Marriage Missions Editor Note: This article is written to wives. However, most of it could also have been written to husbands. We encourage you to glean through it and learn what will apply in your marriage concerning functional fixedness:
Dr. Melody Rhode often uses a psycho-neurological term to describe a man’s reluctance to change: FUNCTIONAL FIXEDNESS. Men don’t normally change if what they’ve been doing seems to be working for them. When a woman allows her husband to treat her with disrespect, he has no motivation to change. So it’s unlikely he ever will.
Different Blueprint Needed
Melody notes:
“There’s a simple question I ask wounded women who seek help to endure belittling or degrading treatment from their man. ‘Why does your husband treat you badly?’ Answer: It’s because he can.”
This is not, in any way, to blame a woman for the abuse. Instead, it is to develop a new blueprint for a different future. Melody continues:
“If what he’s doing is working for him, why change? He needs a compelling reason to change; and it needs to be more compelling than your unhappiness or private misery with the situation.”
Motivated to Change from Functional Fixedness?
I would think that a God-fearing man would be motivated to change simply by understanding that his actions hurt you. But I’m also a realist. Some of you may be married to a man who doesn’t much care if his actions hurt you. He cares that he is able to get what he wants. In such cases, allowing the behavior to continue while complaining about it won’t change anything. It’s not your pain that motivates him; it’s his pain. You have to be willing to create an environment in which the status quo becomes more painful than the experience of positive change.
Here’s the trap I’ve seen too many women fall into: a woman keeps expressing to her husband how he is doing something (or not doing something) that is hurting her. Even after several such conversations, he doesn’t change. Or perhaps he’ll change for a few days and then go back to his old habits, at which point the wife complains again.
No Lasting Change Concerning Functional Fixedness
Still, no long-term change. The wife reads a book or attends a seminar. And then she decides she needs to find a better way to communicate so she can get her message across. But even after this, there’s no permanent change. Her error is assuming that she’s not getting through. In point of fact, she is getting through to her husband. He may fully understand and be completely aware of her pain; but he’s not motivated by her pain. If he likes the marriage as it is, he’ll put up with an occasionally disagreeable conversation now and then.
In such cases, spouses need to make a serious evaluation. There was a point in “Jenny’s” marriage when she realized, based on her and her husband’s parents’ health history, that she and “Mike” could be married for sixty years. At the time, Jenny had been married for just fifteen years. That left, potentially, another forty-five years of being together. It also meant another forty-give years of a situation that Jenny wasn’t sure she could live with.
Unwanted Divorce
“There is no scenario in my life plan in which I want divorce —none,” Jenny told me.
“At the end of my life, my fervent hope and determination is to be, unreservedly, a one-man woman. But I also know enough not to overestimate my patience. I could put up with some disappointments. But was I willing to live with this for another forty-five years? At that point, I felt I needed to be more honest about some struggles and more up-front about making a change. It created some discomfort for a season as I stopped pretending that everything was OK. But was a season of discomfort worth changing the course of our marriage for the next forty-years? Without question!”
Without nagging and without pretty recriminations (withholding sex, the silent treatment, a critical spirit, and so forth), Jenny gently but forcefully made her husband see that as long as he acted the way he did, their marriage was going to suffer in specific ways. These ways affected him. It was only when Mike started feeling his own pain that he was shaken out of his functional fixedness enough to change his behavior.
Don’t Over-estimate or Pretend
I believe Jenny makes an important point. Be wary of over-estimating your willingness to live with a glaring hurt or a gaping need. Don’t pretend that Satan won’t exploit it or that you won’t be tempted by another man who happens to be strongest exactly where your husband is weakest. If, like Jenny, your ideal life plan leaves no room for divorce, you must honestly accept your weaknesses. You must be willing to create a climate in which your spouse will be motivated by his pain. This is a courageous and healthy movement toward your spouse and toward preserving and strengthening your marriage. It is an act of commitment, not rebellion.
All this requires a very specific application based on your spouse’s personality. I can’t give you “five steps to overcome functional fixedness” here; but you’ll receive plenty of ideas and suggestions as we touch on various topics throughout this book. [This is a good reason to obtain this book.] At this point, it’s enough to say that if merely communicating your hurt isn’t solving the problem, you’re most likely dealing with a case of functional fixedness. You’ll also need to be strong to address that issue.
The Trap of Functional Fixedness
Some women fall into the trap of failing to speak up for fear of losing their man; they don’t want to “rock the boat,” even though it appears that the boat is headed toward a waterfall. But this passive acceptance makes it more likely that the husband will stray; he won’t respect his wife for putting up with his poor behavior, and this attitude will only reinforce his disrespectful behavior. Sadly, many women think their husband’s anger is the great enemy of their security; but, if fact, weakness and the corresponding relational boredom pose a far more potent threat.
If you can stand strong and secure in your identity and in your relationship with Christ, courageously making it clear how you will and will not be treated, you will be amazed to see how to respect and show for yourself rubs off on your husband.
This Fixedness Must Change
Here’s the male insider’s view, right at the start: you have more influence over your husband than you realize. When you are a woman of respect, the last thing your husband wants is to lose you. If he thinks he can have you and his aberrant behavior, he’ll take both. But if the day comes when he knows you won’t simply turn a blind eye to what he’s doing, when he thinks he might even lose you if he continues down the path he’s walking, he’s going to be shaken out of his functional fixedness. And then he may consider making changes.
