Marriage Missions Editor Note: This article is written to wives. However, most of it could also have been written to husbands. We encourage you to glean through it and learn what will apply in your marriage concerning functional fixedness:
Dr. Melody Rhode often uses a psycho-neurological term to describe a man’s reluctance to change: FUNCTIONAL FIXEDNESS. Men don’t normally change if what they’ve been doing seems to be working for them. When a woman allows her husband to treat her with disrespect, he has no motivation to change. So it’s unlikely he ever will.
Different Blueprint Needed
Melody notes:
“There’s a simple question I ask wounded women who seek help to endure belittling or degrading treatment from their man. ‘Why does your husband treat you badly?’ Answer: It’s because he can.”
This is not, in any way, to blame a woman for the abuse. Instead, it is to develop a new blueprint for a different future. Melody continues:
“If what he’s doing is working for him, why change? He needs a compelling reason to change; and it needs to be more compelling than your unhappiness or private misery with the situation.”
Motivated to Change from Functional Fixedness?
I would think that a God-fearing man would be motivated to change simply by understanding that his actions hurt you. But I’m also a realist. Some of you may be married to a man who doesn’t much care if his actions hurt you. He cares that he is able to get what he wants. In such cases, allowing the behavior to continue while complaining about it won’t change anything. It’s not your pain that motivates him; it’s his pain. You have to be willing to create an environment in which the status quo becomes more painful than the experience of positive change.
Here’s the trap I’ve seen too many women fall into: a woman keeps expressing to her husband how he is doing something (or not doing something) that is hurting her. Even after several such conversations, he doesn’t change. Or perhaps he’ll change for a few days and then go back to his old habits, at which point the wife complains again.
No Lasting Change Concerning Functional Fixedness
Still, no long-term change. The wife reads a book or attends a seminar. And then she decides she needs to find a better way to communicate so she can get her message across. But even after this, there’s no permanent change. Her error is assuming that she’s not getting through. In point of fact, she is getting through to her husband. He may fully understand and be completely aware of her pain; but he’s not motivated by her pain. If he likes the marriage as it is, he’ll put up with an occasionally disagreeable conversation now and then.
In such cases, spouses need to make a serious evaluation. There was a point in “Jenny’s” marriage when she realized, based on her and her husband’s parents’ health history, that she and “Mike” could be married for sixty years. At the time, Jenny had been married for just fifteen years. That left, potentially, another forty-five years of being together. It also meant another forty-give years of a situation that Jenny wasn’t sure she could live with.
Unwanted Divorce
“There is no scenario in my life plan in which I want divorce —none,” Jenny told me.
“At the end of my life, my fervent hope and determination is to be, unreservedly, a one-man woman. But I also know enough not to overestimate my patience. I could put up with some disappointments. But was I willing to live with this for another forty-five years? At that point, I felt I needed to be more honest about some struggles and more up-front about making a change. It created some discomfort for a season as I stopped pretending that everything was OK. But was a season of discomfort worth changing the course of our marriage for the next forty-years? Without question!”
Without nagging and without pretty recriminations (withholding sex, the silent treatment, a critical spirit, and so forth), Jenny gently but forcefully made her husband see that as long as he acted the way he did, their marriage was going to suffer in specific ways. These ways affected him. It was only when Mike started feeling his own pain that he was shaken out of his functional fixedness enough to change his behavior.
Don’t Over-estimate or Pretend
I believe Jenny makes an important point. Be wary of over-estimating your willingness to live with a glaring hurt or a gaping need. Don’t pretend that Satan won’t exploit it or that you won’t be tempted by another man who happens to be strongest exactly where your husband is weakest. If, like Jenny, your ideal life plan leaves no room for divorce, you must honestly accept your weaknesses. You must be willing to create a climate in which your spouse will be motivated by his pain. This is a courageous and healthy movement toward your spouse and toward preserving and strengthening your marriage. It is an act of commitment, not rebellion.
