Here are some of the reasons women leave men. And then we’ll follow with some of the reasons men leave women:
- “I hurt all the time because I feel alone and abandoned.”
- “My husband is no longer my friend.”
- “The only time he pays attention to me is when he wants sex.”
- “He’s never there for me when I need him the most.”
- “When he hurts my feelings he doesn’t apologize.”
- “He lives his life as if we weren’t married; he rarely considers me.”
- “We’re like ships passing in the night, he goes his way and I go mine.”
- “My husband has become a stranger to me. I don’t even know who he is anymore.”
- “He doesn’t show any interest in me or what I do.”
Women Leave Men for Various Reasons
Women appear to tend to be more concerned about the relationship aspect of marriage than men. They buy most of the books on marriage to try to improve them. Additionally, they initiate most marriage counseling. They often complain about their marriages to their closest friends; sometimes to anyone who will listen. And they also file for divorce twice as often as men.
Why do women seem so dissatisfied with marriage? What do they want from their husbands? What bothers them so much about marriage that most are willing to risk their families’ future to escape it? Why do women leave men?
Each day I’m confronted by women who are extremely frustrated with their marriages. They usually express no hope that their husbands will ever understand what it is that frustrates them, let alone change enough to solve the problem. From their perspective, marital problems are created by their husbands who do little or nothing to solve them. Wives tend to see themselves as the major force for resolving conflicts, and when they give up their effort, the marriage is usually over.
Expectations Out of Reach
When I talk to their husbands, they usually have a very different explanation as to why their wives feel the way they do. They often feel that the expectations of women in general and their wives in particular, have grown completely out of reach. These men, who feel that they’ve made a gigantic effort to be caring and sensitive to their wives, get no credit whatsoever for their sizable contribution to the family. They feel under enormous pressure to improve their financial support, improve the way they raise their children, and improve the way they treat their wives. Many men I see are emotionally exhausted. They feel that for all their effort, they get nothing but criticism.
The simpler role of husbands in decades past has now been replaced by a much more complex and confusing role. This is especially true in their relationship with their wives. Some conclude that women are born to complain and men must ignore it to survive. Others feel that women have come to expect so much of men that they’re impossible to please; so there’s no point in even trying. Very few men, these days, feel that they’ve learned to become the husbands that their wives have wanted, and the job seems to be getting more and more difficult.
Grounds for Divorce
Men’s perceived failure to satisfy their wives is punctuated by the fact that women file for divorce twice as often as men. In other words, their unhappiness with marriage often results in divorce. The most common reason women give for leaving their husbands is “mental cruelty.” When legal grounds for divorce are stated, about half report they’ve been emotionally abused. But the mental cruelty they describe is rarely the result of their husband’s efforts to drive them crazy. It’s usually husbands being indifferent, failing to communicate and demonstrating other forms of neglect.
Another reason for divorce reported almost as much as mental cruelty is “neglect” itself. These include both emotional abandonment and physical abandonment. Husbands that work away from the home, sometimes leaving their wives alone for weeks at a time, fall into this category.
Spousal Neglect
When all forms of spousal neglect are grouped together, we find that it’s far ahead of all the other reasons combined that women leave men. Surprisingly few women divorce because of physical abuse, infidelity, alcoholism, criminal behavior, fraud, or other serious grounds. In fact, I find myself bewildered by women in serious physical danger refusing to leave men that threaten their safety. Simply stated, women leave men when they’re neglected. Neglect accounts for almost all of the reasons women leave and divorce men.
I have little trouble convincing most men that verbal and physical abuse are legitimate reasons for their wives to leave. And there has been increasing social pressure on men lately to avoid hurting their wives physically and verbally, which makes my job even easier. But neglect is a much tougher sell, and it’s also much more difficult to overcome than abuse. While it’s the most important reason women leave men, it’s hard to convince men that it’s a legitimate reason, something they should avoid at all costs.
Complaints
Some of the common complaints I hear from women is, “He ignores me except when he wants sex. My husband sits and watches television when he could be talking to me. He rarely calls me to see how I’m doing. He hurts my feelings and then never apologizes. Instead, he tells me I’m too sensitive.”
Most husbands are mystified by these complaints. They feel that their wives demand too much, and that most other women would be ecstatic if married to them. Their wives have become spoiled, take their efforts for granted and have unrealistic expectations.
Do women expect too much of their husbands or are men doing less for their wives than they should? I’ve proven to husbands over and over again that their wives usually don’t expect too much of them, and when they understand and respond to their wives’ frustration, the complaining ends and a terrific marriage begins.
Expect Effort
What’s more, their wives aren’t expecting more effort from them. Instead, they expect efforts in a different direction. It isn’t more difficult to please women these days; it simply requires a change in the priority of effort.
What are women looking for in men? They want a soul mate, someone they trust who’s there for them when they have a problem, who takes their feelings into account when decisions are being made. Someone to whom they feel emotionally connected.
I use a house as an illustration to help husbands understand how their wives feel. Each room in the house represents one of the husband’s roles in life. There’s a room for his job as a production manager, there’s another for golf, another for his new sports car, one for his garden, one for his children, one for church, and, yes, one for his wife.
Focused Attention
As he makes his way through an average day, he visits various rooms when he’s faced with the role the room defines. And when he’s in a certain room, the others are blocked out of his mind so that he can focus his undivided attention on the role he plays at the time. He does his best when he’s not faced with distractions, and prefers to deal with each problem with all his energy and creativity so that he does the best he can in each role he plays.
