It is an old adage that says, “Hurt people hurt people.” Those who have been emotionally damaged tend to inflict their hurt and pain on other people. For example, a large percentage of those who have been sexually abused become the abusers of others. Those who suffered under an alcoholic parent often cause their future family to suffer because of their drunken stupors.
Until we as a church deal with the whole person as shown in 1 Thessalonians 5:23 our congregations will be filled with people who are spiritually gifted but act like emotional infants. The church must deal with emotional health and not just spiritual health and power.
The following are common traits hurt people display in their interactions with others.
Common Traits in Hurt People
1. Hurt people often transfer their inner anger onto their family and close friends.
- Often those around them become the recipients of harsh tones and fits of rage. That is because they have unknowingly become the vicarious recipients of transferred rage.
2. Hurt people interpret every word spoken to them through the prism of their pain.
- Because of their pain, ordinary words are often misinterpreted to mean something negative towards them.
- Because of this, they are extremely sensitive and act out of pain instead of reality.
3. The Tendency is That Hurt people interpret actions through the prism of their pain.
- Their emotional pain causes them to suspect wrong motives or evil intent behind other people’s actions towards them.
4. Hurt people often portray themselves as victims and carry a “victim spirit”.
- Often hurt people can cry “racism,” “sexism,” or “homophobia.” They often use the words “unjust” or “unfair” to describe the way they are being treated, even if there is no truth to this. (That is not to say that sometimes there really is racism or sexism in some instances. This is just used as an example.)
Hurt people have a hard time entering into a trusting relationship. They often carry around a suspicious spirit.
5. Additionally, hurt people often alienate others and wonder why no one is there for them.
- They often continually hurt the ones they love and need the most with their self-destructive behavior.
As it Pertains to Hurt People:
6. Hurt people have the emotional maturity of the age they received their (un-dealt with) hurt.
- For example, if a girl was raped by a man when she was 12 years old, unless she forgives that man and allows Christ to heal her heart, her emotional growth will stop. Even when she reaches her later years she may still have the emotional maturity of a 12 year-old.
7. Hurt people are often frustrated and depressed because past pain spills over into their consciousness.
- In many instances, they may not even be aware of why they are continually frustrated or depressed. They have coped with pain by compartmentalizing it or layering it over with other things over time.
8. Hurt people often erupt with inappropriate emotion because words, actions, or circumstances “touch” and “trigger” past woundedness.
- I have been in situations with people in which there was a gross overreaction to a word I spoke or an action that was taken. It appeared that this reaction came “out of left field.” But it was really the person responding to an accumulation of years of hurt and pain that spilled over in various situations.
- I have been in situations where I felt hurt, troubled, or overreacted to something. This is because it touched a nerve because of a wound I received in the past. In these situations I have attempted to reason through the situation as objectively as I can. I’ve done this with much prayer and introspection so I would not say or do anything damaging to another person or myself.
Plus:
9. Hurt people often occupy themselves with busyness, work, and/or accomplishments as a way of compensating for low self-esteem.
- Often ministers are not motivated by a love for Jesus but a drive to accomplish.
- It is important that pastors and ministers be led by the Spirit instead of being driven to succeed.
- A minister should not preoccupy himself with making things happen. He or she should walk in integrity and humility. He or she should allow God to open up doors and provide a ministerial platform.
10. Hurt people often attempt to medicate themselves with excessive entertainment, drugs, alcohol, pornography, sexual relationships, or hobbies as a way to forget their pain and run from reality.
- Until the church learns to deal with and emphasize the emotional life and health of the believer, the church will be filled with half-Christians. These are people who pray and read the Bible but find no victory. That is because they do not face the woundedness in their souls.
11. Hurt people have learned to accommodate their private “false self” or “dark side.” This causes them to lack integrity.
- Often their private life is different from their public life. This causes hypocrisy and compounds feelings of guilt, condemnation, and depression.
12. Hurt people are often self-absorbed with their own pain. They are unaware they are hurting others.
- They are often insensitive to other people. Their emotional pain limits their capacity for empathy and their capacity for self-awareness.
- I have been in numerous situations when someone hurt me. They have kept on going in the relationship without ever apologizing because they had no clue what they were doing.
Also, it is said:
13. Hurt people are susceptible to demonic deception.
- I am convinced that most of the divisions in the church are caused by saints who lack emotional health. They project their pain onto others.
- Satan works in darkness and deception, and stays away from the light. Hurt people often have destructive habit-patterns that are practiced in the dark. Hence, their mind becomes a breeding ground for satanic deception.