All this requires a very specific application based on your spouse’s personality. I can’t give you “five steps to overcome functional fixedness” here; but you’ll receive plenty of ideas and suggestions as we touch on various topics throughout this book. [This is a good reason to obtain this book.] At this point, it’s enough to say that if merely communicating your hurt isn’t solving the problem, you’re most likely dealing with a case of functional fixedness. You’ll also need to be strong to address that issue.
The Trap of Functional Fixedness
Some women fall into the trap of failing to speak up for fear of losing their man; they don’t want to “rock the boat,” even though it appears that the boat is headed toward a waterfall. But this passive acceptance makes it more likely that the husband will stray; he won’t respect his wife for putting up with his poor behavior, and this attitude will only reinforce his disrespectful behavior. Sadly, many women think their husband’s anger is the great enemy of their security; but, if fact, weakness and the corresponding relational boredom pose a far more potent threat.
If you can stand strong and secure in your identity and in your relationship with Christ, courageously making it clear how you will and will not be treated, you will be amazed to see how to respect and show for yourself rubs off on your husband.
This Fixedness Must Change
Here’s the male insider’s view, right at the start: you have more influence over your husband than you realize. When you are a woman of respect, the last thing your husband wants is to lose you. If he thinks he can have you and his aberrant behavior, he’ll take both. But if the day comes when he knows you won’t simply turn a blind eye to what he’s doing, when he thinks he might even lose you if he continues down the path he’s walking, he’s going to be shaken out of his functional fixedness. And then he may consider making changes.
…Dr Melody Rhode sees the threat of a husband’s losing his wife as perhaps the greatest possible motivator for a husband. Of course, we have to place this within the context of a covenantal, committed marriage. The Bible is very specific and very limiting regarding what constitutes an acceptable divorce. Discontentment, seeming incompatibility, and mere displeasure don’t qualify! Melody points out, “A woman’s power needs to be surrendered to God and used for his purposes, not our own.”
You DO Have Power
She also stresses, however, that most women, because of our culture, don’t realize the power they have to move their husbands. “They feel powerless because of their sex,” she observes, “and this has resulted in a lot of pent-up anger, frustration, and even desperation.” As your brother in Christ, I’m encouraging you to be bold, courageous, and strong. Use the natural and very spiritual influence and role that God has designed for you to move the man in your life.
…Our culture in general—even Christian culture—is on a long slide toward passivity. It completely goes against who God made us to be.
Wishing Won’t Change Functional Fixedness
Let me be blunt: hope is not a strategy. Merely “wishing” that your husband would change, merely “wanting” your marriage to be different, won’t do anything. The problem is that some Christians spiritualize wishing —we call it “praying.” Please understand, I’m not knocking prayer; I’m challenging a misconception about prayer, namely, that we can merely voice our displeasure and expect our world and our relationships to be transformed. True biblical prayer is about much, much more than that. It involves receiving our marching orders and then acting on them.
A good marriage doesn’t happen by accident, and a good marriage isn’t maintained by accident. I’ve never written a book by accident, and you can’t build a business by accident. These endeavors require deliberate choices and much perseverance. When you start acting instead of merely wishing, when you begin taking initiative instead of simply feeling sorry for yourself, you become an active woman, and active women mirror the active God who made them.
Active God, Active Women
Genesis 1 provides our initial glimpse of who God is. The first thing God wants us to know is that he is an extraordinarily active God. In Genesis 1 there are thirty-eight active verbs describing what God does: he creates, he speaks, he separates, he calls, he blesses, he gives, and much more —all in just one chapter.
Then—and this is the key—he tells the woman and the man to do the same: “God blessed them [male and female] and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground’” (Genesis 1:28).
God made you, as a human being, to rule in this world, to subdue it, to act according to his image. Sin begins with sluggishness, despair, and despondency. People give up on their marriages, on prayer, their churches, their kids, and eventually even give up on themselves. They say, “It’s no use.” They start to sulk instead of painstakingly remaking their marriage —simply because their first (or even tenth) attempt failed.
