After your spouse has been deceased for a period of time, you may think about the possibility of remarriage. In practically every interview we conducted with widows and widowers, remarriage was a common topic of conversation.
…This [article] is designed to give helpful information to you who are presently planning a remarriage. Or it may be something you are open to in the future. If you ever think of remarrying, read this material carefully. Even if you feel it is God’ will to follow this goal, there are numerous practical aspects to keep in mind.
Surround yourself scripture and prayer.
Whatever you do, be sure you’re guided by the Scriptures in your pursuits. Surround yourself with prayer to help you follow God’s will. We believe that God is Master of every facet of life. If you believe in his Word, every major step you take —including remarriage —will be directed by him.
As part of the research for writing this [article], we interviewed survivors who have married so we could list criteria to consider before remarrying. Examine each item carefully. If you have difficulty resolving any of the questions posed, you need to examine your reasons for remarriage and your overall goals. The questions below are not listed in any order of importance. Each question is vital to the success of your new marriage.
How long should you wait before you remarry?
The answer depends on a number of circumstances. Some authorities say that it should be at least a year after the death of your mate before you make any major decision. This certainly includes marriage. If the death of your mate was sudden, the resolution of your grief may be particularly difficult. You may find it best to wait several years before even considering the idea of remarriage. Conversely, if your mate had a lingering illness and you went through a partial process of grief before his or her death, you may be comfortable in remarrying in less than a year. If this is true, the timing of your marriage may be of secondary importance. We are convinced, however, that resolving the answers to the next questions could take several months. It may even take years, for some individuals.
If there are children, how do they feel about your remarrying?
This issue was a serious one for Rita and me. That is because she had four adult children and I had three. At first my children had only a slight acquaintance with Rita. Her children did not know me at all. After studying this question carefully and consulting counselors and trusted friends, we took a path that has been reasonably successful. It has helped us establish a harmonious family relationship. We recommend the following guidelines for your consideration:
1. Introduce your prospective spouse to your children as early as possible.
Much of any initial negative reaction is because the individuals really do not know each other. If possible, let all the children in both families get acquainted before any marriage plans are announced. When you meet the children of your intended, be as natural as possible. Do not try to be someone you are not. They might not accept you completely, but if you show yourself to be a “phony,” they will be even more suspicious. Especially if the children are young, respect them for who they are. Be sensitive to their grief over the loss of the deceased parent. It may still be very painful to them.
Avoid recommendations about child-rearing to your intended at this stage. If his or her children make you uneasy for any major reason, have a serious conversation about your feelings. Even though it may be hard to accept, you will not only become involved with his or her children but other family members as well.
2. The final decision to remarry must be made by both of you.
Although the feelings of adult children regarding your remarrying must be considered, the final decision must be made by both of you for the best interests of all. Some children may be negative toward any relationship you enter. They may still be economically and emotionally dependent on you as a parent. And they may feel neglected if you remarry. A few people find it difficult to make adjustments in their life and always prefer the status quo. On the other hand, if your children are opposed because of some specific loving concerns, consider these aspects carefully. While you should be concerned about the feelings of your children, you need to take charge of your life and do what you believe is best.
The most logical step is to discuss your children’s reactions with your pastor, a counselor, and trusted friends who will keep the children’s misgivings confidential. You need the opinions of persons who are somewhat detached from your situation. They can best give you objective advice about your relationship.
Once you’re comfortable with the decision you have made, announce your intentions to your children privately. Ask for their love, prayers, and goodwill. After you decide to remarry, most loving children will want your marriage to succeed. They will be supportive. If not, the passage of time usually helps people adjust to new situation.
3. Absorbing young children into a new marriage may be a major source of conflict for both of you.
The stepfather’s or stepmother’s role may be demanding and traumatic, when young children are involved. We have observed that a husband and wife may agree on nearly everything except how to raise children, their own or someone else’s! It’s nearly impossible to remain detached from such problems once a couple is united in a remarriage.
Often the family situation is still more challenging when you marry a divorced person and bring a child who has been living with the ex-spouse into your new home. Some children of divorced parents are very troubled. They have a great capacity to spread discord wherever they go. Consider these possibilities seriously before remarrying.
Before you enter into a marriage where young children are involved, it would be advisable to air your concerns with your pastor and/or trusted friends. Don’t let the present grief of your mate’s death cause you to enter into a new marriage that is risky for all involved.
What is the financial status of each of you?
Of all the issues that may imperil a marriage, the subject of money can be the most deadly. The issues below must be studied and resolved before the marriage takes place.
An agreement must be reached if one of you has much more money than the other. There must be a clear understanding of how finances will be divided. There probably would not be a 50-50 split of assets in this circumstance. If this is a potential trouble spot, identify it early in a relationship.
A definite plan must be established with regard to spending money. Decide how much will be spent for yourselves, your children’s needs, recreation, vacations, or eating away from home. If you are planning to establish a joint checking account, there should be a clear understanding about which expenditures will be made from that source. Unless such a decision is reached, there is considerable potential for disagreement and stress.
A program must be agreed on with regard to checking, savings, and various investment accounts. The exact ownership and plans for these accounts should be described in detail in a prenuptial agreement. This is especially true if either of you has children. Normally it is recommended that each of you keep your own name on any savings or investments that were yours before the remarriage. Decide whether the beneficiaries of the accounts will be your new mate or certain children. Sometimes joint checking accounts are established with the understanding that both parties will contribute agreed-on amounts each month. For your mutual protection, property bought jointly after marriage should be stated on the title as “joint tenants with right of survivorship.”
