We encourage you to read the following article titled, “What Every Husband Should Know About His Wife.” But first we encourage you to watch a You Tube comedy video titled, “Things You Don’t Say to Your Wife.” It is written and performed by Tim Hawkins, and gives pretty good advice (and funny too)!
Things You Don’t Say to Your Wife!
Please click onto the following You Tube video link to enjoy:
Here’s another You Tube comedy music video for you, which you might find helpful (as well as funny). This comedy song is written and is performed by Dante:
And then, after reading the article below, we provide a link to an additional article to read, which could further.
And now for the article:
WHAT EVERY HUSBAND SHOULD KNOW ABOUT HIS WIFE:
Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, said, “Despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, I have not yet been able to answer the great question: What does a woman want?”
Well, Freud, may not have been able to identify the deepest needs of women, but modern research has. A wife’s most basic needs in marriage are: (1) to be cherished, (2) to be known and (3) to be respected.
She Needs to be Cherished
“I can’t understand it, Doc.” Doug was talking before he even sat down in my counseling office. “Lisa has everything she could possibly need. She doesn’t have to work, she buys lots of clothes, we live in a great place, we take wonderful vacations, I’m faithful—but she’s miserable.” Doug shook his head and said, “I just don’t get it.”
We talked a bit more about his seven-year marriage and how he tried to express his love for Lisa. “I’m not the talkative type, Doc,” he said. “I show my love by providing the very best I can for her.” This poor husband didn’t realize that his love-starved wife would have traded all the clothes and vacations in the world for a little tenderness from him.
Without meaning to, a husband can completely miss one of his wife’s most important needs: to be cherished. This need is too often overlooked by husbands because we don’t feel the need for it as deeply as women do. But that doesn’t discount its validity. Your wife needs to be cherished.
She needs to know she is number one in your life. If it came down to an evening with your buddies or a night with your wife, she needs to know you would choose her—not because you have to, but because you want to. What can you do to cherish your wife?
Consider how often you say, “I love you.”
Some men don’t feel the need to say it with words, but every wife has an insatiable need to hear it. Your wife also needs evidence that you are thinking about her during your day. A small gift or a quick phone call to say, “You are on my mind,” can mean the world to her.
As a man, you probably have no idea of the effect you can have on your wife by being gentle and tender, making her feel cared for.
…Does cherishing your wife mean sacrificing golf games, success at work, or nights out with the boys? Believe it or not, the answer is no. When your wife is satisfied in knowing that she takes first place in your life, when she knows she is the most important thing in the world to you, she will encourage you to do the things you enjoy. It is part of the mystery of marriage: When a woman is truly, genuinely cherished, she feels free to encourage her husband’s independence.
Does she feel important?
Before Doug learned to cherish Lisa, she would complain about his fishing trips. In fact, Lisa wanted a separation because “standing by a lake was more important to Doug than I was.” But once Doug genuinely made Lisa number one, once he began to express true tenderness, Lisa pleasantly shocked him: “I’ll cover for you at the meeting next Thursday so you can get an early start on your fishing trip if you want.” Lisa made this offer because she now felt secure in her position of importance.
“To love and to cherish” is more than a phrase from your wedding vows. It is one of the most important needs your wife will ever have. By meeting it, you are sure to build a partnership that brings you both pleasure…
She Needs to be Known
For a woman, being understood means having her feelings validated and accepted. That’s not as easy as it sounds. I’m a psychologist. I often spend my day doing just that with my clients. I know how to empathize with a person’s pain, to feel his feelings and convey understanding. But when it comes to my marriage, something makes me want to solve Leslie’s problems instead of understand them.
She will tell me about something and I will passively listen until I have heard enough and then, as if to say I’m ready to move on to other things, I will offer advice. I’ll lecture instead of listen. To this day, it often takes every ounce of self-control I can muster to bite my tongue and actively listen.
At least I’m not alone.
Consider this fact:
Men say three times as many words in public as they do in private, while women say three times as many words in private as they do in public. Women like to match experiences, to draw one another out, to volley in conversations. But when it comes to talking to their husbands, many women feel like the wife who told me, “Talking to my husband is like playing tennis with no one in the other court.”