Deliberate Choices
This may sound like a hard word; but readers of my previous books know I’m not one to shy away from that. Your marriage is what you make it. The relationship you have is the direct result of what you’ve put into it. And in many cases, a marriage can rise only to the level of your courage. Initial romantic intensity is unearned; it seems to fall on us out of nowhere. But marriage has to be built stone by stone. We have to make deliberate choices; we have to be active and confront the weaknesses we see in ourselves and in each other.
This article comes from the GREAT book, Sacred Influence: How God Uses Wives to Shape the Souls of Their Husbands
— ALSO —
Below are some links to additional articles. We suggest you glean through them to see if you can find more information to help you in your marriage. If the article is written to wives and you are a husband looking for answers, or the reverse is true, please read the article anyway. Look to see if you can adapt the info given to help you concerning functional fixedness in marriage.
• HOW TO RESPOND WHEN A SPOUSE WILL NOT MEET EXPECTATIONS
Filed under: Communication and Conflict Save My Marriage
(USA) I have been married for 25 years to my second husband. My first husband was very physically abusive for the 10 years we were married. I commited adultery with my current husband and actually thought God had sent my second husband to me because of the abuse. Since my spiritual walk with God that started this year (2011), I recently asked God for forgiveness for my adultery because now I know by reading God’s word that he does not reward sin, nor cause you to sin! Praise God!
For 25 years my current husband has been accussing me (each time we are in a agurement) of cheating on him because I went back to my husband during my adultery years… a few times. Because of the early abuse I have become very passive, even when my husband calls me the vilest of names.
In 2009 I accidently discovered my husband was having an affair with an ex co-worker of his. I have since learned that the affair started years ago while they were co-workers. While he did not confess right away, when he did, he told me he had taken an AIDS test and I need to take one too. Thanks God it was negative. I forgave him because I once committed adultery. I thought all was fine.
In January I discovered not only were they back together, but had been back together the entire year of 2010. I went and took another AIDS test (negative). Call me a fool!! My trust were shattered but he came crawling back the next day after I put him out the house. I took him back…again.
August 2011, I caught him in the act of speaking with this woman because he had two cell phones. He tried to deny it but he could not spin how he had his regular cellphone in his pocket and holding the second cellphone in his hand. He confessed. He admitted to me that he loves this woman!! I took him back!
October 2011 he and I went on a cruise and he told me the cruise would be a second honeymoon for us. Imagine my suprised when the cellphone company contacted him (November 2011) via text message (he let me read it) to inform him of the bill being $650.00 from the week of the cruise. He explained that it was roaming charges.
I asked him to pull up the bill in the internet so I could see what the charges were (I do not have access to the phone bill). He went crazy… ranting that he does not have to prove anything to me. I told him this marriage was OVER! I asked him to leave but he will not. He is not hiding the fact that he is still seeing her as I am writing. I asked him if he loves her, why is he not living with her since she is single and committed to no one. It is diffucult living in a house where your spouse is seeing another woman!
Now let me tell you the power of God! The Holy Spirit revealed to me after the second time that my husband was still cheating on me. But he told me to wait on him to reveal it. I did not. I did things my way by trying to spy. Nothing happened. The Holy Spirit revealed to me that my husband had another cellphone. However, this time I stepped out of the way and allowed the way for God to work… and he did!! I thought I was stuck in this marriage because now that I am walking with God, I want to do what is Christ-like. Praise God… I was in his word when he revealed to me that he does allow a provision (adultery) for divorce.
God has revealed to me that I cannot change my husband. He has to open the door to his heart, as I did, and allow God in. My husband is a lost soul and I pray for him daily for God to convict his heart, but also let his will be done. I am in the process of getting a divorce and a heavy burden has been lifted off of me. Keep me in your prayers. Thank you God for coming into my life!!!
(USA) I came across this article because I am seeking for some answers. This article describes my situation by the t! I’ve been married for almost six years and we are at the point of separating. He is a good person, but he also has his flaws. Lying is one issue. He lies about our finances and truly feels he does not have to let me know what he spends. I am very good with money and how to manage and he is not.
