After your spouse has been deceased for a period of time, you may think about the possibility of remarriage. In practically every interview we conducted with widows and widowers, remarriage was a common topic of conversation.
…This [article] is designed to give helpful information to you who are presently planning a remarriage. Or it may be something you are open to in the future. If you ever think of remarrying, read this material carefully. Even if you feel it is God’ will to follow this goal, there are numerous practical aspects to keep in mind.
Surround yourself scripture and prayer.
Whatever you do, be sure you’re guided by the Scriptures in your pursuits. Surround yourself with prayer to help you follow God’s will. We believe that God is Master of every facet of life. If you believe in his Word, every major step you take —including remarriage —will be directed by him.
As part of the research for writing this [article], we interviewed survivors who have married so we could list criteria to consider before remarrying. Examine each item carefully. If you have difficulty resolving any of the questions posed, you need to examine your reasons for remarriage and your overall goals. The questions below are not listed in any order of importance. Each question is vital to the success of your new marriage.
How long should you wait before you remarry?
The answer depends on a number of circumstances. Some authorities say that it should be at least a year after the death of your mate before you make any major decision. This certainly includes marriage. If the death of your mate was sudden, the resolution of your grief may be particularly difficult. You may find it best to wait several years before even considering the idea of remarriage. Conversely, if your mate had a lingering illness and you went through a partial process of grief before his or her death, you may be comfortable in remarrying in less than a year. If this is true, the timing of your marriage may be of secondary importance. We are convinced, however, that resolving the answers to the next questions could take several months. It may even take years, for some individuals.
If there are children, how do they feel about your remarrying?
This issue was a serious one for Rita and me. That is because she had four adult children and I had three. At first my children had only a slight acquaintance with Rita. Her children did not know me at all. After studying this question carefully and consulting counselors and trusted friends, we took a path that has been reasonably successful. It has helped us establish a harmonious family relationship. We recommend the following guidelines for your consideration:
1. Introduce your prospective spouse to your children as early as possible.
Much of any initial negative reaction is because the individuals really do not know each other. If possible, let all the children in both families get acquainted before any marriage plans are announced. When you meet the children of your intended, be as natural as possible. Do not try to be someone you are not. They might not accept you completely, but if you show yourself to be a “phony,” they will be even more suspicious. Especially if the children are young, respect them for who they are. Be sensitive to their grief over the loss of the deceased parent. It may still be very painful to them.
Avoid recommendations about child-rearing to your intended at this stage. If his or her children make you uneasy for any major reason, have a serious conversation about your feelings. Even though it may be hard to accept, you will not only become involved with his or her children but other family members as well.
2. The final decision to remarry must be made by both of you.
Although the feelings of adult children regarding your remarrying must be considered, the final decision must be made by both of you for the best interests of all. Some children may be negative toward any relationship you enter. They may still be economically and emotionally dependent on you as a parent. And they may feel neglected if you remarry. A few people find it difficult to make adjustments in their life and always prefer the status quo. On the other hand, if your children are opposed because of some specific loving concerns, consider these aspects carefully. While you should be concerned about the feelings of your children, you need to take charge of your life and do what you believe is best.
The most logical step is to discuss your children’s reactions with your pastor, a counselor, and trusted friends who will keep the children’s misgivings confidential. You need the opinions of persons who are somewhat detached from your situation. They can best give you objective advice about your relationship.
Once you’re comfortable with the decision you have made, announce your intentions to your children privately. Ask for their love, prayers, and goodwill. After you decide to remarry, most loving children will want your marriage to succeed. They will be supportive. If not, the passage of time usually helps people adjust to new situation.
3. Absorbing young children into a new marriage may be a major source of conflict for both of you.
The stepfather’s or stepmother’s role may be demanding and traumatic, when young children are involved. We have observed that a husband and wife may agree on nearly everything except how to raise children, their own or someone else’s! It’s nearly impossible to remain detached from such problems once a couple is united in a remarriage.
