A person who has been sexually abused as a child often thinks that once the abuse stops, he or she can “just get on with life.” At that point everything will be “just fine.” After-all, the past is the past, right? Wrong.
Personal Experience of Abuse
I’ve been there and have done that and fell for the same lie. I thought that the pain was behind me and I’d be fine. But I wasn’t. And neither was our marriage, because my “past” affected it, or I should say it “infected” it greatly.
I thought that marrying a man who was gentle and kind would lead to a healthy sex life together. My past would then be “my past.” But again I was wrong. It’s not that my husband Steve did everything right to help me deal with things properly. He said and did things in his frustration that sometimes complicated matters even more. But that was not his intent to hurt me further. It just happened. Unfortunately, I didn’t handle matters very well at all. I made matters all the worse because of my inability to know how to best work through my issues.
Past Abuse Has to Be Dealt With
Like many others who have suffered sexual trauma at the hands of someone who took advantage of a child, I found that eventually the past had to be dealt with. I couldn’t just put it on a “shelf” away from the forefront of my mind and count on it staying there any longer. Eventually memories came out to haunt me when I least expected it —especially during intimate times with my husband.
And even though my husband was and is nothing like either of my abusers, somehow I ended up punishing him for the original pain that he did not afflict upon me. The memories kept poisoning my mind and our love-making experiences. Eventually my husband also became a victim of my past sexual abuse. I kept pushing him away more and more until I couldn’t be intimate with him at all.
Understanding Doesn’t Erase Facts
Yes, Steve understood why I acted as I did (at least he said he did). However, it didn’t erase the fact that he wanted to be close to me, but I couldn’t handle any type of sexual closeness. It was just too painful of a reminder of the hurt I had experienced in my past. So, in essence, my past abuse continued haunting me, as well as my husband. He became another victim of my abusers because we couldn’t be as intimately close to each other as we should be. I eventually saw this and recognized that I needed to put an end to our future victimization.
Something that Dr Archibald Hart said in a past Focus on the Family broadcast rang true in my life. It’s probably applicable to most people who need to deal with childhood sexual abuse.
He said:
“It is understandable that you would continue to struggle with the abuse you went through as a child. Our emotions are so intense when we are young that our wounds and injuries often stay with us for a lifetime. The pain is immeasurably worse when the one who wronged us was a parent or a parent surrogate. Nevertheless, the bitterness you feel today is hurting you. It will continue to haunt you unless you can come to terms with it.”
And that is what I eventually knew I needed to do. It wasn’t until a number of years into our marriage that the Lord started to impress upon me that I had “unfinished business” to work on. I needed to deal with what had happened to me. That’s when I first started the painful process of praying and reaching out to find the help I needed. I needed to settle what had happened to me and begin the process of healing. Healing was needed, not only in my mind, but in my love life with my dear husband.
God Opened My Understanding
God helped me to come to the same conclusion as a statement that Dr Hart made:
“Your [abuser] has stolen your childhood. Don’t let him rob your peace of mind as an adult.”
It had for me. And if you’re experiencing this as well, I plead with you to please reach out for the help you need. It’s important to properly deal with all that happened to you. This is true whether you were a young child or an older one when you were originally victimized.
I pleaded with God to either help me stop the nightmares and flashbacks I was experiencing or help me to die. I couldn’t take it any longer. God spoke to me in a way that made Himself real to me. He let me know that if I was serious, the road would be tough and it would be long. But He also let me know I would get to the point of healing that I desperately needed, if I was willing to take the tough journey. I was and I’m so glad I said, “yes” to God in this.
It Was a Tough Journey
I won’t lie and say that it was an easy journey. It was a very, very painful one. And it took a number of years to get through. Yet, even when I was reaching out for help, I never truly thought I would be able to get to the place where I would be completely healthy and whole in dealing with the sexual abuse in my earlier life and the memories that haunted me for so many years. I was willing for any relief that I could get.
And yet, I can honestly give testimony that God has helped me to do an amazing work. My past is no longer being dragged around in my life. I am healed and I am whole. And my husband and I have an amazing connection in every way in our lives together.
Make It Your Mission
I encourage you that if you are being haunted by your past, DEAL WITH IT. Make it your mission NOT to allow your own mind and your marriage carry the burden of this horrible emotional baggage. Also, work to stop the victimization your abuser pushed onto you, and now, your spouse. Your spouse is now being victimized by this abuser, as well. This is hurting your marital intimacy. Work to get the healing you (both) need.
Persevere and be tenacious in opening every door you need to. Do what it takes to get to a place where your past no longer steals joy and peace from your life.
You will probably need help. Your spouse will eventually need to be a part of the healing process. But most husbands and wives do not know how to unpack such delicate and yet powerful emotions without professional help. Some do, but not many.
You May Need Counseling
If you reach out for help though, be careful. Don’t trust just anyone to help you deal with this type of problem. Not all friends, family members and counselors are “marriage-friendly.” Many of them can actually hurt you and your marriage in the process, more than help it. That’s what recent studies are showing.