When I question him on what what he spend and why he felt he had to charge it, knowing that we both had agreed we would no longer charge, he answers with, ‘I’ll pay it back when we get paid.’ But he doesn’t. He then gets very defensive and accuses me of being controlling. Is this ok?
I recently found something out that really made me want to quit our marriage. To make a long story short, he had pulled ten grand from his retirement to put up for a down payment on a house in a couple of months, but I figured out now there is only seven grand. This not being our first argument about money. He tells me he doesn’t have to explain anything to me. I alwys threaten to leave him, and because it’s a threat and have never followed through with it, he says to me, why does he need to explain? I’m going to leave anyway.
He has admitted to me he does have a problem and that he is very stubborn and selfish and that he wants to change, but it only lasts a while and then goes back to his ways. I don’t want to live like this anymore. It’s emotionally draining. To make matters worse, we have a two year old and since then, he no longer treats me the way he used to before her.
Granted, I know things change after a baby, but he has admitted to me that our daughter is his world and all his time is for her and he doesn’t give me time, because I will always be there. When I do complain about him not taking me out like he use to, he tells me that all of that requires money. But now I question, if we don’t have money, where did he spend almost three thousand?
I am in a bad place right now and we both have been talking about the process of splitting up. He talks about it, but I don’t think he believes it will happen. I am now at my breaking point. Just like the article says, why would he change if he could have his pie and eat it too? I told him I would help him pack and he said it was fine. We have been talking calmly and communicating.
But today, I bought some bins and actually packed all his close and re-arranged things. When he got home today, he brought dinner and we talked normally. We talked about our day, but had not told him what I did. When he got up to go shower, I broke it to him. You could see the shock in his face. I know he did not see it coming. He got in the shower and I went to the room and found a typed letter on the dresser.
He had typed up a letter to me telling me how he hates the person he has become and that he doesn’t want to hurt me and that he’s selfish and that he wants to change. Stuff I have heard before. I folded it up the way it was and went back to the living room, so he doesn’t know that I read it. I think he felt that we were acting cordially with one another, that things were looking up, but that wasn’t the case for me.
I am accepting my reality and have told myself that I do not want to live like this for the rest of my life. He has not mentioned the letter and it still lays on the dresser. I think the reality of it all is sinking in for him. This is where it will affect him. I know he doesn’t want to lose me, but He really has never had a reason to change.
Help, what do I do? I want to go through with it, but I have such my emotions. I need to read this book. Thanks for your time, whoever reads this.
(USA) I saw this blog and I thought I would share my story. My husband and I have been married for 15 years and I am 30; you do the math. My husband was charming. He had any girl he wanted and I feel for him too.
Early on I should have known I went down the wrong path. I smoked weed, did drugs and paid for it! I grew up in church and I knew what was right and what was wrong. I cheated; he cheated –basically tit for tat, when it comes to you did this, I’ll do it back over and over.
One day it stopped. He got locked up. I moved on, and found my life with Jesus. I’m not perfect and I am not bashing my husband at all. But I’m not sure why any woman WOULD LET THERE HUSBAND RIDE AROUND DRINK AND DRIVE WITH A COWORKER AND SAY I’M A SUPERVISOR I HAVE TO GIVE THIS CHICK A RIDE. HE USES HIS POSTION FOR EVERYTHING. HE WON’T ASNWER THE PHONE AND HE HAS COME HOME LATE EVERYDAY. IT TAKES HIM AN HOUR AND A HALF WHEN HE WORKD 20 MIN AWAY.
I have confronted him. He brings up the past, “I can do what I want because you did this in the past.” It’s like he’s programed or something. He calls me names. I’m ugly, nobody wants to be my friend, that’s why when they make plans they don’t come over. It’s kinda true cause I don’t have any friends, not one. And I don’t have a mom or a dad. My mom’s mentally ill and gave me up as a child.
The point is, I feel like all the sin I have done has made my life miserable. Even though I changed my ways it’s like we are not on the same page. He has a picture of his coworker. He said he has pictures of all his workers on his folder but does not have one of me, and he married me. He used to lie and tell people he wasn’t married.!