Often the family situation is still more challenging when you marry a divorced person and bring a child who has been living with the ex-spouse into your new home. Some children of divorced parents are very troubled. They have a great capacity to spread discord wherever they go. Consider these possibilities seriously before remarrying.
Before you enter into a marriage where young children are involved, it would be advisable to air your concerns with your pastor and/or trusted friends. Don’t let the present grief of your mate’s death cause you to enter into a new marriage that is risky for all involved.
What is the financial status of each of you?
Of all the issues that may imperil a marriage, the subject of money can be the most deadly. The issues below must be studied and resolved before the marriage takes place.
An agreement must be reached if one of you has much more money than the other. There must be a clear understanding of how finances will be divided. There probably would not be a 50-50 split of assets in this circumstance. If this is a potential trouble spot, identify it early in a relationship.
A definite plan must be established with regard to spending money. Decide how much will be spent for yourselves, your children’s needs, recreation, vacations, or eating away from home. If you are planning to establish a joint checking account, there should be a clear understanding about which expenditures will be made from that source. Unless such a decision is reached, there is considerable potential for disagreement and stress.
A program must be agreed on with regard to checking, savings, and various investment accounts. The exact ownership and plans for these accounts should be described in detail in a prenuptial agreement. This is especially true if either of you has children. Normally it is recommended that each of you keep your own name on any savings or investments that were yours before the remarriage. Decide whether the beneficiaries of the accounts will be your new mate or certain children. Sometimes joint checking accounts are established with the understanding that both parties will contribute agreed-on amounts each month. For your mutual protection, property bought jointly after marriage should be stated on the title as “joint tenants with right of survivorship.”
Should you have a prenuptial agreement and new wills?
The establishment of a prenuptial agreement before a second marriage is advisable. This is especially true if there are children involved and either of you have various financial holdings. In the event of a divorce or death of one of you, each mate needs to have a clear understanding of his or her legal rights.
New wills are an absolute must so that each of you will know which possessions will be yours on the death of the other. Also, make sure you formalize your wishes regarding any other separate or joint heirs. Be sure it is mentioned within your will that a prenuptial agreement has been made. If it does not, there can be considerable heartache for all concerned. Your county’s legal society can recommend local lawyers who specialize in premarital agreements and wills.
Are you sexually compatible?
One of the most important aspects of any marriage is the degree of sexual satisfaction attained by each of you. Your need for sexual gratification probably did not terminate at the death of your mate. There is a lot of research data to show that a majority of healthy persons remain sexually active up to age eighty and beyond.
If you intend to remarry, discuss your degree of sexual interest in this area with your prospective mate. There is potential for a great amount of stress if a person who has previously had an active sex life marries someone who has little interest in sexual intimacy. The same is true if they have different ideas of how to express that intimacy. One of the most authoritative books regarding this matter is Sex over 40 by Saul H. Rosenthal, M.D. Another interesting publication is Common Sense Christianity by Gerald Mann, who devotes an entire chapter to “great Sex for Christians.”
What are your religious beliefs?
Of all the questions cited so far, this one may have the greatest potential for trouble between a couple. Resolve this issue before you pursue a relationship to any great depth. Our studies of this question have led us to some rather firm beliefs about related concerns.
Basic spiritual values:
If persons of any age (especially older) have never been interested in church attendance, tithing, prayer, etc, they may never be. There is a good prospect they won’t embrace all or even some of these aspects just because they marry. We hope that they will change their lives. However, they probably will not.
Evangelism in a marriage:
The Bible tells us not to be “unequally yoked” with a nonbeliever (2 Corinthians 6:14). To disobey this admonition may be an invitation to a stress-filled and unsuccessful marriage. Never enter a marriage with the expectation that your fervent witnessing will eventually lead your spouse to accept the gospel truths.
What will be your living arrangements?
There are many questions that need to be answered in this arena.
1. Will you live in the other’s home or your own?
2. Will you both sell your houses (or move from your apartments)? Or will you buy or rent a new dwelling place that is jointly “yours”?