Should you have a prenuptial agreement and new wills?
The establishment of a prenuptial agreement before a second marriage is advisable. This is especially true if there are children involved and either of you have various financial holdings. In the event of a divorce or death of one of you, each mate needs to have a clear understanding of his or her legal rights.
New wills are an absolute must so that each of you will know which possessions will be yours on the death of the other. Also, make sure you formalize your wishes regarding any other separate or joint heirs. Be sure it is mentioned within your will that a prenuptial agreement has been made. If it does not, there can be considerable heartache for all concerned. Your county’s legal society can recommend local lawyers who specialize in premarital agreements and wills.
Are you sexually compatible?
One of the most important aspects of any marriage is the degree of sexual satisfaction attained by each of you. Your need for sexual gratification probably did not terminate at the death of your mate. There is a lot of research data to show that a majority of healthy persons remain sexually active up to age eighty and beyond.
If you intend to remarry, discuss your degree of sexual interest in this area with your prospective mate. There is potential for a great amount of stress if a person who has previously had an active sex life marries someone who has little interest in sexual intimacy. The same is true if they have different ideas of how to express that intimacy. One of the most authoritative books regarding this matter is Sex over 40 by Saul H. Rosenthal, M.D. Another interesting publication is Common Sense Christianity by Gerald Mann, who devotes an entire chapter to “great Sex for Christians.”
What are your religious beliefs?
Of all the questions cited so far, this one may have the greatest potential for trouble between a couple. Resolve this issue before you pursue a relationship to any great depth. Our studies of this question have led us to some rather firm beliefs about related concerns.
Basic spiritual values:
If persons of any age (especially older) have never been interested in church attendance, tithing, prayer, etc, they may never be. There is a good prospect they won’t embrace all or even some of these aspects just because they marry. We hope that they will change their lives. However, they probably will not.
Evangelism in a marriage:
The Bible tells us not to be “unequally yoked” with a nonbeliever (2 Corinthians 6:14). To disobey this admonition may be an invitation to a stress-filled and unsuccessful marriage. Never enter a marriage with the expectation that your fervent witnessing will eventually lead your spouse to accept the gospel truths.
What will be your living arrangements?
There are many questions that need to be answered in this arena.
1. Will you live in the other’s home or your own?
2. Will you both sell your houses (or move from your apartments)? Or will you buy or rent a new dwelling place that is jointly “yours”?
3. Will you have his or her children (and/or your own) living with you?
4. Will you use some of the furniture of each mate or buy everything new?
5. How will you dispose of items not needed in the new home?
Our experience and survey data show that there are no clear-cut answers for each of the previous questions. Each situation has to be judged individually. It’s important to find a plan that will satisfy both of you. If either of you is unhappy about living in the other person’s house, make other living arrangements.
Do either of you have family or financial obligations?
Discuss these details completely before the marriage takes place. Jo and Linda were married sometime after the deaths of their mates. One month after the marriage ceremony, Linda discovered the following information about Joe’s commitments:
- He told his mother she could live with them for the next two years instead of going to a nursing home.
- Jo was giving about $200 a month to his unmarried (and usually unemployed) son, who lived in the next town.
- He had taken limited bankruptcy three years ago and still owed creditors over $20,000.
Obviously this information was most upsetting to Linda. These facts, along with Joe’s refusal to compromise on certain religious issues, caused their later divorce. There should be no secrets of this type between two persons contemplating marriage!
Will you avoid comparison of your deceased mate with your new one?
You will never find a mate exactly like your first. Your new husband or wife will have some good (and bad) qualities your first mate didn’t have, and vice versa. Do not place your former mate on a pedestal and challenge your new partner to be the same. Leaving the deceased’s picture on the wall and remarking that he or she “was so good” about doing such-and-so is not conducive to a harmonious second marriage. Conversely, there is no profit in amplifying all the faults of your former spouse. Be fair and objective about your first mate, without making direct or indirect comparisons to your new or intended partner. What happened in your first marriage is history. Let it go at that.
If you have grown children, what will be your contact with them after you marry?
Your marriage will be a major adjustment for your adult children. If you follow some rather simple guidelines, your new marriage can be very successful.
First of all, let your children know that you still love them. They should feel welcome to call you and see you within the bounds of common courtesy and good sense. Having a new spouse should not cause you to be isolated from your children, even if they have misgivings about the marriage.
Second, don’t go to your children with every problem or conflict that you have with your new spouse. It can be counterproductive to do so. In every disagreement have a private talk with your mate. Try to resolve conflict at that level. Playing “mind games” with each other’s children is a sure way of breeding major problems for a marriage.
How will you manage family traditions and holidays?
The first Thanksgiving and Christmas following a second marriage calls for much planning and discussion. There are many relatives to consider. A calm, well-developed plan can avoid much unneeded stress. Keep as many of your own family traditions as you can. But it’s good to be ready to compromise to include your new mate’s relatives. You may need to have two Thanksgiving meals —or one big one for all. Can your traditions and celebrations be exactly the same as with your first mate? Of course not. If both of you are willing to try new plans, family gatherings can be harmonious, and fun-loving for all.
To summarize, we want to emphasize that remarriage is not necessary or desirable for everyone whose mate has died. If you ask God’s blessings and are led to the proper person, however, a new marriage can be highly rewarding.
