I’m going to approach this article a bit differently than others I’ve written. I feel a need to address both women and men on this matter, because it DOES matter. It’s a struggle, whether you’re the wife or the husband. Both feel very strongly about this part of their marriage. This article addresses the issue of when a wife doesn’t want to have sex. But it also addresses what it is like for the man to be refused.
I totally agree with something Dr Phil McGraw has said on his television program,
“Sex might not be everything but it registers higher (90 percent) on the ‘importance scale’ if it’s a source of frustration in your relationship. It is a gigantic issue, if your sex life is unfulfilled. On the other hand, couples that have satisfying sex lives rate sex at only 10 percent on the ‘importance scale.'” (From Ten Relationship Myths)
For both husband and wife, it’s a huge problem if they aren’t in agreement.
First: To The Husband Whose Wife Doesn’t Want Sex
I can’t even start to know the frustration you’re experiencing. I’ve listened to men (and my own husband) as they’ve voiced their anxiety and grief and utter angst over this issue. However, because I’m not a man, I don’t really understand it in the same way another man would.
So, when I came across a series of articles written by Paul Byerly, and I saw the value of what Paul has written, I determined to let him address this issue from a man’s perspective. He and his wife Lori have a wet site called The Marriage Bed. Paul knows what he is talking about on this issue.
So men, please read the following series of articles posted on The-generous-husband.com web site (you may even want to question him about this matter):
• WHY WIVES SAY NO TO SEX, AND WHAT A MAN CAN DO ABOUT IT
And then here are two great articles written by Sheila Wray Gregoire on this same issue. Sheila addresses husbands, helping them to figure out why she doesn’t like sex in the first place. And then what to do about it. We encourage you to read these articles (and comments posted below it). Sheila does a great job in explaining things:
• FOR THE GUYS: When Your Wife Hates Sex
• 10 QUESTIONS TO ASK IF YOUR WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX
— ADDITIONALLY —
Neil Black wrote the following articles, which you may find helpful:
• HELP! MY WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX
• HELP! MY WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX – Part 2
I hope men find the above series of articles, from both Paul Byerly and Neil Black, helpful!
Next: For Wives Who Do Not Want to Have Sex:
I realize that this is a complex issue for the wife who is denying her husband, as well. There are so many reasons why you may not want to make love to your husband. Some of these reasons may be lack of desire, his cleanliness, his demanding, abusive, controlling ways, which turn you off when you consider having any physical contact with him. And then there are pornography issues —either his or yours. Satisfaction is being achieved through false, sinful entertainment. We deal with many of those issues in other topics of this web site. Please search for them.
There’s also busyness, where you’re too tired to make love to your husband because of the demands of children, job obligations, household chores, etc. There are so many reasons why a wife may want to say no to having sex with her husband. Lori Byerly, of The Generous Wife web site wrote a blog addressing this issue, that you may find insightful. I sure did —probably because I have had to make similar decisions:
• THE SEX QUESTIONS — WHEN SHE SAYS NO
These issues are also addressed within other topics on this web site. Please seek and you will find. It’s not that they will give instant answers, or every answer; they won’t. But I believe you will find inspiration and at least some help to make changes that are needed in intimately connecting with your marriage partner.
Past Abuse Nightmares
Also, there is the problem of past abuse from other men and how it may be haunting you today. When your husband touches you it sends off memory triggers. These triggers may remind you of the horrible hurt you went through earlier in life. It may also have stripped your desire to have even a loving husband touch you.
I can relate. I’ve been there and have worked through that extremely difficult situation.
I write a bit about it in the article:
• WHEN PAST SEXUAL ABUSE AFFECTS A MARRIAGE’S INTIMACY
If this is what you are dealing with, there’s also a few other articles you may want to read:
• SEXUAL OBSTACLES: Healing an Emotional Wound
There may be other issues, such as addictions, and bitterness over marriage situations. Just so you know, we have articles on those issues on this web site, as well.
But whatever it is, please work on it.
They say, “Whoever wants sex the least has the most power in bed.” That seems to be true. If a lot of withholding is going on, there is a power struggle going on and the bedroom is “a lousy place for a battle of the will.”