I’m just like, really, is this what I deserve? Probably. I have faith and all but not in humans. All the people I have ever known hurt me. I have hurt people too, so I can’t complain. But what I can say is I FEEL ALONE AND I FEEL LIKE THIS LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT. BUT I FEEL LIKE EVEN THOUGH I HAVE 3 BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN, THAT I HAVE SINNED AND THINK MY WHOLE LIFE IS A JOKE.
(USA) That it what emotional abuse turns you into. Rejecting Christ is the only thing that can keep us out of Heaven but we must repent and that means not only be truly sorry but stop.
As much as I wanted to get my husband back for cheating, that is unforgiveness. Not feeling pain still. It doesn’t matter what another does, I am responsible to God for what I do and he will not hear “but my husband did it first” not to mention, that is defiling God, myself, my kids, my integrity. I can’t do that and looking at the shame in my husband makes me glad that I stayed true to God.
I cannot even drink off another person’s straw. Sex with an acquantaince or stranger blows my mind!
If anyone had a multitude of reasons for cheating, it was me. Just to hear a kind word. He hated my guts and I didn’t know why. He had a heart full of adultery and was after anything. I had not enjoyed sex for 9 years and 2 months. He was on the couch, no ring and carrying on laughing at me, all claiming to be a Christian and teaching in Church. He had the nerve to say we hadn’t had sex in 10 months! Nothing for me for almost 10 years! You would be shocked to see her at all but then next to me. The bailiffs even comented on how she looked like a dirty guy. He now explains his self-loathing, the grip the devil had on him and resenting me for seeming to get better at all God had gifted me with while he was sinking.
Age has many issues to do with everything but you cannot gauge yourself by another’s life. You make Christ the center of you life. Eyes on Him and live as He instructs. You will not only be setting examples with your testimony, you are planting for His Kingdom. I promise it will help you begin to heal.
You are NOT all of those horrible things, Satan sets us all up for failure. He hates us yet we love doing what he tells us to because sin has it’s savor for a season. It is very brief and always leaves behind much regret, painful wreckage and often disease.
You are made in God’s image and He gave His son’s life for you to live in Eternity with Him. That is something special INDEED! You matter to the LORD, If He is for you, who can be against you? God says to resist the devil and he will flee. My husband not only let him in but held us all down while he violated us. My kids included. Love and prayers.
(AUSTRALIA) I am 52 years old. I have been married for 18 years. I am a Christian. I am very hurt with my husband. He isn’t a Christian. He knows about Jesus, but hasn’t given his life to him. So when I said, I want to leave you, I cannot live with you treating me with hurtful words and no respect, I said the thing that worries me. I hope the Lord will forgive me and when I die he will still let me into heaven.
I said to my husband, aren’t you worried? Don’t you to think about this? Doesn’t this worry you? I want to separate from you for a year and this will give you some time to think. I know you don’t love me anymore. I bug you. He said I am tired, he is fine with this. We have a 9 year old daughter. I said I will move out. He said how can you afford that? I said I will be fine.
He was told once by a doctor that he has bipolar. He won’t take any meds. He said he never had it. But when I said you have this bipolar, he didn’t say this time he hasn’t got it.
(USA) This didn’t help much. I’m trying to find out why my wife of 3 years and been together for 8, is all of a sudden wanting anal sex and likes it as of about 2 weeks ago? When she wouldn’t dare go near the area since we’ve been together almost a decade. Not that I don’t like it but I’m curious as to why she does now.
(USA) If you are Christians, do you understand what God thinks of that and the health risks? I too, would wonder what has made her desire this now.