To meet your wife’s important need to be known, you need to actively listen to her, reflecting back to her what she is saying and feeling, and genuinely wanting to understand her. This point cannot be overemphasized: Women need to have their feelings validated and accepted. They need to have you see and experience the world the way they do, instead of explaining to them why they shouldn’t see it that way.
Men have a tough time realizing that offering a listening ear is all a woman needs at times —or a comforting hug, a loving statement like “You are hurting, aren’t you?” or “You are under a lot of pressure, aren’t you?” Listening to your wife talk without offering quick solutions, is the only way to meet her need to be known.
She Needs to be Respected
Men are usually quite unaware of how much women need to be respected. Why? Because when men are not respected they react very differently. A man who doesn’t feel respected, for example, is apt to become self-righteous and indignant. He feels even more worthy of respect when others don’t respect him. He may even give less until he gets what he feels he deserves.
Women operate differently—when they are not respected they feel insecure and lose their sense of self. That is why it is so vital for you to take special care of your partner’s need for respect.
There are a number of ways to show respect to your wife.
To begin with, do not try to change or manipulate her, but rather, honor her needs, wishes, values, and rights. I know a woman who, because of her upbringing, valued the tradition of having her door opened for her by her husband. She knew the custom was old-fashioned, but it meant a lot to her. For that reason she asked her husband to do it.
Her husband never took her request seriously. “You’re kidding, right?” he’d say. “Nobody does that anymore. That’s the reason why we’ve got power locks on the car.” This husband laughed off his wife’s request, and weakened his opportunity to meet one of his wife’s deepest needs —to be respected.
Respecting your wife also means including her in decisions.
I am always amazed when I find a husband who wields all the power in a marriage. He makes all the decisions, regardless of what his wife thinks. I know of men who make decisions about relocating to a new job in another part of the country without consulting their wives. There isn’t a quicker way to tear down a woman’s sense of self and ruin the possibility of a happy marriage.
Build your wife’s self-esteem and sense of security by asking for her input whenever you can, even on the small things. When you make a decision that might affect her, say: “I’m thinking about. What do you think of that?” or “I’m thinking we should. What would you like?”
Be supportive and accepting
Respect says, “I support you; you are valuable to me. You don’t have to be any different from who you are.” In return for this respect, a woman will be able to relax. She will not have a compulsive need to prove herself as an equal, but will automatically feel and be equal. What a wonderful way to live with a woman!
This article, written by Les Parrott, comes from the book, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts. It is
They have also written two workbooks as companions to this book —one for the man and one for the woman. “The twenty-one self-tests in the workbooks will help you and your partner put into action what is taught in this book.” As an additional help, they have provided questions for reflection at the end of each chapter. These questions are suitable as discussion starters for couples or small groups.
— ALSO —
Below is a web site link to an article written by pastoral counselor, Dr Don Dunlap. Dr. Dunlap offers “a checklist of ways that husbands typically offend their wives.” This tool is designed to help men “identify specific ways that they offend their wives.” After going through the list, husbands can then identify and work through these offenses with their wives. Please prayerfully read:
• FOR MEN ONLY: A HUSBAND’S PERSONAL CHECKLIST
Filed under: For Married Men
(CANADA) It is actually emotionally exhausting to not be “heard” in a partnership when there is something upsetting going on in your life. My husband always tells me to deal with it, or he says he doesn’t want to hear about it. When, on occasion, he does listen to what I’m upset about, he NEVER EVER offers compassion, just more of a “get over it” attitude. Sometimes, however big or small the problem is, I just want to be validated and listened to, I need a sounding board so I can just get things off my chest. I am normally a very upbeat person but I feel that now, after 11 years of this, I’m shutting down, I’m tired of being shut down by him so I may as well just stop telling him when I’m upset about something. I love him very much but how much longer can things last with no communication??? Ughhhhhh. I’m sending him this article!
(USA) Hello, well my situation is a little different. I got married April, 2011. Since then, me and my husband have been arguing. Its always something. Before we married, I used to battle with his thoughts about his ex-wife, dictating what goes on in his life. Well, we got over that.
Now I’m dealing with a lady who cares for his mother, who has dementia. This lady is married and lives with her husband across the street from my husband mothers house. Since then, she has called my husband asking him about his where abouts when he was late getting to his mothers B-day party held at my husbands brothers house. She also sent him an email last week, letting him know that she signed him up for a free trip.
