There was no hope in his eyes as he faced me. “She walked out on me,” he said. “She just called me at work one day and said, ‘I’ve had it. I’m leaving.'” He tried to control the tremor around his mouth. “I realize now that much of it was my fault. I guess she tried to talk to me before this. …”
As I listened, I realized the truth of what he’d said. She had tried to tell him. When their son was born, she hadn’t wanted to go back to work immediately. But he pressured her, telling her that they needed her income. She nagged some and later grew severely depressed. But he didn’t think her depression had anything to do with him or with being away from their son.
She Tried to Talk
Actually, that wife had pushed every button she had available to make him listen to her pain and anger. But he was oblivious to her inner cries. He worked two jobs so he wasn’t home much. But more importantly, even when he was home, he failed her emotionally.
Somewhere in time, she decided that the pain of divorce was more bearable than the hurt of being in the same house when they were emotionally at opposite ends of the earth. So she walked out. What she did wasn’t right, but I can understand it. It was probably a last desperate attempt to get her husband’s attention. She got it, all right, but it came too late.
I wonder how many broken relationships are due to a similar scenario. I wonder how many men are in the process this very moment of distancing their wives by failing to understand their needs. We’re talking about the need to be listened to, to have feelings and emotions validated by their husband’s concentrated attention and understanding.
Men Do Have Emotional Needs
It’s not that men don’t need emotional support and intimacy —they do, of course. I know some men who have as great a need for relating on an emotional, feeling, subjective level as any woman. They are often the counselors, those others turn to when in trouble, the pastor-shepherds. But as my wife Carole and I have listened to couples, we find that in the average marriage, it’s generally a matter of degree. And the women’s need usually seems greater. It is she who most often longs for soul-to-soul communication. She feels like she never quite has that desire met by her spouse. She needs to talk to him and have him talk to her in connective ways.
The following incident appeared in a recent article [in Readers Digest Magazine, “Why Husbands Won’t Talk”].
They wrote:
Judy, an artist, was worried about preparations for an exhibition. She started to talk to Cliff, her husband that she wanted his support and sympathy.
Instead, Cliff fired off instructions: “One, get all the artists together. Two, call your accountant—the expenses may be deductible. Three, check with the bank to see how much money you have. Four, contact the P.R. people.”
Judy felt rejected, and thought to herself: “Cliff doesn’t care how I feel. He just wants to get me off his back.”
Cliff believed he was being supportive. He had given her his best advice. But Judy was seeking emotional rapport, not problem solving.
Can You Relate?
Carole and I can relate to that! I have had to work on intimacy in communication all of our married life. It probably has to do with me being that logical, factual, objective kind of guy. I have to admit that by nature, I am a concealer of my feelings. In fact, if one side of a scale represented the ability to express feelings and the other side represented the need to conceal those feelings, Carole and I would probably balance the scales pretty well.
According to most marriage counselors, concealment is more often a trait in men, and it stems from various factors such as background, cultural expectations, perceptions of manliness, and personality. This tendency to conceal has drastic implications. James Collier says that most men think it unmanly even to admit that they have a problem —much less request aid.
He wrote:
Men in America feel that they ought to be able to deal with anything that comes along. They feel it’s an admission of failure if they’re having trouble. Some men would rather fail at their marriage or with their children than admit that something is wrong and seek a solution.
… Says marriage specialist Goldstein: “Men aren’t supposed to have sensitive, warm feelings or feelings of tenderness for the people around them—much less express them.” It is like the story of the old Vermont farmer 40 years married, who said, “I love Sarah Jane so much that sometimes it’s all I can do to keep from telling her.”
Communication patters: Spell them d-i-f-f-e-r-e-n-t.
• They’re different in the number of and reasons to talk and ask questions.
A revealer is often full of questions and sees them as a way to maintain a conversation. They think, “If I don’t ask the other person won’t know that I care.” Questions represent intimacy and caring. But not to a concealer! Now questions can represent meddling. The concealer may be thinking, “Oh, no, you don’t! You can’t pry that information out of me. If I want to tell you something, I’ll tell you —without all your questions.”
• They’re different, too, in the nature of responses to communication.
A revealer may use encouraging sounds such as “uh-huh” and “hmmm” to encourage the other person. Then they feel ignored because the concealer utters so few of these acknowledging sounds. When I listen silently, Carole sometimes asks, “Honey, are you there?”