(Australia) Hi, my husband and I have been married for two years now. Our problems started straight away and have not stopped. I have been imagining a life without him and it’s not easy, I just want to be happy as a woman as a mother. I have given him many chances and I feel like a fool. In the beginning, it was the fact that we were sharing a bed that I had first experienced sexual intercourse (which I am in no way proud of, I’m merely being honest and just need help). He constantly verbally and mentally abused me making me feel like nothing. It was so hard to accept especially being pregnant and living with my father, I felt as if I had no choice but to pretend our journey was going great in front of people who knew me the most! We moved from my father’s home into his mother’s house due to my dad overheating, my husband verbally abusing me and shouting. My dad tried to attack my husband, resulting in our move to the home of my husband’s mother. From there, nothing changed and he told me the reason he treated me so poorly was due to the pressure of living with my dad and the constant reminder of my past right where we slept. He convinced me it was my fault for not getting rid of the bed… the room we used was mine before we married. My father insisted we use my bed as ours as I’ve had ever since I was 15 and it was of sentimental value to my father. The truth is we couldn’t afford a new bed!
Living with his mother and siblings was fine; it was the way he treated me no matter who was there was what killed me inside. I became pregnant with my second child by this point and nine months and three weeks into the pregnancy we had an argument that had everything to do with my mother’s partner (not my father). My husband invited him over for nye (the son of my mother’s partner is who I had lost my virginity to… please don’t judge me, I have learned my lessons from the wrong I have done). My husband started an argument with my mother’s partner and to his defense my mother turned to my husband and shouted ‘please stop we want to go home!’ I went outside, heavily pregnant, to try and calm my husband down (he is heavily intoxicated). I’m in front of him asking him to stop, he turns to me and pushes me out of the way. This made my mother react straight away standing in front of him and shouting ‘how can you do that, she’s pregnant?’ He pushes her and swears. I run to my husband’s side yelling ‘how dare you disrespect my own mother?’ I push him at this point, he then turns to me and slaps my face shouting what he usually would call me (dog crap nothing fat). I screamed and cried and couldn’t say anything.
That night was the second time, while intoxicated, he put his hands on me in a violent manner. I have also justified it with defending myself and my pride in a way. I know now I don’t have the right to no matter the situation; I don’t want him to feel how I felt when he put me down and acted out violently. We are still trying.
I know this story sounds confusing but its almost 4 o’clock in the morning here, my six month old is awake, and I just need help. Days ago we almost parted ways though I felt I needed to try again. He does too and this time I’m praying he changes. We argue so much I just cry everyday at some point because I can’t get over everything and pretend it doesn’t hurt. I know I need to turn back to God for our marriage’s sake and for our children especially.
From now you can tell my whole world growing up I can remember my father beating my mother. We did go to church and we were, as a family, I remember being happy. Things changed not long after and alcohol and violence took over yet again. I don’t want my two kids to go through what I did. I know God is the only way. Please, I don’t know what to do I just need my husband to change. Recently he’s been verbally abusive because I’ve been spending a lot of time with my family. One night he ran up to me and pushed me so hard into the refrigerator it moved out of its usual spot. In no way did I provoke him, the other times I did by yelling and swearing. I’m not perfect nor is my husband. I am desperate and am at a crossroad at the moment. Do I go on? What if he doesn’t change? My kids and I will be put through a lifetime of pain all because I didn’t leave? Is it worth it? My heart is telling me to sleep. I’m going to ask God to forgive us and help us heal the pain and anger that has multiplied over the two years. I just wouldn’t bear the guilt if we stay married and my kids have to be put through so much. I love my husband. I just realized this year I have ended up believing everything he has called me and I feel like I’m not good enough. He acts like he doesn’t care but when it suits his needs he’s the sweetest person. Please someone help me! I don’t know what to do now! God hear my prayers; I am lost and getting further away.
(Australia) By the way, I am 21 years of age and my husband is 23 years of age. Does age make a difference to your opinions about our problem? I thought it would help you understand a little better? Just wanted to know.
Thank you and if anything in my previous statement was at all offensive or disrespectful. I am deeply sorry, please know that’s not at all my intentions, I’m sorry. And thanks again for taking the time out to read my story, I appreciate it!
Im so glad I found this website. I felt like sharing my story was the right thing to do for myself & hopefully others.