When I confronted my husband, he said, “its nothing and he doesn’t have a problem with it and if I had a problem with it, I should call her myself.” I feel as though this is disrespectful. Its not my resonsibility to call her and ask of her actions. I feel that it’s his responsibilty to respect me, as his wife and tell her this is inapproriate.
I need to know; am I wrong for questioning my husband or am I just insecure. Do I have a valid point? Many thanks to this site. I found it today. Thanks for listening.
(USA) Sconey, you are not wrong for feeling the way you do. Your husband needs to man up and challenge this ‘woman’ that cares for his mother. He married you not her, so she need to back off. You also do need to confront her and tell her she is not the boss of your husband and she needs to come off it!
Your husband simply does not know how to confront the woman because he is either not a confrontational person or he does not want to because she is the woman that cares for his mother. Or he might like her and something might be going on.
Keep talking to your husband about it, let him know your stance. Flip the situation and ask him would he like it if some random guy was controlling your life like this woman is trying to control his?
Lastly, pray BEFORE you do ANYTHING and let the Holy Spirit guide you into the right actions. God Bless.
(UK) This is me. Going to a counselor tomorrow in the hope that a third party can explain this better than I can. I wish I had the guts to show this to him. However, I have seen and shared things like this before to no avail. We have been for counseling but he only wanted one session. I think he was offended because the counselor tried to explain to him that what he was doing was not working. I sense something else going on and am paranoid that basically there are these possibilities:
a) He doesn’t want to be here but is making the best of it.
b) He doesn’t want to be here and is trying to make me be the blame (there is always someone to blame in his eyes).
c) He is enjoying the drama.
(TRINIDAD) I am in love with my husband but he is never around to comfort me and wish I could be told straight up how he feels so that a decision could be made. LiFe is the little things that count. I some times wish we could lay together and carry on a proper conversation without a person getting angry, or getting up and walking off. He could be so traditional, but most of the time he cuts off his phone and some how I get the picture that he wants nothing to do with me. Some times I ask God why it feels like I’m living someone elses life because this is not the man I once knew.
(USA) Hi, I have been married for a year. I dont know what to do. My husband has been working a lot for the past 2 years and when he is off he wants to work on his car or read car articles and be on the computer. We go on dates once in a while but he is always reminding me that we need to save money and all that but when it comes to drink he doesn’t care how much he spends. And when we have gone to parties (his friends) I feel like I go as his designated driver and not as his wife. I feel like alcohol is more important to him than me.
Talking to him is almost impossible because it all ends up in a big argument and he is never willing to listen to me but when he comes to me talking about sports or cars I do listen to him. I do feel like many other women here, that he just takes from me and I get nothing from him. To top it all of he is very aggressive and he yells at me insulting words in from of his friends and other people and has bitten me a couple of times when we argued. Made holes is the walls slammed my car doors.
Some times when I come home from work and look forward to seeing my husband and talking how my day went. All I find is him passed out drunk.
He is faithful and very sweet. When he wants to be he is perfect, but most of the times he makes me frustrated and upset. Should not let this go on for longer and get a divorce??? Help me please!
(SINGAPORE) Now we all know what to do -the tough part cometh -HOW to DO?
(NL) I’ve been married for almost 4 years. From the beginning my husband cheated on me. I caught him, argued, involved the pastor, etc. and things stopped for a while. 2 years ago, he started chatting, mailing, calling a lady from his village in Nigeria. I told him that if he doesn’t stop I will leave him.
He stopped (I thought), only to find before Christmas 2011, that they are still in contact. For me, this article is a fairy tale… My husband refuses to protect me or our family. If I try to explain how our family (we have a baby too) is affected by his behaviour, he gives me silence treatement or becomes angry. I’m tired and I have no hopes for “us”.
I’m sorry for your troubles! My husband had an affair also! He’s verbally abusive and mean, he runs out of the house as much as he can. He drinks and then picks on me, makes me feel like I’m worthless. I have been dealing with this for 12 years, so you’re not alone! I’m having anxiety problems because of what I’ve gone through, but because I have a son, I don’t want to leave our home; we have pets, I don’t have a car, only my husband does.
