After your spouse has been deceased for a period of time, you may think about the possibility of remarriage. In practically every interview we conducted with widows and widowers, remarriage was a common topic of conversation.
…This [article] is designed to give helpful information to you who are presently planning a remarriage. Or it may be something you are open to in the future. If you ever think of remarrying, read this material carefully. Even if you feel it is God’ will to follow this goal, there are numerous practical aspects to keep in mind.
Surround yourself scripture and prayer.
Whatever you do, be sure you’re guided by the Scriptures in your pursuits. Surround yourself with prayer to help you follow God’s will. We believe that God is Master of every facet of life. If you believe in his Word, every major step you take —including remarriage —will be directed by him.
As part of the research for writing this [article], we interviewed survivors who have married so we could list criteria to consider before remarrying. Examine each item carefully. If you have difficulty resolving any of the questions posed, you need to examine your reasons for remarriage and your overall goals. The questions below are not listed in any order of importance. Each question is vital to the success of your new marriage.
How long should you wait before you remarry?
The answer depends on a number of circumstances. Some authorities say that it should be at least a year after the death of your mate before you make any major decision. This certainly includes marriage. If the death of your mate was sudden, the resolution of your grief may be particularly difficult. You may find it best to wait several years before even considering the idea of remarriage. Conversely, if your mate had a lingering illness and you went through a partial process of grief before his or her death, you may be comfortable in remarrying in less than a year. If this is true, the timing of your marriage may be of secondary importance. We are convinced, however, that resolving the answers to the next questions could take several months. It may even take years, for some individuals.
If there are children, how do they feel about your remarrying?
This issue was a serious one for Rita and me. That is because she had four adult children and I had three. At first my children had only a slight acquaintance with Rita. Her children did not know me at all. After studying this question carefully and consulting counselors and trusted friends, we took a path that has been reasonably successful. It has helped us establish a harmonious family relationship. We recommend the following guidelines for your consideration:
1. Introduce your prospective spouse to your children as early as possible.
Much of any initial negative reaction is because the individuals really do not know each other. If possible, let all the children in both families get acquainted before any marriage plans are announced. When you meet the children of your intended, be as natural as possible. Do not try to be someone you are not. They might not accept you completely, but if you show yourself to be a “phony,” they will be even more suspicious. Especially if the children are young, respect them for who they are. Be sensitive to their grief over the loss of the deceased parent. It may still be very painful to them.
Avoid recommendations about child-rearing to your intended at this stage. If his or her children make you uneasy for any major reason, have a serious conversation about your feelings. Even though it may be hard to accept, you will not only become involved with his or her children but other family members as well.
2. The final decision to remarry must be made by both of you.
Although the feelings of adult children regarding your remarrying must be considered, the final decision must be made by both of you for the best interests of all. Some children may be negative toward any relationship you enter. They may still be economically and emotionally dependent on you as a parent. And they may feel neglected if you remarry. A few people find it difficult to make adjustments in their life and always prefer the status quo. On the other hand, if your children are opposed because of some specific loving concerns, consider these aspects carefully. While you should be concerned about the feelings of your children, you need to take charge of your life and do what you believe is best.
The most logical step is to discuss your children’s reactions with your pastor, a counselor, and trusted friends who will keep the children’s misgivings confidential. You need the opinions of persons who are somewhat detached from your situation. They can best give you objective advice about your relationship.
Once you’re comfortable with the decision you have made, announce your intentions to your children privately. Ask for their love, prayers, and goodwill. After you decide to remarry, most loving children will want your marriage to succeed. They will be supportive. If not, the passage of time usually helps people adjust to new situation.
3. Absorbing young children into a new marriage may be a major source of conflict for both of you.
The stepfather’s or stepmother’s role may be demanding and traumatic, when young children are involved. We have observed that a husband and wife may agree on nearly everything except how to raise children, their own or someone else’s! It’s nearly impossible to remain detached from such problems once a couple is united in a remarriage.
Often the family situation is still more challenging when you marry a divorced person and bring a child who has been living with the ex-spouse into your new home. Some children of divorced parents are very troubled. They have a great capacity to spread discord wherever they go. Consider these possibilities seriously before remarrying.
Before you enter into a marriage where young children are involved, it would be advisable to air your concerns with your pastor and/or trusted friends. Don’t let the present grief of your mate’s death cause you to enter into a new marriage that is risky for all involved.