(USA) Netty: I will keep you and your children in my prayers. It sounds as if your husband is very angry and taking that anger out on you. This web site has a section called “When Anger Bcomes Abuse” https://marriagemissions.com/when-anger-becomes-abuse/ which contains guidance and even prayers.
God does not want your life to be about chaos and turmoil (for you or your children). Ask for God’s help and guidance. He never turns away his child… he made you perfectly and loves you so much. May God bless you and provide the guidance you need.
(UNITED STATES) This message was a great read. Currently, I am not talking to my spouse and am currently contemplating divorce. I am only 23 years old and not even 3 years into this marriage… I’m tired of being disrespected by this emotional terrorist who believes that having emotional infidelities is ‘no big deal’. I have my whole life to live… why waste it being depressed?
We live here in the US but we are from an an African culture where there is accountability… but he STILL doesn’t care. I can’t keep going to his family… which I’ve stopped a long time ago, and I can’t allow my son to think that this type of maltreatment is appropriate. I’m so tired of fasting and praying and praying and fasting and crying and begging… I’m a human with needs too.
As a last resort, I will try to get the book on iBooks… thank you for the article and the comments, at least I know that I am not alone.
(USA) Wow I can relate to you all! Bless all your hearts. My dilemma is I have been married 2 years. My husband and I were friends first. I got married because I didn’t want to fornicate. Well, that was the worst mistake ever; no one ever explained the seriousness of marriage in God’s eyes. Imagine being in a relationship with your ex boyfriend who is passive aggressive, a father who is a passive aggressive, and now married to my husband whose parents are both passive aggressive. It’s one hit after another, one abuse after another.
I’m tired of begging and pleading and yelling and crying. I am the one trying to raise my family as a Christian; I’m tired of the fights. My kids cry seeing this. He is not trying to get help. Everything makes him angry.
Lord what is it you want me to do? I don’t want to be married. I’m all for glorifying God but not for the sake of being a robot. Jesus I need you. I’m not the best disciple but I still need you! Lord, help me before I break down with either a heart attack or worse. I’m only 26. Thank you Lord.
(USA) Hello, I am very young & I am going on my second year of marriage. We have a young son that is a few months old. My husband feels that since he contributes to family needs & is faithful that he is a great husband. Although those are qualities I admire, I want more. I feel as of I am pulling teeth when I raise concerns or even slight modifications in our day.
As of recently, he’s ex-military & uses that as reason to be so stern & short with emotions/words. As mentioned in the article, I can express needs/wants/concerns until I’m blue in the face & will receive the “I’m tired; what do you want me to do?” response. I cannot go through a marriage where my husband fails to hear or reason with me & uses energy level as a concern, considering the fact that he attends the gym for 2 plus hours at night. I feel as if I have been dealing with this issue for some time now. If anyone has any advice I would appreciate it greatly.
(USA) Yes. You are on the right track by complaining to your husband. Because you need to communicate clearly to him that you are unhappy and your needs are not being met.
I suggest you read His Needs, Her Needs
by Dr Bill Harley. Also if you visit marriagebuilders.com there is a form you can download for free that surveys your emotional needs and how well they are being met. You and your husband could both complete separate forms and then share with each other.
Hang in there. This is a common problem but if you follow a detailed plan like marriage builders then you will both be more in love than ever.
(UNITED STATES) Hi everyone, I am so relieved that I have not lost my mind. I was beginning to believe that I was the only one. You see I have been married to my husband for 20 yrs and sad to say I have been the one keeping it together with the help and grace of God. So many times I wanted to leave. But I really do love this man, I am just tired of feeling like a doormat where he gets to wipe his feet on. Things must change and since I am the only one who is seeking God for our marriage right now I need all of the help I can get. It hurts, Our cry. He changes for a few days and next thing you know he is being cold hearted all over again. I have gotten to believe that God does not want to see his children suffer like this. So I will check out the books you guys recommended. Thank you and God Bless you all.
(USA) My problem is my husband gets attached to other women emotionally. Last year we met a woman that was being abused by her husband. We helped her get out of that situation. She wanted to start a homeless ministry. We helped her set up a nonprofit. She always wants to drag my husband away from me. They even went on a 13 hour road trip together. They spend many hours alone together and when I say anything my husband says I am “hating “on her.
