lot more lately and even though we end on a good note most of the time, it takes a long time to reach a resolution. I feel I have to keep trying to fix the problems so that we can move forward, but change is only temporary and things continue to be the same. I feel that I need help at this point since I have no one to talk to about this. Thanks.
Dear ones, lean into the Lord (as Cindy W. lovingly wrote) it is so true – He will never let us down. He LOVES us all so much!! We have to remember that when we go to our God immediately/first when things get tough and get out of His way in order to let Him speak softly to our hearts we are jumping into His lap and letting Him take our burdens from us. NOTHING is hard for Him to handle. Believe me when I say He loves us so deeply and unconditionally!!
I have been married for 27 years and I feel the enemy is working harder than ever at times to break us up. My husband is a Christian but teeter-totters depending on life situations. Sometimes He is open to talking about God and sometimes not. I just keep praying. He gets mad at me for little things like saying I would like to go to the movie “Risen”…He thinks we should rent the movie if we are going to see it but he will go see other movies that are not Christian-based. He thinks Christian radio is all a bunch of yelling and baloney. When we are in a crisis he does pray so I am thankful. I cannot talk about my favorite subject which is God, Jesus and the Holy spirit with him any time I feel like it. I have to be guarded because I never know how he is going to react.
My husband is a headstrong and prideful man – I will just out and say it. I have to tip toe around his moods and I will pray that he will put God first and become the spiritual head of our home, as I have prayed for so long. I know this will happen some day. At least he prays with me and others; he did not in the past. Just seeing these blogs and reliving so much hurt with all of you – being able to write in response has helped me.
We are currently in the valley with a son who is into drugs, but as the song says, “There will be peace in the valley for me” and there is because God has it – we gave it to Him!! There is so much more to write about, but I will go and hug my husband and tell him I love him and I will NEVER stop telling God all about it first and foremost and hand it over to Him. We are all here for each other and we will spend eternity together. Let’s all remind each other and encourage each other about how we can trust in our God. God is sovereign!! I thank Him for all of you; we need each other. Let’s stay joyous in the knowledge of how God’s grace and the blood sacrifice of His son, our wonderful Jesus, has washed us all white as snow!!!. Love your sister, Brenda from Florida.
He sounds just like my husband! We’ve been married a little over 3 years and we’re both 27 years old. I worry that one day I’ll get too weary to carry us and be the encourager who keeps pulling us back up by the boot straps. I am tired and feel like I deserve better. I’m a hard worker and attractive he says. I worked hard for my degree while working a full time job before we met. I’ve always been independent and love taking care of others. He is a firefighter and loves his job. He loves working out and his looks and everything feels like a competition. I don’t participate anymore because it seems like he just cares so much about his looks and fitness.
I was like that when we met too but I want to be able to stop obsessing, which I have but he hasn’t. I wish he knew what is really important. I thought he fell in love with my heart but now I’m just not sure anymore. I was applying to law schools when we got married. I decided to take a break and just work. I do marketing for a pharmacy and I’m having trouble with my job too. It’s hard to be motivated and enthusiastic when I don’t know what mood he is in from minute to minute.
We will be doing great deal better than ever for a couple weeks then he is hateful moody and can’t stand me all of the sudden. This has lasted for months before and I fear it lasting every time he starts. He blames me for his anger. Sorry for all the venting; it’s very unorganized. Every situation is unique and I just feel like we have a lot, lot, lot of problems! I’m about to be 28 and would like to have a baby but I cannot under these conditions. I’ve always had a dream to be a mother but it doesn’t look very good right now.
Well I’ve my own battles. I am married with two wonderful kids who make me happy every day. My husband has no time for me and my kids. He is always busy, comes home late most of the times, he can’t go with me anywere but he gives me anything I may need. He buys the latest clothing; he wants me to look nice all the time now. Even if I look nice it is always not nice. I feel lonely most of the time, there is no intimacy in our marriage. He is always not in the mood.