I have no job because I don’t have a car and can’t use his, he has all the money, it’s his bank account , my name is not on the account because he says it’s his money because he works for it. But he puts me down constantly and I now have no confidence, I’m depressed, sad and feel bad for my 13 year old son, whom my husband never spends time with! I don’t know what to do , I’m stuck!
I will pray for you! I hope things get better for you! God Bless! You are not alone!
Hi Gale, also Corai, So sorry to hear these sad stories! (I am a husband married 36 years with 2 adult children.) The husbands here need to be brought to task of course!
Gale, from what you say here, you husband has very little if any regard for you. Was your relationship always like this? (Likely not, otherwise why would you marry?) What happened??Your first priority is your 13 year old. Have you sought outside help? Have you sat your husband down and told him where you are here, how you feel? He’s getting away with “the ridiculous!” He needs to understand that you are not his doormat.
You say he “drinks.” Are you saying your 13 year old has “an alcoholic parent?” If so, this can bring significant damage… I would really consider consulting a professional. You and your son deserve better! You are not worthless! I hope my comments help… WP (Work in Progress)
Yhoooo, that sounds familier sister. We need prayers. Sorry eh? Rest assured God is at work in our problems so they will be over soon, in Jesus name.
(USA) My husband is a decent guy, no drinking or jailtime. Our problem is he leaves without saying anything, he never calls to say he’s okay. He doesn’t like it when I call him throughout the day. He says I complain about everything. I’m not trying to complain. I worry a lot, my nature. He doesn’t touch me unless for a few minutes of sex. I give him all the sex he wants so he will be close. I even ask for it when I’m not in the mood. I’m desperate to be near him.
Sometimes he talks to me before sex too which I like. Otherwise he avoids me because I’m too loud. When I ask for a note that is contolling behavior. If I ask if a contractor paid him he says that I complain so he doesn’t say. I worry if the bills are going to be met even when I’m not paying them. My husband lets people slide in hopes of more jobs but people are draining us dry, taking advantage of his rates.
Well anyway, I told him we could split but he doesn’t want to sign anything. I’m confused because I thought he’d be glad to see me go. I requested only my clothes and photos in instance of divorce. I would rather he found someone he wanted to be around than be miserable with me. I can’t make him happy and I can’t change myself to suit him. I don’t drink or spend money. I do beg for affection but I’m very loving. I don’t act on 90% of the times I want to hug him. I didn’t touch him for four days so I’m trying hard to curb my obsessive, loving personality.
His family does not hug so I give him the space he likes. I want him to ache for me the way I do him. He thinks supporting me is love. I DO appreciate our home and things. I just want some attention. He said he hugged me all time before we married because he needed the comfort after his grandma died. I thought he was affectionate. He is self confident, having little want for reassurance. I was confident but it seems the more he excludes me the more assurance I need.
I miss him after about five hours but he stated missing home takes about two weeks. I feel like a monster. I do want to stop asking about his day, when he gets off work, and to touch me. I don’t want to be controlling. I also suffer from anemia, which keeps me sleepy. He says if I were awake more he would touch me. I told him I’m sorry to nod off it’s not because of boredom. I’m painfully tired.
This is another reason I requested separation. He could find someone healthy to wake up early with him. I am sooooo confused. I want to love him in my over zealous way, have him entertain my silly ideas, and talk and listen to each other. I have so many faults like yelling when overwhelmed and talking incessently. He has to hear tons from me. I am writing him emails about things so I don’t yell. I’m trying t listen to him without misconstruing his words. Sometimes he will say small job so I think not all day and night then he will say another job after that, which I miss… then dinner is cold and I’m sad about eating alone. Advice please! I’m out of solutions!
I have seen many relationships which suffer the same kind of issues. In many cases self-oriented or self-centred persons usually focus more on their work than their wife. It’s just because he feels that you depend on him for each and every decision. Try these steps..always while answering for anything reply in a different and intellectual manner. He will be shocked to recieve the not usual replies. Answer in a polite way but it should be felt that you are more intelligent than him. If you are taking charge of anything then give a reason for which he cant refuse. That’ll make you more important and he’ll slowly become more nd more dependant on you.
