So, here’s a question we hope you will answer. It can help those who are considering marriage. It concerns the positives in marrying and the reverse. There are some positives in marrying and other things you need to give up. But the gain overrides the negatives. Your answer can help many to see both sides. So, please answer the following:
WHAT DO YOU GAIN IN MARRYING AND WHAT DO YOU GIVE UP?
Please answer this question by leaving a comment below
(To see previous questions, visit our ARCHIVE)
Filed under: Question of the Month
(CANADA) What a great reflection question to help stir up thanksgiving in a marriage! My husband said that well… he gave up his waistline and gained… about 30 lbs!
But seriously in talking it over, it was beautiful to reflect upon the deep, intimate companionship that we have gained and an opportunity for transparency like no other! We have lost that trait of independence that leads to selfish kinds of decision making apart from one another, but have not lost our distinct identities. We are two very different people, but are deeply connected with heart issues and values.
In over 20 years of marriage we have had our struggles, but for the sake of the other, we have pressed into the Lord’s heart for our responses to each other while maintaining as a goal that the other would feel our complete devoted love and trust. I think that we agree that most importantly through various kinds of self-sacrifice, we have gained a quality of love within our relationship that we would be hard-pressed to cultivate to the depth that we have with each other, in any other relationship. However this quality and depth of love certainly contributes to the depth of fellowship in other friendships.
The following verse is such a good inspiration to guide the harmony and love that can be at the heart of a marriage if these goals are set, Ephesians 4:2 “I urge you to lead a life worthy of the Divine calling that is upon your life… Living as becomes you with complete humility, and unselfish gentle mildness, with patience, bearing with one another and making allowances because you love one another…”
Thank you Cindy and Steve! We so appreciate the wonderful resources that you have gleaned and gathered over the years. What an incredible wealth of love and wisdom. God’s rich blessings continue to flow over you and through you!
(NIGERIA) This is a tought provokong topic. Personally,I have gained a lot in my marriage and I have dropped a lot of things too.
I have learnt to have listening ears, be more caring and use the ability to think deep through issues before making a decision. My tolerance level has increased because I am dealing with more people, not just my immediate family members. To a great extent, I have learnt to put others before me.
(RWANDA) You gain accountability and give up all your rights!
(ZIM) Personally I gave up my happiness for my marriage, not that I married a man I didn’t love. No, I loved him and still do. But unfortunately, I have never had a peaceful sleep since the day I got married. I don’t know what the Honeymoon phase is like. I have had a really hard time. I have been diminished to do dishes and floors and the cooking, with no appreciation.
But I have learnt a lot. I have gained insight that I’m a strong person and that God’s mercy is the only thing keeping me in this marriage.
(CHINA) Dear Lonely, I’m a newly married, 23 year old woman. When I read your feeling of losing happiness for your marriage I felt so sorry for you. It brings tears to my eyes to read that you have never had a peaceful sleep since the day you got married. I feel the same, even worse. Its been 2 months since I got married but I never had peaceful sleep or real happiness that I can feel from my heart. My husband says he loves me but he doesn’t know my heart.
I feel so bad that he is so happy in his world, that he is blind to my pain and suffering. Sometimes I think it’s only a nightmare, getting married to him. Maybe I will wake up from my sleep and I will discover that I’m still in my parent’s house having everyone that loves and adores me. Please sister, talk to me. I feel very alone.
(RSA) As I write this comment, I am filled with regret for not knowing or being told about marriage. All that mattered to me before marriage was to please God by doing what was right, which then meant not to have sex outside marriage. Since my teen years, I have always looked forward to my wedding day. Little did I know that being married meant having no time for myself, not being appreciated, having an unsupportive husband who understands marriage to be: having sex, no matter how boring and insensitive he is, regardless of my emotional state, worships sex to an extent that if I don’t sleep with him I must expect him to cheat because it is his right to get it when he wants it.
As a result of being married to an insensitive man, I can say this without a doubt: I WILL NEVER RE-MARRY EVEN IF AN ANGEL APPEARED AT MY DOOR, I HAVE LOST ALL HOPE. In my world, there is no such thing called unconditional love. Only God is able to do this. Right now as I write this, I am so hurt, hopeless and do not know whether I will still be married when the sun goes up. I could not do my obligatory sex duties because I had a headache. As usual, I know my so called husband is going to get it somewhere else and I just have to live with it because I cannot afford the house and cars that he owns and worst, our children would have to suffer, should I decide to leave.
I have been to so many pastors, but nothing changes. I am a believer, have fasted and still do, but nothing helps. So many times I left him, only to change my mind when another believer or pastor prayed for my situation. The last time I wanted out, a prophet of God told me to forgive him. I did as told, but look where I am now, the same old place.