I have a feeling he is hidding a lot of things from me. All his phones have passwords. I can’t touch his or else he’ll freak out. I’ve tried to be a good and submissive wife. I’ve tried to talk to him that we need to communicate to make our marriage work and he has too many girl friends. He talks to them late nights. I really want to make my marriage work. When I complain to him about his behavior he tells me we can call off our marriage coz he’ll never change, that this is him and nothing can change. I feel terrible knowing my partner has too many secrets. It really hurts me.
Hi Pkg… Wow!! First and foremost, allow me to say I am VERY sorry that you feel so alone and unwanted. I wish that state of things on no one! I do know that we teach people how to treat us. It seems that he is able to do whatever he wants, without any consequences from your side. You know for sure that he talks with his girlfriends late at night? Yes his phones have passwords… that’s easier to verify. Always working, never time for his wife… not OK at all!!
He seems to be very confident telling you that “we can call off our marriage coz he’ll never change”… since he knows he can get away with this. What do you think would happen if you called his bluff? It’s certainly not my place ever to suggest separation or divorce… and I’m NOT doing that here. But something has to happen. which communicates to him that you deserve better, your children deserve better, and this behavior cannot continue like this!
The Bible certainly teaches the wife to “be subject unto her husband as unto the Lord.” Eph 5.22 These last 4 words are crucial! “Unto the Lord” does not mean you have to be a doormat! Husbands are charged to “love your wives as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for her…” Eph 5.25. This to me (as a husband) means I am to put my wife’s interests ahead of my own. I am an American married now for 36 years and living in the Netherlands with my Dutch wife. We have 2 children, and 3 grandchildren (for your information).
I have great respect for you… I’m sure it isn’t easy for wives to be submissive. I hope this helps… WP (work in Progress)
Hi I need help please help me
Hi Sharmila… In what way do you need help? Can you provide a little background? WP (Work in Progress)
I am so lost for words. I left my husband due to suspicion of cheating again due to lack of attention towards me, making me feel not loved not wanted. He begged to work things out and swear he’s never cheated and offered to take a lie detector test. Everything was going good, then he tells me he bought a house and moving to another state. I haven’t stopped crying since, his reply is I am over reacting. He’s my first true love. Any advice?
Hi Bird74, Allow me to say first and foremost that I am very sorry for your situation, I can imagine it is extremely hurtful! (I am an American married now for 36 years and living in the Netherlands with my Dutch wife. We have 2 children, and 3 grandchildren (for your information). However, I have a few questions if I may.
You say, “I left my husband due to suspicion of cheating again due to lack of attention towards me.” My question is, do you know for a fact that your husband cheated (again)? This implies that he has cheated in the past… Do you know for sure? I am not saying I don’t believe you, I’m just noticing that you say “suspicion of cheating.” Is it possible that you have made a serious mistake, and that therefore your husband has reacted by buying a house and is moving to another state (I assume without you?) Did he take the lie detector test? What was the outcome?
Unfortunately, as a man I have to admit that we men can be very insensitive to our wives’ needs… his lack of attention toward you could be due to long work hours, and/or excessive time with his hobbies… leaving little time for you… Is this explanation possible? I hope this helps… WP (Work in Progress)
I’ve been married to my wife for 15 years and I have been the best husband I could be, but after we got married she told me she had sex with another guy. Yes, I was angry because I told her you don’t wait until you’re married to say you had an affair. As we got over that I noticed that even though I work I still never had anything do to my wife always saying where’s my allowance. I looked at her like she was crazy. I said just take what you need; you’re not a kid. Then while I’d be asleep she goes into my pocket and steals $60 bucks and says I didn’t take anything. Next I realize after 15 years together I don’t have anything to show for it, but she has everything she ever wanted out this marriage. What should I do? Should I leave her and be single? I’m fed up. I even stopped working because it wasn’t benefiting me. Please help.