- If the church would deal more with the emotional health of the individual, there would be less of a foothold for demonic infiltration. Also, there would be stronger relationships, marriages, and healthier children. Plus, there would be a more balanced approach to ministry.
It is said:
14. God often purposely surfaces pain so hurt people can face reality.
- Whether it is because of a marriage problem, or continual personal conflicts on the job, God often allows conflict and spillover. He wants the infection to stop spreading and the person to be healed.
- Often Christians are fighting the devil and blaming him for conflict. God often allows conflict so that people would be motivated to dig deeper into their lives. They need to deal with root causes of destructive thought and habit patterns.
- God’s purpose for us is that we would all be conformed to the image of Christ (Romans 8:29). This does not just happen with Bible studies, prayer, and times of glory. It also happens in painful situations when we have to face what has been hurting us for many years.
- I have noticed that these periods of surfacing woundedness often take place when people transition into the mid-life years of their upper thirties and later. Perhaps this is because by then they are old enough to understand that there is something wrong. They also realize that it is not too late to redeem their pain and restore relationships and maximize their purpose. Rarely is a person able or even willing to deal with and face pain when they hit their senior years (sixties or older). Most at this age have already become hard-hearted, and/or become so depressed even though God is able to help them at any age.
And Lastly, the following is said about hurt people:
15. Hurt people need to forgive to be released and restored to freedom.
- The Gospel of St. John 20:23 says that we have to release the sins of others if we are going to be released. This means that if we do not forgive others then the very thing we have become victimized with will become a part of our life. For example, alcoholic fathers breed alcoholic sons if their sons do not forgive and release their fathers.
- The good news is that, through the efficacious blood of Christ, we can all be healed. We can be set free from all past hurts. This is so that we can comfort others with the same comfort we ourselves have received from God (2 Corinthians 1:4).
Truly our mess can become our message!
This article was written by Joseph Mattera wr. Joseph has been in full-time ministry since 1980. He is the presiding Bishop of Christ Covenant Coalition. He is also the Overseeing Bishop of Resurrection Church in New York. This is a multi-ethnic congregation of 40 nationalities.
His passion is to see the Lordship of Christ manifest over every realm of society so the church can fulfill the cultural mandate in Genesis 1:28. This has resulted in extensive ministry nationally and internationally He reaches out to many nations of the world. They include the former Soviet Union, Bulgaria, Turkey, Puerto Rico, the Dominican Republic, Honduras, Holland, Ukraine, Canada, Mexico, and Cuba. You can visit his web site to read additional articles written by Joseph Mattera by clicking HERE.
— ALSO —
A good resource we recommend, written by Sandra Wilson, that may help you further would be:
Another good resource we recommend, written by John Townsend and Henry Cloud:
Filed under: Abuse in Marriage Communication and Conflict
(USA) This was good information. I would like to have some healing toward a sister who has hurt me all my life and has alienated me now.
(AFRICA) I have been reading marriage missions articles for quite a while now. I don’t know why I did not come to this article sooner. Like Deb from USA, this is very good information. I have been dragging my past along with me in my marriage. My ex hurt me terribly and each time I have a difference with my husband I would explode and compare him to my ex. I believe I need to practice forgiveness on my past hurts and move on with my new found love. I know it cant just happen overnight, but I will pray about it.
(UNITED STATES) Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! This article has brought a revelation to me that I had an idea of, but could not put it into such details as the author has done so here. I am one in need of forgiving from past and present hurts and moving forward in emotional healing. I am a pastor’s wife and I have been living a double life that I know is not pleasing to God. My public life and private life are two different worlds. My husband and I have been at odds with each other for years. We have even tried to forgive one another of past and present hurts. It seems as though things would seem to keep re-surfacing. But now I understand it is because we are not emotionally healthy. I know I see myself in much of this and I also see my husband. I am praying that I learn how to walk in this so that we do not destroy that which God has placed in our hands.
Thank you – I will continue to read this for my emotional health.
(EGYPT) What happens when both people in the marriage have done and said hurtful things to one another and one forgives and the other continues to hold on to their hurt, and you feel like you have suggested everything to try to fix things and there are children involved, but the other person still wants to continue to hold on to their hurt and wont let go? Do you A) continue to wait around not knowing whether or not he/she come around or B) Move on get divorce? Those are the only to options that I can think of. If anyone have any suggestions please let me know.
(USA) Egypt, First, we can all sense your frustration, to which you have every right. I wish more parents would consider their children and try harder to save their marriages. On the other hand, I wish my mother had left my violent, abusive father years earlier than she did. Only you can say if it’s worth it to stay or go.