I agree that there are seasons where we need to work on issues pertaining to our sex life together. But when it drags on to more than a “season” then there are problems. The Bible tells us,
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and like-wise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.“ (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)
You had to have known that before you married that it isn’t good to deprive one another. Being intimate and exclusive with each other is all part of being married. If you wanted to withhold having sex with your spouse, you shouldn’t have married.
Perhaps you have changed in your libido or your desire.
Keep in mind that marriage is not all about you. This is a partnership. And just like your husband needs to work with you on compromises, you need to work with him on compromises too.
But be careful in how you do this. Don’t just lay there and let him be intimate with you, while you pout and think, “just get it over with.” That won’t satisfy your husband (or you) either. Marriage is about giving. It is stated throughout the Bible, that it’s more blessed to give than to receive. We’re also told to serve one another, with a good heart. Jesus was our ultimate example in being a servant. As we’re told in Philippians 2 we’re to, “have this same attitude as Christ Jesus.“
You know deep in your heart if you’re being difficult with your husband. You also should know that you’re asking more of him than you should if you keep rejecting him sexually. And yet you’re expecting him to be celibate because you also expect him to stay faithful in all ways.
Yes, he should stay faithful.
That’s what God expects of him too. But if you are not being intimate with him if he wants and needs you, you’re putting temptation in front of him. You’re putting him in a corner where he can feel trapped. He can’t be intimate with you and yet he has needs. A life sentence of celibacy can be a frightening life for someone who needs that connection with the one he loves and wants. His sexual desires won’t quit plaguing him, just because you say no.
I have to admit that there have been times when I didn’t “want it” when my husband approached me. There was even a LONG period of time when I was dealing with past sexual issues where I denied my husband. I now know that I was wrong in what I did and what I expected of him. I know I didn’t have to to meet his every need when I was hurting so deeply inside. But I needed help to get past the mental torture I was experiencing, and it was wrong of me not to get it. We didn’t have to stay stuck in that place for so long.
My husband pleaded with me and I just looked the other way thinking, “He just needs to control himself. He should understand how painful this is for me.”
A Time for Everything
Yes, it wouldn’t have been too much to ask my husband to “control himself” for a period of time while I was in the depths of therapy. And yes, as my marital partner, he should understand (to a certain degree) how painful this was for me. But I took it way beyond reasonable. Steve really COULDN’T understand my reactions or the depth of my pain. And even if he tried to understand (which he did), I still needed professional help to work through my issues. And then we could work together on ours so this wasn’t something that would go on and on without an end in sight.
I was being unreasonable in my expectations of him. He married me in good faith that we would be marriage partners. Yet I was withdrawing an important connection in that partnership. And whether it was because of past abuse or whatever, it was not reasonable for me to ask my husband to stay pure and not be with me either. I feel that is true in most marriages (unless there are untreatable physical reasons).
Work on your issues.
If there are treatable physical, emotional, or whatever reasons why you can’t get together, please work on them. Don’t deny your spouse and sentence him to a life without you or anyone else. He wants you and no one else. Please work on your issues.
If the reason you can’t be with him is because of physical pain or because of some other physical reason, then work with doctors on this. If it truthfully can’t be medically resolved, then look for other ways to satisfy him. But do it with a good attitude. And if you can’t do things in a “conventional” method because of physical limitations, then find ways to satisfy each other in other ways. Be creative.
The important thing is that you are together, as a man and wife. Just don’t allow any other human being to be involved with both of you (either physically or visually), in your time together. This is YOUR time to be together. Please don’t ask your husband to lead a celibate life if that is not what he desires.
There was a long, long (unreasonably long) season where I pulled back from being intimate with my husband. Eventually, I woke up and realized that I had a good guy that I married. He didn’t deserve to be another victim to what had happened to me in the past. I sought for, and received the emotional help I needed to work through my issues. We eventually came together, and have loved on each other since.
Helpful Resources:
There have been a few dry spells, even after I dealt with my past, where I haven’t wanted it as much as my husband desired. The book, Sacred Sex: A Spiritual Celebration of Oneness in Marriage
God showed me I am not to deny my husband when he needs to be close to me, whenever it is possible. Yes, some times I fall into bed exhausted or I’m not feeling well, and then it happens; he approaches me. But instead of totally denying him, I either offer a “quickie” or ask him if we can be together at another time. (And I make sure it’s soon.) My husband is a reasonable man and that has worked for us.
But what if you don’t feel like it?