• They’re different in the use of what some call “oneness” words such as you and we.
A revealer may use many more of such words, as well as conversational bridges such as “Please go on —would you give me another example? …”
Can you identify yourself? As I’ve said, I tend to be the concealer, and —being logical as well —I have to say that often, logical men have logical reasons for concealment! I read of a group of men who were asked their reasons for not talking. Several of them gave fairly logical reason, such as simply not being in a talkative mood, or being tired and not wanting to expend energy talking, even wanting to protect the wife when she was tired and agitated and her emotional tank was near “empty.”
But others in the group answered in ways that indicated their concealment should not be accepted at face value. Listen to these reasons some men gave:
(1) Silence helps me avoid differences of opinion when we talk.
I grew up in a family that rarely expressed strong feelings. So talking is tough, especially when I know what I have to say isn’t what my wife wants to hear.
(2) Silence protects me when I don’t want to talk.
Sometimes I don’t want to talk to my wife about certain things because I’m afraid she will use them against me.
(3) Silence maintains a balance of attachment and freedom that feels comfortable in our relationship.
Sometimes I need closeness, but other times I need distance. I’m most content with our marriage when there’s a natural ebb and flow in our interaction.
(4) Silence precludes heated explosions.
If I don’t shoot off words, I’m less likely to catch crossfire or have to pick up debris when the battle ceases.
(5) When something is bothering me, I don’t talk because my wife tends to overreact and make matters worse.
The last thing I want is someone bouncing off the walls in anger or else sniveling about it.
Did you notice a similarity in these five reasons for silence? It would appear that most of these reasons are based on self protection or comfort, not on the intimacy of the marriage or the needs of the wife.
Now of course there are times when silence is good. But to constantly conceal our feelings is bound to stifle the intimacy and closeness that our marriages demand (and most wives need) in order for us to become truly one.
One counselor puts it this way: Wives think, “The marriage is working as long as we can talk about it.” Husbands think, “The relationship is not working if we have to keep talking about it.”
So we’re different. So one of us doesn’t talk much about feelings, and the other shares freely. Can anything be done?
Different Need to Talk About Feelings
Family counselor Norm Wright says:
A woman does not have to resign herself to living with an un-expressive male. Becoming fatalistic is not the answer, and I’m not talking about divorcing him either. Don’t listen if someone tells you “Don’t be so concerned about men not expressing their feelings. That’s just the way they are!” Men may tend to be that way, but they can change. Challenges or reproaches do not work. Carefully worded invitations can work.
Men do respond initially to questions which elicit factual responses. It’s easier for a man to tell his wife what he does at work than how he feels about it. He can tell her how he did at events or school when he was growing up easier than how he feels about what he did. But starting with the facts is an introduction to the feelings.
But the revealer must be cautioned:
Mr. Wright also says that a man may finally open up to a woman only to find that what he reveals is discounted. It is shared with others, disbelieved, ridiculed, rejected, and even laughed at. Remember: safety, acceptance, and support are essential if a man is going to let down the bridge from his castle. He wants what he shares to be used for his welfare, not against him. Trust is a major issue.
This article comes from the book, Opposites Attack, by Jack and Carole Mayhall. It was originally published by NavPress (no longer being published). This book is aimed at turning your differences into opportunities and helping polar opposites turn into the best of friends. As they often say, “different doesn’t mean wrong —it just means different in the way you approach life. This is such a practical book and really gives a lot of helpful insights into how to get along better with each other.
The Silent Treatment Can Go Both Ways
Before closing this article we want to acknowledge that silent treatments can go both ways. Sometimes it is the husband who is silent, and other times it is the wife. The reasons are many, as to why they choose to be verbally non-communicative. (Sometimes it is because of abusive situations, immaturity, taking a time out, or just not knowing a better way to handle a situation. There are other reasons, as well.) But one thing for sure, prolonged silence, or misused silence can block healthy communication from happening.
To give further insights into how to deal with the “silent treatment” and how to resist giving it when it’s not a healthy thing to do, here are a few additional articles you can read:
- When Couples Give the Silent Treatment
- 5 Steps to Take if Your Spouse Gives you the Silent Treatment
Lastly:
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article. If you have a tip that can help others, please join the discussion below. We would be most grateful.