Colvin, You’re right; your wife should have disclosed her past sexual behavior before you got married so that you could have dealt with it. I understand you feel a sense of betrayal because of this. It also sounds like you never discussed the handling of money/finances before you married and this has led to your current source of disappointment and tension with your wife. What I don’t understand is why you would stop working thinking it isn’t “benefiting” you. So, how do you provide for your family? I assume you still have bills and need to eat. Because your wife is “wrong” in her behaviors doesn’t give you license to do “wrong,” too. Neither one of you wins when you act this way.
At your wedding didn’t you stand before your wife-to-be and say something like: “I, Colvin, take you [name], to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.” You see, it’s always easier to love our wife and follow through on our vows when things are “better” (going the way we want); and it’s much harder when things are “worse,” like what you are experiencing right now. Please understand there has never been, nor ever will be, a marriage that experiences ONLY the “better” in those vows.
It’s pretty obvious you both need help in sorting through the issues and getting some tools to be able to help you and your wife to get on the same page. And, no, leaving your wife will not solve anything. All that will happen if you do that is you will take your problems with you and if you get into another relationship they will come back again. You both need to learn how to communicate and resolve problems and not ignore or run away from them. We have a lot of communication tools on our web site that you can download for free and use. There are also a lot of articles that can help you as a husband and articles to help your wife to understand her role as a “wife.”
Remember, if you want something to “show” for the 15 years of marriage that only happens if YOU invest the time and energy into learning the “right way” to do marriage, apply those principles every day and commit to love your wife NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS. It’s not easy, but that’s your key to success.
I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you that the only true source for finding the help you need is through a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. All of the principles for having a successful marriage are found in the Bible. God created marriage and He is the sustainer of marriage. I pray you will find the strength to press through your problems now and get the help to make your marriage the way God designed it. After 44 years of marriage Cindy and I can attest that it’s worth the hard work. Blessings! ~Steve Wright, Marriage Missions International
So me and my wife are in crisis and have been for three years. I’m living with bipolar disorder and a year and a half ago I came out and asked for help and support from my wife. I’ve done all the steps and meds to help myself but things and needs that I have are not looked at in a healthy way. I’ve done everything to turn things around in the marital state like communication and support and team work but my wife doesn’t do or really even try at those aspects. She says things like help yourself, I’m not going to try to pick you up when you’re down, and will say things that her actions do not reflect. When I ask her things that are important or have meaning to me or us I get no answers. If I do it is in the form of “no matter what I do or say” or “I don’t know” or it is sarcasm and mockery.
I’m open about needs wants and feelings; she is not. I want communication; she will not. She tells me to spend more time but when we do she is in her phone or TV. Her effort is not present. I’ve changed my way of life and living for her so many times and sacrificed myself but she will not work or educate herself. I will make suggestions and want to change how we operate but she won’t attempt it. I have no idea on money, what goes out or in. She has had access to my account before I took her off and I’ve never had it to hers or even a clue. I’ve literally done everything I can think of and different approaches but it’s the same thing over and over. She doesn’t try to understand or seem to care. When I ask why she’s still here but doesn’t want to support or help make me a better person. She tells me she loves me, but when I ask then why not do something, anything to show it, I get nothing after that. What do I do from here?
Hi Derek, Seems that no matter what you do or say, there seems to be something wrong with it. Has your wife seen the text you have just written? If not, perhaps she should? You have drafted a very good summary… Perhaps your wife is holding onto a grudge, or has simply “given up?” Are you getting outside professional help for your condition? You say you have been in a crisis for 3 years… May I ask how long have you been married? Did your marriage start out well, and then only later take a turn for the worse? Is your wife open to counseling?
I know I have a lot of questions, but I’m trying to get a better picture here. I look forward to hearing from you, WP (Work in Progress)
Please I need counsel. I am married for 3 yrs now. We don’t kids for now as per the job both of us are doing is enough to cater for a child, and all our effort to get a new and better job proves abortive. My hubby blames me a lot. Please help me.