…Dr Melody Rhode sees the threat of a husband’s losing his wife as perhaps the greatest possible motivator for a husband. Of course, we have to place this within the context of a covenantal, committed marriage. The Bible is very specific and very limiting regarding what constitutes an acceptable divorce. Discontentment, seeming incompatibility, and mere displeasure don’t qualify! Melody points out, “A woman’s power needs to be surrendered to God and used for his purposes, not our own.”
You DO Have Power
She also stresses, however, that most women, because of our culture, don’t realize the power they have to move their husbands. “They feel powerless because of their sex,” she observes, “and this has resulted in a lot of pent-up anger, frustration, and even desperation.” As your brother in Christ, I’m encouraging you to be bold, courageous, and strong. Use the natural and very spiritual influence and role that God has designed for you to move the man in your life.
…Our culture in general—even Christian culture—is on a long slide toward passivity. It completely goes against who God made us to be.
Wishing Won’t Change Functional Fixedness
Let me be blunt: hope is not a strategy. Merely “wishing” that your husband would change, merely “wanting” your marriage to be different, won’t do anything. The problem is that some Christians spiritualize wishing —we call it “praying.” Please understand, I’m not knocking prayer; I’m challenging a misconception about prayer, namely, that we can merely voice our displeasure and expect our world and our relationships to be transformed. True biblical prayer is about much, much more than that. It involves receiving our marching orders and then acting on them.
A good marriage doesn’t happen by accident, and a good marriage isn’t maintained by accident. I’ve never written a book by accident, and you can’t build a business by accident. These endeavors require deliberate choices and much perseverance. When you start acting instead of merely wishing, when you begin taking initiative instead of simply feeling sorry for yourself, you become an active woman, and active women mirror the active God who made them.
Active God, Active Women
Genesis 1 provides our initial glimpse of who God is. The first thing God wants us to know is that he is an extraordinarily active God. In Genesis 1 there are thirty-eight active verbs describing what God does: he creates, he speaks, he separates, he calls, he blesses, he gives, and much more —all in just one chapter.
Then—and this is the key—he tells the woman and the man to do the same: “God blessed them [male and female] and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground’” (Genesis 1:28).
God made you, as a human being, to rule in this world, to subdue it, to act according to his image. Sin begins with sluggishness, despair, and despondency. People give up on their marriages, on prayer, their churches, their kids, and eventually even give up on themselves. They say, “It’s no use.” They start to sulk instead of painstakingly remaking their marriage —simply because their first (or even tenth) attempt failed.
Deliberate Choices
This may sound like a hard word; but readers of my previous books know I’m not one to shy away from that. Your marriage is what you make it. The relationship you have is the direct result of what you’ve put into it. And in many cases, a marriage can rise only to the level of your courage. Initial romantic intensity is unearned; it seems to fall on us out of nowhere. But marriage has to be built stone by stone. We have to make deliberate choices; we have to be active and confront the weaknesses we see in ourselves and in each other.
This article comes from the GREAT book, Sacred Influence: How God Uses Wives to Shape the Souls of Their Husbands
— ALSO —
Below are some links to additional articles. We suggest you glean through them to see if you can find more information to help you in your marriage. If the article is written to wives and you are a husband looking for answers, or the reverse is true, please read the article anyway. Look to see if you can adapt the info given to help you concerning functional fixedness in marriage.
• HOW TO RESPOND WHEN A SPOUSE WILL NOT MEET EXPECTATIONS
Filed under: Communication and Conflict Save My Marriage
(KENYA) Hi, Thank you for such an awakening article. It’s just what i needed to hear. I am married to a nice guy. I choose to describe him, in the opposite to what i feel- I have had major issues in communication. I have tried everything, cold treatment, denying him sex, violence, being nice and all sweet to him, but nothing has worked so far. I was so frustrated and I was done! I wanted to part ways knowing fully well that it wasn’t God’s plan but I have been praying a lot, secretly hoping God will give me the go-ahead.
I love reading this website, it’s been a blessing. But I have to say this so far is the best blessing. I am willing to work things out. I’ll write down a list of things I NEED TO CHANGE and present to God so that we can work on this project together. I am excited! Things will change!
(U.S.) Me and my wife have been together for 17 years and married for 14 years. Recently we have been going through some problems, like one of them is me changing my ways. I’ve never seen myself as a bad person, but after the article, it describes me to the tee. I try to change but it never lasts. I have been given an ultimatum and I don’t like it. I understand that she is tired of the same and I have gotten comfortable. I really want to change for me and my marriage.
(INDIA) Bro, I’m having the same problem during any fight between me and my wife. Somehow I lost control over myself. I really want to change my this habit. And any change I bring in my habit regarding to my bad behaviour does not last long (just because of me. Only I know and I want to say sorry to her for that). I can’t help it… please help if you have any suggestions…
It’s good for you to know that you know you are at fault. Stop making it look like it’s so hard to change. Do you think your wife would not like to shout and scream like you or hit you on your head or lose control like you? What makes her different from you? She respects people. You have no respect for others so you have no desire to control yourself cos you think you are superior to others and can go ahead and do vicious things and then say sorry and be accepted again. Wake up, would you do what you are doing to the Police chief? You will find yourself handcuffed in a jiffy and put in jail. Always see your wife as a Police Chief and maybe you will stop.
(USA) This article is great but I do have one question. When it says that men a motivated by their own main and not ours as women what kind of pain are they referring to?