Filed under: Communication and Conflict
So to give a little background I’m 30 served in Iraq and received a purple heart for injuries during combat. I’ve been diagnosed with ptsd depression brain injury. Anxiety and insomnia for almost 10 years. I dated a woman I grew to resent for 7 years and had 3 gorgeous children. My wife is 27 has a masters degree and is from China.
We met thru craigslist, she had posted for a black guy or two. I replied and for a month she talked to me but was hesitant to meet. I was “too nice.” Finally we met and from the day after we met we were dating. Finally after about two years together we got married. I had caught her in stupid lies about guys she had been with and stuff like that. After we got married, it all came to surface.
The past two years she had told me things about myself and how special I was. All of those were lies, she had been lying this entire time. About things I was told she never did, things we had shared together. Things about my own self esteem. At the same time I was going through a custody battle for my children. Things for me were at a point so low, that I became an addict. The first time I ever did it was the day before I had a court hearing about custody. And out of nowhere I also had a drug screen. I knew I failed, and that meant I failed my children and every bit of getting custody was thrown out the door. The mother also failed and that left her parents to take custody.
I came home in tears and was met by a cold heartless woman I didn’t know. She sat playing facebook games and was annoyed by any serious talking. I begged and asked her to show she cared. Her only comment was that she said she cared and that was good enough. So now the drugs became constant, I tried and begged and even found ways to show her I was hurting. I became jealous of her computer. I couldn’t get a moment of her full attention. I started screaming and yelling, punching walls. All that did was get a response from my wife that in my mind fueled my anger. She yelled for me to hit her, that she rather I did because a door cost money. We lived in a 50000$ home, paid off. Owned two cars, paid off. Had cable internet a 50inch tv. We were not rich by any means, but we could easily afford a door. After a while, she became so money oriented that she told me she was selling her body because it was “something she didn’t mind doing, and because before we met she did it for free.”
I flat out refused telling her I wouldn’t let her. She told me that she would do it behind my back then. I couldn’t take the chance that she got hurt or arrested or anything. So I agreed to basically be a pimp. It became something that was out of control. I would spend hours upon hours in the garage because she had something set. I asked her to stop. She wouldn’t.
All the while my addiction is now spiraling out of control. I stole, I lied, I made up stupid reasons for money. And even when I gave my lie for what I needed the money for, I still told her that id rather have her show of concern and to be less cold instead of the money. Nope, money and sex was what she was willing to give. mind you were a very wild couple, so our sex life became almost separate. After so long of being apart, I wanted to be present. So I became a voyeur and it became to a point where she was more interested and had less trouble being paid by whoever. Than me being involved at all.
All the while the addiction is becoming explosive. I was at the point where I couldn’t tell her the truth because I wasn’t comfortable, but I knew I needed help. So I did the worst thing I could do. I would yell and threatan all kinds of things in the hope she would call the police on me.
Finally the night her mother came over to stay, days before we were set to move. It boiled over and we separated. I was left at our home, addicted and emotional. The day after she left im being pressured and paid to sign the house over to her mother. So basically in a matter of 2 weeks after being separated, I’m homeless with the things I could fit in my car. I was told the furniture was something I could have. Nope, sold and gave away every little piece. So basically I was kicked to the curb and abandoned. I with no influence or word from my wife, chose to get help. Not one time was that ever mentioned. And now after getting help and trying to kill myself.
This entire situation I’ve dealt with her father in law. A white male with bank fraud and owing 11 million is the person who speaks for my wife. She has told me she hates me, deleted every picture and memory from our relationship. Blocked me, And basically tells me I never loved her. And because of my addiction I made her do the things she CHOSE to do and the things I asked her not to do. And to top it all off, the only reason she isn’t still doing the money for sex. Is because I took her phone and text and emailed all the guys she saw and told them she was married. I don’t blame anyone but myself for this entire thing, but am I basically worthless and deserve this? How can I get her to even go to dinner or lunch with me? She won’t let me apologize or anything.
Buddy, you need to pay attention to fixing and loving yourself first before trying to reach out to her again. Once you have done that first, you will find that when you reach out to her the next time, one of two things will happen. She will either respond to you very positively due to the self respect she sees in you or, you will recognize that she has to fix and learn to love herself before she can respond positively to you and you will let her know that you are there for whatever she needs. Either way, you will be ok. Trust in whatever higher power you believe in to help you and it will all work out.