The wives of most men are only one of many rooms in this imaginary house. It represents the “husband” role. When they’re in that room, they usually try to give their wives undivided attention and make a special effort to meet their needs. They also go to that room to have their own needs met, particularly the need for sex.
What frustrates wives most is that they’re relegated to only one room in their husbands’ imaginary house instead of every room. In other words, they want to be integrated into a man’s entire life, not relegated to one corner. Without such integration, there can be no emotional bonding, uniting of the spirit, feeling of intimacy, and in many cases, no sex.
Stay Emotionally Connected
To help husbands learn to avoid this unpleasant outcome, I’ve tried to show them how to become and stay emotionally connected to their wives by inviting them into each room of their house. They learn to become more than the role of “husband” to their wives. They learn to integrate their wives into every aspect of their lives.
When I counsel a husband, I explain that he’s to invite his wife into each room of his house. Regardless of his role or responsibility, his wife should be considered in each decision he makes. Once the invitation is made, the results are startling!
When a husband invites his wife into each room of his house, she helps change his priorities. She reminds him that her feelings are very different from his. As a result, he begins to live his life in a way that’s compatible to her needs and values. He learns how to avoid habits that cause his wife to be unhappy, and he learns how to meet her most important emotional needs. He also learns how to give his undivided attention to her and schedule time to be alone with her.
THE POLICY OF JOINT AGREEMENT
To help men integrate their wives into each room, I’ve encouraged husbands to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement. NEVER DO ANYTHING WITHOUT AN ENTHUSIASTIC AGREEMENT BETWEEN YOU and YOUR SPOUSE.
This policy helps men take their wives’ feelings into account whenever they make a decision. They avoid thoughtless habits, learn to meet emotional needs with mutual enjoyment and resolve their conflicts. All of this creates marital compatibility and emotional bonding.
The word “anything” in the policy applies to all the activities of a husband that go on in each of his rooms. So whenever he follows it, he learns to think about his wife’s reaction to everything he learns to think about his wife’s reaction to everything he does, not just what goes on in the “husband” room.
Why ENTHUSIASTIC Agreement?
Some argue that just an agreement would be a big help, why insist on enthusiastic agreement? It’s because I want couples to avoid agreements that are coerced or self-sacrificing. I want couples to learn how to come to agreements that take both of their interests into account at once. I’ve encouraged couples to continue to negotiate until they arrive at an enthusiastic agreement because they’re the ones that stand up to the test of time.
Most men complain that if they invite their wives into every room of their imaginary houses, their wives will take over completely and they’ll lose all their peace and freedom. They imagine their identities shriveling away and find themselves a shadow of their former selves. But the Policy of Joint Agreement prevents that unfortunate outcome. Joint agreement means that both husband and wife must be enthusiastic together, and no one risks losing their identity or subjecting themselves to slavery when they themselves must be enthusiastic about each decision. The goal is to become united in purpose and spirit, not to overpower or control each other.
How easy is it?
Couples that are already emotionally bonded have little or no trouble following this policy. They’ve already learned how to behave in sensitive and caring ways in each of their life’s roles. But emotionally distant couples have great difficulty with the policy at first. They’re accustomed to doing what they please regardless of its effect on each other, especially when they play certain roles. But if they follow the policy for even one day, they begin to see how their thoughtlessness has created emotional distance.
As couples apply the policy to each of their daily plans and activities, they begin to feel cared for by each other and are encouraged by each other’s thoughtfulness. Over time, their emotional binding becomes more and more firm, and the policy becomes easier and easier to follow as they become soul mates.
Think About Spouse
Men who follow the Policy of Joint Agreement think about their wives throughout the day. When they make decisions they ask themselves how their wives would feel. Phone calls are made whenever there’s doubt. As time passes, these men become increasingly sensitive to their wives’ feelings. If men consider their wives feelings in each decision they make, asking their wives when there’s any uncertainty, they create a compatible lifestyle.
The Policy of Joint Agreement helps create understanding, emotional bonding, intimacy and romantic love in marriage. Men that learn to take their wives feelings into account meet their most important emotional needs. They also learn to overcome the selfish habits that make their wives so unhappy, because these habits don’t meet the standard of mutual agreement. Over time, they experience what every couple hopes to create in marriage: A loving and compatible relationship.
A woman doesn’t leave the man who has invited her into every room of his house. That’s because she doesn’t stand outside the rooms of his house feeling like a stranger. She’s welcomed into his entire home as his cherished life partner.
This article was featured in the New Man Magazine (which is no longer being published). This magazine provided wisdom and encouragement to men from the approach of real masculinity and Christianity. Even though this was an American Magazine, it also provided international subscription services.
Dr Willard Harley, who is a well known author and speaker. He has a great web site that you may want to check out at marriagebuilders.com. It has a lot of very helpful articles plus a Discussion Forum that is also available for your use.
If you have tips you can share to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Separation and Divorce
Wow, this describes my feelings, which led to my divorce exactly. I’ve strove for nearly 15 years to keep this relationship growing and thriving, but finally gave up basically when I realized it wasn’t possible. I was the only one working at it. My life was hopeless and lonely. I’m certain that many men have legitimate complaints in their marriage and there is always “the other side” in any case. But if someone reads this and wonders if it’s true, I would say resoundingly YES. I wasn’t relegated to a single room, I was left out in the street looking in.