Yet, here is my advice. First of all, print out this article and give it your spouse and attach a written note expressing your feelings above. (I have found it is sometimes helpful to communicate over serious problems like this in writing, since it can force both parties to actually listen and drop the hateful comments.)
Next, you should make an appointment for couples counseling with a qualified therapist. If your spouse refuses to go, please go to the therapy sessions by yourself. This way you can continue to work on healing and strengthening your soul.
Eventually, either your spouse will be impressed by the changes you have made and join you in therapy, or you will have to make the decision to provide a healthier, happier home for just you and your children by divorcing your spouse. Either way, you and your children will be better off than you are right now. God Bless you and everyone in your position! In God’s Love, NavyGrey
(CANADA) How does a couple work through broken trust? The father has just been found to have sexually abused his daughter for two or three years. Before his current marriage, he was her only caregiver at the time since he was divorced. He confessed to his pastor and is now seeking counsel. His current wife who has seen her own train of sexual abuse in her life is devastated as he was her knight in shining armor. It has been very hard to get past the hurt.
The husband knows that at this point he is living under grace as he puts the parts back together with his daughter and wife. His daughter has forgiven him years ago but needs help. He is trusting in God for his complete deliverance and is praying that the hurt he has caused his wife can be healed. What do you think he should do to help make this work?
(U.S) It is the responsibility of the offender to remove the offense. It is what love does. If they are unwilling to do that, then love has left, and then the offended party is left with no alternative but to get away from them.
Marriage counselors are like vultures, and lawyers like jackels. Your failed marriage is their paycheck. If you are a Christian, you already have “the Counselor” inside of you. You don’t need “anyone” to tell you what to do, no pastor, no lawyer, no marriage counselor, no doctor, no friend, no relative. Listen carefully, now you’re going to find out who really loves you! And it isn’t going to be any of the above. God is with the innocent, the brokenhearted, the persecuted, the faithful, rejoice in that!
There’s a reason you got crushed, you are being called! Read: Matthew 5:3-12. It’s ok to cry, God Himself cried when He saw what the unfaithful do. But for you, remain faithful to Him. Because many are called, but few are chosen. See you in heaven!
(USA) Pauline, I have read many articles like this. Although I understand what is being said it is really hard to be on the receiving end of the hurting individual hurt. For the past five year I have been trying to cope with the hurt I received from my spouse. It’s hard to think someone can be loving one day and hurtful another. I love my husband but he is killing me gradually. I would often ask GOD, what have I done to deserve this kind of treatment?
There are times it’s too much to bear. The pain in my heart is too much. This situation is also affecting me physically. We have had many different counselors. Things would get better for a short while, then it’s back to normal.
Everything you mentioned in your article is what I am being put through. I try to make sense of the different situations that would occur. I question myself so many times but somehow it’s unbelievable as to what people are capable of. I really am trying to console myself with GOD’s word, which is what keeps be going mostly. There are times when I wish to live no longer because of the pain I am being subject to.
I know that this is not how GOD intended for me to live. I wish I could reach my husband and help him out of his torture and then I could have a better life. I am in my late thirties and my husband is his late forties. I have two girls, 18 and fourteen years of age and they live with us. I am from the Caribbean. I’ve lived here in the USA for the past two years.
Looking at this situation, it looks hopeless. All I can do is continue to trust GOD and do my best to believe that someday everything will get better. My concern is for my sanity and the effects this will have on my children. I am at the stage where I do not know how to have fun or to be happy. Sometimes I would ask GOD why has he forsaken and abandoned me.
(UK) Pauline, I totally understand… I went through what you are going through and my heart felt like an open wound with pepper sprayed onto it. I had resigned and waited for the day I’d die and go to heaven… I did not really anticipate any change!
One day, my husband packed his bags and left after 10 years of marriage! It was a relief for me and the kids. I knelt down in our lounge and prayed to God and forgave him in my heart. But I also told God that if he ever came back, I did not want the same man. He came back and said the first sorry ever in 10 years of marriage! He is completely changed! I found it so hard to deal with the new man… the old one was more predictable!
Do not give up. Pray for him. God loves him more than you do. What he did for me, He can do for you. ‘They overcame by the blood of the Lamb and their testimony.’
(US) My husband has been hurt so badly from his past. When we met, I thought I could make a difference in his life and show him the love of God and that would make a difference. But as time went gone by, I saw a side of him that I did not see in the beginning.