What is the financial status of each of you?
Of all the issues that may imperil a marriage, the subject of money can be the most deadly. The issues below must be studied and resolved before the marriage takes place.
An agreement must be reached if one of you has much more money than the other. There must be a clear understanding of how finances will be divided. There probably would not be a 50-50 split of assets in this circumstance. If this is a potential trouble spot, identify it early in a relationship.
A definite plan must be established with regard to spending money. Decide how much will be spent for yourselves, your children’s needs, recreation, vacations, or eating away from home. If you are planning to establish a joint checking account, there should be a clear understanding about which expenditures will be made from that source. Unless such a decision is reached, there is considerable potential for disagreement and stress.
A program must be agreed on with regard to checking, savings, and various investment accounts. The exact ownership and plans for these accounts should be described in detail in a prenuptial agreement. This is especially true if either of you has children. Normally it is recommended that each of you keep your own name on any savings or investments that were yours before the remarriage. Decide whether the beneficiaries of the accounts will be your new mate or certain children. Sometimes joint checking accounts are established with the understanding that both parties will contribute agreed-on amounts each month. For your mutual protection, property bought jointly after marriage should be stated on the title as “joint tenants with right of survivorship.”
Should you have a prenuptial agreement and new wills?
The establishment of a prenuptial agreement before a second marriage is advisable. This is especially true if there are children involved and either of you have various financial holdings. In the event of a divorce or death of one of you, each mate needs to have a clear understanding of his or her legal rights.
New wills are an absolute must so that each of you will know which possessions will be yours on the death of the other. Also, make sure you formalize your wishes regarding any other separate or joint heirs. Be sure it is mentioned within your will that a prenuptial agreement has been made. If it does not, there can be considerable heartache for all concerned. Your county’s legal society can recommend local lawyers who specialize in premarital agreements and wills.
Are you sexually compatible?
One of the most important aspects of any marriage is the degree of sexual satisfaction attained by each of you. Your need for sexual gratification probably did not terminate at the death of your mate. There is a lot of research data to show that a majority of healthy persons remain sexually active up to age eighty and beyond.
If you intend to remarry, discuss your degree of sexual interest in this area with your prospective mate. There is potential for a great amount of stress if a person who has previously had an active sex life marries someone who has little interest in sexual intimacy. The same is true if they have different ideas of how to express that intimacy. One of the most authoritative books regarding this matter is Sex over 40 by Saul H. Rosenthal, M.D. Another interesting publication is Common Sense Christianity by Gerald Mann, who devotes an entire chapter to “great Sex for Christians.”
What are your religious beliefs?
Of all the questions cited so far, this one may have the greatest potential for trouble between a couple. Resolve this issue before you pursue a relationship to any great depth. Our studies of this question have led us to some rather firm beliefs about related concerns.
Basic spiritual values:
If persons of any age (especially older) have never been interested in church attendance, tithing, prayer, etc, they may never be. There is a good prospect they won’t embrace all or even some of these aspects just because they marry. We hope that they will change their lives. However, they probably will not.
Evangelism in a marriage:
The Bible tells us not to be “unequally yoked” with a nonbeliever (2 Corinthians 6:14). To disobey this admonition may be an invitation to a stress-filled and unsuccessful marriage. Never enter a marriage with the expectation that your fervent witnessing will eventually lead your spouse to accept the gospel truths.
What will be your living arrangements?
There are many questions that need to be answered in this arena.
1. Will you live in the other’s home or your own?
2. Will you both sell your houses (or move from your apartments)? Or will you buy or rent a new dwelling place that is jointly “yours”?
3. Will you have his or her children (and/or your own) living with you?
4. Will you use some of the furniture of each mate or buy everything new?
5. How will you dispose of items not needed in the new home?
Our experience and survey data show that there are no clear-cut answers for each of the previous questions. Each situation has to be judged individually. It’s important to find a plan that will satisfy both of you. If either of you is unhappy about living in the other person’s house, make other living arrangements.
Do either of you have family or financial obligations?
Discuss these details completely before the marriage takes place. Jo and Linda were married sometime after the deaths of their mates. One month after the marriage ceremony, Linda discovered the following information about Joe’s commitments:
- He told his mother she could live with them for the next two years instead of going to a nursing home.