My husband now punishes me if I say anything against this woman. Twice in the last 2 weeks he has driven past a place he was supposed to take me too because I have spoke the TRUTH about her.
My hubby got on Match.com and is helping her to meet men. The problem is they are not getting HER they are getting HIM. HE fills in the stuff for her. One of the gentlemen is a manager at a local restaurant. He earns a good living and has a beautiful home. THEN she met another man that has SIX houses. He has bought her a computer and 2000.00 earrings. I talked to her the other day about this and told her money isn’t everything. She told me she wanted the security the man with 6 houses would give her and she didn’t want KFC, which is NOT the real place I am talking about as he wouldn’t go anywhere. After she told me this she said to my husband she wanted to go for a ride with him and talk. I told my husband what she said to me. I told him she is vain and shallow and he gets upset with ME!!!
She puts me down all the time. She tells me my hair looks nasty and flat and she also bad mouths the very people that help us with the homeless ministry. I am heartbroken over all of this and at this point don’t know where to turn. My husband also has a pic of me and her with him in the middle on his laptop. I am in a dress and she is in a VERY skimpy bathing suit. It has been on his laptop as his background pic since July. I see it EVERY day. She is a knockout, a very beautiful women.
I do want to note I have NOT let myself go. I am fit and work out ALL the time. I also am not bad looking. I take very good care of myself and have lots of friends. My husband is always saying how beautiful she is and he always says I love you sis to her. He keeps getting attached and I am tired of being hurt all the time.
(USA) Hello Jeaannie. First let me say I’m sorry for what you are going through. I too am having a tough time communicating to my husband how his actions are effecting our marriage and feel frustrated. For your situation, of course pray first that your husband sees the wrongs he’s committing and that he changes but secondly, you have to protect your home. That means that woman does not need to be in your home or going on rides with your husband. That is YOUR husband and there are certain things you should step up to and say you will not accept. His actions are disrespectful to you and your marriage.
Again, I understand how you feel. Although you can’t change a person, you can just pray that God changes them, you can tell them what you will and will not accept. If your husband has a problem ending that relationship with that woman, then it’s up to you to decide whether you want to continue dealing with this but pray first about it. Ask God how to approach your husband. I know it’s tempting to try and do things our on way but seek God first and wait. I pray things get better for you and your husband.
(USA) Hi, I’m in a relationship and the whole two years in this relationship has been hell. My boyfriend disrespects me on so many levels. He call me names like stupid, curses me out on a regular basis and I’m tired of it. I left him once before and he told me he was gonna change but it lasts only a week and he’s back to the old him …I don’t know what to do!!!
Sincerely, Mariah …you don’t know what to do? Do you want a lifetime of disrespect, name-calling and such? And what if you have children? Do you want them to learn this type of behavior from their Dad, and to pass it onto treating their spouse like he treats you?
You aren’t married. So why do you put up with this type of treatment? “Love” and believing empty promises can only continue so far. Every additional day you subject yourself to this type of behavior is troublesome. Your boyfriend has shown you his level of how much he respects you as a person of dignity and worth. If you continue to put up with this, you continue to allow yourself to be devalued. Think and pray about this… I think you can figure this one out.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I am 55 years old. This is my second marriage. I’ve been married 28 yrs. My husband is abusive verbally and physically. Last year was so bad that I laid a charged against him for six months. Now we have been going for counselling I’m not sure if it’s helping as he swears, says very nasty things at me only when he’s drunk. When he’s sober he says he does not remember?
I left home last year. He begged for me to come home –that he will change. He forever sleeps out, comes home drunk, then blames me. I am always being accused of sleeping with everyone from the pastors (he does not go to church), to my bosses. Our children are all married and out of the home. I pay for everything in the home so financially I’m bound to the bond on the home so I don’t have the finances to move out. But I am just tied of this life. When I look at my children I feel so embarrassed that @ my age to still having a rollers coaster marriage.