To Christine, i feel very bad for you as well, and it is just very sad that the good men and women just can’t seem to connect with one another nowadays. i hate so very much going out all over again after my wife of 15 years cheated on me which i was a very caring and loving husband that was very much committed to her as well. I am certainly not into the bar scene, since it is like a meat market trying to find a good woman for me. my aunt and uncle were very fortunate to have met one another in Junior High School many years ago which they have just celebrated their 65th year together, and i was there. back then it was much easier meeting one another, and now it has become so very difficult which it is very sad for many of us that are still looking.
Hello. I found your site a year ago when I was looking up divorce papers, which I never proceeded with. Maybe someone will help with advice. We have what feels like unresolvable marital issues. Me and my husband are very, very poor. I am disabled, with a progressive illness. I was disabled when he married me. He was adamant that he did not care and will love me regardless.
We are married for five years now, extremely broke because I can’t work and my husband is badly dyslexic and only can work minimum wage jobs. After striking it out in the big city on our own for a few years and nearly ending up completely homeless, we had to move in with his parents, which we of course didn’t want to do. My husband has been out of work for two years, but finally found another one and is working the minimum wage job now.
We were started having issues very soon after we lived together, even in our own apartment when times where not that tough, mainly because of constant lack of money. We would have an argument (me asking him not to spend money on something, or me asking him to maybe get a second job, etc.), and he would physically attack me and get abusive. It has lasted two years. I had nowhere to go, to be honest, and each time he told me he loves me and it would stop. When we moved in with his parents, I told them about it after they heard me cry. They made him go to the Anger Management class, plus I promised him I will report him to the police, which the stopped physical abuse but he became very rude instead.
It’s much less scary, but now it’s mostly rudeness and neglect. He admitted that he shouldn’t have physically hurt me and said he was sorry and he did not do it again. But in an argument he often tells me that I was responsible for ‘causing him to hurt me” and it makes me scarred because I feel that he is not sorry he can hurt me; he is just afraid to be arrested. He can be very sweet at times and completely ignore me the other. In fact, he comes home from work and sits and watches TV, and if I ask him to do anything he snaps and starts a long fight digging in my past, telling me that i should do chores too (I do a lot but due to disability can’t do too much), mock me., etc., and never stops until I cry.
He often would lie about me in my face or call me a name and immediately deny he sad it. When one of his parents walks by he suddenly changes his tone of voice and acts like he has been sweet and I’m the one who’s crazy. He prefers not to be bothered about anything, just watches TV and if I talk to him gets snappy and God forbid I ask him to do a chore he promised, he always gets angry. Sex between us is almost non-existent, because I’m more ill now than I was when we met, and need more gentle approach and definitely need him to spend enough time with me on this, which I asked him many a time and he ignored it.
He doesn’t even want to spend time with our dog that he says he loves, and when I try for us to do something together like walk the dog and play with him, he just rushes me to go home because he is cold/tired/mosquitos bite him/he left his cigarettes at home, etc.. In fact, all fights start when I either want him to talk to me, or ask him to do something I cannot do myself. He is only seemingly happy when TV is on, no matter what is on it, and when he play video games which we are both fond of but I prefer real life and he does not. We have been in the in-laws house for two years instead of 3 months like we agreed. We can barely afford my medicine and food for both of us although he promises me each week to start looking for a better job, but gets angry when I remind him of it. In fact, he got his current job because I found it myself, designed his resume for him, and helped him through every step of every job application because of his dyslexia, and dragged him to internet cafes to type for him to search for work, wrote emails to employers, etc.
Whenever I’m with him, he just sits and stares at TV, and when I ask him to talk to me he says I don’t let him, which makes no sense. It’s just going more and more downhill. I feel constant guilt that I can’t go and make money for us, but I can’t even get better because we simply can’t afford to manage my illness. My husband feels like he is not doing anything wrong, and I’m just being a nagging wife. He promised me five times to quit smoking, on his own, without me asking, to save us some money, but each time he tried he became physically aggressive and told me he doesn’t want to be my ‘slave” and do what I want to, and it was over. I don’t really know what to do, and kind of gave up. I do chores in his parents house. I take care of our dog, I cook as much as I can, but I can’t work physically and can’t leave here. Maybe anyone have any advice?
Kat, what country are you living in? Is it the United States?
I have a better explanation as to why women seek divorce twice as much as men. God HATES divorce. Satan LUSTS FOR divorce. Satan blew up Eden by going through Eve and tricking her. It is called Adam’s sin, because the man is the head of the house. 90% of divorces happen because one spouse does not want to work on the marriage. In my mind, that spouse is spiritually dead. To go against God’s will, intentionally and to honor Satan with his most prized victory, to live in unforgiveness and put one’s self before the Will of their God, their poor children and the vow them made to God is the essence of a spiritual death and someone choosing a life of the flesh over the new life God has promised to those who are born again.
God is clear in scripture that the only way He sees a marriage ended is upon death -either physical or spiritual. His goal is to have saved married couples in eternity -so he is separating the wheat from the chaff with divorce.