I’m all for good counsel, but make sure it’s truly the type of counsel you need. We have several articles posted within the Marriage Counseling & Mentoring Topic that I recommend you read. It’s important that you have a better grasp on this whole thing. And if you need help finding a “Marriage-friendly” counselor, you can look into the Links part of that topic. There are ministries, like Focus on the Family, that you can locate the one who can best help you.
Further Help to Heal from Past Abuse
Also, I found a two articles posted on the Internet that might help you in your, and your husband’s journey to healing. I bring up both you and your husband because essentially, you both became victims when you were sexually abused. You received it first-hand. Your husband has been receiving the repercussions. Both of you are innocent (you didn’t ask for it), and both of you have had your lives changed because of it.
This first article is written by Paul Byerly, posted on The-generous-husband.com web site. In it he explains how he tried to help his wife Lori heal from her past abuse. She was willing to do what needed to be done, but he owned up to his own “stuff.” In other words, he saw that he had some things from his past that contributed to the problem, as well. So they BOTH made it their mission to work on their own issues. As a result, they have a very passionate, loving, and forgiving marital sex life together. I encourage you to read:
• IT’S NOT ALL HER —OR ALL YOU
— ALSO —
Below is a link to the Preachitteachit.org web site where, Pastor Roger Barrier answers the following question:
• HOW DO I COPE IF I’VE BEEN SEXUALLY ABUSED?
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
(SOUTH AFRICA) I’m 20 years, college student and not in a relationship. I was sexually abused as a kid. My greatest fear now is that (if I do get married) my husband will see this as a burden to him.
(USA) I am 54 years old now. I lived in a house with two brothers and two sisters. My oldest brother (by 5 years) was given away and made a ward of the state at age 8 – to protect our mother (dad’s answer to finding him unconcious on the kitchen floor, bleeding from his ears). We beleive now that she was undiagnosed Bi Polar II and an alcoholic – and was sexually abused when she was a kid too. My brother was the scapegoat or “Black Sheep”. I unfortunately looked and cried and otherwise reminded her of him – and then I was the scapegoat. For the whole family – it was open season to batter, beat and abuse me in horrible ways – often being set up by other siblings knowing it would distract mom for a long while with her beating and screaming at me. If we kids ever seemed to be getting along or were spending time working with dad – it would result in her having to see that this was not acceptable. My dad was a hard working man with a very heavy hand – and she could get him after me at the drop of a hat. One time, he had me down in a corner in the house with his knee on my neck and screamed that he ought to kill me and cut me “…..up into little peices and flush me down the toilet – where they’ll never find me.” The significance in this was firstly, that a couple of times a year my next oldest would have to dig up the cover on the septic tank so dad could unplug sewer lines coming in from the house to it. After that beating and the threats to cut me up and flush me down the toilet – the next time it needed to be cut up – my mom had me dig up the cover on that septic tank alone. Digging my own grave? There are parts of my childhood that are a blurr – that what I really recall the most, is wondering, who is, “they”? Who was this ferocious guy with his weight pressing me on my neck in a corner of the room, afraid of? I went through a spell in 4th or 5th grade where I was terrified to get off the bus once it stopped at home. I feared for my life much of the time. When I was about 8 or 9, one morning, mom called for us boys to get up out of bed. I didn’t right away and just as I did, she met me with a frying pan as my feet landed and I turned to see her slam that frying pan into my head. The last recall was seeing me launch last nights supper all over her on my way to the floor. I’d wake up a few days later in the hospital not knowing where I was. Another time stands out when my mother would send me out in the dark in a snow storm to keep the sidewalks clear of snow until dad got home – sometimes 6 hours or more while I’d have to hear laughter and supper cooking and know it was warm inside. I remember feeling like the puppy that got big and no one wanted to have to bother with him, so he’s stays tied up in the back yard freezing and neglected – like an unwanted dog. When I was in 8th grade, I was “allowed” to go and live on a farm and work for the farmer. My $20.0/week was to be mailed to my mother to keep in a savings for me. After about 8 months of this and never being allowed to leave the farm – I did. I went on my bike and visited schools friends – andmy mom called while I was gone. Got taken back home. I had been gone just long enough for a new scapegoat to appear – and this was “awkward” for my mother. But she had no problem with the transition. After a week, I had an idea and asked her if I could go and see if Uncle John would need me for the rest of the summer – so she told me go find out and I walked the 24 miles to his farm and stayed the rest of the summer, until school started, and I was taken back home. The first day of school I made alist of all the fees kids have to get money for – locker fee, towel fee and book fees. Mom said there was no more money left – but I knew how much I earned and how much I spent – and answered with how much was supposed to be left. Maybe I’d been away too long – but she blew a gasket and as soon as dad got home, it was as if I talked back to her or even pushed her.Here come that bull again, tossing me around like a rag doll in the yard only I was bigger and stronger now, and out of shear terror I would get my feet under him and launch him across the lawn too. I wasn’t on the offensive at all – he gave up when he had exhausted himself and went in the house and threw all my stuff out in the yard – I left home at 14 on September 4th and went to my uncle’s farm – on the 28th of September, ajudge was asking me in court, in front of my parents, if I wanted to go back home or stay with my uncle until a foster home was available. Many years later I would hear that I “made my choice”.