From a man’s perspective, it’s not a matter of men not wanting to communicate, it’s a matter of “how” to communicate. I have read and researched so much about this that I have some real opinions from a man’s perspective about this disconnect between men and women. I think that there is not a lot of sympathy for women, specifically from men, because we are just plainly exhausted by how, women in general, communicate. It is overwhelmingly comprised of complaints about how, we as men, are not meeting your needs. The deeper the conversation, the greater the criticism.
And watch out if, we men, try to communicate to you that we have needs and emotions too. If we do that, then we are insensitive and aren’t listening. When we shut down, it’s due to exhaustion from all the apologizing we have to do that falls on deaf ears. I say deaf because, obviously, the apologies are not heard due to the fact that we have to apologize for the same thing again and again and again. We also shut down out of fear that the next thing we say will set you off again into another emotional meltdown.
I am amazed at the hypocrisy that I’ve encountered in my life from women. There is a great deal of expectation with very little reciprocation. The things you want from us are not often given back in return. We feel like we are always walking on egg shells and riding on an emotional roller coaster. We rarely feel like we are heard or that you even care about our emotions because that would take the attention off of you. The difference is, we are not constantly complaining about it. We understand and accept that we are different in many ways and our nature is to make the best of what we cannot control rather than turn it into a never ending issue. We recognize our shortcomings for the most part but we don’t condemn ourselves for them.
I wish there were as many sites dedicated with advice to help women understand how a man works as there are for advice for men to understand women. I honestly believe that men work much harder to understand women to meet their needs than women ever do to understand and meet men’s needs. And trust me, sex is great and we really love it, but it doesn’t balance the scales like you want to imagine it does. If you would just reciprocate a little more, you would see miracles with the men in your lives. It is the nature of women to be narcissistic in most facets of their emotional needs with the exception of motherhood. If you dig deep inside yourselves and are truly honest with yourselves, you will believe that everything I have said here is the absolute, undeniable truth and it will change your lives.
Great article, but another rare instance, I’m in a flipped situation. My wife seems to shut down on me whenever there is something that needs to be discussed. It’s always “we’ll talk tomorrow” or “I don’t know what to say” or even just sitting there in silence. When asked why she won’t talk to me, “I don’t know what to say.”
I’ve tried telling her that I have emotional needs. She actually wants sex more than I do and I try to oblige even if I’m not feeling it at that moment. I’ve told her I don’t want to feel the need to look elsewhere for an emotional connection. She’s happy to talk about anything that doesn’t hold much meaning. She has told me that even her mother says getting stuff out of her is like “pulling teeth.” I thought it was funny, but now it scares me. How can I continue a marriage where I feel I’m the only one putting any effort forward?
Sometimes I feel all she wants is sex. Example, we needed to talk about how we need to tighten our budget. She went from full-time to part-time because she said it was too stressful. I said ok. She still hates her job. When I told her we need to change something and wanted suggestions. I offered these: get a full-time job, move somewhere cheaper, or get a roommate. She was more in favor of a roommate as she “doesn’t want a full-time job.” I don’t want a roommate and we can’t afford to move. She wants to be a trucker, but that won’t happen for a while.
I’m emotionally lost and feel like I’m living with a horny roommate due to the lack of communication. I know she cares about me, but I’m at a loss as to what to do. Don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely not perfect. I’m sure I’m not doing something right, but how would I know if she wont communicate that? Please help!
Chris, it’s difficult to know why your wife approaches life and love the way she does, but there is definitely a reason. You ask for “help.” I’m not sure if this will help or not, or if you’re a reader, but I’ve recommended the following book(s) to people in the past because it’s like getting hours and hours of therapy right at your fingertips. The following might help you in some way: – There’s a book I recommend you pick up because you might find it enlightening. It’s written by Milan and Kay Yerkovich. It’s the book, How We Love
. Kay was cool in her approach towards her husband and he was the one left wondering why she wasn’t closer (a lot like you). This book might give you insights into the distant way your wife treats you, as well. I’m thinking that this book might give you some insights that could help in some way that can’t be given through email or simple comments.