If it’s just because I don’t “feel like it” —even then, I offer the same. But most of the time, even if I don’t feel like it, I’ve learned to pray. I ask God to give me the desire. There is a spiritual component involved, when my husband and I are intimate together.
I’ve had times where I’ve started out with NO desire to make love to my husband when he has needed it. But eventually, I’m totally into it as I pray and concentrate on lavishing him with love, coming from a heart filled with the love of God. I’m enjoying loving my husband as much as he is in loving me. Making love then becomes TOTALLY satisfying and enjoyable. I never knew that God would answer that type of prayer, but He does!
Here’s a quote from Sheila Wray Gregoire to consider:
How often have you done this? You’re lying in bed, feeling guilty, wondering, ‘Is he expecting something tonight?’ And then your brain goes into overdrive. ‘Do I feel like it? I don’t know. Is he due? How many days has it been, anyway? If we start right this moment, how many hours of sleep will I still get?’ If you had started making love in the beginning, the silly thing is, you’d be asleep by now! We women often forget that our sex drives are primarily in our brains.
“Unlike for our husbands, arousal usually comes after you start making love, not before. But instead of jumping in, we tend to overanalyze things. Tonight, silence all those thoughts running through your head, and just decide, I am going to feel good, and I am going to feel close to my husband! When you are mentally excited about having sex, your whole body tends to follow. So stop thinking so much, and start doing!”
I hope what I’m writing here helps in some way. I know that there are circumstances where we just don’t want it. And most husbands have those times too. But please make it your mission to work on whatever it is that’s blocking the way of intimately connecting with your marriage partner in this way.
In closing:
Please prayerfully consider something that was written in the above mentioned book, Intimate Issues:
“Making the right decision is never easy but there are benefits to adopting the right attitude. When we choose to love selflessly, we honor God, we make our husbands happy, and we find more pleasure in our lovemaking.
“Dying to self is difficult, but it is necessary if you want to grow in godliness. Being godly means having a godly attitude. Godly attitudes result in godly actions, such as giving your body to your husband. This is easier if you surrender to God and allow His Spirit to work within you. ‘Nothing is impossible with God‘ (Luke 1:37, NIV). God is able to give you desire where none existed before. He can help you exchange wrong thinking with godly thinking. And God can cause you to enjoy deeper intimacy than you ever thought possible.
“God, I confess that I have not always appreciated Your gift of sex —or even wanted it. I have shunned You and withheld my body from my husband. Forgive me. I want to be a willing and creative lover —but it’s hard. Please stir up in me passion and desire for my husband. help me get my mind off myself to You and humbly ask that You begin now to work in me.”
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
I would agree whole-heartedly with your article. My problem is that my wife has told me …point blank, she DOES NOT want a Christian marriage OR to be a Christian wife!! (Anymore). So, yes, it’s been 5.5 months now without sex, and our marriage is going down the drain, sad to say. Guess I need to stop focusing on ‘my’ problems and keep following God’s Word…albeit I have given up on morning prayers …as I feel so lost, hurt, wondering why things have gone from bad to worse. Seems that the more I prayed, the worst things became.
Praying for you brother. I’m sorry for what you are both going through.
Dude.. you are lucky. After my wife had 2nd child (she’s now almost 3) in past 4 years (including 9 month pregnant) I think we have had sex 3 times. It wasn’t even fulfilling sex; she just did it to get past my annoyance. I’m tired of begging. But being faithful doesn’t mean putting up with it, I told her, even if I cheat on her, I’ll tell it to her face first, then do it. So after this Christmas, that’s what I’m going to do. Tell it to her face that something needs to change.
She always says she’s tired. Mind you, I’m 6’3″, 230, making 7 figures. I pay for literally everything, even my birthday dinner. I can pay for slew of women if I wanted. She’s a stay home mom that didn’t want to watch our 3 year old, so I sent her to day care so mom could rest. I even suggested we get a live in nanny, so she doesn’t have to do any house chores. Mind you, she doesn’t cook; all she does is take care of the kids and does laundry. We have cleaners come monthly.
So throw out all the excuses that something man is doing to cause this, it’s not. All I can say is be honest with each other and move on.