Someone in that marriage is either unsaved, not born again or spiritually dead -and the other is usually (and hopefully) saved. Sometimes it’s the man, sometimes it’s the woman. Sometimes it’s the cheater, sometimes it’s the cheatee. Sometimes it’s the divorcer, sometimes it’s the divorcee. In every single marriage and divorce that has gone on around me and in my life, and the more I read scripture, the more I see ‘easy-believism’ Christians making excuses for divorce and God hating it and the more I see one spiritually alive person and one spiritually dead person.
That is up to that person and God on judgment day. I never understood why Jesus said that the path to destruction was wide and only a few would find the gates to heaven. I do now. I’m not legalistic and don’t think you are going to go to Hell for getting a divorce – I just think that a divorce is a SYMPTOM of someone who is not saved and not right with the Lord. It is the FRUIT of our salvation… or not.
I pray for anyone in a divorce situation and their poor children. I pray they seek God’s will and don’t follow Satan down a rathole. Your story was written long ago and you will answer for how you treated your spouse come judgment day. And, like my grandfather taught me -it is not the sin for you will be judged for, but rather, how you responded to God and the person you sinned against, AFTER your sin. Repentance is not being sorry, but turning from that sin and reconciling your relationship you damaged.
I’m not praying for the broken hearted – I’m praying for the ones who are not walking with Christ and not saved and that they be saved, repent from their sins and reconcile the relationships and choose love.
My husband has been gone for over 15 months. It seems like I’m the only one trying. I read, read call, pray, pray, and pray harder. Some days I’m so nervous and scared that I text over and over looking for reassurance. I ask him, do you love me; are you coming home? Each time he replays, yes, yes, yes… I’m so confused because everything I suggest doesn’t happen, and he still hasn’t returned. I’m not a dumb lady, and although he blames me for all it, I know the reason is another woman, and that’s heart breaking.
I don’t confront, because he is already gone, and I don’t want him to completely shut me out. I’m all out of reading material :(, and just tired. I’m broken, and I miss him so much. I’ve been strong, and believed everything he has said to me, and that is “he is returning.” What can a wife do? I do believe in God. I’ve tried being quiet, staying away, but it seems time isn’t my friend. I’m afraid if I do what everyone is teling me, no contact, he will just give up. Please pray for me and my husband. Pray for us.
Angela, I can sure appreciate your heart and the desperation you feel. It has to feel like you husband is slipping through your hands and if you don’t grab on all the tighter, you’ll lose him completely. But I have to ask you, how’s this working for you –to be grabbing at him in desperate neediness even though you know that he’s playing around with other women? (I read your other comment under another article). You and I both know the harsh reality is that he is dipping his toe in the pool of playing around. The text and such to other women (plus the lying to cover it up) is the tip of the iceberg here. I wish I could say it isn’t so but he is enjoying the chase and even though he shouldn’t, he’s running strong.
I know this is breaking your heart and when our hearts are breaking and we feel we are losing the one we love, we can do desperate things. But if you keep coming off as being all needy and grabby… being a “high maintenance” person with no self-respect or self-worth going on for you, other than being his wife, can’t you see that it will crowd him and tempt him to want to escape that stronghold all the more? Your being “nervous and scared” and texting him “over and over looking for reassurance” can cause him to become “nervous and scared” to be saddled and strung up in that situation for life –especially when he has other women, who appear less needy (at this point) throwing themselves at him.
As difficult as it is, you need to NOT appear so desperate. You need to reach deep within, asking God to give you the strength to put this in His hands, and to not be so needy. If he continues on this cheating path, which he shouldn’t –it doesn’t say much about his integrity or his commitment to the vows he made with you… your desperation won’t bring him back. As long as he sees you as this clingy, desperate, crying, nervous, confused, unsure, grabby person who is willing to be his rug that he can step upon or over to go where he wants to go, I believe he will continue to do so. Obviously, he’s not feeling sorry for you or his actions. Obviously, he is denying his conscience and is giving into the temptations that are presenting themselves. That’s a strong (and wrong) tonic to drink… and he’s doing his share of drinking.
There’s a book I recommend you read. It’s written by Dr James Dobson and it’s a good one for you to read right now in your desperation. It’s titled,Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis
… I really encourage you to read it. The principles are sound. I looked through the chapters again to make sure it would apply here and it most certainly does. He even has testimonies in it from other women who were as desperate as you are to get their husbands back and what they did.
Angela, what I’m trying to explain, even though this will be the toughest thing you will probably ever have to do, is that you need to stand up straight and approach this situation in a way that exhibits “strength under control.” As difficult as that will be, if you don’t, I’m afraid that your husband will feel suffocated and will run in the other direction. The other approach hasn’t worked so far. 15 months is a long, long time. Please try to look at this from a cheating man’s view. What will be more appealing? A woman who appears to have it together and perhaps appears to be “moving on” even though you won’t be… or a clingy, desperate, choking person with no self-worth going on?
I’m not saying for you to bring another man into the situation and date and such. That would be as wrong as your husband is. But I’m saying that you clean yourself up, get a life, and do what you can to be an appealing woman who he will WANT to be with. This would be good for you, as well as for your situation. Please read the book, pray, do your best to take this one day (or hour) at a time, and don’t project into the future what will happen. I’ve seen worse marital situations completely turn around. There is still hope. But I dare say that there will be little if you keep going on as you are… at least that’s how I see it. Please prayerfully consider what I’m saying here. I hope you will. I pray for you Angela, and I pray for your husband. I’m SO sorry you are going through this. I pray you will have a brighter future… this is indeed a dark cloud time in your life. I hope those clouds blow away soon. My prayers are with you.