I find myself thinking that should he pass away, that will be the day I rediscover my purpose of living because I will not have to do things when I don’t feel like it, worst having sex when I do not want it.
Why does God want us to go through this marriage deal, yet no matter how much you cry to him he just does not come through as promised?
I am not perfect, but one thing for sure, I do my best to do what is pleasing to God, go to church, tithe, BUT have the worst marriage deal. I regret the day the thought of marriage looked appealing to me. I should have just stayed alone; I would have been far better in life.
(ZIM) Dear Soniakhan, sorry, it’s been a while since I last was here. What a coincidence that we are almost the same age. I’m 24. I’m glad there is someone out there who knows what I feel; it’s very encouraging. I don’t know what to say to you but I signed up with Mort Fertel. He is really good with regards to marriage. His articles are very encouraging and very applicable in our day and age.
The first time I read his article I got touched. Something hit home since then. I have made a decision that my life is mine and I deserve to be happy. Hence, I sat down and looked at my past dreams what I had planned for myself before I got married and now I am living that life. I’m sleeping in the evenings, not that way I would like to, but I’m trying.
In fact I was sick a while back because of stress. I developed a very high acid level in my stomach which almost took my life.
All I can say to you sister, is that you are number 1. Look out for number 1. Talk to God about everything and anything, because there is one thing I know, it is that Jesus’ love has never failed me yet. I have given all to him to carry for me because the load was just too much for me. Mathew 11 keeps me going.
(WESTCHESTER) LONELY, Please look deep down into your heart and soul, find out what will make you happy. You giving up your happiness is not the answer. That is just a temporary fix. It will come to a close if you don’t do something about this. Life is too short! You may see this as being strong, but you are really WEAK!!!!!
(CANADA) Dear Soniakhan, Lonely, … and others feeling diminished… “unseen”, and maybe a little bewildered by life right now… May I lift you up to the Father’s arms today?
“Father, I ask that these dear ones may know of Your great love and affection for them… May they press into Your heart and be reminded through Your Word of their great worth and value to You- mighty God of the universe. Psalms 139 tells of Your unceasing and intimate love for us… How You walk with us each step of the way… how you know each thought, and word before it is even on our lips… You tell us that you are always thinking of us….
When these dear ones are feeling overwhelmed, or swallowed up…may they find refuge in You, and comfort in your plan of love for their life. In Ephesians 1:4-8; 2:4-10 Your Word tells us how You knew and planned for us in love, from since before the beginning of time…May they be assured of your nearness today… through Jesus, Amen.”
Lonely- You are precious and worth more than rubies in His sight.
Soniakhan- He will return His song to you… it may be like the sweet nightingales’ song in the night…but you will find your song… I invite you to glean some prayer encouragement, in http://shelley-heartsync.com/ you might find some prayer whispers that further speak to your heart…
Releasing you into the loving care of the heavenly Father today.
(ZIM) Thanks to all, for your words of encouragement and your understanding. I’m still struggling. My health has deterioted strongly but all is well. I know God watches over me. God Bless.
(NIGERIA) Hmm… I gained a lot. My beautiful kids. For them I learnt to give all I have and do to make them happy. I have learnt to be strong. I am willing to do all I can, not by my strength, and to do what I can to make me happy. I try not to let things get to me. I have learnt to have a shock absorber. My parents got separated when I was 11 and I went through a lot as a growing child. For me, I have gained a lot and have learnt that marriage is a lot of hard work.
(USA) You give up ME for the sake of WE.
(WESTCHESTER) Holly, you should never have to give up you! When your husband met you, I’m sure he feel in love with Holly. We must always remember we cannot make someone else happy if we are not! Find you girl!!!!!! The Me & We can combine together to be Awesome!!!!!!!
(USA) You gain a partner, friend, lover, and playmate for life and you give up your self-centeredness ways!
(WESTCHESTER) I have learned to Love full. I have never been a selfish person. I have also learned never to say never! When you love & really comment yourself to the one you love, to the one that makes your heart beat fast when the call is coming through and you c that it is him… There are things that you will forgive. Yes love can make you do some crazy things. I have gained alot of understanding, tolerance, etc. As for giving up. Well the I has now become We! I gave up the other side of my bed! I gave up alot of closet space! I feel as though I have gained so much more. Whatever I have given up turned into doubles, It was all good!
(USA) You give up selfishness, and gain the ability to love unconditionally.
(BOTS) I gained an ability to pray things through as we were challenged in having a child but by grace we gained a beautiful daughter who is now 8. I gained patience and a bulldog tenacity when it comes to holding on to what is important to me, my marriage and my family.
I lost some of my spunk unfortunately. I am not as quick acting as I was, I have to consider my husband’s point of view he is a contemplater and I am a mover & shaker so that has been challenging. I lost a quite a bit of my fun individuality and my expensive perfumes! But I would not reverse it for the world.