"Without nagging and without pretty recriminations (withholding sex, the silent treatment, a critical spirit, and so forth), Jenny gently but forcefully made her husband see that as long as he acted the way he did, their marriage was going to suffer in specific ways — ways that affected him."
How do you gently but forcefully show your husband that his actions are going to cause him suffering without doing any of the things named above?
I ask because I am currently not speaking with my husband right now. We’ve been growing distant for some time now. Sometimes it seems to get good for a little while and I really believe he’s changed; but then it all falls apart again. I have prayed, read books, sought Christian counseling, and even left for a short period of time. I don’t know what else to do. I feel as if this article is a completely accurate account of my husband. He doesn’t care if he hurts me, and he doesn’t care to make any effort to change things.
What can you do if your spouse doesn’t think there’s a problem? He’ll admit that we’ve grown apart; he’ll admit that he doesn’t feel close to me, but he says that’s ok. I don’t believe its ok.
I can’t continue living this way, and I know that God doesn’t want me to live this way. I’ve said that and tried to do everything I could. I’ve given God my marriage and things do get better but my husband always reverts back to his ways. I don’t know what to do anymore. I do feel alone, and unwanted. I am constantly suspicious and doubting of him. He breaks just about every promise he ever makes (not exaggerating). He lies to me about stupid things. There is no trust, and he is disrespectful to me, but I haven’t ever tolerated it. I don’t know what else to do. I have been abandoned and neglected for so long that I don’t even know if I love him anymore, and I am stuck here. I don’t believe in divorce so I am stuck here.
I agree that because my husband doesn’t care if I am hurting he needs to change because of his own suffering (because he wants to) but if the things above are not the way to show him that his actions cause him suffering, what does? How do you gently but forcefully show your husband that his actions are going to cause him suffering?
Please pray for me? Love, Lynne
(AUSTRALIA) Your life and my life is the same. I thought how I feel for you, but you do sound strong. Just keep holding onto Jesus.
One thing that is different with my life is my husband. My husband says I am crazy. He says I need to see a mental health doctor, and has put me on hold as a wife until I am better. This is making me sick with having been married 19 years. He isn’t a Christian, but we have a 9 year old daughter. Please pray for me. Bel.
(CANADA) Pray for him every night and day that God will change his heart. Read God’s Word and fast and pray and you will see miracles. Do not listen to your husband’s rebukes about the faith and your character. He is the mouth piece of sin right now because he is not saved. But if you keep focusing on Christ your actions and prayers will prevail. There is a promise that a wife saved in a non-Christian marriage can save her husband: 1 Peter 3:1 “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives.” However, you must submit to God first if your husband ever asks you to do something immoral.
I married an abusive man. Everything everyone says about their abusive spouse is found in my spouse, including saying I was mentally disturbed and should check for Alzheimers. One day I gave him an ultimatum and said “say that one more time and see what I do.” That stopped him cold and I never heard that again. But other forms of abuse cropped up. The latest? He tells me “You are the best wife I ever had” (both of us are married for the first time). That belittles me as he is passing a message to me that he has had many other women in his life like a “wife”. I feel such disgust, having come from a loving home where my dad was so honorable. His dad was a mess. But my daughter said she does not care what situation he came from, if he is in Christ he must change, no excuses.
I have prayed for him continously and told him he cannot do ungodly things. I am not sure if I wish to tolerate anything anymore. Romans 1 says what is known about God has been made known to “all men and they are without excuse.” If God says they are without excuse, why must we, the victims, excuse them? Call a spade a spade. He is a tremendous burden to me and my children. My son asked why did I stay so long with him? In fact his bosses respect him as I too have a good reputation and they respect me. If I leave him, he suffers, not me.
When he said I am the best wife he had, I finally woke up as it was the second time he said it and I gave back as good as I got. I said yes, and you are the best husband I ever had.” He immediately replied “oh, who were the other husbands?” That means he knew what he was saying to me. I replied “the same as you.”
I sms him and blasted him. I told him exactly what he was –a wicked and cruel man. He said he was sorry. But it’s not true. He is just pure evil. I intend to leave.
I will be praying for all of us.
Jennifer, I too will pray for all of us! No man on this earth has the first clue what agony it is for a a woman to be cursed with a husband who is heartless. The man who wrote this article made some good points until he showed his ignorance by referring to abstaining from sex as a petty thing. It’s cruel and demeaning when a man expects to have sex on his wife who he treats like dirt. To lay there knowing that he thinks of you as nothing more than a soulless receptacle to be used for his momentary pleasure is a physically disgusting feeling that no woman should be urged to endure.
Twenty years of marriage to a man who appears to everyone to be a warrior for Jesus has taught me that he cares only for himself. Losing me a no threat to a man who thinks of me as less than zero. It can’t be that God allows this. Like all evil, a heartless man is nothing but a puppet for Satan. This behavior is not of God. I’m so sorry for every one of you ladies who suffer. God knows the truth. We are not alone. Susan from Texas
I looked at this and I thought, this is exactly how my life is….”I can’t continue living this way, and I know that God doesn’t want me to live this way. I’ve said that and tried to do everything I could. I’ve given God my marriage and things do get better but my husband always reverts back to his ways. I don’t know what to do anymore. I do feel alone, and unwanted.
I am constantly suspicious and doubting of him. He breaks just about every promise he ever makes (not exaggerating). He lies to me about stupid things. There is no trust, and he is disrespectful to me, but I haven’t ever tolerated it. I don’t know what else to do. I have been abandoned and neglected for so long that I don’t even know if I love him anymore, and I am stuck here. I don’t believe in divorce so I am stuck here.”