3. Will you have his or her children (and/or your own) living with you?
4. Will you use some of the furniture of each mate or buy everything new?
5. How will you dispose of items not needed in the new home?
Our experience and survey data show that there are no clear-cut answers for each of the previous questions. Each situation has to be judged individually. It’s important to find a plan that will satisfy both of you. If either of you is unhappy about living in the other person’s house, make other living arrangements.
Do either of you have family or financial obligations?
Discuss these details completely before the marriage takes place. Jo and Linda were married sometime after the deaths of their mates. One month after the marriage ceremony, Linda discovered the following information about Joe’s commitments:
- He told his mother she could live with them for the next two years instead of going to a nursing home.
- Jo was giving about $200 a month to his unmarried (and usually unemployed) son, who lived in the next town.
- He had taken limited bankruptcy three years ago and still owed creditors over $20,000.
Obviously this information was most upsetting to Linda. These facts, along with Joe’s refusal to compromise on certain religious issues, caused their later divorce. There should be no secrets of this type between two persons contemplating marriage!
Will you avoid comparison of your deceased mate with your new one?
You will never find a mate exactly like your first. Your new husband or wife will have some good (and bad) qualities your first mate didn’t have, and vice versa. Do not place your former mate on a pedestal and challenge your new partner to be the same. Leaving the deceased’s picture on the wall and remarking that he or she “was so good” about doing such-and-so is not conducive to a harmonious second marriage. Conversely, there is no profit in amplifying all the faults of your former spouse. Be fair and objective about your first mate, without making direct or indirect comparisons to your new or intended partner. What happened in your first marriage is history. Let it go at that.
If you have grown children, what will be your contact with them after you marry?
Your marriage will be a major adjustment for your adult children. If you follow some rather simple guidelines, your new marriage can be very successful.
First of all, let your children know that you still love them. They should feel welcome to call you and see you within the bounds of common courtesy and good sense. Having a new spouse should not cause you to be isolated from your children, even if they have misgivings about the marriage.
Second, don’t go to your children with every problem or conflict that you have with your new spouse. It can be counterproductive to do so. In every disagreement have a private talk with your mate. Try to resolve conflict at that level. Playing “mind games” with each other’s children is a sure way of breeding major problems for a marriage.
How will you manage family traditions and holidays?
The first Thanksgiving and Christmas following a second marriage calls for much planning and discussion. There are many relatives to consider. A calm, well-developed plan can avoid much unneeded stress. Keep as many of your own family traditions as you can. But it’s good to be ready to compromise to include your new mate’s relatives. You may need to have two Thanksgiving meals —or one big one for all. Can your traditions and celebrations be exactly the same as with your first mate? Of course not. If both of you are willing to try new plans, family gatherings can be harmonious, and fun-loving for all.
To summarize, we want to emphasize that remarriage is not necessary or desirable for everyone whose mate has died. If you ask God’s blessings and are led to the proper person, however, a new marriage can be highly rewarding.
There were other valuable points made, that we weren’t able to include, from the book, Coping with Life after Your Mate Dies. Donald C. Cushenbery and Rita Crossley Cushenbery are the authors. It is published by Baker Books. Please consider obtaining this book because we believe you could find it very helpful. It is written to be read quickly, and easily.
– ALSO-
For further insights on this topic, please read the following articles posted on the “I Do! Take Two” web site:
• 10 STEP GUIDE TO MARRYING A WIDOWER
• ADVICE FOR WIDOWS AND WIDOWERS CONSIDERING REMARRIAGE CATEGORY
Filed under: Remarriage
Help please. My father passed away Thanksgiving Day of 2013. My parents had been married almost 53 years. About three weeks ago one of our neighbors who was supposed to be a friend of my Dads started coming down to visit with Mom. He said he hoped the kids didn’t get upset because they were hanging out. He started coming early in the morning and staying until late in the evening.
The following week I jokingly asked her if he had moved in on her and her response was heartbreaking. After one week – maybe a week and a half – he wants to get married and she has agreed. I feel this is just bad timing (it’s almost the first year anniversary of Dad’s death). I also am very concerned because of how soon she is rushing into this. If I had told my parents after dating my now husband that we were getting married after only two weeks, they would have flipped.