I write about this now because it tells why I might have an issue feeling rejection later on in life. After getting out of the Army, I met my (1st) wife, Patty – whom it was not possible to be more smitten with, got married, got a house out in the country and expected to have a family of my own and pit this toxic family I came form behind me. In the fall of the second year, I was following my wife around fussing about wanting sex – again. This time, without any warning or reason to expect it, she turned and said, ….”you go into town for that, ….just remember where home is……” and when I could not process that, I began to ask her what she meant. (We’d met where I was a bouncer at a popular night club. I was not chasing after women then – working two jobs and attending night school was my focus so that I could get a good job and have a family one day. Seeing so many pretty girls coming in and leaving – you’d think I would have been more bent on pursuing them – but hey, drunks aren’t that attractive and my job required me to be sober. She struck me as not being like most of the girls coming to the club. I asked around about her and learned she was a good, honest and solid girl, had her own little womens apparel boutique who had not gotten a lot of the usual gossip started. I got up the nerve to talk to her – and she couldn’t quit smiling and looking like she felt awkward.) Before I could finish asking what she meant she forcefully added that, “….we weren’t having any children either.” I could have died! What just happened? She would never talk about it and whenever I tried to – she’d get upset and accuse me of making a big deal out of it. In the last 3 years of the 12 years of marriage, I approached her and begged her to talk to me or go to counciling – and she shut me out – even when I told her I was not sure I can endure this much longer and that I was afraid one day was going to just leave. And I did. A time after we seperated, she came to seeme and handed me a 5 x 7 file card with three rows of names on it. I asked her what this was, and she answered that it was a list ofmen that had either raped, molested or otherwise sexually assaulted her since she was orphaned at the age of nine. Then I started to really read all the names as she asked me what I thought of that. Now, in my defense, I’d just spent my prime years with her and for most of that time, pushed away and drifting further and further away – even begging and pleading with her. MY answer was not meant to be harsh and certainly not towards her – but I said the next time I see your half-brother, I’m gonna kick his butt for him but good! Immediately she said, “see! – that is why I never told you!” I told her that I’d sooner die than allow anyone to make her live in fear and harm our lives together and ruin any chance of having a family. Some of these people had sat our dinner table as guests! When I left – I even left the state. That was in 1990 and a year and a half ago, I moved back. 23 years have passed. She owns a tavern now and has for the last 13 years and I do see her there. We’ve taked and apparently, in my absense, our old friends took sides and assumed the worst in me. This worked for her – and enabled her to not have to explain anything – and she never did. She acknweldges saying I should go into town for sex and that she is amazed that I should still say it was why we divorced. She’d want me to believe, then, that rape is no big deal. Child molestation is no big deal and I should stop bringing it up. She says this now but will also ham it up every chance she gets to proclaim, (aloud, in the bar) how much of a hound dog I was for leaving her like I did. It’s bizarre and rips at me to hear her say one thing an do another – that it’s easier to denigrate and slander me in this way than to stop this pretentious drama. That a list of some 25 men means nothing at all when they are the root of all her pain – and not me. I read in here of wives describing great pain and know they’re hurting their husbands but yet love them very deeply too. I took it as rejection then and I’m seeing it is more about self-preservation, still, to this day. When we were seperated, she came again to me and pleaded with me to not leave her and that she would have children. I about melted right there but I told her that I was not leaving or threatening to leave in order to coerce her into doing something she’s made clear she wants no part of. I said I was raised by a mom that seemed to hate her kids and never wanted them – I would never dream of putting her through that or my own kids. I hate drama and the pretentious games so many people seem to play. I’m no good at it and could never lie like they have to. I told her that what I am doing is finally deciding that I must respect your wishes but that I don’t have to have them as my own. Having a family was very important to me – and I never did have one. I Married twice more – as a rescuer – hoping I could do enough and give enough, in hopes of a little love and acceptance and all I got was resentment for my efforts. All three wives gave no indication or clues anything was wrong – until after the marriage. They wore a mask and “changed” within a year or so. I must be the densist mutt out there because I fell hard two more times after my first wife and I sit here, now, alone and knowing my years are fewer and fewer. I would not say I am jilted to believe that all women are this way and would risk again someday – bite right now – I’m healing myself and need the time out! MY first wife’sinsistance that rape is strill no big deal pretty much clinched it that I’d not want to get back to a relationship with her – but I had to see her and see if she’d been able to put her demons in their rightful persepctive yet. Sadly, no. They say men and women can’t be friends. I can be freinds with her to the extent I understand what is happening and that one day it will boil over. She’s supposed to go in for knee joint replacement surgery in the coming months and won’t be able to busy herself like she has all these years. I’m the only person she has ever told this to and look what it took for her to finaly say anything at all about it. How people’s lives are affected by the actions and choices of some – and they get off scott-free.