There were other valuable points made, that we weren’t able to include, from the book, Coping with Life after Your Mate Dies. Donald C. Cushenbery and Rita Crossley Cushenbery are the authors. It is published by Baker Books. Please consider obtaining this book because we believe you could find it very helpful. It is written to be read quickly, and easily.
– ALSO-
For further insights on this topic, please read the following articles posted on the “I Do! Take Two” web site:
• 10 STEP GUIDE TO MARRYING A WIDOWER
• ADVICE FOR WIDOWS AND WIDOWERS CONSIDERING REMARRIAGE CATEGORY
Filed under: Remarriage
(CANADA) Why marry… what’s the big hurry? I think todays society has become a lot easier in the sense that things are more laid back. We do not have to rush. If you have forever together then take your time. Once it’s done, it’s done. So, slow down and enjoy each other for a while. Make memories, do things, travel, etc… Get married later once you have done more together. It’s expensive, and can be even more expensive if it doesn’t work out. Explore and live life… don’t worry so much! Do something you would have never done before… then do something else. Don’t get married too soon.
I lost my husband 1 month ago. He was paralyzed for 3 years and I was his fulltime caregiver. I watched him suffer for years. I am only 33, and I plan to live life to the fullest. He lost so much, and I can only respect him by learning by him. Life is short, don’t rush it -live it!
(NIGERIA) I am really interested in this discussion. I lost my wife only recently (09/11/2011). We were married for about 13 months but it was a very deep relationship. Her death has been quite grievious, but I am trusting God to get out of this soon. Definitely, I’ll remarry. I’m praying for God’s healing and guidiance in making a lasting choice hence forth.
(USA) I am a 60 year old widow of 7 months… Is it too soon to get marry again? I loved my husband very much, so much as some would say, I put him on a pedestal. He was a good husband, good father and grandfather, and we miss him so much. I’m constantly crying when I talk about him, or some days I’m in the dump all day… Own my own business, try to keep busy… that doesn’t keep me from going home to an empty house and feeling lonely. We were married 39-1/2 years. Some days I didn’t feel like getting out of bed. I have children nearby and also helps with my grandchildren.
But it still doesn’t replace the love I had with him, I miss the laughter, hugging, holding hands and just looking at each other with a smile. Waking up with his arms around me… I miss all of that. I know God is watching over me and taking care of me and He knows my needs.
I was not looking to fall in love, I didn’t know if I could love someone else… and then last November an old sweetheart from high school looked me up after 43 years wanted to talk and reminisce. We had a good time laughing and reminiscing about our time in high school. We were friends through Jr High School, then in the 11th grade we became lovers. I broke it off w/him and started dating someone else.
Now he has appeared back in my life, COULD THIS BE GOD SENT??? It feels like it because he has awakening me out of my grieving… and I want to marry him without getting a license, and be married by an ordained minister, because he wants to do more than hold hands, kiss and hug me… IS IT TOO SOON TO REMARRY??? PLEASE REPLY!
Mae, You and I are the same age — married the same amount of time. I can’t even IMAGINE how horrible it is to lose your husband, your other half. There’s no doubt that you and your family are devastated. 7 months must seem like an eternity, and yet, when you spend 39 and a half years together, you can’t find a new “normal” that “quickly” (even though each day and night must seem like an eternity).
I have a lot of friends who are widows and a dear sister-in-law. I’ve talked to them countless times about how to get through such devastation (because we continually have widows and widowers who reach out to us to find comfort and advice). I can only tell you what their voices of experience have told me.
DO NOT jump into another love relationship too soon. As painful as it is to go through the grieving process, it’s more painful in the long run, for you and your family, if you try to jump past it too soon. You can go through a type of “honeymoon” time with someone else, but when the shine wears off (and it always does), you will regret making big jumps. You aren’t ready to give your heart to someone else yet. Too much of your heart is still tied to your husband. When you have properly gone through the grieving process (which can be a different time-frame for everyone — but I can tell you that I’ve NEVER seen less than a year being it) your heart will have more room in it for another person to romantically love and give more than take.
I have two friends who both lost their spouses. Eventually, they met and married. When I asked them about the same situation you presented they both looked at me wide eyed and told me to caution everyone who loses a spouse they loved, to NOT jump over any stage of the grieving process. They have a good marriage, but its had its share of difficulties and yet both of them HAD grieved properly. The man told me of his widowed mom who denied her grief and tried to shove it away because of the pain. He said it is the saddest thing to see because she is stuck in denial for years and years and is so miserable, because of it. She doesn’t see it but everyone around her does. If she ever married again, after the honeymoon stage would pass, that marriage would be doomed.
You and your children and grandchildren need time to heal. You can’t amputate half of you, and expect to be able to function well in just 7 months. You need time and you need to work through stages of grief and reality, until you are truly ready to go on into a new love relationship. There are many books out there, which can help you, written by those who have been through widowhood, which can minister to you during this time. But marrying, is NOT something that could help you, or him. You are not free emotionally yet. Falling upon him to get past grief quicker, is not the same as falling in love with him, for him. He might be ok with this for the short term, especially if you go onto doing more than holding hands, kissing and hugging. But eventually, reality will hit and I believe you will deeply regret giving more of yourself away than you should have. Please don’t add that pain onto your future. You have enough pain going on right now, without adding future regrets onto it.