I heard Milan and Kay Yerkovich being interviewed on a Focus on the Family program. It seemed to be very helpful in explaining how everyone’s childhood impacts their love styles as adults. There are 5 types of people: Avoider, Vacillator, Pleaser, Controller and Victim. They give lots of great examples on each. The good news is, they talk about ways to improve your own communication patterns so that you can interact more effectively with your spouse. They believe that through prayer, and learning improved communication methods, a relationship can be improved. Even if you’re the only one making conscious changes, it creates a shift in the relationship.
There’s another book –one that I haven’t read, but it comes highly recommended. It’s written by Dr Tim Clinton and is titled, Attachments: Why You Love, Feel, and Act the Way You Do
. Again, it looks insightful. I hate to throw books at you as a solution (I realize that some people just don’t want to go that route; they’d prefer a 1,2,3 solution card given to them, where once they read it or have it given to them, they follow those “solutions” and BAM! Their problem is resolved). But I’m not thinking this problem is that easily solved. And truthfully, even though we never expect the “worse” to come into effect when we marry and promise to love and work together, “for better or worse” … it DOES happen. I hope you’ll pick up the books, prayerfully glean through them to see what help and insight you can obtain. It’s sure worth the effort. God bless.
Hello, I’ve been married for 20 years. We have three children. Our situation is the opposite. My husband is the revealer and myself being the concealer. Throughout our years I believe I’ve become the concealer due to past times of opening up to him about certain things, like having an eating disorder as a teen and still struggle with certain things to this day. For him to use it against me. Telling me I have mental issues. I have always been on an antidepressant, which he used this against me, making me feel inadequate.
Please don’t think I sit around having a pity party. I don’t and I’m very confidant in who I am. I wish my husband would “value” for who I am. He wants me to do things his way, so he has told me. He insists his way will be better and everything will go so much more smoothly lol, and I’ll be happy also. I really try to understand him and try to see where he’s coming from. It’s hard; my brain doesn’t work that way.
He handles all money, even money I inherited. He tells me to get a job but when I do he gets upset because I don’t discuss it first with him. I thought he would be happy…but nope. Threatens divorce when I don’t conform to his ways. Threatens not paying for our oldest child college if I don’t ask him before buying ANYTHING. Questions my parenting abilities. My boys, especially my middle, pretends he’s busy or preoccupies himself when my husband comes home from work. And yes I’ve tried talking to my husband about that. He blames me for how the kids perceive him, which I’m not that parent that uses her kids to bash her husband. They’re old enough to see and know what’s right and wrong.
I honestly can’t say I like talking to him. Everything I share with him has always been used against me. I want to feel safe, treated as an equal, feel I have a purpose in this relationship, uncontrolled, respected, valued, etc… I could go on and on. And yes, I have voiced my thoughts and feelings to him, only to be put down and blamed for “his behavior” to be the cause to his actions. For this reason, I choose to stay silent. Thanks again, Kelley
So sorry Kelly, that you find yourself in this place. I’m reminded of the article at http://host.agencysrvr.com/~marriage/how-well-do-you-encourage-honesty/. Some spouses just don’t get it as far as what they do that keeps us from being able to be more connected and open to them, which ushers in a deeper love. Some will never get it, and others will get it late… waking up eventually. I don’t know what it is with your husband. I hope he eventually has an “ah-ha” moment and stops judging you and your motives the way he does. It definitely makes us want to clamp up and only talk on surface levels, at best.
All you can do is the best you can do. Be careful to guard your heart though, because you are vulnerable to be swept away into an emotional affair (if not more). We might not think we would let ourselves get into that place, but when we hunger for more from our spouse (which we SHOULD expect) and we don’t get it, we need to be aware of temptation, which we could fall into. Don’t allow your need to drag you into falling into doing, that which you shouldn’t. It’s so good that your boys have a parent they can look up to and count as someone who is there for them, unconditionally.
I’ve seen some spouses wake up later in life… so it IS possible. So, you might want to see if you can trust him with small things from time to time. But if not, just do the best you can –being smart and watching how he handles the money, and guarding your heart –finding good (safe) friends you can talk to about deeper issues. He will lose out, by his own doing, and so will you and your boys. It’s sad… but I have to tell you that I’m proud of you for trying to stay as positive about things as you can. May the Lord give you points of light within your life that will make your heart smile :)
I really would like some advice please. My husband left me 4 months ago, and he has not made any attempt to contact me unless it’s me the one initiating the communication. I suffer from chronic depression and I had tried to take my life away. He was always supportive of me, even me being so sick. I tried my best to keep my head above water, but he told me that my illness has affected him even though I didn’t know to what extent. I apologized for him going through this with me and for the damage that it had affecting him.