Was with you until you say you are 6’3″ and make six figures. So what? That’s completely irrelevant. Are you saying your wife should want to have sex with you because of your height and paycheck?? That just doesn’t make any sense. Seems like you are focusing on physical attributes – that another man could just as easily exceed, but don’t actually matter – instead of relationship attributes. What’s next, someone should have sex because of the fancy car they drive? Think of what your relationship was based on in the beginning, and hopefully that is something more substantial to build on.
Thanks for finally writing about > When a Wife Doesn’t Want to Have Sex – Marriage Missions International ~ Chassidy
Why are there so many reasons why a married woman can’t have sex with her husband and there are so many reasons why the husband should stay “faithful”? What happened to having reasons why the woman should have enjoyable, pleasurable sex with her husband because her body is not just for her? (If a guy was withholding sex from his wife, then the same would apply.)
But Mike, if it was enjoyable and pleasurable for her, don’t you think she’d want it? Have you ever considered, ever that it just might not be enjoyable or pleasurable for her? Wives don’t forgo those things she enjoys.
This isn’t always the case. My wife says she enjoys it but she doesn’t have nearly the desire I do. She completely clams up when I even mention sex even in a flirtatious way. She changes the subject or just doesn’t respond. We still have sex once a week or so, and she says she enjoys it. But the feedback I get from her and her actions don’t show it. So women can lie about it. And if the woman isn’t enjoying it the she needs to say something to the man, especially if he’s asked her about it.
Uh, even the article says you are wrong. It says women tend to analyze and don’t get into to it until after giving the green light. My wife confirms the same thing. Basically, men want sex because it expresses our closeness and is enjoyable, but women want to feel close first and then give in to the sex. That’s the oversimplification but matches the article. And yes women say No to sex even though it’s enjoyable. And if you don’t enjoy sex with your spouse at all then there would be a whole different problem at work.
Most of the time wives are saying no IS because they are not enjoying it.
My wife is family stress, with her over thinking about other’s issues; it consumes her. Then there is her phone, call after call after call, text after text after text, drama after drama after drama. Our texts are less than 5 words, not like the 1 foot long texts she receives from others. She says I smother her??? & pressure her for a few minutes of sex 1 time a week?
What do you do when it was your own husband who caused past sexual trauma? In 2007, during the second half of my pregnancy with my second child, sex started causing false labor. I went to bed every other night in pain. I told the doctor at my checkups twice, I was advised to just stop having sex until the baby was born. When I asked my husband to stop having sex, he either ignored me or called me crazy. He talked to a pregnant woman at work about it, and then came home and told me the pain was all in my head. He would massage my sore back, then guilt trip me into having sex.
I would stay up til 3 a.m. playing games on the computer avoiding sex. He would sit on the couch and wait me out. If I tried to lay down and he was awake we ended up having sex, and the only thing to take the pain away was trying to go to sleep. Sometimes I woke up in mild pain. So when I woke up in real labor 5.5 weeks before my due date I had no clue it was real. I had to ask my neighbors for help, as my husband was already at PT with his unit for the morning.
My son was born 30 minutes after I got to the hospital. Then he had to be rushed to Naval Hospital in San Diego, because there was not a NICU at Camp Pendleton. I was told not to have sex until my 6 weeks postpartum checkup, but my husband pressured me until I gave in to sex 4 to 5 weeks later. Not that this part is his fault, but it was incredibly painful. I apparently had a cyst growing on the vaginal wall. I had to have surgery to remove it.
Throughout the rest of my marriage (we’re still married) we’ve gone through dry spells where I sleep on the couch. Then he’ll ask me to come back to bed, we’ll have a long talk and then sex is okay for a while. Then he’ll ask less and less, and instead try to manipulate me into doing it more and more. The more sex he would get the more new things he would want to try that just plain hurt.
After our 4th child was born in 2012, we had a really long dry spell. After that things got much better; he stopped asking for special favors and we had sex at least twice a week. Sometimes my aversion to sex came back, and we would fight about it. But usually it would eventually pass. Now, sex is once every 3 to 4 weeks, for the past year. And I know, actually know, every time he touches or “massages” me, unasked for, he’s trying to have sex.
He’s offended if I avoid him touching me. But when I let him, he always turns it into an attempt at sex. If I wait to say no, until it’s obvious he wants sex, then I “should have been straight with him from the beginning.” I asked him why he doesn’t straight out ask me, and he said, “because that is not how it’s supposed to go.” We had sex more often when I was allowed to say no.