Is this man “God-sent?” I can’t imagine that he is. It’s not that he can’t be a nice guy. He very well may be… but the timing is off, and things need to slow down. There’s some fun in reminiscing with another person, but you can only live on that energy for so long. Slow down. Think about it. It took you 39 and a half years to “break in” your husband so you both related to each other, as well as you did. It will take time to adjust to this man. You need time to properly grieve, so your heart is ready to give another man your enduring love, and you need time to learn if another man is the right one for you. Don’t pile one upon another. You’re too fragile right now.
Marrying “without getting a license” is still living together out of wedlock — you can try to paint it differently by including a minister into it, but if you aren’t willing to get a license, you are not committing fully, to a marriage relationship. And that says you are just trying to play a game (and eventually you won’t find it a “fun” one), to fast-step past grieving. In EXTREMELY rare cases, this might work… but it’s rare in deed. It truly isn’t worth the gamble.
I’m glad you found some diversion from crying and loneliness for a time. That sounds “God-sent” –to give you energy to regroup and go the healthy distance. God does that sometimes. But in the long run, it doesn’t work. Shortcuts in this type of thing can bring more pain eventually. If you need it, get grief counseling, pray, read, find other widows who can give you good advice (we also have links to a few web sites for widows you can explore, listed in the “Stages of Marriage” topic — in the Links part of it).
But please, I encourage you, slow things down. Be wise in how you conduct yourself now and in the future. If this man can’t honor you and care for you enough to be patient and you can’t be patient in waiting for the right time and circumstance (a TRUE marriage) then you need to both keep your distance. If you can be patient, then seeing each other once in a while may be ok.
When we’re in pain, we are desperate to find relief, but sometimes those avenues of relief can cause more problems than the original pain. I believe this is one of those circumstances, which is presenting itself to you right now. I can’t tell you what to do, but I caution you nonetheless. I pray for you Mae. I pray for you and for your family. I pray for God’s light to shine upon you — to strengthen you and to help you to get to the place where you will smile again, and the smiles will be just the beginning of a less painful future. I pray God will be your comforter and healer and that the healing will be sure and strengthening. God bless you, Mae.
(USA) Cindy, Thanks for replying so quickly, but I need to ask the following. How is it not fully committed if we are in the presence of God and we both are signing our wedding vows to each other? Isn’t the purpose of the license to change names and allow ones to draw Social Security and other assets? PLEASE REPLY -I don’t know and I need to know. Thank You.
(USA) Dear Mae, I read your story, and am really grateful that you’ve been able to share your feelings in writing. I just lost my husband of only ten years six weeks ago. (I’m in my mid-fifties and was married only once, late in life.) All I feel is pain, except when the Lord graciously helps me to work through the emotions by reading and meditating on His word.
I was particularly touched to hear what you said about how you just miss the pleasure of your husband’s company. I feel that way too. Nothing can replace him. Many of my non-Christian friends tell me that I will be comforted by the memories. I’m sure that can happen once I’ve gotten past this deep, deep sadness. For now, the truth is I just want to forget. While I don’t see myself getting into another romantic relationship with a man right now, I hope I will be able to make good friends who can help me share this pain just to encourage each other. But if God brings someone I think I could best serve Him with being married to him, then I hope I wouldn’t close the door to God’s leading.
That said, what you mentioned about social security is– in my opinion–an absolutely horrible moral failure of our society that only serves to prejudice seniors who have worked their whole lives paying into a system that won’t be there for us when we need it. You know that marriage is a holy, God-ordained bond that is primarily designed for the purpose of experiencing an inkling of God’s perfect intimacy with His own Son, basked in the light of the Holy Spirit. Of course the law of the land must endorse this– not hamper it by devastating people’s financial estate. I hope and pray that God will truly show you if your relationship with your old friend is meant to lead to marriage, whether at this time or perhaps “after you have suffered a while”.
My wife died last year from cancer we were married 45 years. I have met another woman that I like very much. The sex is amazing. I am happy but feel guilty. What do you think about that?
Bob, I’m not sure what you want us to “think about that.” I’m sorry… sorry that you lost your wife to cancer and grieve for you over your loss. 45 years of marriage is a long time to build a life with someone, so that when you lose them, it’s got to be so very difficult. I’m sorry for your loss. As far as meeting “another woman” that you like very much –that’s great. But make sure you give your relationship time and opportunity to grow so that you know if you should keep taking your relationship farther before you would consider marriage (if indeed you want to marry again).
As far as the “amazing” sex… I’m sad for you and for her. You opened a gift that isn’t yours to take, except in the context of marriage. Sex SHOULD be amazing… but not outside of the covenant of marriage. You SHOULD feel guilty. God wired us that way. If you have any type of relationship with the Lord, you are feeling the tug of the Holy Spirit telling you not to go there. But if you keep ignoring that “tug” (as many people do) it will eventually go away as the Holy Spirit retreats in fellowship with you. In continuing, you will be giving your heart the opportunity to harden.
But there are other eternal consequences for that. You won’t be as spiritually sensitive and you won’t grow in the same way with the Lord. Your growth will be stunted and will eventually go backward. So while I’m glad you found someone who makes you happy, after the sadness that I’m supposing you went through, I’m sad for you that you didn’t respect this woman or yourself or God enough to flee from having a sexual relationship you shouldn’t have with anyone other than a woman you are married to and committed to for life. I wish I could say differently, but that’s how I believe Jesus would see and “think about that.”