Hi Augustine, I am an American married 36 years with my Dutch wife living now in the Netherlands. When we first got married, I had just finished my education and was looking for work, while my wife continued with the job she already had. I have always felt that it is basically the man’s job to financially provide for the family. This is not to say that I don’t agree with women holding jobs, not at all! But it is not the wife’s job to take the lead in this area. Since then my wife has held several jobs. I did not complain!! (I was glad to get the help!) But my wife’s basic desire was to bring up the family first, and then hold part time jobs when she had the time. This worked very well.
My opinion is that you should inform your husband in a gentle way that he is the head of the family, and that you will do all you can to get a job, but that you are leaving the responsibility to him. A man needs to feel that his wife respects him and trusts him. Several ways you can demonstrate this are to:
– allow him to take the lead with finding gainful work.
– live within the budget to which you both agree.
– do your best to find work, inform him of all of your efforts…
Your husband seems to be frustrated, and seems to be taking out his irritations on you. I understand that is is far harder now to get a “breadwinner’s job” (1 job which provides for the family’s needs). Still, when you place the basic responsibility on his shoulders, and support him in every way you can, he will have to “take the ball and run with it.” I wish you every success!! I hope you return and tell us how you are doing… WP (Work in Progress)
What if I’m the only one who is trying to save the marriage? I spoke many times to my spouse about how I feel and he does not care what I do.
Hi Melissa, Without any details it is very hard to know how to answer. When you say, “I spoke many times to my spouse about how I feel” -do you mean you are trying to tell him that you care and you are trying? Or are you communicating your hurts, his shortcomings, your frustrations? Perhaps your spouse is protecting himself? or perhaps he is just “giving up?” Or is he putting up a wall of silence because he is angry?
If you could share a little more background, perhaps it would do you good to express yourself, and give the readers here more insight to which they/we can respond.
As a husband married for 36 years, I find the following to be true:
– Most problems are a matter of misunderstanding.
– People basically need to feel loved, respected, valued.
– The more vulnerable you are, the more your spouse will lower protective defences.
– Men have a hard time connecting with their emotions, they need time.
– Men are not always the macho people they would like to be.
– Men need their wives, whether they admit it or not.
– Wives need to give their husbands room to take their God-given leading role in the marriage.
– The prayers of a godly wife are VERY powerful.
– Men are pretty simple. Example: If he brings you flowers, it doesn’t mean he has ulterior motives in mind, like trying to get more sex. More likely it means he is simply trying to tell you “I love you” or “Thank you.”
– Men need to feel they are respected for who they are and what they do.
– Compliments (not empty ones) mean the world, especially in public.
– It means the world to us men when their wives consciously listen, instead of waiting until we are finished talking to say what they want to say… or worse, interrupting.
The website by MM… 100 ways to love your husband, is VERY good: https://marriagemissions.com/100-ways-you-can-love-your-husband-his-way/comment-page-10/#comment-347866 I also like the one for 100 ways to love your wife.
I hope these points help you Melissa… Hope to hear from you! Youare not alone you know… WP (Work in Progress)
Help; we have been married 12 years and it hasn’t been easy. Marriage is hard work but we have always stuck it out. Our children were removed by the state and he’s shutting me out. He had started getting better (sending cute messages or helping me make decisions) it used to be all on me. Well now he’s falling back into it. I don’t want to lose my husband. I was finally feeling a connection. What can I do?