Every time he massages me unasked for I know what he wants, it was part of his pattern when he use to cause my false labor. I never had that kind of pain with my other pregnancies, but I’ve never been able to get past it. And he’s upset that he’s been paying the price for years. He also says that I need therapy, because I haven’t moved on. He’s moved on and improved on his flaws, so therefore he doesn’t. It’s wrong that I bring up the past when we argue about sex, but he’s repeating the similar behavior from the past. To this day he says I was a witch during my second pregnancy.
I am in this situation almost 6 yrs now; my wife will not have sex!! Very frustrated.
It’s so frustrating to me that these articles never address sensory aversions and other problems neurodivergent people face. My issue with sex is that bodies are just plain gross, and skin to skin contact is torture. It’s hard to bond with your spouse emotionally when your skin is painfully crawling and all you can think of is fighting the urge to throw up and/or run straight to the shower. To be clear, it’s not my husband. I react the same whenever anyone’s skin touches mine, for any reason.
I want to please my man, but he can tell that I’m suffering whenever I try and it kills his mood. I’ve been in therapy for this for years and praying constantly, but nothing helps. Argh.
Why did you get married if you hate physical contact?
I was married for 22 years. After children were born wife told me she didn’t need it anymore (sex) and that her job was done. So every time I looked to be affectionate with her she repeated that sentence. Now I grew up Catholic so I stayed in the marriage but suffered inside. I was torn about my Catholic Faith/Knowledge and my biological need for closeness, being physical, sex. She told me numerous time go to outside the marriage for affection which I refused because that’s not who I am. Marriage counseling didn’t work.
Two years ago it all fell apart so we are going through a divorce. I don’t know how I was able to do it, but I was able to stay in the marriage until kids were grown up. To make matters worse; she took everything I worked for in the last 25 years. We were partners. She took control and I lost my company. I got a miserable sum in return. So now I have to start all over again. What I don’t understand is that women are so overtly sexual before marriage and so much crazy stuff with any guy; but once they got what they need from their good man (marriage, security, children) they turn the good man/husband away and treat him without any gratitude, respect and love.
It is so confusing for men nowadays. I see good husbands who are getting turned away by their wives and in the time being it seems every women is into porn if you go online. How messed up is that? Maybe my case is unique. Then again, women do file for 70% of the divorces. So by all means get married but set the ground rules from the start. Say to your honey that you will work to give her security in children but that you as a man are biologically created to make love and that you expect her to love you too. Women seem to go into a marriage without thinking things through. All that matters seems to be security and children… instead of the man. That’s not right.
The foundation is man and woman upon which everything else is built. So be forewarned King. Be kind and be good but don’t deny yourself your manhood. You are worthy. Being physical is essential. Do not tolerate any excuses.
My wife falls asleep the instant she hits the pillow, is irritated with me for snuggling which keeps her awake. She sleeps 9-10 hours typically. The only time she even acts interested is in the middle of the day. She flirts and tempts me and then nothing ever happens. We are down to 1x per month. She won’t even read a book or article about sex because “she doesn’t have a problem” insisting my sexual drive and arousal is unnecessary and I need to control it. It continues to progress downhill and she rolls her eyes if I try and give her a hug when I get home from work. I feel alone and emasculated.
I completely feel your pain. Especially with women being sexual before marriage and then tapering it off later. My wife practically raped me on our second date. Made love to me all the time. Then once we got married the rejection happened regularly and still does. She will make love to me once a week or so but theres a 90% it won’t be good sex because her mind is elsewhere.
She is a very busy person who keeps herself occupied and doesn’t know how to slow down. I’ve never felt so powerless to seduce a woman before. The switch that happened is crazy. We’ve done counseling and I’ve talked to her about it so many times but it just doesn’t register in her brain. I used to have incredible sex in past relationship where I knew I had that sexy soul bond. But with my wife it’s always so inconsistent and fleeting. I never know where I stand and I have such a scarcity mindset when it comes to our connection. I need this connection wither for my soul but she doesn’t get it.
I waited for marriage to have sex with my wife. I thought “this is going to be great” but later finding out she was my first and I was her eighth. Thinking this wasn’t going to deter me, been married for three years now the fact we had a son is a miracle! She has no drive for me what so ever. Even before my son was born, it was rare like a reward. She never attends church with me; I’m miserable there are many other issues in our marriage; she refuses to go to counseling.