(USA) I became a widow at 58. I was happily married for 37 years and my husband was the love of my life who died unexpectedly early one morning in my arms. It has been a year and a half since he died and his best friend has been helping me with my grief during the past year. I feel guilty for accepting his comfort and my children don’t like him being around so much.
I have come to rely on him for help with my late husband’s businesses and we feel very comfortable together since we have know each other for 40 years. My concern is that I still love my late husband and even though I know his friend loves me, I suspect that he also loves the fact that I am financially secure. (He is penniless.) Should I continue with the status quo, should I remain single and be a good mother and grandmother, or should I venture out into the world again and see what happens?
(GHANA) I am a 56 years old lady. I lost my husband over 10 years now. I have 5 children: 2 in trade, 1 in the University, one in senior high school, one in junior high. All are taken care of by relatives. The 2 in trade are not in a position to cater for those in school.
I have seen a 65 year old man that I want to marry. We are both christians and he is an evangelist and unemployed. He has a daughter only. I am presently living with my younger sister and her husband with whom 2 of my children live. I help them with the house chores and take care of their 2 children (5 and 7 years) after school. Four of my children are against my remarriage with the reason that it will endanger their education. My father and elder brother support my remarriage but my 2 sisters do not. My in-laws, with whom my children and I live, does not also support it. Meanwhile they do take good care of me and say that it is a good opportunity to be with my children and encourage them in their chosen carreer. Please advise me.
I am a widow of 9 yrs., with 3 children. I’m 48 yrs of old and I feel I am ready to have a partner but the problem is I have not received any proposal or gesture of any man in 9 yrs. How do I get a partner?
(SINGAPORE) Hi I am a widow of 5 months. I have two young children aged 8 and 4 years. I had a healthy and solid relationship with my husband. He was a wonderful husband, a dear friend and a very good father.
Although I feel it is not time for me to enter another relationship, I would like to do so in the near future, reason being, the current environment my girls are growing in, is one that has a strong female dominance. I am prayerful to our Lord to provide me with a good Christian man so that my girls can re-experience what it is like to have a father, a male figure to protect and care for them.
However, I personally feel that finding such a man in an Oriental/Asian culture will be an uphill task. Realistically speaking, even if you do eventually find a man whom you can connect spiritually or mentally; the other issue will be, if he does truly care and love your young children unconditionally as his own. I appreciate any comments on my thoughts.
Bless your heart! I’m so sorry for your loss. And it’s a huge one –to say the least. And 5 months… this is all so new and fresh and painful –like a new deep wound you are tending to. My heart hurts with yours… so, so much hurt and pain. I’m so sorry you are going through this.
Please know that while 5 months seems like an eternity to you (and it is in human terms for one who is reeling from the hurt), 5 months is still relatively new in light of the very big decisions you are and will be making, as for the course of your life with your girls.
Whether you realize it or not, I sense your emotions and your logic and capability to make decisions in the area of bringing a life mate into your life and your home, is sliding all over the place right now. The beginning paragraph of your comment and the last paragraph shows that. And that’s not at all unusual. Right now, you are learning a new “normal” –one that is a horrific challenge for you and your precious children. Your life is very complicated to say the very least. That adds to your longing for heroic help, all the more.
And while it would seem ideal to find a man who could marry you and love you in a wonderful, healthy way AND take on a ready-made family where he would be a nurturer to your girls, instead of being someone who is a taker –the likelihood is rare indeed. I’m not saying that it’s impossible, because it isn’t. But it’s not the norm (as you acknowledge in your last paragraph).
You have to know that as women, it’s easy for us to romanticize relationships. We think because we want and desire love and security, such as you describe, we will, of course, find such a man. But that isn’t usually the case. Often times, what happens is a woman will find a man who SEEMS to be the right one but eventually, he steps off the pedestal he was placed upon and then real life happens.
Proceeding marriages, especially when children from a previous marriage are involved, have a higher failure rate than first marriages. A big part of this is because of the “ready-made” family. There are so many dynamics, which go on when a new “father” comes onto the scene. He has missed much of the bonding process from the beginning. I have no doubt that your girls must miss their dad very much. But bringing another father-figure into their lives very well may complicate their lives, all the more.
They are only 8 and 4 and aren’t on your agenda page. They may SAY they want a dad in their life, but the first time a new “dad” does things they don’t like, it all changes. They’re 8 and 4. It’s bound to change. That doesn’t mean that what you wish for can’t happen. It can. It does sometimes. But please be careful in how much you think about this and long for it to happen. Sometimes, with the best of motives, we project upon someone who comes into our lives that they are the hero we were waiting for. And for a while they will be. But eventually the shine of our hopes wear off and we begin to see the real person –a much different person. And that reality can be a real eye-opener and a dream crusher. At the very least, there will be a HUGE adjustment time and then an adjustment to a much different reality than we thought, originally.
SJ, please pray, ask God for wisdom and do what it takes to make your life with your children as uncomplicated right now as you try to adjust to the loss of losing your husband and their father. That, in itself, is a HUGE life-changing task and is also a separate issue from finding someone new. Work through your grief. Don’t bring someone in prematurely. I can’t even start to imagine it is time to do that. I may be wrong, but I don’t think so.
You will have a different grief process than any other. We are all created uniquely so we aren’t on the same time schedule. But 5 months is so, so new. Direct your focus on what is in front of you. As you pray and go about your life in building a good life for you and your girls, God will show you when and if it is time to invite someone new into your life. Yes, your girls may be living in a “strong female” dominated world right now. But don’t underestimate that this escaped God’s notice. We all live in different seasons of life and maybe, eventually a healthy male figure may come into their lives. But right now, I’m thinking that the females around them may be the protective force they need right now. Tomorrow (next year, or the next, or the next…) may or may not be different. God is still capable of teaching them what they need to learn –with males being a directing force in their growing up years, or not. Pray and see how God leads.