I offered to go marriage counseling or counselor help for both or which ever way he wanted it to go – with me or without me. He said maybe he will go by himself, but never happened. He started to change and is angry at me for everything that went bad and he puts the blame at me. So, he said that he needed space to think things over and I agreed even though it hurts so bad. He started changing the bank accounts only to his name, credit cards he removed me from any access even my cell phone. Since it was under his name he removed me from the access of making any changes. And he said that he wants a divorce.
I just couldn’t believe what I heard. He just dropped the hugest bomb on me, and I freaked out and we got to an argument and told him that it was not fair because I had agreed that he needed some space and now he changed everything on me. He said that he coulnd’t do it anymore; that he was not in love with me anymore, and he hated coming home now. I said I am really sorry that you feel that way but it was never my intention to get sick but we should try to save our marriage. I always gave him chances when he messed up and that I deserved a chance too. He said “It its what It is,” I didn’t recognize him,like he was somebody else. It’s been 4 months since he moved out and I force myself to look for a part time job to pay the bills here at home and my children and me until we sell the house. So my question is, how can somebody walk away from you, even though he was always a caring person and I always made sure to tell him that and that I appreciated what he had done.
I saw him today to give some papers and he didn’t have much to say and he tried to avoid much eye contact like he was nervous or tense. I told he that he looked good with his new hair style, but he didn’t have much of a reaction to it. Before I left I asked if he could answer a question for me, and he say yes. So my question is was if he was dating someone else. He said immediately no. I have already alot of problems that I dont need more problems right now. So I need some advice. I just dont know what to think anymore, I’m so confused. I love him very much and would like not to lose him, but it’s like I dont know my husband anymore; any advice please, I beg anybody that can give me some kind of wise advice.
My sister in Christ my heart bleeds for you. I know God promises to never give more than we can bear, but some situations feel unbearable especially when there’s so much of everything invested in it. The only encouragement I can offer is to ensure that your walk with God is what God expects of you. Trust Him to work in your heart and implore His help in working on your husband while the two of you are separated.
Just today I was reading an article on this website where the author spoke about the “Duck Principle.” This is when we get out of the way and let God do the work of restoration. In the meantime dwell on the Scriptures which explain how we are to be as Christian wives. It’s going to be a challenge but it’s better to be obedient to the call God has placed in His Word for you as a wife. Let Him do the work on your husband. I pray that the Glorious and Mighty Hands of God cover you both and bring new life in this marriage covenant that he has entrusted to you and your husband. My love and prayers to your family my sister. Blessings.
As hard as it may be, you have to realize that silent treatment is abusive and destructive. If this is a pattern, the past behavior is a good indication of future behavior. Divorce is not good at all and should never be considered, but if one partner is not willing to work through problems, then the other partner lives a life of misery. I see relationships as a work situation… if you’re not happy in your work, you’ll start looking for another. In the courts I have experienced that once one partner wants to walk, they were in the past and are probably also now involved with another.
They cannot COMMIT fully and the reason for is due to their past and upbringing. It’s called emotional unavailability. These persons need prayers and lots of it as wherever they go in life, this pattern will follow as most of them do not have God in their lives because they got hurt sometime and lost their faith. We, as people cannot fix this, we need to fix ourselves and protect ourselves. God is there for us. Sooner or later the answer will come even if it is not so good, but we must obey.
It’s like the story of the Israelites strolling through the dessert in 40 years they could have done so in 4 days… In my case I was married 35 years; it was tough to make the decision to leave but the ignorance etc took a toll on me as it belittles you as a person completely. There are 2 factors that seem to be the MAIN factor in failing marriages/relationships: COMMITMENT AND COMMUNICATION. Those that struggle with both, are the ones that will eventually walk away. I used to say in court to people GO SEEK GOD FIRST AND FOREMOST before you make irrational decisions about your spouse, but because the ROOT is so deep since upbringing, people cannot do so as they do not understand HOW God’s will is working.