I am not trusting this relationship. I don’t understand why she is rushing into this so fast. I feel like she is being pressured and I feel like this man has an underlying agenda. This has severely strained my relationship with my Mother. I feel like I have lost both my parents within a years time. This is totally out of Mom’s character. Other family members are also concerned. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Hi, I am Dinesh from Andrapradesh. I lost my wife one month back. I am 34 yrs & I have two daughters 8yrs & 6yrs. I loved my very…………….. much. I miss my sweetheart. We lived very closely for 9 yrs how to realize my courage my wife. I cannot live without my love, but I must live because of my little children. For my daughters I want to marry again. They are kids. It’s not a time to marry again but for my children I want to marry a widow like me.
I just lost my husband about a month ago. It happened sudden and as of today I still find it hard to believe he is gone. He left me with 3 daughters plus my children from previous marriage. At times I think I should try to start talking to other people but then I feel guilty. We did have our problems before his passing and he was talking to other women, so I’m just wondering if I should be feeling guilty of trying to move on so quickly…
Do not worry, God is great. He will take care of each one of us.
I lost my husband nine years ago. I long for a partner again to be able to share my life with. My motive for wanting to remarry is very simple, yet I believe is a good one. I have prayed about this matter and I believe that God’s will will be done. I know and I believe that the Lord knows my heart and will hear my prayers and answer them.
My wife passed away on October 22, 2013 from colon cancer. However the cancer did not kill her; she had a heart attack during her first chemo treatments. Beside me she left behind our two sons who were 18 and 22 years old.
I started to date after four months and I met a woman who I feel is very compatiable with me. We have been seeing each other now for a year and we are starting to talk about marriage.
I am a roman catholic and according to catholic religion dating a divorced woman or even marrying one is consided to be adultry. My girlfriend’s husband cheated on her and left her for another woman. They are living together and are not married. My girlfriend has been divorced now for 6 years.
She is pentacostal but not a practicing pentacostal. I asked her to apply for an annulment and she originally did but it hurt her to relive the stituation when filling out the forms and she has not fully gone through with it. She feels that an annulment is not needed. I feel that I would like her to submit for an annulment and lets allow the lord to give his grace and grant the annulment. If this does not happen then I am in a difficult spot where I love this woman very much and put my faith in what Matthew states that you are able to get married as long as the divorce was unlawful.
My boys are also still grieving their Mom and whlle they say it is ok that I date they are not overly accepting of me having a girlfriend.
I am looking for advice on how do I deal with the annulment situation; should I insist to complete the application or not and how can I get my sons to accept my girlfriend. Thank you.
Vinny, first, know that Cindy and I grieve for your loss. Even though it’s been more than a year we know it is still “fresh” in your mind and heart. To offer a few thoughts on your question about asking your girlfriend for an annulment – even though she is legally divorced, I don’t think it is wise to “insist” she do this in order to meet your church’ requirements. It’s one thing if it’s a biblical requirement and completely different if it is a “church” requirement that isn’t really based on what the Bible requires.
“If” she were to comply with your request, most likely it would be a point of contention between the two of you the rest of your lives. And this “difference” between the two of your church experience’/traditions is just the tip of the iceberg in things you may differ on. This means that the two of you should get into pre-marital counseling to deal with ALL of the potential problems NOW to make sure you are truly compatible for each other in all areas – and not just in the annulment issue.
As for your sons, it’s good you are sensitive to their feelings. Listen to what they have to say and weigh it… they may see truth you aren’t seeing. But because they are not minors where your girlfriend would be taking on the role of step-mother, unless they have a very compelling reason why they would be against the marriage, that should not be the determining factor as to whether you marry this woman. Pray about this, weigh their feelings and reasonings, and then go in the direction you believe God would have you.
So, if the annulment issue is a “deal-breaker” for you in the relationship continuing, then you either have to be willing to set aside your deeply held beliefs/traditions, or end the relationship with her and then hold out for another “traditional” catholic” who shares your beliefs. But, even if you were to find another woman who shared your church traditions – remember there is SO much more to marital compatibility that will make or break a marriage so don’t be so narrowly focussed on this one issue that you overlook the hundreds of other areas that need to be examined as well.