Also, there are men out there (just as there are women) who take advantage of little kids. Don’t be so quick to bring someone into their lives thinking that is what they need. It may or may not be. Some single parents, through good intentions, make the horrible mistake of trying to “fix” something by bringing another person into their children’s lives –only to make it worse. Pray, trust God, proceed carefully and prayerfully in the days, weeks, months and years ahead and you will do MUCH better than assuming your best intentions will cause things to happen for the better.
As told in Proverbs 3:5-6, I pray you will be able to “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and He will make your paths straight.” “Do not be wise in your own eyes…” I pray God’s favor upon you SJ, and for your girls, that God will heal your hearts and help you to proceed in the days and years ahead in patiently wise ways.
(SINGAPORE) Dear Cindy, thanks for sharing your wisdom with me. I know that finding romance is not the priority at the moment. It is strange that I had the same verse Proverbs 3:5-6 stuck in my head for the last few days when I sat down to pray and ask for wisdom. I can’t help agreeing on the dangers of bringing someone into my life so soon, especially since I am still hurting and feeling rather vulnerable. But I wanted someone who understands my situation to provide me the much needed guidance.
I observed how my little ones behaved differently in front of male friends or relatives. Although I try not to read too much into it, I sense their yearning for their father; especially so with my four year old daughter, who had lesser bonding time with my husband. Nevertheless, thanks you Cindy for highlighting the potential issues I may face if I bring someone into my life too quickly. Yes, I will pray for God’s wisdom and guidance in leading my little girls and my life. Thank you for reaffirming some of my thoughts. I will pray for patience too as I claim His promise for us in Jeremiah 29:11. Thank you.
(UK) I think that you should take the views of your children into account when you are widowed and not wave any other relationship in their faces. They are grieving and you should put their needs before your own.
I think that it is disrespectful to their memory of the parent who has died otherwise. It is selfish and it is unlikely to work if you are on the rebound.
You need a period to fully heal before being free enough anyway to look elsewhere. Just because you are lonely is not the right reason. God is supposed to be your comfort and security. Your main concern should be others not yourself. You should take things slowly.
(USA) This was all very interesting to read… and helpful. I have been a widow for 3 1/2 years and without looking… and then BOOM! I met an amazing man at a reunion. I am 48, which sometimes sounds so old and then being labled as a “widow” it seems too young. I love the Lord and I want to be obedient to Him.
This lovely man was married to a woman he deeply loved and she left him, which hurt him very much and he tried to get her back for about 3 years. He is very open and honest about his feelings. He too became a believer just a few short months ago. Now I pray about being evenly yoked and we are taking our time in our relationship and he is faithful in his walk with the Lord.
We both have teenagers and my son has decided not to speak to me because I had my new friend over to our home (not a good choice on my part). I did it because my daughter wanted to meet him and my sister was coming out so I thought it would be a good time where we were not just alone. We live 3 hours apart so only see each other once or maybe twice a month.
This is the hardest thing I have endured since the loss of my husband. I don’t want to hurt my kids… or his (I am not ready to meet his just yet). Of course his two kids would love for mom and dad to get back together. Who could blame them? And my three just feel like this is weird and way too soon and hurtful to them.
We have been in this relationship for about 7 months now. We both agree to really go slow and take our time and to just enjoy each other and see what the Lord does. I think I’m falling in LOVE <3
(NGERIA) It is quite painful to lose one’s love, but if it happens one will be able to put the past behind, and move ahead. And if there are children they should be involved in the choice making, so that the journey could be nice. People are of different opinions when it comes to an issues like these.
There was this woman of 49 to be 50 years this middle of this year, with seven children, hoping to remarry with a man of 69 years who has 9 children; both lost their partners. They are pastors. It is not really working well for them in their courtship because the man is looking for a woman with enough money, the woman there with a heavy load is looking for how to make it lighter.
So I advise when you have children and they are grown, just carry your cross and remain in your house and get married to your children, unless you are crazy about sex. Then think on how to re-inform your children.
Men, be careful not to allow your lovely children being bewitched by a desperate woman who will always think good for the children from her bowel, and never mind what will happen to others.
(NIGERIA) I sincerely feel for everyone of you. I am a single mother. I am a God fearing woman who cherished and loved her former husband.
(USA) I have a different situation. My husband died June 16 2011, after an 18 month battle with cancer. Well, my oldest daughter was fathered by Rick. She knows her real father. After my husband died we started to correspond together. He’s in jail… for drugs. While in jail he’s been saved and is the best Christain ever. He has read the Bible at least 2 times and I see a good man who has changed.
He will get out in Sept of this year. I do love him, just as if I were 21 again and he has asked me to marry him, on Valentines Day. I really want to but I feel everyone is going to hold it against him that he was in jail… how can I get eveyone past this?
(USA) The segment on sexual compatibility is interesting because you can’t know until you are married (or having sex, which I assume this article advocates for chastity). You don’t know until you get there. You can SAY all you want about your beliefs or your libido, but then it happens, and you realize the frequency or what you want to do changes. I mean If you say “I like sex once a day/week/month” you can’t even know if that is true until you are married again, and this information would be based on information from your LAST marriage, and that is not really fair to share with the new fiancé.