Hi Christina, As a husband married 36 years, I can say that sometimes I have needed a wakeup call from my wife… because I have a tendency to slip into old patterns myself. You can certainly tell him, “It was so nice to receive your notes and your help with decision making. It really helped me very much!! I miss the connection we were getting; I need your support!!” and other words to let him know how you are feeling. Another help is the following reference:
https://marriagemissions.com/100-ways-you-can-love-your-husband-his-way/comment-page-10/#comment-347866
As a husband… I must admit that this is good! When you are quietly doing these things…together with your letting him know that you need his support…I woudl be surprised if he did not come around fairly soon. I hope this helps!! WP (Work in Progress)
My husband and I have been married 8 and a half years. Just before our 7 year anniversary we thought it would be OK for his mom to move in and I quit my job due to her macula degeneration. We thought since she could no longer drive it would be easier on us to move her in because she always called us for any problems or to take her out for errands. However, since she moved in, it has been super stressful for me and I totally feel like the third wheel. I no longer feel connected to my husband and just pray for the day just he and I can have our life back! Also, after having her live with us, I realize she can live perfectly fine by herself especially now that the pressure behind her eyes are stabilized. She has 2 other sons but all she wants to do is incorporate herself into my family and always asks about my family if I decide to do things without her.
I feel bad that she doesn’t have a close relationship with her other sons and 2 grandkids that are only 11 and 15 but I’m ready to have my life back with my husband and family. However, my husband had to ask her to leave when we got married since they still lived together, and says that now he won’t ask her to leave again because he just can’t do that to her again.
She is a widow, but gets a decent amount for retirement and is fine to live by herself or even in assissted living. Since she moved in I manage her money because she cannot manage money. I totally regret we let this happen and now cannot stand to be in the same room with her. It’s been almost 2 years since she moved in and I have learned a lot more about her “ways.” I can’t help but think that I’m a fool that fell for a sucker punch and that maybe she planned this all along to get back into a house that she lived in for 35 years.
My husband and I have slowly been remodeling since we married and now that she moved in my mother-in-law tells people “we” have gotten a lot done and “when we” get done it will look so good! I’ve corrected her when she says this but it breaks my heart because “we” does not include her; it’s supposed to be me and my husband! I’m so torn but am starting to feel like I should go back to work and eventually leave because I know she will never leave or be asked to leave. I cannot take living with her much longer because I already feel like I’ve lost my marriage. I quit my job to help take care of this woman but she doesn’t want to go to doctors or quit smoking when her doctors have told her she needs to quit to help save what vision she has left and her life. She is not disabled, she just cannot drive due to bad vision and gets around great. My marriage is empty so why should I stay to take care of this careless woman?
Hi Dawn, Wow…!! To me this seems pretty clear cut. Your husband seems to be putting his mother ahead of his wife. (I am a husband married 36 years now). This is a bad situation…”3 is certainly a crowd!” You ask, “My marriage is empty so why should I stay to take care of this careless woman?”
I would ask, “Why are you allowing yourself to give up your marriage and your home for this careless woman?” Clearly there is no need for her to be living with you 2, in my opinion. I would like to say, with all due respect, that your husband seems to be “under his mother’s thumb.” He needs to step up and be the hero here. Otherwise he will lose you. I hope you don’t have children.
I really hope you can get across to your husband that this is NOT OK…I hope and pray for a good outcome here… WP (Work in Progress)
I have been searching for good help for my marriage for a long time. HOPE is all I am left with. From the beginning I had a bad dream and I opened my Bible and read a portion of scripture in Ezekiel 23 about a woman and her two harlot daughters that prostituted. At 22 I didn’t understand the true meaning but only took it as a warning not to marry my girlfriend because I would be marrying into a curse.
I married my girlfriend, and to date the words of her mother still lingers in my ear her telling me “I don’t care what you say, even when you marry my daughter I will have a say in her life”
I’ve been through so much disrespect, neglect, and un-submissiveness in my marriage that hope seems lost. I was always a giver and I gave my wife everything, What did i get in return? NOTHING, not even a gift. In 16yrs of marriage I have never received a birthday cake or a special dinner. Not even a party from the woman I married.