He has shared with me some of the hurts & pains that he has experienced in his past. Every time we had a bad moment then he would do something very hurtful to me. I couldn’t understand why things were getting worse, but it was that he was already hurt from the past and it began to spill out into our marriage.
No matter what I said he would always take it the wrong way and cause a fight and divison among us. Now I am in a state to pray for him and expect God to deliver him and give him a new spirit. If not, I will move on with my life and learn from my past mistake. I will not give up on him but, I will allow God to do a work in him.
(SINGAPORE) Linette, I admire you. You are very intelligent and you have deep love. Don’t let your husband affect you. Love him but don’t let him drag you down.
(UK) Pauline, put scriptures where you can easily see them and recite them. Say them until they grip your heart.
(KENYA) Thanks for the encouraging articles. Forgiveness is difficult, painful and at times costly, especially when you are hurt by the spouse you love but they are arrogant.
I was hurt by my wife who instead of helping me through the pain, became continuously arrogant. As a result I developed depression. To get healed I resigned from work in order to change my environment and be far from her. Because of this I was able to forgive her and got healed from the heart problems that had developed.
We are now back together and I no longer feel hurt by her past, though she does not admit that she hurt me. This was a very expensive healing process.
(USA) Oh how true is the title of this commentary… I also am aware of a book from several years back that was in our home but didn’t give much thought to it. At this present time two things come to the front of my convictions and I’m somewhat perplexed at what to do… certainly PRAY!
The first is that because of personal loss my wife has experienced in the past four years, it really has seemed that our connection as husband and wife has been stretched… apart. It also has had pulls from the birth of our daughter nearly eight years ago. The toughest area of connection seems to be in the area of communication and that in its fullness and healthiness… and yes in the area of love, making it would seem that we’re more "business partners" than the two that God would purpose to become one according to His Word.
That said, the second point that comes to mind, and I must confess my insecurity in part, is that not only do hurt people hurt people, but tonight, Christmas day, I seem to be revelated that yes, I am hurt and in part I would tend to hurt others if only by my sensitive temper.
I have determined to find a brother or two that God will lead me to, and pray about this. I cannot find a reason while I stand before Him to toss in the towel of my marriage no matter how much it hurts. On the other hand I’m continuously reminded that He alone wishes to heal and mend what He has joined together nearly fifteen years ago.
Thank you for listening to my comment. Again I’m going to praise Him because I’m going to consider this a revelation… an insight into growing forward and not let this continue for another minute or shrink me back. God Bless you and feel free to respond… thank you… Tim
(USA) This article is VERY GOOD. I think this may what is happening in my marriage. Both my husband and I have been married before. I believe we are both hurting each other because of our past hurts.
Besides prayer, how do we get over this?
(USA) If you both know you have the same goals you can seek out a counselor who can help you communicate with one another and break the cycle.
(USA) This article is a mirror image of me, which is why I often feel self loathing towards myself. I am struggling to overcome past childhood hurts and have been dealing with this for a long time. Pray with me that I allow Jesus to help me because I often alienate Him. I push Him away and neglect Him like I do everyone else. Then feel hurt because I cannot feel His presence. I need a true healing, not a surface one, but I fear I will have destroyed every relationship I have before then.
(USA) I am going through some the same issues that are here. My husband and I have been separated for a month and the hurts seems not to go away. I made lots of mistakes by putting him down in all types of ways. It is really a long story. I miss him now a lot and so does my daughter; she is not doing well with all of this. My thing is he feels that I am cheating and I feel the same about him.
I can call him and he won’t answer or even text him and no answer. I have asked him to come home on several occasions and he says I got what I wanted. I really didn’t want this but this was my way of trying to get him to come around. I was hurt so I felt that if I hurt him he would start doing things with us as a family.
What I can’t understand is why he won’t go to spiritual counseling with me. I love him and want my marriage to work. I have asked God for his forgiveness and also my husband but he seems not to want to do that either. I forgive him for all that he has done or is doing. I just want to start all over but with Christ with us. Does any one have any suggestions?
(UK) There are always two sides to the coin. Your side, you would like things to work out, and his side! He needs the space to deal with his hurt in his own way. Just respect that and wait prayerfully if he comes back to you. If not, there is still a way out of this. If you love somebody, let them go. If they come back to you, then they are yours. If they do not come back, then accept it.
(USA) Wow, this sounds like me…trying to hurt him to make him come around. Realizing now that 2 wrongs don’t make a right and there are better ways to handle it.