I hope this helps a little. Blessings! ~ Steve Wright
I’m a widow of 6 years and I’m so glad I found your website. It’s brought me confirmation, blessings and direction. We were married for 34 yrs. when we found out he had Stage 4 lung cancer. He worked up to the day he passed away… a month and a half later dying in my arms. The next morning he was to have begun aggressive chemo and radiation which the Drs said may have given him a year. God knew what he needed and what I needed.
I’ve never been mad at God, except once. I felt I should have been taken with him. My husband was a good man. Now 6 years later, after making many changes in my life, “I feel” I am ready to marry again. But very cautious and certainty not desperate. Placing my will, into God’s Will Be Done. Either way, I’m getting on with life. They say Patience is a virtue. God Bless you all who are also on the journey.
The hardest part is to keep growing emotionally and spiritually. Much less to keep physically active, eat right and not allow the waves (of overwhelming grief at times) to tow you under. I’ve learned to lean into it and when I feel I’m getting stuck, I need to reach out to trusted friends and family. Even with that, learning the differences in depth between being married ( couple-ness) to being a widow (aloneness) and the single-ness of it all. One step at a time and trusting that God does have a plan for me. Being Joyful in Hope, Patient in Affliction, Faithful in Prayer. God has been so faithful and has provided. I do what I can and leave the rest to Him. At times I need to be reminded ; To be still and know that He is God, not me. Blessings!
I am a widow for 10 years, and I am lonely.
How old are you now? Do you have children? I want to believe that you will love to meet a new person. Are you a Christian?
I am a widow with three great kids at 30 years. My husband passed away just last month after battling with blood cancer. I have decided from my heart never to remarry for the sake of my kids. I pray for God’s guidance and protection over them.
I have been a widower for two months. My wife and I were married for a very happy 52 years. At this time, I grieve daily. We did everything together. I don’t think I am ready to remarry, even though my wife always said I wouldn’t last 6 months. What I crave is companionship, not necessarily physical intimacy. My children (all adult) expect me to remarry at some point. I spend a lot of time with my children and grandchildren and keep very busy in church and community affairs. Should I consider dating? It would be great just to have someone to attend the theater or to hike together or take in a movie. Is it too early? I can’t seem to overcome the feeling of loneliness and feel as if a very important part of me has been ripped away. Is this normal?
My Father-in-Law remarried one and a half years after his wife of 30+ years died of ovarian cancer. We privately found it odd that even though the new wife’s deceased husband passed away several year’s prior, she still kept a “shrine” with her former husband’s photo on the wall for the five years my Father-in-Law was married to her. Sadly, my Father-in-Law died suddenly after 5 years married to his new wife. His new, wealthy wife who didn’t even pay for the funeral, but took it out of her deceased husband’s meager estate. Both of her husbands died suddenly from heart erythemas.
Bob
I understand some of what you are talking about. I have been widowed twice..20 years of happy marriage EACH time. You are right. The loneliness is often suffocating. I found myself walking around the house like a toddler looking for a blanket. The two months time frame, like you, began this phase of pain. Dating or looking for another lover is overkill at this stage. You will need to wait till you are ready to give your heart away again in love, romance and devotion and not out of need. Romance is not the best way to deal with loneliness at this point.
I purposefully went out about every evening (the worst time of day for me) to be with people, even if it was sitting at the mall and watching people.
I found events and entertainment things to do in the evenings to occupy my time and temporarily soothe my loneliness for months to come. Ballroom dancing, movies, church socials, visits with grandkids and even working on hobby projects are a few of my pass times. It takes time for your new identity as a SINGLE and not just a half of a couple sets in and defines itself in your own heart.
Attending a Grief Share seminar can help understand your own struggle as well.
Finally, I found comfort in my loneliness through my faith and returning to the fundamentals of my walk with God.
My He give you comfort.