(UNITED STATES) As a person who was sexually abused in childhood, I still can’t understand why our culture places so much importance on sex. In my opinion, there are more important things to discuss in marital intimacy, like our VOWS. Love, honor, cherish. I don’t recall my vows being centered around being sexually available upon my husband’s demand. I think men are driven by a strong sex drive, and assume that women MUST attend to their sexual needs. This is not the purpose of marriage. Women are not sex objects.
Whether or not any of you ladies have been sexually abused, don’t let your husbands manipulate you. You are more than your sex organs!! If your husband cannot find value in your spirit and expresses he cannot find fulfillment without a sexual release, tell him that is what his hand is for. You have the right to say no to any sex that is demanded on you, guilted on you -and you have the right to educate your husband that that is a form of sexual abuse. If he really loved you, he would never treat you that way to begin with.
(USA) I can’t remember how young I was when it all started I know I was too young to go to school. My mom would take me to hotel rooms with her and her boyfriend and I would have to watch as they had sex with porn playing. Her boyfriend eventually started doing things to me that always felt good and never hurt. When I was 9 my mother forced me to go with a different boyfriend who repeated raped me. When he was bringing me home he held a loaded gun to my head and told me if he took me home I would tell someone. I begged him not to promised I wouldn’t and he took me home.
When another of mom’s boyfriends saw me later that day he made her take me to the doctor. As soon as the doctor saw me he had them take me to the emergency room. I was later told that I had arrived there with less than a pint of blood left in my body. Everyone knew what happened. I eventually had to testify numerous times against the guy which I did only because I was told that he had done the same thing to girls even younger than me.
I have been married to a wonderful man for 23 years but to this day I have to fantasize to be satisfied. I used to try to talk to my husband about it but I saw how much pain it brought to him so I stopped. I am so tired of living a life I know is not pleasing to God. I look at pics, read stories, and think about things that would discust me to see or be involved in but I can’t seem to stop and it seems to be getting worse. I don’t want this.
(MALAYSIA) I have been married for thirty years. It was only in the last few years that I discovered the reason for my husband’s lengthy baths, aggression and lack of sexual intimacy with me. He had been sexually abused as a child under five years of age, by a male relative. I had asked God why he had these problems and the words “sexual abuse” flashed through my mind. One hour later a friend called to tell me God spoke to her about the same thing. The same night my husband told me about the abuse. Talk about miracles! I finally knew the answer but I still have a heap of problems with him. I told God that I will look only to God for help and keep my eyes fixed on Him. It has helped me tremendously to be heavenly minded rather than earthly minded. I thought I was going crazy before this when I realized that there were many unexplained situations in the past that suddenly took on ugly connotations in the light of my new found knowledge.
Looking to God has helped keep me sane. I don’t grieve like before. I wish all those in a similar position, the best that life can give you and by God’ s grace, you will overcome.
(USA) This is all too familiar to me. It happened to me as a young child, many times. He was a family member. I grew up very angry, feeling not deserving to be loved. I blocked it from my memory. I did not know why. When I was 24 my niece was molested at a day camp and by a cousin. When my sister told me, I had a flood of memories that never went away– of my childhood. I told my sister but no one else. I had to get married at 18 because I chose to drink to become intimate. I remember saying No, but he pushed himself on me and 9 months later my son was born. There was no love in the marriage just affection. He began going steady with an old girl friend on my son’s first birthday. I was Catholic, so there was no talk of divorce. He cheated on me and moved in and out for the 16 years we stayed married. I raised my son practically alone. The marriage should not have happened. He forced me to watch porn and it made me sick. I tried to pretend a long time. After 16 years, he was publicly dating and my son saw him. It ended then.
I got engaged to a high school friend 3 yrs. later. He was into cocaine and drinking. Drinking was our common interest. We both worked and hoped to marry. After I found his hairbrush full of blond hair (not my color or his) I knew history was repeating itself. I got in trouble for drinking. I went back home and lived with my mom. I got in trouble for drinking again and lost my license. My Mom became my best advocate and my best friend. I was sentenced to a child protective agency. Not only did I clean and paint every day, but I had to attend the daily supports groups. This was my BIG break. I was able to tell my Mom the truth. She cried, I cried and she became my biggest supporter. She drove me to work and to the agency. She even sent for a book on Childhood Abuse. I got my license back after a year. One night she told me to go to a singles dance. I met my new husband. He seemed different from the others I knew. The counselors said to give someone who bored me a chance. I did. We married 6 mos. later. I had been divorced now for 8 years and seemed to be finally getting it together. He said he had been in jail, so I thought it was county or something like that. He was also a Viet Nam Vet. We married in a small church and I locked the door so no one would stop the wedding. I guess I did not trust my decision or his past. I took a leap of faith. I figured I was pretty well on my way to healing from the abuse and I could handle a new marriage. I loved him very much! We had a good life together and a good sex life with all things included. Then it happened, after about 6 mos. or so while he was asleep, he grabbed me by the hair and pulled my head down on him to perform oral sex. I tried to pull away, and then I thought well maybe this is how I am suppose to do this. He held my head tight and when he was done he shoved me away and continued sleeping. I tried to wake him up but he continued sleeping. I was shocked, but thought a new marriage, maybe there were things I needed to learn. I asked him about it in the morning and he laughed it off and denied it. He did it again and this time I made him talk about it.