Sometimes, I wonder if I really am crazy and why I continue to hold on to a man who has no respect for me as a woman, wife and mother of his child…I need prayer… I feel like my life is so unhappy and I hate how I feel. Maybe I am not worth it… I doubt everything and I wonder why I deserve this. Even with prayers and giving it to God, I still cant hear the answer…I don’t even feel worthy anymore.
(USA) Hi Lynne, This article talks about drawing boundaries but to really get the full idea of what he’s talking about you have to read the book (either get it from the library or buy a copy). I bought it and read it. I don’t recommend it for anyone who is in an abusive marriage or who has poor self-esteem due to past emotional abuse because his language has a tendancy to put women down as though all the problems are their fault.
I think someone who has healthy self-respect would not read it that way at all, but as a victim of domestic violence myself, I read it and it sounded like the author bashing me over the head just as my husband does verbally and it did not make me feel well at all. So I only recommend it to women with healthy self-worth and self-respect (it takes a LONG time for victims of abuse to get that back).
However, reading your posts, you seem to have a pretty strong and healthy sense of self so I think you could receive the book as it is meant to be received. It will open your eyes and give you insights on communicating in a healthy way and setting up healthy boundaries.
It’s not talking about making the other person miserable but it is talking about handling situations with maturity and emotional health, and that is something that 90% plus of people I know don’t know how to do and don’t put into action in their everday lives. Most people are immature in most ways, particularly by acting out of anger or hurt and lashing back, and then they resort to pettiness and this book is showing how not to do that.
The other book I’d recommend reading is the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It sounds like you and your husband have the classic symptoms of "empty love tanks." Your needs aren’t getting met and neither are his but neither of you know what to do. I will say this – the longer this goes on, the more desperate things become and both people become forlorn and become hopeless. This book tells you how to turn that around and it’s really good! It’s good for other relationships, too, besides just your spouse.
There are SOOO many Christian resources out there that Christ has pointed me to and I’ve done TONS of reading in the last few months or so (more than that really), along with my daily reading of the Bible and I highly recommend reading these books to give you different ideas of how to interact in the relationship that is the closest one you’ll ever have and to broaden your horizons. You don’t want to throw in the towel without really trying a lot of different things, including reading really solid Christian resource books.
Most of us are NOT taught healthy communication skills and are not given healthy emotional foundations and so it’s something we have to learn when we get older, assuming we are humble enough to admit we need help and wise enough to seek the Lord’s will on obtaining it.
The book of Proverbs has much to say about wisdom:
Proverbs 1:7
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction.
Proverbs 2:2
so that thou incline thine ear unto wisdom and apply thine heart to understanding;
Proverbs 4:5
Get wisdom, get understanding; forget it not, neither decline from the words of my mouth.
Proverbs 4:7
Wisdom is the principal thing, therefore get wisdom; and with all thy getting, get understanding.
The one other thing I will say that I’ve noticed is that people who were in serious marriage trouble, those that were able to turn it around were usually able to do so by a LOT of hard work and they still say that there are "seasons" in a marriage; some dry seasons that have to be weathered.
I highly recommend those 2 books to you. God bless and you’re in my prayers! LT
(USA) We just fought, I cried, I logged on, found this site, and read the post. I’ve reserved the book from the library, hope I get it soon… They just don’t care if they hurt us, do they? We are only 3 years into our marriage, I need to know what to do!
(AUSTRALIA) I tried to do what was advised here, but he still didn’t change his ways, although he did panic about losing the marriage. I think sometimes it is not just a matter of wanting to change, but being able to change. My husband doesn’t want to lose the marriage and can’t understand why he is about to. He resents having to lose his wife, but he also resents having to admit that he is incredibly hurtful. He denies that he is vicious and blames it on everyone else.
In fact, I noticed this trend at the beginning of our relationship and when I confronted him about it, he would blame it on other things. And if I continued to press him, he would leave and justify it. Then he would get others to agree with him and I got pushed into silence, not just by him but by other Christians and ministers as well. Now I am reaping the result of not really attacking the root of the issue which he denied and convinced me didn’t exist.
This article says that one can threaten to leave and actually take action if it warrants it. But then what? He has tried counseling and praying, but he is still stuck in his old ways. If the man you are trying to teach how to behave is incapable of changing, then all you may end up with is a broken marriage.
(USA) Thank you for the article. We’ve been married for 32 years, all have not been good, but I have put up with a lot. Divorce has been talked about, but I know that’s not God’s plan. I will let my husband read this article and see how it effects him. Hopefully we can sit down and talk about some issues that have been going on for a while. Again, Thank you.
(THAILAND) Hi everyone, I know this article is old but I hope someone manages to get this question and respond. Here is the question: What do you do when your spouse does not pay much attention to whether you communicate in your marriage or not. I have been having this situation bugging me for the longest time.
Due to work circumstances, I live away from my husband and I get to see him after three weeks or four. During this time I would communicate with him by phone or emails. He is always ok about receiving a call from me. Sometimes, I would ask him to ring me back and he would gladly do so. But what I can never understand in the life of me is why he would not think of just phoning me just to check on me. So, being tired of this behavior, sometimes, I would just keep quiet and not contact him and trust me that would be the end of it until I decide to contact him again.