I don’t really believe in therapy as every answer we need is written in THE BOOK. If people can only realize they only have to put GOD FIRST before their marriage/relationship, they’ll have a 100% success. But what do we do? We seek ourselves and only run to HIM if in trouble. Any marriage is a triangle. God on top husband right and woman left so HE will keep the husband SAFE in order to protect the wife and kids. Once the husband chooses to move out of that protection, that is when all starts to fall apart.
I am 51 and he is 42. I care about this as I don’t like to “beat around the bush” nor does he per-say. I have lived with a very grand man. But BEFORE I moved in…it was understood that he would marry me after he graduated from college. He didn’t. Then he had grand plans to marry me where we met… so, so wonderful! …but he didn’t. Now it is 3 years later.
We really are a good couple and I know he loves me dearly, but he won’t say one word about marriage, when I ask calmly, warmly as an adult about why he won’t marry me. I feel as I deserve an answer. He withdrew the communion obligation that we shared, is how I feel, whether it be a negative or a plus. I have integrity. I also have value and respect for myself, and he knows this, and he does too. We are intimate about everything else, and talk and laugh as a good relationship should. No other concerns or problems. Just this. —> Him clamming up when I introduce the conversation on marriage….?! I am hurt.
I have expressed this in every way possible, and it’s eating me alive for the past year. Not even an engagement. We have a LOVING relationship. I have been in a state of depression over this. I am not obsessing, I check myself, but I am ready to leave the relationship as I feel he has no respect for me. Why is he doing this? Why does he not take my feelings into concern? He does on everything else? Why is he avoiding the conversation? Here and there he signals about marriage, in passing… like when we say cake knives…he thought they would be perfect….?? He just stares and seems as if he is not “there”. Not even a smile. A “I think we should not talk about it.” This is so unusual for him. HELP!
I’m not talking to my partner of 11 years, I’m working longer hours to avoid her, I’m not seeing anyone else and can’t be bothered with intimacy. I am 100% physically functional.
It’s just she bugs me and I can’t do or say anything without her pulling what I say to bits and questioning everything and going off on lots of tangents.
I’m trying to be laid back and she is not letting me rest, it’s giving me chest pains.
Her 3 kids and my 2 have all left home, she has no hobbies and I’m so tired of her making me her hobby.
I let her be 100% free but I’m under the microscope.
My wife is so mad at me that when I try to talk to her she starts yelling in front of our kids and says she’s done, and that I don’t get it that she don’t care anymore! I think she’s cheating on me. I don’t know what to do. HELP if you can or should I just give up and move on? Help me get control back!!
I haven’t talked to my husband about an issue because it was a touchy subject. My stepdaughter is at our house every other week. The week she is here she turns the house upside down and makes everyone miserable. I tell him the things she does for the day on his way home from work. Instead of talking to her about her bad behaviors or asking me if I need any help, he goes and tucks her under his arm and watches tv with her, but just her. By passing all three other children and me. Favoring her and giving her zero discipline. He has made me feel alone and invalidated in these actions. I have also been jealous of the attention he gives her versus me or the other children. We recently had a much bigger issue with her (she confessed to molesting my special needs daughter after my daughter told on her, which is another big issue) and I finally told him how his actions make me feel. One of my biggest marital worries happened (him thinking I have an issue with her, and him picking her over our marriage). Now he says he has issues with me but is not willing to talk to me about them. The distance between us is getting larger and larger everyday.
I live with a concealer. I live with someone who refuses intimacy on any level except to pay for my living. I do earn a living as I do all things except bring th check in around his home. The problem is thus…The concealer made me fall in love with his lies. Once I discovered it was all lies my self esteem has crashed to such a low level.
I do. Or want to hurt or belittle the man. I just do not understand why? Believe me I know my fault and accept it 100 percent and have told him so. He even would not leave a bar to come help me the day I found out my mother died. I want to make this work. Been trying for 6 years! Help?
I want to be very open about my feelings with my wife. The problem for me is, if I can’t air my grievances without an emotional breakdown in response, I end up coming out of the encounter as the aggressor. The bad guy. Every. Single. Time. It’s exhausting and nothing good ever seems to come from it. Such encounters result in me feeling more distant than before. I need to be able to talk about how I’m feeling without being made into the bad guy. I listen calmly to every grievance of my wife. Why should I not be able to get the same in return?
I can’t stand this anymore! If I could, I would leave, but can’t because of finances, and other reasons. HELP PLEASE!