I have stumbled onto this article in great agony as I too face the lack of empathy I am currently experiencing in my marriage. I am so lonely and neglected emotionally -my husband works long hours and the time off he gets he go out alone and never comes home.
Being a Christian I have done all there is to do to try and resolve our conflicts by going to seek intervention both in Church and from psychologists and I have now come to a hurtful conclusion that it is time to let go as it hurts too much and I need to move on.
I am sad for our children but I know that God will bring about a solution to the journey I am about to take. I cannot force someone to care, nor be interested in me.
An easier headline. Why do relationships fail? Why do people leave each other?
Well, nowadays women are sleeping around more than ever, and that is very sad for us serious men looking for one woman to settle down with.
I wish I could report that this is sensible advice and that this will work in the 21st century, but I can’t. This is from a husband who tried for years and years to make his wife happy, then if not happy at least just mollified. It led to late passionate nights for us all right. If you consider arguments long into the night passionate. The one place it didn’t lead was where I desperately wanted to go, the bedroom. We’re divorced now, and I’m reduced to be the sort of dad that I never ever wanted to be.
Much of this boils down to “make her happy” which is nothing more than an ever growing black hole that will totally wreck any man that tries it. Not only will this approach emotionally exhaust him as he tries to meet an ever growing and often contradictory list of demands, and that is what it is, of behaviors from his wife, it isn’t going to lead him to some sort of promised land. The problem is that women, in fact, are generally placing demands on a man that he’s neither meant nor suited for.
“I hurt all the time because I feel alone and abandoned.” Yet your $200,000 home with $100,000 of all the latest stuff inside is getting paid for, right?
“My husband is no longer my friend.” Fair enough, why don’t you ask him to go do stuff with him? You have by now made your opinion of his friends obvious.
“The only time he pays attention to me is when he wants sex.” In the past a man coming in from the fields, washing up, and wanting sex after dinner was considered normal.
“He’s never there for me when I need him the most.” No wonder, you never have sex with him anyway.
“When he hurts my feelings he doesn’t apologize.” It doesn’t matter if he does or not, at this point you are going to hold it against him any way.
“He lives his life as if we weren’t married; he rarely considers me.” How often do you consider his needs? Sex became icky about a year after marriage unless you wanted a baby, right?
“We’re like ships passing in the night, he goes his way and I go mine.” Well, you aren’t having to touch him, which is what most women seem to want after they marry.
“My husband has become a stranger to me —I don’t even know who he is anymore.” Nope, remember he liked watching football and baseball before you got married. It was you that started demanding more and more for what you gave away freely before you married.
“He doesn’t show any interest in me or what I do.” So find friends that do. Just because you married doesn’t mean that all of your interests and hobbies are the same. Were you perhaps confused and believed you were marrying another woman?
I think your wife made absolutely the right decision in leaving you. Your comments strike me as being selfish, insensitive, dismissive of her needs and feelings, and the opposite of kind, caring, loving. If God worked a miracle, you might change, but I’m guessing your wife knew this leopard wouldn’change his spots anytime soon.
I think we should be careful to justify anyone leaving his or her spouse…after all we have no idea of the true story or what GODs plan is. I do believe J is misguided in his comments because nothing he mentioned was based on loving her unconditionally and vice versa. This simple principle is hard for some to grasp which is why GODs spirit has to be in both husband and wife in order for a marriage to reach its full potential. However as the husband it is our job to lead the family in love as GOD intended and let HIS spirit live in us to begin living in our wife.
This principle I unfortunately hadn’t learned early in my marriage and now my wife is convinced I do not love her and therefore she wants to move on from this marriage. However I know what GOD can do and who HE is. As HE changes my heart to love unconditionally I will believe that HE will touch her heart to see HIS spirit in me.
J from United States is spot on! I am convinced that the decades-long notion of chasing each other’s needs is the single reason for the sorry state of marriage today. There is simply no end to fulfilling the emotional needs of any person who has no concept of his or her own emotional self-agency and responsibility, let alone the ability to manage his or her own internal emotional dialogue.
Today’s adults have been raised to expect that their needs should somehow be met by the one they are attracted to. This needs-based concept of relationships and the enduring “meet my needs or else…” mentality it produces only destroys marriages and offers no possible hope for the success of any intimate relationship. Individual’s needs as expressed in today’s relationship discussions are infinite, undetermined, and even arbitrary when an emotionally immature person expects these needs to be satisfied by another person. It’s absurd.
Only a person who has the awareness, maturity, and the conscious integrity to support themselves emotionally in order to join – and remain joined – to another along the journey of life, possess the true character to be a real spouse. If your spouse lacks this character, you are married to little more than an obstinate child. Marriage is only for real emotionally competent adults who can contribute to one another. It’s long past time to get off the crazy train of “meet my needs”. The worst advice ever.
I’m so sorry to see that even after a divorce, you still cannot take any responsibility for any part you may have had. The comment that prompted me to respond was: “I hurt all the time because I feel alone and abandoned” to which you replied “yet your $200,000 home with $100,000 of all the latest stuff inside is getting paid for, right?” This is the one that drives me crazy! Guys just can’t seem to understand that it’s NOT about money or possessions. Providing for your woman and providing love for your woman are two entirely different things. Money cannot buy your woman’s love nor can it buy her happiness. Eventually she is going to want,and should have, more of the little things like, kisses and cuddles and all the things that show her that she is irreplaceable to you.