- Jo was giving about $200 a month to his unmarried (and usually unemployed) son, who lived in the next town.
- He had taken limited bankruptcy three years ago and still owed creditors over $20,000.
Obviously this information was most upsetting to Linda. These facts, along with Joe’s refusal to compromise on certain religious issues, caused their later divorce. There should be no secrets of this type between two persons contemplating marriage!
Will you avoid comparison of your deceased mate with your new one?
You will never find a mate exactly like your first. Your new husband or wife will have some good (and bad) qualities your first mate didn’t have, and vice versa. Do not place your former mate on a pedestal and challenge your new partner to be the same. Leaving the deceased’s picture on the wall and remarking that he or she “was so good” about doing such-and-so is not conducive to a harmonious second marriage. Conversely, there is no profit in amplifying all the faults of your former spouse. Be fair and objective about your first mate, without making direct or indirect comparisons to your new or intended partner. What happened in your first marriage is history. Let it go at that.
If you have grown children, what will be your contact with them after you marry?
Your marriage will be a major adjustment for your adult children. If you follow some rather simple guidelines, your new marriage can be very successful.
First of all, let your children know that you still love them. They should feel welcome to call you and see you within the bounds of common courtesy and good sense. Having a new spouse should not cause you to be isolated from your children, even if they have misgivings about the marriage.
Second, don’t go to your children with every problem or conflict that you have with your new spouse. It can be counterproductive to do so. In every disagreement have a private talk with your mate. Try to resolve conflict at that level. Playing “mind games” with each other’s children is a sure way of breeding major problems for a marriage.
How will you manage family traditions and holidays?
The first Thanksgiving and Christmas following a second marriage calls for much planning and discussion. There are many relatives to consider. A calm, well-developed plan can avoid much unneeded stress. Keep as many of your own family traditions as you can. But it’s good to be ready to compromise to include your new mate’s relatives. You may need to have two Thanksgiving meals —or one big one for all. Can your traditions and celebrations be exactly the same as with your first mate? Of course not. If both of you are willing to try new plans, family gatherings can be harmonious, and fun-loving for all.
To summarize, we want to emphasize that remarriage is not necessary or desirable for everyone whose mate has died. If you ask God’s blessings and are led to the proper person, however, a new marriage can be highly rewarding.
There were other valuable points made, that we weren’t able to include, from the book, Coping with Life after Your Mate Dies. Donald C. Cushenbery and Rita Crossley Cushenbery are the authors. It is published by Baker Books. Please consider obtaining this book because we believe you could find it very helpful. It is written to be read quickly, and easily.
– ALSO-
For further insights on this topic, please read the following articles posted on the “I Do! Take Two” web site:
• 10 STEP GUIDE TO MARRYING A WIDOWER
• ADVICE FOR WIDOWS AND WIDOWERS CONSIDERING REMARRIAGE CATEGORY
Filed under: Remarriage
(UK) I would like some input on the following: A male friend who was widowed 2 years ago has started a relationship with the widow of his best friend who died around the same time. The four of them had been friends for over 50 years. Of course, they are both very lonely. Comments to me from my male friend seems to indicate that it was his friend’s widow who initiated the relationship, but he is really only interested in pursuing the sexual side. It seems to me that the lady will get hurt.
Can relationships work where all the parties concerned have known each other for so many years? Or will the ghosts of their partners hang over them? According to my friend, he was never interested in his friend’s wife while their respective partners were alive.
Mary, This is not a good guy. He is taking advantage of this widow. When he sees a window of opportunity, he opens it for his own selfish reasons. His motives are not pure. He’s not interested in her, but what she can give him. That’s more of a predator situation than anything else. I hope you can warn this woman. She will most definitely get hurt here and she has been hurt enough with the death of her husband. Only a low-life takes advantage of a widow. If you can’t warn her, I hope you will be able to tell this man to leave this woman alone unless he is willing to be truthful with her and tell her that she is just a hollow piece of skin to him –to use for his pleasure. I doubt whether he will do this because then he will lose his opportunity to use her as he wants. That’s shameful.