Hi, my name is Lisa. I have been a widow now for 9 years with 5 children. My youngest were twin girls that were 14 when my husband went home to the Lord. My oldest was 20; he took it very hard. We were told my husband had liver cancer on May 3rd and May 23 he went home to the Lord. Very sudden and unexpected.
I have dated a few good men but never wanted to marry them. Five years ago I met this man on a Christian site but only thought of him as a friend. Steve never gave up, he has no children, but loves mine. I realized about six months ago that I was falling for him. He’s such a wonderful man.
Steve asked me to marry him about 3 weeks ago. We both have prayed about it and we know God brought us together. My problem isn’t with my 3 daughters who are now 23 (twins) and another daughter 25. It’s with my sons, 29 and 28. They don’t want me to ever remarry to anyone. They think that I’m still married to their dad. They care about Steve a lot but say we ought to just live together. We, Steve and I, don’t want that. We know that’s not God’s plan. How do I get them to understand without them resenting Steve?
Lisa; I understand your situation. I have been widowed twice and now married the third time. At my first remarriage my wife and I blended 8 teenagers. At my recent remarriage those 8 kids are ages 35-43 and the grandkids were all under 18. We learned from others that it was not uncommon for children of widows in their twenties seem to have more troubles accepting a remarriage than most other ages.
This could be attributed to a few observations. Twenty-somethings still tend to identify with their past when defining who they are. They are still establishing their own adult-hood. Boys tend to be the “protectors” of mom also. I saw that with my second wife’s 4 boys. Some of them were the slowest to be free to call me DAD. For one, it took nearly 3 years after we were married that I heard him defend me as his Dad to others.
I realized I needed to win them to me as a person before they were totally comfortable with my marriage to their mom. Having had experience with teens both at home (my own) and at work (I taught at a JR. college) I concentrated on establishing as close of a relationship with her sons as they would let me. I let them see how I loved and took care of their mother. I honored their dad as much as I could by including their family into mine as much as I could. We presented ourselves to the children of our spouse as ADDITIONS to their family and not REPLACEMENTS for their previous parent.
This second time I was married, the kids were all over 35 and all but one married. With the success of the previous marriage under their belt, they all were more concerned about MY happiness than they were their loyalties to a family that did not exist any more due to death. Due to their maturity and security in their own families and the fact that they trusted my judgement, they have all accepted our recent marriage wonderfully.
Of course, I don’t know much about your boys. Married? Believers in the Bible? Maturity level? Security in their job? Personality type? These can all play a role in how they look at you and your future happiness.
You may be doing all these things but here would be some bottom line suggestions. Steve’s relationship with the boys is very important. He has to communicate that he does not plan to replace their dad but be a good companion to their mother. You need to be honest about your emotional need for Steve’s companionship that your boys can not fufill, plus look down the road a few years when their life responsibilities can increase leaving you even more alone than you are now.
The “living together” part needs to be NOT an option. You can even tell them they are suggesting that you go against your conscience and God. That is very demeaning and disrespectful to you. They are being very selfish, to put it bluntly. Hopefully something I have said will help. DK – from Griefreliefministries.com
Hello Cindy, Your article was nicely written and very thought provoking. I have been looking on the web to answer a nagging question that I have. My wife passed away 14 months ago. I have been dating a nice woman the last few months.My question is if I remarry what do I call my deceased wife? She is not my x-wife, right?
I need some guidance on this sensitive subject as it could affect our grown children and my potential new wife. Thanks in advance for your help. Doug
Hi Doug… so sorry about your wife. My heart goes out to you. I would think that you would call her your first wife. That is a place of honor for your children, and yet clarifies it if you remarry.
There is another article I recommend you read on our web site, found at: http://host.agencysrvr.com/~marriage/when-death-parts-us/. It is written by David Knapp, a dear friend to my husband and me. He has been widowed twice (we knew both of his wives… lovely, lovely women). He is now remarried to another gal, who we love dearly, as well. I recommend you read the article, and then possibly go to David’s web site at Griefministries.com. He is also coming out with a book on coping with grief. You may want to ask David a few questions, and/or purchase his book when it comes out this fall.