When a woman says she feel alone and abandoned, trust me she knows that you provide for her monetarily, but what she really wants is you to show her that love, affection and attention that you used to show her all the time. I just hope for your own happiness with future women that someday you can look at the big picture and see that you very well may have had an important role in why your marriage ended. Maybe she wasn’t just crazy and unpleasable like you may think.
Yes… you are describing the feminist thinking in it’s total clarity. Entitled, often selfish attitude of woman…men can and do try, but woman can be emotionally exhausting and often don’t even know what they themselves want because their roles in culture have been so confused. Happy one day, miserable the next. Darn bipolar culture. Woman often are thinking well if he changes and makes an effort, so will I…. ha, ha, yeah, right. If your wife is emotionally immature or damaged chances are nothing will change even if you do try, until she makes a decision to transform her life and thinking.
A better title would be “Why every relationship breakdown is the mans’ fault.”
This is exactly why my marriage broke down.
We have only been married for more than a year yet it feels like as if we’ve been fighting all our lives. It’s very obvious to the both of us that the main cause is my impulsiveness and short temperedness. I want everything my way and he always says I’m a spoiled brat. Aside from this, I’ve got no stable job since we got married. And he is left to pay all our bills.
To be really honest, I feel so down and depressed of not having a job to support my personal needs. He thinks I’m being stubborn and lazy while he works so hard for our future. We have no kids yet and everyday I’m left alone at home. His job is very demanding and tidious that most of the time he feels he has no time to relax at all. When he arrives home he opts to be alone to relax. He doesn’t want to engage in any conversation with me unless it is his interest.
Lately he has been going out with his friends for a drink and goes home between 2 am to 5 am in the morning. When I question him why, he says he has been working 6 days a week and that he needed some time to relax. I get angry because we rarely go out and yet he makes time for his friends. He says he doesn’t want to be with me because I’m a war freak and he is stressed out when he’s with me. I admit I get upset easily and that’s when we start to fight. I get upset because I feel neglected and unwanted.
My husband and I had been married for more than 25 years. For a lot of years we follow ” His needs and her needs.” We used to have date nights and he used to bring me flowers or chocolates. We have been doing ministry in a difficult and very stressful area for 18 years.
Ten years ago he started drinking heavily. Then I found out that he is suffering from depression. His drinking became a burden to me and to our 4 grown up girls. I started losing sleep because I worry about his health and the side effect of alcohol since he is taking an anti-depressant, sleeping pills and anti-anxiety medicine.
He became emotionally distant. I thought we have very good marriage and a lot of people say we are a perfect couple with a beautiful family. Recently he said that the song” wake me up inside” by Evanescense is what he has been feeling for ten years and that story “Silver Chair” by CS Lewis is very similar to what is happening to him.
His depression is affecting our marriage and he said he does not have emotion or feel any love towards me. He has been sleeping in his office. He said he is very confused. We still live like husband and wife but I am afraid to lose him because of his mental sickness. Please pray for our family.
I only have one thing to say. You stated in this article that men often say they feel that for all their effort all they get it criticism. So basically they stop trying. As for myself and most other women I’ve talked to who have been unsatisfied in their marriages. The criticism has usually only started after our men have started ignoring us. By ignoring us, I mean that they come home from work and get on their computers or make plans with friends or do something other than spend time with their wives.
Their wives either work full time or spend the entire day taking care of household tasks and taking care of the kids if they have any, and all their husband does when he gets home is plop himself in front of the computer or TV, wait for his dinner to be cooked, eat, MAYBE butter his wife up for sex, go to bed. The wife is left cleaning up the kitchen. But then men complain that all women do is criticise them. I’m sorry, but I’m no man’s maid that he happens to have sex with. Husbands and wives are supposed to be friends and partners.
Of course men don’t think anything is wrong with the marriage, as long as the wife is there to clean up after him, cook for him, and have sex with him when he wants it. And most women I know, including myself, are NOT exaggerating the scenario. We really are left with most of the daily work around the house, no matter if we’re housewives or career-minded women. How can any man expect his women to be excited about bedroom action when he ignores her outside of the bedroom…or when he DOES pay attention to her outside of the bedroom, it’s for the soul purpose of scoring points to earn bedroom action?
Wow! I couldn’t have said that any better! Exactly how my marriage is and that is why I am getting divorced. He sees nothing wrong with the marriage as long as I continue to do everything for him, when he wants it. God forbid I am tired, or sick. Well after 25 years of this, I have had enough. Yes I have lost respect for him, but I gained respect for myself!