There are no such things as “ghosts of their partners” that hang over them. That’s superstition. It has no scriptural basis whatsoever. I’ve known of several couples that knew of each other before losing their spouses and they eventually marry and have had great marriages. One of these couples is my father-in-law. A few years after my mother-in-law died he met again with a woman who was also widowed. What’s funny about it is that she and her husband had originally introduced mom and dad together (who were married for 43 years before Mom died). They were good friends for a number of years while both spouses were alive but then lost touch with each other. Years after their spouses died, they saw each other again, dated and eventually married. It was a good marriage until this woman died several years later (and then he died). To his dying day he would say, I loved two great women and lost two great women. So yes, friends can get together after their spouses die and have a great life together –but what this man is doing is wrong. He is taking advantage of this widow. His intentions are not honorable.
(INDIA) Dear all, Please be advised that you should not waste your time. One thing you all have to consider is that life is limited. There is life and death in world. It’s not in our hand. I am a widower of four months. I loved my wife a lot. I have two children. I am 42 years old and was married for 25 years. I find that without a Life Partner there is no charm in Life. I found my life partner and am planning to marry soon.
(NEW ZEALAND) I was widowed in 2010, a mother of 8 children. I have recently married :-) I still grieve for my first husband but I do not grieve alone :-) http://www.familyis.org/blogs/10-thinkingwidow/23-grief-journey.html I did not want to raise 8 children alone. I did not want to be alone.
Thank you for sharing the article from Elisabeth Elliot. It was very insightful and can be quite helpful for those considering remarriage, and even marriage for the first time. Too often we fall into the “comparison game.” That is a totally unfair place in which to put your spouse. It’s also unfair and not a good thing to expect from your new spouse what someone else did or does. As the article points out, “God gives us each different gifts.” Part of marriage is to join together to help each other in ways we each need. But part of marriage is also “dying to self” and selfish desires, which can hurt your union more than help it.
Thank you for sharing. I pray God will bless your marriage. I hope that each of you will learn to appreciate each other for who you truly are and will combine the giftedness God gives to you so your marriage is blessed all the more in unity and the strength of working together. As we’re told in Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, “two are better than one…”
(INDIA) Hi. I am from Andhrapradesh State, India… in project work at present. My mom passed away 3 yrs ago. We are from a middle class family. Recently dad retired from his service and is presently living so simple at some mission. By God’s grace both sisters are married and living happily… but no terms with anyone present. I remained alone deviating from the society and living in a very small shed with little work.
I just need the sweetness of my mom and her words… eventually wandering in net usually. I need nothing, just a few words of confidence as a mom. I am pretty sure that I will be a great son of hers. If so, please respond with your hope… I didn’t give you anything, but you can as a humanity & liveness to my life. Hope every mom can forever live for a century. I MISS U MOM. I’m living and dreaming with your memories. Jesus, please take me into your kingdom as quickly as possible… sorry if at all, I troubled you with my message. Take care moms. Amen
Dear Suresh, Since reading your comment, I’ve been prayerfully considering what to write to you. When you asked a “mom” to respond to your cry, my heart wept with yours. You see, I lost my mom at a younger age, as well. My mom was 56 when she died; I was 37 at the time –too young to lose their mom. Even though I was married and have a great relationship with my husband and my God, a hole was shot through my heart on the day my mom died –a mom-sized hole that I thought that only she could fill. Through a lot of years of silently crying when no one saw me, I deep down felt I was robbed of so many years and so many opportunities we could have had (and I thought we should have had) to talk to each other and to be together. There were times when bad things happened that I just wanted to talk to my mom and for her to tell me that I would make it through it. I needed the hug that only a mom can give and sympathy that only she would give in a whole different way than anyone else could. So, I truly empathize with you and understand the deep grief you are feeling. I cry with you. As a mom, I give you a hug through the Internet on behalf of your mom. I hope you sense it and feel it. I have no doubt that if she could, your mom would have given you hundreds of them, these past 3 years and thousands more in the years ahead.
Suresh, I can’t give you back your mom. And I can’t be your mom for you –even though I wish I could be. She is the only one who can truly fill that void for the human companionship that only a mom that carried you in her womb for 9 months and bore and loved you, can give. No other human being can love you with that same love. Whenever I am with someone who is with their mom or will be with their mom (I’ve spoken at a lot of mother/daughter banquets and such), I always tell them to give their mom an extra hug and bit of love –to cherish the moments they have together because life on this side of heaven will eventually take that opportunity from them. When you wrote, “take care moms”… I get it. I understand your message. It’s the same one I’ve given to so many. Maybe that’s part of our mission on this earth, Suresh. Maybe part of it is to point others to appreciate all the more the time they have together. Life isn’t fair on this side of heaven. We live in a fallen world and what you and I and others go through (we all have something negative going on), is all a part of what goes on in this world. But it is what it is. Even so, we don’t have to succumb to just laying down and dying ourselves. We need to pick ourselves up and carry on –just as our moms would wish for us to do.