I pray the best for you and your family. May the Lord minister to you in the ways you need it the most and give you moments of smiles along the way.
I thank you for this article and all the comments. My dear husband passed away March 18th of this year. It has only been five months and I’m still devastated. He had been married before and had three grown daughters when we met. He was 16 years older than me. His first wife passed away shortly before we met and I had just gotten divorced from an abusive marriage. We took it slow because of his kids and because of my problems with trust and allowing closeness again. God surely brought us together as I see now how many things had to align Just Right for us to even meet, especially when neither of us was considering someone.
I loved him with my whole being. We worked together well as partners and were evenly matched spiritually and in most of our beliefs. I’m a caregiver to my elderly mother with dementia. She had lived with us for three years before his passing and he helped me greatly. Now she’s here with just me and I have promised to take care of her to the end. My family didn’t approve of my marriage and have walked away from me and his children never warmed up to me the way I prayed they would and don’t speak to me either. Most of his family is the same. So except for my mom and some close friends, I’m alone.
However, as hard as this is, this is how I’m comfortable. I never want to be in a marriage or relationship like that again. I had it almost perfect for fifteen years and nothing could ever be better than that so I feel why settle for second best? I am not very healthy and pray and study the Bible a lot along with writing and arts and crafts. I’m however, already hearing everyone tell me how it is only right that at my age, 47, I would find someone to marry again.
I cannot have children and am not interested in sex for sex sake. To me sex was only wonderful because we loved each other so. Is it horrible for me to feel this way and devote myself to caring for others and asking the Lord to fill me up until it is my turn to go to heaven and be with Him and Jesus and my loved ones again? Why does society believe we cannot be happy and fulfilled without being part of a couple? Those of us that don’t want this are made to feel weird and wrong.
Hi Jill – I’m very sorry for your loss and I’m speaking as one with a wonderful 26 year marriage who “lost” his wife to brain cancer in 2013. I certainly understand your feelings being 5 months a widow and especially after having a man of God by your side in the form of your husband.
I don’t think what you asked for “until you go home” is wrong at all! Sounds like the Lord grants you peace and contentment while you serve Him in your singleness Praise Him! I too felt the same way when, about 8 months after my wife had passed, I found myself desiring to date. I went to a particular church Elder I know (who was widowed and remarried) and asked him how is it I’m feeling like this? I was married to the love of my life (both of us Christians at marriage)! He said read Genesis – it’s our (a man’s) design! I studied, prayed and found that I’m free to re-marry and I’ll never stop loving my first wife!
Your Genesis design is to respond IF in fact the Lord puts the RIGHT Christian man in front of you, and you don’t have to feel guilty if you choose to respond or remain single! As time passes, the God of all comfort (2 Cor 1:3-5) brings you out of mourning and grieving and you move ahead with the work He wants you to do for His Kingdom (Eph 2:10).
I found this site “Googlng” for sites about widowers remarriage. I’ve been a widower about 2.5 years. I’m 59 with three twenty something daughters (my wife went to Heaven after a 2.5 year battle with cancer). Definitely a lot of good information to review and meditate over at this site.
By far and away the BEST advice here are the two points you made about “religious” beliefs: 1. Basic Spiritual Values and 2. Evangelism in marriage. If you’re a truly born again believer in the Lord Jesus then evaluate the person of interest using these two points at the get go – not after you have gone out for a while. If the answer is positive, then proceed with caution. If not, STOP seeing the person and either present the Gospel or challenge their theology with the truth!
Quick comment that I recently heard from a well known, solid, Biblically based Christian ministry while attending their re-marriage seminar: The re-marriage unit of husband and wife takes priority over all the “blended” children concerns and/or objections just as your children with your first spouse were required to submit to the husband and wife unit under your first marriage. Again, back to the “religious” questions above, this is a perfect continuation of Scripture in that re-marriage is permitted and you are free to love and commit yourself to another IF you believe God is leading you in that direction. This is not to say you ignore your children’s “issues”; of course you listen and offer Biblical answers as best as you can. However, if you are pursuing another Biblical relationship they are to come into submission with your decision, and you are not to wait for their “final approval” before consummating your new relationship.