It gets frustrating, especially after 25 years. Not only do I manage 98% of the house, I also have a lot of negativity coming from him. He mocks me if I ask if we can pray before dinner. I no longer tell him if he does anything to upset me because he will store that information away to try and pin on me and say “See, you do it, too!” If I suggest outings or doing anything I get “Why would I (we) want to do that?!” I am trying to make a life for myself with friends and stay out of his way as much as possible. I spent years being available to him and trying to do everything for his convenience, but he always finds something to get mad about. He refused to dance with me a a wedding. He tried to get out of going at the last minute, too. I usually go by myself, but this was an important one. Then he wouldn’t dance with our teenage daughter for the father/daughter dance although she was asking him and standing in front of him the whole time. He doesn’t even care if I have a plate in my hand of dinner and have not even sat down to eat, he’ll argue and ask pointed questions about the most mundane things while my blood sugar is dropping and my feet are aching from grocery shopping. Asking him to do something gets such a resentment or outright attitude “You mean, now?” I love him and am sad. At least I realize that it’s him and not me that is the problem, as I believed for years. His parents are the same as him.
What happens when the rooms in the mans house do not feature any of the mans qualities or belongings? Not that one is perfect but the Mother of your offspring and even the offspring are working on only needing him when it is convenient and is meeting there needs and almost none of your own? Would that he was comfortable in any of the rooms, which are taken up by the space of her happiness. Is he not to understand the agreement was made with vows such as til death do we part in front of our Heavenly Father?
Beautiful response.
If the rooms are focused on only the man, at any point, the marriage is null in spirit. If any of the rooms are focused only on the woman, the marriage is null in spirit. Apparently you missed the point of Joint Agreement. Yes, every room has your LIFE PARTNER involved, because that is what marriage is, a joining of lives and spirits, but it also has to happen with BOTH agreeing enthusiastically and not begrudgingly. Which means, Mr. Resentment, you have to learn to communicate with your partner about these things and find middle ground.
Dr. Harley should pay attention to Dr. Laura.
I can see where you are coming from – consideration for each other is extremely important in a team, especially when they are growing a “Tree of Life” – their family and the generations to come. However, one major point has been overlooked. We are to go to God for ALL of our needs FIRST. There is NO way that we can expect our human husband to meet all of our needs.
There are some instances above where acting with faith, giving grace and trusting in the Lord for obedience may not be enough. Sometimes, as mentioned in the biblical based book “Boundaries” you will need to physically separate yourself from them (sometimes only for a night) to allow the others heart to soften and for God to work in them. Sometimes this can take WAY longer than just one night. Especially if the attitude is passed down through generations. I say this as a former disgruntled wife who was constantly complaining and expecting my husband to meet my EVERY need! I was working from a very “unconscious” mindset, built into me by a feminist line of women (not to mention, influenced by the world!) and I was vitriolic in my disgust and disappointment in my husband.
Needless to say, my husband gave up. We lived separate (but it wasn’t super clear, as intercourse was still requested, although he was talking to another woman regularly and giving her attention) but under the same roof due to finances. Then when it became obvious and I “broke” in disbelief, I went to stay at my grandparents for two nights. I read Galations 5:19-21.
Summarised roughly: When you follow the ways of the world, (greed, selfish ambition, coveting) you get “anger, bitterness, jealousy, lust, greed, murder, sexual immorality etc The penny dropped… This was me… This is what I was doing! I was expecting my husband to BE everything I needed, GIVE me everything that I wanted AND allow me to be WHATEVER I wanted – despite the fact that we have 3 children together who need care and support too. My feminist ideals led me to believe that I was entitled to that. And if he didn’t provide all of that, then I had the right to expect it from someone else instead.
We both come from divorced families, and my empathetic, kindhearted and caring husband was worn out from bending over backwards to please me – and came to realise that I was never satisfied. Believe me, at this point I realise that my story differs from other wives, who may be experiencing this selfish attitude (at least similar, if not the same) from their husbands. It took my husband making it clear (crystal clear!) to me that we won’t work if I continue to carry on like that, and he asked me to stay elsewhere.
To put it into perspective, my attitude had caused problems for years (and my husband readily admits that he’s said and done things that he wished he did differently… That were not reflecting his love of God and respect for/obedience to biblical principles) – this was not the first time he had done this, but the fact that he was fed up to the point of looking elsewhere for affection meant I realised this literally could be THE end.
I quickly googled how to be a Christian wife before I left our home and read it at my grandparents house. At this point I was suicidal as I felt like a failure as a wife, as a mother (I was always frustrated that I couldn’t have a full on career without sacrificing them and their stability), as a career woman. At that point I surrendered… I didn’t want to cause further destruction through suicide. I had nothing left to try but living according to the bible.
My husband always believed in God. He would read the bible occasionally and he would speak about God with passion once in a while. He admitted that he had walked away from God prior to that point in our life, as he resented God for allowing him to hurt so much since he was a young child. I had grown to have a disdain for God as an adult… Seeing those who believed as weak and pathetic, with my knowledge of wives submitting to their husbands being my basis for this judgement.
However, that day I realised that it’s just a book of common sense! When you CHASE and WORSHIP material goods at all costs, you sacrifice emotional health. When you submit to your husband, and likewise your husband loves and protects you, you are being a good TEAM! Every workplace has a boss, BUT that boss must show care for his workers (and that he values them) or the workers WILL want to find a new workplace.
To cut an even longer story short, I gave my heart to God that day – 24 May 2015, and started to read the bible and learn how to be a good wife. I started taking our children to church every Sunday from May 31 2015. My husband was VERY angry with me at first, believing that I was just tricking him etc. He was angry, resentful, distrusting, fed up, exhausted and dying to escape the hell that was our relationship.