When I was praying about what to write to you, I thought it was probably just to give you a virtual hug through the Internet. It seemed insufficient to me, but I knew and know it’s important. When people have said, “Sorry” to me, concerning my losing my mom at such a young age, somehow those words were a type of hug to my heart. It’s not the same as a hug from my mom, but it’s a nice gesture. It’s certainly better than not having any type of hug, which is symbolic of my mom’s hug.
This morning though, as I was praying about what to write to you, God brought the testimony of David Ring to mind. David is a man who has Cerebral Palsy — an affliction caused from the loss of oxygen at birth. David is a very intelligent man, but he has obvious birth defects. He can’t speak clearly and as he says, he “walks funny.” As a result, he has led a tough life. His number one fan –cheerleader, was his mom. When everyone else made fun of him and seemed to be against him because of his disability or whatever reason, his mom was there to hug him and cheer him on. So very sadly, he lost his mom at a young age too –the one person who could help him when his world seemed to be going so wrong.
I heard David Ring’s testimony a number of years ago and it has been an inspiration to me. I looked him up on the Internet and was able to find an old YouTube video, which you can view. It’s posted at, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Jhc50qGnF0&feature=related. Suresh, I encourage you to watch it, even though the quality is very poor. None-the-less, the message is rich. It’s titled, “Why Do Bad Things Happen to God’s People?” I’m thinking as you watch it, God may give you a hug from your mom through it.
Since seeing this testimony and others that David Ring gave, I better understand how to keep keeping on, to keep encouraging others in the mission God has given. As David said in one of his follow-up testimonies, if his mom would have continued to live, he realizes that he wouldn’t have gone as far in life –living out God’s mission for him. He realizes that he would still be relying on his mom’s hugs and her care, more than upon God’s and he wouldn’t have been as passionate in giving out the message to all he could, that God loves us. He misses her, but he also knows that she is still cheering him on, with the memory he has of her in his heart. But God is the main one who is his cheerleader now. He is the one who has given him his life mission and is compelling him to deliver it. I’ve seen that in my own life. The Bible says in 2 Corinthians 5:14-15, “For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.” I see that happening in my life. I clearly see God’s mission in my life — and that is that whoever I am with, that they will see the Lord a bit clearer, as a result. My name even means, “giver of light.” I hope I can live up to that name and the mission God has given me. I hope you see God’s mission in your life as you ask God to show you.
Suresh, you came to this web site, which is one in which our mission is to “reveal and reflect the heart of Christ.” I hope that you will watch David Ring’s testimony (and any others you can watch of his on Youtube). I pray that as you watch it, that God will give you a hug inside of your spirit from your mom. I also pray that you will sense all the more, the hug that God wants to give you and will give you as you grieve for your mom, but even so, you look up to God and say, “what is it Lord?” “What is it that you want me to do in my humble existence to help others?” You and David and I don’t have our mom’s to hug us. But we still have a purpose and a mission to live out. I pray comfort for you and hope and vision. I have no doubt that you are a son your mom would be proud of. I sense this in my spirit. Take her precious memory with you and her hope for you to be a person of integrity and a giver in this life, rather than just a taker… and live out your life’s mission. I know you can do it. And I know that as you put your hand into God’s, He will give you the strength and resolve and vision to do so. May God bless you richly, Suresh.
(UNITED STATES) I am 55 years young. Married 26 good years. Recently widowed 3 years ago. I have four well adjusted adult children. I am a follower of Christ. I love God and love people. Walks on the beach, reading, music, cooking, dining out, traveling, loving my husband, loving family. Whoever I marry better like to live near or on water. Ha!
Now I am ready to share my life again. To have the “Gift of Marriage”. God honors marriage, and so do I. I know that someday the Lord will lead my forever mate to me.
This year I am going on my first trip alone, (without family), on a Cruise Ship. WOW!!