He said it was a problem he had and other woman had told him he did this. He said he was sorry and he knew how to handle it. That was it! I was sickened and upset so I dug through his personal files in his closet and found his trial transcript. The sex act he forced me to do was the same one he had forced a 17 year old hitchhiker, he had picked up when he was 25 to do. He also drove her over the state line so he was charged with kidnapping and the man act. He was sentenced to 3 years in Federal Prison and 6 months in solitary confinement. I was now horrified. I confronted him when he came home and he said it all had been a misunderstanding, that he could not complete it- so it did not count. He claims he cut down our sex life at night so this would never happen again. I tried to talk to my Mom. I told her I thought I needed an annulment. It was hard to admit to what he actually did to me. She meaning well, said it was my second marriage and maybe I just needed to learn some things and try harder. She said I married him for better or for worse. If I had told her the truth, I know she would have told me to leave. We stayed married 16 years. My son from my first marriage was bi polar for 20 years and after an accident got addicted to morphine pills. He died in 2011 at 39 yrs. old. At the same time my mom was in end stage cancer. She died 5 months later.
In between, my husband packed his truck and abandoned me to our retirement home. I needed him so much at that time. He said he could not handle the stress of all that was happening to me. I was so angry. I thought we were together for better or worse. When the worse came he fled. He told every one I never trusted him and that is why he left. I told him to tell the truth about his sexual assault on me. It was one of the reasons I never trusted him. He refused. I wrote letters to his family telling them about the sexual abuse in our early marriage. He became livid and said he was sorry for doing it, but had stopped it, so he figured he handled it and it was not the reason for mistrust. His family stands behind him to this day and have excluded me for talking about his assault on me and his past. What they won’t admit to is that he is a conman, who conned his way into my life and caused even more damage to me. I had done what this column is all about. I had gotten help and had even had it out with the person who sexually assaulted me as a child. I felt whole again and cleansed inside and I thought I was ready for my second marriage. I did not see the abandonment coming. He spoke nothing of good things about me to my family until he ran away. I just figure he is probably more damaged than me. My life is in total turmoil now. I worked for a year and now I am just sitting home thinking. I have joined a grief support group. I have learned I DO NOT HAVE TO LIKE IT, WHAT HAS HAPPENED, BUT I MUST ACCEPT IT AS REAL…all of it. So in conclusion, YES childhood abuse spills over into your life and your decision making forever…Thank you for listening to me.
(USA) My husband has been neurologically tested. He wanted to be tested because he thought he had superior intelligence and this would prove he had Aspergers. He was not diagnosed with the disorder but with passive aggressive disorder and antisocial tendencies. He exhibited some bizarre behavior…he solicited for women and took pictures of them in our bed in nude erotic positions. He did all this without my knowledge. To me this man is very sick. He did all this while we had been in couples therapy for 1 1/2 years to generally improve our marriage (we had been married for 31 years) and a non-existent sex life. This is a highly inappropriate reaction because of covert depression in a man that has very little ability to recognize his own feelings.
We have been back in therapy now for about 6 months and his arbitrary anger directed at me is making me very nervous and frightened about what will happen to me. I am not afraid of any physical violence. He is verbally abusive and it’s awful. I need a break from this behavior. I sometimes think he may have been sexually abused as a kid and has no sense of how it affected him. Is this possible? Or is he just so unbelievablly not in touch with his feeling that he acts like he has had attachment problems?
(UNITED STATES) My husband and I have been married for 16 yrs. He is the most loving man I have ever met. The past couple of years my husband wants me to pleasure him in a certain way. Like many others who have been abused, my father tried to make me do this certain act on him. My husband and I had an argument about it last night. My husband told me “why can’t you just leave the past where it belongs”! I am not your father, honey! Just get over it! It hurt what my husband said. My husband did not mean to hurt my feelings. He said that he is just so frustrated. I told him so am I. That is… I’m frustrated with myself. I would never leave my loving husband. He said he would never leave me either. But why can’t it just go away? I love my husband so very much. He is so deserving of so much more than this. He says we will work on this together because our love for one another is very strong. But this is what I mean! He has been so patient for so long. I feel like I am doomed to be this cold fish of a person.