This has caused a huge conflict within my spirit because sometimes I would not even look forward to seeing him again because I would feel like he does not for me. I don’t know, may be I am crazy or too demanding to expect my husband to reciprocate my initiatives to keep in touch with him. Sometimes I wonder if I am bothered by this behavior because I am not able to love him unconditionally. I have tried several times to talk to him about it and told him how it is not good for our marriage. I never seem to get anywhere with it because he is the kind of person who likes to shove things under the carpet and pretend like they are not do not matter.
For me personally, this is not just about him not calling me or wanting to pull the strings, at least I hope. This is a just a manifestation of what is happening in our communication life in general because if we were able to communicate successfully, I should not be writing this note, trying to seek counsel on the issue. Because, we struggle so much in that area, most of our (could be small) issues are magnified. I am so tired of trying to keep things together. I realized that at some point, I did the communicating or calling because I was afraid of losing what I wanted from it, closeness and all that goes with it (call me selfish).
Perhaps, you could say, I have enabled him to neglect his duty because I was forever willing to play that part. Now, I have gotten to a point where I am too tired, I decided, enough is enough, so I called it quits, no more phoning him at all and it has been about a month now and he has never asked me anything about it. When I go back to see him we just talk about other things and do not even mention the fact that we have not been communicating for a month.
Now dear people, help me out. What do you do in this situation? I know I have already taken my stand which I am not sure where it will lead me but either way for me there is no winning. I was wondering then if the article above was referring to situations as these where it suggests that, creating an environment that is uncomfortable to your spouse, so that they could be motivated to change.
Right now, I am hopeful that he will come around. The decision of not contacting him for me, is just to give him an opportunity to look at the situation and see if he likes the picture. It’s more like saying to myself, OK then, let’s just operate the way you want and see if you like the consequences.
At first, I was not too happy about this decision but now I am believing it to be the right way forward but you can never be too sure, can you? Am I playing with fire? Anyone, please share some thoughts?
(THAILAND) To Francis: I had to respond because 1) I,too, am in Thailand, and 2) I, too, have communication issues with my husband. It sounds like you really need to have a sit down, heart-to-heart talk with your husband to find out what’s going on with his thinking.
Does he really, truly, feel that it is okay not to talk to his wife for a full month? Does he not worry about how you are doing? Does he think about you or miss you when you are gone? Asking him in person and seeing his responses/body language will help you gauge how he is feeling. A shrug, no eye contact, and body language that is withdrawn are not the best signs.
My first thoughts after reading your post were, I was wondering if he is really okay with you being out of town for 3-4 weeks at a time? Maybe he is feeling neglected and being passive-agressive and subconsiously doesn’t like you gone for such a long time. Maybe he doesn’t realize his resentment is communicated as nonchalance?
Or, and I apologize for mentioning this, it could be that he really is feeling noncommital and is delving into other ‘situations’ since you are not available. I’m not saying that that is an excuse, or okay, or anything. I’m offering possible reasons as to why he is not responding as he should as a loving, caring, considerate husband.
First off, I would take a hard look at your work life and see if you can change things around so you are with your husband 3-4 weeks and gone only 1 week. Choose your husband over your work. If your marriage is in trouble because of this communication issue (and/or others), take time off and work on the two of you. It depends how heavily you weigh your relationship vs. work, but it seems like a reshift is needed. Him not even raising an eyebrow if you haven’t called him in a month is really not a good sign. I would recommend trying to get him back emotionally, and you should start by being physically present for the majority of the time. Hope that helps.
(INDIA) Hi Francis, This looks very old post but I could relate with it. My husband does not call me frequently even if we are away. He does all things normally as a good husband should be doing, but never shows that he ever remembers me or thinks that sometimes I may need him, without reasons. We are staying together but it still feels like we are apart. Did you find a solution to your problem over these years?
(USA) I am a Pastor of over 20 years and a husband of 23 years. My wife has had a real problem with anger and anxiety for the past 15 years or so. She has tore so many wounds in my heart with hateful words and outbursts and cursing over the most ridiculous things. I do what the Bible says. I forgive 70 times seven.
She knows she has a problem. She eventually apologizes, but when the climate is right she turns to Mr. Hyde and tears my world to pieces all over again. For years she would say “When this or that is different, my life will calm down.” All those things happen and she does not change. I ask for counseling, she makes excuses to delay it.
I am tired of having to be in a constant state of healing from her wounds. If romantic love were like blood in a marriage, our love has bled out a thousand times. I patch up the wounds and my spleen resupplies the blood. But this year I feel like the spleen is wearing out. It’s taking me longer and longer to get the good feelings back.
For the first time in my life I am starting to imagine life without her. I hate that. I have seen God perform so many miracles in my lifetime… yet if marriage is so darn important to him, then why is he not giving me more help? I have been recently telling my wife what I have secretly been thinking. When she lays into me I say, “You and I are going to need to go get counseling or you’re going to be alone in 5 years.” That shuts her up.
Why is it that some people won’t change until they fear losing everything? I have decided to start Christian counseling on my own if she won’t go. It’s so ironic. I have preached on marriage and have been a blessing to many people down through the years by helping them build better relationships, yet here I am. I treat my wife good. She tells people how good I am to her and how romantic I am. Everyone thinks she is the sweetest person on earth, but I and my two college age kids know the other person that people don’t get to see.
Mark, I’m so sorry you feel hopeless. And I believe the fact you found this web site is one of God’s ways of answering your prayer for Him to give you more help. We can’t “fix” the problems; only God can do that. But He can use different people and circumstances to get your wife to the point where she comes to the end of herself and starts “listening” to you, and more importantly, to God.