What was true for your last marriage isn’t neccesarily true for the next one. It’s an “our sexuality” issue not a “my sexuality” issue. This really has to be hashed out and worked on after marriage. Except for the “I don’t believe in _______ in the bedroom” there is really not much to say here. If you value your mate you will work on the sex life regardless of what you discover after. 26 Y.O. widow.
(USA) Dear Brothers and Sisters, I’ve read the different comments with an open mind and heart. I believe it simply boils down to first and foremost having a right relationship with our heavenly Father then praying and letting God know your feelings and desires then ‘listening’ to the still small voice of the Holy Spirit within you.
We are not our own and many times our world revolves around the things that make us happy in this life rather than things that makes God happy with our purpose and walk with him on earth. The Apostle Paul discussed the issues of marriage and remarriage in his first letter to the church at Corinth in chapter 6:15-20 and 7:1-40. Specifically in verses 7:1-11 Paul noted what the scriptures originally taught as per God’s directions. He then shared his own feelings in verses 12-40, howbeit with the declaration in the last portion of the 40Th verse, that, “I think also that I have the Spirit of God.”
The scripture says, “…to work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.” The best admonition I can say is to ultimately make certain that your decision is in line with God’s word by praying in line with God’s word. Your purpose in marrying or remarrying is to better serve the Lord with your union.
Many times our fleshly desires to be made comfortable, happy and pleased in every area of our lives takes precedent over, “Not my will Lord, but thine be done.” We can see no further than all the comforts, desires and needs of our life here on earth with no serious thought given to the fact that our entire existance here should be to please the Lord with everything we do and with whom we do that with.
Outside of accepting the invitation of God to believe on his only begotten Son Jesus as our saviour and also as the Lord of our lives, who we marry or not is the SECOND biggest decision we’ll ever make here on earth. Whether you marry, remain single or remarry, do so with your utmost desire being in pleasing God with your life.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I have loved reading all your comments. It is such a blessing to know that we are not alone in this struggle of life, even though the loneliness could be so overwhelming sometimes. But praise God He is always right by our side, reminding us that He is our best friend who will NEVER leave us nor forsake us.
I lost my husband suddenly in a motorbike accident 2 and half years ago. He left me with 2 little boys, then 1 and 3 years old. The 2 of us had given up our lives to follow the call of God and we had started a ministry supporting orphans and widows. We lived on the border of the tribal lands into where we worked. 4 days after my husband died, a boy broke into our property as he heard there was no longer a man around. He stole our charity laptops and burnt our offices to the ground, and almost our whole house with it. That was the day before our orphan Christmas Party for 1500 at our offices.
A story like that spreads. The same day my husband died God started giving me the most mind blowing revelations. I could immediately see God that God had started putting things in place about 10 days before. I love God with all my heart, all my strength and all my life. I knew that God’s will is perfect. So I realized that He had let this happen, and so therefore, the rest of my life would be more perfect without my most amazing husband, then had he been allowed to live.
For 2 years, I stayed out in the bush living alone with my little boys and because of the whole story spreading, God took the charity to a whole new level. I turned to God in a whole new way, pouring out my spirit and soul to Him, every agony, every achievement, every moment. I have written in my prayer journal almost everyday and I can now read back and see the miracles God has done through my brokenness. I would cry out to God to move me but I promised Him that I would only move when He alone moves me.
That is how I live my life. When you draw close to Him, allow Him access to every deep corner and desire of your life, His moves become really clear. I knew my season of grief had to change and with it I was praying to move closer to people and for a new husband to work in partnership to advance His kingdom.
At the beginning of the year he moved me to the most wonderful little home right next door to my boys school. This has radically changed my life to be close to friends again. I can look back and cherish the very alone time I had with God for 2 years as I know He has used that to mold me into a very useful vessel for His Glory. But there is no doubt that I really miss being married and my deepest desire is to fall in love again and to share this awesome responsibility of changing the lives of thousands of orphans in Africa.
I really try not to ask God: “How much longer Lord?” in case it is still years to go so I better be a lot more patient then that! My boys are now 3 and 6 and soon they will need a dad. I’m a fun mom so I can do this just one more day. That has been my motto that has gotten me through since 7 December 2009. I can look back and through all of this, I realize that I have become so much more of a women than I ever knew I could be. So therefore, I look forward to meeting the new match, the strong, determined, God-fearing warrior our Almighty Creator has planned. But patience is the hugest challenge. Oh fill me with this fruit, Holy Spirit! And tonight, I very randomly typed in “Christian widows getting remarried’ into Google and found this…
Hi Kate, How my heart goes out to you with all you and your precious children and the orphans you minister to, have been through. Your testimony can’t help but touch the hearts of all who read what you have experienced and are still going through. How we pray God will minister to your needs.
As I was reading, I have to say though, that I started to be concerned about your deep desire to marry again. It’s not that it is wrong to desire it or pray for a godly man to come into your life, to eventually marry… after all, you are a young, vibrant woman with needs. And yes, it could be that God will bring that man into your life. He has done that for others and certainly can do that for you. I greatly hope He will.
But as I was praying for you this morning, the words came to be for you to “be cautious… guard your heart… be aware!” Please be careful on this matter. Sometimes we can want something so badly that we let our guard down and aren’t as careful as we should be. And for some people, finding a spouse to love us and have a mutual vision with us, can become a type of god –a type of idol we hold onto, without even realizing it. I’m not saying this is true for you, I just want to caution you, in case.