I had spine surgery about 11 months now and not once did she ask me how im doing or how I’m feeling. The emotional neglect drove me deep into depression to the point I didnt want to live. I live in the Bahamas and travelled to Miami for surgery. She came over 2 days after my surgery. I travelled every month for check ups and I did it alone. No support from my wife. Its to the point where I love her but because of the neglect I can’t seem to want to go on in this marriage. She turned my kids against me. So imagine my princess, 9 year old daughter who loved her dad, now doesn’t even want to be touchedd by him, sigh. Psychologically I am going crazy. I just want out. I have talked over and over about the neglect to her and not once did she try and come to common ground and try and work things out. She always reverse it on me instead of accepting her faults. I’m not perfect and I have suffered with infidelity because of depression and sexual neglect.
I honestly feel lost, even when I went to my pastor for help I was told its got to be me who is the problem not my wife, ugh!! That really turned me off for years from opening up to anyone because nobody seems to relate to my situation. I can go on and on but I really don’t want to point fingers anymore. I just want to leave and heal. I feel I cant be in a house like this anymore, its driving me crazy.
Hi Deon, Wow! Has it always been this difficult? For 16 years?? What strikes me is your mother-in-law’s comment, that she would always have a say in her daughter’s life. To me she is clearly overstepping her bounds. What has happened since? Is your mother-in-law still making her presence felt? I find it hard to understand, from what you say here, why you married your girlfriend in the first place. You must have had happy times, romantic times, special times, to inspire you to marry her. Did she suddenly change for the worst right after the wedding? It seems that your story is very incomplete.
I am surprised at your pastor’s comment that “you are the problem and not your wife.” I find this very hard to believe. Did you pastor offer any other comments besides this very “unhelpful” opinion?? Other things have happened which are not included in your story. I feel this. I would say, don’t give up yet. Your children will pay the price in the end. Your daughter is 9 years old now? You have at least one other child? (You said, “She turned my kids against me.”) Terrible thing, a parent turning the children against the spouse. Please also note that girls NEED their fathers VERY much. I know of three people, my wife, and 2 good friends, who did not have fathers in their youth, who either were not there, or who left, and the fallout is extreme. 20 and more years later, these 3 are still dealing with the damage. When your children are older, they will recall your wife’s comments, and may well turn against her. For their sake, you need to leave no stone unturned to get this thing on the right track. They need to know that their father did EVERYTHING he could, to be there for them. You will be glad you did 10, 20 or more years from now.
Another idea, hHave you shown this text to your wife? Perhaps you should. Have you really told her of the anguish you have experienced? She MUST have cared at some point to marry you!! Perhaps you need to sit her down and tell her you cannot keep this up, that you want this marriage to work, but that you feel negelected, ignored, unloved and desperate!! Not in an accusing way, “you make me feel, You did this and You did that” but rather, “I feel like you don’t care at all, I don’t know if you love me at all!! I need your affirmation, I love my children, what have I done for you to turn them against me? etc. etc.” You will know how to word it just right.
A few websites which you may find interesting: https://marriagemissions.com/100-ways-you-can-love-your-husband-his-way/comment-page-10/#comment-347866 http://www.marriagehelper.com/sexual-rejection-effect-on-marriage http://familyshare.com/marriage/is-sex-necessary-for-a-happy-marriage https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-9cIZbOr_w https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFPajbFhSOc&ebc=ANyPxKpLZLtiWBH46qLTFZeCnnWJIAWHmu7mB1obzYFMvQMDAjqrwWR6mQKv-j-OLIe8y50Oas8-JXxXdBBpcH-Jv17ljvoY6Q https://marriagemissions.com/100-ways-you-can-love-your-wife-her-way/comment-page-4/#comment-347263
I really hope to hear from you, you cannot keep this up alone. If you have trusted friends, you can certainly shore things with them.
Have you had counseling? I certainly hope for the very best for you.
WP (Work in Progress) By the way, I am a husband married now 36 years with 2 adult children.