Cindy and I think it would help you if you got a copy of Dr. James Dobson’s, Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis
. You can read the description of it in the “Save My Marriage” topic, within the Resource Descriptions. This book can give you practical (though tough) principles to use in your situation, Mark.
Please know that sadly, it’s not out of the ordinary that you are a pastor who has helped many, and yet you find yourself now needing help. Recognize that as someone who is a leader –particularly in the church, you have a bulls-eye on your life, put there by the enemy of our faith. Your marriage problems entertains the enemy and gives great hope that even more will go down with you. But that doesn’t mean that your marriage has to fall, just because you’re being targeted. It just means that you have to recognize the danger and rely upon God all the more, to fight this onslaught.
We believe you’re right in recognizing that you need to get help in this. This is not the type of situation where you can just sit back and ride this one out. When disrespect and contempt come into the marriage, it chips away at any life it has in it. Your wife needs help for herself as much as for your marriage. Obviously, left to her own ability to do this, it won’t happen. Prayerfully, she will eventually participate in the process. It sometimes, can almost be like a drug addict who desperately needs help, but they can’t seem to get it left to their own devices.
If you don’t somehow draw a line in the sand, MAKING this happen, I’m afraid that in “5 years” you won’t have anything in you to continue on in your marriage commitment. NOW is the time to put things into place to draw that line, and I/we believe, the “Love Must Be Tough” book can help get you to that critical place and time.
Please don’t draw the line during a time when you’re angry or she is… you need wise help with planning this, almost like a type of intervention, except without family gathering around. And you need to approach this with meekness. Notice, I didn’t say “weakness” but meekness, which is strength under control. Jesus said that those who are meek, “inherit the earth.” If you haven’t done a Bible study on it, you may find it helpful.
You’re also wise to find a counselor, if for no other reason than to help YOU to figure out how to do this and how to continue. What’s critical is that you find the “right” counselor. It has been our experience that just because someone says they’re a “Christian” counselor doesn’t mean they’re good at counseling marriages, to help bring them to restoration. We’ve witnessed too many marriages torn apart AFTER people go to a counselor. The counselor may have been good in counseling in other areas, but their approaches to marriage matters actually tore the couples apart, rather than helped them.
You need the right type of “Marriage friendly” counselor — especially with you being in the pastorate. We have several articles posted on our web site in the “Marriage Counseling” topic that can help you to know what I mean by “marriage friendly” and also what to look for in finding the right kind of counselor. We’re all for marriage counseling, but it needs to be the right kind, to best help you, in this difficult situation in your marriage.
We also urge you to go to http://www.parsonage.org, a web site by Focus On The Family that is dedicated to helping pastors and their spouses. They have a number of resources available there that can help you and could be good in finding this type of counselor for you (but you may want to first, prayerfully read the book and read the articles so you can approach the help they can give with more wisdom). In particular, check out “Pastors in Crisis” and “Dysfunctional Marriage.” These are recorded sessions with several counselors. They also have a “Pastor Help Line” at 877-233-4455 where you can call between 9:00AM & 4:00PM (MT) and talk with pastoral counselors.
I also want to share something I read today in a devotional I have from A-W Tozer (and I paraphrase): He was talking about John 14:27 when Jesus said, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled.” Then Tozer commented on the fact that the kind of “peace” we get from the world is based on circumstances. If we seek peace from the world’s ways, it will have to come only when circumstances change to what we want. Jesus’ peace on the other hand comes to us no matter what our circumstances are. But it requires us to trust Him completely, even in the worst of situations (like yours).
I hope you’ll keep leaning into Jesus, Mark, and not give up. Let Jesus take your pain and turn it into peace. I don’t know how He’ll do it, but I KNOW He can do it. Keep us posted on this Blog. –Steve Wright, Marriage Missions International
(USA) Mark, what you describe is a Borderline Personality Disorder. Of course I don’t know everything, but your wife fits the profile perfectly. Get the book, “Walking on Eggshells”. It is written by a man that went through what you are going through with his wife. You are being damaged right now by your wife. Pray hard and ask God to give you strength.
(USA) Brother Mark, Reading your comment made me feel as if I was hearing myself. The only thing is I am a woman. My husband has anxiety and it has taken a complete toll on our marriage. He has outbursts of anger and he belittles me in almost every way as his wife and as a woman. I also treat my husband good, with respect and love…
I feel really hurt but I’ve been constantly taking it to God and asking Him for help, like you said, it’s like I am in a constant state of healing from his wounds. I have tried to put up a gentle wall to block the hurt from his words and actions, but I end up more miserable than before because I find myself also putting up a wall with my love towards him and it scares me. It’s a vicious cycle, he knows he is wrong too, but he eventually tears me apart again. I don’t want to lose my love for him and I don’t believe in divorce as God’s plan for our marriage…
We are both going for ministry in our church, and like you said, everyone believes he is such a charming, loving and playful man; but only I know the other side at home. I am really tired of it. The only one who knows in details about this is our Co-Pastor, and my husband has now cut him off because he believes he can change and get out of anxiety on his own with God, but things have only gotten worse…
I am afraid to walk away because I keep thinking that maybe this is God’s way of allowing me to be molded and love unconditionally as He loved the church, but at the same time I also don’t know if this is the kind of marriage God intended for us… I have only been married for a little over a year. He was not like this when we were courting, it wasn’t until I lived with him after marriage that he started to show this other side of him… Is his anxiety really the one to blame? Or is it his will to change?