I cannot find in scripture for divorce other than infidelity. Help. God forbid we split; but most millennial women are narcissistic to put it bluntly. Where do I find someone that isn’t?!? I’m in my thirties and feeling like I’m burning daylight.
Sorry to hear your situation. It’s sad.
My wife and I have been together for over 25 yrs but only married for 6. We had some mess ups in 2019 where she has cheated and left me for another for a month but came back and I let her. We have been having communication problems, she has no sexual desire, she holds her phone like there is no tomorrow. She puts on a show like it’s my fault on most things in front of family or public. She says I’m going crazy. She treats others nicer than me. Is she cheating again? I seem to think so but who am I to say so. I’m CRAZY!
All of this is well, & good but a narcissistic spouse will kill ANY & ALL sexual intimacy. I’ve gone through menopause & I can’t stand to be sexually touched. Oh, make sure when you get through subjecting people to constantly satisfying nasty character traits spouses that you remember what Paul says. He says that this is his idea NOT the Lord’s to keep a spouse faithful. But, you know what even being a sexually submissive wife isn’t enough for some husbands. Your article is no real help.
People forget that withholding sex is marital unfaithfulness. Biblically that makes it grounds for divorce.
I’m tired of hearing how it’s my fault that my wife doesn’t want sex. If I watch porn, my wife didn’t make me choose that. That’s my choice, my sin, not hers. Well I can’t choose for my wife to want to have sex with me. That’s her choice. Possibly her sin, not mine. I am so sad over this in my marriage. It’s a crushing weight. I desperately love my wife. I don’t want to leave. She has absolutely no interest in seeking help, and she won’t let me seek help. This is literally a non-issue for her. She couldn’t care less. She’s not rude about it. Not offensive. She is completely indifferent to the suffering she is causing. I’m just so sad about this sometimes it’s hard to breathe.
Keep trying to penetrate her heart with your love. Maybe give her a picture of how her life would be without you. I feel your pain. We need the intimacy for our souls and women don’t get it. Maybe stare deep into her eyes and hold her gently and try to convey your longing for her. I don’t know bro, I’m just shooting suggestions out there because I completely understand your pain.
Women don’t understand the dagger they put in our hearts when they reject us and don’t even act interested. Why even be married if that’s how you want to treat a guy? And then the men are left analyzing the problem trying to find a solution they can’t.
The solution is God has to change her. You can’t. And yes, I agree women rejecting their husbands is a form of unfaithfulness. I think the only reason women can say no is if they’re exhausted beyond measure or are injured. Sex doesn’t take any work. It’s easy. It’s fun. It’s all beneficial. And when us men are left feeling so broken because of our women’s rejection, we’re blamed for it.
Women need to grow up and chill and let themselves enjoy the gift of sex. I don’t understand why they think they can do this to us. Can you imagine if we as men got to use the excuse “I’m too tired” or “I’m not in the mood” when it comes to paying the mortgage for her? Celebrating her birthday? Fixing her car? Being her shoulder to cry on? And any other imaginable task that contributes to the relationship? We don’t get excuses, but women do. I’m tired of the double standards.
Am I the only woman that has a non-sexual husband? I’m sure that is not the case, but why does it seem that you rarely if ever find an article to address this issue in reverse?
No, you aren’t the only one. There are a growing number of husband’s that are not approaching their wives to make love. The reasons are numerous. Here’s a link to an article we feature on this web site that touches on that subject: https://marriagemissions.com/husband-doesnt-want-make-love/. This is also addressed in other articles in the “Sexual Issues” topic of this web site, as well. Just go to this link to see other articles you can select from to read: https://marriagemissions.com/category/sexual-issues/. You may also find help in the following topic (if it applies): https://marriagemissions.com/category/pornography-and-cybersex/. Hope something you find among these articles is insightful and helpful.
My question is, if a husband had all the reason a wife does and she feels he loves her but doesn’t show her how would she deal with that and how long. My thing is love is very important to women as much as sex is to a man. In her mind love is more important in the relationship than sex and doesn’t care about his needs, but wants him to act like nothing is wrong, just respect her. What is she really thinking?
Once women get what they need, they don’t care about you. They can only see their own small piece of the pie. And they don’t care about double standards. So of they don’t give you sex you’re left analyzing why. And you blame yourself for not being a man she wants to eagerly respond to. But what’s not the case. The problem is her.