With your sons, I can understand your thinking that they would need a dad. I would be the same way (I have 2 sons also). My heart breaks for you and your sons. But I’ve also seen that sometimes it’s best for them to NOT have an earthly stepfather, if he’s not the right one. God can teach your sons in different ways –better ways, than it could happen if they have a man step into their lives and it’s not the right one. Please be cautious. Your sons may do better without a stepdad, than with one. Or perhaps the reverse is true. None-the-less, God is aware of this and will guide accordingly –with or without a stepdad in the picture. Please be cautious.
I highly recommend that you read through the topic, “Single Yet Preparing.” Even though you have been married before, a lot of this information is still very relevant. Just glean through it. And then we have the topic, “Is He or She the One” –which you may want to glean through if you get to the point where you wonder about someone.
Whatever you do, please proceed slowly and carefully. Let me repeat myself, proceed SLOWLY and carefully. You sound like a wonderful woman of God –a woman who I would be very close friends with if we lived geographically close to each other. I wouldn’t want anything to happen where you would be tripped up in some way. If you look at the different leaders in the Bible you can see that the enemy of our faith works overtime to try to find that one weakness, which will bring them down. For Solomon it was added wives, for King David it was the lure of sexual temptation, for Moses it was his temper. And the list goes on. They all started out well, but then there was a weakness, which the enemy found and it tripped them up. I hope this does not happen to you.
You have a very real and understandable need here, but you are also a leader. You are a leader in your home (even though you never wanted that responsibility) and you are a leader, who is helping these orphans. The enemy of our faith will find ways to tempt you beyond what the average person experiences. I pray you are able to stand strong and through to the ending of your life, you will finish well. I truly hope and pray that God will bring that special someone into your life. But if He doesn’t, I pray you will have the strength you need to carry on with Christ alone as your Bridegroom. Whatever the case, I pray for a discerning spirit for you and for laughter — lots of laughter. I know that may sound strange, but it came to me to pray that for you. Children, even those who have been hurt, can many times bring laughter. May your life be filled with laughter. I pray good for you Kate –for you and for your children and the awesome ministry you are participating in with God. May He richly bless you!
(ZIMBABWE) I feel I need to talk to people in the same situation as me and it is all of you, I thank God for that.
My husband passed away 2001 in a road accident. It will be 11 years this December. We had been married 1 year and 3 months and our son was just 1 year. Ever since he died I told myself that I will not remarry. I have been in relationships but ones I really know will not lead to anything serious. I do not feel the urge to get married. My family and friends even at church people feel that it is time that I found someone who I could settle down with.
I’m very reluctant to this idea. To be honest I have never prayed about this or even asked God for a partner. I have this feeling that God knows what he is doing in my life and when the time is right he will send me a partner.
Am I doing something right or wrong? My pastor has told me how I’m being very unfair to myself and my son. She says the Bible tells us that it is okay to remarry but I seem not to bring myself to pray about it.
In my culture there are supersitions associated with death that say that it is because the departed has not let go and as such one will not get married until a cleansing has been done. But I think it is me who has not found any interest in finding someone. I need your advice!
Fikile, please don’t allow the superstitions of others to rule what you do in your life. Whether your husband died a year ago, or 11, or 50 years ago, please don’t feel pressured into entering into another relationship –particularly a marriage, because others think you should. Just because they don’t understand how you can be okay with not being married, it is not a good reason to consider trying to get married (particularly when you don’t have anyone in mind).
And as far as being “unfair” to you and your son, if you don’t see it that way, don’t allow them to project that outlook onto your circumstance. Trust me when I say that there are no guarantees that any man you find would be a good father to your son. He had a father. And he has a Heavenly Father. If there is to be another man that comes into your life and his, that would add to your lives together, then let it come naturally, as God would have it. I’m sure you’re a fine mother and having one good parent is better than having one good parent and someone else in your life who is toxic. Don’t look for a father for your son. He has a Heavenly Father who knows what will be best for your son.
If you’re “very reluctant” to the idea of finding another husband, then don’t do it –no matter what others think or say. I think your intuition is working in a healthy way. You have “learned to be content” as we’re told to do in the Bible.
A lot of bad things come through superstitions and through others pressuring us into discontentment. If you are at peace, you are doing well –go with that. Pray and ask God to help you to always do His will –whether you are to do it with a husband or without. If you read through 1 Corinthians 7, you will see that when you marry, you will be restricted. Marriage can be wonderful (if it is with the right person), but so can being single (it’s better to be single with more freedom and contentment, than married and discontent). These people and your pastor mean well. But just because they mean well, it doesn’t mean that they are all-knowing. God is. Go with God and don’t feel pressured into discontentment and going the way of the crowd.
We have Loving GOD. He will build your life. Marriage is holy and it is God’s way of creation. You have a son, and you are not feeling and craving for sex. So concentrate on his all-round development. If you feel you can ask GOD for a man, He will give you. Don’t think about any superstitions. May GOD bless you.
Wow, Fikili, I believe God has blessed you with good virtue most people probably should have. I also want you to note that God does things for His glory and blessing of man. Please, take care of the child God has given, and align with the gift of not having the unnecessary urge for sex. Also find something that you can be doing, especially in the house of God. I earnestly pray that God will continue to endow you with more grace of self control and favour of your needs. Elijah from NIGERIA