(USA) On another note, I have given a lot of thought to the environment modern marriages exist in. There is so little accountability for the behavior of spouses because the nuclear family is gone. We are isolated and the privacy of our home becomes an environment where the worst behavior goes unrebuked.
In the old days if a spouse was out of line, family members would set them straight and shame them for bad behavior. A mother might tell her daughter, “You have a good man and you have no business talking to him like that!” or if a man was mean to his wife, her brothers could pay him a visit and set him straight without the fear of the law getting involved. Do you see how the inhibitors of sinful relational behavior are fading from our modern life?
Marriages need intervention when one person begins behaving badly. Many people cannot afford professional counselors. The family should be there to correct ungodly behavior and that should be a backstop to keep marriages functioning in proper parameters.
(US) It was soooo encouraging to read the comments. For the first time in 28 years, I don’t feel alone. There are actually other people who understand what I have been going through. This is hard to write without crying. But I have carried such a heavy burden. I gave up my career that I loved because I felt God wanted me to be fully committed to my family. We now have 8 children -ages 28 to 5.
My husband is a VERY DIFFICULT person to live with. He is hot or cold, up or down -nothing in between. I go through periods of lonliness when he shuts me out, wondering what I did wrong (and fearing), then hoping he doesn’t “explode” when he finally lets it all out. Then there are the times when I think “it’s going to be okay. Maybe we will be a happy family afterall.” I try so hard to take care of everyone -along with our business with him. But he’s so critical of everything what I cook, where I go, what the kid are doing. I get to where I don’t want to talk about ANYTHING controversial. I just can’t handle the fighting. I’m tired.
I have secretly cried inside while in church with my children for years without him. He thinks if he goes now and then, since he is busy working that’s good enough. Not for me! It’s a sin to miss mass, whether he believes it or not! I have given him over to God. I just don’t know how much longer I can watch my life waste away. God bless you all -thank you!
(U.S.) You say the things you say without any regard to the fact that the problem may be the female in the relationship. What can you do when you are a man who has a wife who does not want to give up her selfish ways? I come from a VERY broken home. Both my mother and father have been married several times. I do not want something like this for my son. My wife seems to think that the things that bother her (however trivial they may be) are more important than making our life a loving and caring place for our son to grow up in. I need help to make her realize her outlook on life may very well be tearing our family apart.
(USA) The postings that I have read are old; but if someone can, please help me. We’ve been married 35yrs, 1st and only. Husband comes from a “wild” mom, dad is okay.
We were madly in love w/ one another. I was raised in a Catholic, loving family. My husband, with no religion is a very hyper, active hard worker, has always provided for our two children, now married. He (Dave) has always taken the lead his way or no way; he’s self-employed, with no employees. I worked with him in the office while he was out doing the work. The children, house, laundry sometimes till 3 am, errands etc. I did. I could not get back fast enough from the bank w/o Dave complaining.
After 8yrs I took my first trip with mom and sis and took along our 3 yr old at the time. Dave complained about the ticket being 20.00 more, which my sis paid. My weight was 110 lbs. He would call me a pig in front of my friends and family if he felt there was too much on my plate. “Are you going to eat all that?” He would yell across the way “you stupid s.o.b.” because I was planting flowers where he thought they would not grow (but they did).
I could go on and on and worse!! But, I was taught that “silence is the best thing for ignorance.” He complained over an empty glass of tea my friend left on the counter before she said good bye. He would say “what have you done all day?” The house could not be any more spotless. Okay, after 25 yrs we moved out of state, away from ALL family. Our children are now married and they saw what he did to me verbally, and mentally. I am at fault for letting him treat me this way. The 15 yrs of being away from family does not stop him; he started again. Yes I have gained weight, tension? “Are you going to eat ALL that”, “You ate more than I did.”
He is home on weekends now so he takes us to get a breakfast sandwich,” yours was $2.00 more than mine”, (yes we have money) or “I’m not that hungry, I’m just have a little hamburger.” That’s a hint for me to order somthing smaller. I never order before him because I don’t want a complaint.
By the way I told Dave this some 20 yrs ago and made him tear up. 15 yrs later I still have it in my guts. Once in a while he will say order what you want… but I don’t know when the attack will commense again. We were out of state visiting mom and he called me “lazy” in front of mom because I did not finish drying some clothing. We were too busy catching up talking. He does this for attention …I rule around here… I own her… I’m in control???
Ok O’ll finish up; Just today… our house is spotless, I was sitting on the sofa talking to my mom; Dave comes into the house to wash his hands not knowing who I was talking to; could have been our grandchildren. He blurts out “get off the phone.” We didn’t have plans, places to go or anything to do. My stomach cringed; it brought back memories. He has apologized one time in 35 yrs. Before he left 2 hrs early, I asked him why he demanded I get off the phone. He could not give me an answer. He never has given me an explanation. It’s shut up and take it. NO!! I cannot dish it back. To the phone incident he said “ever since we have been going to your mom’s.”
Please explain, what does talking on the phone have to do with my 88yr old mom? Nothing bad was said. In fact, there never is. I was listening to mom and not saying a word when Dave came in. If I calmly have a discussion with him he’ll say what, do you want a divorce??? Now Dave says he believes in GOD almighty; he knows right from wrong. He carries the blessed Mother in his truck. He always says that God has been good to him/us. WHY? WHY? -Ann
(USA) Ann, Like the above article states… “Men don’t normally change if what they’ve been doing seems to be working for them. When a woman allows her husband to treat her with disrespect, he has no motivation to change — and so it’s unlikely he ever will.” ALSO “Melody notes, “There’s a simple question I ask wounded women who seek help to endure belittling or degrading treatment from their man: ‘Why does your husband treat you badly?’ Answer: because he can.” This is not, in any way, to blame a woman for the abuse but to develop a new blueprint for a different future.”