I am thinking about going back to counseling. I, of course, cannot bring this up to family. To them (the physical and molestation from age 5-17) never happened. When I first told my mother what was going on (I was 12) I was taken to a shrink where I felt like I had to say what my father did to me. After a month or 2 I stopped going. I refused to talk about it. I had to stop talking… no one believed me anyway! My mother would then tell me now and then that when I had not mentioned the “horrible stories about your father” she would say: “I just want to tell you that you have been really good lately!” I didn’t know why but I always felt worse when she told me this. She even said it would be nice if I apologized to my father because I really hurt him and it would make him feel better. My parents even had my grandmother come live with us because my lies were getting out of control. They even convinced my grandmother that I had made up lies. She also told me I should tell my father I was sorry. That was until the day he would try and make her sit on his lap. She then took me aside and asked me what my father had been doing to me all these years. Grandma then said she was so sorry that she ever tried to make me ever say sorry, or that I lied about what my father had been doing to me.
Sadly my Grandmother died 2 years ago. She and my husband are the only two people who have ever believed me! I miss her so very much. She would protect me whenever my father was around after our talk. If my Grandmother had not told me to never say I was sorry because I didn’t do anything wrong, and I am not a liar or a bad child… I WAS going to apologize to my father. I just wanted to stop being blamed for everything. I wanted to be good. But Grandma said that would be a lie. So I have kept my promise to her. I did not apologize to my father. My sister tells me I need to get over it (my father never abused her). I just try to forget. But the flashbacks and memories are hard to put on a shelf. So, for anyone out there feeling like I do you are never alone. I will fight for keeping my love and message with my wonderful husband and bestfriend! My father has taken my past away from me but, I will not let him take my future. To my loving husband, you will always be worth fighting for!
(UNITED STATES) Hello everyone! I just wanted to say thank you for sharing what you have been through. Thanks to this site and everyone who shared what we have gone through and those who have given helpful advice and very helpful information. This in itself has given me hope. I never knew other people felt the same way I do about being intimate with their husband or wife. I never could understand why I would push my husband away, why I never wanted sex, and how could I love him so so much and not feel the same way. The feeling of being ashamed, dirty, not lady like after sex… I just never knew??? I just knew that I should be enjoying this part of our marriage but could not understand why.
It’s hard to explain… my husband knew even when we dated about my physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. I always felt as I said before dirty, like arousal is bad a sin. I have never told my husband how it makes me feel. Believe it or not I feel a little at ease just knowing that there really are other people out there who feel and act the same way I do. I feel like I should have known this all along. I feel stupid for not thinking! Again thank you all for sharing. Each and every one of you have taught me so much in just the last 24 hrs. I feel like there is HOPE and a warm light. It will take time. But now I know I am not alone! God Bless you all!
(UNITED STATES) If anyone has helpful advice, I would be so grateful! Sincerely, Kelly :o
Kelly, I have no fancy words to tell you that will cause this pain to instantly go away. It won’t, no matter what I (or anyone else) could say. This is something you keep committing to God and working through. I also suffered at the hands of a close family member, two close relatives, actually. The pain of it left many emotional scars. But I can tell you that God can help you to get to a better place emotionally and in many additional ways with your husband. I know. I have been and am there. But it takes tenacity and perseverance and the mindset that you will NOT remain a victim. You are an over-comer! Please lean into that as fact.
Your ability to fight that type of abuse and your voice was taken away from you when you were younger, but you are no longer that little girl. Keep leaning into the healing process. If you need to go to a counselor to help you process another layer of the horrible memories, then please do so. I’ve had to do this more than once. It’s worth the effort, even though it’s so very painful. But when you have an infection, which has dug itself deep within you, sometimes it takes more than one heroic effort to reach down further and get it all out so only a scar is left –evidence of a fight… but a victorious one.
I pray for you and your husband. He doesn’t understand. This kind of assault grabs at every part of who we were and tries to taint everything we are and try to be. If someone has not gone through this, they have only a vague understanding of the depths of the hurt it has caused. But the fact that he is willing to work with you on this together is so, so good. Something that helped me when my husband couldn’t quite grasp the damage these assaults had done to me is realizing that what was done to me changed HIS life forever too. He became a type of victim too, on a different level because it affects his life too on a different level. When I saw this (I believe it was something that God helped me to see), I realized that the victimization needed to stop. These relatives might have stolen my innocence and damaged me in many ways, but they weren’t going to keep inflicting pain in my future. I dug in all the more to reach for any type of help on this that I could because I REFUSED and refuse to live as a continual victim. And I refuse to allow my husband and my marriage carry the load for the hurt I have suffered.
I can’t tell you the exact moment, but one day I realized that I was freer than I was in the past –that the nightmares had stopped and little things that triggered memories no longer did that anymore. I’m not saying that I have forgotten everything, because I haven’t. But it’s like looking at a scar –it doesn’t hurt like it did. I am now living a life of freedom and love with my husband. And all I went through is now being redeemed by God as I use it to quietly reach out to others when God impresses me to do so. I’m doing that now with you, Kelly. Keep praying; keep believing; keep reaching out for healing, and eventually I have no doubt that you will experience MUCH better days and a type of closure so you can better live out each day with joy. My husband and I just celebrated our 41st anniversary and I can say with all that is within me that our marriage has never been better. I love this patient, loving man with all my heart. We are both over-comers and victory is ours. I pray that for you.