Slowly I began restraining my mouth (Proverbs 29:11) and gave my husband grace for not believing me. I worked on looking to God for making me feel I am loved enough (instead of harassing my husband to make me feel amazing because of my own insecurities and beliefs around inadequacy) I started believing that God had put me on this path for a reason – to correct the family tree for both of us, and to build a legacy for GOD!
I started doing good because it is good for God. We are called to be his hands and feet in the world. And I started by doing good WITHIN my nuclear family – as that is the season I am in, and that is where God wants me to do his work right now. (Mind you, financially we still needed me to work, but I shut down my separate business where I was trying to make a heap of money from consulting in order to move out and be a self-sufficient woman! I cut down my normal work from 3 days per week to 2 days per week) I shifted my focus and energy to being my husband’s help mate – and I aimed to do it joyfully!
It is, after all, a privilege! Our marriage was still on shaky ground. Although my husband liked the changes, he didn’t trust that it would last, and he wasn’t sure if he could find softness toward me again.
He was also actively engaging in viewing porn daily (and masturbating to it) and drinking alcohol too frequently (daily, sometimes starting at lunch) to calm his anxiety. He was also struggling after the suicide of his sister, and death of his mother within a couple of years of each other. At this point we hadn’t slept in the same bed for almost 1.5 years straight! (Although our sex life was still very active – that has NEVER been a problem)
So needless to say, there was a LOT of hurt on both sides (and believe me, I had previously raved on and on and gotten REALLY angry at him for his habits – which did no good) Instead I asked God to help me change. I submitted my husband to God in prayer (I never told him that!) I just told God you can have my everything, my marriage, my past, my future, my children, God! I pray that you work in ME to create change.
And so he did. I no longer chided my husband for his sins – instead I prayed for God to work on him. I no longer bought into his jibes at me and sarcastic comments that came from his hurt. I gave him grace, held my tongue and cried out to God when I went to the bathroom for a break from his anger at me. I accepted that our marriage may end because of the irreparable damage I had done along the way.
I accepted that I needed to practice Gods principles for a biblical marriage knowing that ours may end (not through my own choice) and then I would be left wondering if I can even have another relationship again! This meant sacrificing all of my selfish wants and needs for relationship with a man and looking to God and his promise of eternal life for fulfilment.
This was VERY hard, but step by step, God began to work in both of us. Sometimes I needed to hold my tongue so badly against my husbands self-righteousness and pride surrounding his own sin and views, but I’m so glad I did. If I continued to argue with him about it, it wouldn’t have given God the room to work on him – instead it would have created a resistance within him. I believe in rebuking (and repenting) between husbands and wives, as God calls us into marriage to develop us to become more like him. However, when anger and pride come in, sometimes all we can do is define our boundaries and pray!!
On March 13 this year we were both water baptised, along with our middle daughter. Our family has changed SO much. We no longer spend hours or days arguing! We have each other as number one in our priorities. We put our family first, before all others with regards to decision making. It took time, a lot of tears and hurt (and feeling like I’m the only one that God is working on!) and holding my tongue. But over time, I’ve become like the wife 1 Peter 3:1 – winning over my husband without words but with my behaviour.
We now go to church regularly together as a family, we sleep in the same bed every night and we CARE for each other AND our legacy. I used to never give him room to do his own thing or have a hobby (or even go to work!) without being suspicious (purely because of my cheating father) but now if he doesn’t feel like coming to church, I don’t guilt trip him, and I don’t question him – I just let him be himself. He still struggles to do that for me, but we are getting there!
(For example, he shares his dreams of changing careers which means him studying full time and then entering into full time plus overtime work for up to 10 years, or retraining as a guitarist and I get nervous or scared but I don’t share it with him or get angry or stop him from saying it. Whereas when I do, I instantly get in trouble for it, despite the fact that I have said over and over, I do not want to sacrifice my family for my career any longer). I know that simply because of my habit of putting me first for song long (15 years) he still struggles to trust that I’ve changed completely. And so I give him grace, and share my feelings about trying to be open with him.
And sometimes it’s 2 steps forward, 1 step back. But everyday is better with God!!!
My comments above are trying to address the fact that NO SINGLE person will ever meet your needs.
As a woman I’ve had to learn to control myself as I had a lack of self-control. I have had to make a concerted effort to try to balance my emotion with logic.
I threw terrible tantrums as though I was 2-3 based on my feelings.
I would manipulate my husband through pouting and complaining or blackmail.
To be honest, it’s a true testament to God’s glory – the fact that he still loves me – despite my sins.
While it is obvious that men need to consider their woman’s feelings, at the same time women need to recognise that their man has needs too, and is human, and will never be able to fulfil all the fantasies Hollywood try to sell us.
We have grown up looking to Hollywood for role models of how to live life, not the Bible.
It’s time that we, as Christian woman, dig into the Bible and learn our duties from it, and then pass on our knowledge to our daughters.
The same applies to Christian men.
Blessings for our families and our “Tree of Life” will flow when we get back to basics – pursuing wisdom on playing our role in our relationship and/or family- and not being sold on the *magical thinking fantasies* sold via Hollywood AND social media!
We should be concerned with pursuing WISDOM from God ahead of anything else – especially material wealth or reputation.
From this wisdom, we will be reminded of the basics such as giving grace, rebuking, repenting, forgiveness, unconditional love and fulfilling the covenant.
(Obviously for those affected by adultery, there is biblical scripture allowing divorce)