Don’t tell but instead show him each and everything you do for him so that he may realize no womwn can love him so much and he is special that he found you. Don’t make him feel that he can have sex whenever he wants. It makes him feel that he can get whatever he wants whenever he wishes to. Instead show him that you have demands too and that he needs to know and respect them but do this slowly and in a way that he does not feel neglected. Try to get he him to discuss his things of his day with you. Make a little changes every now and then in your schedule so that he thinks about you in his day because of this change.
It’s not you, it’s him. Rest assured you are not alone.
Sister, it is very normal of you to seek attention from your man and constantly asking him about his day shows that you care. My husband doesn’t know my cell number after 7 years of marriage. Shocking eh!!! I know maybe we kiss 4 or 5 times in a year. That’s the honest truth. I really don’t care anymore; sorry sister. Continue to be your caring and loving self. God will change year situation sooner than you think.
(USA) Well! My husband doesn’t believe in any of the things mentioned above. In fact we live in the same house but he has the down stairs and I the up stairs. Its been this way for over 40 years. He doesn’t want anything from me nor does he really love me. We only had sex once and that was enough for him, I guess. He has only slept with me maybe 2 hours during our marriage. He won’t father any kids he says he hates the little runny nose puuuky brats.
He also told me I can do whatever I want, he didn’t want to hear about. He told me I could leave him or have a boy or girl friend to keep me company; he didn’t care. I’ve been so confused and angry all these years. I just don’t know what went wrong. Before we were married he was really stand offish. We never petted. All we did was hold hands and kiss. I was deceived into our marriage. So many years have gone by and now I’m in my 60s and don’t really care about him any more.
(IRAN) I live in Iran but my fiancé lives in the U.S.A. (California). We became engaged one year ago but before me, he had a fiancé in Los Angeles. They’re now separated but sometimes my fiancé talks to me about her. Unfortunately I’m so sensitive about this subject. I don’t know I what can do before I go too crazy!!! Omg help me :(
You will have to understand his feelings also about her and think it in this way that it is good that he respects a girl and do not just forget if he was into any relationship. You should become more open about his last relationship and take charge to talk about her. After some time her topic will become so common that neither you nor he will feel in the way you both feel right now. Also during this time you will have to observe the things about her due to which he used to think of her fiancé and then make little (not more than enough) changes in you so that he feels that you are better than her in those things also.
Maybe you can pray about this. You may be able talk to him about it, let him know that it bothers you. Does he still have feelings for her or is he just making conversation? Ask God to help you to know what to do, but remember your boyfriend may not realize that he’s hurting you by talking about her. Men and women are very different and we sometimes don’t realize what the other person is thinking and feeling. Honest, calm, communication is probably best. Pray with each other and for each other. God Bless You Both!
Hi Gale, Well said :) Being a man, I can say you’re probably right about the boyfriend having no idea that this hurts. Of course prayers are powerful too! WP (Work in Progress)
(SOUTH AFRICA) The Bible says that men ought to love their wives as Christ loved the church. It also states that we love Him because He loved us first. I would just like to encourage men everywhere to adhere to this simple principle. If this applies to you Sir, Stop being a spiritual baby who expects your wife to mother you into loving her. Be better than that, be her Hero! God bless you all!
(PORTUGAL) I’m recently married …less than a year, and am very hurt by my husband. I wish he could see this article.
I don’t feel respected or cherished. I feel that his parents wishes/feelings are more important than mine. I am so tired of talking to him about this -in fact it’s not my nature to say the same thing over and over, so I just let it ride now. We live 200 km from his parents. He decides to go there when he wants and we have to go -end of story. But he is smart, he makes it like I agreed to the decison.
The other day he got a call from a colleague about a reunion dinner in the town his parents stay in …he accepted, and told me about it afterwards. We were just at his parents’ house 3 weeks ago, and now we are going back there. I find this irritating and disheartening… I feel controlled, like I have no say with anything. All the furniture in our house is essentially what he wanted …even the house he chose before even giving me the opportunity to see what was out there. I feel like a guest in his house: somebody that should be grateful for board and lodging and food (I don’t work anymore). I look after the kids and clean the house, and I feel that he does not appreciate what I do because it’s not ‘work’ as such that brings in an income.