I would suggest that you get the book that the article came from and read it. Also the Love Must Be Tough
book for marriages by James Dobson.
I hear the pain in your heart and I will pray for you. Just remember that life on this earth comes with many sufferings and if Jesus is your savior… keep your eyes on Him and the hope of glory and you will have many rewards waiting for you in heaven. Keep reading the Word of God for He is your strength to endure when you are persecuted unjustly. And remember to return blessing for cursing. ~Raelynn
(PHILIPPINES) I am a government official, 54 years old. I’m very impressed with this website. I’ve searched so many websites about infidelity and cheating issues since November 2008, the start of my very devastating life. This was when my husband committed infidelity to our 30 year marriage. Prior to this year, I felt like I was in a cage of being with a very possessive and zealous husband. I’ve sacrificed for the sake of my little two kids.
In 2008 our kids were all finished in college and are living on their own far from us -the start of a nightmare. I was caught unaware because he is a shy guy… but due to prayers everything done in the dark are now open in the light. I’ve discovered his infidelity followed by denials, and violence. Since that year we still live under one roof but things are different. I was a victim of emotional violence, distance and just being there to show people we are together. But actually, we live like boarders. Slowly I accepted the fact, and I’ve learned to pray a daily rosary… sometimes wake up at midnight as I felt terrible pain in my chest. I sensed as if nothing happened to our marriage.
I again sacrificed a lot though. We are always in fights with each other as the past always rekindles in my mind and I can’t avoid opening up as there was no real and sincere forgiveness being asked. He is very violent when I can recall and ask many things about his other woman. He doesn’t like me to always ask him about the past, but I cannot avoid it because my heart is very pained. I was not satisfied with his answers and there has been no good dialogue since.
Daily, my emotions were tortured and my strength was only God and Mama Mary. Even my children don’t believe me as they did not witness how cruel he was to me… verbally, emotionally and physically. He’s a great liar… and violent. He was a church lay minister prior to 2008, the reason I was blind because of full trust before. Another woman came along the way after November 2008, but I believed they were flings… until April this year. I’ve discovered other lies, not a woman at first; other family issues, that stabbed me in the back. I’ve discovered he committed lies again to me.
Now I’ve realized that a liar will play in everything and every issue, not only womanizing but almost all… I was hurt and days passed by. I received text messages positively from women again… I hired someone to monitor and I’ve also seen him but he denies it that they were just friends… it muddled our rocky relationship. For the second time I cried, yelled, can’t sleep, cannot eat, it affected my work until I vomit blood because of stress and depression. My doctor advised me to stay calm.
Then… I found out that he cannot change. I sensed he was happy seeing me in pain, lying, etc. I sensed he would be happy if I would die in pain. Because I cannot change him to just be honest with me and value my feelings… I’ve decided to step down from our house and live at the house of my late mom, far from our home. I’ve hated our house since 2008 because I learned he brought his woman there when I was at the office.
My life is less stressed in the house of my late mom. I’m doing cleaning activities in our farm to unwind… during weekends. During office hours I’m renting a space near my workplace. Now, he keep on seeing me during week ends and i hate him… He also slept in my house with the sons of my nephew who are living with me…
At first, my mind just allowed him to go there but days and months have passed. I hate to see him and I frankly told him to stop going to my small house. He got angry… he said that he will commit suicide… and he also told me that we will meet in the hell. I kept my poise calm when I heard this, but deep in me I was terrified of this person who became a lay minister before and could say words like this. I also noticed that he did not go to church anymore.
I have not stepped back in our house since June. I went there last June to get my plastic cabinet. We had heated arguments until he twisted my arms in our metal gate. That pushed me to report to the PNP and I have a medical certificate.
That was the last time I saw our conjugal home. I’ve hated that house since 2008 as I learned that he brought along his woman there. Every 3:00 a.m. I wake up and raise hands to God for His direction in my life. I’ve prayed that my heart will be as hard as a stone for him, that God will take him away from my heart and my mind. I’m frank to say that it’s very painful and not easy to live alone… but I’ve survived slowly through prayers… My prayers for now is to find a place away from this place… away from him. Can you share some thoughts? Is my decision fine with stepping down from our home? Thank you.
(US) Connie – You did the right thing. I will say a rosary for you tonight!
(USA) I love my husband. We have known each other since the age of 5 years old. We started dating at age 15 years old and have been married almost 6 years now. This article describes him but the blame is me also. If I am hurt by what he does I lash out at him or when I have had enough I don’t say anything because I don’t want to speak out in anger. I was a partying teen with him but grew up after we became serious and thought he would follow me after all these years and our four children. We are so different. I keep waiting for him to catch up but it’s killing me in the meanwhile.
If that’s not bad enough it affects the family as a whole. I try to do as much as I can to make a fairy tale life for my kids but end up angry and depressed and yelling a lot myself. Drinking plays a huge problem. I quit drinking before I became pregnant and he doesn’t care to stop. He just tells me that I used to drink and if I didn’t like the way he was why would I marry him. I usually tell him that I figured he would grow up to. I don’t like waiting games or games of chance. What do I do? I love and want to stand by him but how long is too long?