(AMERICA) Well, what if said person is Bipolar and Schizophrenic? It’s my wife who runs away and never does anything right. The anger in me is that she is hurting me by running away. This hurts very much, like tonight, I don’t know where she is. She called one Tuesday morning from Deming, NM asking for money for a ticket. Well, I sent the money but she never picked it up. Then I found out she left and went to California. She is totally lost and thinks she is doing right.
I can quote 1 Timothy 2:9 which says in it that a woman is to do what is right and not hurt the one she loves but it sure does hurt and makes me angry at her. But it’s not her fault. This is a generational curse on her family since she is the great, great granddaughter of Geronimo. I don’t believe in messing around or divorce. That is a sin of the worst type.
So many friends of mine have done this and married again and that is another sin called adultery. But they say that it’s okay and not really wrong. This is not okay to fornicate with another person who is not your spouse. They keep saying well, Jesus died and put an end to the law. Wrong! It never happened that way.
He died to make the law perfect in his Father’s eyes. I need prayer for my wife who is lost. Her name is Johnnie Lou.
(US) This is the first article that describes me perfectly. I hurt my husband verbally and physically. I’m so ashamed of the things I say and do. I have been a Christian for years. I hate myself for all the things I put him through. I hurt so bad from losing my first spouse to Cancer. I am so angry for him being gone. We were married for 23 years. I took care of him until his death. I used to sit and watch him sleep and beg him to talk to me, but he couldn’t. I felt so abandoned by him after he died.
I met a wonderful man and married one year ago today. My recent husband just left me 3 days ago. I’m sick over this. Once again I feel abandoned and blame myself for it all. My recent husband shuts down and won’t talk to me anytime we have a disagreement. I keep reverting back to when my first husband couldn’t speak to me and I was alone and scared once again. I want to abuse my first husband so bad when he shuts me out because it reminds me of my late husband not being able to speak to me. I have never told this to anyone before. I’m good until this situation triggers something in me. Please help me to save my marriage and seek help for myself because I’m so angry.
(UK) It is very difficult and hurtful losing a spouse, especially after such a long marriage. It is not fair, though, to expect your husband to understand and carry your pain with you. He has not lost a spouse, you have. All he wants to do is love you, support you and be your husband.
Maybe you need to deal with the past pain before you deal with the present.
(BAHAMAS) I realize that hurt people hurt one another now that God has made me whole. The things I thought before about others and myself are no more. God changes us completely and imparts more of Himself in us. There are some people in relationships that seek love to fill the void of being hurt and it is just a temporary bandage because only GOD CAN HEAL THEM.
I see relationships where so much stress is placed on the other person for attention and affection its exhausting to watch and one partner is so needy and clingy its not healthy. In many cases some partners take advantage and let the other one wait on them hand and foot and use their weakness prey on them. But a real love and a real Christian spouse would seek ways to help the other overcome their fears of loneliness, pain, rejection and or abuse.
Some have said women are more giving by nature. That is a negative confession. There is indeed power in the words we speak their can be an equal playing ground and a healthy balance if it is established early on. On the honeymoon and in the beauty of the newness you may want to wait on the person hand and foot but be realistic is it practical to wait on someone hand and foot after a hard day of work and kids to tend to and food to cook too. Should a woman start something that later on may lead to resentment and strife? There needs to be a healthy balance.
No one should be doing everything or giving all of themselves. It should never be one sided nor should love be. If it is then that is not love. Love according to the scripture in Corinthians is patient, kind, humble and does not boast, is not arrogant and does not insist on its own way. So why are there spouses or significant others that do look at the scripture when you try to determine if it is love? If it does not line up with the word – you are decieved. Its not love! God word is truth!
God must be our first love and show us the way the truth and the light so we can then see the right mate. If we are cloudy in our minds and filled with darkness it will be hard to find the light. Seek Christ first saints!
(SOUTH AFRICA) I am going through the same thing. My husband was married before, and everytime we have a misunderstanding he will always compare the situation to that of what He had with his former wife. At times I don’t know why I am still with him. In his fits of rage he will threaten to kill me.
(US) Thank you so much for answering my prayers. I have been dealing with separating from my husband over six times in the last three years. I’ve been seeking God. Why are we always back in the same place?
My husband has been hurt ever since he was a little boy by his parents and then with two bad marriages. I see now that he doesn’t have a spirit of forgiveness and that is what pours out into our relationship and causes us to have a very unhealthy marriage. Yes, he is a minister of the Gospel, but he has a stoney heart. Thanks for the insight to hurting people.