And all this makes me cringe at thought of sex with him. So it’s counterproductive. I don’t know what I can do anymore. I love my husband. I want us to be together forever but I don’t know if I can live this way …he makes me feel unwanted, and not needed.
(U S OF A) I don’t mean to be rude, but why do you let your husband make all the decisions? Does he physically control you? Just tell him that you are just as equal to him and from now on you will make decisions together.
(USA) You need to be assertive, make a decision and stand by it! Next time he tells you last minute that you are going to his parents tell him that You will not be going because you have other plans,ie laundry, cleaning out and organizing a closet or such and explain your time is just as important as his and that you wish he would have asked you if you where free that day.
Don’t think negatively. He likes and loves you. That’s the only reason he makes you feel that it was your decision. It’s because he doesn’t want to spoil the relationship because of meeting his parents. Instead you are being over possessive. It’s obvious because you love him so much that you want all his time. But you’ll have to sacrifice a little of your time to give him space.
Also it is good if he is giving value to his parents more than you. Think it in another way that what will you feel if your child is giving more importance to his wife than you. You also needs to think about his parents. He is a good man who loves and respects his parents so much. Talk to him about this and ask him to discuss some time earlier about visiting his parents and then ask him if you have other plans for the day. Try to be the child of his parents and love them more than he does and then see the result.
(AMERICA) Hmm…the funny thing about this letter is that I do cherished my wife. She’s everything to me. After our 2 years of our marriage I have been doing dishes laundry and cleaning bathroom and bedrooms. Me and her both have a full time job and when I finished cleaning and wasn’t able to see a spot that wasn’t clean and she spot. Well, it all broke loose… I am starting to feel that I am not cherished, that she doesn’t see to things which I am doing… or am I wrong? Help me…
Wow, doing all that!!! I really respect you. Hope one day your wife learns to appreciate you because I think you are one in a million. I am, and am just praying that it won’t be too late for her when she finally opens her eyes.
She’ll never learn.
(UNITED KINGDOM) I have been living in South Wales for 4 years 4 month. And during that time I feel I have lost my identity because my partner makes all the decisions. We renovated the house and he decided what colors, what curtain rods, what color for the wood for the floor, just everything. When I suggested something straight away he said he already had in mind what he wanted. So I didn’t get to pick anything for the home.
Now he has bought a caravan and he said he wanted 2 sleeping bags as it would save having to make up a bed and the sleeping bags could just stay on the little side single beds. He said it was easier to do it that way. So again I had no say in the matter. He has also even looked at the cutlery and and a crockery set on ebay so he is taking control of it all. I sometimes think, am I needed for anything at all except cooking, and cleaning, and laundry service? Beside all this I work 40 hours a week. Oh and also I went online to look at a little tv for the caravan and saw one I liked and when I showed him he said, I already have one in mind. So I think to myself, where is my place in the relationship?
I have not been brought up like this. I was always used to a woman deciding what she wanted for the home. My father was never interested in the kitchen and neither were my 3 brothers. It was alway down to a woman to having what she wanted in the home. I am feeling a bit worthless. Any advice please will be appreciated. Thanks.
Now I don’t seem to waste my time saying to him that I like this or I like that. It’s easier just to not say anything because I know he will have an answer for me and it will be already taken care of.
(INDIA) My husband (who is not a bad sort in general) irritates me! When I talk to him, he pretends he can’t hear. He is either looking at the TV or reading a paper or browsing the net. I have to yell or slap him, to get his attention! If I request him to do any household chores, he does not do it, or does it very resentfully. He leaves stuff all over the house: socks, wrappers, dirty cups!
If I want to go out on a weekend, I have to beg, but he is willing to run over to his sister’s house at her slightest whim. Just a phone call from any of his relatives and he is available! When his office colleagues phone, he has the time (and interest) to jabber with them for an hour! But if I want to talk, he’s toooo busy. The only time he pays me any attention is when he wants SEX! I have a deep resentment and anger against him. I ignore him, I go out on my own (that bugs him). I have started to put up a show of independence i.e. that I can be quite happy without him (that also bugs him). He provides for me well, but treats me worse than a maid or an unpaid concubine!