P.S. I’m reading a book right now by Ed Underwood titled, When God Breaks Your Heart: Choosing Hope in the Midst of Faith-Shattering Circumstances
. Even though it doesn’t particularly pertain to sexual abuse, I’ve found that I can relate to that which he writes about suffering. You may think about getting this book and reading it. As you read it, you can pour out your heart to God and allow Him to speak to you to bring additional healing along the way. I hope and pray you will find this to be so. I also hope and pray God infuses hope into your heart that you will eventually experience better days –ones that will bring a smile to your heart.
(UNITED STATES) Dear Cindy, thank you thoughtfully prayers. Everything in my life I have fought for. Nothing has ever come easy! Of course nothing in life ever does. I would never blame God for the sadness in my life. I know in life there are lessons and values to be learned. The human part of me just prays of more sooner than later. I know there is no easy answer. In life there never is and I’m okay with that.
I am used to working hard and never giving up. At times I just get so tired and find my self asking why… why me… why us. Again no easy answer. I keep praying for the day when it will be easier to put it away. Just when I think things are going well that scar starts to bleed again. I know it will take time. I will do whatever it takes because I love Mark very much and I know I deserve his love too. It’s just hard…tired. Bless you Cindy and thank you! Hugs ooo
(USA) I often read that women who experienced Child Sexual Abuse often choose husbands or boyfriends that are physically and verbally abusive. Could it be that if the woman doesn’t share her childhood story and the man has no idea why she cannot meet his needs of feeling loved and close “intimacy,” and feeling rejected, can it cause a man that typically would not have been abusive in a normal relationship become hurt and angry, and then he becomes abusive? I would believe that happens more often than not, but it’s never mentioned.
Floyd, This is what has exactly what has happened in my marriage of 26 years. My wife has all but vacated her position emotionally and physically, she refused to worship God in a small group saying she does not feel comfortable In a mixed sex setting. Any physical and emotional connection is mostly gone. The marriage therapist we saw for 2.5 years “fired us” as we we not making progress. She would not participate in communicating and refused to bring her body and soul to the marriage, somehow expecting me to “get fixed” so she could go on ignoring me emotionally and physically.
She has busied herself to the point of being too tired or physically unavailable. I was completely ignored through major tragedies one faces in life. When a child is ignored, they do what they can to get attention, positive or negative. If I’m ignored when I’m romancing her I will get her attention in less than nice ways. This has finally put me into the position of needing to disassociate during any emotional or physical intimacy as this has been how she has acted in 27 of the 28 years of marriage.
It made me similar to her perp, not caring about her needs. She never expresses them so I can’t fulfill them. She couldnt say what was wrong at the therapist so it could be addressed, just that I was mean or uncaring. I knew about the abuse before marrying her, I though I could love her out of it. I’m still trying but I think all hope is lost. All I have left is praying.
I’m so glad I came upon this. I was only trying to think of a topic for my power point presentation. But I thankfully passed by this. I was going through some crazy things and this is a subject that takes me back ALL the time. I end up crying at some point in the day. I don’t really talk about what happened but I know I’m not the only one and I can be strong with my head held high.
Selena, I admire your courage for pressing on and trying to get past your past. Having been a victim myself of sexual abuse when I was a child, I know how difficult it is to keep the thoughts that can haunt us at bay. I would go along fine for a bit and then cry at different points. It was overwhelming sometimes and confusing. I even went through bouts of nightmares and such. I really thought that if I held my head high, like you are trying to do, I would eventually overcome my past and lead a good life without having my past haunt me. But I found out differently. These types of nightmarish memories don’t just disappear unless they are properly dealt with. If they aren’t, they find ways of creeping back into our minds in different ways.
Yes, I’m leading a good life now –a great life in many ways, but it has been because I finally faced my past –with intentionality I took all the haunting thoughts and nightmares of my past and dealt with each one of them one-by-one. God helped in revealing the ones I had buried that needed to be faced and worked me through them so I could properly bury them (without them resurrecting themselves). I had the help of a counselor, and others (including a great husband who suffered a lot because of the way I was victimized by other men in my life). It was harder than I could ever describe. But it was also the best thing I ever could have done. My past is now past and the future looks bright, as it should.
Selena, I’ve never met a woman who has been through sexual abuse that has successfully been able to ignore their past. The ones that are victorious are the ones who face their abusive memories head-on and give them proper burials. Otherwise, they keep living their lives as victims, hurting others along the way too (even though that is not their intent)… the victimization keeps spiraling on. That’s why the abuse HAS to be dealt with, so the victimization is stopped, and THEN the bad stuff can be left behind.