Is all this “easy?” – no but it’s getting easier! After a pretty good marriage I never thought at my age I’d be “dating” again. However, I’ve come to grips that we live in a dying, decaying world, my wife is in Heaven and I’ll see her again, our sovereign God permitted my wife to go ahead of me for His purpose, and there’s kingdom work for me to do while I’m still here…so perhaps it’s with another wife…perhaps not. As the male pursuer, I won’t know unless I pursue, will I?
I do appreciate the forum. I am a widow since 9th May, 2011 following the death of my husband after a one year of battling with cancer. I’m a mother of three young ladies 20, 16 and 10. The thought of getting married scares me due to the great love I have for my children. I keep asking myself whether I can manage to date another man and where would I even meet a man that I can say I will get to love. Most of my friends tell me that I have opted to hide behind spirituality and I deny the emotional and social part of me. Is it possible that I can love again?
Lilian, I read your contents. My dear, you need to open up and live your life. You will find love once you decide to have a right guy. Though you need to be smart as all men will not be as loyal as you may want them to be.
First decide how you’ll handle your kids when you’re in relationship. I’m in a relationship as well for 8 years with a widow. But she’s hardly able to spend time with me as her son who is 18 years does not approve this relationship. It’s a very difficult situation. You need to be ready for reality.
Note you have a life too and it’s very important for you to live the way you feel is right and do not be controlled. All the best, dear.
Hi, I’m aged 42 years and divorced. I have two sons aged 17 & 11 years and both stay with me. I’m in a relationship with a widow for almost 7 years and she had two kids, a son and daughter aged 18 & 19 years.
Two years ago her daughter passed away in a terrorist attack and her son survived with bullet wounds. I need your advice and help. I am Hindu and she’s Muslim. I used to get along very much with her son and I had proposed to her several times before. After the incident I put forward my marriage proposal to her family members as I felt she needed my support more than ever. I always spoke to her son and my kids as well and all was going well, only later to know her son was against me and the idea of us getting married.
Family members together brainwashed the boy to an extent that he fights with his mother. We hardly meet each other or can even go out though we work together and that’s only the time we spend. On my side we are very open minded and my family loves them both accepting her son, as well, as part of us.
On the other hand my lady cannot take any step to be with me as her son threatens her. I therefore decided not to marry but we continue our relationship though now she hardly goes out with me apart from our working hours. I’m feeling torn apart since I have just been waiting for years to improve relations, but instead it worsens. Tell me please what should I do?
Vimal, I am so sorry for this situation you find yourself in with the woman you love. It is admirable that you have stuck with her through all of the turmoil she has endured. More than anything I wish I could tell you that your relationship with her was going to turn for the better. But because you are dealing not only with this woman’s son, you are also dealing with an entire culture and as long as she allows her son to control her, you will have no chance to have the kind of relationship that you (and she) desire. And as hard as this will be for you to accept the finality of the relationship, we believe it is best for you to completely let her go.
Don’t torture yourself and her by trying to have even a “casual” work relationship. You need to sever all contact, even if it means leaving the company you work for to find a job at another location. I hope you don’t think this was easy advice for me to give to you. It comes from what we have seen happen over many years of marriage ministry and we have never seen a situation like yours work out the way you would desire. While the pain and heartache will be very intense now, it can get better. I will pray for you. ~ Steve Wright, Marriage Missions International.
I thank you people of God, for this forum. I’m a widow aged 44 with 4 children. My husband died 10 years ago. I have been sceptical about re-marrying bcoz I feared that I would hurt my children. My 3 children have completed high school and they’re doing tertiary Education. Most of the time they leave me alone. I feel I need a partner but my worry is where can I find a strong believer because I’m a believer. I’m worried. There’s a pastor who took advantage of and squandered my money. Ever since then, my heart is kind of closed to Zambians. Is it right to ask God for a white man, preferably a missionary to compliment with the burden that I have for my fellow widows? please advise and pray for me.