(KENYA) I lost my dear husband 17 years back when I was only 33 years old. I am now 50 years old and my two children are grown. I never thought a time would come when I would feel lonely as am now. It’s unfortunate that the men I meet and show interest in me are married. I am not ready to involve myself in such relationships. I want to meet a widower who is ready for a new relationship (friendship or marriage).
(UK) I would just like to say that sometimes it is the widow or widower who try to force other members of the family to move on far too soon. It was a horrendous ordeal to have to adjust to my son-in-law’s new partner after only 5 months and to be introduced so casually to her after taking home my grand daughters after having them for the week end. He was very harsh and callous about my feelings and simply told me move on now. Also he insists I let his stepson and new baby daughter call my husband and I Papa and Nana which I feel are almost sacred special names for our blood grand daughters. I thought Aunty Glenda would be ok for them to call me. Am I wrong?
(US) I want to thank you for your suggestions. I lost my husband of 36 yrs several years ago. I have dated and made some stupid mistakes by getting into a relationship too quickly to fill that void. I was not allowing God to lead me. Now I know that God will find the right man for me just as he did with Abraham when he lost Sarah, then he found Rebekah. I know if I follow the word of God he will lead me to the man he intends for me to be with.
If I may share this though. I find that since I am older now it appears men don’t want to date much? I have tried online dating but you must be so careful. You have to learn to investigate the man you decide to date and always date in a public place until you get to know each other. As the dating progresses (if it does) you should ask certain question. Things like what his interests are and if he is a believer. Some men who have lost a love one think they are ready but not really. I try to be understanding, but tend to move on if he just want to date and not seriously want a new partner. I guess what I am saying here is if your seriously want to have someone in your life to share the remainder of your life with you must take steps to make this happen, but you must depend on God and read his word so that his word will guide you so that you can accept rejection when it happens and it will. You need to be aware of the type of man that will be compatible to you and your desires as a couple. Frankly I am just going to trust that God to find the right man for me. Put God first and then go out and have fun…
(PHILIPPINES) My situation is so complicated. I have 1 son and 1 adopted daughter. I am with my son’s father now and he is insulin dependent for almost 9 years. We really haven’t had intercourse for almost 6 yrs. We aren’t get married yet and for that time we don’t make love. I don’t have any relationships with my opposite sex but this time I met a widow man who is my son’s grandfather too. He is much older than me, 19 yrs of difference in our age.
My partner knows about my relationship with this widow man and I love him more than my partner. We already had sex and he loves me too but our problem is his 2 daughters who can’t understand us and they don’t want their father to marry again. And on my partner’s side too, I really don’t know the effect to my kids. What will I do??? I wish somebody could help me.
Try to convince your husband to accept your new relationship. Dye your hair in white platinum and make it curly. Explain to your husband that this relationship is for health reasons, to keep you and the elderly man healthy so you can continue to take care of him.
This does not sound like a Christian relationship, nor is the person below giving you Christian advice. Seek Jesus. He will direct you.
(KENYA) I’m 37 years old, a widow for seven years. I have a soon who is 12yrs; I took him to a boarding school due to poor performance in day school. Since he left I’ve been so lonely and I’ve been praying to God for a partner because I feel I’m ready to remarry. My husband died of HIV and I later discovered I was infected. I’m strong and full of life ahead of me; I pray for a partner with the same status as mine but still strong and ready for marriage and I’m waiting on God.
(KENYA) I am a lady aged 53 years. My late husband died 5 years ago and I have a son who is 26 years of age. I have been wanting to remarry but I have not come across any interested person. I am a Christian and am trusting Almight GOD that very soon I will come across somebody who will be interested in me. At times I feel so lonely but I have no otherwise. Please pray that I can get someone from my country and my tribe (KIKUYU). I will appreciate it (54-65). GOD BESS YOU ALL.
(NIGERIA) My hubby passed on 24 months ago. I was 33 yrs at the time and I have 3 children, ages- 7, 5, and 3 respectively. The last one was 9 months at the time. I was alone since then praying for God’s direction on whether to re-marry or not. Just a month ago I met this man, a young divorcee and right now I think we are in a serious relationship, which will eventually lead to marriage. Please, I need your prayer to pull through as I cannot cope alone. We really love each other (for now) and would wish to continue for the rest of our lives.