And women don’t think logically. They only think emotionally. And if you have feelings, their feelings supersede yours and they can never see your point of view. They’re incapable of understanding cause and effect or thinking hypothetically from another perspective.
You make sense on a lot of this but you’re making pretty sweeping statements. There are a lot of us women who aren’t that way (or learned not to be that way), just like there are a lot of men that treat their wives this way–only being concerned with what they want or don’t want. Just saying that you might want to tone it down about “women” –which implies all women. Yes, there are many. But there are also many who approach this issue with self-sacrifice.
This is an article that discusses “when a wife doesn’t want to have sex” so it does talk to men who are suffering because of this. But just be a bit careful that you don’t project too much that you know what all women are thinking or how they approach this matter. … So sorry that you have had to struggle with this issue. If only we could look into each other’s minds and get the clearest picture of what’s going on… I would hope it would change things in a positive way.
We have seen some spouses change; and we’re glad for that. But there are still a lot more spouses who are clueless and need to open their eyes. Thank you for trying to help.
Cindy Wright, Do you believe the wife’s refusal to provide her husband’s sexual needs could be considered a Biblical allowance for divorce and remarriage by the husband? I think there are Christian counselors who believe this. Just wondered what you think. Sincerely, Mark
Mark, I’m not anyone’s Holy Spirit. I don’t believe I can tell anyone whether they can/should divorce for ANY reason. That’s not my place. It’s between them and God. If it was up to me I’d be handing out divorce permission slips to people all over the place who feel unhappy in their marriages. I’m a real softie and I hate to see people suffer. But I’m also a sinner, and I just don’t have all the answers. I can’t see into the future in their lives to know if this would be best or not.
Only God knows what’s best about all of this. God says that His ways are higher than our ways. His mandates are there for a very good reason that God understands all too well. However, even if a person has biblical reasons to divorce, they need to be very cautious about doing so. It’s important to give God elbow room to work within our spouse AND within us. God knows if we give each other grace if it will lead to repentance. We don’t know that. And He knows if, in our suffering, He will be able to work in and through us for the good of more people than just us. He sees the bigger picture here than any human being ever could.
I’m not trying to cop out in answering your question. I’m just telling you that I’ve been around and have seen too much for me to feel I could make those kinds of judgement calls, and I feel uncomfortable when other human beings do so.
Even if a person does have the biblical “right” to divorce, should they? I don’t know. I’ve seen too many horrible marriages completely turned around. And oh, how sad it would be if they would have divorced when they were tempted to do so! So, my answer to your question is that I believe that God has told me (and Steve feels the same way) that we should not counsel anyone to divorce, whether they have biblical grounds or not. That is between them and God. I will not throw stones at those who do, but I also won’t counsel them to do so.
I will be honest… the whole “he has his needs” and simultaneous demand of “don’t just lay there while thinking you want to get it over with” begs the question… Why should anyone EVER feel obligated to PRETEND they want to have sex?
I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT GOOD FAITH EFFORTS. Sometimes you can revive the spark but this article seems to treat that as the only option.
I will call this out for what it is… It’s absurd, dishonest, dehumanizing and abusive. Not once did I see anything here about separation or divorce if a sexless marriage can’t be celibate. Just this insistence that people should keep trying to make it work whether or not it does.
Why can’t we speak aloud just how messed up it is for people to have sex out of obligation? It means pretending they want it when they don’t. SPARE ME any BS about “working on the real issues”. Attraction is not a choice, it can change, and very often you can’t make it return no matter what you do.
Is it really so hard to follow the basic tenant we try to drill into college frat boys who want to get away with date rape? Or an acquaintance/friend who comes onto the other person while interpreting their silence as consent? The whole idea that sex should only happen if both people want it and not because one party will tolerate it?
Oh no we can’t say that aloud… it might undermine this whole choosing a longterm partner permanently thing with no way out considered acceptable or “sinful” ending a marriage… we are stuck telling people to convince themselves they want sex… and when they can’t do that to at least convince their partner.
The hypocrisy on display here is nauseating. If people are together, then one or both loses attraction towards the other… then by definition they must choose between being in a monogamous relationship or being celibate (fyi the latter is a perfectly good option when couples grow old together). The arricle seems to insist that you should either pretend or force attraction to return… and that is absolute bull.