I’ve been with countless women on this issue and I just want you to know this. You can delay the healing process by just trying to hold your head up high, but if you want to truly leave the past in the past, there is a day (or days, weeks or so) of reckoning that has to happen. I hope you are able to do this sooner, rather than later. I’d hate for you to keep dragging this along with you for the rest of your life. You don’t deserve this… you didn’t deserve any of the abuse that happened to you. I’m so sorry for the pain you had inflicted upon you. I cry with you as your sister. I also pray for you –pray you are able to beat back the past and come to realize the wonderful gal that you are –someone God loves very much –someone He wants to set free. May you be blessed as you lean upon Him.
Dear Cindy, I just finished crying and decided to check for relevant Christian sites on line when I stumbled on your site. My husband and I have been married for 7 years and its been great and at the same time painful for me. I have always believed in keeping one’s body before marriage. When my husband and I first slept together, I experienced a lot of pain and there were thick reddish brown clots but no blood. My husband didn’t really react much (but apparently he was shocked). I really didn’t think much of this incident because I felt an almost unbearable pain. I did not even dwell on the fact that there was no blood because I saw clots etc. As I had never physically slept with anyone, I didn’t think twice about anything.
But throughout my marriage, my husband has had the habit of saying I am a liar, a deceiver etc., and that I have slept with others before meeting him. The painful truth is I have not, and for years, I have endured the pain and emotional abuse. I have always been very insecure and would simply cry and accept his apologies (after he must have shouted on me or tortured me to tell him the truth). I suspect I may have been a victim of abuse when I was very very young. The only flash back I have ever had was once when I saw a flash of myself as a baby on what appeared to be a kitchen work top surface. I cannot pinpoint clearly if this happened but this is my guess.
My husband has always commented that ‘I am still very shy with him’. Even when I lived in the university campus, I was very particular about covering up myself whilst changing my clothes, and would often get comments from other students, that I was always covering up so quickly. I am so protective of my daughter and because of this, I never leave her with anyone apart from when she goes to the nursery. I was with foster parents when I was a baby (under the age of one) and I sometimes wonder if anything happened there. Looking back, the only thing I remember is that my older brother playing with my private parts when I must have been 6 or 7 but I can’t remember him doing anything other than this.
I am a Christian and I love God so much… The past years have been so painful because of my husband’s on and off behaviour, one moment he’s loving and apologizes for ever doubting me and the next moment, he’s calling me all sorts and asking me to tell the truth. I just got an email from him saying ‘I didn’t meet you as a virgin so stop pretending to be one’. It’s like my heart has been ripped apart and I sometimes feel like killing myself. Thankfully, I know God cares deeply about me and this is the only thing keeping me sane.
My husband even took me to see a Pastor (African) and explained our challenges to him, but the Pastor just asked me questions and told my husband to trust me. After that one visit, there was no follow up and my husband got even more irritated. I feel angry sometimes because I know he has had girlfriends in the past and slept with them in the past. Yet I have never slept with anyone but him and I am going through so much hell and pain. I don’t know what to do. Can you suggest anything? Thanks
Your virginity should have nothing to do with your present state with your husband. Christ teaches that the man should treat his wife like Christ cares for the church. Christ didn’t insult and belittle the church, he cared for it and embraced it because it held his children. Your body is your business and no one has the right to insult and belittle you. He is expressing his own insecurities so maybe approach it with that understanding but you should have firm boundaries that the subject of your virginity is over and not up for him to use as a weapon against you. If he brings it up, resist commenting.
Perhaps try these replies:
“I love you – What is happening in your life that you are latching on to something that is not a problem between us? What is really wrong?”
“That is not an issue between us anymore. Our bond as husband and wife is strong and we are past it. Is there something else that has you feeling down?”
As far as how you ‘act’ intimately with him, be yourself and if he questions that a short reply of “I am myself. To suggest I am acting simply doesn’t fit. When you criticize my nature it builds distrust between us. I want us to grow together and enjoy sex as a couple. I hope you want that as well.”
Hope all is well with you!
Thank you for posting!
I have suffered childhood sexual abuse since the age of 6 until the age of 19 when I was nearly raped by my older brother. My 3 older brothers abused me. When everything came into the open I was told the police could not be involved. I was forced into a marriage at 21. I couldn’t consummate the marriage because of the abuse, and was beat up black and blue to live with this person for 6 years. My mother who condoned the abuse, forced me into the marriage, and started beating me until I was at my wits end and nearly committed suicide. I ran away but was found and beat up yet again for running away. I managed to get the jewellery out to hand back to my in laws so I could get out of the marriage.
I was kicked out of house and home at the age of 26. I thought everything had stopped now and I was ok but that’s so far from the truth, I am still living the abuse, now suicidal, drinking myself to oblivion. I have managed to get myself into trouble with the law as well now, and wanting to die, I am on the mental health register, supposed to be getting support from the right channels but nothing is making me better. The only option I feel I have is death as I live on my own and the 4 walls are caving in on me, and my only friend is alcohol.
I’m Praying For You Nasreen.