Hi dear, I lost my husband at a very tender age when I was only 28 yrs old, in the year February, 1996. I mourned my loved one for more than ten years but realized that however deep I cry for him, he will never come back. I was left with a small baby boy of four months who is now 17 yrs old and in form III. I have struggled to find love but none has been promising as most men even widowers, are just out there to play with women. Sometimes I feel so lonely but pray that one day God will give me the right person. It has not been easy but God has been lifting us up whenever we are down. Am now 45 yrs but have not yet found love.
I am a single and I am 25. I have never been in a relationship. I didn’t have any interest to be in a relationship until I met this guy. I met him through facebook. He is a 34 years old widower and he has a 9 year old daughter. I would say that it is love at first sight cos I accepted just because I like the way he smiles. I must say that he is brave enough to say that he is a widower and he has a daughter, and he is looking for a serious relationship on the first day we talked. He is a Christian.
I have this nature that I don’t trust men. But I think I really fell for him. We have known each other just about 2 months but we did have some arguments on and off. Every time he will let go of our arguments and will talk to me with sweet words again. Since I met him, I prayed to God that I have never been in love before but I think I really like him. If he is the one that God prepared for me please keep the door open for me. So when we have arguments or when something happened like we didn’t contact each other for 2 or 3 days, I will tell “God, please keep him away from me, if he is not the right one for me.” But surprisingly, everytime I talked to God like that, he will contact me again on that day itself. So I don’t really know what should I do and I have been praying too.
Sometimes, I just can’t trust him cos he couldn’t send me more of his photos or call my phone, reason being he is in the sea. Oh.. he is a sailor. So he said he couldn’t call me. I only have few photos of him and I have never talked to him on phone before. On top of that, I never believed or trusted online dating. But I can’t ignore the fact that I like him. Now he told me that he will come to Singapore to meet with me at the end of March after he is done with his work. Please give me some advice and spiritual guidance. I have no experience in this thing called love and relationship and I am scared that I will be hurt too. I am confused and can’t think anything straight. Please help me.
Please be careful. If you have never met them in person, please be aware they may be misleading you. Some of the warning flags are when they cannot give you photos or call you. There are people out there that prey on men/women to “fall in love”, and then somewhere down the line, they need money. These are people who are generally using other people’s photos they found on the internet. They tell you what you want to hear, so that you will trust them and “fall in love”. If the guy starts requesting you send him money, especially if he says it’s an emergent need, beware….it’s a scam. I experienced it a little, but then figured out he wasn’t who he said he was.
I am engaged to a widow. She lost her husband 7 years ago. It was very recent. His photos had been removed from the wall. There are 4 kids involved –three teenagers, and one child who is 9. The nine year old is mine. His mother also passed several years ago.
The Holidays are coming and the ex in-laws have invited to be with the children (3) hers. For holiday dinner, she had always had dinner at in-laws, but this year would like to have it at home, as a new family. This seems to be causing some anger between the ex in-laws and my fiancé. The in- laws are dead set against me being a part of their ex daughter in-laws life altogether, and treats her as if she is doing something very bad. What can I do??
Hi Tom, I’m a little confused. You said that this widow “lost her husband 7 years ago” and then you say, “it was very recent.” “7 years ago” isn’t “recent.” But, whatever is the case, I believe that since you are engaged, and not married yet, that it would be best if you gave a little space and grace to these in-laws. Either allow the in-laws to have dinner with their grandchildren exclusively, or with their mother with the grandchildren. You aren’t married yet… why rush into this aspect of married life when you aren’t even there yet? Yes, eventually, it would be good for all of you to have meals together, but give them some time to adjust to your coming into the family.
Next year (if you are married by then) would be soon enough. And if that causes too many problems, then consider letting them take the kids out to dinner without either of you, on a day other than Christmas. Be generous here and give grace. Don’t get so caught up in “right-fighting” that you forget to be peacemakers, even when you don’t want to be. No… your fiancé isn’t doing anything wrong by marrying again, but fall on the side of being generous and giving grace, as far as these grieving in laws are concerned. Hopefully they will eventually come around, but this holiday time, give them the gift of a special dinner without added conflict. And hopefully, they will eventually be able to see that you are giving them this gift of celebration during the holidays, and they’ll invite you to be included. I hope so. You can have another Holiday dinner with all the kids another day. This doesn’t wipe out every day of the year for you. Consider giving them one or a few here and there, where they’re able to celebrate without added tension. Sometimes it’s better to be generous than to be “right” in how you do everything. I hope you will.